


ReuNite

by ghostscribe



Series: 9,000 meters above sea level [10]
Category: Pocket Monsters | Pokemon (Main Video Game Series), Pocket Monsters: Black & White | Pokemon Black and White Versions
Genre: Angst, Eventual Romance, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Injury, Multi, Mutual Pining, Reunited and It Feels So Good, Slice of Life, Slow Burn, With a side of angst, adds the angst tag bc this got angstier than i anticipated, idk what else to tag for???, implied/referenced pokémon abuse, overuse of bw terminology ie truth/ideals/black/white bc im a sucker for that, two doses of mutual pining! twice the ships for the price of one!, uh, w ghetsis bc he's garbage boy stinkman who belongs in the toilet
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-29
Updated: 2018-12-31
Packaged: 2019-05-30 01:59:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 48
Words: 173,839
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15086573
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ghostscribe/pseuds/ghostscribe
Summary: It's been too long.It's been too long when you're starting to wonder if your friend is still alive out there somewhere. It's been too long when you have crumpled notes to each other tossed around because you can't find the right words where words once came so naturally.It's been too long.That seems to be a shared sentiment across regions.





	1. up and up and so far down

**Author's Note:**

> hello! this is my first post here and i have no idea what i'm doing!!! i've just wanted to write an isshushipping/namelessshipping fic since 2012 and am finally getting around to it i suppose. i decided to actually post it because??? dunno, but i like writing so here it is! (this takes place after bw2 for reference.)  
> update: edited the description bc this was gonna be a lot shorter before but now there is........ more  
> 

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mount Silver is freezing and perilous. N becomes too intimately familiar with this fact.

It's getting too cold. 

He's very accustomed to wandering, that much is certain. He wandered all across his home region, traveling from spot to spot meeting new Pokémon, new people, making new plans and, to his dismay, facing new battles. He's been everywhere from the heat of Nimbassa to the icy chill of Dragonspiral Tower. He's wandered through the gales of sand in the desert to find Sigilyph and Sandile, through the electric pulses of Chargestone Cave for Joltik and Boldore. Yes, he's been just about everywhere, in every climate, and with one Pokémon currently to his name, he's never once had any issue. 

It seems that changes today. 

Frankly, he's been on the run more than anything. He could just as well hide out in some cave and set up camp off the grid, living off the land, but he is a bit of a people person, and he always ruins his hiding spots by talking a little too fast and saying a little too much. He's too noticeable, his appearance not withstanding, and he's not about to change his ways or even cut his hair. He'd been tucked away in a little turf base in the Hoenn region before he came here, using the shelter of the cool earth to avoid the heat of the region. Hoenn was much too hot, yes, and it was hard for a Pokémon of its size to stay with him in a little hideaway. He had met a sweet boy, one who thought he knew him already ("you look just like him, with your hair and all"), but too much was said, too much was seen, and again he fled the scene. 

N isn't sure if he's been pardoned from his workings in Team Plasma, and he's not sure if it's okay to go home yet. He's not sure it ever will be.

In an attempt to ease his guilt, he had actually confronted Ghetsis; oh, no, Ghetsis, let's not talk about him. Let's not talk about manipulation and abuse. That man would have killed the kid with a hunk of ice had N not shown up just in time. He's a monster, out of his mind... no, let's not talk about him. Let's not think about how he got to this point. 

Frankly, _how_ he got to where he is now doesn't matter. Kyurem used Glaciate a second too late, and N arrived just in time. He saved the girl called Rosa, and when all was said and done, he tried to permanently offer her the Pokémon of the Light Stone. She had declined his offer and declined an explanation for her behavior. 

Oh well. At least he's not alone. 

That Reshiram is currently hobbling along behind N, trying to shelter him from some of the swirling wind and snow with its wing. It's an impossible effort, with how rapidly the air currents change. The heat from its body is welcome, but even then the squalls carry most of that comfort away before it can get too close. He's going to have to seek shelter soon, very soon, but he hasn't found a cavern large enough to bring Reshiram in, and size is a bit of an issue here. 

"I suppose I should have invested in at least one pokéball, huh?" he asks the beast, who offers a low roar in response. "I know I'm uncomfortable with them. I'm just worried about you, now. This is one of the more inhospitable places we've visited, isn't it?"

Mount Silver; a huge, sheer fortress of rock straddling the border of Kanto and Johto. The base of the mountain was fine, beautifully colored, too. Even though it should should still be spring, it seems beyond a certain point the mountain has decided to embrace the dead of winter. The trees below _really_ were beautiful shades of green, not unlike the shimmering leaves he saw in Laverre Town during his brief stop in the Kalos region. It was a cool, crisp spring. Up here is just hellish. 

_"Raam,"_ the dragon behind him coos. N shivers but offers it a smile. 

"Don't worry. We'll find shelter soon."

Oh, no, he doesn't know that. He doesn't even know where he is, and he's as sure as he hears Reshiram's voice that it knows shelter is scarce. Still, they both play into the lie. Maybe if they fake it for long enough, they'll find a nice hole in the cliffs and tuck themselves away for the night. 

Still, that doesn't look likely. 

"...it's getting steeper," N comments off-handedly. Reshiram hums in agreement. It's getting to be quite the climb. He realizes dimly that he wasn't actually supposed to just come up here, that he entered from an odd point on the mountain. He heard some other hikers talk about some kind of checkpoint at the base, needing to have won some battle to come up here, something about the color green and an Aerodactyl. Maybe he should have at least asked about the mountain, maybe climbed a neighboring peak instead. The point of coming here, though, is isolation; the longer he avoids publicity, the better. 

Yes, this is why N is on the run. The longer he hides, the longer the world has to forget about Team Plasma, and the sooner he'll be able to comfortably return to the Unova region. There were many misconceptions about Plasma, oh so many, and he now fears the worst; Team Plasma knew what Ghetsis wanted. No, no, that's a blatant lie. Nobody really anticipated Ghetsis's true intentions, not even his own son who knows the man and knows how he is. There were members who left when they learned they were being used, there were members who stayed, members who ran away with a small group of their friends and hoped for a better life elsewhere, members who still are desperately clinging onto this fallen identity of Team Plasma. Everyone was in the dark, and when the lights went on, everyone scattered in a blind panic. 

As for N, he had only wanted to free Pokémon from the global abuse of human entrapment, but it seems there is no such thing; at least, for the most part. Abuse like that isn't as common as he was lead to believe. Most Pokémon speak fondly of their trainers, as one friend made very clear. 

Oh, Touya. If only they could meet once again. 

He feels a heavy wing brush against his arm. 

"Are you okay, Reshiram?"

_"Shirrr..."_ For now. They really need to find shelter soon. 

If Touya were here, he could certainly help. He's a bit of a genius in a way, though he more often refuses to admit it than not. He's not the top of any academic class, no, but he's worldly, he has experience in caring for himself and others, he sympathizes and empathizes and understands the scope of human emotion better than N ever could. He had been a bit quiet, yes, but the words he shared spoke more than a thousand, and when he got Touya to talk, he could _talk,_ really speak with some purpose. He did everything he could to bring Touya under his wing, rope him into the dream that was a world where Pokémon live freely, but every time his offers were refused, on one condition. 

_I know that Pokémon wouldn't be happy that way._

It was that moment in the carriage of a ferris wheel that made N lose another inch of faith, a faith that was slowly being whittled away ever since Touya's Oshawott spoke so highly of him in Accumula Town. It was that moment in Nimbassa, though, that made him chase Touya with even more persistence, because if he's _sure_ his Pokémon are happy in confinement - no, in harmony with a trainer, if that is the truth, then something must be wrong with Team Plasma's ideals...

So he responded the only way he knew how: prove Touya wrong, realize his truth. 

So Touya responded the only way he found right: prove N wrong, show him his ideals. 

It's been three years since they last saw one another, but his voice is still clear in his mind, every powerful shout and whispered sentiment he ever shared. 

_You do talk kinda fast, you know. It's okay, though. Cheren says I'm always too quiet anyway_. 

_What do_ _your_ _Pokémon say? Do you ever talk to them?_

_Tranquil will be okay, I promise. I always have a lot of berries. Do you need some?_

_I like that you battle with the Pokémon in the ecosystem. It keeps them close to home._

_We are friends, right? You said we'd be friends, a-and I do like you, you know._

Oh, and his heart skipped a beat. He'd never had a friend before. 

_I do have a dream, actually, and that dream is keeping the world from separating into black and white. What's a world without a medley of living things from all walks of life? How can you divide such a diverse population like that?_

_Friends getting hurt... That's all a Pokémon battle is? What about_ _losing_ _your friends? Doesn't that loneliness hurt more?_

Oh, it does. 

_How do you know this is what Reshiram wants? Are you still listening to these Pokémon?_

_You won this battle, but Team Plasma has a long way to go. I can't let you do this._

_Is this really what you want? Is it_ _really_ _what you want?_

_I don't think I can stop you - I_ _know_ _I can!_

_Of course my Pokémon like me. Why didn't you believe me? Why didn't you believe_ _them_ _?_

_Please, please find your dreams, too. It's not just you or me, we can both -_

_Where are you going?_

_N?_

_N!_

He snaps out of his daze when he feels his ankle twist on a poorly placed rock in a patch of ice, then he's going down.

He hits his shoulder, then his head, then everything is getting scraped up on the way down and he can feel ice sneakily clinging to his clothes and hair and cheeks. He lands face down in a patch of snow and _oh that almost feels good_ but he can barely hear Reshiram and _oh god how far did I fall -_

He looks up, and he sees a torrent of white snow above him. The equally white dragon is impossible to see. The sheer cliff looks far too tall. 

He attempts to stand, but he can't push himself up easily with one arm aching so badly. He pushes himself up in just the wrong way and the pain is so much that his vision cuts to black for a moment.

He falls back into the snow. White. Shivering. His breathing is frantic and his vision is turning black. No, no, he can't die here, he's not about to die here. 

Get up, at least sit up, but his head is aching and he wants to shove it in the snow to numb the pain. Another gale of snow, white. His eyes struggle to stay open against the wind, black. He reaches over trying to do something, he's not even sure, but lighting strikes through his joints, white, searing pain enough to ruin his vision, black, he feels himself slide even further and he can't tell where he is anymore, white, and it's freezing, freezing cold, black, white, black, white, red - 

Red.

Red?

Oh. Oh no.

Oh, that's blood.

"Reshiram!" N cries out shrilly, to no avail. His voice is carried away by the wind. If the dragon replied, he didn't even hear it. 

Tentatively, N raises his arm, the wrong one, and the pain shoots stars through his eyes, white. He raises his better arm, touches the side of his head, red, his back, red, smatterings of almost a light pink all over the snow from every scrape on his body, black, red, he's been bruised like hell but he's never seen this much blood before and _he's blacking out -_

And he's awake again, even colder. Whether it's been minutes or hours is up for debate. He doesn't know enough about medical science to know if his blood should have clotted by now or not, but it's still slowly flowing, red, his vision is foggy, white, the ground is red, and he just collapses in the snow, he hears something in the distance, hears something closer, crunching, snow or maybe bones, the echo of them cracking against the rocks, black, red, red and white and black - 

and purple. 

Purple? 

Blearily, he sees a light purple cat-like Pokémon, or maybe it's pink, he can't tell with this snow. A pair of white shoes stand next to the creature. Its pale eyes pierce through the blizzard, but just barely.

"Are you okay?"

He's unconscious before he can even consider answering. 


	2. echoing, echoing and somehow quiet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> N wakes up in a cave, missing some blood and a legendary dragon, with only an Espeon for company. Shockingly, things take a turn for the better.

He has no idea where he is, but at least he's not in the snow anymore.

N opens his eyes to find himself in a cave. Yes, okay, this was his goal, but preferably he would have made it here without getting severely injured. He looks at Reshiram and - 

No he doesn't. The dragon is missing.

Oh, no, Reshiram. How did he manage to lose his friend? How could he be so careless? It's perfectly safe to daydream when he's walking through a quiet forest or an open desert, but on a mountain with twists and turns beyond imagination? That's an awful idea. Is Reshiram okay? Where did it go? What was he thinking? He wasn't thinking about anything he _should_ have been, certainly, or else he wouldn't have woken up here. He wouldn't have dislocated a few joints (they feel almost broken, really), wouldn't have bled so much, wouldn't have ended up in this cave somehow with no trace of his friend. Did Reshiram run away? Did it bring him here and leave for some reason? Did the ground give out and drop him deep into the mountain? Did he fall into some secret crevice? Did he fall even further? Did he get kidnapped by whoever he saw before he blacked out? Did -

_"I see you've awoken."_

N glances up at the area that seems to be the source of the voice, only to see an Espeon, of all things. Weakly, he asks the only thing he can think to in his haze.

"Are you feral?"

_"No, but you're not the first to ask,"_ she replies, calmly swishing her tail. _"I may be so inclined to say I'm only as feral as my trainer."_

Trainer. So there's... "There's another person around here somewhere?"

_"There is. He happens to be my trainer. I do believe he happened upon a Pokémon that may or may not be yours, after he brought you somewhere safe."_

N starts to push himself up and - oh, oh, thank god, he can move, now. It hurts, but he can definitely move. How, though? He couldn't have healed that quickly, right? 

Never mind that, though. He's not going to look a gift horse in the mouth. Did _they_ find Reshiram?

"Which... Which Pokémon is it?"

_"..."_ She seems to be listening to something before she replies. _"Come with me."_ With that, the Espeon turns, and N has to clumsily scramble to his feet to catch up with her. His ankle is absolutely _aching,_ but he's not about to lose sight of this little psychic cat for the life of him, not if she may be leading him to Reshiram. 

N ends up hobbling up a rocky hill, some makeshift stairs, it seems, when he loses sight of the Espeon. Seemingly noticing this, she returns to him and watches from up top.

_"Do you need any assistance?"_

"If you wouldn't mind."

He feels a surge of energy wrap around him and, having done this before with a Sigilyph he befriended, he lets his body go limp. The psychic energy the Espeon exudes lifts him up and into the air, delicately leading him to the top of the stairs and setting him carefully back on the ground.

_"My apologies. I didn't realize the injuries you sustained were so severe,"_ she hums. _"My trainer tried to mend you as best he could, but he left when he caught sight of a foreign dragon on the mountain. He believes it to be yours. He's returned to our... residence, with the Pokémon."_

"He found Reshiram? The Legendary Pokémon of Truth?"

_"Something or other."_ It seems largely unworried by the implications.

"You... Does your trainer realize what he's up against? He's dealing with a legendary dragon! This is the Pokémon that created the Unova region!"

_"My trainer is very competent. He already handled the dragon - Reshiram, was it?"_

What does that mean? "Y-Yes, how did he - "

_"You'll have to ask him for any details,"_ Espeon cuts him off with a bit of an irate flick of her tail. _"I wasn't present for that particular battle. He entrusted me to ensure you would be safe."_

N grips his arms, a bit of a nervous habit. "What do you mean when you say he _handled_ Reshiram?"

_"He soothed it."_ Pause. _"It was in a bit of a blind rage, you see. I believe it may have thought we had done harm to you, and perhaps it was especially protective after you were irinjured from the fall. He managed to calm it down long enough to seal it in a pokéball, for the time being; all of this, I've gathered telepathically from my partners, of course. On that note,"_ the Espeon looks up at N, _"it seems you hadn't actually caught it proper."_

He grips a bit tighter. "I don't need to catch it. Reshiram is my friend. It's been traveling with me for years because it trusts me. We've been seeking - "

_"Calm down, now - and speak more slowly, if you can."_ He grimaces at that. It's not like he's trying to be unintelligibly fast. _"We'll release it whenever you see fit. You should stay for a night, at least,"_ it adds, _"because your injuries are quite severe. They're not the worst we've seen, but if you're traveling with only one Pokémon, and especially such a volatile one..."_

A bit tighter. "Reshiram isn't volatile."

_"It was today."_

"It usually isn't."

_"I see."_

Through his annoyance and his worry, N realizes something, dimly at first, then all at once.

"Are you speaking?"

The Espeon looks perplexed. _"We've been communicating telepathically this whole time."_

"Ah."

_"...Why are you asking me now?"_

"Because I can hear the voices of Pokémon," he explains. "I always have. Your voice is so clear, though... I suppose this explains it," he muses. Of course! If she's able to communicate telepathically with her team members from here, she can just as easily communicate with him.

The Espeon is quiet for a moment. _"You too, then."_

"What?"

_"My trainer is... well, never mind. It's not my place to be sharing these things."_

He decides to leave the subject be. 

Again, N's mind begins to wander, though he's carefully watching the ground this time. He wonders how Touya has been holding up with Zekrom. Maybe it was a bit cruel to separate the two Legendary Pokémon, Zekrom and Reshiram. Maybe it was inhumane to separate two halves of a whole against their will. He wonders if maybe they might be looking for each other, if maybe they'll succeed one day, and he can finally see Touya again. His anxiety is running rampant through his mind, though. At best, he bets Touya will yell at him for leaving for so long, returning only briefly to Unova to shout at him and depart again. At worst, he'll hate him; or perhaps, at worst, he hasn't been looking for him at all anymore. He can't imagine any positive scenario. Touya is a sweet person, yes, but he cares, he cares so very much, and N can't imagine he's not worried. He can't imagine he's not been worried to the point of _hatred_.

At this point, N thinks he deserves to be hated.

Touya's final call as N departed was heart-wrenching. If the circumstances had been a bit less dire, N would have been convinced to stay by that call alone. Maybe he would have just convinced Touya to come with him. Maybe they could have found a place to set up camp each night, both wandering together in search of their truth, their ideals. They were good friends, for the time they knew one another. It was only a few months, but they did become close. In the moments or sometimes hours preceding the arrival of other Team Plasma members, they spent their time talking, exploring, finding out what Pokémon are nearby and helping them out in a pinch, desperately trying to figure out how to use the dowsing system and splitting meals when one of them (N, mostly) had forgotten to eat anything that day. They spent an hour just watching the sparks fly in Chargestone Cave, even, basking in the blue glow and the sound of nature hard at work. Touya had even given N a hug in a private moment.

Oh, he longs for those days. He wants another hug. It was warm and comforting.

_"This way."_

N looks up to find he'd been wandering away form the Espeon, and subsequently, Reshiram. _Focus._

"R-Right, of course."

_"You seem pensive."_

"A little."

His footsteps echo off the cavern walls. The deeper into the mountain they go, the more pools of crystal clear water they pass, and the more he starts to wonder if this can all be the same place. Mount Silver is enormous, yes, but it seems absolutely vast in comparison to the outside. How deep does it go? How many layers of earth are they under now? There's little cracks and holes throughout the whole scope of the area, but of course the Espeon doesn't even bat an eye at any but her target, one settled right at the top of an outcrop over a deep blue lake. It takes a few more minutes of hiking and some telekinetic transportation before they reach that hole in the earth.

_"Red? I've brought a visitor."_

Red? The name sounds vaguely familiar. 

Wandering into a small cavern after the psychic cat, N sees a modest little camp, consisting of a bundle of pillows and blankets, a table cloth draped over a flat piece of stone jutting out of the ground, a seemingly haphazardly hung lightbulb (he can't figure out how it's even working), and a small radio on a high enough rock chunk to be considered a shelf (which also seems dubious in functionality).

In the pile that could loosely be called a bed, something stirs and sits up. 

His hair is disheveled, though N isn't one to talk. He has a short sleeved jacket (in this weather?), in red and white, and a fairly distinct hat sitting mostly off his head, at this point. He rubs the sleep out of his eyes and looks at the Espeon.

"What was that?" His voice is... fragile. A little rough, but young. Quiet. 

_"The one who fell down one of the cliffs is here. We believed the dragon was his, yes?"_

The trainer - Red, he supposes, - suddenly looks alert, notices N, and jumps back with such a start that he smacks his head on the rock wall. 

"I-I'm sorry!" Of course N is apologizing. That wouldn't have happened had he not come here. "Are you alright? Do you need help? I can - "

"No, I'm fine," and his voice is even softer, now. "I just... I'm not used to visitors." Pause. "I don't get them much."

N nods, answering with a bit of caution. "I never had visitors much in my home, either. I suppose it's especially startling when your home is so difficult to find."

Red nods softly, examining N from a distance. His gaze isn't quite as piercing as that of any of the Sages, but somehow N feels more exposed. Red glances at his Espeon, gesturing slightly to N with a confused look.

_"Did no one tell you about this one?"_

"No. No calls this week. Unless Pikachu turned my phone off again..." As if on cue, the electric mouse peeks up from under the blankets. "Did you?"

_"Piii..."_ _No way,_ it says, and Red sighs.

"...It's dangerous up here." Red speaks after two minutes of total silence and observation, making N jolt.

"I... I've noticed." N grips his arms again.

"How did you get up here without any approval?" he asks as he hops out of the bed and wanders toward the back of the cave. He seems a little less on edge, which is comforting.

"Reshiram brought me. We... We've been traveling." 

In the midst of that sentence, N realizes that no, these individuals don't recognize him. They don't seem to know he's a member of Team Plasma - the king, rather, or perhaps the unwilling pawn, more accurately. However much he says here could make or break this for him. If they find out what he's done, if they don't trust him, maybe they'll keep Reshiram.

_Maybe they'll keep Reshiram._ That would be the worst case scenario.

Red looks up from a box of something or other. "Reshiram."

"Y-Yes."

"...It flew you here?"

"We flew here, yes. It's the one that created the Unova region with the help of a hero. I..." 

No, _no, don't say too much,_ but Red seems unconcerned. He looks between N and the box of something, before settling for the box. He shuffles through it silently, to N's dismay. This is a little unnerving, not knowing what's to come. Red is quiet, almost too quiet. Even his volume is so low that it's hard to hear him. It's a different quiet than Touya's calm tones; Red almost sounds perpetually on the defensive, apprehensive, maybe even preparing a counter attack - or is N just paranoid? No, if this trainer  _lives_ up here, he has to be a force to be reckoned with. Maybe he's just that impressive of a trainer, or maybe he's done something that forced him into exile, something awful... 

The intrusive though that N could actually, genuinely be killed in this cave, and that no one would know, that's uncanny. If he could read this trainer better, he wouldn't need to be worried, but...

Okay. Maybe he should be more careful in the future. He _hopes_ there's a future.

_"What are you doing, Red?"_ Espeon seems to sense N's distress and attempts to break the silence.

"Stuff."

_"Can you be more specific?"_

"Bandaids and stuff." Oh. Okay, that's fine.

Espeon looks at N. _"You're still hurt."_

"Y-Yes a fair bit. Red, um," and Red jolts at the sound of his own name, "I was told you helped some of my injuries before you went to find Reshiram, is this true?"

Some hesitation follows. He looks like a deer in headlights for those quiet seconds. "Yes."

"Thank you."

"Of course." He seems to unfreeze, continuing to gather whatever it is he's looking for. "Sorry. I got startled. Don't hear my name much anymore." He mutters something after that inaudibly. 

"I understand. Neither do I."

"What's your name, then?"

Seeing handfuls of bandages, antiseptic, and an ultra ball is comforting. The idea of sharing his name is less so. This could be the end.

"My... My name is N."

Red doesn't skip a beat, only takes N's arm in his hand and pushes his sleeves up. N looks away from the scrapes. "Nice to finally meet you, N."

Finally.

Finally?

"What do you mean _finally?!"_ Okay, shouting isn't the best idea, but he's... wow, that's not a comforting statement. Leaving that word out would have been just fine. 

Red jumps away, understandably, and it seems like he's struggling to speak, forcing his voice out against it's own will, coming as barely a whisper. "I've... h-h-heard about you. F-From a... a-a friend of yours, I... I-I think?"

Now they're both anxious and on the defensive. Espeon hops between the two. 

_"N, Red had met a trainer before you who said he was looking for a friend by your name, with your appearance,"_ she explains swiftly. _"Ordinarily I wouldn't bring company back here, but because he had - "_

"Touya?" Please, please,  _please_ be Touya, please - 

_"With brown hair and eyes, a blue jacket, a dark black dragon..."_ Zekrom, he still has Zekrom, they know Touya and he still has Zekrom.

"Yes," N nods.

"Him, yeah." Red hands N the ultra ball too casually for the situation, his stutter gone but his voice still low. "Reshiram is in here, by the way. I don't... know why it wasn't assigned to a pokéball already. I caught it so I could bring it in safely. It... It was getting buffeted by the hail. Had to heal it. Should be okay now."

N smiles so wide his cheeks hurt. "Thank you."

Red smiles a bit too, softly, but with feeling. "Of course. Give me your arm. I need to fix it."

He does, though he's almost shaking with excitement. "Do you know where Touya is now? He's my best friend," and now N is talking a mile a minute. "We traveled through the entire Unova region together! He helped me realize that I need to chase my dreams! One time we watched the electrical patterns in Chargestone Cave until well past sunset, and he let me talk to his Oshawott when we first met, and his Oshawott _really_ loves him because he's such a good trainer, and one time we rode a ferris wheel together in Nimbassa City and the view was so spectacular and - "

Red simply continues cleaning the wounds, which aren't bothering N so much anymore now that he's focused on happy memories. He does cut N off for a moment, though, after about ten minutes of ranting. 

"He left me his Xtransceiver contact, if you want me to call him."

Without thinking about the consequences or the worst-case what-ifs, with only a heavy desire in his heart to see his friend again, N answers with a quick, echoing, "Yes, please!"


	3. write and rewrite and rewrite

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> While waiting for Touya to pick up his friend, Red's thoughts are racing. His heart seems to be outrunning his mind.

_Green,_

_I don't know how to start a letter, and this is the fifth piece of paper I've had to use today, so here's your introduction._

_There's been a lot more blizzards lately. I've had to help three people already. The trainers who come here usually turn back right when they hit the snowy part of Mount Silver because of how perilous it gets. I've seen people slip and fall barely fifty meters past the snowcap. That's actually pretty terrible._

_I took your advice, even though it's hard. I do like helping people. I have too many potions at any given time and I just kinda throw them to people. Sometimes I just leave them in a corner for folks to pick up. They're always gone by the time I come back. I think they're going to good use._

_Green, look, I'll be honest; I'm bad at small talk and you know that. I just miss you._

No, no. Try again.

_Green,_

_I don't know how to start a letter, and I don't know exactly what I even want to say to you._

_I miss you. There's that._

_I hear about you sometimes. Something about you having to give people clearance to come up here because it's dangerous. I guess that Johto kids keeps fighting you because they want to beat me._

_Ethan gets close, but not too close. Crystal got way closer than he did._

Where is he even going with this? Try again.

_Green,_

_I miss you._

Too fast. Try again.

_Green,_

_Sorry I haven't written in awhile. It's been too long. I decided to write you._

_I don't know what to say, though. Things are the same as always. I met a few trainers, had a few battles. Do you remember the girl named Crystal? Her hair is blue. She's the only one who got close to beating me. She came by a month ago._

_I met the Unova champion too. Ult champion, maybe. I think his successor is the standing champion right now, she does the battles at the league while he's been out on the road. He fell off a pretty bad cliff and got hurt so I had to take him in for a few days. I don't know why anyone bothers coming up here in snowstorms. It never ends well._

_He reminded me of you. No, he was nothing like you, and that's why he reminded me of you. He spoke softly and thoughtfully. He's introspective and nostalgic. Patient, a talker at times, but an excellent listener. So everything you're not._

Is that too mean? He doesn't mean it in an insulting way.

_Ethan is kinda like you, but too childish. He reminds me of you when you were a kid. He's more energetic, more chatty, more reckless and headstrong. You leveled out over time though. Kinda hope he does the same. He has to much energy for me. He hasn't gotten close enough to winning against me though. I won 2-0 in mid-high health last time we met a month ago. Crystal had me 1-0 at mid health the first time we battled. She's impressive. I was even using Articuno, but she had Suicune, so I guess the tables are even._

_Didn't fight the Unova one, though. He took off looking for a friend._

_I want to look for you, too._

Scratch that last bit, or not. Not like it matters.

_You stopped writing me awhile ago, I guess because I stopped writing you. I'm sorry._

What else is there to say?

_I still think of you as my best friend, you know. I wish you'd come visit me again. You used to a lot back when I first came up here, but you're kinda in your own world now. I guess there's more to do down there. You know how I am though. It's not really as safe for me to be down there._

Red almost tears the paper up, but decides to at least try and finish this dumpster fire of a letter.

_Look, I'm really contemplating just not writing to you because you won't write to me and whatever. I just miss you._

Green probably doesn't miss Red, though. He tears the paper up this time.

 _"Zaard,"_ Charizard rumbles, watching him sleepily.

"I _know_ I'm not getting anywhere. I'm not good with words," Red sighs.

_"Charr?"_

He snorts. "Sure, draw him a picture of what, a stick figure of me on top of a mountain?"

_"Char."_

He has to laugh a little, quietly, as not to wake his sleeping guest. "Bet he'd love that."

_"Charizard."_

Red tilts his head. "What do you mean?"

Charizard lets out a low growl. _He would be happier to hear from you and have some closure, than to never hear from you again._

Red shifts in place, stirring the last of his rice on his plate. "I dunno. I don't want to find out that he's mad."

 _"Charri..."_ _Too late for that,_ he says. Red rolls his eyes.

"So there's no point. If Green wants to see me, he'll come up here. He's capable of coming here."

_"Rizaa..."_

"But if he cared, he'd find the time."

_"Zaard!"_

Red makes a slashing motion across his throat, _quiet down._ "That's how he's always been. I don't understand why it would be different now. I dunno why he decided to just... give up."

 _Things change over time, Red._ The lizard's eyes speak volumes. Red curls in on himself.

"I guess." Silence. "You can have the rest of the rice. I'm not hungry."

 _"Charrr..."_ _You were doing so well!_

"I'm not hungry." He can't eat when he's sad. Charizard tries to push the food closer to Red with his nose, though. "I swear, I'm not hungry anymore. I'm gonna try writing again."

Charizard stops his protesting for now. Red picks up his notepad and pen, then bounces back over to Snorlax and leans on her stomach.

_Green,_

_Do you hate me?_

Way too soon. Try again.

_Green,_

He doesn't even know what to say to Green. This... This just isn't natural. It's so much easier to just let Green have the first word and follow his lead.

_Green,_

_I haven't heard from you in awhile. Let me know how you're doing,_

_\- Red_

Yes, okay, that could work. He puts it on a stack of three other letters he thinks he could send on his left, which have been written over the past five months. To his right is the plastic bag of shredded letters that he'll never send, especially the love letters.

Oh, the love letters. Red isn't even entirely sure if the feelings he has for Green can be properly called _love_ or not. Admiration, adoration, longing, yes, Red can pinpoint each of these feelings in his chest when he thinks of Green. As for love... The others are easier.

 _Admiration._ Foolishly, people tend to assume Green is the one who admires Red, but that's hardly the case. Green admires what Red has _accomplished,_ as far as he knows. As for admiring who Red is... It's difficult to do when you know your best friend so well. As a trainer, Red is actually kind of... _iffy_ is the word Lance used after Red defeated him. His team isn't specially trained, isn't mined for IVS or EVS (whatever those mean), and honestly they're not even entirely suited for every possible opponent. Red's success has been chalked up, in Green's opinion, to sheer force, hard work, _really_ hard work and "some kind of meaning of friendship bullshit you get in cartoons or whatever," to quote him verbatim. As a person, Red is even less admirable than Green; prone to isolation, often mute, socially awkward, anxious yet curt, a lethargic workaholic, a bit of a paradox and entirely a mess.

Green is over there with seven different competitive teams outside his gym team, specially trained, some even specially bred for certain move sets. The moment the newly evolved fairy type Pokémon were officially recognized by the International Pokémon League, Green was already sorting his options on how to fight them. Truthfully, Red doesn't even know what constitutes as a fairy type. Green was always - will always be - one step ahead of him. Red's only major victory over him was at the Indigo League, and even then, it took him about a month to actually _beat_ Green. A short lived champion, sure, but for eleven years old, that's impressive.

 _Adoration._ He's actually dropped a few of the worse (read: more embarrassing) letters in the pool of water outside the cave, just so he can be sure that they'll never find their way into anyone else's hands. Red has a wild amount of respect for Green, yes. Green has always been faster than Red, smarter, more well adjusted and more productive overall. More annoying and rude, too, but that just comes with a personality like his. It's all these little quirks about Green, though, that seal the deal for Red. He tries to choke his laugher back in a quiet room to no avail, he has all these little facial cues to clue Red into some secret, winks and brief frowns, that hard, intense look he gets when he's just about to make a breakthrough on some research... Green throws himself wholeheartedly into anything he does, and that is perhaps, if not the most admirable thing about him, than the most adorable thing. That kind of enthusiasm, that dedication, that's actually quite rare as far as Red knows, and he adores that about Green.

 _Longing._ It hurts to think about that word, that feeling, that pining in his chest that even the harshest winds (-30 celsius, in fact) couldn't numb. He doesn't want to muse on about this heavy yearning he has, this desire, this _need._ He _needs_ to see Green's bright eyes again, hear that laugh, that hum while he works, his voice and all his jokes and his _hurry up and eat something,_ those lullabies that he sings more to his Eevee than to Red, though Red still takes them greedily. He needs to feel Green's hand ruffle through his hair again, needs him to carry on a conversation with no judgement when Red loses his voice, hold his hand and run with him because _no it can't wait, just follow me,_ because everything, every day, every moment has always been an adventure with Green.

Until now. Now, Green is across the region and about nine thousand meters below him. He's too far away.

_Green,_

Red sighs loudly and puts his head in his hands. He's surrounded in papers now, all covered in the scrawls of these musings, with a single phrase or two repeating over and _over_ but he just can't bring himself to force the words out of his mouth.

 _It's been too long_ and _I -_

"Red?"

He almost screams. He makes more of a voiceless squeaking noise. He completely forgot he had company here.

"...Yes?" Single syllable words are easy enough to get out.

"Are you okay?" N asks with this worried look in his eyes. "You seem upset about something."

"...I'm fine." He looks away, and it's just a little easier to find his voice. "Just tired. Stressed."

"Stressed?" He hears N shift closer. "Is there anything I can do to help?"

Is there anything N can do? He contemplates that for himself. They're in a seemingly similar position, actually. Make a friend, get _really_ close with that friend, run away and don't come back for years. It seems N has been missing for three years, and while Red has been "missing" for eight years (but who's counting), he only stopped talking with Green a little over a year ago. Green kept writing to him, but only until the fifth letter went unanswered, then they just... stopped, and everything was silent. N's solution was to ask Red to help reunite him with Touya, but would anyone be willing to take Red's role in his own situation? Ethan would definitely be willing to help Red reconnect with Green, but he has no tact. Crystal, maybe, but she might just press Red to meet up with Green himself. Something about independence or responsibility or sincerity.

 _"Answer your guest, Red."_ When did Espeon get out of her pokéball?

"Forgot the question."

_"Is there anything N can do to help with your stress?"_

Is there anything he can do...? Ah, yes, we're back to this.

"No."

"I see." N sounds a bit dejected, so Red backtracks.

"Not that you can't because _you_ can't. It's just on me."

 _"Is this about Green?"_ Espeon has a way with being quite curt. He doesn't appreciate it.

Red lets out a little sigh and, deciding he's not about to get into this, he scales the back wall of the cave and crawls through the little tunnel he dug into the next pocket of rock. Okay, maybe he didn't dig it, but he did move about fifteen boulders with his team to make that connection, so it counts.

Red shuffles through some of the items he has back here. A lot of them are things people have lost on the mountain; lots of scarves, some evolutionary stones and star pieces, a few escape ropes, some photos, five broken umbrellas (he can probably salvage at least one of them)...

His eyes land on a box marked _Red's "don't die" box_ in the back, scrawled in Green's handwriting. For some reason or another, that's what makes him cry.

God, he misses Green so much. He can't go back down, though, not yet. Maybe not ever. There's too many eyes on him. He's done things with repercussions the likes of which he never imagined. Defeating Team Rocket at such a young age, becoming the Champion, even his refusal to talk made him something sensationalized in Kanto. He's heard things about himself that he didn't want to hear. Words like _prodigy_ and _legend,_ things along the lines of _truly a miracle child_ and _way better than that Oak kid,_ endless slews of fanaticism, obsessive stalking of any of his movements, criticism to such an extreme that it becomes less constructive and more of an open fire.

Criticism like that is stressful. Somehow, praise is even worse.

Oh, and he's seen things he never wanted to see, and he hasn't told anyone and let them remember. His only testimony about one occassion was mostly wiped away by Espeon's Amnesia, which was about when he ran away. Not even Green knows what he saw off the coast of Cinnabar Island, and Red doesn't ever want him to know.

Oh, and he's said things with impossible consequences. The ability to speak so fluidly to Pokémon is, apparently, not exclusive to him. His voice is dangerous, though.

Oh, but even with all these antics, Green still deeply cared about Red all the while. His "don't die" box was the first care package Green brought to him, with some of those pillows and blankets, some boxes of rice and a recipe book, lots of first aid items and even a few of the old comic books they used to read together. That pokéball pillow Green brought him stays back here, for safekeeping. It's the one Red holds when he hums some of Green's little melodies to himself, while he pretends that Green is with him, while he pretends that everything is okay.

He reaches around for a pen but only finds an old pencil. On the back of an old Pokémart receipt, Red scrawls one more letter he'll consider sending.

_Green,_

_Thanks for the pokéball pillow. I know it's been awhile but I still really love it._

_Sorry for hiding. I'm scared of things I can't describe. Maybe I can tell you though. I trust you._

_Hope you're holding up okay down there. I'm proud of you._

_\- Red_

Red hugs that pillow tightly against his chest. It's not as warm as Green would be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "hey ghostscribe how are you deciding when to switch the pov?" just whenever it seems right. this chapter was a bit of last-minute addition.  
> also might wanna note now that there's gonna be slight divergences from canon, but nothing major


	4. talking and talking and doing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Red spends a lot of time trying to figure out what to say and not very much time doing much of anything. His introspection is only helpful to someone who plans to take action.

The silence is only a little awkward.

The only reason Red is uncomfortable sitting here with N is because N is so fidgety. He's... He's actually somewhat worried, to say the least. He hasn't been able to call Touya yet (reception up here is awful), and he's starting to wonder if N is going to run off before he even has a chance. He supposes the worse outcome would be if he called Touya, _then_ let N get away. He doesn't want Touya to be hurt if N disappears again.

_Green,_

_Do you wanna come visit sometime? It's been awhile._

_\- Red_

Hm. A little too curt, but Red isn't known to be the most polite. He's not rude, he thinks, just direct.

"Red?"

N has a way of surprising Red, but he's going to get used to it eventually. "Yes?"

"What kind of Pokémon is in that master ball?"

Oh shoot.

Red hops up from his seat (which is a Snorlax) and grabs the master ball. Sometimes it falls from the top of that ledge, but letting it fall is a hell of a lot more risky when he has company over. If this opens, they're in some deep trouble.

Red puts the master ball in his jacket pocket and scales the wall once again, rushing into the back room and setting it back down in one of the many cardboard "don't die" boxes Green has brought him over the years. It shouldn't be able to fall out of a box, right? Then again, he's known the creature contained in here for too long. It's a major threat, and he wouldn't be surprised if it were able to move around on its own, if it were somehow able to break out of the master ball...

Red puts a lid and a heavy box of rice on top of the master ball's box. That oughta hold it.

"Dangerous," is all Red answers with when he climbs back down. N looks perplexed.

"What do you mean?"

"Had to catch it. It was gonna hurt someone." _It hurt me,_ he mutters under his breath. Luckily, N doesn't catch that part.

"I... I see." Pause. "I was just asking because I could hear it's voice through the pokéball, but I couldn't understand what it was saying."

"Because it was in a pokéball?"

"No, I can hear the voices Pokémon in confinement and understand them just as well. This one was just..."

"Not your usual Pokémon."

"Right."

The cave is quiet again. Red reassumes his place at Snorlax's stomach.

_Green,_

He already started a draft with _I miss you,_ and he knows he decided it was too soon, but that's the one thing he wants to say to him.

_I haven't been able to get much reception up here. It's been worse in the past month. It gets especially windy at the end of winter. Do you think I could commission a reception tower up here? It'd solve a lot of problems. We'd need to do less man-hunting when people get stuck up here._

He sets that paper aside. This thought isn't going anywhere.

_Green,_

_I don't want to apologize until I know I'm coming back down for good, but I think I'm going to die with this guilt._

Way too heavy. True, but _way_ too heavy.

_Green,_

"Red? Can I ask you something?"

"You just did."

N huffs. "You know what I mean."

He doesn't look like he's in the mood for joking around, unfortunately. "What's up?"

"I... I feel bad." Pause. "It's about Touya."

Oh. Red puts his notepad down and scoots over to N. This calls for some undivided attention.

"What about him?"

"I... It's been three years since we've seen each other," N explains, hesitant and dejected. "I... I actually did come back to Unova for a short amount of time. I was going to just wait there until Touya came back, but then..."

"You left again, for some reason." He knows how this goes.

"I left because I was afraid of getting in trouble with Neo Plasma," N explains, and now he's holding Reshiram's pokéball tightly in his hands, seeking comfort. "I helped some of the trainers there fight off Neo Plasma, but I didn't want to get in trouble too, so I left before anything could happen to me, and I left before Touya could find me."

Red blinks. "You didn't do anything wrong, though. You were fighting them, right?"

A long silence precedes N's confession. "I... was the king of Team Plasma. It was three years ago."

Oh, right. That's kind of a big detail to forget. "And you're worried you're still going to be in trouble for being involved with them?"

"Yes."

"For what it's worth, Touya told me about this, and he told me he's going to prove you're innocent," Red offers. N scoffs.

"He may think I'm innocent, but I don't think anyone else will believe him."

Red shrugs. "I think they already do, from what he's told me."

"He's being optimistic."

"He's not an optimist, is he?"

"Well... no..."

Silence. N sighs deeply and carries on.

"L-Look, my innocence or lack thereof isn't what I'm worried about. I'm worried about seeing him again."

Red can see a bit of himself in N, a bit of his own situation, his own fears and anxieties. "Are you worried he'll be unhappy?"

He almost laughs. "Please. I'm worried he'll hate me."

"I... I guess the best you can do is apologize."

"How do I apologize to someone I hurt so much?"

It's a tricky situation. With the way Red sees things, he actually hasn't apologized to Green at all. He tried to apologize the first time Green scaled Mount Silver to find him, but that meeting was about 80% arguing and 20% sitting in an exhausted, lonely silence. Lonely, but not alone. Red thinks he can't really apologize without...

"You can't really apologize without making a change, is the thing," Red explains, looking around the room absently. "You find out what you did wrong. You find out how the other person feels. You learn _why_ what you did was wrong, and you admit it. You admit that you hurt them, and you were wrong. You say you're sorry."

A squall of wind howls outside, whistling across the opening to the cave.

"And then you prove it."

Another burst of wind. Red wrings his hands.

"You... prove it?"

"I guess I mean... An apology is more than words, you know," and now Red is almost trying to tell himself that, too. "It's not like you can apologize for running away if you're still on the run. Can't apologize for something while you're doing it. If you were sorry, you would stop. You'd have come back ages ago."

Silence. N looks distressed.

"...I'm saying that more to myself, y'know," he clarifies. "I shouldn't be here."

"I'm sure you have your reasons," N offers.

"Not the best reasons, but reasons. You do have a reason for running, though," Red continues. "You didn't wanna get in trouble. I think Touya can understand that. He's the one trying to make sure you don't get in trouble when you go home."

"If I go home."

"When." Pause. "You're going home. I'm not letting you leave 'til Touya is with you."

N winces. "I'm not sure I want to go back."

"Then don't bother apologizing."

"B-But I am sorry!" he shouts. "I'm sorry that I hurt Touya! I-I'm sorry that I hurt _everyone_ for my own selfish truth! I understand it wasn't ideal _now,_ but I didn't know at the time, a-and I... I feel horrible. I know people and Pokémon don't need to be separated _now,_ but I..."

"Are you still trying to separate them?"

"No."

"Then you're apologizing for that."

The beginning of Red's apology to Green (and his mother, at that) was the letters. He spent two years blindly hurting them, refusing to give either one of them any indication that he was still alive. It wasn't until he battled the new Indigo League Champion out on the summit that he decided to make a change, rekindle the smallest spark of a connection, begin to apologize and repent. He often used Pidgey to send letters back home, but the first set of messages was sent down with Ethan.

That was a few days before Green came to find him, to yell at him, and a few days later Red wondered if he should go home or just stay up here if everyone is mad at him.

If he were to go home, that would be the beginning of an immortal string of apologizing. The moment Red would try to run away again the way he did before, the moment he tries to isolate himself, he's revoking that apology. If he truly, genuinely feels bad, he needs to prove it, _show it,_ and hiding out on a mountain is only reinforcing the idea that he doesn't care at all. He's not sorry.

Oh, but he's horribly sorry, and he feels terrible about hurting his mom, about hurting Green. He _feels_ sorry. He just needs to prove it.

"Red?"

"Hm?"

"Do you..." N swallows dryly. "Do you think that..."

A few quiet minutes pass before N tries again.

"My father wasn't a very kind man," he starts, and Red is focused wholly on N once again. "He was... manipulative," he says that word carefully, "and he wasn't very nice to anyone. I only heard that he was kind to a scientist he took a liking to well after I left, but I never saw them together. He only gave me my name, a room, the knowledge a king would need, and Pokémon who were so hurt that I couldn't even speak to them." Pause. "That's all the good he ever did for me. That room and those Pokémon were the only good I ever knew from him. Otherwise, he was just cruel."

Red frowns. "That doesn't even sound that good."

"What do you mean?" For some reason, N is on the defensive.

"You're telling me your father brainwashed you and locked you in a room with abused Pokémon?"

A look of fearful realization comes over N after a moment. Red continues.

"Was he part of Team Plasma?"

"...yes. He... he was the one behind it all." He sounds a bit numb.

"So he just kinda groomed you to be Plasma's mascot, from the sound of it." No answer. "I don't think that's doing you any good. I _really_ don't think you're in any trouble, if that's how he treated you, especially if he was like that with everyone."

"Why would I be pardoned because of his actions?"

"Because your father was using you. It wasn't really your choice, was it?"

"No, but I should have just been doing better from the start," N scoffs. "He... I think he used to know what was best for me, but then he decided he wanted his own future without me, and he started kicking me around until I was just... being used." He comes closer and closer to shouting until the final few words. _Being used._ That's all that seems to have happened there. "...He apologized for hurting me, occasionally, but that never stopped him."

Yikes. This guy sounds like a piece of work. "Well, it doesn't sound like it was a sincere apology. An apology is a process. You say the words, but you need to follow through with them. Otherwise, it's a lie."

N sighs heavily and hangs his head in his hands. "I see."

"...are you okay?"

"I don't want to think about this anymore." Pause. "Thank you, though. I'll be sure to apologize to Touya properly."

"You're not gonna run off on him?" N shakes his head. "Good."

N smiles, looking a bit hurt. "I mean, I will if he doesn't want me around."

"He's been looking for you for years. I think he wants you back."

"How much has he told you?"

"A lot," he answers vaguely. "He said he thinks of you as his best friend, even though you ran off. That's what always sticks out to me."

"...why that?" N asks after a few moments of contemplation.

"Because I'm on the other end of that scenario, and I think of Green as my best friend." Pause. "Green is the one who tried to stop me from leaving, by the way. He's my Touya, kinda."

N laughs a little, oh thank god he's laughing, maybe he's doing just a little bit better. "We're both a bit of a mess, aren't we?"

"Oh, of course. We just need to clean up."

"Are you going to go find Green soon, then?"

Actually, he's not sure. He could do one of a few things. He could send Touya and N down Mount Silver on their own, but he has a feeling N is really going to struggle with his injuries. Touya took a bad fall last time, too, so that's not a great idea to leave them be. He could escort them down the easiest path he can find and wind back around to the rescue hospital at the base of the mountain, which he's going to do either way, now that he thinks about it. From any point on the mountain, it's hard to reach that center. The question is about what he's going to do after that. Come back here, or stay down there? Visit and leave? Pack up and travel elsewhere? He's not sure. He doesn't know what he wants.

Yes he does. He wants Green, but he's hesitating.

"Maybe."

"I think you should find him," N insists. Red shrugs.

"Maybe. I don't - "

_"Pidgeot!"_ a shrill cry comes from outside, echoing yet somehow muffled.

"Wait here," Red hops up. "I'll be back in a few minutes."

He trots outside, carefully hopping down the rocky outcrops with ease. He's been doing this for so many years that he sometimes forgets how difficult navigating caves can really be. It gets to be second nature when you live here. Maybe he's been too harsh on the other explorers who come here from time to time. Of course they would get hurt, because this place has the most perilous terrain out of everywhere in Kanto and Johto, maybe even in the whole world. He's just glad he's never found a dead body. He was worried that N was going to be the first.

He's not sure he's ready for the Pokémon outside. That particular cry is familiar.

_"Pidgeot!"_ the bird trills, trotting closer. He has a letter around his neck.

Around his ankle is a green piece of cloth.

"What... What are you doing here?"

_"Ot..."_ _Delivery._

Red takes the letter, and he's almost tempted to throw it into the wind. "Come in. It's cold out here."

Red doesn't go back to his cave yet, though, opting to sit out by the lake. This letter... Maybe it's from his mom. Maybe she sent it on someone else's Pokémon.

_Red,_

No, no, no, he can't read this.

_"Pidge?" What's wrong?_

"Nothing," but his voice wavers. He steels his nerves and reads the handwriting he hasn't seen in far too long.

_Red,_

_It's been too long. It's been a year since the last letter, as of the day I'm sending this off. You stopped writing me, first, you know. I tried to keep up with you, but you didn't care anymore._

_I tried to be mad at you. I just miss you, though._

_Look, I'm sick of this. I'm sick of your hide and seek bullshit. I_ _found_ _you, Red, and you need to come out. You can't stay there forever. Well, I guess it's possible, but I'm not going to let you. "Forever" on Mount Silver might mean like, two more hours. You'll freeze to death if you're not careful._

_I hope you didn't die already. I'd never forgive myself and I'd never forgive you._

_I want you back home, Red. I miss you. Your mom misses you. The kids are worried about you, you know. I know Ethan and Lyra are too high energy for you sometimes, but they care a lot, you know. Your mom's Nidorina looks for you sometimes. She goes rummaging through your room, but you know, you're never there. She stopped doing it recently because I think she can't even smell you anymore. That's how long you've been gone._

_Crystal went looking for you too a month or two back. She said she couldn't find you for hours, and when she finally did, you didn't really chat much. What's your damage? You always talk to Crys. You all talk for hours on end, and I get jealous, but I'd rather be jealous than worried out of my fucking mind._

_We have league meetings sometimes, you know that, right? You're supposed to show up, and you never do. It's irritating sometimes, but mostly we're just worried. Lance is always complaining about it, but Agatha usually smacks some sense into him. "Don't talk badly about a boy who's not even here!" She acts like you're still a kid, because_ _no one has seen you since you were a kid._

_I kept trying to reconnect with you, you know. I know it was stupid for me to yell at you the first time I finally found you. I should've had more tact, but I thought maybe I could convince you to come home by being mad. That didn't work, obviously. You know, I stopped sending you "don't die" boxes when you stopped thanking me, not because I was mad about not getting thanks, but I thought you died. Crystal had to tell me you were still alive. I guess you just don't care anymore...?_

_Red, look, I know we left off on a bad note. I'm sorry I made you upset. I will literally do anything I can to make you feel better. If you want me to forget about you - not being passive-aggressive, just desperate - I will, if that's something that'd make you happy, even if it'd hurt me. Hell I'd move in with you if you wanted, and you know how much I hate the snow._

_Red, look, I'll be blunt; you can't just run away forever. You can't just do shit like that. Do you know how worried I've been about you?_

_Just... do something. Give me some sign. I miss you so much it hurts._

_\- Green_

He can barely read the end of the message. It's getting blurry.

"Pidgeot, wait here for a second. I-I'll be right back."

He sprints so fast, so recklessly that he actually loses his footing and skids his hands on the rocks. That doesn't really slow him down, though.

"Red? Is everything okay?" N is speaking even faster than normal, somehow, worried.

"Yeah." Where's his notepad?

"What's happening?"

"Nothing much." Shoot, pen, he needs a pen.

"You look frantic."

"I know." Pencil, that'll do.

"Wh-What are you doing?"

_Green,_

_I'm so sorry. I miss you too. I'm coming down soon._

_\- Red_

"Gonna find Green."

Red rushes the letter out to Pidgeot, sends the bird on his way, and hopes, desperately hopes that Green is still waiting.


	5. searching and searching, and finally a lead

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Touya isn't sure how he's survived his loneliness for so long, but he's about to set off alone once again.

_You can't just do shit like that._

He's been mulling over what he's going to say in the years that they've been apart. The "king" has been wandering aimlessly, he can assume, searching without direction nor destination for his truth, his ideals, longing for some dream that he hadn't really known when he was so sure of himself before. All this talk about being a hero with the Legendary Reshiram, all this stuff about the future of humanity and Pokémon, the fine line between idealism and reality, all for what? For him to run away and disappear for god knows how long, to do god knows what, to accomplish nothing he knows of but hurting the people who miss him.

This is what Touya has been mad about. Otherwise, he's been terrified. 

_Do you know how worried I've been about you?_

Yes, Touya is an anxious person by nature, introverted with a habit of isolation, but these days, he's been lonelier than ever. When N left, he was devastated, yes. They came to be close friends in the months they knew each other, even with the constant threat of Team Plasma at hand. He had actually opened up to N quite a bit, which wasn't too hard to do, for once in his life. When a lot of one's plans to change the world revolve around morality, it's more necessary - somehow easier, even - to stand up for what you believe in. Before he knew N, he only had his sister and a couple of friends, and even when he met N, he felt closer to him than anyone else. 

Cheren had been his best friend for years prior, equally as quiet and introspective as he is, the perfect playmate for the shyest kid in the school yard. They would often visit each other's homes and play video games for awhile, maybe some hide and seek, then just bask in each other's company, reading books side by side, breaking the silence only to ask what this word means or how that book is. They rarely had any deep conversations, though; Touya only turned to Cheren for more personal matters in N's absence. 

Still, even Cheren has been absent as of late. 

He's a gym leader now. Of course he's busy. Bianca is a researcher, so of course she's busy. The two of them seem to find time for each other, though. His sister has been in and out of the region, and usually only comes back to the Battle Subway and a quick bite to eat at home. Touko rarely talks to him about much other than battling, though. Bianca makes small talk, pleasant chats, but not much more. Cheren has been... their conversations are stilted, as of late, awkward and terse.

"You can't just do shit like that. Do you know how worried I've been about you?"

Touya shoots a glance at Cheren from across the room, but quickly returns to packing his bag. "I'll be fine."

"You've been running around for years, and you're just getting restocked to run off again."

"It's fine."

"Your mom keeps mistaking other trainers for you." Pause. "She misses you, you know."

"I'll give her a call later."

"That's it?" Cheren's voice is heavy. Touya's weighs just as much.

"You know this is important to me."

"Yeah, at the cost of hurting everyone else around you."

"Mom, maybe. None of you ever talk to me anymore." The words taste bitter on Touya's tongue.

"Because all you talk about anymore is N!"

"Because that's all you ask about!" he snaps and glares at his friend, still his friend. "Bianca and I had a very nice discussion about the diversity of normal type Pokémon and Kanto cuisine the other day, you know that? 'cause she bothers to ask about other things in my life, instead of just yelling at me for looking for my friend!"

"She doesn't have the heart to tell you that you're being selfish," he barks back. "You're constantly all over the place looking for this guy that you're forgetting about everyone else who cares about you!"

"Who else? _You?_ You haven't made time to talk to me in the whole week I've been home." He's throwing the revives into his bag, now. "You only _just_ came over, and _just_ to yell at me."

"Well, you haven't exactly been reaching out either."

"You know how I am."

"I know, and that scares me." Concern overrides the anger in his voice.

Touya grips the max potion he was about to put in his bag. The air is thick.

"You scare me because I never know if you're going to wind up dead somewhere," Cheren carries on more softly, as if he could break Touya with his words. "Your anxiety used to flare up so badly that you couldn't even order your own food, Touya. I don't always know if you're okay, you know? If you ever need help, can you even get it? If you're scared enough - "

"I'll be fine."

Silence.

"...I guess it's been a few years since then." The gym leader relents, and Touya's grip loosens.

"Yeah."

"How've you been holding up with that, then?"

"Fine."

"Asking for help when you need it?"

"Mostly." Pause. Where'd he put those repels? "Sometimes I manage to figure it out on my own."

"Good. I'm glad." The tone is terse, but this is Cheren, and Touya can hear the silver lining of genuine relief in the edge of his voice.

"Just don't worry about me," Touya asks; pleading at heart, but his voice is too soft. "I'll call you guys more often. I can leave a message if you don't pick up."

"Right." He hears Cheren shift. "I'm usually free after eight in the evening."

"Works for me."

He packs his last escape rope away in his bag. Time to go.

"Well, um," Touya stands, awkwardly looking at his friend, "I should get going."

Cheren has a cold gaze.

"I... I'll see you around...?" Touya offers.

"Oh, you won't. I know how you are." God, his voice bites.

"...I'll call."

"Please. Please do." There's some desperation there.

"...sorry." 

He barely mutters the phrase before creeping down the stairs, past the first floor bedroom where his mom is sleeping. He sets a handwritten _be back later_ letter on the kitchen table, on the same stationary he used when he first took off three years ago, and closes the front door quietly behind him. 

He's checked everywhere. Unova, Sinnoh, Hoenn, Johto, Kanto. He even went as far as Kalos, as far as Alola. No sign of N. He's going to have to restart his search, be more thorough, more focused in his intent. Asking around for N doesn't work, he quickly realized. For anyone who'd heard of Team Plasma in the early days of his search, they automatically assumed that Touya was trying to turn him into the cops, or something, and they would try to get them involved instead.

That's... mostly wrong. Touya _has_ been working incredibly diligently with the International Police and its affiliates to hunt down the Plasma Sages, most adamantly hunting for Ghetsis after his escape. While the Shadow Triad had insisted he couldn't do any further harm to Unova ("mentally unstable," or something to that effect), he still _is_ a criminal, and he's still very much at large. Finding Ghetsis and taking him into custody would do more good than anything; hell, maybe they could get some information out of him.

Maybe not, though, if Ghetsis is absolutely mad. From the testimony of some ex-Plasma members, he's committed well over his fair share of atrocities to the region, his followers, his _own son -_

Oh god, N, N, where the hell is N? It's been way too long. Maybe he got hurt. Maybe he died. These are the possibilities Touya thinks about, and these are the possibilities he hates more than anything. N is probably - no, hopefully fine. He's probably - he might be out there somewhere. He has to be _somewhere,_ but as to what condition he's in, as to how well he's fared, as to if he even wants to see Touya again, all that is up in the air. The worst possible scenario would be finding N's obituary in some obscure local news paper. Maybe it would be worse to find his bones, still accompanied by his Menger sponge and his planetary-looking necklace. Maybe it would be worse still to find him malnourished on the side of some road, taking his final breaths, living long enough to see Touya and realize he was too late and resent him for it. Maybe - 

Reuniclus breaks out of his pokéball.

_"Ree!"_ He spins around Touya rapidly. He ducks out of Reuniclus's path with the same tired energy as he always has anymore. This used to be a game for them.

"What are you doing out of your ball? Are you okay?"

_"Ree-u..."_ The green critter looks almost sad. Touya sighs; he probably looks sad, too.

"I'll be fine, Reu. Get back in your ball."

_"Ree!"_

"Please. We can't do this right now."

Reuniclus is a psychic type, so it's especially receptive to Touya's emotions. He had considered registering him as a therapy Pokémon, considering he helps with Touya's anxiety as much as possible, but he's just too excitable to make the cut (though Samurott was perfect for the job). He does know when Touya starts to feel low, though, knows when he's working himself up into a panic, or down into a rut, and Reuniclus does whatever he can to pull him out of that. He was actually very successful, for awhile.

But only for awhile.

_"Nii..."_ The green critter looks at him, dejected and worried. Touya forces a smile, though he knows the Pokémon can tell he's faking it.

"Relax, we'll be fine. We're just looking for N."

_"Niclus!"_

"I know, I know, we've been at this for awhile," Touya tries to sooth him, petting his slick arms, "but we need to find him. I need to know he's okay. Once I know he's safe, I'll bring him home, and I'll prove he's innocent. Okay?" At that, Reuniclus dejectedly goes back into the great ball.

Yes, N is innocent. He was used as a pawn by Ghetsis, not unlike many of the members of Team Plasma. About half of them disbanded after they learned the truth, preferring to follow N's lead and try to actually help Pokémon in need, rather than separating happy Pokémon from their trainers - or worse, using them as tools. If a trainer is cruel, yes, separation is necessary. More often their efforts now go to rehabilitating hurt feral Pokémon, strays, ones that a trainer has to give up or ones that were rejected for some reason. There's a whole branch over in the Hoenn region Touya heard about recently, a fairly large group who gather unwanted Pokémon from the Wonder Trade System and help reacquaint them with being Pokémon, not just data in a capsule somewhere. Zigzagoon and Wurmple are some of their top clients, he was told. He even sent a few home to Professor Juniper for some ethical research, studying development over time and the evolutionary process.

Yes, these members of Team Plasma are innocent, and so is N. He's sure of it. 

Again, Reuniclus breaks out, frantic.

_"Ree! Ree ree reeee!"_

"What? What what whaaaat?" he mimics. "What's the matter, buddy?"

_"Reeeee!"_

Touya huffs, more worried now than annoyed. "I can't help you if you don't tell me what's wrong, Reu. Are you sick?"

_"Ni-ni,"_ it shakes its head.

"Hungry?"

_"Ni."_

"Is there danger ahead?" How could there be? Route 17 is fairly tranquil.

_"Nii!"_

"Well, what is it?"

_"Rii-rii! Rii-rii!"_

That's the little call it uses to tell him to check his phone. Now... Now is an odd time to ask that of him.

"What is it, buddy? Is someone gonna call soon?"

_"Ri!"_

Ah, that's it, then. Past the route 17 gate, there's basically no reception, and what little signal there is tends to be pretty messy. Reuniclus must be trying to make sure Touya gets whatever call is coming through, then.

It might just be Cheren yelling at him again. Preferably, it'd be an apology, but Cheren doesn't apologize that fast after an argument. It used to annoy Touya, but he found that Cheren spends days mulling over just what to say to make things right. That's one of his virtues, as he's gotten older; patience, that and sincerity. Touya has always been one to do that, too, think and rethink what he's going to say the next time he sees someone. 

Oh, the pages and pages of letters he's written to N, crumpled notebooks in the back of his closet, filled with what he might say when he finally finds N again. The list goes on and on and -

_Ring ring._ Reuniclus actually knocks Touya over in his excitement. 

"Ouch! Calm down, buddy, I'm getting to it..." 

_"Reuni!!"_

He sighs and answers; no caller ID, though. "Hello?"

"...Touya?" Such a soft voice. It has to be - 

"Red? What's up? I-Is everything okay?"

He only met the world champion briefly, but he was welcomed to stay in his cave hideaway for a few days until the worst of a snowstorm blew over. He wasn't too chatty, but he was happy to listen, giving little nods of approval and hums of acknowledgement as Touya ranted about everything under the sun. Childhood playdates with his friend group, picking Oshawott when he was sixteen for a bit of a belated adventure, meeting N in Accumula, his first Pokémon catch, the brief crush he had on Burgh the moment he saw him, the ferris wheel... everything about his journey, his life, his hunt for his friend and his findings from all over the world, all of it laid out on the table for the quiet champion. Touya probably talked for twenty four hours worth of his three day stay. Red spoke for maybe thirty minutes. His voice is so distinct, though.

Speaking of speaking, Red is not speaking, and that's making Touya worry, because why would he call if he was going to stay silent?

"Are you there? Can you hear me?"

"...found... looking for..."

"Red, speak up, I-I can't hear you."

There's nearly a minute of silence, and he almost hangs up. Reuniclus was so adamant about picking up, though, so... 

Another minute. Finally, he hears a clear message through the static.

"Come back. N is here. He - "

The signal cuts. Touya has never sent out Zekrom to fly off faster in his life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> did i mention i like to switch pov's when i write because hoo boy i sure do
> 
> honestly this has been a lot of fun to write! i have up to chapter 30 planned out, but there's still more to come after that, so who knows how long this is gonna be!!!! i do not and i don't mind, i'll let things take their course and hit their climax when it feels Natural (pls appreciate my pun i'm trying my best)


	6. longing and longing and found

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's been too long, but there's an end to all things. This one feels like coming home.

_It's been too long, N._

_I've been worried sick about you, you know. I've been worried that I'd find you dead somewhere. I've been worried that I'd never see you again. I've been worried that you've been hurting and haven't had anyone around to help. I've been worried that Plasma got to you and hurt you again. I've been so, so worried, N._

_Do you realize that?_

_It's been so long, N. I've been all over the world looking for you. Kalos is beautiful in the autumn, but the culture there is so foreign, and I don't think I could get used to it. Alola is lively and vibrant, but it's too hot for me, too hot and too busy. Sinnoh has interesting mythology, inspiring and majestic, but it's absolutely freezing, too rocky and too windy. Hoenn is very diverse and filled with interesting Pokémon, but half covered in oceans, too wet and too stormy for me. Johto has an outstanding landscape, stunning shrines and architecture, but it's so far from home, and the whole region almost feels too rustic. Kanto is the peak of Pokémon culture, on the cutting edge of research and technology, but the cities are so polluted and crowded and, somehow, they feel lonely._

_I guess I'm just a Unova kid after all. A whole spread of geography to pick from, mass amounts of rare and beautiful Pokémon native to only our region, huge spirited cities filled with people from all over the world, small town cities with warm wood-burning fireplaces and warmer hospitality, seasons for all walks of life, allvarieties of humans and Pokémon, legends of dragons and heroes, truths and ideals and dreams._

_I just want to go home, you know. I want to bring you home. That's my dream, now._

_You wanted to make your dream a reality, make your dream become your truth. I held fast to my ideals, hoped to change the world for the better. I fear this is why you left. I fear I may have hurt you in that moment. I fear you thought your truth died with the rise of my ideals. Nothing is black and white, though, N. Nothing is ever so cleanly cut, and we can both find our dreams, realize them from our hearts into the world._

_We can do this together, N._

_So I don't understand._

_I don't understand why you ran away. Where have you been hiding? Do you realize how much I've missed you? Do you realize how worried I've been? With every log I flip over and every corner I turn, I fear I'll find you in the worst state of your life. I worry I may not even find you alive. Why have you been running away? Why are you running from me? I thought we were friends, N, right? But..._

_"I actually kind of liked you a little."_

_Was that it? Was that really it? We spent hours of time spent together in the Dreamyard, watching for Munna in the moonlight. Sitting at the river bank in Pinwheel Forest after foraging for berries for our Pokémon. The secrets you told me on the ferris wheel in Nimbassa, the hug we shared in Chargestone Cave, our clashing ideals in Mistralton City, watching you befriend Reshiram at Dragonspiral Tower, the takeover at the Pokémon League, watching me befriend Zekrom at your castle, fuck_ _,_ _N, where did I go wrong? What happened? When did you decide to go against me? You said it yourself; I made you doubt your truth. Why did you keep chasing it? Why did you have to hurt me? Why are you hurting yourself, cutting yourself off from the ones who care about you? What are you thinking? You can't just run away like this! You can't run and expect that I'll just let you go! You can't just do shit like that! Do you know how worried I've been about you?!_

_At least I found you. At least I finally found you._

_Don't ever run away like that ever again._

He's crying from more than high speed winds, obviously.

Touya finishes writing his script down, then tucks it away in his bag. Perfect timing; the peak of Mount Silver can be seen through the fog. He does need a script, at least to plan his thoughts, because otherwise he fears his sentiment will be lost, that he'll just be so overwhelmed with emotion that he'll manage to make N upset or angry, and then he'll be gone again. That's the last thing he needs right now. The second to last thing he needs is to find out that, somehow, Red got the wrong person, and Touya has been finalizing his message to N for nothing. It has to be N, though. He's ranted so much about him that there's no way Red could mistake him. Bianca and Cheren could be mistaken, maybe, but only by appearance. If anyone takes a second to talk to either of them, they're pretty distinct. N is on an entirely different level of individuality, though. He's never met anyone like N before, and he sincerely doubts he ever will.

He only hopes that N wasn't a one-time encounter. He hopes N is alive. He hopes N is _well._ Red couldn't finish the rest of his message, so he has no way of knowing if his friend is safe. 

On that note, he's also worried about Red. N should probably know that Red is the _world champion_ of Pokémon battles, and even with N's realizations about separating people from Pokémon, that might still rub him the wrong way. He wouldn't fight Red, probably - he's a pacifist at heart - but if there was too much tension, N wouldn't hesitate to run, and that would somehow be even worse than finding him hurt or infuriated. N would just... be gone again, off to see more of the world, and Touya would just have to hope helplessly that he'd come across him one day.

That hasn't worked out so far.

_"Rommm..."_ Zekrom grumbles, circling the snowy mountain top. This looks like the right place. It's hard to make out much of anything in the snow, but he recalls the little hole into the mountain being fairly small, nestled between two miniature peaks. _People always think I live on the summit, but it's way too harsh up there, even for me,_ Red had noted in probably the longest sentence he said during those few days.

"Right down there, yeah," he shouts over the wind. With that, Zekrom dives down towards the snow, shivering at the hail blowing around. "I know, I know. I'll get you right in your pokéball when we land, I promise. I can't thank you enough for this, you know."

It takes a few passes to actually land, though. The air resistance is absurd. The fourth pass finally lands the two in about knee-deep snow, and Touya quickly thanks Zekrom again before calling it back into its shelter. If pokéballs were good for nothing else, they're good for keeping Pokémon out of the worst of the elements. It'd be great if there were a human equivalent, actually. 

Oh, god, it's cold. He'd better get inside. 

The wind actually pushes him toward the cavern, toward and a bit to the left, and he only stumbles twice in the snow before getting inside. It's a mysterious cavern, with this strange ability to feel almost twenty degrees warmer than the outside air. It helps that Red has a few torches lit up, ones that he probably set up to guide Touya through the rocky outcrops. The fact that the wind whisks right past the entrance and not into the mountain face is a bonus. It doesn't feel so bad in here when it's in the negatives _without_ the horrendous windchill out there.

Touya steels his nerves for a moment before he begins his ascent to the miniature cliff overlooking the cavern lake. He... He doesn't _need_ to hold back tears upon seeing N, or upon not seeing him there, but he wants to keep himself somewhat under control. He doesn't want to completely lose it in front of N, or Red, or a stranger, or - 

He's been sprinting, which he only realizes when he falls and skims the heel of his hand on the ground. Okay, not bad on injuries this time. Last time he fell and could've swore he broke his leg. The pain was unbearable, but it turned out to be just (and he uses the word _just_ loosely) quite a long fracture, out of sheer luck. The dislocated hip actually hurt worse. He wasn't able to leave for those three days, though it would have been worse if he didn't have Audino constantly blasting him with her Heal Pulse.

He takes a deep breath outside the entrance to the cave where N should be.

And another.

Another.

One more.

He steps inside. At first, it's empty, save for a small note on the ground. Trembling, Touya picks it up and focuses his eyes in the dim light.

_Touya,_

_I left to go battle a challenger at the summit. If you don't see N, check the blanket pile. Wait until I get back before you leave if you're gonna leave soon._

_\- Red_

He looks around, treading carefully, trying to make as little noise as possible. The Snorlax that was so comfortably cuddled up in the corner when he first arrived is missing; battling, it seems. None of the pokéballs are on the table. The radio is off. No smell of freshly cooked fried rice over a Charizard's tail fire here. No Pikachu trying to shock him to defend its trainer. No such trainer.

No one.

Something stirs to his left.

Touya looks over at the pile of blankets. He doesn't want to pull them away. He doesn't want to see someone who may not be N. He's almost not sure if he wants to see N. He's scared, yes, terrified that _N_ doesn't want to see _him,_ and he'd rather live in ignorance of that than be rejected after three years of separation. 

"Was it a fast battle, Red?"

That lighter pitch. That fast pace.

"Red?"

N sits up and turns to face Touya. 

Silence.

Both of them are trembling. Touya's script is lost. N looks shellshocked. Their eyes lock but can't seem to focus on each other properly. Seems like it's getting humid. Maybe it's going to rain.

N is the first one to let out a sob, and that breaks Touya, and he practically falls onto N and grips him in the tightest hug he's ever given in his life. There's his heartbeat, his breath, his tangled mess of soft hair, his voice, his voice, _N's voice,_ yes, thank god, thank god he's here he's here _he's alive -_

"Don't ever leave me again."

That's all the script Touya can remember. That's all he can manage to say. N's response is better.

"Never again."

One of them is gently rocking the other, Touya can't tell who, but the gentle sway is very welcomed. This is comforting. It's a little warmer in here. N's skin felt so cold when they hugged for the first (only, until now) time in Chargestone Cave, but here he feels like a fireplace, hot and comforting and home, _home._ He feels at home.

N is the one to start crying more loudly, and Touya is the one to rub his back and coo to him, _everything's okay, I'm here now, I was so worried, I'm so happy you're safe, I missed you, I missed you a lot, I missed you so much._ Muddled whimpers try to reply, but he doesn't need to answer with words now. This embrace is an answer. N's grip is tight on Touya's jacket, his face nestled into the crook of his neck, wetting the skin with better, warmer water than snow and hail, that's an answer. He keeps trying to edge closer, and Touya keeps trying to let him, but there's only so much space to close between two bodies, but any space between them right now is a curse, a sin. N's heart is racing, beating hard, but not so fast to cause concern. That's not a dangerous pulse. He's not dying It's okay. He's safe. 

N is safe. N is here.

And so is Touya.

"I missed you so much, N," Touya manages to choke out more loudly, more audibly for his friend. He can finally say that. _Missed._ That verb, to miss someone, to feel the absence of someone... He doesn't _miss_ N. He _missed_ N, and now N is here, and Touya is with him. 

If he's being honest, Touya thought he would die saying _miss_ in the present tense. 

"I'm sorry," N whispers, barely audible, speaking at a reasonable speed only because of how much effort is going into talking with his overwhelming emotions. "I'm so, so, sorry, I-I didn't... didn't think that..."

He breaks again. Touya hushes him, runs his hand over the back of his head, and patiently waits to an end to the thought. 

"...I thought you would find me sooner."

Touya breaks into a sob. He only holds N tighter.

"I-I'm sorry, Touya..."

"I tried to find you, N."

"I'm - "

"I should've found you sooner..."

"N-No, no, it was my fault, I shouldn't have - "

"It's okay, y-you needed to get away, I shouldn't have - "

"I could have - "

"I should have- "

" - found you sooner."

It's said in unison, the final three words. They could have found each other sooner, could have, should have, but they're here now. That's better than nothing.

That's better than everything.

"We're here now," Touya hums, trying to gather himself at last. N nods but stays nestled in the crook of his neck. "That's what matters."

"I missed you, Touya."

Despite himself, he can't calm his tears. "I missed you too, N. Never leave me again."

"Never again. I promise."

It's either a few minutes or half an hour before N finally pulls away to look at Touya again.

"...you look like a mess, N."

"You don't look much better." Touya laughs. N isn't wrong, is he? "Here, let me find a tissue for you."

"We're gonna need the whole box."

N laughs now, a rare, sweet sound. "Don't you think Red will want some, coming in from the cold?"

Touya shrugs. "I'll pay him back."

Neither of them can find the tissues, though, so they resolve to curl up together for now. It feels warm. Safe.

It feels like home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello i cried while writing this chapter because this is the part i've been daydreaming of since 2012!!! these two may have reunited but trust me there is *plenty* more stuff to come, because slow burn to me is some *very* slow burn. (one of my original works takes 3 stories' worth of content to get two characters together gkhjdfg)  
> (fun fact, the music i used for this scene was This is Home by cavetown (2018 version) bc that's kinda one of my recent go-to emotional scene songs)


	7. hiding and hiding and peeking out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> N has been trying to keep everything about himself hidden for quite a while. This isn't exclusively limited to his affiliation with Team Plasma.

Their noses keep brushing against each other. 

Espeon had actually returned about twenty minutes after Touya showed up, only to tell them that Red was preoccupied with something else now ( _"I'm not even entirely sure what he's up to. This is just how he is..._ "). On that note, she found the tissues for them, then told the two to just stay put for now. Considering neither one is in any hurry to go out into the snow again, that's fine by them. The overwhelming emotions from their reunion are finally subsiding a little, enough that they're not both bawling and clinging to each other for dear life. It's calmer, now, softer but still comforting, warm. It feels like home. 

Touya feels like home, a home that N never really had.

They're both currently snuggled against each other in the bundle of blankets and pillows, holding each other carefully. N actually hurt his shoulder again from hugging Touya so tightly, which is why Touya insisted on being gentler, now. The pain doesn't matter to him right now, to be honest, but Touya is sure that _you're gonna make it worse if you're careless,_ and not wanting to fight over something so silly, N has agreed to a more gentle embrace this time. 

In the time they've been laying here, their noses have brushed against each other about four times. Who's keeping score, though?

N feels... funny. His stomach feels a little fluttery and his throat feels a little sick and his face feels a little warm. He's not sure what this is, but he's gathered what this feeling might be from twenty one years of life and three years of travel; a flu or a crush. Why someone would feel sick when they're secretly in love, N can't say, but this is what he's been told on multiple occasions, and he's reasonably willing to believe this to be a symptom of love. It wouldn't be such a universal belief if it had no basis in reality, right? The chemical reaction for love is a strange thing, and if it involves feeling so infatuated that you come down with a fever... well, love is strange, none of its formulas make sense, so this may as well happen. 

Of course, this is making him nervous. 

They've hit a comfortable lull in their conversation. They were talking about the little things in life before this quiet moment, something about exploring ruins in Johto, Touya's nineteenth birthday spent in a forest over a campfire, N's weird encounter with a ghostly Pokémon in Sinnoh... They've fallen quiet, though, opting to just rest and feel better. Touya's hand sits delicately on N's hurting shoulder, rubbing it slowly, and it is actually helping a little. 

Their faces are close. Touya's breath is warm. 

He shifts again. Another brush. 

This is infuriating, in a way, because while N knows he has the least amount of social experience here, he genuinely doesn't think Touya notices what's happening - or is N the only one feeling this? Is he looking into it too much? Touya is making N's heart race in a way he didn't think possible. He had come to the conclusion previously that romance just wasn't for him, and that's that, but then he befriended Touya, and in their separation... it makes the heart grow fonder, of course. 

His breath smells like berries. Maybe he still uses the recipe they used to make food for their Pokémon in Pinwheel Forest.

_Are you sure it's safe for humans?_ Touya had been skeptical, at first, N remembers that clearly.

_Of course! All that's in it is berries and spring water._

_Does it taste any good?_

_I think it does..._

That was a cute little picnic they had. 

Touya seems even closer now, their noses are almost touching, his lips are so near and _oh my god I can't do this -_

"Touya." Oops. That was too loud. The surprise makes Touya pull away a little. 

"W-What is it?"

"I... um..." N falls quiet when he looks at Touya's face, his eyes, windows to the soul. His heart is racing. Maybe he did catch a fever. 

"Are you okay? You look warm."

"No. I-I mean, yes, I'm fine, but I'm not warm, I'm fine."

Touya looks understandably skeptical and worried. "Are you sure? If something hurts more, you need to tell me now so we can fix it."

"No, I... I'm sure." Pause. "Maybe I am a little warm..." He'll offer that. 

"You look it, yeah." Touya puts his hand on N's forehead, which doesn't help. "You don't feel _too_ feverish, though. Just kinda hot."

"Is that good?"

"Yeah, l-lemme just throw some of the blankets off, I-I don't want you to overheat. Let me know if you get cold though, okay?"

"I think I'll be fine. You're very warm." 

That came out wrong. Touya is blushing a little but he laughs. 

"Good. At least I know I'm not hypothermic."

"I wouldn't want you to freeze, no." N tries to inch closer but hisses because _ow_ he can't move that arm just yet. 

"Hey, stop scooting around. We'll get you to a hospital as soon as we get down from here and have you checked out."

Oh. 

That. 

"...Touya?"

"Yeah?"

"I..." N swallows dryly. "I don't want to go back."

Silence. It's tense, now. 

"Well, I'm not leaving you here."

"I-I know, and I don't want to stay here, but I don't... I don't want to go back. I don't think I can."

Touya keeps a calm gaze on N. "What do you mean?"

"I... Team Plasma was..."

He can't find the words to say it. He knows it in his heart; he was the king of Team Plasma, and he doesn't think he'll be welcomed back into society any time soon. He's too skittish, at any rate. He's not even remotely socially adjusted. Even when he was sent into the heart of Unova by Ghetsis to see (in Ghetsis's words) "how cruel people are to their Pokémon," he wasn't very good at talking to anyone. The only one he was able to speak to at any length was Touya, and more briefly to whoever Touya was around. He's a comforting presence to N, somehow, and a neutral presence, an ideal trainer, and of course, a truly wonderful friend. 

Touya seems to be the only one who would be willing to let N come home, as far as he knows. 

"What's worrying you about Team Plasma?"

"I was their king."

"You were being used. You weren't really a king."

It hurts to hear that, but Touya isn't wrong. "No one understands that, though."

"They're starting to understand."

N stares blankly at him. Touya sits up, and N follows suit. 

"After you left, about half the members of Plasma decided they'd rather do what you were trying to do and help Pokémon. It started to be less about separating people and Pokémon and more about, like... you know, just helping them," Touya explains. "They help Pokémon when they're sick, save them when they're in danger, whatever needs to be done. There's this half that's entirely concerned with the welfare of Pokémon the way you were, N. Even if you were all trying to do something that... wasn't going to work," he says that carefully, "you meant well. People are starting to realize that, especially after Ghetsis came back with Neo Plasma."

"Neo... The ones who he gathered to try and freeze over the region? Was that when he tried to kill Rosa?"

"Yeah, they - wait, he _what_?" Did Touya not hear about that last part?

"Ghetsis tried to make Kyurem use Glaciate on Rosa, but I stopped them before she got hurt. Then Reshiram..." N speaks faster and faster, then falls quiet. He doesn't want to reminisce about this. "Well, the dragons are safe now. That incident was part of Neo Plasma's plan."

"At least everyone is safe now, yikes..." he sighs. "Yeah, they were looking into Pokémon fusion, specifically with Kyurem. I guess Ghetsis was kind of a mastermind behind it all, but he got mad at the appointed leader about something, then Rosa told me he yelled at you..."

N nods a little. "Yes."

"Mm." Pause. "So there's that. Ever since Neo Plasma came around, the members of _your_ Team Plasma have been trying to clear their names and do some good for Pokémon. It was when we started interrogating the Sages that things started to get out about how some of the inner workings were, how many people were left in the dark, all that stuff. I guess you'd know that pretty well too, right?"

"I suppose."

N nods and takes a minute to process everything Touya is saying. So the Sages are coming clean about Ghetsis's manipulative ways, about how many grunts thought they were working for N's truth; hell, some of them didn't even know about Ghetsis. N had known that Ghetsis was dishonest, he knew from the start, but... Well, with the way he is, it's not like N could have really protested. 

N can't help feeling like this was all his fault, though.

"Are you okay?" Touya's voice is quiet even with the slight echo.

"I suppose."

"Be honest."

N feels himself withering in his own thoughts. "I'm scared."

"I won't let anything happen to you. I promise."

" _You_ won't," N immediately retorts, "but no one else cares the way you do. What if this investigation is all a ruse? I don't want to get in more trouble than I'm already in, Touya!"

"Hey, hey, calm down, please," Touya holds N's hands tightly in his own. "I've been making your case since you disappeared, you know. I'm absolutely _positive_ that you're going to be safe."

"What makes you so sure?!"

"Because I've been working with the International Police to prove your innocence, and the innocence of the half of Team Plasma that were being manipulated! That's not for nothing, you know!" 

"Stop yelling!"

"You need to stop yelling too, then." Touya does lower his voice first, though.

"...I'm sorry." He lets out a breath he didn't know he was holding.

"It's okay." He squeezes N's hands. "I know this is hard."

"I'm just... so scared."

"I know."

He wants to say something more, but he just ends up sobbing weakly. Touya carefully scoots over and pulls N close. With careful movements as not to strain himself, N holds Touya.

"I know this is scary," Touya hums. "You know you weren't at fault, though." 

Oh, he begs to differ.

"You weren't trying to hurt anybody, and you didn't really do anything wrong, in that regard." Pause. "Just to be transparent, I think the police might want to talk to you about Reshiram and what happened at the Pokémon League, but telling us about Team Plasma and Ghetsis is going to be the main focus, and more important than anything you may have done that didn't work out." Again, he's careful not to say that N did anything _wrong._ N _knows_ he did things that were wrong, but the sentiment of Touya's caution is nice.

"But I don't even wanna go back," N whimpers. "I don't wanna think about it anymore. I just wanna be with you."

"I'll be with you, N. We need to do this, though. You just need to talk to them once or twice, then it should all be over. I can't promise anything, because I'm not about to promise something I'm unsure of, but... yeah." He sighs. "It'll be okay, N. Just - "

"Natural." His voice is barely a whisper.

Pause. "What was that?"

He wavers the second time. "Natural. That's what _N_ stands for."

"Hm." N almost feels Touya smile. "That's a lovely name."

"I... Thank you." He's blushing a little, maybe.

"Thank you for trusting me enough to tell me your name, Natural."

Oh. That's... weird. Not even Ghetsis called him by his proper name. Usually, he just called him a _freak without a human heart._

"Are you okay?"

"You ask that a lot," N comments.

"Because I worry a lot..." It almost sounds like Touya was going to say his name, but something stopped him. "I mean, um, do... would you prefer if I kept calling you N, or...?"

Seems N's intuition was spot on. "For the most part, yes." Pause. "You can call me Natural in private, I guess..."

"That's fair." Pause. "If you have to give your full name to the police for full disclosure, would you be okay with that?"

He winces at the thought. "No, but I'd rather be transparent than give them a reason to arrest me."

"I already told you, you're innocent. We just need to get the full picture, and you're the best person to ask about that."

"I see."

The two pull away again, looking at each other with a tired sort of gaze. N doesn't realize his eyes are still damp until Touya wipes a tear off his cheek.

"I'll keep you safe, okay? I promise." N nods softly. "And... And if things get bad, we'll both run off together."

He doesn't want to live his life on the run, but again, the sentiment is comforting. "Okay."

"But we won't have to do that."

"No, we won't."

Silence. Touya leans in and presses his forehead to N's. 

"Everything is going to be okay," he whispers.

"Are you telling me, or yourself?"

"A bit of both."

N grins a little. Touya puts his hands on N's cheeks, and his fingers smooth some of his hair away from his face. 

"What are you doing?" Blushing again. This isn't a flu.

"Just messing with your hair. It's soft." Touya backs off just a little. He's getting red too. "I-I guess that's kinda weird, b-b-but - "

"I like it. I-I mean, I don't mind - "

"N-No, no, I can stop if you - "

"You don't - I mean - "

And they're both dead silent, staring at each other and wondering who's going to make the next move.

Touya almost leans in, but there's a sudden _pat pat pat_ of several sets of paws rushing into the cave, and a quieter _tap tap tap_ of someone's shoes jogging up. There's a _zap_ and almost a _shing_ of electricity and psychic energy, then a voice. 

"Don't run inside! You're gonna knock something - "

Red spots N and Touya sitting an inch away from each other. 

"...Am I interrupting something?"

N is the first to panic, he's sure, but Touya is the first to jump back, and N shoves himself away and falls into the blankets.

"Because I can go if - " Red gets cut off by Touya.

"N-N-No, no, e-everything's fine, we're good!" That's this nervous voice he gets sometimes, suddenly an octave higher and faster and with a heavier stammer, all said with a not-very-convincing smile. It's endearing, really.

Now's not the time to be fawning.

Red gives them both a knowing smirk, but he plays it off. "Alright. Warm enough?"

Touya looks at N, who nods. "Yes, thank you. Touya and I have just been talking. Where were you?"

"I saw a Larvitar and chased it for half an hour." He holds out a timer ball, presumably containing the creature. "It looked too weak to battle, though. There's been less of them on the mountain lately. Oak wanted me to send some down for research."

"Why would you catch it if there's not enough of them in their natural habitat?" N questions. Red whistles to the Pikachu and Espeon, who promptly settle down. 

"Research. Need to see if they're sick or something. Might just be getting too cold." Red releases a Charizard into the cave. Like, a whole Charizard. That's a fairly large Pokémon. 5'7" tall, a wingspan of at least twice that. That's big for a little cave.

Red, however, is unfazed by this, and simply begins cooking something over the Charizard's tail.

"Snow's getting bad."

Shoot. They're still gonna be here for awhile, aren't they?

"N needs to get to a hospital pretty soon, though," Touya presses. Red nods.

"I know. It'll be worse if we go out, though. You'll get hurt again."

"Well, how bad is the storm?" Touya presses.

"Too bad to fly, way too bad to climb."

Touya looks at N, though it takes a minute for N to notice; he's more fixated on the pan Red has.

"I can wait," N answers an unasked question. "The pain isn't nearly as bad as before."

Touya doesn't look convinced, but he can't argue with a blizzard, and he definitely can't argue with an underfed N.

"Um... Red, what are you cooking?" N ventures to ask.

"Rice."

God, he's starving. Even just rice smells delicious. 

"Red, you _do_ eat more than just rice, right?" Touya scoots closer. His hand is next to N's, now.

"..."

"Red?"

"I plead the fifth." Touya just sighs. 

"Can..." Is it rude for him to ask? "Can we have some?"

Red glances up. "Why do you think I'm making so much?"

N smiles. "I'm very grateful, Red."

Red's smile seems to be a response. "Can one of you get the saffron?"

It takes both N and Touya, two people who have never cooked much if at all, to determine which unmarked spice bottle is saffron. It turns out to be paprika.

 

* * *

 

 

_Green,_

_I realized I've been ignoring how much I miss you._

_I met a trainer a few weeks back. He was looking for a friend. You might have fought him. Name's Touya. He said he's from Unova. He got pretty beat up from a bad fall. I kinda thought he was dead. I took him inside when I figured out he wasn't. He stayed for a few days. We talked. He told me about his friend. He took off after the blizzard cleared out._

_Few months later, I meet the friend he was talking about. Stoke of luck. I called Touya back. Told him I found his friend. He came within a few hours. He was in Unova when I called._

_They've been kinda clinging to each other. They keep muttering "I missed you" and "don't disappear again" every so often._

_I feel bad._

_I'm sorry I haven't written to you in over a year now. I've been in a slump. Battling feels empty. Talking feels worse. Touya was the one who kinda pulled me out of that slump. It's because of how he talked about N. He's really fond of him. They're really close. Touya was looking for him for three years. They're happy to be together again._

_I'm gonna lead them down to a hospital when I can. N's hurt this time. Almost bled out in the snow. He's recovering a bit even with just my help. He needs a real doctor though._

_So I'm gonna come down. And I'm gonna visit you._

_I dunno. I miss you. I'm lonely and I'm ignoring my best friend and expecting that to help._

_Surprise; it doesn't help. I'm just gonna come track you down and you can't stop me._

_I'll see you as soon as I can. Giving myself a time limit of two weeks from sending this. Don't wait up for me. I'll knock when I show up._

~~ _By the way, I really care about you. I don't think I've told you that enough, but I do._ ~~

_By the way, make pancakes when I get in. You make good pancakes._

_\- Red_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey so i kinda forgot to update for a few days? sorry about that D: i'm gonna toss up another chapter of hurt/comfort to make up for it!  
> this chapter is also known as "i really like hurt/comfort dialogue and no one can stop me"


	8. hesitating, hesitating, yet still marching on

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> N is having - has been having - second thoughts about coming home. Something about Touya himself is very convincing on its own.

He's struggling to keep up. 

It's been a few days, but the blizzard has finally cleared, so the trio has set out to reach the Mount Silver Rescue Center for N's still probably dislocated shoulder. N is keeping pace with Touya easily; he's trying to hike slowly enough that N can stay by his side even with one bad ankle. The pain is largely gone now, though, so it had to have just been twisted and not really broken. The less time he needs to spend in the hospital, the better. 

That is, if they ever find the hospital. Red is so fast that they've lost him a dozen times by now. 

Apparently this is an "easy" way down the mountain, though it's a route only really known to Johto and Kanto natives. Even so, the path remains rocky, with sudden steep drops and carved out stairs covered in ice. Touya is hiking along it just fine, keeping one hand on N to keep him steady, or maybe just to keep track of him. N is struggling more, but any help he's needed has been tended to by Touya. Red is about fifty feet ahead at any given point, then he stops, waits for the Unovans to catch up, then heads off again and gets too far ahead. He's consistently just jumping from one landing on the mountain to another, touching down with effortless grace the likes of which N has only seen in the Skiddo of Kalos. It's absolutely absurd. He's not one to complain about their guide, though, because they'd be completely lost otherwise. 

They're about halfway down the mountain, now, or at least he thinks; there hasn't been an inch of snow anywhere for only a few minutes now, but that's absolutely an improvement. Maybe they're still closer to the summit, but this is progress, and no ice is probably the best thing for everyone right now. It's still chilly (about 40 Fahrenheit, at best), but the wind is blocked by rows upon rows of evergreen trees and other smaller peaks surrounding Mount Silver. The trip from here down should be even easier. 

"You still there?" Red calls back. 

"I was gonna ask you," Touya replies as they catch up. "You're sprinting compared to us." 

Red smiles a little. "I'm used to the land here."

"How long have you been living here?" N asks. Red counts on his fingers. 

"20, 19, 18... six years. No, eight...? Eight."

Touya looks skeptical. "How old were you when - ?"

"I came here when I was twelve. Long story." Red pauses. "Champion stuff."

"I'm impressed with your hiking abilities," N comments. "I climbed often when I was very young, but this is a difficult trek."

"Mount Silver is an acquired skill." Pause again. "I always liked climbing."

The majority of the remaining hike is quiet. Peaceful. There are birds singing off in the distance (namely Doduo) and the soft hum of bugs every so often. 

"N?" That tone sounds worrying. 

He looks over at Touya. "Yes?"

"I'm... I just messaged one of the officers I'm working with." Oh no. "They said they want to talk to you at the hospital once you're doing a bit better, then maybe one more time at the station in Striaton, then you'll be done, okay?"

N stops in his tracks. Touya stops with him. They've lost sight of Red again. 

"N."

"I don't wanna go back anymore." His voice is lighter, quicker; frantic.

"N, please - "

"I'm not gonna - " 

"You can't just - "

Then it's a flurry of shouting and persuading, nobody is getting anything out of anyone, N is trying to pull back but Touya is trying to pull him forward and he can't hear any Pokémon anymore and - 

" - not leaving me again!"

" - get in trouble!"

"Hey!"

That's probably the only time they'll ever hear Red come even close to yelling. His voice doesn't even echo. 

"N, you're going to ruin your shoulder if you don't come down. Just keep Touya with you for moral support."

Touya frowns, unfortunately. "I don't think I‘m allowed to sit with him while they're talking. I definitely can't talk to him during - "

"Just don't talk."

"That's not how - "

"If you don't sway him - "

"They won't let me in, Red!"

Pause. "We'll figure something out."

"You can't just..." 

"We can do things, Touya. We're not stopped by things like legal repercussions."

N starts laughing. He doesn't really believe Red in this case, but the idea of an adult who looks like a kid trying to bribe the police is amusing. 

"That's not how the law works!"

"That never stopped me."

Touya sighs heavily. "Fine, try whatever you want. Just don't get in trouble."

"Oh, I will. I'll just have to get out of it."

"Jesus..."

"I'm not Jesus, I'm Red." N bursts out laughing. That's honestly the funniest thing he's heard in a long time. 

"N, don't encourage bad jokes!"

"They're funny jokes, though!" N laughs. Red is grinning. 

"Just don't worry about it, Touya. You should be able to work something out."

"I hope so..."

"I'll fight them if they give you trouble."

"Red!"

"They really can't stop me."

"You can't - "

"I'm the World Champion."

"That doesn't mean you're immune to the law!"

"Can their laws stop me and my unstoppable Pikachu? Absolutely not."

"Come on, man..."

For being so quiet, Red is actually pretty punchy when he gets on a roll. 

They continue down the mountain in relative quiet again. Truly, silence is so loud. N doesn't expect people to always be talking, no, but... Well, he's anxious again. His mind is starting to race between all the worst-case scenarios, all ending in being arrested and taken away from Touya, locked away from civilization just like he were a kid again, having Reshiram taken into confinement and left in the wrong hands... No, no, no, he can't do this. What are the chances the police are actually going to work in his favor? Touya will work in his favor; Touya has, in fact. He can't speak over an entire police force, though. N is going to get in trouble, he's going to get hurt for doing something horribly wrong, he's going to take the blame for everything he's done, he should have stopped Ghetsis when he had a chance, he should have noticed what was wrong sooner, he should have come back and dismantled Neo Plasma himself, he should have just faced his fate sooner, _he should have learned how to be human -_

He bolts.

N hears Touya shout and run after him, he hears Red's footsteps follow suit, his ankle aches against the sudden exertion, but he doesn't even consider slowing down. This is bad, this is bad, he's doing something wrong _again_ but he doesn't want to face what he's already done. If he just disappears again, he won't have to -

Being tackled to the ground hurts.

"N, what the hell are you doing?!" Touya shouts, frantic and angry and hurt and angry angry _angry -_

"I'm not gonna do this!"

"What _else_ are you going to do?!"

"I'm leaving!" He tries to get up, but Touya is pushing him harder into the ground _ow ow ow -_

"No you're not! You are _not_ running away again!"

"Why do you trust them?! Why do you think _anyone_ _else_ wants to help me?!"

"Red helped you, didn't he?"

"He didn't know me! He only knew what you told him!" N manages to shove Touya off and onto the dirt. "I don't think you realize the gravity of the situation!"

"Then _pray tell me_ what the gravity of this situation is, N!"

"You can't really trust humans, you know," and N's voice is wavering. "They're prone to lying. They're prone to manipulating people. Don't you realize how dishonest people are, Touya?!" The air turns heavy. He hears Red dash off, thankfully, because this is getting too messy. "Pokémon don't lie; they barely have the capacity to lie. Humans can make up whatever story they want with whatever facts they have. They take the truth and twist it to fit their own ideals, and the ideals of those who hunted Team Plasma want the truth to be my guilt!"

"News flash, N, I've been telling them for _years_ that that's not the case, and you know what? They've been listening to me!" Touya's voice is getting hoarse. "They're not trying to prove anyone guilty of anything they didn't do, N! That's corrupted!"

"Tsk. it wouldn't be the first time there was a scandal."

"If there was going to be a scandal here, I would have caught it by now!"

"How do you know they're not manipulating you?!"

"Stop projecting on me and just _listen_ to me, N!"

N's breathing is ragged, which he only notices in this lull. His vision is blurring.

"I explained everything already, but I'm going to tell you this again," Touya sighs, deeply irritated. "There's a difference between Plasma and Neo Plasma. Our goal is to clearly define that difference and punish the people who _need_ to be punished. I am _not_ being manipulated. I am trying my hardest to help. _Neo_ Plasma was trouble. The rest of you are _victims_ of a damn _cult_."

Cult. That's a heavy word.

"You were just a pawn at the front of it all, wearing your paper crown Ghetsis made you. You're no worse than I am in this equation; you are _innocent,_ N. You are."

N hangs his head and sobs. He wants to believe that. He hears Touya inch closer. 

"I'm not turning you in to get arrested, N. I promise that's not what I want."

"That's going to happen, though." He almost feels like he's freezing over.

"None of the other grunts got arrested when they cooperated with us. They were working with us to show us the line between Plasma's ideals and the truth Ghetsis was hiding." No answer. "If you work with us, you'll be pardoned. I _promise_ I'll keep you safe."

N grips the dirt. His thoughts are racing so fast that his mind is blank.

"Look at me."

Weakly, he manages to lift his head. 

"I won't let anything bad happen to you, okay?"

"You can't promise that."

Pause. "I know, but I'm gonna do my best. I care about you more than anyone, Natural. Honest."

N drops his head with another sob. His grip weakens and he feels limp. His head is resting on Touya's shoulder, now.

"I need you to trust me, okay?" Touya's voice is smooth again, soft. "I know it's hard, but if you could even try to do your best... that's all I can ask of you."

"I'm scared." N's not initially sure if he said that out loud or not.

"I know you're scared. I'll be right here, okay?" No answer. "You promised you wouldn't leave me again, right? I won't leave you, either, Natural. I care about you too much."

N pulls away and looks at him. Touya looks tired.

"Why do you bother with me?"

Now he looks confused. "What do you mean?"

"I mean... I don't understand," then N looks away. "I left you for years. You act like we've been together all this time."

"I guess... I feel like..." He can't form a thought, though.

"I have caused you so much trouble, a-and you're still... here." He swallows back another sob. "And I don't understand it. You could be spending time with anyone else in the world, and anyone else in the world would be so much easier to deal with than I am. You're trying to redeem someone who's irredeemable, Touya! Why would... Why?"

"Natural, if I wanted to be with anyone else, I'd be with them right now. I don't stick around for people I don't care about."

N throws himself onto Touya and into a tight hug. He doesn't fall back on the ground this time. 

"Why do you think you're irredeemable, N?"

N almost burrows into the crook of Touya's neck. "Force of habit."

"Habit?"

Pause. "Ghetsis."

"Mm." That seems to explain it. "You know he's lying."

N sighs. "I want to believe that. I really do."

"You will eventually. Just be persistent about it, okay?"

He's... He's never really tried to _not_ blame himself for things. "This is just how it is."

"It doesn't have to be, now, does it?"

"I... suppose not." He hugs Touya a little tighter. "I still... I don't... I don't know. I don't know how long this will take."

"Unlearning everything he's told you won't happen overnight, but it'll happen, trust me." Touya is rocking N, now. "I spent a lot of time trying to work through my anxiety, you know. You remember how jumpy I was when we met, right?"

"You looked like you were gonna faint."

"And now I've been talking to people almost every day just trying to find you, N. I oughta thank you, but I never want you to run off like that again."

N laughs softly. "I don't think you'll let me even if I tried."

"Oh, I wouldn't." He laughs a little more. "I just want you to really promise me you won't. I know you already promised, but you just tried to run away again."

Oh.

Oh that's cruel.

"I'm sorry." He can't keep his voice functional right now.

"That's okay. Just don't do it again, okay?" N finally pulls away to look at his brown eyes again. "I'll stay with you if you stay with me, got it?"

"Right," he nods.

"Let's go catch up with Red and find a hospital then, okay?" Touya tries to stand, but N stays down. "N?"

He doesn't move.

"N, come on..."

He puts his head in his hands. He's still very much not convinced that this will end well. Touya is a calm presence, a comforting one, but... but he's just that. Is Touya really influential enough to convince the world to pardon him? What's going to happen to Reshiram if N is taken away? What's going to happen to Touya? If this goes wrong, the weight of that mistake is on him, all on him for having believed that he would be welcomed back to Unova with open arms. Will Touya have to see N's arrest? Will he ever be let back out if he's taken? Will he be executed?

If he's killed, can Touya live with that guilt?

"Natural."

N forces himself to look at Touya. Why is he crying, too?

"How can I help you feel safer?" N shrugs - ow, shoot, that's still painful.

"I don't know."

Touya looks at the ground, searching in the grass for a solution, and N buries his face in his hands again. He hates being like this. He hates being a burden. He's always been a weight that no one, not even his own father, wants to carry, and he fears that one day he'll become heavier than Touya will want to deal with. When that day comes - 

"Here."

N looks up slowly. Touya is holding out a pokéball. What in the world...?

"Samurott is in here. You can bring him in with you to the interview if you want." He's careful not to say _interrogation,_ which is appreciated.

Still, N hesitates. "This... this is your starter, though."

"I know." Pause. "Trade me for Reshiram. I know you're worried about it, so I'll keep it in my party for now."

"You're trusting me with your first Pokémon? Are you sure?"

"Of course. Samurott loves you, you know. He'd always rush off to see you whenever you showed up." 

"You... You're absolutely certain?" N's vision is blurring again. He's going to be awfully dehydrated by the time they get to a hospital.

"Absolutely, positively certain. Samurott is a registered therapy Pokémon, you know," Touya adds, "so they can't exactly kick him out of the room." 

N's heart feels a little lighter. "You have no idea how much this means to me, Touya."

"Well, I want to do whatever I can to make you need to feel better," he grins, still looking tired, but more settled. "Come on. You keep wincing any time you move your arm."

"It could be worse," N insists. Touya clicks his tongue. 

"It's gonna be if you keep stalling." He helps N off the forest floor. "Red should be up ahead. I'm glad I got to be alone with you for a little bit, though. I-I mean, t-to help you feel better," Touya adds quickly. "I-I didn't mean for that to sound, um, I mean..."

"I know what you mean."

"R-Right. Good."

Pause. N slips Samurott's pokéball into his pocket and holds out Reshiram's ultra ball to Touya. The brunette clips it into his belt.

"Are you ready, N?"

N takes his hand. Touya grips it tight.

"As ready as I can be."

The pressure on N's hand is more comforting than he could ever imagine.

 

* * *

 

 

_Green,_

_Got them to the hospital. N's arm is gonna be in a sling for a few days to a week. They healed his head injury with a Mega Audino's extended Heal Pulse. Modern medicine never fails to amaze me. I thought you were researching some of that stuff too._

_N kinda melted down partway down. Touya went to talk to him alone. I overheard a little bit. "I care about you too much" and "I won't let anything bad happen to you, okay?" and "If I wanted to be with anyone else, I'd be with them right now." Most of it was too muffled for me to hear. Wasn't even trying to eavesdrop, really._

_"If I wanted to be with anyone else, I'd be with them right now." That kinda hit me weird._

_I keep thinking about you. I wanna be with you again. We can't be kids again, but I still wanna see you. Wanna pretend sometimes._ ~~ _Wanna hug you and_ ~~ _Wanna go explore and stuff. Just wanna be around you. You know sometimes you wouldn't even be talking to me, but just being near you is nice. You have this energy. These two are generally lower energy, kinda really emotional but still calm in a way. Not really like you._

_I don't know why I'm waiting up for them when I just want to be with you._

_And I don't dislike them, they're both perfectly good people. I think it's just not the best decision to make right now. I wanna see you._

_This sounds desperate. It kinda is._

_I don't want you to be mad at me for being gone for so long. You were_ _ furious _ _last time. You chewed me out for like an hour. Wouldn't blame you if you did that again though._

_You're still my best friend. I don't talk to visitors much, but occasionally I do, and occasionally they ask about you. That's the most I talk. Touya ranted about N for awhile when I first met him and asked if I knew what losing someone for that long was like._

_"No. I've been on the other side of that."_

_"I bet your friend misses you."_

_"I bet I miss him more."_

_I bet I do._

_I'm sending this too soon after the other and I don't think you'll get a chance to respond. Just keep all this in mind and answer in person if you want. I don't care either way, but I'll be offended if you don't mention it._

_Don't wait up for me. I'll come find you._

_\- Red_

_(ps; do you know how to register a therapy Pokémon? Lemme know when I get down there.)_

_(pss; I wasn't joking about the pancakes. Please. I only know how to cook stir fry and teriyaki and I desperately want breakfast.)_

~~ _(psss; I_ ~~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's 3am and my eyes aren't focusing well so hopefully i got any typos outta here!!!! more hurt/comfort for the soul, and another impulsively written letter from Red to Green  
> "but how do they get to Green?" Red sends them on Pidgeys and just kinda hopes they know where they're going. they always do somehow


	9. working, working, trying not to think

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some days of recovery pass before anyone interviews N about Team Plasma. Green is struggling to keep his focus where it needs to be.

DATE: APRIL 27, [RECACTED], 19:08

INTERVIEWER: ALDER [REDACTED]

INTERVIEWEE: "N" HARMONIA

OVERSEER(S): LANCE [REDACTED], TOUYA [REDACTED], GREEN OAK

TRANSCRIPT: GREEN OAK

NOTES: Therapy Pokémon SAMUROTT present for the duration of the interview.

BEGIN LOG

(The setting is a brightly lit hospital room. Alder [REDACTED] sits beside the midsection of the hospital bed of "N" Harmonia. N's right arm is currently in a sling. To the right side of the bed is a window. By the head of the bed, at N's right, is the Samurott belonging to Touya [REDACTED], Unova League Champion.)

Alder: Begin log, April 27, [REDACTED], 7:08 pm. Located at Mount Silver Rescue Center, Kanto-Johto Territory. Can you please state your name and your affiliations, current or past?

N: (no answer)

Alder: (tapping the desk several times) Hey, come on. Speak up.

N: ...My name is N Harmonia. (pause) I was previously affiliated with Team Plasma until three years ago.

Alder: Can you briefly explain your position in Team Plasma?

N: King. That's all.

Alder: What does it mean to be a "king," in this case?

N: (glaring) It means I was meant to be a king. A hero.

Alder: N, I need you to explain yourself more thoroughly. I don't understand to what extent you were involved in Team Plasma.

N: (harshly) Of course you do. You were the one who tried and failed to stop me.

Alder: (He sets down the notebook he had been holding and leans his arms on his thighs.) N, I understand you're frustrated, and maybe even scared, but the more you cooperate here, the easier this will be, and the sooner I'll get a move-on. If you're going to -

N: I'm not particularly interested in someone who was so condescending to me in all our prior interactions.

Alder: You weren't particularly kind, either. The best thing we can do in times like these is forgive and forget. You could at least forgive for a moment or two.

N: (quiet)

Alder: ...Would you please explain your role in Team Plasma?

N: (He spends a moment stroking Samurott's fur.) Admittedly, I didn't have as much of a role as I like to think I had.

Alder: Can you elaborate?

N: If you would stop interrupting me. (Pause) I'm sorry. I don't feel very comfortable and I don't want to talk about this.

Alder: Take as much time as you need. If you'd like, I can let you speak freely before I ask anything else.

N: (He remains quiet for a few minutes.) I would think it makes sense not to give your child very many responsibilities, even if you intend to use them as a pawn later in life. I was given my name, Pokémon with their hearts locked so deeply away that I couldn't speak to them, all the knowledge a king needs, and a room to live in. I don't remember very much else. I don't really know how I got there.

(The Samurott makes a low grumbling sound. N begins to pet him again.)

N: I had asked Touya about the matter. He said it has something to do with traumatic something or other. I thought I had done something as a child. I thought I had made irredeemable mistakes in my youth. At present, I couldn't tell you if I did or if it was all imagined. You would have to ask my sisters.

Alder: Can I ask who your sisters are?

N: Anthea and Concordia, respectively.

Alder: And their last names?

N: ...I'm not sure. I would assume "Harmonia," but...

Alder: I see. Go on, then.

N: (He's quiet for a few minutes.) Zoroark was the first one to speak to me. He became a close companion of mine for a very long time. I released him three years ago. I'm not sure where he is now. I wasn't allowed to show him to the other members of Team Plasma, though. Ghetsis feared that I had "tainted" him (he says this with air quotes), and demanded that I keep him a secret by any means possible. We did get along well, though. I think that should have been a sign.

Alder: A sign?

N: That people and Pokémon shouldn't be separated. (pause) I had wanted a world where Pokémon could live freely, liberated of their trainers, but... (scoffing, with a bitter smile) You know how that ended. I was wrong, of course. I just didn't think about it for the longest time. I kept up the facade that I was still fully, unwaveringly convinced that Pokémon and people needed to be separated, and so the underlings of Team Plasma followed my lead. It was because of those Pokémon I had as a child. Their hearts were shut tight, and their scars... I was sure it was the same everywhere. That was all I knew of Pokémon's relationship with people. Abuse and heartache. There's an analogy there, I suppose.

(He falls silent for a few minutes. He begins to speak and pet Samurott again, who appears to be dozing.)

N: And then I met Touya, and then I realized that people are, for the most part, generally kind to their Pokémon, and then my truth fell apart. (shakes head) But I suppose that's not what you asked. My actions in Team Plasma largely took place before we publicly began our plans. I spent much of my time studying Pokémon biology and learning how to tend to the needs and injuries of Pokémon. There were several instances where I held large sermons detailing this information, as well as lectures on my ideals and hopes for Team Plasma; save Pokémon, stop their abuse at the hands of people, find the legendary Reshiram and become the new hero of the Unova region.

Alder: When did Reshiram become part of the plan?

N: Oh, it had been part of the plan from the start. Ghetsis had intended to use Reshiram's power to take over the region. He didn't count on Touya keeping Zekrom, nor did he intend my disappearance. (pause) I suppose my departure was an escape from him, in a way.

Alder: Why do you say you "escaped" him?

N: Because he was a cruel man. Unpredictable, at best, and demonic at worst. I sustained several severe injuries as a child.

Alder: I'm sorry that happened to you.

N: (shakes head) Let's not talk about my childhood anymore.

Alder: That's fine. Can you describe his behavior towards the other members of Team Plasma?

N: Erratic. Even among the other Sages, he was prone to bursts of violence. He had been... tolerant of the Shadow Triad, I suppose. They were so obedient that he never had a reason to lash out at them. He often shouted at everyone, though. My sisters were the only occasional exception. To some of the grunts, he would become physically aggressive.

Alder: How did you behave toward the other members?

N: (grimaces) I hate to admit it, but I was rather disrespectful to the Sages. They weren't especially cruel, but I would find myself becoming irate some days, and I would talk to them in a manner not too dissimilar to how he would. I would excuse myself when I noticed this. I didn't want to sound like him. I still don't.

Alder: For what it's worth, N, you don't sound a thing like Ghetsis.

N: (smiles) That's more comforting than you know.

Alder: I'm glad to hear that.

N: (overlapping the tail end of Alder's comment) I did befriend some of the grunts, actually. There was a portion of them who felt I was too soft, or perhaps they simply didn't see my truth as a viable future to the world. Even of the ones who didn't believe our plans would work - and they would never say it to anyone but each other - we were generally and mutually respectful. Their doubt was a back corridor gossip kind of thing, when they would whisper to each other en route to wherever their next job in the castle was, and sometimes I would hear them say something like, "Oh, people and Pokémon can't be separated forever, that's ridiculous, it'll never work," and it was often followed up by the same person with something like, "Oh, but I want to help Pokémon who are being abused, they're every bit as deserving of respect as we are, I'm glad N is trying to help Pokémon to live freely and without harm," and it's only as of recent that I realize that Pokémon battles are actually healthy for Pokémon. It keeps them developing healthily. If not in trainer-controlled battles, Pokémon would fight each other in the wild, after all. When properly cared for, captive Pokémon can live about as good a life as feral ones.

Alder: (hesitates) I'm kind of losing you here, N.

N: The Team Plasma grunts, at the time I was around, were split half between wanting to just start trouble and wanting to help Pokémon who have been hurt or abandonded, and I befriended the latter group. I suppose that's the point here.

Alder: Alright, I understand now.

N: One of them was called Lucy, if I remember correctly. She always brought me these strange new fruity drinks she would concoct with a Petilil she owned. She would offer them to me, and we would drink and talk, and she would muse about "Oh, I wish I didn't need to let my little Lilly go when all's said and done, oh please, can I keep her?" It always hurt me to tell her she couldn't. (pause) I suppose this was a sign that it wasn't meant to be.

(Samurott growls sleepily, and N pets him again.)

Alder: What sort of moral alignment would you consider those members of Team Plasma, then?

N: Of those kinds of members? Various sorts of good people. Some of them were more chaotic than others, some dedicated to us and all our guidelines. The rest were... hungry. They wanted all of Unova. (He clicks his tongue) Seems like an underwhelming dream to me.

Alder: (surprised) Underwhelming?

N: It's selfish. If your dream does no one any good but yourself, I don't think it's a dream worth chasing. (shakes head) I was selfish too, at one time. At least I knew - I thought my plans would benefit Pokémon over myself or anyone else. It was a very misled set of actions, yes, but the thought was there, the thought was idealistic, but the truth of the matter is that I messed up. I left because I didn't want to face the aftermath of my mistakes.

(The lighting shifts from artificial white to orange as the sun sets.)

Alder: Do you mean to say you think what you did was wrong, or right?

N: Well, wrong. The wrong actions were taken for the right ideals. It was never "separate people from their Pokémon to make everyone sad," or "start a nonprofit charity to help abused Pokémon." It wasn't all white nor black, you see. It was a warm dream frozen over with some very unwise decisions. (sighs) Even that dream was all a farce to Ghetsis. It was a ploy to get me to play along, and in the back of my mind, I always knew that. I just...

(He stops petting Samurott and runs his hand through his hair. He spins one of the hoops on his necklace.)

I just thought if... If maybe I was successful, that could be the end of it, and maybe he would get bored or discouraged and just leave me alone. I thought maybe he would leave, but he didn't, and everyone was hurt, and I, (voice wavering) I should have said something when I had the chance, but the last time I tried to I got hurt.

(Samurott nudges N's face.)

N: I'm sorry. I need a moment.

Alder: Of course. Continue whenever you want.

(N sits for about five minutes in silence.)

N: I can't do this right now. If you're able to take a brief break, I'd like to gather my thoughts before we continue this conversation.

Alder: I understand. Do you want anything in the meantime?

N: ...I want to see Touya, if only briefly.

Alder: One moment, then. 

Touya is already on his feet, but Alder holds his hand out, motioning for him to wait.

"What am I waiting for?" Touya asks impatiently.

"Well," Alder starts, "I'm not sure if you can just go in there. We already have him on a roll here, and if we interrupt that flow - "

"If he doesn't see me, he might just stop talking," Touya counters, "o-or he'll get scared and clam up. He just wants to see me for a few minutes." Oh, that's so, so familiar.

"You've _been_ seeing him. You're watching the monitor, aren't you?"

"Alder, look, I appreciate your dad joke, but I can't really do this right now."

He gives Touya an apologetic grin. "Sorry. Fore of habit. Really, though, I don't know if it's okay. Can he...?"

"Not on my watch. We can't have any risk of tampering with the suspect." The man who says this is someone Touya was introduced to on his first venture up Mount Silver, a man named Lance. He's gruff, curt, and somewhat extravagantly dressed. That's not surprising for a dragon-type specialist, in all honesty. Police work is often part of a Pokémon League member's job description in the Johto-Kanto area, specifically. Hence, Lance is here, and Touya is being held back by this man now.

This stubbornness is something Green is well acquainted with. He gets the sense Touya isn't familiar with Lance's personality type, though.

"What do you mean by tampering, exactly?" Touya asks.

Lance leans back in his chair, arms crossed. "Do you know how easy it is to sneak in there and throw some information at someone and make up your own story? You could easily tell him to tell us what we want to hear, and that ruins the point of bringing him in. If we wanted your take, we'd ask you."

"But..." Touya trails off. Green feels bad for the Unova trainer, but he's not sure if he should butt in yet. Maybe Lance will take it easy on him, but...

"Let's assume we _do_ let Touya in and something _does_ go wrong. Just how _wrong_ can anything go, here?" Fuck it, he's gonna help this kid out. If that were Red in there, he'd want someone to do the same for him.

Green leans back in his chair, staring daggers at Lance. No, he doesn't necessarily _mean_ to dislike Lance, but the man is sometimes so gruff and so lacking in empathy that it makes working with him pretty difficult. It doesn't help that he flaunts his status as a champion over Green's head all the time. Green can and does still kick his ass as much as he wants.

"What do you mean by that?" Lance barks. "If Touya compromises our investigation, we're back at square one."

"Are we, though? 'cause we still have literally _everyone else's_ testimony," Green retorts. "We don't even have Ghetsis's testimony yet, because none of y'all can actually _find_ the ass and get him in for interrogating."

"We do need N's testimony to be completely unswayed, Green." Of course Lance just disregards what he just said. Of course.

"I won't even say anything," Touya insists.

"Still too many variables." For fuck's sake, Lance - 

"What fucking variables?" Green nearly snaps.

"We've had cases where people would go in for a hug and pass off some kind of script for the interviewee to read off," Lance explains coldly. "Some instances involved morse code, keywords, even slipping them a pokéball and having them release a dragon in the room to escape. Surely, you know of this, Green. We're not risking anything today."

"You can check my pockets, I-I'm pretty much empty handed," Touya replies.

"We're not breaking protocol." His voice is cold. Green sighs and puts his head in his hand.

"Listen, Lance," and this is his last ditch effort before he just challenges him to a battle, honestly. "Remember when everyone was asking Red about Team Rocket? Y'know how he literally wouldn't answer you? You know who went in there? Me," emphasis on that, " _I_ was the one who went in there and got him to talk, and I'm his best friend. Y'all weren't worried about protocol or variables when I was there, and y'know what? I'd argue having two eleven year olds in an interrogation room has _way_ more variables than two grown-ass adults who've been missing each other and trying to reconnect for three years!"

"Okay, okay, fine!" Lance shouts over the end of Green's explanation. "You have ten minutes, Touya, then we're getting back to work."

Green flashes a smile at Touya, who looks a bit uncomfortable with all the yelling. "Go ahead. I'm givin' you fifteen."

"R-Right, thank you!" He still looks a bit baffled, but he's not about to look this gift horse in the mouth. Lance glares at Green.

"Do you always have to overcomplicate matters?"

"Hey, I bet it'd be worse if Alder went back in there and told N he can't see Touya." Green leans back in his chair.

"It would be worse for Touya, too," Alder adds. "He cares a lot about N, Lance. The boy's been missing from Unova for years trying to find him."

Lance sits pensively, quiet for a moment, before looking at Green. "Did you ever find Red?"

Green shivers a bit, because he doesn't want to think about that right now. "Yeah."

"Was he actually on Mount Silver?"

"Yeah." Pause. "He's just been living up there, basically."

Lance grimaces. "The boy's gonna get himself killed up there. That's an awful climate to be in."

"You're telling me," Green sighs. "The windchill at the summit today was apparently -40 Celsius - or Fahrenheit, actually. I think that conversion actually matches up."

"Yeesh," Alder shivers just hearing about that weather. "The worst we get is -10 Fahrenheit on Reversal Mountain."

"That's a nice day for Mount Silver. Those were the days I'd aim to visit Red."

Lance looks curiously at Green. "You haven't visited him recently?"

"Nah." His stomach hurts. "I'm gonna go grab a drink. Call me back when y'all are ready to keep rolling."

Green sighs heavily only when he's out of earshot of the two. He's going to have to go back over those letters Red sent before he sees him again. His heavy heart isn't about seeing Red again, per say. It's more about Green's last in-person interaction with him. They ended on a bit of a bad note, with the usual _why are you staying up here_ and _I don't wanna come down_ argument. Apologizing via letter seems like a good idea until you realize that's your only option, because winter rolled in and you can't actually talk to your friend in person until the season ends. Now it's the next year's spring, and the last of the awful storms keeping every living thing off the mountain's exterior are coming to an end. Maybe the storm looming over the two of them will clear up too.

Green desperately hopes that's the case, and given the content of Red's recent letters, he's willing to get his hopes up.

It's a hope that's been haunting him for years, now. Red had run away for reasons he never fully explained; _I'm scared_ is the clearest answer Green ever got out of him. Scared of what, though, Green can't exactly say. Something about Team Rocket, responsibility, publicity and some incoherent rambling about Cinnabar. Red isn't a coward by any means, no, but when he does experience fear, it's debilitating, debilitating to the point of _I'm going to live on a mountain for the remainder of my childhood and adolescence and probably my whole life at this rate._

Green has been sending birthday cards up there every year, hand written with some small, meaningful gifts attached. It's not the same as having a proper party.

Green sighs and runs his hand through his hair. Seeing N and Touya reuniting is kind of heartbreaking for Green. No, he's _incredibly_ happy for them, that's not the issue here. The issue is that he wants that, too, and it doesn't seem to be on its way. Red _did_ say he would come back down, two weeks from the last message sent, but it's almost _been_ two weeks, and Green isn't one to keep his hopes up. He's not a pessimist, but he generally knows a lost cause when he sees it.

That's why he stopped visiting Red and started drowning himself in any kind of work, from the Plasma case to his own Pokémon research. The more work he has to keep his mind off Red, the better.

"Green?" Oh, it's Alder. "Are you alright?"

"Yeah, just a little wiped out," Green answers, and he's not really lying. "I've been up since five in the morning."

"Sheesh, you oughta get more sleep."

He shrugs, shrugs off the worry and blurry memories of uncomfortable dreams. "Eh. I'll sleep when I'm dead."

Alder laughs a bit. "Well, you're not wrong, but you need to take care of yourself. Even if you don't care, there's always someone that does."

 _Yeah, and that someone's been hiding on top of this mountain for eight years._ He doesn't say that, of course. "I know. I'll be alright, promise."

Alder joins Green's side at the water cooler. "If you're sure. One of the younger champions from Unova always takes care of her two friends, now that I think about it. I think Rosa's the only responsible one out of the three."

"You always need at least one mom friend, huh?"

"As far as I'm concerned. You have a handful with those Johto kids you were telling me about, from the sound of it."

Green stretches a bit. "Yeah, Silver's decent, but Ethan is a handful, and Lyra is the face of chaos. She's even worse with that Marill. You wouldn't think a water mouse could be that bad, but trust me, that thing is a nightmare. It has the heart of a Gyarados."

"You know, I'm starting to think you're overreacting."

"You met the kids a while back, didn't you? You wanna go babysit them?"

"Oh, god, no," Alder groans, and Green laughs. "They almost broke a window, and I only saw them for ten minutes."

"I try to keep them outside when the weather's nice." Pause. "God, it's like I'm talking about a pack of Zigzagoon."

"I guess you attract your opposites, then - though Ethan is similar to you, you know," Alder adds, "with how headstrong he can be."

Green scoffs. "Ethan's not like me. He's more like ten year old me."

Ten year old Green, two years before Red left and refused to come back. He sighs a bit louder.

"Well, I think it's kind of you to watch over them. They need a more responsible friend like you."

So does Red, Mr. _I don't remember if I ate today_ and _I ran out of bandages so I put these leaves on my scrapes instead._

"...you alright, Green?"

"Yeah. Tired." Pensive and longing. "Let's head back."

"You gave Touya fifteen minutes, right?"

"Yeah, but I wanna sit down." He doesn't want to think about Red anymore. He wants to think about anything else.

Still, Green can't keep his mind off how frantically Red wrote the words _I'm coming down soon._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> also known as "Green avoids his emotions by overworking himself but still gets emotional anyway so no one is really winning here"  
>  ~~also featuring my headcanon that N's planet-y necklace is kinda like one of those fidget necklaces where the rings on it spin and he plays with it when he's nervous~~


	10. waiting and waiting but never quite ready

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The pieces of the puzzle of Team Plasma are slowly but surely coming together. The puzzle pieces of Green's friendship with Red have been thrown violently at his back.

It's pouring outside.

Green runs his hand through his hair for the umpteenth time in the past hour, a nervous habit he doubts he'll ever outgrow. He's not actually reviewing N's testimony, no, he passed that off to Lance awhile ago. He's done his part for the day, and it's too late for him to be focusing on something that requires being fully alert and focused, anyway. His eyes are straining to even see what he's reading, though, getting dry and red from transcribing pages of text and watching surveillance screens for hours on end. His head is aching from hours of work and the rain outside. He would ordinarily be sleeping it all off by now.

He couldn't sleep if he got smacked in the head with a shovel tonight.

It's about a few letters that have found their way down to him, tied to the feet of a few Pidgey over the past two weeks or so. It's the most mail he's gotten from his friend in... in forever, actually. Ever since he went to live on that god-forsaken mountain, he's been incredibly difficult to get a hold of, and even absent when he was finally found. Even in the days where their correspondences were the most frequent, he would get maybe one letter a week, if not one every two weeks. Understandable for someone living on a mountain plagued by blizzards, honestly, but he could definitely have written more frequently, as evidenced by this recent string of letters.

_I'm so sorry. I miss you too. I'm coming down soon._

This was Red's first letter in well over a year.

So simple, yet so vague. It's impossible for Green to read the atmosphere through just a few lines of text. He's great with talking to people and feeling out the mood, but in written script, it's a tougher gamble, and with the content at hand, Green might be misinterpreting it wildly based on his own hopes and fears.

[what do you think?] Green types out an instant message to Crystal, who's researching egg development back in New Bark at the moment. She's a wonderful confidant, really. He's actually probably told her too much over the years, enough that she could ruin his career in an instant. Other than that lingering terror, she's anything but intimidating.

{Well, he did come back down, so there's that, right?}

[he said he's gonna. i dunno where he is yet.]

_I realized I've been ignoring how much I miss you,_ and _I'm gonna come down. And I'm gonna visit you,_ and quite simply, _I miss you._ Those are the lines that hit Green in the heart. 

Yes, Red definitely seems to be en route - rather, he should already be here, right? He should have been around here somewhere, but the two Unovans he escorted to safety are here, and Red is nowhere to be found. Granted, they've been here for some days, as to let N rest off his injuries and calm his nerves before they bombarded him with questions. In the time it took for them to start the interview, Red could have just... left.

That would be the absolute worst, if he's getting his hopes up for someone who already decided his time here was up. Green has been doing everything in his power to focus on the investigation into N and Team Plasma, but it's been difficult with his best friend lingering in the back of his mind. That might be partially why he was so adamant about letting Touya visit N for that brief intermission. Green would've wanted the same if Red had said _I want to see Green_ with his arm in a sling, laying in a hospital bed.

[then there was this crossed out bit too.  "By the way, I really care about you. I don't think I've told you that enough, but I do." like why would he cross that out?] That's also perplexing to him, as if Red didn't want to say it - or maybe he wanted to, and decided against it after the fact.

{You know how he is. He might've gotten shy about that bit.} Crystal has a point, but...  

[i mean friends just care about each other though y'know it's not a huge deal]

{I think it's more intense than that.}

Green is left at a dead-end for that line, as far as he's concerned, because he's not sure what Crystal is getting at. Maybe he'll ask Red about it in person, since that was one of his requests anyway.  _Just keep all this in mind and answer in person if you want._ Red says he won't care either way, but if Red mentions even a slight want for something, there's always wholehearted desire there. That's one of the many beauties about him; if Red wants something, he want it with all his heart and soul, and he'll stop at nothing to reach it.

_I keep thinking about you. I wanna be with you again,_ and _just being near you is nice. You have this energy,_ and quite simply, _I wanna see you._

_This sounds desperate. It kinda is._

God, he can empathize with that. Green could describe his most recent letter to Red as nothing short of _really desperate,_ and he's glad to see the feeling seems to be mutual. 

[but yknow its all words on paper. idk.]

{Green, this is pretty explicit.}

[wdym]

{I mean this is an obvious "I want to see you right now" chain of letters. Why are you doubting that?} Again, she has a point, but he's almost paranoid. There's a chance Red never forgave him, and he's worried about his first meeting with Red in years to _again_ be filled with arguing. He's sick of fighting. He just wants to prove that Red is still, and will always be, his best friend. 

[idk bc he's Red], is what Green chooses to answer with. [sometimes he's like... kinda absent y'know.]

{I know him about as well as you do, and I know he literally _couldn't_ fake three letters with this kind of content in such a short amount of time. When he doesn't want to be around someone, he will do everything to avoid them. If he wanted to avoid you, he wouldn't pull something like this.} Okay, fair point.

[then where is he now]

{He's around somewhere.}

[unless he like left already]

{He didn't leave...}

[yeah but we're still at a hospital like _on_ mt. silver. he can run off whenever he wants]

{Yes, but he didn't run off yet.}

Green sighs heavily. Crystal is trying to keep him optimistic, he's sure, but that's not really helping his situation. 

_Don't wait up for me. I'll come find you._

So where the hell is he?

"You're still up?"

Green turns to look at Lance, who is also still up. "Yeah. What're you doin' up this late?"

"I should be asking you. You look exhausted."

"Well, you don't look much better." He closes the letters into his laptop. This is a private matter. 

"I'm sure. I need you to take a glance at this, if you don't mind."

Oh, come on. "'course. What is it?"

Lance hands over two excerpts of two separate interviews. "I've made my assessment, but I want you to tell me what you make of these two bits of testimony."

It's way too late for this, but Green is a workaholic, and honestly, he's still lucid enough to do one last bit of analysis for the day (or is it the first bit of the day? The wee hours of the morning are a nebulous time). Since he met Touya, this became just a bit less of a case of Team Plasma, and just a bit more of a personal endeavor, a story of a loyal friend looking for his runaway friend, and trying to mend the ground between them so maybe, just maybe, they can reach some sort of solace. Touya is in the same boat as Green is; _I missed you_ and _it's been too long._

As of now, Green can only say he _misses_ Red. He envies Touya and his past-tense _missed._

He needs to focus on this, though, if he intends to be of any use to the Unovans. The first snippet is from today's interview.

DATE: APRIL 27, XXXX, 19:08 - EXCERPT BEGINS AT 20:21

INTERVIEWER: ALDER [REDACTED]

INTERVIEWEE: "N" HARMONIA

OVERSEER(S): LANCE [REDACTED], TOUYA [REDACTED], GREEN OAK

TRANSCRIPTION: GREEN OAK

NOTES: Therapy Pokémon SAMUROTT present for the duration of the interview.

BEGIN EXCERPT:

Alder: So, you never met this scientist, is what you're saying?

N: [shaking head] No, never. I've spoken to some former members of Team Plasma who met him, though. I guess there was a period of time between my disappearance and the, um, "rebranding" (air-quoted) of Team Plasma wherein some of them left. They told me he was cordial and a bit aloof.

Alder: I see. Did they mention anything else?

N: They did mention briefly some of his interactions with Ghetsis - not to me, though. They mostly talked about it amongst themselves. I had made it clear that I didn't want to hear about Ghetsis, though I did overhear some of those conversations. (Pause) They said he was kind to him.

Alder: Could you clarify who was kind to whom?

N: Ghetsis was kind to the scientist. With what I've already told you, I think you can understand how unusual that is.

Alder: Right.

N: (thinking) I think... I don't know what to think. I don't know why this one scientist would have been an exception. I never met him though, and I never heard much of his exploits with Ghetsis after Neo Plasma fell. I was told he disbanded them for good, though. I suppose that's for the best. 

Yes, Green remembers this bit of the conversation, and it is odd that someone as volatile and dangerous as Ghetsis would be nice to someone new. The guy couldn't even be decent to his own kid. Is being a bad parent a requirement for leading a dangerous organization? Giovanni was exactly the same way.

The next excerpt is a particularly interesting testimony from the prior fall.

DATE: SEPTEMBER 03, XXXX, 03:12 - EXCERPT BEGINS AT 04:34

INTERVIEWER: LANCE [REDACTED]

INTERVIEWEE: COLRESS [REDACTED]

OVERSEER(S): GREEN OAK, AGATHA [REDACTED], PROF. SAMUEL OAK

TRANSCRIPTION: GREEN OAK

NOTES: Interviewee warned that he was in a state of sleep deprivation at the time of recording. Any inconsistencies will be denoted by re-evaluation once the condition passes.

BEGIN EXCERPT:

Lance: And your relation with Ghetsis?

Colress: Uncomfortable.

Lance: ...can you clarify that?

Colress: (quiet for a moment) Briefly tell me what your assessment of him is, just based on his behavior towards everyone else.

Lance: I'm asking the questions, here.

Colress: Please.

Lance: ...He was verbally and sometimes physically abusive.

Colress: Correct. And he wasn't at all that way towards me. (pause) I almost wish he was, just so that this wouldn't... so things wouldn't have been so complicated when he was around. I almost relished in being the favorite for a time, but then it got progressively more uncomfortable, and there was no clear way out. (he speaks progressively more slowly and carefully)

Lance: Did he begin abusing you?

Colress: No - well, I... I'm not sure. Physically, no. Psychologically... I don't know what you'd call it. (pauses for a moment) I can't really wrap my head around it, even now.

Lance: Let me offer this; did his behavior towards you improve or worsen over time?

Colress: A bit of both at the same time. He started to scare me more, but he was even nicer to me, up until the end - and that's what scared me. He was furious when he decided I cared more about science than his plans; which is true, if you ever hear him say that. I'll admit I only used him to further my research budget. You fall on hard times, you resort to desperate measures. [See Addendum 75-02]

Lance: You... You did lead Neo Plasma, though.

Colress: I was appointed as an administrator, yes. I was officially known as their leader, but my orders to the grunts came from Ghetsis. It was the research branch I was interested in.

[...]

Lance: How exactly was he kind to you, again?

Colress: (he looks uncomfortable) Praise. He expressed something almost like admiration, even. He never really touched anyone in any benign way, except for me, pats on the back and hands on shoulders. That became... unsettling, in the lightest way of saying it.

Lance: And the heaviest way of saying it?

Colress: Fucking creepy. Look (removes glasses, placing hand over his eyes for a moment), I'm going to be blatantly honest with you; I felt threatened by him. His praise felt like he was about to try and pry something else out of me at any moment. He'd leave his hand on my shoulder for just a second too long. He never _seemed_ like he was manipulating me, but that just made it more suspicious, because I _knew_ he was manipulating everyone around me, and a lot of them didn't realize it until it was too late. He went so far as to practically brainwash his own son. (He looks up.) Do you have any idea how messed up that is? What kind of parent subjects their kid to years of mistreatment like that? If he's capable of doing that shit to his own kid, I didn't want to know what he could do to me, and I didn't want to know why he was being so friendly with me. I was downright _relieved_ when he yelled at me near the end of Neo Plasma. He smacked me across the face, and it hurt like hell, and my first thought was just, "oh thank god, okay, he's not singling me out anymore, this is fine." [Note: Colress wants to note that he apologizes for his profanity here.]

Lance: Was that the first time he physically harmed you?

Colress: Shockingly, yes. And I hate that. I absolutely _resent_ that he was... gentle. It felt so wrong. He's not a kind person, you know.

Lance: I've been told.

Colress: So imagine him coming in here and praising you for being such a successful champion, and offering to fund all your weird side projects and indulge you in dreams that you thought could only ever be flights of fancy. Then watch him walk to the person next to you and call them worthless scum. That's weird. That's weird and it's wrong.

(He leans back in his chair. Colress remains silent for a few minutes.)

Colress: I'll summarize what I know; Ghetsis abused his kid and almost everyone around him. I don't know why he spared me for as long as he did, and I don't _want_ to know. I don't ever want to see him again. If you put him on trial, I'll gladly write hundreds of pages of testimony just to stay the hell out of that court room.

Colress was beyond stressed when they brought him in, but he was at least honest. Green gets the sense he might have tried to argue the "it was just for science" angle more heavily had he not been so shaken by Ghetsis. This man is, somehow, even more of a threat to individual people than to society as a whole, and he tried to use a legendary dragon to freeze a region over. In all the investigations Green was present for, he's never seen anyone have a reaction quite like that, exhausted yet frantic, relieved yet still terrified.

If he finds Ghetsis himself, he'd gladly beat him to a bloody pulp.

"So, what do you want me to say?" Green looks back at Lance.

"Just whatever you think about these excerpts."

"Well, it's two former Plasma members who never met each other, but they're corroborating each other's stories. Colress seems to have seen this unusual side of Ghetsis, and I think we should follow up on that, if he's willing," Green concludes. "Can we get Colress some professional help, or something? I mean, I bet N needs it too, but Colress was totally out of it."

"If he'll accept help, certainly," Lance answers. "I was thinking about that, too, that corroboration. They don't even know each other's names."

"So we're concluding Ghetsis is a monstrosity, yeah?"

"That's the casual way to say it, yes."

"It's four in the morning, cut me some slack," Green huffs.

"What are you even doing up?" Lance questions. "Did you sleep at all?"

"Eh, I took a two hour nap this afternoon."

"That doesn't count."

Green only rolls his eyes and hands the papers back. "Well, my conclusion is that those stories seem to actually match up. If you can drag Zimbo down for some more questioning, that might be good. Ask him a bit more about N and Colress, since those two never met, but he knows 'em both."

Lance looks confused. "You... Do you mean Zinzolin?"

"Yeah, Zigzag, whatever his name is."

"You should know the names of our suspects, Green." He takes the papers.

"Whatever. Just get Zircon down here and see what he has to say. I got stuff to do before I go to bed."

Lance shakes his head. "Go to bed soon, though. I'm heading out, myself."

"Gotcha. See you tomorrow."

Lance leaves on that note. Green checks his messages from Crystal.

{Look, Green, I'm not here to tell you what to do, but just go find him and talk to him, okay? At least go say hi.}

{Green?}

{You'd better not be working on the Plasma case right now. It's late and you have a friend waiting on you.} Whoops.

{"I wanna go in and say hi, but I'm nervous and I'm waiting to see if he'll come out and see me." - direct quote that Red just said to me. I'm not one to share private conversations like that, but you two are being ridiculous! You've been out of touch for so long, and neither one of you wants to step forward because you're both scared of what will happen, is that it?}

{Green, I _know_ you're working on something now, and that's why you're not answering. Stop being a workaholic and talk to your friend.}

{And I don't mean me, I mean Red. He's literally in the hospital where you are right now. I'm literally on a video call with him. I saw Lance walk out of the room behind where he's kinda hiding, and I know you're working with Lance on this.}

{For fuck's sake Green go find your boyfriend already. Do I have to call him your boyfriend to get you to answer me?}

He's glad she can't see him blush through a computer screen. [ghkfdjgf he's not my boyfriend jfc]

Then it hits him.

[WAIT RED IS HERE]

[OUTSIDE THE ROOM LANCE JUST LEFT]

[?????]

{YES. That's what I've been saying this ENTIRE TIME.}

[IDK I THOUGHT U WERE BEING OPTIMISTIC ABT HIM NOT RUNNING OFF]

[WAIT LANCE LEFT THE ROOM _I'M_ IN I - ] _Oh my god oh my god oh my god -_

{No I was being serious you dummy!!! Go out into the hallway and go see him!!!!!!!}

{Go go go!!!!!!!}

Green remains paralyzed for a moment, though. He's not even remotely prepared.

[WTF AM I SUPPOSED TO SAY????]

{I dunno, something like "hi, sorry I yelled at you last time I left you on Mount Silver, but you're my best friend and I missed you." You know, what you keep telling _me_ when you practice what you're gonna tell him?}

[idk is that like.... too cliche or something] He's just stalling at this point. Of course he is; he's scared, really. This could all go so, so wrong.

{Green, who even cares? You haven't seen him in two years, and you haven't even written to each other in over a year. Go out there right now.}

[jhkgfsd god i don't know what to say though]

{I don't care. Get out there and figure it out.}

[wait i need ur input]

Too late. She's logged off. Green feels a dry sickness building in his throat.

He takes a step toward the door.

Then another.

Another.

One more.

He hears a light _tap tap tap_ of footsteps moving outside the door. Red's footsteps.

He opens the door to see a blur of red and white disappear behind a corner.

_Oh, like hell you're getting away from me._

Green may not be able to win a battle against Red very often, but he can sure as hell win a race.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it is 3am and my eyes are also drying out so i think i'm done w editing this one. this is exhibit B of Green trying to drown himself in outside stimuli so he can avoid his emotions.   
> is it working? no. is he trying? he sure as hell is, but then Red is actually _there_ and it is time to see his favorite mountain hermit  
>  also featuring Colress, who does not like Ghetsis and never really has. i actually really liked his character, he was mostly just a chill science boy who canonically never liked trash boy stink man (Ghetsis)


	11. hiding, hiding, please come out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Red is in a complete panic. He's about to just give up on the whole thing.

_No no no no no -_

The door opens, and Red ducks behind the next corner and, as quietly as he can manage, runs to the end of the hallway. He is not prepared for this. He couldn't have possibly been prepared for this. He'd run away from the hospital but it's thundering outside and he's not really eager to take his chances out there.

Footsteps. Red turns the corner again and makes his way down the next hall.

This area of the hospital is just one big loop. Red could quite easily just circle around and around all night until his pursuer gets tired and decides to go to bed. He actually could run off right now. He could write one more letter, either an apology or a rain check or both. He could stand out in the freezing, pouring rain, arms outstretched, and let himself get killed by a well-timed strike of lightning, and that would be that, he wouldn't have to face this, he could just -

Footsteps. He runs again.

He hates this, he hates this, he hates this with all his heart and soul. He hates being afraid, hates feeling paranoid -

Footsteps. Way too fast. He ducks away again and slips into the bathroom. He can barely breathe.

_Are you fucking kidding me? You're seriously going to stay up here? How much longer do you have to give us all hell before you finally come back down? Do you even care about anyone anymore? Do you just hate me, or what?!_

_It has been too fucking long! Do you know how worried I am about you?!_

That was the first argument about Red's isolation they had, two years after he left for the summit. That's what sticks out in his mind, that's what hurt his heart for the first time. The apology letters they exchanged were more of a formality than anything, he fears. An apology is a process; words were said, but no action ever came, and so for years he fears they've been on very thin ice.

Red hears thunder roaring outside. Footsteps. They pass the bathroom without much hesitation.

Red sinks to the floor, shaking, eyes out of focus and heart out of his chest. What in the world is he doing? This is his best friend, right? Why is he so scared of seeing Green again? Is it because of that fight? Is he worried that Green is still mad? Maybe he's worried about the objectively worse outcome; Green may not care at all. He might just be trying to figure out who's running around in the hallways this late at night. By all means, that's a perfectly acceptable thing to worry about. Worrying about intruders makes sense. Worrying about someone who's been stubbornly away from home for eight years makes less sense - or does it make more sense? He can't tell.

Footsteps again. They hesitate this time before moving on.

Red weeps silently into his hands, absolutely overwhelmed with fear at this point. Green has to hate him. Maybe that last letter was just written so that Green could drag Red down and throw him into a river for being so mean, running off for so long. Maybe Green is just trying to say the right thing to make this less awkward. Would it be worse if he still cares? Would it be worse if Red spent years hurting his friend by running and hiding and adamantly _avoiding_ the person he grew up with? Can he even still call Green his best friend? He supposes he can, and he does, but would Green say the same?

_I guess you just don't care anymore...?_ Oh, no, Red cares. He cares very, very deeply, and very, very intensely, so much that it hurts -

_I miss you so much it hurts._

He'll suppose this is mutual, that this is the climax of two friends who have been longing to see each other again. What in the world is he supposed to do when he sees Green, though? What does he say? Will he be able to say anything? Will he even be able to move? No, no, no, this is bad, his lungs are too full and not full enough, he's freezing up and burning and sparking with electricity in his own heart, he's overwhelmed and overflowing and blank and _what do I do what do I do what do I do -_

Footsteps.

Two knocks.

Silence.

Footsteps leading away.

Red leans against the wall and rocks himself, curling his knees up to his chin. What is he supposed to do? He needs to do _something._ He promised he would see Green again, he said he was coming back down, and now that he's here, he has to do _something,_ right? He has to do something - oh, he's going to do something, he's going to run away again or run into Green's arms or, or...

Red whines softly and nearly starts pulling his hair out. This is impossible. Maybe it's the lack of food, and also the lack of sleep. Red is completely frantic and he has no physical reserves to help him get through this. The last time he tried to eat something, he could barely get it down, and the last time he tried to sleep, he could only dream of the worst.

A huge crackle of thunder shakes the room. He half wonders if Zapdos is fighting something out there.

Slowly, painfully slowly, Red pulls himself to his feet. His breathing is irregular, his heart is still racing, his whole body is shaking and he feels like falling over again, feels like the torrents of rain outside are pushing down on him. Calm down, _calm down,_ but Red has never, ever had any luck in calming himself down. Usually, Green is the one to calm him when he's in a panic. He's also usually the one to translate Red's hand signs (both proper sign language and his own little gestures). He's usually the one to remind Red to sleep, to eat, to bring him bags of potions and home-cooked meals, to bandage his arms where a fall on the rocks cuts him, to rub his back when he's getting sick in a bathroom, comfort, comfort, _comfort,_ Green is the warmest comfort Red has ever known _why am I still avoiding him -_

Red coughs on a breath he didn't know he was holding. He swallows dryly and takes one breath in.

And another.

Another.

One more.

Red reaches for the door handle, but his arm stiffens and he throws himself back. He sinks back to the ground. His legs feel like jelly. A solid ten seconds of thunder roar. 

Footsteps. Then they're gone.

Red stands back up, takes one breath.

And another.

He tries to force himself to grab the door handle, but he pulls back so fast that he half-punches himself in the chest.

Take one breath - he feels so sick he can't even manage that this time.

Take one breath.

And another.

Another.

One more.

...one more.

Red opens the door and peers outside. His vision is blurry, but he doesn't see anyone. He slowly treks down the quiet hallways, his eyes starting to adjust after a few long blinks. Clear, but still alone. Alone and very, very lonely. The fluorescent lights overhead are harsh on his eyes, irritating a headache he didn't know he had until now. The sound of his light footfalls on the linoleum tile echo wildly in his ears.

A roaring boom of thunder shakes the building again. Some childhood fear of his slips out of him.

"Green?!"

He calls out the name against his own volition. Green, Green, it was something about having Green by his side during thunder storms. He used to be deathly afraid of them, something about thunder and some recurring nightmare that gave Red an initial distaste for storms. It was partially Pikachu that helped him overcome this fear, and partially the elements on Mount Silver that made him realize this is _nothing_ compared to a blizzard. Green was there first, though, he was there first, he was holding Red's hand and distracting him with games and books and Pokémon battles with stuffed animals.

But that was then, and this is now. Red has caused Green more pain than any one person should ever experience. That was then, and it's been too long, and Red is certain that any sort of affection has been lost. Why would Green be looking for him?

Why would Green even want to see him after all this time?

"Red?"

He's paralyzed. The voice is coming from behind him but he can't turn around for a moment.

Even when he does, there's a moment of almost horror when he sees Green's face.

Relief mercifully drowns him when Green smiles.

"You're here." Green is whispering, as if he's trying not to wake himself up. "Y-You're really - "

Green runs, actually runs over to Red and pulls him into his arms. Red's vision is getting blurry again.

"Oh my god, you're alive."

He's not sure what to think, what to do, what to say. He's waiting for the dream to turn sour.

"I missed you so much."

But this isn't a dream this time.

Why else? Why else would Green have kept writing if he was convinced Red was dead? Why would Green have made the trek up that stupid mountain over a hundred times if not because he still likes Red? Why would he have been screaming, _screaming_ about his worry, loneliness, his straight-up _misery_ he felt while Red hid himself away? Why else would he promise to do anything, literally anything to make Red feel better? Why else, why else, why else would he say _I miss you so much it hurts_ if it weren't true? Why else would Green be holding Red as close as he physically can, if not for the fact that he still cares, if not for the fact that he missed him so much?

_I missed you so much -_

He feels himself shaking, but he can't make himself move. He hears rumbles further in the distance, catches sparks of lightning getting dimmer from the windows at the corner of the hall. Louder than that is an unsteady pattern of shuddering breaths and murmurs of _you're here, you're here, oh my god I'm so happy you're here -_

"I'm sorry." That's all Red can manage to say, and suddenly his breath is getting away from him, rushing out too fast and never quite coming back, and there's these soft _I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry_ whispers slipping out of his mouth faster and faster, louder and louder, building up into miserable wails, blurrier and blurrier visions of a hospital hallway, more and more pressure from someone's arms wrapped around him -

He's sobbing, it seems. Green is rocking him gently.

"It's okay, you're okay, I'm just happy you're here," Green murmurs this over Red's apologies, or something to that effect. He doesn't even seem to be properly hearing Green - or maybe he's too overwhelmed to hear words. All Red can hear is Green's voice, wavering and emotional, but still so, so clear, resolute, meaningful and passionate and _genuine._

"I missed you so much, Red."

A sob comes as more of a shout. Red grips Green's shirt and buries his face in the crook of his neck. His voice is straining against his throat so painfully that he fears he might genuinely, permanently lose his voice. He's loud, so loud, so much louder than he thinks he's ever been, and Green is here speaking so softly that Red almost can't tell if he's truly here or not. He's softly cooing something or other to Red, shushing him and stroking his hair (did his hat fall off?), swaying with him just a little bit, not enough to be dizzying, just enough to solidify this reality.

There's a light kiss to the top of his head. Red hugs Green back at last, finally getting enough of a grip on this reality and his physical body to react on his own volition.

"Green." His voice is nearly gone, still whimpering despite himself.

"Yeah?" It's Green's voice. That's Green speaking. This is Green.

"I missed you too." His throat hurts. Green grips the bottom of Red's jacket, almost fists his hand in Red's hair.

"I'm so happy you're back." His voice sings something almost like laughter.

"I'm sorry I hurt you." _Never again. That'll never happen again._

"I-It's okay, you're okay, you're here now," and now Green is starting to sound like a broken record, or maybe more of a favorite song played on loop. "You're here now, it's okay, everything is okay, now, everything is... God, Red..."

Another kiss on his head. Red blushes this time.

"Please don't leave me like that ever again. _Please_." The desperation in Green's request hurts.

"I won't." That's not just a promise; that's a resolution, a vow.

"Don't go back to that fucking mountain."

"We're still technically on that mountain, Green."

Green laughs loudly, fully, with all his soul and all his voice in a way that makes Red's heart shiver in some weird way. He nuzzles a little closer. This is nice. This feels better than his little hideaway. He'd sing and cry to the world and moon and sun if he could keep this moment forever and everywhere and always.

_Always._

Green finally pulls away - he looks like a bit of a wreck - and smooths Red's hair down absently. Red leans into the touch, just to know that it's real, he's real, Green is here and so is Red. Red is back.

Red is safe. Red is here.

And so is Green.

"...you're still short, Red."

"Shut up." Again, Green laughs, and the room lights up - lightning, that's why, lightning slowly edging away.

"I'm..." Green looks almost amazed. "I cannot express enough how much... how fucking _wonderful_ this is, Red. Seeing you."

Shoot, he's blushing again. _Thank you for waiting for me,_ but his voice doesn't work for more than a few syllables. Green has gotten good at reading lips, though.

"Of course," and he hugs Red again, and Red relishes in Green's warmth. "I'd wait another eight years if I had to - but you're not fucking going _anywhere,_ Red, you hear that?" There's that familiar fire in his voice.

"Guess I'm just gonna have to stand here forever."

"You know what I mean. Don't be so literal, you brat." _Brat,_ said affectionately.

"I'll be as literal as I wanna be. I'm like a genie."

Green chuckles. "Yeah, taking things too literally and cocooning yourself up somewhere 'til someone comes along and summons you back to the mortal realm." Red laughs now, as much as his voice will let him. "God, Red, I missed your laughter."

Oh. Oh wow that feels weird, something about that sentiment feels... He feels like he's... fluttering? Something like that.

"I-I did, too." That's just the truth. He feels too warm.

Green lets Red go again, which is disappointing, because it's been too long and Red just wants to live in this moment forever. "You holding up okay, Red?"

He shrugs a little. "Wanna bet?"

"I don't think I do, Red. I just wanna know if you're okay."

"Then you owe me dinner for chickening out." Red rubs his eyes, but his vision isn't much less blurry. His eyes are now too dry, stinging, desperately craving sleep, but how is he supposed to sleep right now? He's here - Green, Green, Green is here.

His rival, his best friend, the person with a very special place in his heart, smirks at him for the first time in far too long. "Battle you for it."

"Again, you owe me dinner."

Green rolls his eyes, but he's still smiling wide. "You aren't even giving me a chance?"

"I'm saving you the trouble."

"Whatever you say, Red." Green ruffles Red's hair. For now, Red allows it.

"...where's my hat?"

Green looks almost panicked for a moment, but the look melts quickly. He steps around Red to pick it up and dust it off with his hand. "Here. I guess it fell off your head."

Green places Red's hat back on his head, and for some reason Red is shaking again. He must still be sick with anxiety, but he's smiling...? Yeah, no, there's nothing to be afraid of anymore, because he's here, and so is Green, and Green is... he's actually happy to see Red.

_Do you hate me?_ He doesn't need to ask that anymore. 

_I miss you._ He doesn't need to say that anymore.

Green does not hate Red, and Red does not miss Green anymore; he  _missed_ Green. Now he's here. His thoughts are looping over and over, obsessive and overwhelmed and absolutely _overjoyed_.

Green takes Red's chin in his hand and tilts his face up, looking deeply into his eyes _what are you doing -_

"You look like you haven't been sleeping."

Oh. "Right." Pause. "Should I be?"

"Don't be a smart-ass, Red."

"But I wanna see you." _Wait what -_

"Trust me, Red, I'm not goin' anywhere," he laughs, and suddenly Red feels like a bit of an idiot. "If you haven't been resting, though, I'm gonna clock you so you get some shut-eye."

"I'm not tired."

"Yes, yes you are."

Red crosses his arms. "Says who?"

"Says the friend who _knows_ when you haven't been sleeping, Red."

Red, Red, Red, Green seems to be saying his name a lot, but when you've only been able to say your friend's name in a context where said friend is missing... Maybe he's trying to make it sound right again.

"Well, I don't wanna sleep."

"You're gonna pass out if you don't, so joke's on you, Red."

"I'll probably pass out from not eating before I - "

"What do you - are you - " Green cuts him off, stammering, "fuck, Red, did you not even eat today?!"

"Uh..."

"When did you last have _anything_ to eat, even if it was just a candy bar or something?"

"Um..." One, two, three... four... um...

"Red, if you don't have an answer for me right _now,_ that means you need to eat."

Seventeen... no, eighteen...

"Red!"

"Twenty-five?"

"Please tell me you mean minutes." Oops. "Red!"

"I couldn't eat because I was nervous about meeting you again because I thought you were gonna be mad at me," Red blurts out, pulling his hat down, shrinking in on himself a bit. Green's expression softens.

"I'm not mad at you, I promise. I'm just relieved that you're home."

Not quite _home,_ per say - or maybe it is home. Maybe Green is home.

...where are all these mushy thoughts coming from?

"...where are we going?" Red just realized he's being dragged along.

"We're getting you fed so you don't die, Red."

He's practically tripping over himself just trying to keep up with Green, so maybe food isn't the worst idea in the world. He still feels a bit sick, though. Maybe it'll pass...?

"I don't feel hungry, though."

"Well, tough luck."

"I feel kinda sick."

"Prob'ly 'cause you aren't eating or sleeping, Red," and there's this heavy worry in Green's voice that wraps around Red like a blanket. "I'll start cooking, and I want you to drink some water while I'm doing that. We'll have some food and get you to bed. I should sleep too, actually," Green adds, "since I've been up for about a full twenty-four hours, now."

"Try thirty."

"Jesus, Red, how the hell do you live on your own?"

"I don't." Green laughs at the joke, but only for a second.

"Don't go dying on me, though, got it?" Red's wrist slips away, and now Green has his hand.

"...got it." He feels warm again. He's definitely caught a flu or something.

"I dunno exactly what we got in here to cook with," Green says as he pulls Red into the communal kitchenette, "and I dunno how clean everything is, but we're gonna soap it all down and make due."

"Do they keep food in here?"

"Not for the most part, but..." Green trails off dramatically.

"But...?"

"They do always like to keep a box or two of pancake mix in here."

The fact that Green cared enough to read every last word of those letters means so much more to Red than anyone will ever know. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ~~actually kinda cried writing this one~~  
>     
> this chapter is also known as _local kanto boys™ stop trying to avoid their feelings and hug it out_ , featuring Green who is equally as enthralled as Red and Red who does not know where these feelings are coming from or what to do with them. he is trying to understand but is he succeeding? not yet this is a SLOW BURN we got goin here  
>    
> bonus: if u want more angst, the argument Red is remembering is an excerpt from part of the _9000 meters above sea level_ series, _coming home_


	12. playing, playing, traveling together

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Red is feeling better, now that he's with Green again. He's not sure he ever had social skills for anyone else, though.

He only wakes up because the sun is hitting his face.

Red is the kind of person who needs plenty of sleep, that much is certain. He actually got a lot of rest in the days N was recovering, having went back to his mom's house to pay her a desperately needed visit. The only reason he didn't sleep much the first night he was there was because she was so elated to have her son home that she wouldn't let him go, wouldn't stop talking, and he didn't _want_ to stop talking, and so their conversation carried on from seven in the evening up until four in the morning. He would have slept until the afternoon if he weren't the kind of person to wake up with the sun.

Waking up with the sun is hard when you live in a cave. He realizes he's missed nature's alarm clock, really. It's both more and less difficult to get up in the morning when you're in a civilized boarding room of sorts. There's the sun, on one hand. On the other hand, there's a proper mattress. The rescue center has an assortment of hospital rooms, but it also has the non-medical bedrooms that most Pokémon Centers have. It's a means of keeping trainers from having to live on the streets while they're journeying, since they're spending most of their funds on supplies for caring for their Pokémon, gathering badges, catching whatever catches their eyes, whatever it is they may want to accomplish. Mount Silver's rescue center is a step up with the kitchenette, though, over a single microwave that sometimes exists in Pokémon Centers. The beds here are much comfier, too, softer mattresses and more plush pillows.

Green's boarding bed encourages Red to drift back to sleep, but the sound of several Pidgey fighting outside and sudden rays of sun hitting his eyes are more convincing.

Red sits up, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes. What time is it, anyway? 9:34, the old alarm clock says. That's way too early. That's about... maybe four and a half hours of sleep? Maybe. He and Green were up way too late last night.

Speaking of Green, he's not here. A note on the desk seems to have replaced him.

_Red,_

_I'll be down the hall checking in on N's testimony about Team Plasma - he decided he wanted to talk early in the morning and I was the only one still here. Come find me if you need me. Remember to brush your teeth. I'll send you a post card._

_\- Green_

_(ps: please appreciate my hilarious joke)_

He's being generous by calling that _hilarious,_ but Green is Green, and to him the worst jokes are somehow also the best. Brushing his teeth isn't a bad idea, though. Red realizes that he not only missed Green, but also the modern amenity that is indoor plumbing. Not having to use bottled water for proper hygiene is nice. He doesn't remember the last time he had a real shower, and honestly this might be convincing enough on its own to keep him off the summit.

He dries off and checks the clock. 9:57. Maybe he and Green can -

"...about heading back to Unova, but I don't..." Red isn't entirely sure who's voice just passed the door. It definitely wasn't Green or either of his Unovan friends, and it wasn't Lance. Lance might not even be here this early in the morning. It is still pretty early for him, at least, as most League battles don't start until around the afternoon.

There's some more chattering down the hall. Red quickly ruffles his hair dry, puts his hat and jacket back on, and trots down towards the commotion.

"...tournament is going to be pretty big again this year, from what I can tell. Champions from all over are supposed to come by again. They're inviting some of the younger ones this year, too." It's that unfamiliar voice again.

"Is that including you, Tou?" Green, there's Green. Red inches closer to the door frame.

"I-I honestly didn't even realize there was a tournament or anything," Touya replies. What tournament?

"Well, if you take the chance to enter now, we could have a proper battle again." Unfamiliar again.

"I'd like to battle you myself, as a matter of fact. You have an interesting team of Pokémon with you." That's Lance.

"I was told Red was invited, too, but..." The unknown voice trails off.

"...what are you grinning about, Green?" Lance sounds confused. Wait, does Lance not realize that -

"Hey, Red!"

_Shit._

Red pulls himself back from the door, and for a solid few seconds his heart is racing like it'll burst. No, no, no, he doesn't wanna go in, he doesn't wanna have to see someone new so early in the morning (and while he's still a bit emotional, no less), he doesn't want Lance to start asking questions about his whereabouts or why he left or -

"Red, are you even up?"

Oh, he is awake. He just -

"Did... Did you..." Lance trails off.

Their chattering fades out as Red loses himself in thought. This isn't the best morning for this. He's still a bit of a mess. He usually tries to remain as presentable as possible around others, especially other champions. He doesn't worry that they'll stop respecting him for his battling skills, no, but he's caught wind of some murmurs of his more unusual habits. It's better to keep himself calm and collected, almost stoic, as not to draw anymore unnecessary attention to himself.

All that pretense goes out the window with the prospect of seeing Green in there. Who's going to judge him when he hasn't properly been with Green in years, anyway?

"Hey, Red, you're - oof!" Red practically throws himself into a hug, which Green accepts when he catches his balance. "Good morning to you too, shorty."

Red leans up and whispers to him again, only for Green to hear, in case he forgot. "I missed you."

"I missed you too, Red," and again he accepts Green ruffling the back of his hair. He'll regret it next time, though.

"This is Red, then?" That's the new voice. Red blushes a bit, now. He forgot that there's other people here.

Oh shoot there's _new_ people here -

"Yep! Red's the one who beat me after I became the Indigo Champion about a decade ago, now. He's also just about the only person who can actually beat my championship team. Some Alola report was calling us 'battle legends,' or somethin' ridiculous like that." While Green is rambling, Red sidesteps and straightens himself out, tugging his hat down just enough to feel a little safer under its shelter. Green slings his arm around Red's shoulders; _you're okay, I got you, don't be scared,_ a welcomed gesture that carries on from their childhood.

"Well, it's nice to finally have a face to the name," the man greets him with a kind grin. "My name's Alder. I take it you and Green go way back, don't you?"

Red nods. He... He actually kept eye contact this time. That's new.

"These are the kinds of friends you really hold onto, you know," Alder muses to no one in particular. "You two take care of each other, you got it?"

"Yeah, that's basically my second job outside of being a Pokémon trainer," Green chides. Red rolls his eyes. "Hey, don't sass me."

They both stick their tongues out at each other. Lance rolls his eyes. Seems like Lance is equally as unsurprised yet disappointed at their "immaturity" as he was when they were kids.

"That goes for the both of you, too," Alder then addresses Touya and N.

"Of course!" N claps his hands together as best he can with one arm still in a sling. "I won't be disappearing again any time soon!"

"That'd better go for you, too," Green mutters. Red nods softly. No more disappearing. Well, maybe to chase a Pokémon he wants to catch, but wouldn't take more than two minutes, unless it's a Larvitar in a snowstorm.

"You're heading back to Unova with Touya, then?" Alder asks N. Red notices a bit of a flustered expression on Touya's face.

"Yes - unless you had other plans," N offers. Touya is quick to answer.

"N-No, I-I think I we're just going back. Honestly, I'm really ready to get back home right about now. It's been a long time."

Lance catches Red's attention, pulling him slightly away from the conversation and, subsequently, Green. "Where have you been all these years?"

He points up. _On this mountain._

"Why did you leave?"

He already told himself he didn't want to get into this. He makes a quick slashing motion across his throat.

"But... Red, you were..." Again he makes the gesture, more adamantly this time, and Lance relents. "If you say so. So," and now Lance is speaking at a more audible volume, "I don't suppose you've heard of the Pokémon World Tournament, have you?"

That tournament thing again, huh? Red looks at Green for clarification.

"Oh, yeah, I didn't mention that last night, did I?" Red shakes his head. "Yeah, Unova's hosting a huge Pokémon tournament out by Driftveil. The League Champion's tournament is coming up pretty soon, so I was gonna head on over there to go be a part of that." Red tilts his head a bit. "Yeah, it's in about a week, or so. If I'm remembering right, the admins just assume you're coming unless you tell them otherwise."

"Every entry to the tournament is valid until you don't show," Alder answers. "That means you could come join in on the fun, Red." He actually jolts. It's been awhile since he heard someone unfamiliar say his name. "Yes, you. They've invited the best of the best from all around the globe, you know."

"And since you're _almost_ as much of a master as _I_ am, I guess they decided to call you up," Green chides. Red rolls his eyes. Still, downplaying his status as _literally the World Champion_ is always very warmly welcomed by him and his anxiety.

"Y-You don't have to actually enter, if you don't want," Touya adds. "You could just come along to watch. I-I dunno if I'm gonna battle myself, either."

"Oh?" Alder sounds disappointed. "You've always been such a strong trainer, though."

Touya glances briefly at N, at the person who wanted to liberate Pokémon from trainers and organized battles and all the bells and whistles. "I dunno. I think I just lost the flow of it."

No, he just doesn't want to make N upset. _That's_ why Touya is trying to opt out.

"Well, unless you're supposed to be the first one on the field, you won't necessarily have to decide right away. You can always show up just in time," Lance offers, "though I wouldn't encourage tardiness."

"Wait, do they have the whole timing of it sorted out already?" Green asks.

"They released the roster just this morning. It should be somewhere in your email, I believe." Lance pauses, then looks at Red. "I think you're actually the first one up, now that I mention it."

Shit. That's not a wave of terror he needed today. It's been ages since he battled in front of an audience. Does a mountain have an audience? No. Just you and the other trainer, maybe a Sneasel or two. A tournament, though? _World_ Tournament?That's a lot of people. That's definitely gotta have way more people than Red even knows. That's an unacceptable amount of people.

"Well, you can at least come with us to Unova, and if you don't want to battle, you don't have to," N offers quickly, seemingly sensing Red's impending terror. "Maybe you could call out sick?"

The issue here is that they invited Red against his own will, and if he doesn't show, that's going to reflect pretty badly on him. The word _coward_ has been used a few times in similar situations, but not for a _world-wide_ tournament.

Unless they invited him last year, and he just didn't know about it. In that case, he needs to redeem himself this time. There's really no winning here.

"My first battle's up third, apparently," Green announces absently. He's just noticed Red's silence is a panicked one. "Hey, it's gonna be fine, alright? You don't have to do anything you don't want to do."

Red does hear Lance murmur something, and since he's already on the defensive, he's assuming it's no good.

Red looks at Green and claps twice quietly, _look._ He raises his hand up, halfway to the brim of his hat, then rubs it along his neck. _I feel uneasy,_ is what this means in his own little language.

"Physically, or...?" Red flaps his hand a bit, _a bit of everything._ "Do you think you're gonna be too uneasy going into the tournament, or do you think you might just fall into the battle flow?" He swirls his hands around each other, then shrugs, _once I get rolling, maybe._ "I thought so too, yeah. You can make the final call when we head in, but just keep that in mind for now, okay?"

"How are you two communicating?" Alder sounds absolutely baffled.

"You get to know someone pretty damn well when you've been friends for over a decade," Green grins. "You also get to know - "

Stupid tall idiot took his hat.

" - when _someone_ is letting their guard down." Stupid Green and his stupid smirk.

Red holds his hand out with an icy stare. _Give it._

"Y'know," and Green holds the hat higher up instead, "I always thought that one day, I wouldn't be able to do this, 'cause I was pretty sure you were gonna get taller _eventually._ I guess today's not that day, is it?"

Red slumps his shoulders. _Come on._

"Well, if you can reach your hat, you can get it back!"

Red tries to run and jump for it, but Green is too tall, seriously, who said anyone was allowed to be taller than 5'8" at the absolute maximum _,_ _this is so unfair -_

"Green, stop tormenting your friend," Lance scolds. "You're acting like a child, and he's been gone for a long time."

"Which means I haven't had the chance to tease him, now have - _ow, fuck!"_

In the five seconds it took for that exchange to get that far, Red quietly sent out Pikachu and, seeing Green with Red's hat in his hand, the mouse shocked him with absolutely no hesitation. The hat falls onto Pikachu's head, who runs over to Red and hops on his shoulders.

He sets it proudly back on his head. Red may not be tall enough to get his hat back, but he _is_ sneaky enough.

"Red, you're gonna kill him one of these days!" Lance shouts. Red cuts the air with his hand, _it's fine._

"I don't think Pikachu needs to use _that_ much of a shock, though..." Green's face is tinted from the zap. Red sticks his tongue out triumphantly. "You're a piece of work, you know that?"

Red only grins and fixes the brim of his hat. _Oh, I know._

"If that's Pikachu's lowest setting, I bet he does great in battles, huh?" Alder muses. This again.

"So, Red," and Red turns to look at Green, "you can do one of a few things, here. Last year's World Tournament, all us champions went out with mostly our champion-registered teams. This year, they say you can use a totally different team - and there's gonna be some of the younger champs, too. I'm probably gonna mix up my usual team, and I'm pretty sure a few of us are gonna use almost totally different teams from the ones we defend our titles with. So you can either use your classic guys, or you can use a different crowd for once."

That was another thing Red was worried about, though he didn't entirely realize it. Even in a tournament like this, defeating a champion in battle holds a hell of a lot of weight to it. Defeating Lance may not mean you've won the Indigo League off the bat, but it does mean you _could_ beat Lance, even if the rules get switched up between one event and a proper League battle. Hence, if Red were to bring his usual team with him on the battle field, if he were to mess up and lose...

Well, that would garner a lot of unwanted attention. Red doesn't even truly care if he's the World Champion or not anymore; he just doesn't want to make a scene.

Red point a thumb at Pikachu and waves his hand up, _Pikachu and Charizard._

"Yeah, 'cause those two are kinda your staples. I dunno who else you have on hand, actually," Green adds, "since I only ever challenge your usual guys." Red points more steeply up, toward the peak of Mount Silver. "What do you..." He flaps his hand a bit. "You mean - oh, shoot, Lance," Green turns quickly, "you can register legendary Pokémon again this year, right?"

Lance looks a bit worried. "What are you planning?"

"It's about what _this_ guy is planning, actually," Green corrects.

N looks curiously at Red. "You've been keeping a legendary Pokémon with you?" Red nods. Articuno isn't part of his usual team, but he likes to keep the bird by his side. "Is it safe to bring a Pokémon like that to a tournament?"

Red shrugs and looks to Alder, since he would know better than the rest of them. "It's legal, yes. Most people don't do it, though."

"I-Is it safe, though?"

"To be fair, I took Zekrom with me to battle Alder," Touya offers, "so - "

"A tournament is different from a League battle, though," N quickly cuts him off. "I just want to be sure that a Pokémon of legendary status won't be at risk in an arena with that much of an audience!"

Oh, right, audience. Red is desperately trying to forget about that.

"I took Zapdos for one of recreational battles last year, and I didn't have any issues."

Zapdos.

Zapdos?

_(Since when do you have Zapdos?!)_ Red wildly signs, proper sign language this time.

"Oh, uh, did I not mention that?"

_(No, you didn't.)_

"Yeah, uh... yeah. I caught Zapdos."

_(What about Moltres?)_

"Fire has it."

_(Who?)_ He doesn't recognize that name.

"He's one of the younger kids from Pallet, I don't think you ever met him. He's... He's a piece of work, let's just say that. He kinda has a jacket like yours, you'll know him when you see him."

Oh. He means _that_ Fire.

"Oh, you were using sign language!" Alder exclaims. "That's how you were talking earlier."

"Nah, earlier was just Red doing his thing. _This_ is sign language, though."

"...now I'm even more confused."

"Try holding a conversation with Red _and_ Pikachu, it gets pretty messy - unless you're as talented as I am, of course. I can always - _ow,_ come on, Pikachu!"

_"Piiii!"_ Pikachu cheers.

"Red, control your mouse."

_(I am.)_

"You little brat! You're - gimme that hat back!"

Red sidesteps Green, and Pikachu zaps him again.

"Is... Is this normal for you two?" Touya asks a very tired-looking Green.

"Yeah, about as normal as it gets." He still sounds cheerful, though. "Well, Red, you coming with us or what?"

The answer is a firm nod. Like hell he's letting _Green_ leave _him_. They've been apart for too long.

"You gonna battle, too?"

If Green is going to be there, if Red may even have the chance to battle Green again, the answer is a tentative yet distinct nod.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yes hello i am, in fact, not entirely dead but i've been busy since i posted the last chapter and it is 8am now and i can't sleep _help_  
>  fun fact: Red made up his own gestures from years of not being able to speak freely, which only Green is actually able to interpret. he learned sign language on Mount Silver to attempt to communicate with anyone who might show up there. their conversations are a mix of actual signing and assorted gestures to the point that pretty much only Green can translate what he's saying  
>  ~~also fun fact: i've always considered Red and Fire (frlg protag) to be different entities with very, very different personalities. if/when i ever write something for Fire that'll be very apparent~~


	13. warmly, warmly coming home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Touya is bringing friends old and new back to Nuvema Town. He's hoping for the best but fearing the worst.

He's a bit apprehensive.

Touya is more than happy to have N finally coming home; ecstatic, really. This overwhelming relief comes with finally knowing where N is, having him by his side. In the time it's taken for N to heal enough to be able to travel back (no more sling for him), they actually conducted two more interviews (Touya feels bad for suggesting there would only be one more, at most), and everyone had their various clearances and passports sorted. Getting a passport for Red was a two and a half day ordeal, most of which was spent trying to get Red to actually _go_ to the agency. N was nervous, too, but at least he was more cooperative. The extra five years of social isolation must have steeled Red's stubbornness quite a bit more.

They are coming home, though. The _coming home_ is making Touya feel a little sick.

The boat ride to Castelia was fine. N got a little sea sick, and Red spent a lot of time in front of an armada of fans ( _too hot,_ he said), but otherwise, the two runaways were coping reasonably well. N has become quieter as they come closer and closer to reaching Nuvema Town, though. Touya can't blame him, honestly. He's a bit nervous about being back in his own region, too. He feels kind of bad for having run off for so long, and while he _thinks_ he's on speaking terms with everyone again, he's not sure about how well N is going to hold up.

Touya called in earlier while they were back in Kanto, actually, trying to get things organized, at least make it a bit less awkward. His mom took the news the best out of everyone, he feels, actually being excited to meet N after everything Touya has told her about him. _He means a lot to you, I can tell,_ and he'll be damned if she's wrong. Bianca took it reasonably well, too, though she sounded a bit... distant, maybe? He did call later in the evening, so maybe she was just tired. He did have to re-explain N's reevaluation of the idea of Pokémon liberation, though. He understands that she's worried about her Pokémon, but fearing the worst doesn't really make sense anymore. Juniper seemed pretty curious more than anything, offering that _maybe he could help with some research sometime, if he speaks to Pokémon and all._ Touko... He couldn't get a hold of her. She's probably off in the Battle Subway somewhere, he's sure.

 _He took you away from me for three years._ Cheren took the news the worst.

 _It's not his fault. I was the one who left._ Touya keeps trying to explain this.

_It wouldn't have happened if -_

Then the conversation turned sour, then quiet, then to some smalltalk just so they wouldn't end on a bad note. It hurts, really hurts that Cheren is still so distrusting of N. Touya's disappearance wasn't even N's fault, in the long run, and Cheren has yet to understand that.

"Touya."

Touya jolts a little and looks over at N, who's tightly holding his own arms, eyes staring sharply at the ground. That's a bad sign.

"What's up?" He tries to sound cheerful for N's sake.

"I don't feel good."

"Do you feel sick?"

"Nervous and sick."

Touya holds back a sigh and a _same._ "I'm sure it'll be fine, okay?"

"How can you be sure of that?"

There's no point in hiding it, especially if it's largely good news. "I already called my mom, Bianca, Cheren, and Professor Juniper, and no one really responded badly." Well, Cheren did, but it was less about N and more about Touya having run away.

"...I suppose." Pause. "It's been awhile since I've... This is actually the first time I've been part of regular civilian life. Until now, I've either been a vagabond or involved in, um, other matters." N winces, no doubt at the memory of Team Plasma.

"You'll be okay. I'm gonna make sure of that." Touya gives N a (hopefully) reassuring look. "Besides, it's not like we're gonna be locked in Nuvema forever, you know? We can still visit around the region. I might wanna do that, actually," Touya adds, "since it's been awhile since I've looked around here. I figured Green and Red would wanna explore around too, right?"

"Yeah, why not? We're here anyway," Green grins. He looks over at Red. "How 'bout you?"

Red nods, but offers no real change in expression or any words. He's been like this since they left Mount Silver, oddly stoic and quiet. Touya supposes that he might be apprehensive about coming back down after _eight whole years_ of living on a mountain, but... This just seems like very unusual behavior for him. Even though he was quiet on the mountain when Touya first met him, he was at least more expressive.

"Th-There's a lot of wild areas we can visit," Touya offers, both to Red and to N, "and there's plenty of Pokémon to find, of course. I heard there's been Pokémon that migrated here from other regions, too."

"I think it would be nice to see who's come here from which regions," and now N is smiling, less tensed up. "Different cities have been founded since you were here last, too, Touya."

That's right. N actually _did_ come back to Unova, but only briefly. Touya was still away, probably in Kalos by that point. He was convinced he'd be able to find N in a forest village inhabited by Pokémon near a snowy town, but that obviously wasn't the case. Touya was so, so sure, though. It was a safe-haven for abused Pokémon, and there was even a Zoroark there. It seemed exactly like somewhere N would want to be. Hell, maybe he did stay there for awhile. Admittedly, he and N haven't talked in depth about exactly where they've been, only giving vague descriptions, omitting route numbers and city names. There's no real reason to, but -

"Just where do you think you're going?"

The two Unovans stop and look at the Kantonians. Green looks angry. Red looks a bit terrified.

"W-Wait, what's going on?" He's going to have to step in, isn't he?

"He keeps trying to run off," Green almost snaps, holding Red tight by the wrist. Red points toward Route 17. "You're not gonna hide out there, got it?" Red shakes his head and tries to make a phone-shape with his hand. "Last time, you totally disappeared when that was our plan! I'm not gonna let that happen again!"

"Once you get onto Route 17, you lose all reception, you know," Touya informs the two, and Red's expression drops. "I-If you were okay with it, I-I guess you could... I dunno, maybe stay just off the edge of Route 1?"

"It's along a saltwater inlet right by the coast," N adds. "I'm sure there's plenty of room to explore, though not so much that you would get lost."

Red and Green look at each other, both slightly gesturing to one other. As to how they're actually holding up a conversation, Touya will never know.

"...you two keep rolling, we need to talk." Green pulls Red off to the side and back up Route 1.

"R-Right! Sheesh," Touya adds the huff more quietly. "I-I guess he's just a little nervous?"

"He seems genuinely afraid," N offers. "I understand how he feels."

Touya squeezes N's hand in his. "I promise everything is going to be okay, okay? Can you trust me?"

N hesitates to answer. "I'm not sure if I can trust anything, but if anyone, I can trust you."

That makes Touya's heart nearly jump out of his chest, makes him smile a bit too wide. "I-I'm glad. C'mon," and N lets himself get tugged along, "it's been way too long since I've been home."

"I thought you told me you came back here for a brief time to visit your family...?"

"R-Right, but... I dunno. It's different when you're coming back for good, you know?"

"Touya!"

Bianca is right in the middle of the path leading into Nuvema Town, smiling as brightly as ever, waving as if he couldn't see her in plain daylight. Touya dashes over to her and throws himself into a hug.

"Oh my gosh, Touya, I'm so glad you're back!" Okay, she's kinda squeezing him to death now. "It's been _forever_ since I've seen you!"

"Y-Yeah, sorry about that..." They already had this conversation, but -

"Don't be sorry," she coos, letting him go. "I'm just glad you're home safely. Both of you!" N jumps a little. "Are you happy to see Unova again, N?"

He's at a bit of a loss for words, at first. "I... Y-Yes, I have missed this region."

"We _are_ the best region, after all!" she winks. "But I guess I'm a bit biased, eheh..."

"Wait, when..." Touya does a double take. "When did you get glasses?"

"Oh, these?" she adjusts the frames on her face. "Cheren helped me pick them out last year. He finally got contacts, and when I was goofing around, I put his glasses on, and everything just looked a lot clearer! I guess I always needed glasses and just never knew until then."

That would explain why she tended to bump into stuff sometimes. "Well, I'm glad you got that sorted."

"Honey!" Oh, wow, hasn't been away from home for nearly as long as his last excursion, but he still missed his mom's voice.

"N, come on," Touya tugs him along, though N still looks a bit nervous. "My mom's really nice, I promise."

He's introducing N to his mother, and something about the connotation of that feels a bit... He's not going to look into that too much.

"Okay, so _now_ you're back in Unova for good!" His mom hugs him more tightly than Bianca did, which is impressive, to say the least. "What do you want for dinner, honey? Anything you want is on the menu, tonight."

"Honestly, I'm fine with whatever you wanna make. Oh, um," shoot, this is awkward with that lingering thought, "mom, this is - "

"N, right? Touya has told me a lot about you."

N looked nervous. "H-He has?"

"A lot of good things about a good friend, yes," she laughs, and N is actually smiling, thank god. "I'm glad he got you back here safely. I know things were rough when you were last here, but I'm sure you have a heart of gold, don't you?"

N flushes a little. "I-I suppose so. I-I promise I'm going to do my best to help people and Pokémon properly, from now on."

"Well, if you wanna help, maybe you could suggest something for dinner, since _this_ one doesn't have any ideas." N laughs, god that laugh is really cute _what am I saying -_

"I-I don't eat meat, but otherwise I'm not very picky," he offers. "I'm very fond of noodles of any sort, if that's any help...?"

"Oh, I'm sure I can fix something up like that. Have you ever had portobello mushrooms? They're a staple in vegetarian dishes, I'm told."

Touya is absolutely clueless when it comes to cooking, and even more so when it comes to vegetarianism. He's not surprised that N would be a vegetarian, but it's just not something that ever came to mind. He wonders dimly if N was subsisting entirely off of berries for the longest time. That would explain why he's so thin - beautiful, though - _beautiful?_

"Glad to see you're home, Touya."

Touya turns a bit anxiously to face Cheren. To his relief (for now, at least), he's smiling.

"I'm glad to be back, honestly. I missed Unova."

"Well, if you couldn't tell by these two giving you death hugs," Cheren gestures to his mom and Bianca, "Unova missed you, too."

That's... actually really sweet.

"...but soy sauce is an incredibly vital staple in their diet over there, so I had it on most of the meals I was served, and I've reached the point where I truly enjoy it's saltiness - "

"Oh, gosh, it's so much salt, though! I always use teriyaki, have you ever had that one? It's a lot more savory, I think it works better with - " Yep, N and mom are still on a roll. He didn't realize how fast mom can talk until now, hearing her chatting with N.

His phone buzzes with a message. It's from Green. Uh oh.

[hey Tou u in yet?] _Tou._ That's gonna get confusing if Touko comes home.

{yeah, just saying hi to everyone. is everything okay?}

"...Green?" Cheren has this bad habit of reading over Touya's shoulder. It's something that bothers him, yet something he's given up on fighting too adamantly.

"Y-Yeah, we met in Kanto." He tilts the screen away.

"Hm." Pause. "Isn't he the original Indigo Champion?"

"Is he? I know he's in charge of Viridian City's gym, but..." He wouldn't be too surprised, but Green never mentioned that, and Touya doesn't know a lot about any other champions. He left to find N before he could make any real connections.

[i'm letting Red hang out in that west bit of route 1 as long as he keeps me updated on him still actually being there. dont mention he's here, he's kinda freaking out] Touya feels bad for Red, but he's not at all surprised at this news. The poor thing looked like a cornered Pokémon back there.

{gotcha}

"He was the Indigo League's Champion before he battled Red, in fact," Cheren informs him once he's done typing. "I really admire his work. He's been getting progressively more versatile. I think Green's last update was something about trying to organize a competitive fairy-type specialization team, just to see if he could do it."

"What's this about the original Indigo League Champion?" Speak of the devil. Cheren almost jumps out of his skin.

"G-Green?" Cheren has the same look of wonder on his face as he did when he met Alder for the first time, a bit shocked and a bit amazed. Green looks more than pleased.

"The one and only Green Oak!" he winks and snaps, this weird little thing he does whenever he greets someone new, apparently. "Though I guess I don't gotta introduce myself much. You sound like you know what I'm about."

"Touya, how many friends are you bringing over for dinner?" mom laughs. "At this point I'll have to make it a buffet!"

"I-I'll help cook, I promise!" Now he _really_ feels awkward. He didn't mention either of the Kantonians coming over - though it's probably for the best, since Red is absent.

"Just help me gets all the ingredients and dishes together, honey, that's all I'll need." Touya pouts a bit. He's not _that_ bad at cooking. "Though, N, if you want to help with the vegetarian stuff, that would be delightful. I've never actually made a meat-free meal before!"

"Oh, I would be more than happy to help!" N looks lively, really alive.

"Looks like N's the new favorite child, huh, Touya?" Bianca jokes. He can't hold back a sigh.

"Yeah, looks like." Pause. "I'm happy they're getting along, though."

"You know," and suddenly she leans in and quiets to a whisper, "they say this kind of thing is prone to happening when you bring your new boyfriend home."

His face is burning. "Th-That doesn't apply at all, here."

"Well, that's just what they say," she hums innocently. "That happened with Cheren and I, you know."

"When did you two actually get together?" Did he miss that part?

Bianca just shrugs. "We just... kinda realized we were dating one day. Neither of us can remember when we even confessed, or if it just slowly became the norm," she laughs.

" - but Aerodactyl is actually my best bet if he's fast enough, and he's fast as hell. He can even take an electric hit as long as he gets Earthquake out, then whatever's on the field is usually toast." Touya catches the tail end of Green's explanation on some battle strategy. Cheren looks absolutely entranced.

"Eelektross has an immunity to ground moves, though, since it has the Levitate ability, and three other type resistances. What would you - "

"Leaf Storm Exeggutor. High special attack, strong special move, and a resistance to electric. If they got a fire move on it, Alakazam can wreck shop instead." Green really is a champion, now that Touya thinks about it. He has that air about him, not to mention running a variety team like that. Actually, didn't he say people have to battle him if they want to try battling Red? He's sort of a champion in that regard, too. Touya almost wonders why Green didn't take Red's place during his absence, but maybe that was too much of a sore spot.

"Touya?" He's hearing his name a lot today. It sounds sweeter in N's voice. _Wait what the hell am I saying -_

"Y-Yeah?" He answers too suddenly, too startled by his own thoughts. N jumps a little but laughs.

"You seem more tense than I am at this point. Are you feeling okay?"

"Yeah, just... It's been awhile since I've seen pretty much everyone all together, y'know?"

"Too long?"

He grins a bit. "Way too long."

"Oh, _that's_ what all this commotion is about!"

"Hey, Professor! Everyone is home!" Bianca cheers.

"I can see that," Juniper smiles, then pats Touya's shoulder. "Glad to have you back, kiddo. Got any plans now that you're here?"

"Not a whole lot, I-I don't think." The World Tournament is happening, yes, but he's still not sure if he's going to get involved or not. 

"Taking it easy after all that searching, huh?" Juniper looks at N. "And you? You've been gone awhile, too."

"Yes, I suppose I have been." He looks a little nervous again. "I'm not sure what I'm going to do. Oh, Touya said we could visit some of the region that he hasn't seen since he left, actually!" Oh, right, they were going to do that.

"Y'all wanna do that after PWT?" Green calls over. "'cause I gotta do some battling over there."

"Touya, you brought a whole party home, didn't you?" Juniper jokes. "Green Oak, right? I've read some of your research papers. I'm Professor Juniper."

"Glad to meet ya! You were working with Fennel on dream research awhile ago, weren't you?" Since when is Green a gym leader, champion, _and_ a researcher? Does he never sleep?

"Touya." N again. Shoot, he never actually got to ask his question.

"What's up?"

N hesitates, speaking softly with his request. "I... Do you think... I-I think it would be nice for Reshiram and Zekrom to see each other again, i-if you would... find that acceptable." That hopefulness in his eyes is absolutely impossible to resist.

"Of course," Touya agrees. "Maybe when we're done dinner, we can sit out here and let them see each other, okay?"

"That would be absolutely lovely. I've been hearing Reshiram since you found me. It's pining for Zekrom, too." _Too?_ N seems to not notice that one little word that changes the whole connotation there.

"Y-Yeah... Yeah, we'll do that, promise."

Touya has to wonder when he realized how damn cute N's smile is.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello i call this chapter "can't have fluff without a touch of angst but it's mostly fluff," featuring pretty much the entire population of Nuvema Town (which isn't much lets be real)  
> i feel like Touya would be really close with his mom, to the point that he'd tell her all about his adventures and ofc N, and having pretty much heard from the best source that _no N's not bad he's just kinda misled,_ she's taking to him especially well  
>  ~~also Bianca knows what's up and Touya is in denial~~


	14. swirling, swirling, black and white

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Touya has a quite moment with N in his hometown. The stars look a little brighter tonight.

This is going surprisingly well.

Touya sits down in the grass on his front yard and sighs deeply, finally feeling a bit more relaxed after the days events. Today managed to go very, very well. Everyone was perfectly satisfied with dinner (who knew N was such a helpful cook?), and the only silence anyone really had was when they were actually chewing their food. The constant flow of chatter is unusual for Touya, he has to admit. He's always been more of an introvert, actually, and being around this much commotion is a bit unusual for him. Even before he left for his Pokémon journey (which would incidentally span three extra years), he was always a bit of a homebody. He would rarely have more than two people over at a time, and even then, that was almost way too much commotion.

He's come to like the company, he's found.

A lot can change in a relatively short amount of time, it seems - or is four years a long time? One year of properly gathering his badges, and three years of nonstop searching for a lost friend. In even his one year of travel, one year of knowing N as the King of Team Plasma, one year of watching Bianca decide against getting stronger, of watching Cheren train until he couldn't keep his eyes open, of watching his own Pokémon evolve and learn and overcome as many challenges as they faced... Yeah, even that one journey took quite a toll on Touya, made quite a change in him. It was those three slow years that seemed to have subtly changed him, though. He didn't used to drink coffee. He was pickier with his food. He absolutely _hated_ the idea of leaving Unova, of being in these foreign, unfamiliar lands.

He won't ever say it, but Touya owes these little things to N's disappearance. Hell, he feels like he owes all of it to N in general, racing around the region with him, even with the best of intentions and the worst of outcomes.

"Oh, there you are."

Touya turns to face N, who's smiling calmly. "Y-Yeah, I just wanted some fresh air. Spring nights like these are really nice, y'know?"

"They are very pleasant." N sits in the grass next to Touya, watching the stars twinkle and the satellites fly. "I never had the chance to see this many stars in real life as a child. I've come to really appreciate these clear nights."

Touya nods. "It's really relaxing. I-I used to come out here and sit under the sky when I got too nervous inside."

"Nervous?" N glances at him. "About what?"

Touya shrugs. "Just... everything, I-I guess. You remember how anxious I was when we first met, right?"

Pause. "I thought I was just making you uneasy."

"Well, you were, but that's because everything made me uneasy. Th-That's kinda how anxiety works."

"Ah."

Shit, that's a bit of a downer. "I-I've been handling it a lot better lately, though. You really helped me with that, you know."

"Did I?"

Touya shifts a little, starting to feel that familiar anxiety slinking up. "Y-Yeah, you know, s-since we... I mean, I-I didn't even know you at the start, but we kept running into each other, a-and, um, we..." _take a breath, relax,_ "I dunno. We were talking about some pretty intense subjects, truth and ideals and all, and I think that kinda helped coax me out of it a little."

N seems to curl in a bit. "I'm glad it helped someone."

"...are you okay?"

He sighs. "I'm well. I've just been pensive. This region holds a lot of memories for me, you know."

"I know."

The air between them is quiet. Something sloshes loudly in the waves at the edge of the small development. N is immediately darting over there.

"W-What is it?" Touya calls, hopping up to chase N. There's a moment of sheer terror in watching N run even a few yards away.

"I'm not sure," N answers, skidding to a stop at the rail. "It was just here, right...?"

Touya catches up and strains his eyes against the dark water. "I-I dunno. I thought I heard - "

Suddenly, a wave of Frillish float leisurely toward the surface. Their melodious cries bubble up to the air lazily and fill the night with a quiet lullaby. Touya could genuinely sleep right here, right now. The air is perfectly cool, the sky is shimmering, the water is glowing dimly from the bioluminescent Frillish...

"They're playing."

Touya snaps out of his daze. "What?"

"The Frillish are playing up here," N explains. "They ordinarily live five miles below sea level, but it's such a nice night that they've come to the surface. They float in a more orderly fashion when they're hunting for food, but they can sense that this is a peaceful night to visit."

N's smile is the sweetest thing. The way he looks at Pokémon has never wavered, even when he was suffering with the burden of Team Plasma. N used to have this cold, confident smile, a grin that was somehow empty and fake at first. It was only in rare moments that his smile was genuine, be it in Chargestone Cave, when he spoke to a Pokémon, or when he... left. Even that last smile was a bit sadder, almost reluctant yet so, so ready to escape. The smile in Chargestone Cave was a bit forlorn, eager for some sort of friendship that Plasma never let him have, knowing it wouldn't, couldn't last.

_Joke's on them,_ Touya thinks. _I'm still his friend._

It's in this pause in Touya's thoughts that he realizes N is humming along with the jellyfish Pokémon - well, humming over them, adding a complementary harmony to their vocalizations. The ocean swirls with their carefree loops, the water reflecting and refracting their light into little flashes of blue and pink.

...since when is N's voice so pretty?

"What are they saying now?" Touya breaks the silence. Is it just N humming that's so entrancing, or is it his voice in general?

"They're humming, mostly. Some of them are curious about us, though. 'There's visitors up there,' they keep whispering to each other." Yeah, it's his voice. N points to an iridescent blue Frillish nearer the railing. "That one is interested in you. 'I've seen you before, I've seen you.' You used to spend quite a lot of time out here before, didn't you, Touya?"

Touya's gaze is fixated on the Frillish in question, now. "Yeah. I always liked coming out here and watching the sunrise. Th-Then I would usually have to go inside and help my mom get breakfast ready. She usually got caught up trying to get the wild Purrloin to eat something. She was always worried about them not eating enough, I-I guess."

"Oh, wild Pokémon always find a way," N insists. "It's very kind of her to have taken care of them just in case, though." Pause. "She's very kind."

"I told you," Touya grins. "Really, Nuvema is just a nice, quiet town. W-We rarely get caught up in any drama. When you live in a place this small, y-you kinda have to learn to be kind to everyone."

"I can see you learned well. You've been far too kind to me." The last sentence is added with a hint of melancholy. Touya leans on the railing.

"I show people as much kindness as I think they deserve." N is quiet. Touya turns to to see N is smiling at him. "W-What?"

"I think you're overshooting a bit, in my case."

"I don't think so."

N hums and rests his arms on the railing, and the blush - no, the pink glow of Frillish is reflecting off his face, that's it. "I appreciate that, Touya."

Touya looks back at the water for a minute, until the door opening catches his attention. He turns to see Green walking back towards Route 1.

"H-Hey, Green!" Touya calls. "What's up?"

"Goin' for a walk," he answers simply, a bit curtly. Touya's phone buzzes right after.

[checking on Red. he's still there but i don't think he's feeling much better.]

{what's wrong? did i mess something up orr}

[nah ur good. p sure it's pwt freaking him out. i'll keep u posted.]

"...who are you talking to there?" N tries his best not to read over Touya's shoulder.

"Green. He's checking on Red," Touya answers quietly. "I feel bad. I-I wanna help, but..."

"I think Green can handle it. They've been friends for a very long time. I think Red trusts him."

"I hope so."

Silence. The Frillish are starting to drift away.

"...oh, Touya?" He looks at N. "Do you remember what I asked you about earlier?"

"About the dragons?"

"Y-Yes." N hesitates. "I... I'm conflicted, I suppose. Reshiram is currently in a Pokéball, and I want to let it out, but..."

"You can let it out, and I'll let Zekrom out so they can see each other - er, maybe we should go somewhere with a bit more space...?"

"That's... not exactly what I mean."

Silence. It takes N a minute to gather his thoughts.

"I've never kept a Pokémon in confinement for this long. I've continued speaking to Reshiram through it's pokéball, a-and I know it's doing just fine, but... it just feels so _wrong._ I want it to be free - a-and this isn't because of Team Plasma," N adds quickly, "it's that this is a legendary dragon that doesn't deserve confinement! If I liberate it of its pokéball, though, it's going to be more difficult to... live in society normally, I-I suppose. I don't want to lose Reshiram, but..."

Touya weighs the options for a minute, but they all seem to point to the same conclusion. "Why don't you ask Reshiram what it wants to do? I-If it really doesn't want to stay in its pokéball, maybe..."

Well, there's no good outcome, there. Either way, Reshiram will have to come and go on its own will. He doesn't want N to miss Reshiram, though...

"I suppose that's the best I can do," N sighs. "How does Zekrom feel about - well, here, give me its pokéball."

Touya goes into the inner breast pocket of his jacket, a little compartment for only his most valued items. In there is a trio of fake gym badges that Bianca, Cheren, and Touko made for him when they were kids (they had a long arts and crafts day), and Zekrom's pokéball. He passes it to N with no hesitation. There was a time he wouldn't have trusted N with anything, let alone Zekrom. He feels like N is the only person he can trust with the dragon, now.

N closes his eyes and holds the pokéball in his hands so delicately that it looks like it might fall. His lips are moving slightly, but no words are actually coming out. Is... Is he talking to Zekrom? Touya knows N can talk to Pokémon, yeah, but does that work through a pokéball? How in the world -

[Red's coming to pwt but he's really freaking out about it and idk what to do]

{what would make him feel better?} Touya replies. Green's message comes after a minute of typing.

[i mean idk. i could definitely just stick with him the whole time like i'm not opposed to that, but i wanna figure out a way to actually keep him calm yknow? cause im not gonna be in the arena with him. i think he'll just fall into the flow of the battle once he gets on a roll but i gotta make sure theres a quiet place for him to hide if he needs to.]

{ask Alder, i bet he would know. iim sorry i cant help more idk much about the pwt either}

[nah no worries. just lmk if you see him run off bc i dont want him hiding from society forever and were already off to a bad start. like i dont blame him cause this is stressful for him, social stuff has always been hard for him but im just worried yknow]

Touya glances at N, who's happily humming to Zekrom's pokéball. He's pretty worried about bringing N to the tournament too, actually. He gets that N has been moving past what Team Plasma taught him, but that doesn't mean that there's not still some residual ideology there, as evidenced by his current dilemma. N's perception of truth was wildly skewed for the sake of Plasma's ulterior motives, and that heavily influenced his distaste for Pokémon battles - and the whole "liberation" thing. Touya isn't sure how much of that N has let go of, though. He can guarantee N doesn't want Pokémon to get hurt, and he's said he objectively understands that battling is healthy for a Pokémon's development, but that's an objective understanding. As for how he feels about all of this, Touya can't say it looks favorable...

{if he gets too overwhelmed, maybe he and N can go explore Route 6 a little bit. i dunno how long N is gonna want to be there either}

[i mean he's gonna battle its just the social bit. he'd probly like to do that in the evening i bet]

{can you ask him?}

[hes sleeping now but i'll run it by him tomorrow. i'll keep you posted]

N taps Touya's arm lightly. He's handing Zekrom's pokéball back to him.

"Zekrom is very content in its pokéball," he concludes, "but only because it knows you're its trainer. I don't think it would trust anyone else very much at all."

Touya always feels honored to have befriended such an amazing Pokémon. "I'm glad."

"So..." N trails off.

"So?"

N holds out Reshiram's pokéball. "Can they see each other?"

"O-Oh, right!" Shoot, there's so much going on lately that he's struggling to keep track. For years, all he had to focus on was finding N. "L-Let's bring them up to Route 1, at least, I-I think it'll be safer for them both."

"I'm almost as excited as they are," N chimes, somehow talking even faster. "Reshiram has been very kind for traveling with me, but I can tell it's been missing Zekrom. It never specifically told me that it was feeling homesick for such a close friend friend," _homesick for such a close friend,_ "but I could hear it in Reshiram's voice. It had this bit of a melancholic tone whenever I would speak to it about you, and I always wondered if I should have just turned back and stayed with you that first time. Though," he adds more slowly, a bit guilty, "I don't think I could have convinced myself to stay at the time, given... certain circumstances."

"I understand," Touya almost whispers. "I'm just happy I found you."

They're about midway up Route 1, now. This is as good a place as any.

"You don't think they'll fight, do you?" Touya asks apprehensively. "I-I mean, you don't think they'll think this is a battle, right?"

"Even if they did, I don't think they could bring themselves to fight anyway. They've missed each other very, very much."

They have too, in fact. With that out of the way, the two of them, two friends, two heroes in some way, release the dragons of Truth and Ideals.

At first, the dragons look silently at one another, then Zekrom approaches Reshiram tentatively, almost wondering if it's okay, if this is really happening. The darker dragon flaps its wings twice and lets out a deep, somehow gentle growl; Reshiram responds with a haunting howl, gently placing its nose against Zekrom's cheek. The ethereal dragon cries lowly echo into the night, mystical and dream-like. Their wings are wrapping around each other, their faces rubbing against one another affectionately.

Touya's heart feels at ease. There's a metaphor in here somewhere - maybe more of an analogy.

"I told you they wanted to see each other, didn't I?" When did N get over here? _Wait when did he get so close -_ "It warms my heart to finally see them together again."

Their arms are almost touching. "Me too." Pause. "I'm glad you're here, N."

N smiles at him with that sweet glimmer in his eyes. "I can't ever thank you enough for not giving up on me. I'm sorry I ran away for so long."

Despite his nerves acting up, Touya hugs N. "Don't be sorry. Just be here."

N hesitates for a moment, tense and startled, but he soon relaxes and holds Touya. "I'll be here."

When Touya finally breaks away from the hug, the stars look a bit brighter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> did someone order some genuine 7am fluff bc here it is!!!! ~~featuring Red being a nervous boy~~  
>  i always kinda wondered how N's speaking to Pokémon thing works. i feel like it's a mix of physical talking, telepathy or something?, and kinda imitating the noises the Pokémon makes, depending on the situation and complexity of what he wants to say. i've also always wanted to live in a spot like Nuvema exactly for that little coastal view, this is one of my favorite towns because of that ghkfj


	15. glowing, glowing, absolutely electrifying

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's been quite awhile since N got to visit his favorite location. It's even better with his favorite person by his side.

It was Touya's idea to come out here.

N had been anxious about heading over to the Pokémon World Tournament. Yes, his ideals are a bit shifted, and the truth about the relationship between Pokémon and people is much more apparent to him than before, but... Frankly, he still gets upset seeing Pokémon getting hurt like that. Even during his battles with Touya four years ago, even hearing Samurott whispering _we can do it, I trust you_ since he was just an Oshawott, N worried, and oh does he worry. A tournament meant to be this competitive leaves much more room for Pokémon to get hurt...

Nonetheless, N has agreed to accompany Touya, because he wants to support his friend.

Supporting Touya is only half the reason he wants to come along, admittedly. Part of this is a form of self-imposed exposure therapy, to put it simply. In the years N was but a wandering vagabond, he still largely avoided any sort of confrontation. The only real battle he had with anyone was against Ghetsis, because in that moment, it was either fight or let a child die. He almost regretted his decision when he saw what happened to Reshiram, but with Rosa's help, the dragon came safely back to him, with no hard feelings; that forgiveness was a blessing, a miracle, a godsend.

That was, though, the only battle he had during his absence. He had mostly been battling Touya until he left Unova.

"H-Hey, don't get too far ahead!"

N stops in his tracks when he hears Touya. "Sorry, I-I was just excited to be here. It's been awhile."

"I understand, but it's kinda late, and I don't wanna lose you in the dark, you know?" Touya jogs to catch up to N.

"That means you too, Red!" Green calls. Red is quite a ways ahead. "Hey!"

The shadow that is Red in the distance skids to a stop and hesitantly makes his way back.

"It really is a wonderful night to be out here," N comments. "I forgot how lovely the weather is around here during the spring. I usually come to Chargestone Cave whenever I'm in the area."

"Is that why you were running ahead?" Touya asks.

"Well... maybe..." N sheepishly admits. "I didn't have a chance to come back here the last time I returned to Unova, so..."

"Why didn't you just say so?" Touya laughs. "We can head up there together."

Together, right, he and Touya are finally together again. N keeps almost forgetting that fact; no, not forgetting that he found Touya, he's forgetting that it's been so long since they've seen each other. The pace their friendship has fallen into is so calm and warm and _natural_ that he keeps forgetting this isn't the norm. Maybe it can become normal, though. This could become their everyday.

"Sheesh, Red, you're a hell of a lot faster than I remember," Green comments. Red makes some kind of gesture that N doesn't recognize. Honestly, even if it were sign language, N isn't sure he'd understand. His signing is limited to _hello, help, please,_ and _thank you._

"How far up is it, Tou?" Green asks.

"Not too far," he answers, "maybe about ten minutes or so?"

"Eleven minutes and twenty one seconds, if we're walking at your pace," N answers. "At my pace, it would be ten minutes and forty-five seconds. Red could reach it in nine minutes and sixteen seconds."

Touya is stunned for a moment. "How did you figure that out...?"

"It's a rough estimate based off the length of your stride, the meters from here to the cave entrance, and strides per second." Touya looks lost. "Is that confusing?"

"Any math is confusing to me..."

N laughs a little. "I suppose that's just my specialty."

"That's a hell of a specialty to have," Green grins. "C'mon, we're losing moonlight. Red, don't get too far ahead."

It's almost funny watching Red half-heartedly keeping pace with them; rather, he gets too far ahead and has to stop and wait. On the other hand, it's a bit sad, knowing that the other runaway is probably trying to hide again. N doesn't blame him; he was actually considering running back off himself, before he had that quiet moment with Touya, saw Reshiram and Zekrom together again. Touya's friends in Nuvema are kind enough, but he knows this legacy of _king_ is looming over him, ready to follow him for so long as Team Plasma's infamy lives on. How is he supposed to really adjust to everyday life when he has that haunting him? It would be so much easier for him to take Reshiram and run; he has Reshiram with him already.

Still, he's staying here with Touya. The dragons missed each other as much as the heroes missed one another.

"N!"

He almost trips on his own feet, and only just realizes he was rushing ahead again. He trots back to Touya's side. "Sorry, I-I-I was just - "

"Don't apologize, you're fine," Touya insists, "just watch where we are, okay?"

He sighs a bit. "I promise I am trying to, no matter how it looks."

Touya laughs lightly, this comforting, fluttering noise. "I'm sure you are. I know you're excited. This was always your favorite place to visit, right?"

"Of course!" he beams. "Formulas express electricity and its connection to Pokémon - "

"Red, get over here!"

"...but even formulas can't express such an electrifying personality." N smiles at Red, hoping to maybe comfort him. "We'll be there in another two minutes and eleven seconds."

Red pulls his hat down to hide his face. Is he really that nervous, even being out in a relatively quiet route? It is a very different environment than a mountain, but if the outside route is this quiet, he should be okay, right? At least -

"It should be rather quiet in the cave," N comments. "It's too late for anyone to be training in there, especially when there are stronger Pokémon than usual up at this hour."

"I-It's still safe to be in there, though, right?" Touya asks. N takes his wrist lightly in his hand and pulls him along.

"Oh, of course. I've spent plenty of nights in there. So long as you're respectful to the local Pokémon, even if they confront you, you can easily leave them be, and they'll be on their way. There's very few intrinsically hostile Pokémon in Chargestone Cave. The Joltik are rather curious, but aren't known to hurt anyone, and certainly not intentionally. Klink are some of the more skittish Pokémon found there, and they tend to be very docile. They'll be more likely to run away than Joltik. Oh, do watch for dust clouds, though," N cautions, "because stepping over a Drilbur will make it likely to want to attack out of self-defense. Boldore may also be hostile at times, but I've found the gentler ones in here to be actually quite relaxed. Tynamo are sometimes curious, but often keep to themselves, as do Ferroseed."

N glances over to see Touya looking rather intensely at him.

"...is something wrong, Touya?"

He's suddenly nervous. "W-What? N-No, no, e-everything is fine, I-I was just... uh... j-just following along." Gosh, that little stutter he gets is so endearing. "W-We're here, b-by the way."

N feels his heart light up, and without any hesitation he pulls Touya into the cave, letting their footfalls echo beautifully off the cavern walls. N takes a moment to stop, to listen, to hear the static jumping off the luminescent blue crystals, the soft chattering of Joltik in various little nooks and crannies, the earthy scent of such a naturally exquisite cavern.

"...I've missed this place." His voice comes as merely a whisper, barely daring to break the tranquility.

"I can tell." Touya's voice is just as soft.

N walks slowly ahead, basking in the electrons trying to push and pull him around, a gentle, electrifying pressure on his body that makes him feel present, alive. Being in caves makes him feel especially down to earth (no pun intended), but this particular network of caverns... what is it about Chargestone Cave? It feels ethereal, unearthly, yet somehow so, so real. The buzz that races through his hand when he nudges a giant sapphire crystal forward feels like heaven, the _clang_ it makes when it meets its mate an angel's trumpet.

N spends his time weaving around the various ledges, running his hands along the crystals embedded into the earth, taking in the little shocks with little repercussions. Honestly, even if the shocks hurt him, he doesn't think that would stop him from trailing his fingers along every blue shimmers in the rock face. This place is more than the beautiful harmony of electricity and Pokémon, the actualization of strings of formulas made in labs on computer screens; this is life, this is reality, this is what it means to _be_ alive, to be in this moment and absorb everything the world has to offer here. Whenever he comes here, he always feels more... what's the word? Grounded? His feet feel a little heavier, his heart beat is a little louder, his hair brushes more noticeably against his cheeks, every twitch of his fingers is amplified, and N is alive today, not yesterday, but here and now.

Before he knows it, he and Touya have meandered their way nearer the heart of the cave, a familiar little cluster of crystals where N felt the first embrace of another human in a very, very long time.

"Are you happy to be here?" Touya's voice is so gentle.

"Incredibly."

There's a warmth on N's palm that's slowly coming to his attention.

Oh, that's Touya's hand.

_Wait why am I holding his hand -_

N pulls away, feeling the heat suddenly raise tenfold to his cheeks. "I-I'm sorry, I didn't, um, I wasn't thinking and I, uh, I-I mean..." His heart is racing much faster than normal.

Touya is laughing sweetly, in good-nature. "Relax, you're alright. If I didn't want you to hold my hand, I would have said something sooner."

"O-Oh."

"It's okay." Touya holds his hand out gracefully, smiling with such gentle care _I can't do this -_

N doesn't think that was an invitation for a hug, but he pulls Touya close to him nonetheless, his heart about to beat out of his chest and his head feeling muggy from a feverish blush. About two and a half seconds pass before Touya hugs him back with a content sigh.

He's gripping Touya's jacket too tightly, but Touya is gripping his shirt with a similar force, so maybe that's okay? Was this too forward? Was this too sudden? N has been aware of these... _feelings_ since they reunited on Mount Silver, but he's still hesitant to really accept it, or even try to properly understand it. Love does work in mysterious ways, but... Is this love? What else would it be? Does he _want_ this to be love? Does that overcomplicate things? Is this some unsolvable formula doomed to shatter whatever this friendship has become, or is love the missing variable? What is this, what is this, _what is this?_ Has N ever really felt love before? Would Touya even feel the same? Is this okay?

"N?"

N attempts to pull away, assuming that's the issue, but Touya is still holding him somewhat close, too close for comfort yet nowhere near close enough. "Y-Yes?"

"It's okay."

N melts with those simple words. "Th-Thank you."

_Hey._

"I-I know it's been awhile," Touya continues, "but if, um..."

_Friend._

"If you ever..."

_Up here._

N looks up. Ferrothorn aren't native here. Ferroseed, yes, but not Ferrothorn.

_Remember me?_

"What are you looking - " Touya looks up too, only to see the metallic Pokémon staring back down at them.

_I remember you._

N's heart lights up. He recognizes this one. "Do you?"

_You came back._

"I did," he cheers, stepping closer to the Pokémon. "I know it's been a very long time, but - "

_You made him your friend._

He's either blushing again, or he never stopped. "Y-Yes, I did."

_You look happier._

"I feel happier."

Ferrothorn lets out a soft, contented hiss, lowering himself down towards N. _I'm happy too._

"I'm so happy to see that," he grins. "Sometimes I wondered how you were doing in here."

_Content. Quiet in here. I missed you._

N isn't sure how to feel about that phrase this time, this _I missed you._

"...N? I-Is everything alright?"

N runs his hand between the sharp barbs on Ferrothorn's body. "Yes, everything is fine."

_Been awhile._

"I know." N could take him home.

_It's been peaceful._

"I'm glad to hear it." He could ask Touya for a pokéball to catch him properly.

_Thank you for coming back._

"...you're very welcome. I did want to visit here again."

Somehow, though, he just can't let go of the past.

_Not coming home with you, am I?_ No answer. _Then visit again._

"I can assure you I'll be back here," N promises.

_Thank you._

"Of course."

Ferrothorn pauses pensively. _You care deeply for him._

He's definitely blushing anew. "We're very good friends."

_Yes. Friends._

"Is this one of the Pokémon you were friends with?" Touya asks. "I-I mean, I-I guess that's obvious, but - "

"He is," N nods. "I believe you battled him, in fact."

Touya suddenly looks nervous, but Pokémon have a way of sensing emotions. _Not angry._

"He's not angry with you," N insists, and Touya relaxes a little.

"Th-That's good. I was worried that - h-hey!"

Ferrothorn pushes Touya into N, and the two almost collapse on the floor as the Pokémon slinks back off into the darkness. _Come visit again._

"O-Of course!" N calls after it with an echo. He's kinda holding Touya up. Should he push him back onto his feet? Should he keep holding him? What should he do?

Touya corrects himself on his own, saving N the trouble. "W-What was that about?"

"I think he was trying to pat you on the back."

_Sorry._ Ferrothorn's whisper hisses back through the darkness.

"I-I guess he doesn't know his own strength," Touya laughs. "I'm glad you got to see an old friend."

"Me too."

He wants to focus on the moment again. He really wants to feel only the static, hear only the gentle drips of cave water, only to see the blue glow around him and the sparks flying around his head.

All he can see is Touya.

For the life of him, N can't recall exactly when Touya caught his attention like this. Was it really when they reunited? Was it a moment before then? Was it when N took his last longing glance at Touya before disappearing for years on end? Was it the first time he felt the heat of Touya's embrace against him here? Was it perhaps later than their reunion? Maybe it was when Touya swirled a lock of N's hair in his fingers, or when Touya's arm was kept steadily around N's shoulder when he was too hurt to move as freely as he can now, or when he handed N his very first Pokémon for only the sake of comforting him through a forced rehashing of his memories. Maybe it was the nights Touya stayed awake with N when the pain in his arm was too much to sleep through, or the glance he gave N when the topic of battling came up, when he wanted N to feel comfortable, safe, even in the face of the thing that N was raised to despise. Maybe it was when Touya was rubbing his back in a cramped cruise ship bathroom when seasickness overtook him, when he took N by the hand and led him into his home town, with promises that everything would be okay, when he released Zekrom into the world and into Reshiram's embrace. Maybe it was here, in this moment, in holding Touya's hand so naturally as they wandered through the shimmering earth. Maybe it was this hug, this smile, this _it's okay._

Whenever this began, N is struggling to deny this is love. His heart is racing despite itself, his head slowly becoming dizzy with confusion. He feels faint.

"Are you okay, N?" Touya's voice is like a melody.

"I'm not sure." He has to answer honestly, here. Touya could see a lie a mile away when N is this way.

"D-Do you wanna go back out, or - "

"No, no, I..." He swallows nervous. "I-I want to stay in here with you for awhile longer. Maybe we can go a little further?"

"Do you feel sick? You look like you have a fever." Shoot, not even the blue glow can hide N's blush, can it?

"I... I'm not sure." Pause. "I do want to keep exploring, though. I'm just... overthinking." That's not a lie.

"Is it about Team Plasma?"

"Y-Yes." Okay, that's a lie. "I don't want to talk about it."

Touya nods softly. "I understand. Let's keep walking."

Touya takes N's hand in his without any question at all. N feels nervous and excited all at once. Is this love? Why does it come in so many forms? Why is it contradicting itself?

"...dunno if..." Oh, is that Green's voice?

"...can't even talk." Well, that's certainly Red. Touya and N both stop for a moment, straining to hear. Touya tugs N quietly closer to the source of the noise.

"You don't have to talk, you know," Green continues a conversation N isn't supposed to hear.

"They're going to expect me to."

"Red, it's kinda common knowledge that you don't speak much. I don't think - " He stops short, but Red's words are inaudible. "Well, if they give you hell, I'll fight them myself, got it?" Pause. "I'm dead serious. I've never let anyone force you to talk before, and I'm not about to allow that now. I can and will talk enough for the both of us."

"That worked when we were kids." Maybe this is why Red is so nervous? N is sure it must be a mixture of a lot of variables, but speaking is absolutely not Red's forte.

"Yeah, and it's gonna work here," Green insists.

"We're both twenty," Red nearly whispers.

"And?"

"And you should be able to talk like a normal person when you're twenty."

"Well, I should be able to shut up, but how far have I gotten with that? Half the reason I don't do a lot of interviews is because the ones I actually have last for, like, three hours. I'll just talk about you half the time and get your stuff squared away."

"Are you sure you can?"

"You know me, Red."

There's a pause before Red speaks again. "I mean, would you want to?"

"Why wouldn't I wanna brag about having the best friend in the world?" Green asks, and Red laughs with a lightheartedness N didn't think he was capable of having. Touya tugs N along.

"I wanted to make sure they weren't arguing," Touya whispers, only raising his voice when he's sure their out of earshot. "I-I guess it's not my job to watch out for them, but... I-I dunno. I've known Green for awhile, since we're both working on the Plasma case. He can be kinda headstrong sometimes, a-and I don't think that always mixes well with Red, y'know?"

"I suppose not. I think maybe Red needs a bit of a push, though," N adds. "You did push me into coming back with you, and that's worked out marvelously."

"I-I'm sorry," he stammers, "I-I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable, I-I just - "

"I needed you." _Wait that sounds weird -_ "I needed you to... to keep me moving."

"I..." Touya seems to be contemplating his words. "I-I didn't want you to feel like I was forcing you, but..." He sighs. "I-I guess I kinda was."

"If you didn't, I wouldn't be here, a-and I would never really learn to move on, would I?"

Touya looks up at N with those pretty brown eyes. "I guess not."

N can't keep eye contact. "Besides, if you didn't bring me back to Unova, I wouldn't have been able to come back to Chargestone Cave."

"You could've come on your own."

"I wouldn't have come." Pause. "You are a neutral presence, Touya, I hope you understand that. You've always been just enough, but never too much. I truly envy your stability." Another pause. "Maybe I'm just leeching off it."

Touya shakes his head. "No, you're not. I'm sharing it with you."

N's smile comes instinctively. "I can't thank you enough."

N doesn't feel as nervous when Touya takes his hand this time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello i _really_ love Chargestone Cave and so does N  
>  N has a habit of being very lost in thought and kinda haunted by his past so any time he has a chance to feel very _in the moment_ he takes it ~~and subsequently does not realize he's holding onto Touya bc he's a dork.~~ also here's more of N talking to Pokémon in incomprehensible ways bc i still do not know how he does it  
>  also featured; Green trying to help his favorite mountain hermit stop panicking


	16. lingering, lingering, everlasting fears

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some things are difficult to unlearn, some habits die heart. N only wishes this were any easier.

N is feeling a bit ill.

Their trip to Chargestone Cave was filled with nothing but warm emotions and a lot of static electricity, which is exactly what N feels he needed in the moment. It's been too long since he's felt that calm, that alive, that _present_ in the moment. It can be difficult to feel particularly grounded when the weight of your past is always pressing down on the back of your mind. It's rare that N can have a quiet moment without lingering preoccupations of liberation and abuse and the whole circus around it swirling in his head. Being with Touya is helpful, yes; he's a soothing presence. That doesn't really force the thoughts away forever, though. Eventually, N is bound to fall back into the teachings of Team Plasma, intrusive thoughts and urges eating at the corners of his brain, desperately trying to suck the life out of him and bring him back to a time that N is so desperately running from. N is not now, nor will he ever again be, a member of Team Plasma. He just wants to forget it ever happened.

He's struggling to forget, though.

"Yeah, but I'm gonna try to hold off on using Zapdos for as long as I can," Green continues a thought to Red, who has been attentively listening, but not really replying. "I mean, you and Touya can know I have it in my arsenal, but for the most part, I'm gonna try to surprise the competition as much as I can. They prob'ly won't expect it on my main team this year. It's not my only flier in the crew, but it is my only electric user. At least you always have Pikachu on hand."

"Did we decide whether or not it would be safe for a legendary Pokémon to be used in a tournament?" N asks apprehensively. All this talk about using Zapdos in battle, almost like a tool... no, no, that's not it, stop that.

"Yeah, we figured it's fine, 'cause I did this last year," Green answers casually. "Red's bringing Articuno, anyway."

"And you're _sure_ the two will be safe even if they fight one another?"

"Yeah, Red and I have had them battle before. Nothing awful ever comes outta it."

N nods, but he's still apprehensive. He doesn't like hearing about this, the way that Green is talking about _using_ Pokémon in battle. There's not exactly a better way to say it, but it's the connotation of the word. Using Pokémon to get rich, to take over a region, using people against their own volition, their own knowledge, being used... No, no, this isn't something he wants to think about, not now, not ever, but he can't shake the thoughts from his head. Listening to Green isn't helping, but he doesn't want to distract Touya from following along...

"W-What if the Pokémon were severely hurt?"

"What do you mean?" Touya asks. N feels his hands clenching around his arms.

"I mean, if the Pokémon were to be hurt beyond the regular limits of a Pokémon battle, what would you do in that circumstance?"

"Well, that shouldn't happen if everyone's playing by the rules," Green answers quickly. "If you hurt a Pokémon that severely, the battle has to immediately end, and the opposing trainer might be in a hell of a lot of trouble for fucking up that badly. I've never had a situation where a Pokémon got so beat up that the battle had to be called off, though, and I've been in the Indigo circle since I was ten."

That's reasonable, but not comforting. "What would you do with the Pokémon?"

"Run it to the nearest emergency unit. They're never far from the arena, maybe a thirty-second sprint if you're being slow." Green looks quizzically at N. "You worried I'm gonna get into some deep shit, or what?"

"H-He's just making sure there's protocol for this kind of stuff," Touya answers before N can find his voice. "A-And that's not bad, either, that's perfectly reasonable."

"Yeah, I'm not blaming you. I'm trying to say that this kinda thing isn't common, y'know." Green looks back at N. "Listen, N."

_Oh no oh no oh no please no -_

"These are champions battling champions here, you know? That means that we all know what we're doing, we know our own limits, and we can reasonably infer the limits of the rest of the folks out on the field," Green explains a bit curtly. "I'm not about to go out there and draw blood, you know. No one is. We've been doing this for long enough that we _know_ how much is too much, okay? I dunno what Plasma taught you," _no no no_ "but the chance of something going horribly wrong is damn near zero, okay?"

N glances at Touya for any amount of comfort. Touya doesn't look too uneasy, though. Is... Is N imagining that animosity in Green's voice? Is he overthinking this? Is he panicking? _Listen, N,_ that's not a phrase he likes to hear. He's heard it before, and it's never ended very well, and he may be attributing Ghetsis's tone to Green's voice just by the power of association, just because there's a single common variable across space and time, but these are not the same people. He's aware of this; very aware, or else he would have run away again.

_Listen, N._ Still, he hates that phrase.

"I understand."

"...I don't mean to sound snippy with ya," _oh thank god,_ "but I wanna be as clear as I can about this, okay? We know what to do if there's an emergency, but there's not gonna _be_ an emergency. All this protocol stuff is here because we'd be in deep shit if we needed it and it wasn't around. We don't have emergency rooms 'cause we wanna break our bones, y'know."

That's perfectly reasonable. That's valid. That makes sense.

N still can't shake this fear.

"Th-That does make sense, yes."

Touya's hand finds its way to N's arm. "If you want, you don't have to stay for the battling if you're uncomfortable. Y-You could even run back down to Chargestone Cave, a-and I could meet back up with you there in the evening."

"I'll stay."

That's the thing, though; he does want to stay. As to whether or not he will, that's another thing entirely, but he does _want_ to stay. He wants to get used to this, get used to the norms of living in a society where people and Pokémon live together, in this world where there is no black nor white. Battles like this happen, they happen all the time, and N isn't about to ignore them for the sake of furthering his own delusions gifted to him as a child, delusions of perpetual abuse and heartache and omnipresent suffering. He wants to stay here, and watch the tournament, and come away from it knowing that, yes, things are fine, this is okay, this is normal and everyone will be safe and happy.

He wants this. He can't guarantee he'll succeed, but he'll be damned if he doesn't try.

"Touya, when is your first battle?" N looks at his friend.

"I-It's right after Cynthia's battle, a-actually. I-I think I'm battling Steven...?"

"Yeah, he's the steel-rock specialist. Have fun with that," Green adds, "'cause I dunno if you got any fire types on your side for the steel."

"I do."

"Oh yeah?"

Touya smirks a little. "You may wanna rant at me about your strategies, but I'm gonna save it for tomorrow."

Green laughs, this lighthearted sound that chips away at N's doubt. "Sneaky little bastard, huh?"

"Eh, you'll see my team soon enough. I doubt I can fight a steel specialist without using a fire type."

"What are you kids still doing up?"

N looks down to see Lance staring up at them from the arena. The four of them have been talking (three of them have been, at least) on the competitors balcony, one of two little areas set away from the rest of the audience for the contestants to better oversee the competition. N didn't realize how high up they were until he looked down to see Lance standing in the middle of the arena, dwarfed by perspective and distance.

"We're not kids, ya know," Green calls back. "What're _you_ doing up so late, old man?"

N thinks Lance is rolling his eyes, he can't quite tell from here. "I was going to do some last minute training, get everyone ready for tomorrow's battle. I've decided to use much of my prior year's team."

Green grins. "You wanna do a practice round, then? You're not gonna battle me anyway."

"What makes you so sure?"

"'cause you gotta battle Red before you can even _think_ of getting onto my side of the bracket, and he kicked your ass when he was ten."

Lance sighs. "Very well. We'll battle until one of us has two knock-outs. I didn't intend to be up too much later, anyway."

"You scared of me, or what?" Green is already on his way into the back hall and down the stairs. Lance shakes his head.

"...how are you holding up, Red?" Lance calls up.

Red gives him a half-hearted thumbs up.

"Are you sure?" N asks softly. Red shakes his head. "Do you - " Red makes a slashing motion across his throat. N isn't going to press the matter, then. He is worried about the champion, though. Even some of Touya's worst anxiety attacks weren't quite like this, weren't this long, and N isn't sure if there's anything he can do to help. He's not sure if he even _should_ do anything, since Red is much closer to Green than N.

N looks over at Touya instead. "Are you alright, too?"

"Yeah," Touya nods. "I-I'm a bit nervous - I-I mean, it's been awhile since I had competition like this, b-but I'm doing alright. Whatever happens here happens, right?"

"Alrighty, Lance," Green calls out, standing at one end of the arena, his voice echoing through the dome. "You wanna take me on, or what?"

"I would be delighted." Lance takes out an ultra ball and readies himself. That tone of voice feels dangerous.

"Tou, you wanna count us in?" Green shouts up.

"Yeah, I-I can do that." Touya half glances at N. N puts his hands on the railing. He's going to be tense enough to break his own skin if he keeps gripping his arms like that.

"Three..."

Lance takes one step back.

"Two..."

Green pulls out a simple pokéball.

"One..."

Silence. N feels his heart racing.

"Begin!"

"Dragonite, go!"

"Slowking, you're up!"

An enormous, imposing dragon, and a mysterious, wise-looking creature, at a standstill for only half a second. Lance calls the first command.

"Draco Meteor!"

"Ice Beam!"

Of course, the attack hits Slowking. The pink Pokémon takes the hit, though he already looks to be losing energy. The beam of ice pierces the air and hits the dragon.

_Got it - ow!_

_I'm okay, I'm okay._

Their voices are so clear, even through the physical roaring and the rush of noise that comes from the attacks. The cry of pain and the strain in their voices is absolutely making N have second, third, fourth thoughts about this.

"One more time!" Green calls.

_Of course, master._

"Again!"

_Right!_

This time, Slowking manages to avoid the attack, or perhaps Dragonite missed with this one. The Ice Beam hits Dragonite, though, and the creature faints with a soft parting whisper.

_I'll do better next time._

He feels the chipping paint of the railing starting to slide under his nails.

_I did it, Green!_ Such a happy voice, though.

"You didn't switch out after that Ice Beam, huh?" Green taunts. Lance scoffs.

"You lucked out, that's all. Hydreigon!"

N's breath catches in his throat.

No.

No, no, no, not this one, _please_ not Hydreigon, he doesn't like this dragon, he knows, he _knows_ this isn't the one that nearly ripped his leg off, this isn't father's Hydreigon, this is another one, a different kind of the same species, but he sees the hydra's silhouette against the violent florescent lights and the roar, _that_ roar, that awful sounds that compels every nerve in N's body to betray him and fill him with sickness and horror and -

"You're okay."

It's Touya's voice that breaks him out of this daze, and when N looks back down, the dragon is slightly weakened, now fighting against Green's Charizard. There's a flurry of flapping wings and roars, and through the gales N hears murmuring and rumbles.

_You're not as tough as you look._ It seems to be Charizard's voice, the dragon sporting a smug look, taking after his trainer.

_You'll eat those words._

Again, N tenses, because he doesn't want to hear words like that, in quite that tone. Touya's hand is on his, now.

"It's okay." He would die for Touya's voice, honestly.

"Dark pulse, now!"

"Roost!"

_Cheap,_ Hydreigon growls.

_It's legal,_ Charizard roars in protest, congealing its energy in its chest and healing itself enough to keep flying on.

"Dragon Claw, then get back over here!"

_You always know just what to do, Green._

"Draco Meteor, one more time!"

_Good choice, Lance._

There's a trust here. N wasn't exactly _not_ expecting that, not after his battles with Touya, but... He still can't manage to watch this battle, not until he hears Hydreigon roar for the last time before the digital _shing_ of a pokéball's light calls it back into confinement. He doesn't like Hydreigon. He doesn't like Hydreigon.

"Come back for now! Kingdra, go!"

"Dragon Claw!"

_Looks like Exeggutor is up next, huh?_ Wait, what -

"Surf!"

Charizard doesn't only trust Green's commands; he trusts Green to allow him to faint at just the right time. How... How? How does that make any sense? Why would a Pokémon willingly let itself pass out? Shouldn't Green have called Charizard back? This is a water type Pokémon, after all!

"What is he doing?" N asks aloud, and to his surprise, Red actually speaks, soft and almost hoarser than when they met.

"Strategizing."

Well, not much, but he does speak.

N looks at Red, as not to see the waves of claws and water collide, and there's this indescribable look in his eyes. His gaze is steadfast on Green.

N looks at Touya, now. Touya looks away with a bit of a blush. Has he been staring?

"Exeggutor, your turn!"

Charizard knew exactly what Green was going to do, then, without having to be told. That kind of bond is rare.

"Kingdra, Ice Beam!"

_Not your master's best decision to send you out._ Kingdra isn't wrong. Grass is very weak to ice.

"Sleep Powder!"

_Says who?_

Exeggutor actually survives the hit, and Sleep Powder hits Kingdra a second later. The sea dragon falls to the ground, dozing peacefully. N almost feels like this is a dirty tactic, like this shouldn't be allowed, but if this weren't a legal move, certainly it would have been banned from -

"Y'know what to do."

Green says this almost too softly for N to hear, but Exeggutor understands his command as if it were shouted to the heavens. Leaf Storm collides with Kingdra, waking it for only a moment, only for it to pass out.

_Not bad,_ Exeggutor comments.

"Not bad," Green hums. Like Pokémon, like trainer.

"You're not too bad yourself," Lance calls back, returning Kingdra to the pokéball. "Arrogant as usual, but not bad."

"Hey, is it really arrogant if you're just that good?"

"You only won 2-1, Green. Don't flatter yourself."

N lets out a breath he didn't know he was holding, lets go of the railing and finds his fingers are completely numb. This... isn't really working as well as N had hoped. He hoped that maybe listening to the Pokémon during these battles would have given him some reassurance; it did, in fact, but not enough to qualm these fears, the terror that something will go horribly wrong, that this isn't the natural way things should be, that some trainer will make one wrong step and hurt their Pokémon beyond belief, beyond repair.

...maybe he should just talk to them.

"Um, Lance?" N calls out tentatively. He still feels a little weird about Green. If he has any reason to still be annoyed with N's worrying, he doesn't want to talk to gym leader.

"Yes?"

"Can, um..." Shoot, this is awkward, it's been awhile since he actually asked to speak to anyone, "i-if you would find it acceptable, would I... may I speak to one of your Pokémon?"

Lance looks surprised, but not unwelcoming. "If you want. Come on down."

N looks at Touya immediately for reassurance, dimly realizing that this is becoming an automatic reaction. "D-Do you want me to come down, too, N?"

"Um... If you wouldn't mind."

Red trails behind the two, and while N is trying to keep his pace reasonable, he's stuttering between walking too fast and not fast enough. His head is swirling, now, stealing peeks at Touya, searching for a second of disapproval on his face, running every possible variable and outcome through his head. He would need to know if Touya is disapproving of him, know what specific behavior caused his disappointment, then he would need to pinpoint when and where and how that behavior occurs, and how to stop it as immediately as possible. Touya isn't unkind when someone disappoints him; N even tried to run away very shortly after they finally met again, while they were en route to a hospital, and Touya didn't even mention that something was wrong until after N had calmed down considerably. As to how Green handles disappointment, N isn't sure, and he's noticed that Lance can be a bit gruff, though he seems friendly enough now. Red is... Red. He's not sure what the champion would do, or how he would -

_They can't possibly be as angry as your father is._ That thought comes from somewhere deep in his subconscious.

"N?"

"I'm..." N doesn't have an answer for Touya. He simply marches on. "I-I got lost in thought."

The three of them appear in the arena seconds later. All of N's thoughts have raced through him in a time span of nineteen seconds, or so.

"Which one did you want to talk to?" Lance asks. "The only one that just battled who's still up is Hydreigon."

_No no no -_ "A-Any of the others, please."

Lance shrugs a bit and takes out a great ball. "Flygon is pretty social. I'm sure she'd like to meet someone new, even at this hour."

The insect-like dragon appears out of her Pokéball, her wings flapping wildly enough to make a loud buzzing sort of noise. The two antennae on her head perk up and twitch in the air, no doubt searching for a reason to be out.

_"Gon?" What?_

"Flygon, this is N," Lance says. "He wanted to meet someone on my team."

The Pokémon looks at N and emits a low buzz. _Hello!_

"Hello to you, too," N smiles.

_Battle?_

"No, not now," though N doesn't ever intend to battle such a sweet creature.

_Play!_ She swirls in circles around N. He mimics her buzzing as best he can.

_Trainer?_ he asks.

_Him! Lance! Very strong, good trainer, nice man. Likes use Draco Meteor._

N smiles at Flygon. "I can tell. That seems to be a staple of his."

_Staple, yes, dragon types, all of us. All friends! Battle together!_

"Do you like that?" He's careful not to give too much of the conversation away, lest everyone get annoyed with him.

_Yes, yes! Work well together. Good friends, all us. Like double battles!_ Flygon lands next to N and sniffs at his hair. _Soft._

"Yes, I suppose it is," he laughs a little. "Are those more fun than regular ones?"

"What are you talking about?" N thinks that's Lance, but he's not really paying attention.

_Yes, fun! Like battle with friends. Friend Hydreigon and me work well together. Use Earthquake and he doesn't get hit, in the air. Protects when I'm Solar Beam! Kind friend, like all my friends._

Hydreigon again. It's really unusual, hearing about a kind Hydreigon. He's only ever known the one.

_"Flygon?"_ _Unwell?_ The dragon nuzzles his cheek, tickling him a bit. _Here, here! Smile more! Happy friend!_

N can't contain his laughter. "Stop that!"

_"Flyyy!" Happy friend!_

"Seems like she likes you," Lance notes.

"Pretty much any Pokémon N meets likes him," Touya adds. "H-He kinda has a knack for them."

N carefully holds Flygon's face in one hand, and he buzzes softly to it, in a language only they can speak. _Do you trust Lance?_

Flygon looks perplexed. _Of course! My trainer. Trust him always. Why not?_

_Just curious._ N doesn't know why he expected any other answer. If there's one thing Touya taught him, it's that N was wrong in all the right ways.

_Strange friend! Like this friend!_ Flygon nudges N again, then zips over to Lance. _Thank you for friend!_

"I'm glad you're - h-hey, don't lick me!" Lance tries to push away, but he's no match for a 6'7" dragon.

Maybe this is the natural state of things, N decides, because there's no other reason Flygon would now be nuzzling against her trainer's cheek.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ~~i'm editing this at 7;45am after not having slept tonight but here~~  
>  N gets to watch his first battle of the tournament (practice battle, but still)! does it go well? well it goes better than it could've went!  
> fun fact; while some of the champions are gonna use their bw2 pwt teams, i'm switching up some of the pokémon for the others for fun/variety. i have a note on my computer with all the movesets and i keep having like 20 tabs open to try and write these battle scenes so hopefully these go over decently ;u;  
> also featured today is N's trauma, this boy deserved better someone give him a hug ~~@ Touya~~


	17. bustling, bustling, quite the crowd here

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Green is definitely ready to be at the Pokémon World Tournament. Red is definitely not.

He looks way beyond uneasy.

Green is desperately trying to get Red to keep moving, and while that is working, Red looks like he's about to get sick. Green isn't unaccustomed to having to take care of Red in this state, but that never makes it any easier. He's - well, he wouldn't say he's as worried about Red as Red is about the whole situation here, but he's pretty damn concerned. Red gets this glazed over look in his eyes when he's losing touch, when there's too much of a crowd, when he's either about to bolt or slip so far out of his mind that he's completely unresponsive. Even when Red manages to keep up a string of replies (which come only in the form of nodding or shaking his head, no more than that), he's often impossible to really reach beyond that autopilot. There have been instances when Red can't even recall what happened in a span of several hours.

_Dissociation,_ he called it. Green doesn't fully understand, but he doesn't like it.

That's about the look Red has in his eyes right now, a dangerous sort of weight hanging around his neck and in his head, this hazy air about him that Green could cut through with a knife. Red is on the brink of completely panicking and running off, and while Green doesn't want to ever, ever lose Red again, he wouldn't even blame him in this scenario. Maybe -

"Red?"

Red doesn't even flinch, but his eyes freeze over with this silent terror that Green hates seeing. Seems like Cynthia found them, huh?

_(Hello.)_ Oh my god, was that a wave or did he manage to sign something? Even in this state, he actually managed a proper response?

"Oh, I was wondering if I would see you, here," Cynthia beams with a warm look. "I saw the two of us are the first up on the roster, so I was trying to see if I could track you down."

_Track you down_ is the phase that scares Red. Green wants to let Red manage on his own, but that's not happening today. It's way too early for that.

"Well, you gotta come down for some nice weather every once in awhile, don't ya?" Green remarks, keeping up this smug facade, trying to act like everything is normal for Red's sake. "So you're Cynthia, huh? The name's Green, I don't think we ever properly met. What kinda team you got this year?"

"Oh, nothing too out of the ordinary - though I _did_ bring an old friend you may not recognize," she hints. "I'm glad to meet you."

"Trust me, I bet we all got _somethin'_ up our sleeves."

"While I don't doubt that, I don't think _some_ of us - " she glances at Red, and he almost jumps, " - really need the element of surprise, huh?"

_(No.)_ He hesitates, but he does continue, oh my god he's actually communicating! _(Surprises happen sometimes.)_

"Surprises happen sometimes, he says," Green translates. "Dunno how much sign language you know."

"Oh, only a little, but I'm sure Sinnoh's dialect is a bit different," she admits. "In that case, I'm assuming you're prepared for our battle? I want you to know I'm not going to go easy on you."

_(Don't.)_

"Don't. Besides," Green adds as an aside, "goin' easy on Red's just an easy out for _you,_ y'know."

"We'll see how this plays out, then." With that, she waves and wanders off to meet more competition and visitors alike. Green beams at Red.

"You're actually interacting with people."

_(Trying to.)_

"You're doing great, you know. I'm proud of you."

Red smiles for the briefest second, before someone else comes along.

Much of the morning goes this way, with Red managing to sign a few sentences, no more than ten words per person they meet, but it's the best Red has ever done in a crowd. Maybe that's something that comes with growing up, willing yourself to walk with your fears in your back pocket rather than wearing them like mask all the time.

About fifteen minutes in, though, Green can hear reporters in the distance, and as soon as he hears them he feels Red's steps become more forced, feels him drifting away from the sound.

"You okay?"

Red looks at him with these glazed eyes, without any trace of proper recognition.

"Hey, Green, Red!"

Oh shit, now's not the time, but at least they know Alder already.

"How's it going?" Green waves. Red actually pulls away from Green.

"Oh, it's going," Alder laughs. "It's a zoo out here. The news casters over there are talking to a bunch of the audience members and going over the rosters, and I got a little caught up in it. I was trying to head over here to see what you were up to."

Red seems frozen. "We're just walkin' around. We met Cynthia earlier, so that was nice. I didn't get to see her battle last year, 'cause she was always battling right before me. Kinda poor timing, if you ask me, right, Red?"

Red does nod in response, but he's staring off into space - no, maybe fixated on the reporters' truck over there, Green can't tell.

"So you met your competition, then?" Alder takes an acceptable step towards Red, but there's a sudden flicker of panic in his eyes, and he almost runs behind Green before catching himself, skidding to a stop on the pavement. The nod is delayed. "What did you think of her? She's quite the talk of the town, you know. She changed the team she uses for her League after she decided she was going too hard on everyone. A pretty young kid ended up finally beating her after many years, I heard."

Red isn't responding anymore.

"Was she the same girl who went into all the Sinnoh Contests and swept the floor with them?" Green asks, taking one small step toward Red. No reaction.

"I think so. I'd like to try out a Contest one of these days. They seem like they could be fun - but I wonder if maybe I'm too old for that kind of thing," he chuckles.

"Hey, you're never too old to try something new." Green subtly places his index and middle finger on Red's wrist for a moment, and in even the split second it takes for Red to jerk away, Green can tell his heart is racing way too fast, can tell Red isn't even sure who's around him anymore.

"You have a point - but it's a bit easier to say that at your age."

"Well, I say go for it. Touya got his first Pokémon when he was sixteen, right?"

"You got me there. Speaking of which," Alder looks off toward the action, "I oughta find him and see how he's doing. I should be able to battle him if he's participating."

"I'm pretty sure he said he was gonna back when we were in Nuvema."

"Oh, you visited Nuvema? How did you two like it?"

_You two,_ as if Red managed to come with them. "It's really nice out there, real quiet."

He notices Red's fingernails digging into the palm of his glove. This is bad.

"I'd stay a bit longer," Green starts quickly, but hopefully not too frantically, "but I'm gonna bounce for now. There's someone in particular I was lookin' for."

That's a bullshit excuse, and Alder probably knows it, but he doesn't press the matter. "I'll go find Touya, then. You take care of each other!"

Oh, he's certainly trying.

"You take care, yeah." Green looks at Red, who's still frozen. "You okay?"

No motion. Green tugs Red a little, but the blank look in his eyes doesn't falter.

"Hey, you're fine," Green whispers loud enough only for Red, under the commotion. "Hey, do you wanna go find Lance? He's gotta be around here somewhere."

Red looks at Green when he hears Lance's name, but he doesn't seem lucid otherwise.

"...you wanna sit down somewhere?"

No answer. Green nervously pulls Red as far out to the edge of the crowd as he can.

"Hey, you in there?"

No answer.

"Look at me, Red."

No movement.

"Red?"

Oh no.

"C'mon, Red, gimme something."

Nothing. Green pulls Red further off into the quiet, until they're standing at the end of the nearby pier.

"Hey."

Red manages to look up, but the motion is jerky, a broken doll straining against its joints.

"Can you hear me?"

He's not even sure if Red is breathing. He puts his fingers on Red's neck this time; he's surprised he hasn't had a literal heart attack at this point.

"I need you to do something to answer me, Red," Green hums as softly as he can, his voice almost muffled by the sound of the ocean. "Are you okay in there?"

Red looks down, eyes wide, at his shaking hands. Green takes Red's hands in his own.

"You're okay, Red. I'm gonna keep you safe, okay?"

No answer.

"Red, please..."

"Hey, Red!"

"Reeeeeed!"

Something that could almost be called a noise comes from Red, a response at last, but in the brief second that Green doesn't recognize the voices, he fears the absolute worst.

In the moment it takes for the shouts to travel through the space, two smaller trainers have run full-force towards the duo, Red has stepped off to the side, and now Green is on the ground under their weight.

"I don't get paid enough to babysit you two! Get off me!"

"Shoot, how does he always get away?"

"Get over here!"

This is very normal behavior for Lyra and Ethan, _the Johto twins,_ as he and Red have come to call them. Green prefers to call them _a couple of nightmares_ whenever he can.

" _Please_ let go of me, Lyra, I don't wanna be on the ground all day."

The pigtailed girl hops off him and onto her feet. "I wouldn't have tackled you if _someone_ didn't move outta the way!"

"Well, maybe _someone_ doesn't wanna get tacked, Lyra!" Two sets of footsteps are running circles around him. "Ethan, quit chasing him! That's not safe to do on a dock over the literal _ocean!"_ Or when Red is just coming out of that trance-like state, for that matter.

"You're not my dad!"

"I may as well be! I'm the one who has to take care of you little brats half the time!"

Red is staring to smile a bit, okay, good, that's good. Ethan is still pouting. "Why won't you let me hug you, Red?!"

_(Tackle.)_ Red is even signing again. He snapped out of it, he's here.

"It's not a tackle, it's a hug!" Ethan shouts.

Green stands up and sees Touya and N rushing over. Perfect, now he and Red have a posse of people Red is familiar enough with to not be in a blind panic. This was a shorter round of terror than Green usually has to work with, thankfully. "Y'all found us quick, huh?"

"It was kinda hard to miss you with all the yelling," Touya answers. "What's - "

"Gimme my hat back!" Red has Ethan's hat.

"Ha! He knows you can't jump high enough to - h-hey!" Now he has Lyra's hat, too. Why doesn't Green just leave Red in charge of these two? It looks like he amuses them enough to keep them out of trouble.

"...what did I just walk in on?" Touya looks tired just watching the three of them.

"The Johto twins doing what they do," Green sighs. "This is just kinda how they are."

"Is Red going to participate, then," N asks, "or is he just accompanying you?"

"Yeah, he's going up against Cynthia at noon." They still have an hour to kill though. "We're probably going to head inside in a bit to - "

Red places Lyra's hat on Green's head. This absolutely does not suit him.

"Red, I don't want this."

_(It's yours now.)_

"No, take it back." Red sidesteps Green's attempt to return the hat. "Lyra, take it."

"Yay!"

Red pouts. _(Rude.)_

"Nah, that's not rude." In the two seconds it takes to say that, Green now has Red _and_ Ethan's hats. " _This_ is rude."

"H-Hey, give that back!" Ethan jumps for his hat. "You know I'm _definitely_ not tall enough to get it back from you!"

"Well, you should'a thought about that before you tackled me, Eth."

"It's not _my_ fault you can't hold a little weight," he pouts.

"You two aren't so little when you're both taking a running start at - _ow!"_

As if on cue, Pikachu is out. The little mouse zaps Green just by rubbing on him and takes the hat back in his mouth, returning it safely to Red.

"S-So, um," Touya cuts into the action, looking at the twins, "are either of you two going to battle?"

"Ethan is!" Lyra answers. "I just came along for the ride as a plus one. Silver's our plus two, but I dunno where he went."

"He followed Lance," Ethan informs her. "I think he's trying to figure out some battling tips from him."

"Oh, Tou, did you ever meet these two? That one's Lyra, and this one is Ethan," Green punctuates his introduction by placing Ethan's cap back on his head.

"Nice to meet you!" Ethan beams. "Aren't you the guy who was the Unova Champion before Rosa was, back when Team Plasma first started doing stuff?"

"Y-Yeah, I'm Touya." The Unovan looks a bit uncomfortable, either with Ethan's mention of Team Plasma around N, or maybe just with the crowd. He's holding the strap of his bag with a bit of a death grip right now.

"Cool! Maybe we can battle sometime! I dunno if I'll get to battle you this time, 'cause you're on Red's side of the bracket, and Green usually whoops me whenever we battle," he pouts. "Maybe we can do something on the side! I wanna see what it's like battling a Unova-exclusive team!"

"Y-Yeah, sure," he answers as pleasantly as he can. His eyes are darting around a bit, though. Red saves him by taking Ethan's hat _again._

"Reeeeed! That's not fair!"

Green waits for the kids to start chasing Red in circles before speaking to Touya. "You freakin' out a little over there?"

"W-What? N-No, I'm fine."

"You sure? 'cause you got that deer in headlights look on ya."

"I-I was wondering the same thing," N adds hesitantly, "but I didn't want to make you more aware of it if you were already nervous."

Oh. Fair point.

"I-I just don't do well in crowds," Touya sighs. "That's why I was looking for you and Red. I figured you'd be in a bit of a quieter spot."

"Yeah, we had a... a bit of a bad time, so I took Red out here," Green recounts a bit vaguely. "Red's been kinda a haze 'til these two showed up. He managed to sign to some folks, though."

"Is that good?" N asks, and Green feels proud of Red all over again.

"He used to only respond with nodding or shaking his head, at best. I mean, he didn't know much sign language when he was younger, but he should'a known enough to get by a bit better than he did. He's doing surprisingly well for himself, you know? He kinda lost it near the end, but the fact that he got anywhere is amazing. He's been away for awhile, too, so... I think it helped that he was at the rescue center on Mount Silver for a bit before he - "

"Someone call me?"

Speak of the devil. "Nah, just your mountain namesake. How're you holding up, Silver?"

Silver sighs in the way that he does when everything is annoying _and_ overwhelming. "I didn't even ask to come along. Those two," he jabs a thumb in the direction of his two friends, "just told me they were going on a trip and dragged me along. It's not like I'm even competing."

Red rushes up next to Green and puts Ethan's hat on his head this time, and Green passes it back off again. "Well, it'll at least be fun to watch. Maybe you kids can look around the region before you head home, as long as you don't burn the place down."

"Would a small group of friends cause that much trouble?" N asks. Silver shoots him a bit of a glare; he doesn't mean anything by it, but _irritated_ is just his default state. It helps that he can at least monitor his tone of voice better than when he was younger.

"You could leave Ethan alone in a classroom and come back to it covered in ashes. Leave Lyra in the same spot, and the school burns down. I'm the only one keeping them from unleashing hell." Silver pauses and looks curiously at N. "You look familiar."

N also looks curious - not worried, thank god, the last thing Green needs is three people on the edge of a panic attack. "Perhaps we've met?"

"You had that white dragon, didn't you?"

"W-Wait, you met before?" Touya is understandably shocked.

"I met a variety of people during my travels," N replies. _Travels,_ as if he didn't run away for three years.

"Guess you finally decided to head home?" Silver asks, and N nods. "Good. Being a stray's no fun."

That one little line hits Green like a truck because _holy shit why do I know so many people who ran away from home?_

"Green! Red keeps stealing my hat!" Lyra shouts.

"Maybe you shouldn't be chasing him around!" Red is at Green's side again, hiding a little behind him.

"But I want a hug, damnit! Is that too much to ask?"

_(Actually, yes.)_

"Yeah, actually," Green answers for himself, too. He's the only one who's allowed to hug Red.

_Wait what -_

"Can I at least have my hat back if I stop chasing you?" Lyra asks, and Red passes it back off.

"You're gonna regret that," Silver mutters. Red shrugs. "Your grave, not mine."

"Aww, SIlvey's just jealous that _he_ doesn't get a hat," Ethan teases. Silver flushes at the nickname, as per usual.

"I don't need a stupid hat!"

"Well," Green snags Red's again, "you could always borrow this one." Red attempts to close the five inches Green has on him for his hat, _fuck that's cute,_ and Green can't really resist putting it back on his head and pulling him into a side hug again. "I'm so glad I can still do that, Red."

"He might catch up to you, you know," Touya warns.

"Yeah, he's not gonna get any taller than this," Green coos. Red shoots a glare at him.

"You and me both," Silver mumbles to Red before yanking away from Ethan. "And stop trying to get me in a death hug, you idiot!"

"Well, someone's gotta hug you when you're grumpy!"

"I'd be less _grumpy_ if you'd stop hugging me!"

"Come back here!"

Touya and Red exchange a glance. _(This is normal.)_

"Yeah, very normal," Green sighs. "I told you about those three at some point, Tou, right?"

"I-I think so, b-but I didn't know they were so..."

"Lively?" N offers.

"Uncontrollable, too." Green's phone pings with a short message from Lance.

[I'm going in to finish sorting my team and find a spot on one of the balconies. Is Red coming?]

Of course he'd only ask about Red. {yeah we'll be in when the johto twins stop menacing him}

[So he's competing after all?]

{yeah. besides he met Cynthia i doubt he'll wanna back out now}

[I'm looking forward to it. See you soon. - L]

"You don't gotta sign your texts," Green mutters and looks up to see all four of them racing around each other. "Hey, Red? You wanna head in and get your team sorted?"

The flurry of running stops when Green says that, as if he pulled a plug on the action. _(I know who I'm using.)_

"Yeah, but you'll wanna make sure they're all set to go, right?" He really, really, _really_ hopes that talking about this isn't giving Red second thoughts about the tournament. His expression is stoic again.

_(Sure.)_

"Oh, can we come with you? Pleeease?" Ethan begs. "I'm totally gonna get lost trying to find my way in on my own!"

"Yeah, Ethan can't read a map," Lyra snickers.

"Well, Azumarill ate yours _again,_ so there!" He sticks his tongue out at his twin.

"Yeah, how 'bout we all go in? You good with that?" Green looks at Touya and N.

"Y-Yeah, now's as good a time as any." He looks at N with this quiet concern that he seems to carry about him, worried yet nurturing. "Are you ready?"

"I think so." Yeah, N didn't seem too thrilled during Green's practice round with Lance. He can't expect someone who advocated for Pokémon liberation to be all the way on board yet, though.

"Red, c'mon!" Red is still, though, shit no _come on_ _don't do this -_

Green walks over to Red and puts his arm around the shorter champion again. This seems to either wake him up or encourage him to keep moving. "We gotta get in there eventually, y'know?"

_I know,_ Red gestures in his own little language. _I'm scared._

"You'll be fine, okay? Trust your instincts, they've never led you wrong. You got nothing to be nervous about."

Red leans into Green just a little, for just a moment, but that makes Green's heart jump more than any battle he's ever faced.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> otherwise known as _filler chapter where we meet a bunch of anxiety and hats_  
>  honestly i kinda wanted to write in some more characters even if only for a little bit, and Red's reaction to this many people as Green sees it. Green's thoughts as of now are _welp it's time to be protective of my friend so he doesn't get too scared or just decide to run away again_  
>  ~~admittedly Red's panic attacks are kinda based on my experiences of just going blank, kinda freezing up until something familiar/comforting enough comes up and snaps me out of it ghjfkd~~  
>  also featuring the Johto kids! they're a handful and Green is right, he does not get paid enough to watch over them. i wanna write a offshoot of these dorks ~~wreaking havoc~~ having fun in Unova at some point  
>  sidenote; i'm getting ready to go to a convention soon, so if the updates start coming slower that's why, i'm preparing stuff kinda last minute ;u;


	18. battle, battle, fall into the flow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Green knows Red is nervous to be in this much company. Somehow, that doesn't seem to hinder his rival in the slightest.

The champion is understandably nervous, though he doesn't expect anyone else to fully understand.

Green isn't one to brag about Red, because he knows it makes his friend nervous, but he knows in his heart that there's only the slimmest of chances that Red is going to lose the tournament. While everyone _thinks_ they know what Red is about, rarely does anyone battle him with a full understanding of what they're about to face off against. To date, only he and Crystal have ever come close to beating Red, both with a 1-0 loss to the champion. Green would go so far as to say Crystal actually had more of a chance at winning; she's this silent prodigy, really. She could be famous, if not for Red dissuading her from fame when she was younger. _It ruins you when you're this young,_ he said, and no one can blame him for thinking that way.

Still, Red is nervous. Green knows it's been awhile since Red battled in front of an audience, and he knows even more that it's been awhile since Red had to battle for his position as a champion. He's pretty sure Red is going to switch up his usual team, as not to give anyone any ideas, to keep his championship strategies a secret to all but those who properly challenge him. Green wouldn't be too surprised if Red refused to defend his title unless he were on that damn mountain, honestly. The further away from civilization, the more steady Red seems to be.

This is why Red is shaking right now, and this is why Green is worried. There's every chance that Red is going to completely blank out, freeze up, or disappear right before his first battle. Green is way more worried about the attention that last thing would garner than a potential loss, because running away is a much more likely (though not favorable) outcome than anything. He looked like he was about to bolt earlier, and while Green was worried for Red in that moment, he's terrified that he might have lost him in hindsight.

"You about ready, Red?" Green asks. Red nods as he finishes sorting through his PC. "You're gonna head out in a few minutes, right?"

"Right."

"...you holding up okay?"

"As well as I can." That's... not great, but it's better than he could be doing.

"You got everyone you need?" Red nods at Green. "Who's on this team?"

"Charizard, Alakazam, Articuno, Pikachu, Aerodactyl, Gengar."

That makes Green raise an eyebrow, because that's even more different than he expected. "Only two of your usual team? And you're sure about bringing out Articuno?"

"Yes and yes." Red's voice is low.

"You're speaking so quietly I can barely hear you." No answer. "Is this about the crowd?" No answer. "More about the champion thing?"

"Yeah." His voice is nearly gone, now.

"You're gonna do fine, Red, okay? Just keep your head up." Red nods softly. "Alright. I'm heading back to the viewing balcony. I'll be up against Wallace soon, so if you're getting anxious at all, come back here and call me - or you can talk to Espeon, got it? Either way, I'll get back to you as soon as possible."

Red nods, almost solemn. With that, he tips his hat up a little bit and heads towards the arena. He's gonna tip that hat back down the second they're about to start their battle, Green is sure of it. That's always been a little nervous habit of his, Green reminisces. It's funny that people seem to think it's a sign of being "cool" or "mysterious" when it's really just a comfort mechanism, just hiding his face to feel a bit more sheltered on the field.

He doesn't expect anyone else to understand, though. When you grow up with someone like Red, you get to know him better than anyone.

"Did you get your team ready, Green?" Lyra asks, grinning eat to ear. She's certainly excited.

"Yup," he answers and leans on the railing. "This is gonna be a fun one to watch. I haven't seen Red battle anyone but you kids and Crys in quite a while."

"Has he not had any challengers?" Touya asks, confused. "I'd think there's a lot of people who wanna battle him."

"Oh, there are, but I haven't seen those battles, and they're rarely anything to really glance at anyway," he replies. "If there was ever a battle worth talking about, Red would tell me, and these kids and Crystal are about all he ever mentioned." That's all that's excited Red in eight years. That's actually pretty sad.

"Battles like this aren't entirely foreign to him, though, are they?" N asks. Green tries to spot Red from up here, but it's still too early for him to be in his waiting gate.

"Yes, and no," he answers. "Red battles only the best of the best, y'know. You gotta get through the Indigo League twice, basically. You usually need to get all your Kanto badges, beat the league, go back for the Johto badges, beat the league at a higher combat level, beat _my_ team again, and _then_ you can look for Red. I'm kinda the last guy you have to face before you get to Red, and while people have been able to beat me, it's pretty rare. The only ones he faces off against are supposedly a hell of a match, but..." Green trails off. Red hasn't actually mentioned any of the anonymous battle veterans or ace trainers that he's faced off against. "He doesn't think too much of them."

"So, there's the _yes,_ " Silver comments. "Where's the _no_ part of that?"

"Red's never entered a tournament like this. The last time he had a big formal battle was against the Indigo League, then he... kinda ran off for a little while." Green tries his best to downplay that. He doesn't want to dwell. "How'd you and Lyra get up here if you're not battling, anyway?"

"I snuck them up," Ethan answers proudly. "I wanted them to be able to watch my battle, especially against you, Green."

He smirks a bit at the kid. "You think you're gonna win, do you?"

"I'm gonna try!" This kid has a heart of gold and diamond-hard determination.

"Ladies and gentlemen!" a booming voice calls over the intercom, overpowering even the cheers throughout the stadium. "Welcome to the annual Pokémon World Tournament!"

Ecstatic cries electrify the air around them. They're going to announce who's fighting who first, where the brackets will lead, then it's right into the first battle. Green tries to squint against the raging lights to see if he can spot Red in the waiting gate this time, but he's still nowhere to be found.

A fear shoots through Green that he's been trying not to focus on; _Red had better not bail._

"Red is up first, right?" Ethan asks, hopping onto the rail next to Green. "Who's he battling?"

"The Sinnoh Champion, Cynthia."

"Nice." Ethan pauses. "You look nervous, Green."

"I'm a little worried about him, that's all. And get off that railing," Green tugs the back of Ethan's jacket and pulls his feet back to the floor. "You're gonna get your head busted open."

"You're not worried about him losing, are you?" Touya asks. "Isn't he - "

"No, no, never that," Green answers quickly. "It's just been forever since he's had an audience. I don't want him to choke out there."

Touya nods. "Honestly, I-I'm a bit worried about that, too. Battling for a champion position isn't as harrowing as any kind of audience, right?"

"Yeah, I hear you." Green doesn't even have stage fright, but the first moments of a battle in this setting are always a bit harrowing.

At some point, there must have been an announcement. Cynthia walks from the far gate onto the field, looking rather confident; level-headed, though not arrogant.

"And on the right," _oh don't say it,_ "Pokémon League Champion Red!"

Okay, good, just _League Champion_. Not _World Champion_ or anything like that. Nothing that'll freak him out too much.

There's half a second of hesitation before Red walks out onto the field, hat tilted down, with a more steady gait than his usual trot. It's weird, seeing him without his trusty Pikachu on his shoulder. Maybe that's why he already seems a little sick to his stomach. That poker face can fool anyone but the people who know him the best.

"You think he's gonna be okay?" Silver asks quietly. Green shrugs.

"Hope so."

"To remind everyone of the rules," the voice booms again, "no healing items. The battle continues until one trainer is out of Pokémon. After each victory, the trainer is given time to heal their Pokémon before the next battle. Each loser of each battle will have a minor-league bracket. The winners will battle for the final victory!" Couldn't they have done this before Red had to be in the spotlight? The cheers sound a hell of a lot louder when your best friend is nearly paralyzed below you. He'd better be able to move. He _needs_ to be able to move. He has to... right?

"Three!"

Cynthia pulls out one of her pokéballs. Red is still.

"Two!"

No movement.

"One!"

Red reaches for Pikachu, probably. There's a tense pause.

"Begin!"

"Garchomp, go!" Cynthia releases the dragon, appearing from a flash of red light with a roar. Pikachu is sent out against a ground-type. "Earthquake!"

One short, dropping whistle replies, then a long, trilling whistle. Translation: _dodge, Iron Tail._

Red and Pikachu have this sort of game they play, where he sends the electric mouse out against a ground type, dodges a move, then uses Iron Tail. That does a surprising amount of damage off the bat, and it startles the opponent, because they're generally not expecting a Pikachu to be able to hold his own against a ground type of any kind. Steel has regular effectiveness here, but the goal isn't a super-effective attack just yet; it's getting Cynthia off-kilter.

She does look startled, at least. "Earthquake, again!"

Red calls Pikachu back before she can finish the command, and sends out Aerodactyl. It takes the ticker a second to register Red's switch. That's gonna happen a lot.

As it were, Aerodactyl isn't effected by ground moves.

"Stone edge, go!"

 _Twee~t,_ a wavering sound, punctuated by a harsh cut. _Ice Fang._

There's a flurry of motion and a cacophony of roaring, dust swirling, then the two dinosaurs part. Red has darted inward and to the left side of the arena during the scuffle.

"W-What is he doing? He's gonna get hit by something!" Touya nervously eyes Red.

"Nah, that's just what he does." Green smiles.

"Is he insane?"

"He knows what he's doing."

The fear has completely melted away. Red has that steady look in his eyes, the kind of look that Green can really trust; determined, focused, the rest of the world is outside of him and falling away faster than an avalanche.

Garchomp is now on medium health. Aerodactyl is at decent health.

One low whistle. _Again._

"Come back, Garchomp," and the dragon disappears. "Glaceon, Ice Beam!"

Glaceon takes the hit, and Aerodactyl survives his, and then he's back in his pokéball. For half a moment, Gengar is released, and an almost haunting melody of whistles spells out _Will-O-Wisp, Hex._

"How do they know what he's saying?" N asks, honestly astonished. Green laughs a little.

"He trains these guys well, that's all."

"That's... amazing," Touya hums. He may or may not be realizing exactly what he might be up against.

"Dodge it, Glaceon! Ice beam!"

The ice cat does dodge the first attack, weakening Hex's power. The ticker changes to Gengar right as Red switches him out after a hit. A cloud of dust kicks up, and Red is missing in the scuffle, but Green can hear his whistle echoing from the middle of the arena over to the right; _Fire Blast,_ it seems, and Glaceon is totally down for the count. Cynthia calls her back.

"Lucario!"

Charizard appears on the ticker, but then Charizard is gone. Gengar is back. _Will-O-Wisp, Hex._

"Dark pulse!"

Gengar takes the hit, but Lucario is now burned.

"Again!"

_Dodge._

The dodge is flawless, and Hex hits it's target. Gengar is gone again, Charizard is back, _Focus Blast,_ and Lucario is unconscious. Gengar is back. This flurry of action is just like Red, really. It's even more entrancing to watch the chaos unfold in a snowstorm, though, he has to admit.

The score is in Red's favor, 6-4. Cynthia almost looks mad - maybe just surprised.

"How - okay, Togekiss! Shadow Ball!"

 _Shoot._ It's not a command, but this little startled expression on Red's face. Gengar's health is getting low. He's called back, Pikachu is out again, _Volt Tackle - double._

"Aura Sphere, then return!" One of Pikachu's Volt Tackles get in before she can call Togekiss back, at particularly low health.

"He's... really giving her a run for her money," N muses a bit quietly. Green nods.

"Yeah. He does that. I kinda get the sense she thought this'd be a more even match." Watching Red is always mesmerizing.

Red ends up on the back right side of the ring, panting a little, trying to find the best possible opening he can get to so he can see _exactly_ what's going on. He acts not just on move sets or type effectiveness, but on where there's room to dodge from and how much time he has before one Pokémon's attack hits the other. Timing and opportunity are key. It's one thing to call out attacks. It's another to care enough to keep your Pokémon from getting its ass handed to it.

"Roserade!"

Pikachu is called back. Alakazam is out, now. _Psychic._

Roserade takes the hit, though it comes at a price. "Sleep powder!"

Alakazam is asleep. Cynthia finally has the upper hand. Something compels Red not to call him back. "Use Shadow Ball!"

And now Red looks like he knows he fucked up. A familiar, sweet melody fills the air. Alakazam wakes up between the whistle and the hit. His health is already getting low. There's a low, gently undulating whistle this time; Green doesn't recognize that one, though.

A wave of ice and snow hits the Roserade. She's out.

"Hidden power, huh?" Ethan is standing on the rail by Green again.

"Looks like." Red _is_ pretty strategic, isn't he? Green tends to overlook that, sometimes.

"Togekiss, you're up! Shadow Ball!"

Red glances at Alakazam, a curious sort of look, and the psychic type nods. _Hidden Power,_ but the move doesn't hit Togekiss in time, and Alakazam is down for the count.

Green looks at the score board. 5-3, in Red's favor, with Cynthia's crowd in lower health than his. His team's evasiveness is one of their specialities, it seems. The other reason Red is so far ahead is because he's been able to anticipate everyone's next move. His instincts rarely lead him wrong.

Pikachu is on the field again, and a swiftly timed Volt Tackle (Red didn't even make a noise) knocks Togekiss out of the water. 5-2.

"Garchomp! Earthquake!"

Red swaps Pikachu for Aerodactyl, and Cynthia has this look of _oh shit,_ seemingly forgetting about Ice Fang. Garchomp is down. 5-1.

"I'm pretty sure Red's gonna win the tournament," N mumbles off-handedly.

"We'll see how he fares against me." Yes, Green has resolved to get to the point of battling Red. This is his best friend, his rival, after all, his other half.

...where did that last part come from?

"Spiritomb!"

Red is frozen for half a second. What the heck is that? Green isn't even sure, since he didn't see her battle last year. He flips out his Pokédex to check.

_Spiritomb: Forbidden Pokémon. It was bound to a fissure in an odd keystone as punishment for misdeeds 500 years ago._

Of course it's part ghost type. Ghosts are fucking terrifying.

_Immunities: Normal, Fighting, Psychic._

Yikes.

_Weaknesses: Fairy_

And that's all.

Uh oh.

"Will-O-Wisp!"

Aerodactyl is burned, now. He swaps out for Charizard. _Fire Blast._

"Protect!"

 _Fire Blast!_ The whistle is a bit more frantic the second time, and the move hits.

"Sucker Punch!"

Red swaps for Pikachu, who takes the hit.

Then Pikachu does this thing that Green still refuses to believe is legal, despite being told that it is, in fact, perfectly acceptable, albeit completely and utterly baffling.

_Surf._

As to how an electric mouse can have any hydrokinetic powers, Green isn't sure, and honestly, he's so baffled by it every time that he's not sure he _wants_ to know. It's not enough to take out Spiritomb, but it's enough that Cynthia is so _startled_ that she misses her next turn.

Gengar switches in. _Will-O-Wisp._ He's gone again, and Aerodactyl is back. Seems like he's strategically holding off on using Articuno, now that Green thinks about it.

"You- Pain Split!"

Both Pokémon are in the yellow, now. _Sky Drop._

"Sucker Punch!" Aerodactyl is already too high up, now. "Reflect!"

No headway on either side. _Rock Slide._ Spiritomb flinches.

"He stopped switching out," Ethan notes. Green nods knowingly.

"He knows that Spiritomb has Pain Split, now. He's waiting for the right moment. Red trusts his instincts, you know," he adds. "I do too, really. He's not one to make a fatal move in a battle. Even letting Alakazam faint was strategic."

It seems like it's time to swap now, though. Red sends out Gengar - but his health is low, and Gengar is weak to Spiritomb's attacks, right?

Well, yes, but -

"Pain - " She stops short, but Spiritomb is already using Pain Split. Gengar's health actually _increases,_ and Red gets this cheeky, cute little grin that Green can just make out under the shade of his hat.

Wait, cute? No, smug. That's the word.

And again, Gengar is back away. Charizard comes back out for one final attack: _Dragon Pulse._

The attack kicks up a wave of dust around the arena. It clears to show the Spiritomb unconscious. 5-0. Her whole team is defeated in about eight minutes.

That's about average for Red. Something tells Green that, for Cynthia, that was quite the defeat.

The referee waves his hand toward Red's side of the arena, the crowd erupts in cheering, and Red seems to come back to reality with a bit of a start. Green can see the Sinnoh Champion trying to talk to Red, who shrugs a little, calls Charizard back, and gives her a polite wave before _tap tap tap_ -ing away with that lighter, calmer gait.

Red smirks a little at Green as he goes. _Your move._

"Oh, you're on."

"That was incredible." Touya is in awe. "He only used five members of his team, too."

Green smirks at him. "Yeah, I always tell people not to underestimate him."

"I-I know, a-and I've never doubted him, but..." Touya has no words for what Red just demonstrated.

"Just wait 'til the final," Green hums, "'cause then you're gonna get to see exactly what he's capable of when he's up against _me._ " His phone buzzes rapidly.

[green hi]

[green]

[green im gonna outside]

[its rly loud]

[im ok but its loud]

[i'll be back before my next battle i promise]

[good luck]

Green can't help smiling at his phone. {you know you can send one text with everything you need to say right}

[if i did that you wouldnt have seen my messages]

[then you wouldve been worried]

[so there]

[ :p ]

{ :p to you too. lemme know when you're coming back in okay?}

[will do]

[glhf]

"...hey, Green."

Green is still staring at his phone. "What's up, Ethan?"

"You talking to Red?"

"How'd you know?"

"'cause you're making heart eyes at your phone."

Green smacks Ethan on the back of the head, but he just laughs. "Shut your mouth."

{you might wanna get a little trickier though btw. i know you like the back of my hand, Red}

[oh you're on]

Red's simple little phrase still makes Green's heart race after all these years.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _yes Red has a surfing Pikachu just try to stop me_  
>  here we see a Red in his natural habitat, in a pokémon battle and actually being very calm, as observed by his rival who is maybe a little too entranced right now. i imagine Red focuses all his energy into a battle, between attacks and dodging and all that, to the point that he literally forgot there's a whole arena of people around him until he wins. also featured; Red's whistle-commands to his pokémon! he can't really speak very much but that's never stopped him from battling before  
>  ~~yeah there's a bit of canon divergence from how the pwt actually works in game but yknow what close enough, i've had Cynthia's bulbapedia up here this whole time and made a full moveset for Red's team so that makes up for it~~


	19. fame, fame and all its burdens

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is still a very, very uncomfortable situation for Red. He never considered that he may not be the only unwilling celebrity.

_Run run run run run -_

Red hates this, he hates feeling like this, he hates that this happens _every single time_ he has to be around people, he hates that he can't just calm down and focus, focus, just stay in the moment of the battle and lock himself away in his own brain when all is said and done. It would be easier, so much easier if he could ignore the world around him forever, just focus on battles and Green and nothing nor anyone else, but he reaches these moments when he becomes exceedingly vigilant, way too alert, he hits a moment where the dissociative fog clears itself by stuffing his mouth full of itself, and there's nothing to say and everything around him to fear.

_Social anxiety._ That's not enough of a mouthful to describe this feeling.

He doesn't remember clearly signing to Cynthia earlier, but he remembers Green beaming at him for having attempted to communicate, and that's the only clear moment until he heard Ethan and Lyra's voices pierce the fog, slice through his heart beating in his ears and pull him into his own little corner of the world, away from the crowd, away from anything and everything he doesn't know and doesn't even want to know. There's a lot of reasons he ran away from home to live on Mount Silver; he was scared of Team Rocket coming after him again, scared of the publicity that came to accompany the label _World Champion,_ a poorly timed visit to Cinnabar and a poorly timed grace of his fingers against the riptide...

All of it links back to fear.

Red is often not seen as someone cowardly, and he almost resents that fact. He's not even brave enough to speak, and hardly brave enough to sign when he has the chance. Being with Green is the only thing that's ever made him feel even remotely safe in a crowd like that. Being alone on Mount Silver is comforting in a different way; he's lonely up there, but at least he's alone. With Green at his side, down in the real world, he's not lonely, but he's sure as hell not alone. It's a game, a gamble, trading one for the other, trying to decide if he's going to swing for way too much or not nearly enough, because as far as he can see, the middle ground is missing, fallen away into some deep chasm.

Red skids to a stop on the drawbridge outside Driftveil, leans over the railing, desperately tries to catch his breath and hopes to whatever god is listening that he doesn't throw up. His chest is tight, from both not getting enough air and not getting enough peace. He should have just went back up to talk to Green, honestly, followed him into the prep room the way Green did for him, talked to him there until he was able to steady himself, then maybe he would have been able to stand with his old Johto friends and new Unova friends, and he would have been better. Still unsteady, certainly, but better than this.

He chokes on a sob that his voice refuses to let out. He sinks to the ground.

[hey green]

{what's up}

[are u going on soon]

{yeah. where are you?}

Red snaps a picture of the bridge and sends it to Green. [out here]

{looks pretty out there. you doing okay?}

[yeah]

Oh, what a lie that is.

{alright, lemme know when you're heading back in, okay? do u have the roster so u know when ur next battle is up or no}

[yeah]

{okay, i'll text you two battles before, got it?}

[yeah]

{...you sure you're feeling alright?}

Again, he lies. [just a little overwhelmed. i feel okay enough to come back in time though]

{gotcha. see you then}

He's fine. He can go back when he needs to go back. He can head right on over and get ready for his next battle, get back on the field, into the flow, into the audience and piercing gaze and lights camera _watching watching watching -_

_Fuck it. I'm leaving._

Red sends out Charizard and flies off the bridge. Charizard gets no more than maybe fifty meters away from Driftveil before he looks back at Red.

_"Charrr zard?" What are you doing?_

"Wanna go home."

_"Zard?"_ _What?_

"W-We're going back to Kanto."

_"Char!" No!_

"N-No, not back to Mount Silver, just... maybe..."

Charizard gives him a suspicious growl.

"Maybe..."

Charizard lands at the bridge again a minute later, against Red's volition. He knows Charizard doesn't exactly trust him about this, though. The last time Red didn't tell him where they were going, he disappeared for eight years.

"...sorry."

_"Zard... Charizard." I'm worried about you._

Red sinks back down to the ground. Why is this... Why is he just coded like this? Why does he have this anxiety, this overwhelming terror that almost managed to take him away from Green again? It's so loud, there's so many of them, he doesn't want to be seen but -

He almost left Green.

Again.

"...I'm an awful friend."

_"Charr!"_

"Yes, I am."

_"Charrizard?"_

"Because I almost ran away from Green again."

The dragon lowers himself to Red's level and nuzzles his cheek, a gesture that's meant to comfort him. The comfort doesn't reach him.

Idiot, idiot, idiot, he almost ran away again, he almost ran away _again?_ Fucking _again?_ He's been back for barely more than a week and he's already trying to abandon Green? Red has been hiding for eight years, he hasn't been with Green this much in about two years, and he's trying to just run away _again?_ Is this the most he can handle? Is this really more than he can take? Why is this his threshold? Why is he like this, why is he like this, why does he have to be such a fucking coward and such an awful friend?

Green actually _cried_ when he finally saw Red again. If Red leaves again, he's sure Green won't forgive him this time.

_"Zarrr..."_

Red wraps one arm around Charizard's neck, wipes his tears away with the other. He's awful. He needs to stop this. He knows this is something that can't end in an instant, but it needs to stop eventually, or else he's going to die like this, die terrified, die hiding away, die without even telling him -

"How many times do I have to tell you this?!"

His mind freezes. Someone is yelling and he doesn't like it.

"No means no, asshole, do you hear that? I'm on break, for god's sake!"

Charizard walks around to the other side of Red, sheltering him with his wing. Red pulls his hat over his eyes. He doesn't know what's happening over there and he doesn't want to know.

" _You_ don't have to deal with this shit, you know! You're some washed-up hack! You never knew what being a goddamn superstar at fourteen feels like!"

...Red might be a little curious.

"Because _I'm_ throwing away _my_ responsibilities? Buddy, you're throwing _your_ responsibilities at _me!_ You're too damn lazy to handle this on your own! You call yourself an agent?"

Red peers out from behind Charizard, who still tries to shelter him, but... What's this about?

"Shut the fuck up! You Pokéstar rats need to learn how to take _no_ for an answer! I am _not_ going in to audition for a movie that might not even make it to theaters, and I'm _not_ doing this on my break!"

There's a pause, then a very aggravated sigh. She's actually walking closer, but she doesn't look like she's paying attention to where she's going.

"I'm a movie star, I'm a Champion of Unova," oh, "and I'm the girl who overthrew Team Plasma _again_ when the fuckers decided they were gonna freeze us over. Some old bastard literally tried to freeze me to death with a legendary dragon! When I say I'm not working, I'm not fucking working! I'm tired, and I don't want your filthy cameras in my face!" Pause. "No, not even an interview. How many times do I have to say _no_ before you get it into your thick, overcooked skull? Don't fucking call me again."

Silence for a second, then the girl screams over the railing of the bridge, before sinking down to the ground about a meter away. She's making another call, now.

"Hey, Iris. You know I'm on break, right?" Pause. "Good. Deeoh won't get off my ass about Pokéstar shit. I told him a hundred times that I'm not working right now. Stupid rat's trying to get as much money off me as he can." Another pause. "Exactly! At least the Unova League doesn't overwork their members. I could hide for years and not have people trying to shove cameras down my throat."

Red very much begs to differ.

"Yeah, I hear ya. I'll talk later, I need to internally scream a bit more." Pause. "Yeah. See ya."

The frustrated yell does not sound as internal as she intended.

"Fuck _all_ of you! Seriously!"

She leans back against the railings of the bridge, and she seems to have just noticed the Charizard and trainer hiding in his wing.

"You're Red, right?"

He flinches, but he manages to nod. Now isn't the best time to talk, but...

"You're a champion too, right? Can I vent at you for a few minutes?"

Red creeps out from behind Charizard, who also seems curious about her. Red nods more definitively.

"I fucking hate fame."

Oh, he knows that feeling all too well.

"And like, I'm sure you get that, because you're a champion, and you're kinda on top of the world," oh he knows, "but do you ever think about how fucked up it is that people are constantly trying to stalk you around the place just because you're particularly good at something?" Quite often. "And like, no one would've even known me if I had stayed home for like, another month. Maybe the region would've fallen into the wrong hands, sure, but y'know what? Sometimes I feel like I should've let it happen, or let one of my friends take down Neo Plasma instead. Sometimes I feel like I should just quit acting altogether to get away from it all, but I'm like, already well-known, and there's no out anymore, and now I'm stuck with people chasing me all over and calling me when I tell them not to because they think I'm just some kind of media machine and not a real living person!"

She finally takes a breath, takes a few deep breaths.

"...I feel like I should take a hint from you and run away."

Red digs out his notepad and pencil, because this is actually kinda important.

_< Don't. It's not worth it.>_

The girl's eyes dart between him and the written message. "Well, why else were you off the radar for so long?"

He's hesitant to share, but somehow he finds himself answering nonetheless. _< Crippling social anxiety.>_

"Ah." Pause. "Guess I'm not exactly a contender for running away, then."

_< People miss you when you do that. They miss you a lot and you don't realize it until you come home and see the damage you left behind.>_

She reads it twice and nods thoughtfully, and he just keeps writing.

_< and I definitely don't like when all eyes are on me, because it's terrifying and it makes me feel sick, but at this point I'd rather be near the center of attention than not be able to see my friends. It's just mean to make them have to climb a mountain that has over 400 fatalities, and I don't want them to get hurt, but I want to see them and I wanna see my best friend and he stopped coming to visit me and I missed him so I came back down>_

He feels a little weird dumping all that on a girl he just met, but she's a bit of a kindred spirit to him, as far as he can tell; a champion, a hero, and an unwilling icon of everyone's attention.

"...I kinda... yeah. I guess I didn't think about everyone else. Not like I could live without my besties anyway," she adds. "We've lived no more than a five minute walk from each other's houses for years."

_< thats how I was with Green>_

"Is he the one you came back down for?"

Red feels himself blush a little when he nods.

The girl smiles, looks off into space. "I'm glad you have such a close friend. Everyone who talks about you acts like you're just some lone wolf, but everyone needs a friend or two in their life. Like Hugh and Nate and I," she carries on, "we've been friends since childhood. We were the only three kids our age in Aspertia City, and I was the only girl my age, and so I thought like, wow, okay, those boys are gonna hang out and totally ignore me because I'm a girl, 'cause that happened in my old hometown. They didn't though, and I dunno why, 'cause I can kinda be a jerk sometimes - er, I guess a lot of the time. I dunno, did you hear a lot of that phone call?"

_< from what I heard I don't think you were in the wrong>_

 

"That's good to hear. I know you know how being a champion is," oh he does, "but being a movie star is fucking obnoxious. Look, I love acting. I love film-making and film theory, I love working with other actors and I don't even mind getting swamped with fans every now and again. It's the agents and shit that get on my nerves. Fuckers just wanna throw as many roles as they can at me so they can make bank. I doubt you ever would if you have social anxiety, but don't _ever_ get into showbiz. It's a bitch and a half."

He kinda likes this girl, honestly, with her down-to-earth vibe, this justifiable pessimism. _< got it>_

"...are you actually competing at PWT this year?" He nods a little, and his nerves threaten to come back into his throat. "How's that going so far?" Red pulls up the PWT webpage on his phone, scrolling through to find the schedule. Seems like there's four more battles yet before he has to head back in.

_< already beat Cynthia. i have time to kill for now>_

"Oh, how'd you fare against her? She nearly knocked me out of the water last year."

_< not bad>_

The girl groans. "God, you have to be the only person who's ever gonna be able to say that. She's so fucking _difficult,_ and she's so hot that I kinda lost focus halfway through. I bet that's why I kept screwing up, 'cause I was making _really_ dumb mistakes."

Red almost laughs; no voice comes, but the exhale is there. _< really?>_

"Like you wouldn't believe." The girl suddenly leans out into the middle of the bridge and looks both ways. "'kay, we're good. Thought I heard someone." Red's phone buzzes.

{how are you holding up? i just beat wallace}

...maybe Red should've gone back to see Green's first battle.

[okayish]

{yeah? need me to come out there?}

[i'll come back soon i think]

{okay. call me if you need anything, okay?}

"Is that Green?"

He jumps a little, and his handwriting is a little sloppier. _< how'd you know>_

"I mean, if he's the reason you came out of hiding, I dunno who else you'd be texting."

True, but the way she's saying that makes him feel fluttery.

"You're lucky you have someone like that, though. I got to chat with him a bit last year, and I kinda asked about you, and he went off for like, fifteen minutes about what a great person you are. It had been a long day, and maybe he was overdramatic, but if he can act that head over heels for you, I think you have someone who cares a lot about you."

Head... over heels? Isn't that supposed to be a romantic phrase?

_< we're very close>_

"I gathered that. I think that's sweet."

Charizard nudges the top of Red's head, noticing his discomfort, but of course the dragon doesn't know precisely _why_ Red is getting flustered.

_< you have close friends too though? 2 of them?>_

She laughs a bit. "Yeah, they're a handful. Hugh likes to charge headfirst into anything and everything he can get his nose into, and he's always yelling about something or other. I don't think that boy has ever had a tired bone in his body in his entire life. Then Nate is... kinda an airhead, but he's actually pretty brilliant with battles and science and shit. He's really sweet, too, but that usually means Hugh and I need to run to his rescue when he, oh, I dunno, accidentally befriends an admin of Plasma because he wanted to do science with someone."

Is that... _< N?>_

"N? Oh, no, they never met. Colress was the Neo Plasma admin." Oh, _Neo_ Plasma. "And they're actually still friends," she carries on, "like, he visits Colress on the old Plasma Frigate, and they do science and stuff, whatever. Nate is just kinda an idiot and didn't realize Colress was leading Neo Plasma until it was like, painfully obvious. Hugh was just suspicious of everyone, honestly. I'm the only level-headed person in this friend group, honestly."

This little trio is starting to sound like his Johto friends. _< I kinda know what you mean, I'm friends with a group of people like you three.>_

"Well, good fucking luck, because I'm sure they're a handful if they're anything like us." Again, he almost manages to laugh.

_< a handful and a half>_

"...Red, I know I can't really do anything about this, but on behalf of everyone who's trying to pry at your life, I'm sorry." Her voice is softer, now, more careful. "I know our experiences with fame are probably different, but I doubt you're having any more fun with it than I am."

_< thank you>_

"Of course." Pause. "At least I can get away from it, 'cause I'm only one of Unova's Champions, and I still need to battle Touya at some point. I wonder if I could take Hugh and Nate and run away to Alola for awhile, just take a break out there."

_< Alola?>_

"Yeah, it's an island region, pretty far away from here, though. Hell, maybe you could run out there and just take a breather, huh?"

Maybe. That could be nice, just bring Green to a nice tropical island and explore, just have a good time out there. An island would be a beautiful honeymoon destination.

_Wait whatthefuck -_

"You okay?"

He's not even sure if she'll be able to read this. _< yeah im good i just feel a little lightheaded thats all>_

She grins a bit once she finally figures out what he wrote. "Well, catch your breath and relax out here. It's a nice day out."

It is, actually. The sun isn't even too hot on his skin.

"...when's your next battle again?"

Red checks the roster again. _< now it's 3 battles away>_

"Cool." She hesitates to ask the next question. "Would you mind if I swing by and watch?"

No one has ever _asked_ if they can watch him battle, and she doesn't even really need to if the tournament is open to the public. That's just... more courteous than he's used to.

_< I won't mind!>_

She looks excited, this muted sort of smile with a glow in only her eyes. "I'll swing by."

{Red you okay? ur up in three rounds. i know i said id text you in two but i wanna give you a longer heads up so you can get back here}

[i'm heading in now]

[also i think i made a friend??]

{wait what}

{WAIT REALLY} Red always finds it funny when Green does a double-take like that.

[im talking to the younger unova champion]

[she said she wants to watch so shes gonna come visit]

{are you signing???}

[writing]

{oh hell yeah}

Red jumps back to his notepad for a moment. _< I'm going in if you wanted to come with me?>_

"I have one more agent to yell at, but I'll meet you in there, okay?" They both laugh a bit, a light-hearted pessimism and a silent amusement. "If you can't find me, just listen for anyone yelling _Rosa! Rosa!_ You can't miss it."

_< got it!>_

Red hops up, Rosa waves him off, and he takes off at a good clip back to the tournament with Charizard. In the brief stretch of road where he's still isolated, Charizard takes the collar of his jacket in his mouth.

_(What?)_ he signs.

_"Charrrrr..." You missed a text on your phone._

Red slips his phone out, and while he intends to walk and answer at the same time, he stops dead in his tracks.

{im so proud of you Red}

Red could honestly cry with how happy Green's short little message makes him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow some of these chapters get a bit longer than i anticipated (esp w the dialogue heavy ones)  
> here we see two champions in their natural habitat, hiding from people because they're both stressed out but they handle their stress by either having a mental breakdown or yelling at people. also one of them is a literal movie star  
> i feel like most of the characterizations for Rosa that i've seen usually have her as being really sweet, but for some reason that never really clicked for me? i feel like she can be kinda a jerk to everyone unless she's very close with that person (Nate and Hugh), or unless she has no reason to be rude (Red, because _here's another champion who doesn't want anything to do with anyone_ )  
> also Red actually makes a friend and his ~~boy~~ best friend is proud! Red doesn't always like being praised because social anxiety but when it's Green he's a happy boy ;u;


	20. rival, rival, stronger than ever

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> These battles come and go as the finale grows closer. Red becomes more and more aware of his rival's personal growth.

"I'm sorry I ran off."

Red really, really needed that time away, but he worries Green is still a little annoyed with him for having missed his first battle of the tournament. It's been forever since he's seen Green on the battle field, after all. They used to have quick battles sometimes when Red lived on Mount Silver, but they haven't done that in years at this point. Red fell into a slump near the end of his stay up there, and the battles that he was forced to have were more uninspired than ever, clockwork more than anything else. Cynthia is the first competitor he's had in awhile who actually put up a good fight, the first one to wake him up a little. 5-0 isn't a good look for her, no, but it's more the uniqueness of the situation than the win or the loss. A whole new set of Pokémon that he's never battled before and a few tricks up her sleeve were enough to get him back into the flow.

He was there for a moment, at least, but he'll never get used to this crowd.

"I'm not mad at ya," Green says, still shuffling through his Pokémon to make sure everyone is healed properly. "I'm just happy you're here at all, y'know? It's prob'ly better if you stay here for this battle, though. Ethan's gonna have a field day out there."

Since Red got back, he's been intently watching his competition with each battle, focusing on everyone's own little quirks, scanning each Pokémon he sees into his Pokédex, his mind reeling with strategies and theories and and solutions, and by the time he gets on the field, he can only hope that he's prepared enough for what's to come, and every time, he's been just fine.

His only worry is about Touya, actually. He's... interesting, really, seeming to follow no particular strategy, unlike any of the others that Red has battled. Evasiveness, defensive moves, hitting hard and fast, each champion seems to have their own flavor, while Touya is a mix of both all and none of the above. In a way, Red can see a bit of himself in Touya's battle techniques. If the semifinals go well - and that's slowly becoming a big _if, -_ he can see just how much Green has grown as a trainer.

This does, however, require Red to battle Touya, a trainer with no glaring flaws.

"I'm out in three," Green declares, shutting down the PC and checking all his pokéballs. "Ethan might actually give me a run for my money, y'know. If he gets to battle you at the final, he's gonna be bouncing off the walls."

Red doesn't even skip a beat. "I wanna battle _you."_

Green's expression changes a bit, somewhere between startled and excited. "Oh?"

Pause. "I'm _gonna_ battle you."

He smirks a bit. "Well, if you can beat Touya, that is."

Red is up against Touya next, hence why he's preparing his team now. He could have waited back here while Green had his battle, sure, but he doesn't want to miss a second of him. In a way, it all comes down to this, this is the end as far as Red is concerned. It's either now or never that Red gets to the final round, and if he sees Green on the other end of that field, he doesn't even care how it ends.

No, Red doesn't even care if he were to lose. If he's going to lose his title to anyone, he'd love for Green to have it.

"I'm heading out, Red," Green calls from the doorway. "You might wanna head back up to the balcony. I think N is still up there, so you might wanna find him and keep him company. He hasn't been faring super well without Touya there."

Right, Touya is probably preparing for that battle. "Don't lose."

Green looks back. "Why not? 'cause you wanna battle me?"

"You think?"

Green laughs, warmly, fully. Red will never get sick of that sound. "Well, we'll see. Good luck!"

"Have fun."

Red is the one who needs luck sometimes. Green could have the worst possible luck and still pull a win out of a battle. He had three paralyzed Pokémon from Ethan's Ampharos once and still managed to come out on top (barely, but still, that's impressive).

Red slinks behind the crowd on the balcony, and he manages to spot Rosa up in the public balcony across the way. He doubts she can see him from here, but the little wave she gives proves him wrong. Red waves back and actually smiles a bit, because _I actually made a friend and not just because they got hurt on the mountain I lived on for almost a decade!_

He makes his way back over to N, who's situated on the side furthest from the stairs. His hands are gripping the railing to the point of turning white.

"Oh, Red," N greets him with a bit of a forced leisure. "Aren't you and Touya battling soon?"

Red slips out his phone and opts to type to him; too many people to speak, and N doesn't know sign language well enough. [yeah. i got ready with Green]

"I see," he grins. "I wasn't sure where you went, but I supposed you had to be with him if you weren't up here."

[what makes you say that?]

"Well, you're very close." For half a second, there's a pause that makes Red aware of the flush creeping up to his cheeks. "V-Very close friends, I mean. You've known each other for a long time, right?"

[since we were 10] It takes a few tries to type that without any errors.

N hums thoughtfully. "That explains it."

That's... a bit ominous. [what?]

"You two can communicate with each other without actually speaking," N explains. "When we were en route to Nuvema Town, the two of you were vaguely gesturing to each other for a few moments, and I wasn't sure if you were really talking to each other or not."

[we were. that's just] he pauses, looking for the right words, [how we've learned to talk]

"You have something very special with him."

Now he's definitely blushing and a little bit annoyed about it. [you do too with Touya]

"Oh?"

[because you go to him before you try to do anything]

"I... y-yes, I suppose so." N is flushed, a more noticeable tint on his paler skin. Good. Now they're even.

The speaker is so loud that Red can never focus on what it's actually saying, always jumping at the sudden boom of noise and roar of the crowd, but he sees Ethan run out onto the field. Seems like it's time.

"At the right field, Kanto Champion Green!"

Green has this very particular gait he has when he's walking onto the battle field, a perfect pace for a champion. Red wonders again why he isn't the World Champion.

Well, it's because Red won, but sometimes he thinks that was a fluke.

"Three!"

Ethan reaches for a pokéball, no doubt Typhlosion.

"Two!"

Green is probably anticipating that and reaching for Rhyperior.

"One!"

Silence. Green's eyes shine amber in the harsh fluorescent light.

"Begin!"

"Steelix, go!"

Oh?

"Rhyperior, Stealth Rock!"

Green is wasting no time setting up over Ethan's surprise. Hell, maybe Green wasn't surprised at all. Ethan usually leads with Typhlosion, though, and this is the kind of mistake Red would have made, refusing to expect the unexpected, and this is why he wonders how Green hasn't beat him yet.

"Gyro Ball!"

Rhyperior's special defense shouldn't be good enough to defend against that.

"Dodge it!"

By some miracle, the slower Pokémon's attack hits Rhyperior - then again, Steelix's special attack isn't outstanding.

"Earthquake!"

Then again, Steelix's defense is outstanding, and even a super effective attack doesn't incapacitate the snake for long.

"Ice Fang!"

Rhyperior survives the hit, and Green calls him back in an instant. "Slowking, go for it!"

It's one of these moments that Green has with his Pokémon, one that Red is very intimately familiar with, a moment that Green has even had when he was arrogant and young. Sometimes, his Pokémon just know what to do without a proper command. It's a quality unique to the two of them, as Professor Oak has said, something about them being prodigies or something.

As such, Slowking uses Scald, severely injuring Steelix. He's on low health when Ethan calls him back.

"Ampharos, use Thunder Bolt!"

"Psyshock!"

Both attacks land in a flurry of dust and rubble. Slowking is back in his pokéball, still conscious but certainly hurt.

"Rhyperior, Earthquake!" That knocks Ampharos out. Red can see a look of frustration in Ethan's eyes even from here.

"Heracross, you're up! Close Combat!"

"Toxic!"

"He's using a lot of status moves," N notes. "Touya tends to use more attacking moves."

[Green is more strategic] Red types without even looking at the phone.

"I can see that. I suppose that's why he used Stealth Rock early on..."

Red is starting to wonder, though. If Touya uses more attacking moves the way he does, that might be a close battle. He hasn't been worried about Green losing to Ethan - not that he doubts Ethan, but he trusts Green even more. He's doubting himself, more than anything. Touya feels like something else.

"Come back, Rhyperior! Charizard, have fun!"

 _Have fun._ Oh, Red has missed Green's snark.

Charizard looks at Heracross for maybe half a second before slamming it with Flame Charge. Heracross braces, but he's badly hurt.

"Come back! Quagsire, Surf!"

Uh oh.

"Roost!" Charizard is badly injured, then healed, then he's back in his pokéball. "Exeggutor!"

Again, Green doesn't need to say a thing. Leaf Storm collides with Quagsire.

"Toxic!"

"Again!"

Exeggutor hits Quagsire first, though, and the blue creature is down for the count. Ethan's main is on the field.

"Typhlosion, Eruption!"

"Sleep Powder!" Typhlosion is too fast, though, and Exeggutor is down for the count. "Damn, Ethan! Only one hit?"

"I-I told you not to underestimate me!"

"Hey, Slowking, Ice Beam!"

"Protect!" Ethan looks confusedly at Green while the ray of show shoots through the air. "...Wait, why Ice Beam?"

[Green knew Typhlosion has Protect and didn't wanna waste the energy on a water move] Red explains. N looks amazed, surprisingly, less uneasy and more in awe.

"He's so... good at this."

[you get good after all these years.]

"Red, you and Green may have been trainers for ten years, but some of the more experienced trainers aren't even as good as you two are," N retorts. "I don't think it's time. Your Pokémon trust you unconditionally. They've been saying it in each battle."

Red never doubted his bond with his Pokémon, but hearing N say that still makes him smile.

"Heracross," Ethan switches the bug in, "Mega Horn!"

"Ice Beam!"

Shoot. Slowking is down. The score is now 4-4.

"You're running me outta town, Ethan," Green comments, almost too leisurely for the atmosphere. "Come on!"

He doesn't call Charizard's name this time, and Ethan doesn't have the chance to switch Heracross out before another well-timed Flame Charge knocks him out.

"Shoot!" Ethan fumbles for his next Pokémon. "Xatu, Thunder Wave!"

Charizard is paralyzed, still trying to move but very much slowed down. "Roost again!"

"Psychic!"

"Dragon Claw!" Charizard can't move, though.

"Xatu, Roost!"

Green looks nervously at Charizard, and Red can see him talking quietly to the dragon. Charizard roars lowly. "Get back here. Eevee, you're up!"

Ethan looks shocked, confused as to why Green would bring a simple Eevee to the Pokémon World Tournament, but that's only because, as far as Red knows, Ethan doesn't know Green's Eevee that well. He certainly knows what an Eevee is capable of; this, however, is _Green's Eevee._

"Use Thunder Wave!"

"Dodge it! Hey, Ethan, are you still afraid of ghosts?"

Him and his sass. Eevee takes this as a command; Shadow Ball collides with Xatu, knocking her down quite a ways.

"Roost!"

"Well?"

Another Roost, but it's not enough to save Xatu. The second Shadow Ball knocks her out, and there's this fiery determination in Ethan's eyes now.

"Steelix, Ice Fang!"

"Facade!"

Both attacks hit, but Ethan gets the better end of the deal. Eevee is covered in ice, legally frozen in battle. Still, she's not fully frozen, and Eevee attacks. She's fought Pikachu often enough on Mount Silver that a little frost here isn't going to slow her down.

"Iron Tail, Eevee!"

"Steelix, again!"

Eevee knocks Steelix out, though, with a little more trouble than should have been necessary, but Eevee is still doing surprisingly well. The score in Green's favor, now, 4-1.

"Typhlosion, you're back up!"

Typhlosion's attacks will be more than Eevee can handle, though. "Eevee, you're good. Rhyperior, Earthquake!"

"Hidden Power!"

It looks like Ethan took a hint from Red; Hidden Power comes in it's grass form, knocking Rhyperior out.

"Shit, Ethan!"

"Hey, I never said I was gonna go easy on you!"

"You're a brat, y'know that? Charizard, Roost!"

"Protect - oh, shoot!"

Green smirks at Ethan. It's a smug look that Red has only ever liked on Green, a hint of arrogance from his childhood that still suits him even after he's mellowed out, an attractive, dangerous expression.

...attractive?

"Flame Charge!"

"Flamethrower!"

The fire starters collide, heat against heat, flames for flames, Johto against Kanto. There's no conclusive winner just yet, but a single paralysis turn from Charizard could turn the tides in Ethan's favor.

"Eruption!"

"Roost!"

Charizard is barely holding on. Green calls him back.

"Not bad, huh?" Ethan calls out. Green's fingers flutter over two Pokéballs, and of course, he picks the one that gives him an edge over Ethan.

"Zapdos!"

The bird is beautiful, static electricity glittering off its golden wings, its gaze as piercing and dangerous as Green's own eyes.

"What...?"

"Surprised, huh?" Green steps back a few paces. "Zapdos, I think you can handle this."

The Legendary bird caws, echoing through the stadium and over the shouts of the crowd, and the wave of electricity from Discharge manages to knock Typhlosion out at last.

The referee waves to Green's end of the arena, a 3-0 victory for him. Red is as amazed with Green as ever.

"He's quite the competition," N muses. Red nods. "I guess I don't need to tell _you_ that, though. He's been your rival for a long time."

Red feels himself floating, watching Green bask in his victory for just a moment. Everything about him is amazing.

There's a few moments where he sees Ethan and Green talking back and forth, though he can't hear them at this volume. There was a time that Green would probably brag to Ethan before sauntering off, _smell ya later,_ but he's more level-headed now. The look of disappointment on Ethan's face melts to one of a calm comfort, confidence, a renewed determination even in the face of defeat.

In just a second, Ethan's expression tells Green's story from the moment he lost the Indigo League to this moment; a loss is just that, a loss, and not an end of all things.

Ethan darts off the field, and Green struts away, looks at Red for a moment, and gives him that salute he loves so much. _Your move, Red._

Oh, it's on.

"Red!" Holy shit Ethan is fast, fast enough to tackle Red into a hug and nearly knock him over. "Red, that was so fun! Did you see that?! Did you know he had Zapdos?! Green is so awesome, isn't he?!"

 _(Yes, yes, and yes.)_ Ethan's enthusiasm is truly unparalleled.

"And now I get to watch you, too!" Ethan cheers. "Well, I'm gonna go heal my team first, but _then_ I'm gonna see you battle Touya! That should give me an edge on him when we get to battle. Good luck!"

Ethan darts back off, followed by Lyra and Silver, the three of them shouting to one another excitedly, theorizing on what might happen next.

Oh, right, Red is up against Touya next.

_Oh shit that's in five minutes -_

Red darts off. He's going to need to catch his breath before he gets back out there. He's still not used to the commotion of the tournament, but even more worrying to him is Touya himself. He's not entirely sure how he battles, since he's been using different strategies all day, but the potential plans of action are slowly, surely coming to him. Red does recall Touya surprising him a few times, using moves that he wasn't expecting, that didn't seem like they should be in anyone's favor, but somehow Touya has managed. Touya seems almost calculating, from what Red knows, looking at his competition with this unwavering focus, unwavering determination, searching for just the right moment and just the right opening and just the right move -

 _Almost like me._ The realization hits him hard. There's even more of a chance that Touya could win, because if he's anything like Red, he's also like Crystal, and she...

"Hey, Red."

Red looks up to see Green standing on the stairs he was running down, and he's frozen for just a moment, caught in that anticipatory look in Green's amber eyes, that slight smile, the way his hair falls just so around his face, the aura of excitement muffled under a facade of calm air.

"You in there?" Red snaps out of his daze and nods.

_(Good job.)_

"Oh, why, thank you!" Green says in this stupid theatrical voice. "I'd like to thank all the people who helped me get to this point in my life!"

Red rolls his eyes. _(Dork.)_

"Who else would I be if not _your_ dork, Red?"

Red is absolutely blushing, he can feel it.

 _Shut up._ A quiet huff and a roll of his eyes say this in his own language.

"How are you feeling about Touya?"

Red shrugs. _Nervous._

"Yeah?" Red nods, and Green smiles at him reassuringly. "Your instincts haven't led you wrong so far, huh?"

Red actually pulls Green back down the stairs, around the corner to a more private part of the backstage corridor, where he can freely whisper to Green. "He's like me."

Green thinks on that for a moment. "I guess he is, in a way."

"Same kind of look in his eyes."

"Hm." Pause. "I think Touya looks ahead more, though. You're more present."

"Doesn't sound good."

"Nah, I think that's an even match. He might think ahead, but his biggest mistakes were 'cause he thought _too_ far ahead and lost track of the moment. He forgot to switch out Reuniclus against Steven's Armaldo 'cause he said he forgot it knew X-Scissor."

That's not exactly something Red wouldn't do, honestly. He shrugs a bit.

"My point, Red, - and I do have one, - is that you're not doomed, okay? You oughta put up a hell of a fight, though, and that's one thing you've never failed to do."

Red feels a bit steadier with Green here, being this close to him, whispering worries to be whisked away by his rival.

_Wait he's really close -_

Red jumps a few steps back and almost loses his balance, panicking in a weird way, because sure, he got that close to talk to Green, but he didn't realize just how little space there was between them, and in such a quiet area, he could have -

Nope. Now is not the time for this.

 _(Gotta battle now.)_ Red signs quickly.

"I'm lookin' forward to it." Green is practically beaming at him.

Red's heart is racing for some other reason, now, a similar pulse to the one he would feel whenever he would write unfinished love letters to be tossed in a lake. _(I really do want to battle you.)_

"I bet I wanna battle you more, Red." Oh god when did his voice get so alluring? "Don't lose."

Red grins. _(Why not?)_

"Oh, shut up. I'm not letting you _not_ battle me at the final, Red."

Red starts to walk off, but turns on his heel and runs back for one more whispered sentiment, one echoed phrase from an earlier conversation.

"Well, we'll see," he whispers to his rival. Touya or not, Red doesn't intend to let Green leave this tournament without battling him.

"So we will," Green whispers just as softly. "Have fun, _rival."_

Red rushes off to the gate of the arena with the heat of Green's competitiveness in his own heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> welcome to another trilling episode of _sometimes Green is snarky when he battles but god damn does he battle well_  
>  i imagine Ethan actually really loves battling Green, possibly even more than Red, because Green will sometimes just chat with him during battles and surprise him when he doesn't always call a move out, and Ethan likes that kind of excitement and almost light-heartedness to a battle. any battle with Green is guaranteed to be a fun one!  
> also featured; N not entirely realizing what he's implying about Red and Green and Red getting back at him because he can be kinda petty when he gets embarrassed _let's see how you like getting teased about your crush N_


	21. heroes among heroes at battle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Touya is going to have potentially the most difficult battle of his life. He can certainly expect the unexpected, but this may turn out to be too far out of the realm of possibility.

He's pacing frantically around the prep room, and for damn good reason.

He collected his badges from across all of Unova. He beat the Pokémon League. He defeated Team Plasma. Even with all this, Touya doesn't think he was ever meant to _be_ a champion - rather, he doesn't think he deserves the title of _Unova Champion,_ hence some of his hesitation in coming here _._ Frankly, Touya isn't built like a champion. He's mellow, he only thinks one or two steps ahead before his nerves get the best of him, he's often up in the clouds and not present enough to help his Pokémon dodge an attack before it hits. This is partially why he focused so heavily on defense training before going into the league, because he doesn't have the strategy nor the predictive power that really should come quite naturally to a champion.

Touya, as far as he's concerned, should not be called a Champion of Unova.

"You shouldn't bite your hand, Touya. You're going to hurt yourself."

N's voice breaks Touya out of his racing thoughts of self-doubt, brings the dull ache on his thumb to his attention. "S-Sorry, I-I'm just kinda nervous."

"I understand," N hums softly, sweetly. "Would you like to talk about it?"

He hesitates, but he spills a bit of his heart out in the end. "I-It's just... Red is... Red is _amazing._ A-And I'm really not - I-I don't even... I dunno," he sighs and trails off.

"Touya, you earned your position as Unova's Champion just as rightfully as Red earned his spot," N insists. "Even if you don't battle the same way as he does, you do deserve to be champion, and you have just as much of a right to be here as every other competitor. This is why you were invited, after all."

Touya sighs heavily. "I-I know, a-and I don't doubt you, b-but..."

Still, Touya is frantically pacing around the room for a damn good reason; he's _terrified_. He wants to prove to Red that he does deserve to be here, that he isn't a fluke, but none of his wins have been by more than 3-0, meaning he's consistently lost half his team, while Red's absolute worst battle so far has been a 4-0 _victory._ The odds are not in Touya's favor. He just wants to prove to Red - to everyone, really - that he deserves to be a champion. If he could just calm himself down enough in any of these battles, he probably would have been able to pull through with better wins, but his mind is just... racing. He's here for a reason, though, N is right; he is a champion.

Unfortunately, Touya doesn't believe that himself.

"Touya!"

N's shout brings Touya back out of his own little world again. "W-What?"

"You need to head out soon," N says more gently. "And please stop biting yourself, I-I really don't want you to be hurt."

Touya notices the clock before he sees the fading teeth marks on his hand. Shit, he's really out of his mind about this.

"...I-I have four more minutes."

"But then you need to go, so please calm down." Touya can't bring himself to look up. "Touya..."

N hugs him, and slowly Touya comes down from the building terror.

"Whatever happens here happens, right?" N echoes Touya's sentiment from before. "No matter how this battle goes, I'll be proud of you. You've made it this far, and you absolutely deserve to be here. Your Pokémon know that, too. You have such a close bond with them _because_ you're a wonderful trainer, Touya. Please believe them, even if you don't believe me."

There's a warmth melting the nerves in Touya's chest. "You have no idea how much it means to hear you say that."

N hums softly, holding Touya for one more minute. He doesn't want to go out there not only because he's still nervous, but because he doesn't want to leave this hug.

N pulls away, though, letting the cool air of the room stab at Touya once more. He's never liked the cold much, especially not now. "I wish you the best of luck, Touya. I'm sure you'll do a wonderful job."

Touya genuinely, truly doubts that. All of Red's battles have been the quickest and most impressive of the tournament. "Thank you. I-I'm gonna need all the luck I can get."

As Touya walks out to the gate, N calls after him. "Don't forget to trust your Pokémon, Touya! They trust you, too!"

_Trust your Pokémon._ That's one thing Touya has never, ever failed to do in his time as a trainer. He doesn't think he can even trust himself, though.

There's half a second of hesitation before he walks out onto the field on his cue, his heart racing more now than ever. He's always been a bit nervous coming out here, but this is so much worse, so much more nerve-wracking, because this is _Red._

The announcer calls for Red, and Touya realizes there's that same half-second of hesitation before Red comes onto the field, into Touya's line of vision past the glaring lights above.

...why does Red look nervous? He's been fine this entire tournament. He's looked anxiously at the crowd several times, but now Red is looking at Touya, and there's almost this desperate worry in his gaze.

...really, why is _he_ nervous?

"Three!"

Touya reaches for Samurott.

"Two!"

Doesn't Red lead with Pikachu?

"One!"

Touya's hand shift over three pokéballs.

"Begin!"

"Krookodile!"

Red sent out Aerodactyl instead.

Shit.

Touya recognizes the whistle for Ice Fang, and he says something he's never actually said very much in battle before, something he thinks he's going to be saying at least a few times during this battle.

"Dodge it!"

And Krookodile does.

"Stone Edge!"

_Holy shit._

The rocks collide with Aerodactyl.

That... That means Touya made the first hit of the battle. Red hasn't been hit first in _any_ of these other battles.

Touya looks at Red, for just a second, and Red looks just as surprised as Touya feels.

There's another whistle that Touya doesn't quite recall, then Aerodactyl disappears in the air with Krookodile. _Sky drop,_ from the looks of it.

"Again!"

Krookodile plummets to the ground, already getting weaker, and Aerodactyl manages to dodge Krookodile's attack before being called back.

"Pursuit!"

Aerodactyl takes that hit, though maybe it would've been better if Red had been just a little faster. Alakazam is sent out, and there's that low whistle that he didn't recognize at first. _Hidden Power,_ of the ice variety, if Touya recalls.

So now Krookodile is unconscious already. Shit. Okay. This is fine. The score is still 6-5, in Red's favor.

...seriously, why does Red look nervous?

"Galvantula, you're up!"

And then Touya gets an idea.

"Energy Ball!"

A normally effective move against Alakazam. This trilling whistle seems to correlate with Psychic, if the blast of pink energy is anything to go off. It's this moment that Red probably has to realize Galvantula is part bug-type, and it's this moment that he probably has to recall that Alakazam is weak to bug moves -

"Signal Beam!" because psychic types are weak to bug, and if he gets lucky with a critical  _oh my god Alakazam fainted -_

Again, Touya looks at Red. There's a look of disbelief amidst the panic. 

Charizard is sent out, and Touya quickly swaps to Samurott. _Dragon Pulse,_ that's what that whistle is, he thinks.

"Hydro Canon!"

Charizard is too fast, though, dodging the attack, and _wait that's Focus Blast,_ which does hit Samurott.

_Now_ Red sends out Pikachu. _Volt Tackle._

The word still feels unfamiliar on his tongue. "Dodge it! Ice Beam!"

_Dodge._

No headway on either side. The whistle for Volt Tackle comes only after Touya switches Chandelure in, and already Chandelure is paralyzed, but Pikachu is burned from the contact with her.

...actually, they seem pretty evenly matched right now. Touya didn't even think he'd get this far.

"Shadow Ball!"

A wave of water surges toward Chandelure, though, _wait shoot Pikachu knows Surf, is that even legal?_ If it weren't he's sure Red wouldn't be using it, but _fuck_ this was a bad idea.

Chandelure is weakened, but Pikachu takes the hit from Shadow Ball, and Touya again switches out. He sends out Archeops against Gengar _wait when did Red switch -_

_Will-O-Wisp, Hex._ He knows that one, he remembers that whistle being particularly haunting.

"Fly!"

A cloud of dust kicks up from Archeops's ascent, and Touya can't tell if it took the burn from Will-O-Wisp or not because of how fast it all happened. Archeops comes down at mach speed, Gengar's shadowy attack forms and launches at the ancient bird, and there's even more dust and commotion and for a moment Touya feels like he's lost.

Both Pokémon are still conscious. According to the glowing ticker, they're at almost equally low health. He switches once more.

"Reuniclus! Psychic!"

_Dodge,_ then a whistle Touya doesn't recall, but the energy forms itself into what's probably Dark Pulse, and Reuniclus manages to survive the hit by some miracle, and Psychic hits and _knocks Gengar unconscious._

The score is now 5-4, in... in his favor. In _Touya's_ favor.

"You okay?" Touya calls quietly across the arena, hopefully just audible over the crowd, because either Red is fumbling or -

_You're good._ Touya can just make out those words mouthed out on Red's lips, and for that moment _he's_ the one who's paralyzed and weak, shocked, because _the literal Pokémon World Champion just told me I'm good -_

Touya misses his chance. Pikachu comes back for only a moment, uses Volt Tackle, and Reuniclus is now unconscious just like that. Aerodactyl is back.

4-4. That's the best Touya has done so far, and the worst Red has done - not to say Red is doing badly, though. Maybe Touya is better at this whole _battle_ thing than he thought.

"Samurott!" He has at least one hit before Red switches Pikachu back in, and he intends to use it. "Ice Beam!"

Red's whistle this time is a short one, almost like a hoot, but somehow it sounds frantic. Aerodactyl easily manages to dodge the attack, responding with Roost, recovering a substantial amount of health.

"Keep at it!"

This whistle is particularly sharp. _Arial Ace._

Ice Beam hits this time.

"Surf!"

_Crunch._

"Again!"

_Again!_

Each attack hits, leaving them both weak. Aerodactyl is called back, and now Red sends out Charizard, for some reason, a fire type against a water type -

_Dragon Pulse._ Okay, _this_ one is Dragon Pulse, and with that extra speed Charizard has on Samurott, his starter is unfortunately down for the count. Touya refuses to forgive himself for that.

"Galvantula," who seems to be the star of the show right now, "Volt Switch!"

Red tries to call Charizard back too late, and the surge of electricity nearly faints the dragon, and just as soon as Galvantula is out he's switched places with Archeops. Red calls him back and actually fumbles to decide who to use now, because the score is 4-3, and two of Red's Pokémon aren't doing very well.

_"Cuu!"_

Oh, great. Red is using Articuno at last, and that isn't looking good for his bird. Archeops actually resists flying moves, but he's weak to ice. Also, this is a legendary bird, this is literally _Articuno,_ and suddenly Touya realizes his best bet against ice is currently weak and paralyzed.

Wait, flying types are weak to electric.

"Galvantula, come back! Volt Switch!" Touya doesn't even know who he's going to switch in after this. He has either Chandelure or Archeops, a noticeably weakened Pokémon or one that's weak to ice. He might be able to get Rock Tomb in, though, if Archeops is fast enough.

This whistle is long, soft, a single gentle note. Touya thinks that's wildly unfitting for _Blizzard._

The arena is suddenly swept by a huge gale of frigid air, crystals of ice and snow forming out of seemingly nowhere, and Touya feels like he's already lost, because Galvantula is hurt, coming back, and Articuno dodged Volt Tackle without even being told. If Touya's Pokémon trust him, how do Red's feel about him, to be able to act without so much as a noise?

_Trust your Pokémon._ He's starting to think that maybe Chandelure can manage. She's surprised him on many an important battle.

"Chandelure, Fire Blast!"

And Articuno takes the hit, though it comes at a price. The bird is, of course, still doing reasonably well, because it's _Articuno_ here.

This whistle is so loud and so high-pitched that it almost hurts Touya's ears, but he does recognize this as Roost, an even more frantic version of the one Aerodactyl used.

"Will-O-Wisp!" because as far as he knows, Articuno's moves have mostly been special, and he won't be able to get a burn in from contact this time. Articuno fails to dodge this time.

Touya again looks at Red, because this is so weird, so _bizarre,_ because somehow Touya is actually holding his own here.

Red doesn't merely look panicked this time anymore. There's excitement through his adrenaline.

Red calls Articuno back, and now Pikachu is here again. _Surf._

That's never going to _not_ be jarring. "Shadow Ball!"

Unfortunately, this does Chandelure in. Red switches back in for Articuno.

"Galvantula!"

In this moment, Touya doesn't even think to tell Galvantula what to do. The tarantula knows a bird when he sees one, and he uses Volt Switch without any hesitation. He comes back in an instant, and Touya switches Archeops back in.

"Rock Tomb!"

Red switched for Charizard, though, but that look of _oh shit_ tells Touya that he _knows_ he made a mistake. Charizard nearly faints at that, saved by a quick enough dodge.

_Dragon -_ Wait, no, Red stop mid-command and sends Pikachu back out, and there's another wave of Surf sent at Archeops. This might be the end for the poor bird.

"Roost!"

Or not. Archeops holds on just long enough to recover some health.

_Surf!_

...is Red smiling over there?

"One more Roost!"

There's no more headway for either of them. Red swaps out for Articuno again, and this whistle almost sounds excited, flowing and loud. _Freeze Dry,_ it seems.

"Roost!" At that - man, Archeops is a trooper right now - Touya switches again, and Galvantula is back out. "Signal Beam!"

Maybe he can trick Red, because Signal Beam isn't going to damage Articuno much. He switches back in for Charizard, though, fire for bug, but flying for electric, and Galvantula is fast, _really_ fast, faster than most of his kind.

"Thunderbolt!"

And Charizard is out. Can he even say this battle is in either of their favors? They're pretty much neck in neck right now.

Aerodactyl is back. Rock for bug, perhaps, but there's still the issue of flying for electric.

"Dodge!"

_Rock Slide._

Touya called it, he totally called it, and Galvantula avoids the attack before it's even called, and before Aerodactyl can manage to use another Rock Slide or even Roost, Galvantula pulls through and uses Volt Switch, anticipating, perhaps, the same switch Touya is expecting.

Aerodactyl faints. 2-2.

Touya catches Red's gaze. He's grinning wider than Touya has ever seen him smile.

Touya can't help but grin back.

"Archeops!"

Red knew this would be Archeops, because anyone else he could switch in is unconscious. He sends Articuno back in for one more Blizzard, one more wave of ice, and with the way Red is darting around through the snowdrifts, Touya could almost say he's dancing.

Archeops is down, though. 2-1.

"Galvantula, Thunderbolt!"

Articuno is called back before Galvantula can make his move, and Pikachu is out, still burned, still fighting. One more Volt Tackle isn't quite enough to knock Galvantula out.

"Signal - "

Red is switching to Articuno again. Galvantula actually pauses, looks back at Touya, and Touya calls out in the same moment Articuno's command comes in the form of an almost swirling whistle.

"Thunderbolt!"

_Hurricane._

The tempest-strength winds carry ice in them, hurting Galvantula even more, and while Touya wants to believe maybe Galvantula can pull through, he can't even open his eyes against the ice, he can hear Articuno's cry, and he can hear Galvantula's final weak chatters carried on the winds.

Finally, the gales die down, and Galvantula is unconscious. 2-0, in Red's favor. That's the best Touya has done, the worst Red has done, yet it's Touya's loss and Red's win. Funny how these things work out.

Touya calls Galvantula back and looks at Red one more time. He's absolutely beaming, not even flinching at the crowd's erupting cheers, seeming to not even fully realize that the battle is done. No, the world isn't quite coming back to Red, there's still adrenaline and excitement and almost a plea of _wait let's heal up and try one more time, that was amazing!_

The same sensations are rushing through Touya, though, so maybe he's projecting a little.

Red quickly gestures to Touya, then himself, then to the gate, and he makes a swinging motion with his hand. It takes a second for Touya to decode.

"You... I'll meet you back there?"

Red nods, and once Articuno is back in its pokéball Red is actually _running_ , surely still smiling. Touya rushes to meet him, the cold air from the manufactured blizzard still stinging his cheeks, little bits of frost starting to melt off the tips of his hair and the seams of his jacket. He's not sure anymore if it's still the rush of excitement, but the chilly water melting onto him makes him feel alive, very present but also not, as if this whole thing is a dream. He's expecting to wake up at any moment, open his eyes and still be in Nuvema Town, but he's here, this is real, and he's awake, awake and alive.

And Touya feels, if only in this moment, that maybe he's not such a bad champion after all; not because of how well he did, no, but because he made Red smile.

He notices the door of the prep room down the hall is wide open. That's probably where Red is. Touya slows to a jog by the time he enters the room and shuts the door, pacing his breathing enough to try and speak, but in a completely unexpected turn of events, Red is the first one to talk.

"I only made another one of these just in case, because I gave the first one to Crystal, and I didn't think I'd ever need another one, but I made it just in case, but it's been a really long time and I don't remember where I put it, it's in a weird pocket and I need to dig it up so - "

"W-Wait, wait, what are you talking about?" He almost wants to ask how, _how are you able to say this much at once, this is the longest string of words I've ever heard you say -_

"A gift!"

A... gift?

"What for?"

"For the battle."

"...our battle? Just now?"

"Which other battle?"

Touya is now a little more subdued now, eased down from the energy of the battle by his confusion. "What is it?"

"You'll see when I find it." Red _is_ still smiling, Touya notes. It's the warm kind of smile he had while he was chasing his friends from Johto in circles, carefree and happy, _happy._ There's a bit of a tremor in his voice, though.

"...are you okay?"

Red doesn't answer for a moment. "I wanna battle you again sometime, Touya."

His heart almost stops. The World Champion wants to battle him, little old Touya, again.

"...w-we can arrange that," Touya answers. Red makes a cheerful hum after all that rummaging, half the contents of his bag strewn about, haphazardly placed aside in his energetic search.

Red suddenly grabs Touya's hand, his glove still cold from Articuno's snowstorm, and the World Champion places a small item in Touya's palm.

Touya opens his hand. He's not exactly sure what he's just been given. It's the same shape as the leaf on the badge Red keeps pinned to his hat, carved smoothly out of wood, painted an earthy green, and lacquered in some kind of wood stain. It even has its own pin backing attached to it.

"A few years before I went to start getting my badges with Bulbasaur, the Kanto gyms had a change in their badge shapes," Red explains, his voice still shaking, and Touya now recognizes what that tremor is, hears his own shaking _thank you_ from when he defeated Alder.

_That was so much fun._ It's that tone of voice, exhausted yet energized.

"The badge I have on my hat is one of the old Viridian City badges," Red continues, and Touya looks up to see that joy overflowing in Red's eyes. "They were supposed to clear them out, but I think a Rattata or something went through the garbage and probably snuck one of the badges out. I found it just outside the tree line in Pallet, and I wanted to keep it, because I wanted a badge, even though I was only seven, and I wouldn't get my first Pokémon for another few years."

"And you made a copy of it?" Touya isn't sure where this is going.

Red's smile shifts to a calmer one. "I haven't lost in a long time, Touya, but very rarely, someone comes very, very close. Crystal was the first one who almost beat me, and I'm pretty sure if I had made one wrong move - if I had let Espeon faint earlier on in the battle, I would've lost. So, in a way, I think she should have won."

Oh.

"She could have won, so I made a badge for her, because I wanted her to know that. I made one lucky move, really, and that's what saved me. As far as I care, though, she _did_ win. I was just lucky."

_Oh._

"Touya, if I made one more mistake, I think you would have won."

_Oh my god._

"So I want you to have that."

Touya is almost crying. "You have no idea how much it means to hear you say that." Okay, he's actually crying a little. "I-I mean, I-I, I've been doubting if I even should be called a champion or not since the day I beat the Unova League! A-And..."

For only a few seconds, Red hugs him, and in this moment Touya realizes that this isn't the World Champion hugging him; this is his friend. Red is his _friend._

"You are a champion. I know it."

"Thank you." He lets himself cry tears of happiness, recognition, validation, relief, whatever this feeling is. All of the above, he thinks.

"On that note," Red turns away and starts loading his Pokémon into the restoration machine, "I _did_ win, so I need to get ready for Green."

Touya wipes his eyes with one sleeve, which just leaves cold water smeared on his face. "R-Right, right. I bet you'll do great!"

Red only grins. "I'm gonna do my best."

Somehow, that holds a certain weight to it. "I guess that's all anyone can expect." Pause. "I-I guess that's all I could manage to do, too."

"In that case, your best is amazing."

Shoot, he's gonna cry again. "Th-That really means a lot to hear you say that, you know."

Touya intentionally dabs some of the cold from his sleeve on his face this time, just to relive that amazing battle in some little way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> two chapters?? in one span of abt 24 hours???? it's more likely than you think also _holy shit this got way longer than i expected but here_  
>  several things to note; Touya is still an anxious boy, as is Red, Galvantula is a surprisingly good boy and everything went much better than either of our champions expected.  
> Galvantula here is kinda based off my own Galvantula in my Black playthrough, who literally just demolished everything in his path. its defenses in-game aren't even that outstanding but he was just way too fast and he hit way too hard for anything to actually hurt him that much, i LOVE this electric bug with all my heart  
> also featuring a dumb little headcanon about how Red feels about these close calls; he actually loves them! he doesn't exactly want to lose necessarily, but sometimes you need a bit of a panicked battle like that to remember why being a trainer is so much fun and what it really means to you. as a kid he made these little badges because he intended to give his beta-Earth Badge (another dumb little headcanon) to whoever beat him, but A) he has been undefeated, and B) he would actually really miss his own badge, so he made replicas.  
>  ~~also the prodigy Crystal headcanon, she could absolutely destroy a lot of people but she doesn't partially because Red warned her against becoming a champion at such a young age~~


	22. legends among legends in an everlasting bond

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Touya is out of the running for the Pokémon World Tournament this year. His reward now is getting to see just why Red and Green are known as Battle Legends.

Of course he's not jealous, not at all.

Touya doesn't know who's talking to N right now, but he's glad that N is finally opening up a little. It seems like he hasn't wanted to talk to _anyone_ unless Touya was within his line of vision, and considering that N has a lot of struggles with socializing after years of... well, of Team Plasma, he doesn't blame N in the slightest for being nervous. Touya is always happy - more than happy, really elated - to be able to spend any amount of time with N. It's been so long since they were able to see each other, and Touya has missed him so much, so if N were to decide to cling to Touya's side for the rest of their lives, Touya can almost guarantee he wouldn't mind all that much. It's good to see N talking to other people, though, it's good that he's adjusting, it's -

N and this girl are laughing, and okay, maybe he is a little jealous.

"H-Hey, N!" Touya ventures to interrupt the conversation, and N waves and smiles at him.

"Touya! You did a wonderful job out there!"

Memories of the battle come back to mind, the rush of the first hit all the way up to the final blast of ice and snow. "Th-Thank you, I-I was just... doing my best."

"Well, your best is wonderful," N cheers sweetly. "I told you you would do a good job!"

"Especially if you got Red that excited," the girl adds. "I wouldn't be surprised if he asked you to battle again sometime. He likes rematches against people who put up a fight like that."

Wait, does... "D-Do you know him?"

"We met some years back," she answers vaguely. "He was spending some time on Mount Silver when we met, and I started going up every so often to do research and visit when I had the chance."

So she's a friend of his. "Did you ever get to battle him?"

There's a moment of hesitation, but her smile doesn't falter. "Well... yeah. Just a few times. He's really something else in that regard, you know - and I'm sure you know," she laughs, "you just battled him for yourself. You must be a talented trainer to get as far as you did, might I add."

He feels himself flush a little, unfamiliar with this kind of praise from someone he doesn't even know. "I-I guess so."

"Touya is an excellent trainer!" N adds. "His Pokémon have trusted him since the day they each met, and he trusts them too! When they come together in battle, the results are truly amazing, transcending the formulas and mechanics of battle into something magical..."

Now he's blushing a bit more. N is not only praising him, but also praising Touya's battle techniques, even though N isn't a fan of battles like these. "I-I guess that's, um, o-one way to put it..."

"Red can be that way, too," she nods. "He's spent so much time training and bonding with his Pokémon that they can move without even a whistle. You'll probably see more of that when he battles Green. Those two are in a whole different world when you put them together for a battle."

Touya has been wondering about that, in fact. "I-I don't doubt that. I'm not sure what to expect from them, though."

She has this knowing grin. "They thrive when they're with one another, and they've been consistently battling together since they were kids - longer than I've known either of them, in fact. You know," she continues, almost a bit nostalgically, "they've always had their patterns they like in battles, sending Pikachu against Eevee, or having their respective Charizard battle, and while they aren't using their regular Championship teams... well, with Red's mains and the legendary birds, you're going to see some interesting results."

That piques N's curiosity. "Why would they use the same battle strategies over and over? It seems like everyone is trying to surprise one another so they can win."

"Because it's not about winning." Wait, what? "They have a very special... dynamic, let's call it that. They're competitive, sure, but... there's something else about them altogether when it's the two of them against each other - or when they're in a double battle as partners," she adds. "I've actually battled the two of them with a friend of mine, and they're unstoppable when they're working together."

This bond that Red and Green has seems to be so much deeper than just rivals, so much more than just two best friends having a battle. Red is _already_ unstoppable, and Green seems to only ever be second to Red. If the two of them have some kind of bond like this, then...

Well, Touya has heard the way Green talked about Red while he was still in hiding, and he's inclined to believe their friendship is unparalleled.

"If they're so unstoppable together, which one do you think is going to win?" N asks. The girl shrugs.

"Your guess is as good as mine. I'd put my money on Red, because he has a way of always surprising Green with something or other, but I don't think it'd be unlikely for Green to win either. They tend to always get down to their last Pokémon before the battle is done. Granted," she adds, "they kinda distract each other sometimes. They've stopped mid-battle once to banter at each other before, and while I don't think Red is going to say much out there, I'm sure Green will take a moment to tease him in the way that he does."

"Speaking of which," Touya edges a little closer to N, almost tries to take his hand, "w-we should probably head back up so we're not late, r-right?"

"Would you like to come with us?" N asks, and Touya feels this quiet seething because _no, you're my plus one and you can't really invite someone else and I don't_ want _you to invite someone else -_

"Sure! I've been watching from all the way up top, but it's pretty far away. I just needed to make sure I had the okay to be Green's guest in case anyone asks."

Touya walks up the stairs between N and this girl. "Did you meet him when you met Red, too?"

"A little later, actually. I only met him when they put in the Mount Silver clearances. Before then, I was just traveling up as often as I wanted to visit. It wasn't until a friend of mine went up and got pretty badly hurt that they decided on having a better screening process for climbing Mount Silver." She suddenly pauses. "Oh, I'm sorry, did I ever introduce myself?"

Touya shakes his head. "I-I guess I didn't either. My name's Touya, I'm," and he hesitates for only a second while N and Red's reassurance comes back to him, "I'm one of Unova's Champions."

"And rightly so, huh? My name is Crystal."

Crystal.

_Crystal was the first one who almost beat me, and I'm pretty sure if I had made one wrong move... I think she should have won._

_That_ Crystal?

"O-Oh, um, n-nice to meet you," and suddenly he's a little nervous in the presence of someone this strong. "R-Red was telling me a bit about you."

She shakes her head and laughs a bit. "Well, take it with a grain of salt. Sometimes he likes to exaggerate when he gets excited."

She knows a side of Red that Touya has only caught a glimpse at, it seems. That only makes him more curious.

"Crys!"

"Crystal?!"

"Hey, Crystal!"

All three of the Johto kids run over to her, and she does her best to guide them away from the stairs while the twins grab her in a hug. "Nice to see you too, kids! Don't go tumbling down the stairs, now, okay? That's the last thing we need."

"...are you okay, Touya?" N asks, out of seemingly nowhere.

"I-I'm fine, yeah. W-Why do you ask?"

"You were holding my hand very tightly, and I wanted to make sure you weren't feeling unwell." N speaks even faster than usual, somehow. Touya blushes and lets go.

"Y-Yeah, I just... uh..."

Touya looks around at the commotion the kids are making, running around Crystal while she's trying to have a casual conversation with Lance, but nothing is distracting him from this weird pit he has in his stomach.

"Do you want to stand somewhere quieter?"

"Uh, yeah, l-let's head back to our spot."

"I do think your battle was incredible, Touya," N continues more softly as they reach their little place at the railing. "Your Pokémon think so, too. They were cheering you on the whole time. Even Red's Pokémon were saying that you were really good."

_You're good._ He's never going to get used to this affirmation, but he'll certainly never get sick of it.

"Th-Thank you. It really, really means a lot to hear you say that."

Touya looks at N, looks at this proud, calming smile he has on his face. That wave of comfort surges through and around him.

"I suppose now we get to see what Red and Green can do together," N muses, putting his hand over Touya's on the railing, paying no mind to the gesture; yes, it comes so naturally that Touya almost doesn't notice his warmth.

"Y-Yeah. I mean, they're both really amazing, s-so... do you think Red is gonna win?"

"I've been thinking so," N muses, "but after seeing Green's techniques, I'm not as sure. He seems to have more strategy than Red, and his Pokémon trust him just as much, so it's difficult to say."

Touya nods. "I kinda want Red to win after our battle just now, but Green has officially had less trouble than Red because of me, s-so I dunno."

"My money's on Red!" Ethan shouts, running over to the two of them, and N and Touya both nervously move their hands away. "Silver, if Red wins, you owe me dinner!"

"I didn't agree to that, idiot!"

"Well," Lyra cuts in, "if Green wins, you owe _me_ dinner!"

"Don't try to make me buy you two stuff!"

"I'll feed all three of you if you can behave yourselves," Crystal offers. "And stop hassling Silver, you two. That's not nice."

Touya laughs a bit. "You sure you wanna stay up here if you need to babysit those three?"

She shrugs. "I've been handling Lyra and Ethan since I was about twelve, I think I can handle them now. Silver's not really a handful, anyway."

The lights all go down. It looks like it's time.

"...I wonder if Red is going to lead with one of his usuals or not," Crystal muses quietly under the booming announcement of the final round. "We'll have to see what Green decides to lead with."

"Do you think Red's going to pick based on that? Don't they have to send out their Pokémon at the same time?" N asks.

"Oh, they do, but knowing them, they probably know what order each other's pokéballs are in, and they might wanna organize something special."

Something special, huh? Touya almost wishes the two of them had their championship teams, just to see what that battle would be like.

There's no announcement of individual trainers this time; Red and Green both enter the arena in perfect sync, their footfalls even seeming to match each other just so.

"...any final guesses on who's going to win?" Lance asks from behind Crystal. "I'm thinking Red."

"Red is just happy to battle Green again, so it's a win-win either way," she hums.

Touya looks down at Red. There's a hint of a smile he can see through the blaring lights.

"Three!"

No movement.

"Two!"

Green's fingers are on his third pokéball.

"One!"

Then they shift one over, and Red reaches for the first one.

"Begin!"

Charizard is sent out against Charizard, and without either trainer making a noise, the two are on each other in an instant.

"Fire Blast and Flame Charge, respectively," Crystal muses. "Before they changed some of the moves, it used to be Flamethrower on Flamethrower."

"Y'know, Red," Touya can just hear Green shouting over the flames, "it's been awhile!"

Red whistles something back, something that doesn't sound like a command. Dragon Pulse for Dragon Claw, but both of them dodge each other's attacks. The attacks come twice more before both trainers switch out.

"Slowking!"

Gengar is on the field, though, both poison and ghost for the psychic. _Dark Pulse._

"Psychic!"

Both take the hits, both of them take a decent amount of damage.

"Psyshock, go!"

_Will-O-Wisp, Hex._ The whistle sounds lighter than before, less haunting and more melodic. Gengar is barely holding on, but Slowking is burned and not doing that much better. Green calls him back before Hex can hit its target.

"Rhyperior, Stealth Rock!"

There's a sharp whistle, dipping in the middle. Crystal laughs a bit.

"He's pouting."

"Red is... not taking this as seriously as he should be," Lance murmurs.

"He's just having fun. That's why he wanted to be a trainer in the first place," she explains. "If he's not having fun, neither are his Pokémon, and there's no good in pursuing something like that."

Touya looks back down at the arena. Even Green doesn't look as serious as usual himself, less smug and more amused, more lively.

Rhyperior got burned in the second Touya looked away, and took a hit from Hex, but now Gengar is away at very low health.

Red gestures a string of indiscernible signs to Green before sending out Alakazam. _Energy Ball._

"Yeah, yeah. Stone Edge!"

_Again._

"Dodge it! By the way, you know Rhyperior has the Solid Rock ability, right?"

Somehow, Touya can translate Red's whistle as something to the effect of _shut up._

Both Pokémon are called back, with Rhyperior in particularly bad shape. Eevee and Pikachu are out. Touya is surprised as how much dust the two are kicking up, running circles around each other, squeaking and barking, covered in sparks of electricity and ghostly energy, almost having their own little conversation amongst themselves outside the understanding of the human crowd.

"...N, what are they saying?"

"I can't hear them that well," he admits, "but it sounds like they're teasing one another. _As usual!, shut up!, you missed me!,_ something like that."

The dust clears out, and Red and Green have actually switched places on the battle field.

"Hey, Eevee!" Green calls. "You wanna show off your newest move?"

_"Pika ka!"_

_"Veee!"_

"Pikachu is saying that Eevee stole his move...?" N leans in a bit more. "I don't - "

_Iron Tail!_  Red makes the first call.

"Iron Tail!"

"Red taught Iron Tail to Pikachu first," Crystal explains, "then Green picked it up for his Eevee. I think Pikachu has always been a little mad about that, but they use the move together as sort of a test of endurance."

"They're... very strange together," Lance admits. "I've only ever seen them battle when they were kids, but they're certainly different, now."

"Some things with them never change, though." Her words carry an air of mystery to them.

"Come back, Eevee! Rhyperior, Earthquake!"

Red switches in Articuno before Pikachu gets hit. _Blizzard._

"Seriously?! You _just_ got off a snowy mountain and you're gonna make it snow _again?_ Come on, Red!"

Even from here, Touya can see Red grinning smugly at Green.

"Well, if that's..." The rest of Green's words are lost on the wind. Rhyperior is unconscious, and now Zapdos is out on the field.

N's grip on the railing tightens. Touya holds his hand gently.

"They're gonna be okay, I promise."

"I-I'm sure they will be," he mumbles, then more confidently adds, "They trust their trainers."

_Ice Beam!_

"Discharge!"

Both attacks hit, both birds are hurt, but neither one of them looks like they're about to let up. The attacks repeat without a proper command.

"Roost!"

_Roost._

"Copycat!" Green's voice holds a playfulness in it. Red sticks his tongue out at Green with the same sentiment.

"These two didn't ever really grow up, did they?" Lance sighs. "Neither of them are making much progress."

"I keep telling you, they don't really care about winning," Crystal insists. "They just like being with each other and battling."

_They just like being with each other._ No, Touya doesn't doubt it for a second.

Green is the first to switch, sending out Exeggutor. Red swaps for Aerodactyl.

"Rude!"

Touya sees Red laugh, and the whistle carries a bit of that waver. _Ice Fang._

"Sleep Powder!" Red whistles again, and Touya's not even sure if it's a command or not. "Hey, eye for an eye, Red!"

Red rolls his eyes. He whistles a melody to wake Aerodactyl up, but not without taking a hit.

"Leaf Storm, then you're back in!"

Aerodactyl wakes up at lower health, and Exeggutor switches out to Eevee. "Iron Tail!"

_Crunch,_ he thinks that's what this command is. Aerodactyl dodges the attack, and Eevee shouldn't be fast enough to dodge in turn, but somehow she does. No progress.

"Facade!"

Aerodactyl switches before Eevee can make the hit, and Gengar is back.

"You little brat!"

_Will-O-Wisp._

"Shadow Ball!"

Eevee is burned, but the hit from Shadow Ball takes Gengar down. They're currently tied 5-5.

"They really are unstoppable," N says. Crystal nods.

"They'll be at this for awhile."

Alakazam is back on the field, but for a second Red realizes his mistake. _Dodge!_

"Keep at it!"

So Eevee continues to use Shadow Ball, and Alakazam dodges and uses Psychic. Eevee does take the hit before coming back.

"Zapdos, Heat Wave!"

_Hidden Power,_ and a wave of ice surges out against the heat of Zapdos. The bird is getting weaker, and both Pokémon switch.

"Wouldn't they save some time if they weren't swapping as much?" Touya asks Crystal. "O-Or do they just wanna keep going?"

"You got it."

This battle seems more special to them than Touya thinks he can fully comprehend.

Eevee and Pikachu are back out, running at each other with Iron Tail several times.

"Facade, Shadow Ball!"

The whistles are too quick for Touya to process. Seems like it's _Volt Tackle, Surf,_ leaving Eevee with worse damage than Pikachu.

"You know it's kinda weird to run any ground coverage on an electric type, right?"

There's a few chirping whistles accompanied with a few rough gestures. The Iron Tail duel starts back up.

"Yeah, but that doesn't mean it makes any sense."

Red sticks his tongue out again. They really are like kids sometimes, aren't they?

One more clash of metal rings out through the air, then both Charizard are back on the field, heating the arena with waves of fire. Fire Blast and Flame Charge collide several times, enough to make the arena feel hot as an oven, bathe the air in an even brighter glow than the floodlights, and for a moment Touya wonders if they're gonna burn the place down.

The flames finally die down enough for Touya to see what's happening again. Just before the flames fade completely, Touya can see Red running away from Green and to the other side of the arena.

"Look, I hear ya, but that doesn't mean much against _me,_ does it?"

Wait, is Red talking to Green? Is he physically, verbally talking during these moments of chaos?

"So I don't suggest - _oh,_ you little - !"

Green's taunt gets cut off by Pikachu's Surf against Green's Charizard, and the dragon is down for the count. Red sends his own Charizard back in.

"Slowking, Scald!"

_Oh shit,_ and now Red's Charizard is also down. Pikachu is back, and Slowking faints to a well-timed Volt Tackle before Green can react.

"Brat!"

Red is grinning innocently. Aerodactyl is on the field again.

"Th-That was three knock-outs all at once!" Ethan shouts in awe. "That was so fast!"

"I think Red is taunting Green, at this point," Crystal guesses. "Pikachu's Surf still baffles Green to this day, and he's known about it for years."

"Exeggutor, Sleep Powder, again!"

_Ice Fang!_

Exeggutor is getting weak, but Sleep Powder works, and the following Leaf Storm knocks Aerodactyl out. Red signs something to Green.

"Won't be the last time, either."

Touya can barely hear Green say that over the crowd, but that has some power behind it, some meaning that makes Red's eyes glow.

Alakazam is in the arena again, and Green moves Eevee back onto the field.

"Shadow Ball!"

Touya doesn't recognize Red's command, but it seems to be Recover, from the looks of it. Alakazam is away again, in favor of, again, Pikachu.

"Keep going!"

_Brick Break!_

The moves repeat three times before the two Pokémon finally land a hit, chattering at each other.

"Eevee said _that's not fair!,_ and Pikachu said _sorry, Red said to,"_ N translates, and he's actually _smiling_ at this battle, finally smiling, finally calm enough that Touya could move his hand if he wanted.

He doesn't, of course.

"Exeggutor, Psychic!"

Red again looks a little surprised, and Pikachu is called back at particularly low health, as low as Eevee. Articuno comes back out, and the whistle for _Freeze Dry_ flows and signals Exeggutor's knock out.

"Zapdos, Dodge! Discharge!"

_Ice Beam! Dodge!_

Twice more the birds repeat the pattern, and Zapdos actually knocks Articuno out with a critical hit. Red looks at Green, and even from here Touya can see he's a little upset.

"I know, I'll make it up to - hey!"

Alakazam again uses Hidden Power, and now Zapdos is unconscious.

"Well, there! Now we're even!"

Red's whistle mimics the tone and pitch of Green's _there._

"How are his Pokémon not getting confused at which whistle is what?" Touya means to ask Crystal, but he can't take his eyes off the field. Eevee dodges an Energy Ball from Alakazam.

"Because Red only uses very specific tones for his Pokémon," Crystal answers. "As for how Green understands what Red means, I couldn't tell you. I guess you get to know someone like Red better than anyone when you've been friends since childhood."

"Y-Yeah, but - "

"And I dunno if Green knows _exactly_ what Red means," Crystal continues. Another Recover saves Alakazam again. "I think he just knows the sentiment in Red's whistling. He's actually a lot more expressive than people give him credit for, you know?"

Touya nods. "I guess they - "

"Shadow Ball!"

_Hidden Power!_

Touya doesn't know when Green switched out, because he's been _trying_ to pay attention, but the collision knocks Alakazam down, leaving the score at 1-1.

"Eevee, have fun!" Because it's not worth pursuing if no one is having any fun.

Pikachu meets Eevee in the middle of the arena, and there's sparks and shadows, collisions and the sound of clashing metal on metal, clouds of dust are slowly kicking up again, and as the visibility fades Touya can tell Red and Green are circling the center, and for half a moment it looks like Red is catching up with Green.

The dust clears, and both Pokémon are exhausted and weak. The trainers look just as winded.

"Last Resort!"

_Volt Tackle!_

It takes another three shots for either Pokémon to hit the other, and when they finally collide, it's impossible to see who won until the dust clears once and for all. Red is kneeling just behind Pikachu, Green is standing and swaying next to Eevee.

Pikachu is on the ground. Eevee is still standing.

The world seems to stop in this moment.

Then Eevee falls, and Pikachu lifts himself back up, and Red has definitively won.

Green recalls Eevee with a bit of a sigh, tired yet satisfied. He looks up at Red, smiling with this kind of joy and flowing adrenaline that Touya felt after battling Red himself, but there's something else in that expression, something deeper than just the adventure of a battle. It's something Touya can't quite place, maybe longing for one more minute of this, of the harmony that flows through the chaos of a battle, or maybe just longing for one more minute of the first battle he's had with his friend in years.

Maybe, Touya muses to himself, it's simply a longing for his friend, for Red. Red seems to have the same air about him.

"I _guess_ that wasn't half bad," Green clearly jokes, and Red almost doubles over laughing silently, trapping his voice in his mouth with his hand. There's a few more quietly spoken words from Green, ones Touya can't hear from up here, but the two Kanto trainers seem to be in their own little world for another minute.

At last, Green stands up straight, stretches his arms to the ceiling with one more phrase. Red lets Pikachu hop onto his shoulders before he stands, petting the winded mouse happily. Red has already been deemed the victor, but the two of them are still waiting here, sharing some moment between them that the rest of the world can see, sure, but Touya feels like no one else can really understand the energy between them. He's felt something like this, too, when he defeated Team Plasma at the castle, and N spent a few moments talking to Touya before he turned to run away for years. That moment broke his heart, that disappearance that would haunt Touya day and night.

This moment below him is lighter, though. More than N's departure, it feels like the moment he met N once again, when the only things in the world were N and Touya.

Red taps the tips of his fingers to his chin, then lowers his hand toward Green. Green returns the gesture.

" _Thank you,_ and _you're welcome,_ respectively," Crystal translates. She's beaming at them.

"I think these two missed each other more than they knew," Silver muses.

"Oh, they certainly knew," Crystal replies, "but absence makes the heart grow so much fonder."

Red and Green, instead of turning back to their gates and separating, actually run toward each other's sides of the arena, and they high-five as they run off. Green is laughing sunshine.

"...yeah, some things never change." Crystal looks almost calm, even after all that chaos. "They only thrive like this when they're together. It's nice to see Red came back home."

_Home,_ not to Kanto, not to Pallet Town. She means Red truly came home, where Green is _home._

Touya glances at N, and he decides that makes perfect sense.

"Should we go congratulate them?" N asks. Crystal only shrugs.

"I'd give them a few minutes to themselves."

Touya looks at N, sees his own calm, lighthearted smile, and Touya's heart lifts. "You're doing better now, right?"

N looks a bit confused for a second. "Better?"

"Than when we first came here. I-I know this whole thing was kinda a weird experience for you, b-but - "

"You made it worth it." N blushes suddenly, or maybe it's just getting hot up here. "I-I mean - you... you helped. A lot."

"How did I help?"

"Just... by being here for me." Pause. "I do need to thank you, though, Touya. I don't want to be afraid of this forever, a-and I'm still hesitant about, um, all this, but..."

The noise is falling away from them, and the sensation of N's hand under his own is so much more prominent now.

"Thank you for being here, Touya. I really appreciate you."

He feels like he could walk on clouds. "Of course."

"...should, um, should we go down?" N stammers. Touya looks around to see that the balcony has emptied out.

"O-Oh, yeah. Let's do that."

Touya gently squeezes N's hand on the way down the stairs, and to his delight, N reciprocates just as softly.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ......i don't even know what to say, this chapter is also long and i love my boys so much
> 
> also Crystal is here! why? why not! she's probably for research and to see her best friends do their battling out here and having a good time
> 
> i have the headcanon that the championship where Red beat Green at the Indigo League left kinda a bitter taste in Green's mouth, and they didn't battle for awhile, but after Red was gone for so long, they kinda started to battle recreationally, with Green knowing he wouldn't win, and they started to just make games out of it, and _that's_ when Green started to mellow out a bit, have a bit more fun with battling. he's still very competitive but he's not devastated when he loses anymore, and he's less frantic/aggressive and more light-hearted when he battles (which also came up in Ethan's battle too) ~~also he's in LOVE so ofc he's gonna be happy battling Red~~
> 
> N is handling his own anxiety a bit better now too!! similarly to seeing Touya's Pokémon trust him in the bw events, he knows Red and Green are good to their Pokémon so it makes things just a little bit easier. it's also hard to be too nervous when your ~~crush~~ friend is holding your hand the whole time 
> 
> also Touya is starting to kinda-not-really realize that he and N have the same thing as Red and Green but will he ever realize it's romance??? probably not soon he won't lol


	23. victory, victory, same as always

He literally sprints into his embrace.

Green could try to speak right now, could try to find the words to say about what just happened. Red was - is, Red is always amazing when it comes to battles, motion and chaos and the harmony of a Pokémon moving in sync with their trainer's commands, whistles, hopes, dreams and feelings. Red absolutely did not disappoint anyone, save for maybe the folks who expected him to say something in the midst of his victory, but as far as Green cares, there's nothing more to be said. Red's battle said it all, the quiet laugh of pure joy as the final dust cleared, the childhood gesture of _good job, see you next time,_ running off to continue the adventure and get the next gym badge.

Although, this time, Green isn't running for another badge as he did in his childhood. He runs backstage today to meet Red in the middle of the long corridor, and the hug that comes is more of a tackle, but this time, Red doesn't seem to mind.

"You're amazing, you know that?!" Green cheers through his laughter, still just absolutely _giddy_ over this, over Red, over finally, _finally_ having Red come back to the land of the living. Even with the looming threat of crowds and news trucks outside, little peeps of Red's own laughter sneak into the air and swirl around Green in this dizzying way that he's missed so much, this enamored feeling with Red's voice and his happiness and _Red Red Red -_

It's only in moments like these that Green can very willingly admit to himself that he's hopelessly in love.

"I still got it too, though," Green adds, still almost swinging around Red, only half-heartedly trying to snag his hat for the sake of having that interaction. "You were only _kinda_ close to beating me 'til the end there."

Red rolls his eyes, speaks so softly yet with so much feeling. "Shut up."

"You know I'm right, though," he taunts. "I'm not so bad at battles that you can just blow me outta the water, Red."

"Right, sure, and you still say I'm amazing?"

"Well, yeah, 'cause you are. I'm just _also_ amazing," he shrugs.

He's never going to get tired of hearing Red's laugh. "Get over yourself."

"That's my trademark, Red! I can't just - "

Red suddenly hugs Green tight, and he doesn't even bother finishing that sentence, only holds Red a little closer and a little more gently and perhaps a little more intimately than he should hold his best friend.

"...thank you, Green."

"For what?"

"Being patient."

"Patient? With what?"

"...everything."

For visiting Red on almost a weekly basis from years three through six of his stay on Mount Silver, for writing letters even after he thought Red must have died, for spending a straight week on the mountain with him when Red got frostbitten, for asking _are you coming back down_ every single time no matter how often the answer was _no,_ for hiding him from lines of reporters and fans when Red was eleven and terrified of all of it, for bringing food up to his room or his mountain, for speaking for and to him when Red couldn't find his own voice, for letting Pikachu gently zap him because it made Red laugh, for waiting eight long years for Red to finally come back home -

No, never once has Green's patience broken, and never once have his feelings wavered.

"...of course."

And maybe it would be worthwhile making sure Red knows that.

"...Hey, Red?"

"Mm?"

"You really are my best friend," and he almost chokes on the next half of the sentence, "and I - "

"Hey, Red!"

"Reeeeed!"

_Oh for fuck's sake -_

As per usual, Red avoids the twins's attack, and Green is tackled to the ground instead.

"I swear to _god,_ I do _not_ get paid enough to babysit you two! Get off of me!"

"Why is he so fast?" Ethan whines.

"Maybe 'cause he lived on a mountain and learned how to do agility stuff on the rocks?" Lyra shrugs and pulls herself and Ethan up. Speaking of which, where did Red go?

"I know, I know! I'm happy to see you, too!"

Crystal?

Oh, Crystal!

"Hey, Crys! Keep your kids under control!"

"Sorry, sorry, they're just excited," Crystal laughs. "Seems like you are too, huh, Red? Slow down, I can't understand what you're saying!"

Sure enough, Red is bouncing around Crystal and frantically trying to sign, his hands more of a blur of motion and his own lingo than proper language. Green can make out snippets, though, _excited_ and _fun_ and _friends,_ something along those lines. He's missed Crystal, he's sure of it.

It's these moments that are so rare for Red anymore, moments that he's only seen a handful of times. There was one instance where Green had decided to come up to Mount Silver for Red's birthday, as usual, and somehow the rest of his Johto friends decided this would also be a good idea. This resulted in a proper party for someone who never used to have enough friends for something like that. It wasn't until later into the evening that everyone was laughing, teasing each other and finishing off the last of some chocolate cake, that Red was bouncing around like this, just happy to be around others - alone, in some way, on top of the world and away from everything else, but not lonely.

Honestly, this is Red's natural state, and it warms Green's heart to see him like this.

...even though everyone _did_ interrupt him. Guess it'll have to wait, now.

"I guess he's happy about winning, hm?" N comments, standing by Green and away from the commotion.

"I think he's just happy to be here," Green shrugs.

"That's a relief," he sighs. "Red has seemed tense for most of the tournament. I was worried he wasn't feeling well."

"Well, the crowds don't do him any favors, but now he's just back here with Crystal and the kids. And you guys, too."

"And _you_ , of course," N adds.

_And you._ Yes, Green is absolutely happy to be here with Red, and sometimes he has to wonder if Red feels the same; it's this strange preoccupation with no basis in reality. For Red to have run into his hug, to have been able to laugh and speak for just that moment, he has to be happy, too.

The flurry of commotion continues on without a care in the world, the kids circling around Red and coming and going as easily as a springtime breeze. This is the perfect end to a day, a battle with Red, a victory that was all too close and just a little too far, Red's smile and energy and liveliness finally coming back to him with ease. Green genuinely is struggling to recall the last time Red was this upbeat, this steady, this easy and... happy, truly happy. It had to have been all those years ago.

"I'm glad to see him happy, too," N says, suddenly pulling Green out of his thoughts.

"Too?"

"You have that look about you."

He hopes the blush he feels isn't too noticeable. "Yeah, just... it's been awhile, y'know? I like seeing him like this. It's more like him than constantly trying to stay stoic."

"What was that about, anyway?" N asks. "I guess it might be personal, but..."

Green shrugs. "He was about fourteen when he decided to put up the stoic facade. He thought it'd be easier than trying to face people, y'know? Figured it'd be off-putting or it'd make him unapproachable, and then people wouldn't wanna talk to him. Never really worked with those kids, though," he gestures to the younger Johto trainers, "and Crystal and I knew him before he started that whole thing. It's kind of a defense mechanism."

"I see." N seems deep in thought.

"Does that make sense?"

"Yes, it does." N is looking at Red, a very much not-so-stoic Red. "I suppose I did something similar when I first met Touya."

"People always put up a bit of an act around new people," Green notes. "It takes some time to get to know someone well enough that you let your guard down, y'know? I figure that's where you're at with Touya. You were a lot more relaxed in Chargestone Cave when it was just you two."

N suddenly flushes. "I-I'm sorry?"

Oh, so _that's_ how it is. Green smirks a little. "We passed each other every so often while we were visiting, and you were _pretty_ happy to be with him, weren't you?"

N is struggling to keep eye contact. "I... well... i-it had been a very long time since we visited - er, since I visited too, and, um..."

He playfully nudges N. "Hey, relax, that's not a bad thing. It's just nice that everyone seems pretty happy for once."

N sighs a bit. "Y-Yes, there's been... much more stress than I think any of us deserved in the past years."

Green says something he's just realizing himself. "All that's over, now."

He looks back at Red and sees him signing to Touya and Rosa, the younger Unova Champion that he met out on Driftveil's bridge. Crystal is translating Red's excited gestures, the four of them grinning ear to ear. Rosa's two friends have tagged along with her, chatting with the Johto twins and Silver, almost certainly about to get into some kind of trouble, and Green thinks he should step in, but the air is easy now, relaxed even with its energy, and Green decides to leave it be.

Yes, all the heartache that everyone has endured is finally over, and he can see that in this moment.

"...I'm glad it's over." N looks a bit wistfully at Touya. "And I'm glad I found Touya again - rather, he found me."

"So am I, 'cause you're kinda the reason Red came back down."

"I think you're the reason."

Green looks at N, confused. "I'm not the one he helped back down Mount Silver 'cause of a broken arm."

"No, but if you hadn't been there, I think he intended to go back up," N replies. "He missed you, though."

Green's chest feels a bit fuzzy. "Yeah?"

N's voice is gentle, careful. "I say this as someone who ran away from everything I knew and everyone I cared about, for the sake of my own safety; being alone is not worth being lonely."

Green can only nod, letting the words float through his mind. If Green weren't there, what was the chance that Red would have went back up? What was the chance that he would have stayed? He did apparently visit his mom for a bit before going to see Green at last, but what was the chance of Red running away before then? He even raced around the hallways in the rescue center, running _from_ Green, and in that moment Green was sure he had fallen asleep, and it was all a dream.

_Green?_

Red's voice carried through the hallways, muffled by the thunder but all too clear. At the end of those dreams, Green would walk over to Red's voice, see him, and then he would disappear, and Green would wake up.

In that moment, he saw Red, horrified of waking up, but he blinked, and Red was still there.

_You're here,_ he whispered, as not to wake himself up. _Y-You're really -_

It was when he was able to hold Red, hug him, keep him as close as possible, that Green realized he wasn't dreaming, and that was happening, and Red was here -

_I'm sorry,_ whispered at first, eventually shouted, and every single time, Green had mumbled _it's okay, I'm not mad,_ because it's truly been a long time since Green has been able to hold a grudge, and he could never stay mad at his best friend, he could never stay mad at Red.

There was even one time that Red seemed to not hear, one time where Green wasn't even sure if was speaking or moving his lips.

_I still love you._

That still applies here, now, while Green watches Red practically dancing around the hall, racing back and forth with his friends - _friends,_ plural, as he's been warming up to the world below the mountain and all the life and vitality that comes with it, as he's been acclimating to being here, home, Red is safe, Red is _here_.

And so is Green.

And the agony is all over.

"...He puts up a hell of a fight," Green muses aloud. All these other thoughts are too close to heart to casually spout.

"He really does," N agrees. "You do too, by the way."

"You think?" N doesn't answer, only bites his lip a bit. "You okay?"

"Yes, I..." It takes a second for him to find his words. "I... wanted to apologize for earlier - this past evening, I mean."

He's not entirely sure what's up. "What do you mean?"

"For, um, having been doubtful about... this." It seems like his words aren't coming very easily, though.

"Battles in general, you mean?"

"Y-Yes, um, and this... the tournament as a whole," he sighs. "I wasn't... wasn't exactly raised to... um..." N trails off.

"I get where you're coming from, don't even worry about it. I was being kinda short with you, too, which wasn't really the best move. It was just a lot of stress building up. Even when you're good at battles like this, it doesn't take the pre-tournament jitters away," Green explains. "So, I'm sorry too, and I forgive you."

"Thank you. A-And I was never angry with you," N adds, "so it's okay."

There would have been a time, Green quietly realizes, where he would have demanded a better apology, or refused to share his own regrets. The awareness of this comes from how naturally this conversation flows. A lot has changed over the years, but he looks back at Red, that smile, and realizes that just as much seems to have stayed the same.

"...out east from here, on the coast, if you wanted to swing by with us," Rosa's voice drifts into focus, the rest of the chatter having died down. "It's early enough in the season that it's not gonna be that busy."

"Oh, I haven't been to Undella in _ages,"_ Touya sighs. "I'd totally tag along if N wanted to come with me."

Rosa looks up and seems to notice N. "Oh - Oh, hey."

N waves a bit and walks over to the rest of the crowd, and Green follows. "It's been some time, hasn't it?"

"Been like, a year at this point," Rosa confirms. "Hey, you wanna come with us to Undella? This weekend's supposed to be perfect beach weather."

"Oh, I would love to!" N claps his hands together in the way that he does. "Undella is very..."

N's voice fades out when Red tugs on Green's sleeve, catches his full attention. "What's up?"

Red points to Rosa, then waves his hand between the two of them. _Are we going, too?_

"If... Yeah, if you wanna go down there, too," Green answers a bit tentatively, quietly. "I don't have a problem with going to the beach, believe me, but I thought you didn't like the coast anymore."

_Anymore._ Red has never fully explained it, but Green recalls Red being injured mysteriously off the coast of Cinnabar Island. If anyone else were to ever ask, Red insists it was a riptide, and he nearly drowned, but Green knows better. It's a lie, but... the truth is just as murky.

_I know,_ Red shrugs.

"So... you still wanna go?"

Red nods, then properly signs to him. _(I thought you wanted to visit more of Unova anyway.)_

"Yeah, but - "

_(And if you're gonna travel, I want to be with you.)_

Green knows exactly what Red means, _I want to spend time with you,_ but for just a moment Green decides to pretend that Red might mean something more. "Oh, yeah?" Red catches on quickly, blushes a bit, and sends Pikachu out. "O-Okay, okay, no need for that!"

That triumphant little smile Red gets steals his heart every single time.

"Green, don't hassle your best friend, that's not nice," Crystal scolds through a bit of a laugh.

"He's the one threatening to shock me with - _ow!_ Come on, Pikachu!"

Red is struggling to muffle his laughter, fuck, when did he get this cute?

"You guys wanna come along too?" Rosa offers before Green can make his case. "We probably won't get there until after it's dark, but we can stay at the Center there or set up camp somewhere."

Green looks back at Red one more time, once more in the cooling energy, and Red nods with a confidence Green hasn't seen in a while. "Yeah. Yeah, we'll tag along."

"Good, 'cause it's not gonna get any quieter when summer rolls around." Rosa frowns a bit. "Look, I love the beach, but when it gets swamped with tourists three months outta the year, it's kinda obnoxious, y'know?"

"Yeah, I hear ya," Green nods. "Sometimes we used to get that issue with one of the Kanto islands. It's not that it's - "

"Gimme that back!"

Red is at it again, darting away with Ethan's hat in hand. Green can only smile at him.

"You're a menace, Red!" Green calls after him. He can see Red smugly grinning back at him.

"...you guys wanna fly outta here?" Rosa asks. "You can probably avoid the commotion outside if you take off with your Charizard."

"Yeah, we'll meet you guys down there. I think Red's gonna play with the kids for a little bit longer."

"You act like their parents," N mumbles, amused, only loud enough for Green to hear and only loud enough to embarrass him.

"Not a chance. I oughta have at _least_ minimum wage for dealing with them."

Despite the hassle they cause, Green thinks seeing Red feel this light is absolutely priceless.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a bit of a shorter one this time bc the last ones were v long and i'm kinda burned out ;u; if i'm doing bad w replying to comments that's partially why, i'm mentally kinda exhausted from life in general but i always really appreciate everyone's comments!!
> 
> Green is _definitely_ in love with Red and he _is_ aware of that, but it's kinda hard to confess to your best friend, especially when people keep interrupting you. sometimes it's worth it just to see your ~~boy~~ best friend having a fun time
> 
> (also!! if all goes according to plan this is about the halfway mark for ReuNite! these dorks gotta to confess eventually, right? why did i plan this fic to be so long send help fkjhdfgkdfhgs)


	24. waves, waves, then and now

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Green and Red reach Undella Bay late in the evening. He's missed these gentle moments with Red more than he realized.

The waves lapping in the evening is a lovely sound.

Green arrived a bit after the rest of the crowd with Red, having departed from Driftveil later in the evening to make sure the area was mostly cleared out. He and Red could have probably managed to weasel their way out quickly enough to avoid any commotion, with how fast both their Charizard are, but he decided it'd be for the best if they just held out a little bit longer. Letting Red have a more quiet trip over to the beach town is ideal, ensuring that he'll be a little calmer the next day. Even if the town is quiet at this point in the season, this is still a proper town, still populated, and the only other populated towns Red has been to since leaving Mount Silver have been Pallet Town (though he mostly stayed inside) and Driftveil City (which... could have gone better, admittedly).

This moment is perfectly peaceful, though, and Green realizes he needed a break from the world's commotion too.

"Why don't you ever give me one of those leaf badges you make, Red? I definitely could've beat you, y'know."

Red grins at him. "I already gave you a gift before."

"Oh, yeah?"

Red points to the pendant around his neck, a piece of Everstone Red found on the outskirts of Pallet Town as a kid. There was a perfect little hole poked out of it, and Red put it on a long cord and gave it to Green for his birthday one year; _because I wanna be friends forever,_ he whispered excitedly, sweetly.

"...I _guess_ this'll have to do."He's not about to let Red know how many feelings this is bringing back up.

Red sticks his tongue out at Green. "Good, 'cause that's what you get."

"What do you think is out there?" Green asks casually after a moment, staring out into the quiet bay. He and Red have decided to set up a little camp out by the water, under the stars, for old time's sake.

Red shrugs. "Fish?"

"Well, I could figure that much," Green chuckles. "Maybe we oughta check it out tomorrow, see what kind of Pokémon we can find out there."

"Mhm."

He's getting quiet again. "You okay, Red?"

"Yeah."

Green looks over at his rival, but before he can press him for more information, he notices Red's smile. "Just happy to be out here?"

"With you." Oh. "It's been forever since we went to the beach."

"Yeah. The last time you went to the beach was... awhile ago."

"To Cinnabar."

"I was trying not to bring that up. I didn't want you to - "

"It's fine." Red aimlessly traces patterns in the sand, though his expression drops. "It's... Everything is fine, now."

Green inches a little bit closer. "You sure?"

"Yeah." He rakes his fingers through the sand. "You're here, so it'll be okay."

A pang of guilt surges through him. "I... I guess it would've been fine if I were with you that day, too."

Red shrugs. "You would've gotten hurt trying to help me, and that wouldn't have been good anyway. That whole week was just... unfortunate."

That's a light way of saying it. "I guess so."

Red digs up a small pile of sand and sets it aside. "It's not your fault."

Green looks back to the bay, hoping to find some comfort in its waves. "Yeah, but gramps always made me feel like it was."

"What? Why?"

"'cause he always said you were _my responsibility,_ or something," Green huffs. "I mean, your mom kinda said the same thing before we left Pallet, remember? She told me to look after you and make sure you didn't get hurt or anything, but..." The waves somehow seem louder now. "I kinda left you in the dust, y'know. If I had still been moving along _with_ you instead of being a jerk and running off like I did, maybe you wouldn't have had to deal with any of this shit."

"With any of what?"

"I dunno, all of it?" Green curls in a bit on himself. "With Team Rocket, the champion thing, Cinnabar..."

"That would have still happened, Green."

"Running away..."

Red is silent. The air is a little too heavy, now, but Green's heart is heavier, and he can't just drop this here.

"If I... I shouldn't have left you behind. I would've been with you, so at least you wouldn't have dealt with it on your own, and you wouldn't have..." _wouldn't have run away._ He sighs deeply, quietly, trying to stop his thoughts from spiraling out of control. "I dunno. I'm sorry, Red. You mean a lot to me, and I..." Shoot, his confidence is gone, "I... don't tell you that enough."

"I think you do."

"I beg to - "

"You just don't say it with words."

Green looks back over at Red, who is now making a small sandcastle. "What do you mean?"

"You kept coming back for me when I was on Mount Silver, for one thing." Red swirls a small moat around the lump of sand. "You kept writing to me even though I stopped answering."

"'til this past year."

"But then you wrote again."

"Yeah, 'cause it had been a year, and I was worried you were dead!" Red flinches a bit, and Green catches his voice. "Sorry. I just... I dunno. I needed closure."

Red looks up at him, this vulnerability hovering in his eyes. "Is this closure?"

"What, having you finally come off that god-forsaken mountain? Absolutely."

Maybe his tone was too harsh, too heavily coated in residual distress. Red inches away a little. "Sorry."

Green pulls him back into a one-sided hug. "Don't be sorry. You came back down, and that's all that matters. As long as you're safe, everything's okay."

Red doesn't move. "I dunno if I am."

Oh no.

"What do you mean?" Green lets go, and they both shift so he's sitting across from Red, now.

"I mean..." Red buries his fingers in the cool sand. "I dunno what I mean."

"Do you not feel safe?"

"That's... not really it."

"Well, what's this about? I'm more than willing to help you, Red, but I can't do much if you don't tell me what's wrong."

"...N seems like he's adjusting." An apparent topic change, but Green knows he's going to wrap it back around somehow.

"Yeah. That's good, 'cause I doubt Team Plasma treated him well. I think being with Touya has been helping him a lot."

"Yeah." Pause. "They seem really close."

"I mean, you can barely separate them for a minute, so I'd say they are." Anyone who knows the two of them well enough could say the same about he and Red, too.

"And I guess because he has Touya, he feels safer." Pause. "I don't... I don't know. I don't know why I don't feel better yet."

"Well," Green speaks gently, "these things take a lot of time, Red. You've been dealing with anxiety since you were still a kid, and you spent a lot of time on your own. It's gonna take awhile to get to the point you wanna be at, y'know? It doesn't mean anything's wrong, really, it just - "

"I wanna get better, though."

"I know, Red. Just be patient and do your best. That's all anyone can ask of you."

Red glances out toward the bay. "I guess."

"For what it's worth, I'm proud of you, Red."

Red practically throws himself onto Green, and for half a moment he's almost too startled to hug him back. The grip on his jacket is a familiar sensation, the weight of Red's head on his shoulder comforting even in the face of this kind of heavy atmosphere, a gentle reminder that Red is here, and so is Green. He breathes in the moment before Red speaks, before he can even begin to find the words he has to say.

"That's worth everything to me, Green."

Green grips him a little tighter. "I'm glad."

Green has to wonder if Red notices something in the air, or if maybe he's just making it up because he wants it to be there. It's unlikely that Red really feels the same way that Green does, because he's never shown even the slightest sign of a more romantic inclination towards... well, anyone, actually. It's not impossible, no, but there's a good chance that Red doesn't feel the same. Any gesture that could be misconstrued as potentially flirtatious, Green knows he can write off as merely curious, experimental, between hugs like this and first kisses on a mountain, too intimate yet somehow not at all. It's just a means of exploring the world, of working through life as it comes and goes like ocean waves.

Red leans into Green just a little more, though, and he wishes he could read minds, just to know if there's even a chance of reciprocity.

"...what's that?"

"What's what?" Green asks, eyes still shut. He feels Red point out toward the bay. "Dunno."

"You're not even looking," he pouts. Green reluctantly lets go and looks out toward the water, seeing these strange, glowing lights dancing from below the bay, traveling up to the gently wavering surface of the ocean.

"Still don't got a clue." Green stands up and walks toward the water. "Some kind of Pokémon? I dunno what all lives out here. Do you want me to check it out, or...?"

Green turns around to see Red still sitting on the sand, away from the water. "It's fine."

Green walks back over, offers his hand to Red, and he hesitantly takes it and lets himself get helped to his feet. "It's probably nothing, but I'm kinda curious, now."

"Right." Red eyes the water cautiously.

"Do you... Would you rather I not - "

"You can go look."

Green looks skeptically at Red. "You sure? I dunno if I should just leave you here."

Red huffs. "I'm not gonna run away again."

Admittedly, Green doesn't believe that, only because the years of being apart really got to his head. "Yeah, but I don't wanna leave you on the coast if you're not feeling good."

"...I'm fine."

"Bullshit."

Red pulls out one of his pokéballs, old and worn, and sends out Blastoise. "If you're so curious, I'm coming with you so you don't do anything stupid."

Funny. That used to be something Green said to Red when they were younger. "So be it. Slowking, come on out, we got some maritime investigating to do."

The two of them hop onto their respective Pokémon, letting them surf leisurely out toward the glowing lights in the bay. Green isn't sure if he and Red have surfed together in quite some time, actually. He recalls them racing back and forth along Cinnabar and Pallet's coasts after Red beat the Indigo League, but eventually even their nighttime excursions came to a halt as more and more spotlights hit Red. In hindsight, Green thinks he should have seen Red's disappearance from a mile away, should've expected that one day he would disappear and never come back. Even in simply visiting Viridian Forest or Cerulean Cave, Red would be gone for a day at first, then two, then a week... Green really should have known, should have stopped Red before it was too late, should've been just a little faster and a little more forceful, then maybe Red wouldn't have left.

_He's not gone, though. He's here, now._ Green still has this little doubt that this isn't a dream, and yet he's fallen asleep and woken back up plenty of times, and never once has Red disappeared.

"What are these?"

Green peers into the water where Red is pointing. There's almost a purplish glow, flickers of pink and blue that reflect off each other and swirl into one another. Whatever this is, it must be bioluminescent, but otherwise, Green is at a loss.

"Probably some kind of Pokémon," is all he can really offer. "Lemme check my 'dex, see what it has to say." He aims it at the water, scanning through the waves, and luckily it gets a hit of the creatures down there.

_Frillish_

_Floating Pokémon_

_If its veil-like arms stun and wrap a foe, that foe will be dragged miles below the surface, never to return._

Of course it's part ghost type. Ghost types are horrifying, and he will never, ever warm up to them.

"'With it's thin, veil-like arms wrapped around the body of its opponent, it sinks to the ocean floor,'" Red recites the entry his own Pokédex gives him. "Hm."

"That's horrendous."

"Pokémon need to eat, too."

"Yeah, but that's still terrifying," Green retorts, gesturing for Slowking to shift away from the lights. "That's literally - Red!"

Red, being the genius and Pokémon Champion and prodigy that he is, has decided it would be a good idea to reach his arm into the water up to his elbow.

_"Blas!"_ Even Blastoise knows this is a horrible idea.

"Red, I swear to you, if you get dragged underwater, I'm not gonna be able to dive _miles_ after you! Get your arm outta the water!"

"Relax, I'll be fine." Red does comply, though.

"Look, I dunno what you have to say about ghost Pokémon, but if all they're gonna do is kill you, you can't just - Red, I swear!"

His hand is in the water again. "Relax. If I never got hurt by any wild Larvitar or Sneasel, I won't get hurt by a Frillish."

"That's 'cause it's easier to avoid them! This is - "

Red quickly pulls his hand out of the water, and a pink, innocuous jellyfish pokes her head out of the water, smiling with a look of sweetness that could fool anyone who doesn't know what the species capable of doing.

_"Frillish!"_ That cry is weirdly melodic for something so haunting.

"Red, don't - "

Red whistles back to the Pokémon, matching the tone and flow of the Frillish's cry. She seems curious, now, tilting her head at him, and he matches that gesture, too.

_"Fri?"_ Another whistle mimics the noise. _"Friii!"_

"Red, it's gonna kill you."

"Nah."

_"Li li!"_

Red's own melodies continue to match the Pokémon's noises, somehow cute but also still anxiety-inducing. This thing looks so small, almost frail, and yet it's supposedly able to drown people in a heartbeat, dragging them miles down to the seafloor to probably consume, or maybe just torture for fun, he doesn't know. It wouldn't be uncharacteristic for a ghost type to be malicious, dangerous, uncontrollable and unpredictable. This is part of why Green doesn't like them; ghost types are so difficult to get a handle on, and if you're not especially careful, they'll try to drain your life force just because they get a little annoyed at you. Getting bit by an Eevee or shocked by a Pikachu is a much more innocent gamble than soul-reaping. He doesn't want to lose Red so soon after finally getting him back.

He'll be damned if Red playing with this ghost fish isn't kinda adorable, though.

"...I still don't think you should be messing with it, Red."

"It's fine."

_"Liii!"_

"Whaaat?" Red mimics back. The Frillish ducks back under the waves and swims off deeper into the bay, and as if there's absolutely nothing wrong with this decision, Red follows suit.

"Red!"

"C'mon!"

"For god's sake, Red..."

Green follows close behind, keeping close to Red but watching the Frillish with a careful eye. If this thing lashes out, they're both kinda done for. On one hand, Green is sure Blastoise would just knock it out if it hurt Red, and Slowking would be able to help without any issue, but he doesn't want Red to get hurt at all. Red is already just so happy to be here, calm and a bit playful, but if he gets sucked under the waves, Green doubts he'll feel okay for long.

_"Jel..."_

Peering up from just above the surface of the water, Green spots what looks to be an evolved Frillish. He pulls his Pokédex back out and thanks every professor for deciding to waterproof these things.

_Jellicent_

_Floating Pokémon_

_The fate of the ships and crew that wander into Jellicent's habitat: all sunken, all lost, all vanished._

Is there any entry that's any more reassuring than that? Green flips to the next one to find absolutely no comfort.

_They propel themselves by expelling absorbed seawater from their bodies. Their favorite food is life energy._

"Holy shit, that is _not_ okay." Again, Red seems to see no problem with this. He keeps whistling along to the Pokémon's haunting hum. "Red, we should go back."

"Why? You're not still scared of ghosts, are you?"

"N-Not ghosts, just ghost type Pokémon! They always have some god-awful secret to them!" Okay, admittedly, Green _is_ still a _little_ afraid of human ghosts, but like hell he's going to tell Red that. He's supposed to be protecting Red, after all, not the other way around.

"Then we can stay out here for a bit longer."

"Red, anyone who wanders into Jellicent territory literally goes missing."

Red looks back at him. "Well, does this one look like it's hurting anyone?"

"Well, no, but - "

"Then we're fine."

"C'mon, Red!"

"Well," Red smirks at Green, "if you're so scared of a few little fish, I _suppose_ we can go back to the sand."

"Thank you, for fuck's sake..."

"Did you know there's a ghost type Pokémon in Alola made out of sand?"

"Red, I'll fight you right now."

Red laughs, directing Blastoise back towards the shore. "Relax, they don't live in Unova, as far as I know."

Wait.

"How did you find that out?" Red has been living in near isolation for years. How does he know about Alolan Pokémon?

"Rosa mentioned something about Alola, and I wanted to look up some stuff about the region."

"Why's that? You wanna visit, or something?"

Green could swear he sees a hint of a blush on Red's face, but he has to be imagining it. "I was just curious."

_"Li lii!"_

They're nearly back at the sand, but the little pink Frillish seems to still be interested in Red. He whistles back to it, and for a few moments they seem to be speaking their own little language. Green half wonders if Red and N both have the whole _speaks to Pokémon_ thing going for them.

"...do you wanna come with me?" Red asks at last.

_"Frilli!"_

"Great, so now we have a murderous sea critter coming with us, huh?" Green mumbles. Neither Red nor the Frillish seem to hear or care.

Red rummages around in his bag for an empty pokéball, holding it out toward the Pokémon. "Are you sure?"

_"Fri fri!"_

With a sweet smile ( _why is he so cute_ ), Red presses the button of the pokéball to the Frillish's head, engulfing it in a bright crimson light, and just like that, Frillish is his.

"Well," Green sighs, "even though it's a creepy ghost fish, I guess that's not a bad first catch of the region, huh?"

Red looks up from the pokéball that he's been smiling at, then looks at Green. "Oh. I guess this is my first Unova Pokémon."

Green smiles fondly at his rival, his friend. "You didn't realize?"

Red shrugs, and the two of them hop back onto the sand. "Didn't think about it."

"Obviously." Green recalls Slowking. "You don't think sometimes when stuff comes that naturally to you."

Red calls Blastoise back before he speaks again. "I've just been thinking about... other stuff."

"What other stuff?"

"...dunno. I'm just happy to... be here, I think." He's avoiding something, Green can tell.

"Is that _really_ all, Red?"

Red is heading back up the sand, and Green follows quietly. Maybe he shouldn't be teasing Red. Is he still in a bit of a sensitive spot right now?

"I'm just..." Red trails off and sits back down wordlessly in the sand.

"Hey, don't sweat it, Red," Green sits next to him once more. "I'm just teasing - "

"I just missed you."

Red's confession comes overtop of Green's words, and he almost doesn't know if Red said it or not. "What was that?"

"...I missed you." His voice is quieter, clearer this time. Green puts his arm around him again.

"I missed you too." Pause. "That's why I didn't want you getting eaten by a jellyfish."

Red grins softly and leans into Green. "It's fine, I'm fine."

"Yeah, 'cause I made sure you didn't do anything too dangerous."

"As per usual."

"You can be kinda a mess, y'know."

"Yeah, but I'm _your_ mess."

Green doesn't have an answer for that, because he needs to process whether that was supposed to be flirtatious or not. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> did someone order some hurt/comfort/fluff because i sure did ghfdjkggjh
> 
> anyway, Green is in _love_ and does not know how to go about doing or saying anything to Red about it. he just loves his friend and wants to protect him from anxiety and death fish (seriously those are real pokédex entries, i love Frillish a lot but that's a little terrifying lmao)
> 
> also Green has some issues with carrying guilt from literally every bad thing that's ever happened to Red! eventually that might bite him in the ass but for now he's managing decently ~~but you know how much i love angst soooo~~


	25. sunshine, sunshine over the past

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> N has never visited a beach at length before, but being out here with Touya is nice. It's a soothing atmosphere to share their thoughts with one another.

"I'm not actually too upset about it."

N realizes, objectively, that Red was destined to win against Touya in some way, no matter how close to a tie that battle was. He's drawn to Green in this impossibly magnetic way - they're drawn to each other, really. It would have been amazing if Touya had beat Red, would've been outstanding if Touya had won the whole tournament, but N knows that some things just weren't meant to be, some things just never seem to come to fruition, and sometimes, that's just as well. If every dream was meant to be, N would be in a very different spot in the world himself, and he can't say he would be too happy. He definitely wouldn't have Touya by his side today, if that were the case. Touya seems to understand this too, that no one can't win every time, and that's just as well.

Hence, it seems Touya doesn't mind losing all that much, which is a relief.

"I'm glad," N says. "I was worried you were going to be upset about getting that far and not reaching the final."

Touya just shakes his head. "Trust me, I would've been a mess if I got to the final. I was kinda anxious about even getting as far as I did. I think the only reason I did well against Red is because I fell into the flow."

"You did seem very focused once the battle got underway," N agrees. "Was it at least a good battle to end on?"

"Oh, it was incredible," he laughs a little. "That's the most fun I've had in a Pokémon battle since I beat Alder at the Unova League. And now," Touya leans back into the sun a bit more, "we get to relax on the beach."

N actually hasn't been to a beach before, that much is a given. Most of his life has been spent either living in a castle far away from civilization, locked away in those mountains, or hiding in a forest surrounded by only Pokémon for company. He's travelled quite a ways around the world since he left Unova, and he's walked _past_ beachfront towns before, but for some reason he never bothered to spend any time at them. He supposes maybe he just prefers the familiarity of the forest. He also prefers having longer clothes to wear in a forest, covering old scars he doesn't even want to remember. It was very kind of Touya to go out at almost ten in the evening to get some suitable beach clothes for him the night before, after having a bit of a panic about _what do you mean you don't have any other clothes?_ N didn't have the chance to get any other outfits before he left, and even if he did, he wouldn't have ever considered swim trunks or short sleeves...

Despite the unfamiliar attire, the sun does feel nice on his skin.

"You falling asleep over there?" Touya almost whispers, just loud enough to hear over the bay waves.

"Maybe."

"You're lucky I told you about sunscreen, or else you'd be frying right about now."

N laughs a little. "Well, I'm sorry, I guess not everyone has the ability to tan without burning from ultraviolet rays, Touya."

"Lemme see it!"

"What is it with you all and ghosts?!"

Ethan and Green's bantering makes N look up from his spot on the sand. There's a lot of sloshing around from them, then a red beam of light emerges from under the water.

_"Friliii!"_

Touya sits up too, now. "A Frillish?"

The jellyfish is zipping through the water, swimming laps around Green. "Can you - no, quit it! Ethan wants to see you, not me, so don't - don't you _dare_ grab me, you little - !"

"Did you make a new friend, Green?" Touya calls as they hop up to investigate.

"This little shit won't leave me alone, and Red's not stopping it!"

Oh? "Where is Red, anyway?" N asks.

As if on cue, the champion pops up from under the waves. He looks weird with his hair slicked down, without his hat, but that's still definitely Red. He makes a few signs N can't quite decipher.

"Red caught a Frillish last night 'cause it decided it wanted to be his friend, and now - " Green gets dunked under the water, which is barely three feet deep, but he still comes back to the surface in a panic. " - n-now it's trying to kill me!"

N is trying not to laugh. "It's not trying to hurt you, but if you keep running away from it, it's going to think you're some kind of prey."

"Well, I'm obviously - " A blast of water hits Green in the back of the head. "Red, control your fish!" Another sign. "What do you _mean_ you are?! I'll fight you right now!"

Faintly, over the ruckus his friends are causing, memories of a quiet evening with Touya come to the surface of N's mind, the shimmers of light from the Frillish dancing across the waves off the edge of Nuvema Town. He wonders if maybe he can find that peace again here.

"Where did they find a Frillish?" N muses aloud.

"Probably deeper in the bay," Touya offers. "The inlet here is a popular swimming spot because it's kinda like a pool, but sometimes people swim out in the open water down that way."

N looks off in the direction Touya points toward. Something about that area almost looks familiar... He visited here _very_ briefly when he returned to help Rosa stop Ghetsis from hurting Kyurem, but he can't recall what's down there (besides Frillish, from the sound of it).

"...did you wanna walk down there?" Touya offers.

"That would be lovely, yes." Maybe it'll jog his memory.

Touya gives a wave to the rest of the crowd, and with that, the two of them are off. The light chirping of Wingull passing through the air is incredibly peaceful, coupled with the lapping water at his feet and splashing of various aquatic friends out deeper in the water. It seems somehow familiar out here, but... Oh, he did visit Undella Town, and he spoke to someone researching something, but he can't quite recall what just yet.

"Are you doing okay, N?" Touya asks, his voice clearer somehow - or maybe N is just happy to hear him.

"I'm... pensive," he admits. "I feel like I've been here before, but I don't recall specifically what - I mean, I know I've visited very briefly here, but... hm." He trails off.

"Did you go to any other beach that was kinda like this, maybe?"

N shakes his head. "Besides coming here for a few minutes when I returned to Unova for a short time, I've never been to a beach."

"Right." Pause. "I dunno. Maybe it's just déjà vu."

That would make sense, but it almost makes too much sense for N to believe. "I suppose."

"I know _I've_ definitely been here before," Touya continues casually. "My mom used to take Touko and I up here all the time when we were kids. We were never supposed to leave the inlet in town, but as we got a little older she started letting us come out here. She stopped letting Touko call the shots when we almost got stranded on that sandbar out there, though."

N peers into the waves and notices the lighter patch of water. "That's quite a ways out for someone still young."

"Yeah - and Touko's not a strong swimmer, either," he laughs. "We only got out there and played because it was low tide, but then the tide rose, and she kinda freaked out. Mom was just coming back to check up on us, and she had to wade the _whole_ twenty feet out to get her because Touko was too scared to try and swim back. Swimming is the only athletic thing she's never been good at, but that's the only thing I can really do."

N skids his feet through the water, relishing the cooler temperature in the more open bay. "You had a nice childhood."

"Yeah." Pause. "We stopped coming down here when we got older, but I dunno exactly why. I think it was because mom and Touko would just kinda sit on the sand instead of actually go swimming or make sand castles, and I guess mom figured we could do that closer to home."

N nods a bit. He feels a bit of a pang in his chest, a longing for that kind of memory, but his younger years have already come and gone, and unfortunately he can't even bring himself to remember them with any clarity. Maybe one happy memory is buried somewhere in his past.

"...s-sorry, are you not feeling good?" Touya notices his unease.

"N-No, no, I'm perfectly fine, I'm just... starting to think." About Team Plasma, about the Pokémon even he couldn't hear, about the faint white scars from a Hydreigon's teeth exposed for the first time to the sun, about the castle, his sisters, his father, if he could even call him that, about his name, the name he was given, Natural Harmonia, being a king, _King Harmonia, listen to king's words, king is brave, king is kind, king never loses hope, king has a dream, king accepts all, king fought hatred, king acts with love, king's light shines, king talks to all beings, the great king -_

"Harmonia."

"...what?" Touya tugs at N's hand when he doesn't answer. "N, what is it?"

N smiles and gestures for Touya to sit in the sand with him. "I remembered why this place is familiar. I didn't get to spend much time here, but I did learn about the ruins in this bay."

"The Abyssal Ruins?"

"Yes." Pause. "I'd like to dive down and visit them someday, if I'm ever able to do that."

Touya hesitates before answering. "We... We can probably rent some scuba gear for you and head down, i-if you really wanna explore."

The sea breeze is lovely. "That would be nice."

"...what did you learn about the ruins?"

N digs his fingers into the warm sand. "When I visited last, there was a woman trying to decipher the meaning of the hieroglyphs in the ruins. The curious thing is that the symbols not only seemed to be anagrams, but they also seemed to have a correlation to the symbols found in the ruins of the Johto region, and some area between there and the Sinnoh region. The symbols in the Ruins of Alph, she told me, were able to be decoded into modern-day language."

"I see..." N feels Touya shift a little closer.

"And I believe," he continues, "that she had been studying all of those ruins, and was able to make a breakthrough into the message. She let me look at her work, and much of the texts were either directing those ancient people through the complex or speaking highly of a great king they had."

N looks over at Touya. He seems a little anxious.

"A... king?"

N nods. "The exact identity of these people and their king is still unknown, as far as I know. I may need to find that woman again and ask her how that research has developed. I believe she said she has a summer villa here, so perhaps I could speak with her again sometime soon."

"Right."

A particularly large surge of water comes up, though it's still small enough that it only reaches N's toes. He feels a stress in his shoulders has collapsed, feels himself become limp and easy and calm. For all his life, N recalls that he has always, always had this tension in his shoulders, his neck, every inch of his body seemingly braced for impact at any given time. Perhaps it was a defense mechanism, or perhaps it just became a constant for him after years of living with Ghetsis and Hydreigon.

Somehow, that misery feels far away, if only for this moment.

"Is the king thing about... um..." Touya starts to ask something, but trails off.

"...about Team Plasma?" N can only assume that's why he's hesitating, and Touya nods. "No - well, it was, at first, but it's nothing like that now."

"What do you mean?"

The waves lap at his feet again. "It's about the essence of the quotes, not what's on the surface. All of them speak about how the king is kind, and brave, and how he fights hate and encourages love. It's... All of it is what I wanted to be as a king, which I... never had a chance to do," he sighs. "But I can still be that way now. Maybe not a king, but if I have the same name as one, then I should try to carry on in his honor."

N looks at Touya again, who just looks baffled. "What do you mean you have the same name?"

"I think my - " no, not his father, "I think Ghetsis must have known about the scripts, and perhaps he took the name himself, then gave it to me." N looks back into the water, hoping the waves will wash the man's face out of his memory. "There was a particular set of missing text with just enough characters to correlate to the name _Harmonia,_ and the crown the woman found in the ruins was almost the same style as the one I was given by the Sages, so..." He sighs. "I suppose I can't prove anything, but I would like to associate my name with that of a kind king from ancient times than the more recent past."

"Oh." Touya sounds relieved. "I-I was worried you were upset about it, o-or something."

"No, no!" N insists. "I was actually very relieved! I didn't feel like I could just rename myself, and I didn't want to associate with Team Plasma anymore, so finding a connection between my name and something else was comforting."

Touya smiles and leans his head on N's shoulder for just a moment, but just enough of a moment to make his heart skip a few beats. "I'm glad. I-I just wanna make sure you're okay."

N can only speak when Touya moves his head. "You do ask that a lot."

"Y-Yeah, sorry, I-I just worry about everyone," he explains. "Cheren used to get kinda annoyed with it, too, b-because I'd ask if he was okay when literally nothing was apparently wrong."

"I think it's very kind of you. It can be easy to disregard the feelings of others." That's something N used to know all too well, until Touya came along and tore his world apart in the best possible way, tore apart the curtains shrouding him from the natural harmony of the world as it is, a mixture of everything and anything, never black and white.

"It's just kinda in my nature, I guess."

"That's very rare."

Touya sifts through the sand. "I guess? I-I just think it's kinda common courtesy."

"It is, but courtesy isn't as common as it should be sometimes."

That makes Touya laugh. "Okay, true. I-I always thought it was a little weird that the courteous thing to do when another trainer sees you is to immediately battle. Sometimes you're just trying to get to the next city over, y'know?"

"That was the first thing that bothered me when I was allowed to travel," N huffs. "It seems almost cruel."

"I-It's just... customary, at this point. Usually, if your team is really hurt, people will let you off the hook or maybe even give you a spare potion or something."

"At least there's that."

The water seems to rise up just a little bit more, but N is making no moves to stand back up. He just wants to stay her with Touya for awhile, sit out on the sand and let the waves fill his head and whisk away every ache and pain he has. The sea mist leaves a peculiar feeling in his hair, slightly gritty and just a bit damp, but someone it feels a little softer now.

N glances at Touya. He's actually very beautiful, in his own way. Without his hat, his bangs fall messily between his eyes, the back of it sticking out at odd angles with this lovely windswept look. His brown eyes almost seem to glow in the sun, almost shifting from a deep coffee to a light chocolate color. His swimsuit almost seems to suit him more naturally than his heavy sweater and pants, actually, or maybe it's because he just looks so at peace right now that everything is right with the world, everything is right with Touya, this neutral, soothing presence who never once disappeared from the back of N's mind in his years of travel.

He's lucky that Touya never gave up on him.

"Oh!" Touya suddenly springs up and darts into the waves. "Come back, come back - "

"W-What is it?" N starts to get up to give chase, but in an instant Touya swings his hand through the waves and seems to catch something.

"Got it!"

"What did you catch?"

Touya comes back with a smile, sitting a little closer to N than he was before. "Sea glass. I used to collect it when we came down here more often, but it's been awhile since I've found any. I bet there'll be more tomorrow morning, too. Daybreak is the best time to go looking for it, in fact."

Touya opens his hand to show N a small fragment of sea green glass, tumbled smooth and covered in a gritty texture.

"...sea glass?" He... kinda doesn't understand what's so exciting about a piece of glass, especially if it's technically a pollutant.

"Yeah. You've never heard of it?" N shakes his head. "Well, um, w-whenever glass bottles or... well, any kind of glass gets lost in the ocean, th-the waves eventually start to break it down, right? A-And it, um, eventually it gets tumbled down until it's soft and kinda rough from the sand hitting it constantly, a-and then it washes back up on the shore." Pause. "I-I just always thought it was pretty. This color is also kinda rare, too. U-Usually sea glass is brown or dark green. I have a few bottles worth of sea glass on my dresser at home."

"I see..." So it _is_ pollutants in the water, but for some reason Touya has been collecting them. At least he's getting them out of the habitat. "Why do you collect them?"

He shrugs. "I just think they're neat. I-I even tried to teach myself how to wrap them in wire, s-so that I could make a few of my favorite pieces into pendants. W-Whenever mom would take us to a fancy event, l-like a wedding or something, I would wear one just for comfort. I-It reminded me of the ocean and helped me stay calm."

Maybe it is more than a piece of trash. One man's trash is another's treasure, after all. "Can I see that one?"

"Yeah, here!" The way Touya smiles is going to melt N's heart faster than the sun.

The piece just fills the dip in N's palm, vaguely the shape of an isosceles triangle, and the the gentle bow of the piece seems to indicate that it came from a bottle of about four inches in diameter, if even that. It's smooth to the touch on the concave side, oddly, with the other face being rougher, perhaps not as well treated against scratches as the interior, or maybe it was protected for a bit longer before its source material shattered at the hands of mother nature.

Curiously, N holds a lock of his hair next to it, which almost seems to to be the same shade.

"Hey, you match," Touya laughs.

"It seems we do." N holds the piece a little tighter. It's not really the glass that he's attached to, he realizes. No, it's Touya, it's all these little things that he's slowly learning about his friend. He's remembers how Touya would tell him little secrets and excerpts from his life in these quiet moments, away from Team Plasma, either talking over a small cooking fire in Pinwheel Forest, hiding out from a harsh sandstorm in the Desert Resort, speaking softly to one another in the depths of Chargestone Cave, whenever they may find a moment to themselves. It was often these little, peculiar things that would catch N's attention more than anything else, stories about Touya waking up early to watch the Pidove fly off to find food, how he's never been able to clean all the glue off his desk from his childhood arts and crafts projects, his fondness for the sea breeze in Nuvema and the way he used to collect flower petals in the spring on windy days.

Touya appreciates the little things in life, and N finds that genuinely endearing.

"...you can keep it if you want it, you know."

N jolts out of his thoughts. "What?"

"You can keep the sea glass if you want." Touya grins a bit. "You've been looking at it for awhile."

Oh. "I-I just, um, j-just got lost in thought, that's all." Touya's amused smile makes N feel a little flushed - or maybe it's just the sun, yeah, that's all.

"You should keep it. It'll be your souvenir from your first beach trip."

More than that, the little shard of glass feels like the red thread linking N and Touya together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> welcome to part 2 of _obligatory slowburn fluffy beach episode_ featuring my favorite christmas tree  
>  N? having a chapter where he isn't upset over anything for too long?? it's more likely than you think. this boy needs a break and he gets it in the form of ocean waves and Touya being very ~~attractive~~ supportive. i honestly really like writing fluff for these two, they both have this easy sort of energy and N getting flustered when he realizes _shoot Touya is really cute_ is fun lmao  
>  ~~and again this ends up being longer than i anticipated hfjkdghjkfd~~


	26. frozen, frozen, in time and in memory

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> N just wants to move on from Team Plasma. It seems like this is going to haunt him for awhile longer, though.

"Why are we going to Lacunosa Town again?"

N does, in fact, know exactly why Touya wants them to go to Lacunosa Town. Admittedly, he did offer to arrange for this ordeal to happen in Undella, so they wouldn't have to leave the beach so soon, but N opted to simply follow along and try to keep himself steady. He's not particularly fond of surprises like this, he has to admit, and whenever he's blindsided with something new, he gets a bit stressed out. He'd rather relocate this stress to another town, rather than having it associated in any way with the nice beachside memories he's been making over the past days with his friends, new and old.

N was really hoping he wouldn't have to be part of any more interrogations about Team Plasma, though.

"We're going to meet up with a former admin of Neo Plasma," Touya explains, a bit more short than usual, his voice clipping itself oddly. "We have plenty of testimony between the two of you, but we want to compare them side by side, now."

"Didn't you decide we were saying the same things?"

"We did, yes. Still, any further testimony will make your case stronger. We have a few more questions, too."

"What if I mess up, though?"

"You can't say anything incriminating if you weren't at fault."

N's stomach is in knots. He hates this, he hates that Touya is speaking like this, it's a weird tone of voice that doesn't sound quite like Touya. It's making him nervous, it's making him feel like he's done something wrong, it's making him feel like Touya is mad at him, like Touya isn't entirely himself. He has the same body, mind, the same heart and soul, but there's this unfamiliar look in his eyes. The way his voice usually flows so smoothly, the way it seems to linger for a moment after he finishes his words, that natural echo he has is gone, just muffled enough to be not quite Touya.

"It's okay, N. You're going to be okay."

A bit of Touya's right voice comes through when N grabs his hand, tightly enough to elicit that comfort he's seeking. It doesn't quite reach N, though.

"Touya?"

"Hm."

"You're scaring me."

That stops Touya dead in his tracks, brings his voice and eyes back to normal. "What?"

"Y-You're... You're acting weird."

Touya keeps walking, holding N's hand, moving just a bit slower, more like himself. "What do you mean? I-I mean, I'm kinda in a rush, but..."

How does he explain this? "You just didn't seem like yourself. Wh-When you were explaining just now, i-it didn't sound like you, a-and you had this different look in your eyes, and..." He trails off. This has to sound insane.

"I-I mean... This is kinda a serious issue, but I'm still me..."

N exhales shakily. How is he supposed to just accept that? Touya has never acted this way. The only time N saw something even close to this mood from Touya was when he went to fight Ghetsis himself, and even then, Touya was still... there. He was angry, yes, there was magma in his eyes and lightning in his voice, but it was still properly, truly Touya, he could still see _him_ in there. Why can't he see him properly now, then? What's the matter with him? Rather, what's the matter with N? He's probably just being ridiculous, but...

"N? Are you okay?"

"No."

Silence. Touya slows a little more.

"...N, I-I understand you're not entirely comfortable, b-but I really, _really_ need you to work with me, o-okay? You're not in any trouble, I-I promise. The point of all this is to prove exactly that; you're not in trouble."

"Then why are you acting like I am?"

The sun is starting to set. The other sunsets they've seen in the past few days have had a much lighter air to them.

"Am I acting like I'm mad at you?"

"I think so..."

Touya shakes his head. "N, I could never be mad at you. Ever. I promise."

He's struggling to catch his breath. "But... But you..."

That clipped voice, that harsh look, these formal sentences that take only scheduling and procedure into account, that clinical glaze over his eyes, hiding anything even remotely empathetic -

_Ghetsis was a bit like that._

"Never mind." No, no, Touya isn't like that. N is just overthinking it, that's all. Objectively, he knows this, but his heart is still pounding.

Touya hugs N for just a moment, a moment that's far too short and a little too cold. "It's alright, N. I'm going to keep you safe, okay? I swear - I-I swear on my life."

_Empathy._ That's one of Touya's virtues, and as far as N is concerned, that's his trademark. Seeing that missing from Touya for even a second is jarring.

"Are you mad at me?"

"What? No, of course not!" Touya takes N's hands in his own, but N can only see this gesture in his peripheral vision. His eyes are locked on the grass below their feet, while the ocean waves start to overwhelm his ears. "I could never be mad at you, N."

Touya's tightening grip on N's hands wakes him up from this daze he's working himself into. He looks up through his bangs to see Touya, just Touya, not this strange version of Touya that isn't quite right, not this weird echo of something, someone else.

"I-I'm still me, N. I'm always me."

"But you didn't seem like you."

Touya looks a bit defeated. "I don't... I don't think I totally understand what you're saying."

He really should just shake it off. If N keeps this up, Touya _will_ be mad at him, he'll find a way. "I don't think I understand either anymore. I'm just anxious."

"About..."

"Meeting this person."

"Why didn't you just say so?"

_Because it's partially a lie._ "I didn't really know what was wrong."

Touya hugs him one more time, a little longer, long enough to calm N's racing breaths. "Well, I'm glad we figured it out. I-I do want you to know he doesn't support Ghetsis, okay? It's alright, h-he's not really that bad of a person."

"Not _that_ bad?"

Touya pulls away, looking a bit concerned. "S-Some of the stuff he does is... H-His morals are... He's kinda a grey area."

"Ah." That's not comforting.

"Th-The one thing he's super adamant about is not supporting Ghetsis, though," Touya adds, the rays of fading sun dancing over his hair, shimmering almost a hue of gold. "S-So it's gonna be okay, okay? Can you trust me?"

N nods. That's really all he can do. "I'll trust you, Touya."

He grins softly in the fading light. "Thank you, N. W-We should head into town now. They don't like people walking around after dark."

"Because of Kyurem, right?" N asks.

"I-I dunno, actually. Nate mentioned his mom grew up here, a-and that's why she used to give him kinda a strict curfew," Touya answers. "I never really questioned it, though. When in Kalos, do as the Kalosians do."

N is pretty sure it's about Kyurem, from what he remembers. He wonders if the dragon is still nearby.

The two of them enter Lacunosa Town just as the light is fading. The town looks to be completely deserted, in fact, which is... bizarre. Yes, everyone has a strict curfew, out of fear of the misunderstood dragon, but it's still odd to see a town just shut down like this. It's truly an architectural beauty, though, a town constructed almost entirely out of stones and other masonry units. It has a nice, rustic feel to it.

"N, I need you to listen to me, okay?" Touya is trying to keep his voice low, steady, but his usual lingering hum is still there, a comforting reverberation.

"I'm listening."

"I need to act professional when we go speak to the former admin, does that make sense? I-It's a formal interview that we're going to use for legal purposes, s-so... I-I mean," that stammer is so familiar, comfortingly so, "I-I won't be able to, y'know, bend any of the rules, u-unless something is really, _really_ wrong, okay? So I need you to stay grounded."

That request makes him nervous, though. "C-Can I at least see Samurott again?"

"Of course, yeah. He's a therapy Pokémon for a reason, heh." The laugh is a bit forced, a bit stressed. "But please, _please_ promise me you'll try to stay calm, okay? I-I can only ask you to try, b-but I can't give you special treatment over him, b-because that kinda ruins the validity of the interview."

As Touya says this, his hand slips away from N's, and now he feels empty.

"I understand."

"Good. L-Let's head in."

Touya knocks on the door, and the door opens to reveal Alder, of all people.

"Good, you made it," he greets them warmly. "Come on in, we don't want anyone causing a fuss out there."

"Y-Yeah, s-sorry we're late." Touya still sounds like himself. "We got a bit caught up."

"Don't worry about it, we're all here now. So, about..."

N's focus drifts away from the two champions and over to the man standing at the far end of the house. He seems preoccupied with something he's looking at on a tablet, a blue swish of hair wrapping around his face and almost perfectly obscuring his eyes from this angle. N can't really gauge anything about his character without seeing his eyes. It's always the eyes, the windows to the soul, that's what N looks for in a person or a Pokémon, trying to get a read on them before he even considers approaching, because that's the only way for him to tell if he's going to be safe.

"N, come on."

Oh no. No, he doesn't know this person.

"N?" Touya's voice wills him to move.

"R-Right." No, he can't get nervous here, he can't let Touya down this quickly, he can't let Touya get mad at him, he can't help but think _I could never be mad at you_ is a lie, and he doesn't want to find out if it is. They sit at a small table set up in the kitchen, certainly not made for more than two people at once, but it's good enough for now. Touya and Alder sit next to each other, leaving N to sit diagonally from Touya, _away_ from him. No, this isn't okay.

"For the record, Alder, N wants to have Samurott back out for this. Is that cleared?" Touya asks.

"Of course," the older champion nods. "Send him on out."

Samurott appears in an instant, nuzzling Touya the moment he situates himself. "Hey, buddy. Can you go sit by N for now?"

_"Saaam."_ The otter scoots over to N, and immediately N's hand is gingerly rubbing his neck. Samurott seems more than okay with this situation.

"Alright," Alder settles into his chair. "You ready to record, Touya?"

"Yep. Are you two ready?"

"Yes." This man's voice is smooth in a way that Touya's isn't, a bit colder and a bit more... something.

"N?"

Right, right. "I'm ready, yes."

"Begin log, May 7, 7:15 pm. Located at Lacunosa Town, Unova Region. Can you each please state your name and your affiliations, current or past?" So, so clinical.

"My name is Colress." Ah. "My current work is largely independent research with minor financial assistance from Alola's Aether Foundation, and I'm currently training an apprentice, Nate Blake. I was previously affiliated with Team Neo Plasma just over a year ago."

Alder looks to N. He feels himself stall out for a few seconds.

"My... M-My name is N Harmonia." He's done this before. Why is he freezing up now? "I-I was previously affiliated with... Team Plasma three years ago."

N looks to Touya for any comfort. There's none; he's busy.

"Can each of you explain your respective responsibilities?"

Again, Colress answers first. "I was appointed lead scientist and administrator by Ghetsis. I shared my administrative duties with the Sage Zinzolin - granted, he acted as more of a public figure than I did. Much of my work was behind the scenes, so to speak."

Again, N hesitates. He feels sick, even with Samurott's fur under his fingers. "I... was..." How does he say this? "Ghetsis had... I-I was coronated as the king of Team Plasma. I-I was told to encourage trainers to release their Pokémon." Should he say more? He's practically losing his voice.

"We can agree that the common link is that Ghetsis gave both of you your respective positions, correct?"

"Yes." Colress answers, but N can only manage to nod.

"N," _no -_ "can I ask exactly what you mean when you say you were coronated?"

His voice is almost gone, his focus is fading, but the weight of Samurott's head on his shoulder wakes him up. "Y-Yes. Um... I-I was given the knowledge a king would need, to..." He's losing it again.

"You told us about this knowledge before, so don't sweat all that." Oh thank god. "I guess I'm trying to ask what you mean by _coronation,_ specifically."

N grips his wrist tight, trying to ground himself with some sort of pressure. "Um. Yes." Wait, what? "It was, um, h-he said it was a ritual derived from an ancient people. I don't really know much else about it. I-It was, uh, I-I suppose essentially what you would imagine a fantasy-setting coronation to be. Th-That's kinda what it felt like, at least."

"I see." Finally, the spotlight shifts. "Colress, how does that sound?" _Wait what -_

"While Ghetsis said the whole thing was a _dog and pony show,_ " he air-quotes that phrase, "he did say they made it into quite the production. If it seemed like something out of a fantasy novel, I wouldn't be surprised. Ghetsis's preoccupation with royalty was omnipresent, even in Neo Plasma."

"Were you given any special treatment when you were given your position, Colress?"

"Clarify." Colress's voice is cold, but there's still something else there.

"Was there anything adjacent to a coronation, is what I mean."

"Not formally, no. He did give a bit of a speech to me privately, though."

"Was this the speech you told me about October of last year?"

"I believe so. That included our discussion of royalty, right?"

"Right. Now, N," _stop -_ "can I ask you to describe Ghetsis in a word?"

It takes a minute for N to find the right word, but even then, it doesn't describe the whole story. "Cruel."

Alder looks to the right. "Colress?"

"Abhorrent." That's a bit closer.

"Do either of you disagree with the other?"

"N-No." N only lets go of his wrist when his hand goes numb.

"Not at all."

"N, can you tell me briefly how Ghetsis treated you?"

"He was... not very kind." That's all he can manage to say. He doesn't want to think about this anymore. He wants to go back to the beach with Touya, Touya who is so silently and diligently and distantly taking notes over there.

"Can you elaborate?" N feels everyone's eyes on him, all but Touya's. He could puke under the pressure.

"He... didn't quite consider me human, I don't think." _Freak without a human heart._ "I don't know why he made me king. I guess he thought... knew, I would be easy to... manipulate?" N looks at Touya for an answer, but there's only a quiet acknowledgement, _go on,_ but he's getting sick. "I... he treated me like I was one of my Pokémon friends. He..."

_You're telling me your father brainwashed you and locked you in a room with abused Pokémon?_

That was actually a line Red gave him, back when they first met on Mount Silver. The next words come more easily, those memories bubbling up swiftly.

"He was using me."

Silence. The room is too dark, somehow.

"...Colress? Any input?"

"Ghetsis used anyone he could get his hands on. This is perfectly in-character for him."

Another memory. "...sometimes he apologized."

Alder and Touya look a little surprised at N, but Colress seems to understand, somehow. "When did he apologize?" Alder asks.

"Just... occasionally. It was never really consistent." _Well, it doesn't sound like it was a sincere apology,_ Red said _._ "I don't think he meant it. Someone told me that an apology is a process, and he never _did_ anything to prove he was sorry, so... he was lying."

"Agreed," Colress nods.

"On what basis?" Alder asks Colress, not doubtfully, but looking for information.

"Because I believe any shred of kindness he ever showed _me_ was all a complete lie." He sighs, slips his hand under his glasses to cover his eyes, exhausted at the mere thought of Ghetsis. "I don't know if he was ever careful enough to do this to anyone else, but when he would apologize to me for anything, he would typically ask something of me the next day, or even within the next few hours. He would apologize for things that weren't even necessarily his fault, for losing power in the lab because _I_ overestimated a current, for example. It was a form of manipulation. An apology is a process, sure, but he didn't use for its intended purpose."

"I agree that he would manipulate people with apologies," N actually speaks up now, "th-that makes sense, but... his behavior toward you seems... unfamiliar." He isn't discrediting Colress in favor of Ghetsis, but this doesn't really make sense.

"For reference," Colress actually looks at N, and he can finally place that emotion in his eyes as fatigue, "I was a particularly unusual case in regards to Ghetsis's behavior. I've seen his cruelty mostly as a bystander rather than a victim."

That's bizarre. "Why? N-Not to say that he should have hurt you," he quickly adds, "b-but - "

"You may disagree," he cuts N off, "but I would've rather he hurt me."

Silence. Colress carries on.

"His behavior toward me was almost entirely emotional manipulation. Granted, I did play into some of his desire for compliance, but when I was dealing with him, any misdemeanor could have meant death."

"Did you see him kill someone too?"

It's that _too_ that gives it away, gives away in some secret breath why N is so terrified of Hydreigon, why even a glare or a growl horrifies him.

"...I've seen the aftermath, but not the whole incident."

"Ah."

"Did you... Did he - "

"I-I don't remember what the member did wrong," N blurts out, trying to force the images out of his head and into words, "b-but he didn't like something she said, and they started yelling, s-so I got closer to hear what was going on, then I heard Hydreigon, and I went in to see what was happening, and..." Then there was screaming, a grotesque tearing noise, and blood. "I left after that."

"But you saw him kill someone?" Colress sounds shocked.

N digs his nails into his palm. "He told Hydreigon to..."

He shakes his head. "I heard that used to be more common before I showed up, but..."

"W-Wait, was he doing any better when you were there?"

"Well, he wasn't using Hydreigon as often."

Dead silence.

"Colress," Alder starts again, "to clarify, did you ever witness Ghetsis kill someone?"

"I may have heard him through the walls, but I never witnessed it. I just saw bodies being carted off right after the commotion."

"How about you, N?"

"Only that once..." His palm is almost bleeding, and he speaks so softly he's not sure if anyone will hear his plea. "I don't wanna talk about this anymore."

"Was there something else you meant to ask about?" Colress asks, saving N from this.

"Right, um..." Alder collects himself. "N, was Ghetsis ever kind to you?"

He searches through his earliest memories for something, anything. "He... wasn't always _as_ cruel."

"Colress?"

"He was far too kind until the very end."

That's still so unorthodox to N. "I still don't understand why, Colress."

"N, if I could tell you why, I wouldn't be wracking my own brain for an answer," he sighs. "I know he kept a log of daily events across many notepads, and I thought if I could find one, maybe I could make _some_ sense of him, but..."

"I thought he always kept those notepads with him."

"Did he? Do you think he would have taken it with him?"

"He would have, unless - oh!" N snaps his fingers. "No, I think he dropped it when Rosa and I confronted him!"

"Wasn't that in the Giant Chasm?" Touya cuts in, breaking the rules he swore he wouldn't break.

"Yes, where he took Kyurem," N confirms.

Touya looks at Alder. "There's no sense waiting around if we know where it is, right?"

"N, are you sure that he dropped it there?"

N nods at Alder. "Positive. I remember seeing it fall, and I knew in that moment that he had to have gone mad, because he coveted it. He didn't want anyone else to know what he was writing about, I guess."

"Which means it has to be something incriminating," Colress concludes.

"Alder, we should go down there," Touya insists.

"At this time of night?" Alder sounds worried, though. "Isn't Kyurem aggressive?"

"I'll make sure it's okay, I promise." All eyes are on N again. "I'll help it understand that we mean it no harm. I can speak to Kyurem, after all."

There's a silence that almost makes N regret speaking at all, until Alder gives in.

"Well, you all have very good points, so I guess I can't argue, but it is dangerous going out there at night. We'll head out at daybreak, sound good?"

"That's fine by me," Colress answers. N nods.

"Good," Touya nods, then more quietly, only for N to hear, "good job."

The sudden lightness in N's heart is not only from the chance to apologize to Kyurem, but also from the proud smile Touya finally gives him.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i like to call this one _ghostscribe can't go more than 2ish chapters without writing either angst or some kind of conflict_ but i jsut... love my ex-plasma boys, they did ~~a couple of things~~ nothing wrong
> 
> i kinda realized in writing this that N is a very tactile-oriented person oddly enough, for someone who probably didn't have a lot of positive contact as a child ;u; between Chargestone's sparks and the water and just generally having some pressure on him, i guess touch is just grounding to him. also that's why he holds Touya's hand a lot ~~and not because he's in love lol what~~
> 
> also featuring internet explorer man, another big fave of mine! he likes science and his friend Nate and dislikes Ghetsis and..... Ghetsis kghjdf
> 
> also this ended up being a bit of a cliffhanger until we get back to touya's pov hehehehe


	27. haunting, haunting, closer to you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Red is painfully aware that his best friend doesn't like ghosts. However, he is also painfully aware of his inability to flirt, so this fiasco will have to suffice.

Admittedly, this is a bit mean of him.

Red might be overshooting his luck here a little bit. It's something he's only vaguely attempted to do before, and it's not something he's ever had much success at. He's given these vague little gestures that Green never seems to notice, or maybe he just didn't understand that Red was trying to say something. Even in his more bold moves on that mountain, even curling a little too close for warmth, Green either didn't realize what Red was trying to do, or maybe he just didn't feel the same, so he decided to ignore it. Either way, Red is getting impatient, he's sick of waiting on the world to force him to make his moves, so he's decided to do this on his own. It's not that anything major changed, no. It's that he's been more and more and _more_ aware of his feelings for Green in the days they spent in Undella. Especially since he determined that maybe Green was flirting with him at the World Tournament (thanks to Crystal's insight), Red is sick of just pining _._

Hence, he's bringing Green to a supposedly haunted house to make a bet that may end in a date.

Kinda.

Green is, to be quite frank, absolutely scared of ghosts. He expresses his distaste for ghost type Pokémon often enough, and every Halloween when they were kids, Green would actually hide behind _Red_ for once, because there was always one house decorated with humanoid ghouls that scared the daylights out of Green. As to why he's afraid of ghosts, Red will never fully understand, but this does at least work to his advantage for this plan. Red is willing to bet quite a lot that Green is going to be the one who wants to leave the house first, especially if it really _is_ haunted (and admittedly, that's a bit worrying. Red has a salt shaker in his bag just in case, and also for seasoning food).

"So if you wanna leave before I do, you buy me dinner."

Red is not brave enough to ask Green on a date, and absolutely not brave enough to try and explain that he's had a crush on him for at _least_ seven years, so this will have to suffice as a date proposal.

"Fine, whatever. _When_ you wanna leave before I do, _you_ are gonna babysit the twins next time they come to Viridian City," Green huffs. "And that's a very definite _when,_ by the way. I was scared of ghosts when I was like, what, eight? You think I haven't grown up?"

"Oh, I know you've grown up. I just know you too well, and I know you're still afraid of ghosts."

"First of all: no." Red laughs at how adamant Green is. "Second: ghosts are only real in the context of Pokémon, not like... people ghosts."

"Some ghost types are made from human souls, though."

Green freezes for a second. "Th-That's just... some weird lore, that's all."

"Oh, really?" Red asks. "I didn't realize you actually bothered to research ghost type Pokémon instead of complaining about how creepy they are."

Green glares at him, and Red grins. "Don't be a smartass. Couldn't we have stayed in Undella a little bit longer? That's nicer than a haunted frickin' house - _supposedly_ haunted, that is."

"Well, Touya and N went to Lacunosa Town, and the rest of them went to Humilau City."

"What's wrong with going to Humilau, huh?"

His spirits start to drop for a second. "Too many people."

Green's spunk falters just a bit. "Yeah, I get you. That doesn't mean we have to go snooping around abandonded houses, but, if you insist..."

"...is this okay?" He's not mad, right?

"Have I ever been one to back out of a bet, Red?"

He perks back up. "Nope."

"So there." Green crosses his arms. "Any last thoughts before you drag me into this weirdass house, or what?"

Red smirks a bit. "Don't be a scaredy-cat."

"I am _not_ scared!"

"Well, if you are, you can hold my hand."

He _thinks_ Green is blushing, so he _may_ have successfully flirted with him, but it's a bit hard to tell with the sand in the air. "Oh, shut up."

With that, Red opens the door to the house and tugs Green inside, because if he doesn't, Green is probably just going to sit out here.

The interior of the house is about how Red expected it to be. It's fairly small, all things considered, but it looks a lot smaller outside than it does inside. There's five separate rooms Red can see from here, and two sets of stairs that seem to lead to a basement below. Between the almost complete lack of windows and the sandstorm outside, it's actually very dim.

"This place is gonna collapse at any second," Green mutters.

"Well, do you wanna buy me dinner?"

"Nope, I'm perfectly fine." Green starts to trudge ahead of Red, actually. "You wanted to come to a creepy haunted house? Let's have a look in the basement, that'll give you the creepy experience you're looking for."

Red would laugh, if not for the fact that there are flower pots blocking off every room in the house. That's a bit dubious.

The basement is filled to the brim with books, actually, seeming more like a library than just some abandoned house. He's starting to wonderabout the history of this place, if there's a reason the former owners would have just up and left without even bringing any of their books with them.

"...Red."

"Hm?"

"Is the couch here like... kinda weird?"

Red looks at the old sofa, covered in dust and placed a bit unusually, but otherwise it seems fine. "I dunno. It's a couch."

"Yeah. Right."

Red starts sifting through the bookshelves, looking for something of interest. Maybe the previous owners left a book of the property's history, or even just a journal, something to help him decipher what happened here and why the house is in such a state of disrepair. It's really not a bad house - rather, it wasn't when it was still occupied. Why would they leave it? Was it haunted before they even bought it? If it were, Red wouldn't be surprised to find out that they ran from whatever entity was living here before them.

_Where are you?_

"I'm over here," Red calls quietly. Green darts over to him.

"Yeah, I'm here. What'd you need?"

Red looks at him, confused. "I thought you asked where I was."

"...Red, don't even start with that."

"What?"

" _You_ just said you were over here. I didn't say anything."

Red looks around the space, as best he can in the darkness and dust. Did he... no, he's not one to just hear voices. Either it was the wind, the floor creaking in just the right way, or it was an otherworldly echo he happened to hear. No matter what the source of that voice was, it seems it wasn't Green whispering just now.

"I'm gonna start choking with all the dust down here, Red."

"Well, you can always go back outside."

He glares at Red. "You're not spooking me out of this house, Red, I swear."

"Fine, then we'll - ah!"

Red almost trips on a book on the floor, its pages open face-down. Red picks it up curiously.

"What it is, some kind of satanic ritual book?"

 _There is a Pokémon called Darkrai in the far Sinnoh region. To protect itself, it drives Pokémon away with terrible nightmares,_ the passage reads. It goes on about various folklore stories regarding the Pokémon, meant to teach children morals or to scare them into staying inside after sundown. Red recalls a few stories similar to these from his childhood in Pallet Town. While his mom never liked to scare him into obedience with stories, Professor Oak sometimes did that to Green, being as rebellious as he was when they were kids. There was something that always spooked Red a bit about the idea of a Hypno stealing children.

 _256.0191 B773_ is written at the bottom of the page, oddly. What in the world is that supposed to mean?

"Why's there a call number at the bottom of the page?" Green asks.

"Is that what it is?" Green is already off, though, scanning through the stacks of books. "H-Hey, don't run off on me!"

"Why? You're not scared of a library, are you?"

Red huffs. "Why can't they just put books in alphabetical order and call it a day?"

"'cause when you got books about all manners of things, that's not exactly a good way to organize stuff, Red." Green is running his fingers over the spines of the books, expertly picking out the one in question.

"How did you find that so fast?"

"You get to know libraries when you're a Pokémon researcher," he answers, pulling the book out and beginning to flip through it. "You'd think research means going into the field and learning about new species, but usually it means pouring over papers for hours on end with gallons of... coffee..."

Something must've caught his eye. "What's it say?"

" _There is a Pokémon called Cresselia in the far Sinnoh region. It's wings shine like the crescent moon and keep nightmares away,_ " Green recites. "Then some weird-ass scribbles at the bottom of the page."

Red peers over at the book. He can guess why Green is a little uneasy again.

_FIND IMMEDIATELY_

_(SHE'S NOT WAKING UP)_

The second line is only etched into the paper, not actually written in pencil or ink. That's... odd. Red is starting to wonder if something actually happened here to leave the place haunted. That would make sense, given the context of -

There's a huge _slam_ from upstairs. Green jumps so much he practically throws the book down.

"...the fuck was that?"

"Let's see."

"Red - Red, don't - "

He's already on his way back up the stairs, though, too curious to just leave the noise be. There are Pokémon in here, yes, but there seems to be a heavier presence too. He's not about to believe the place _isn't_ haunted, and if it is, he can only hope the spirits are benign enough to let them explore until Green gets too freaked out to keep poking around.

Green _is_ going to be the one to give in, though. Red wants his kinda-not-really-a-date.

"Was the room like this when we left?" Green asks quietly, definitely nervously.

Red is wondering the same thing. The furniture is now blocking off the other half of the house, the way they walked down just a few minutes ago, and now one of the rooms that was barricaded by one of those large pots is open.

"I don't think so. That's probably what that noise was."

"Cool. Great. _Fantastic."_ It's a little mean, but Red loves when Green gets that nervous crack in his voice. "You're not even remotely freaked out that the whole layout of the house changed, are you?"

Red shrugs. "Pokémon live here. Maybe it was one of them."

"Yeah. Sure."

Red looks across the way to see the other room on the first floor appears to be unblocked. He might want to get over there if he can find a way over. The room over here is empty, stripped of most of its furniture. There's a few shelves on the back wall, a bed, a chair at a desk... The room feels far too big for itself. There's not even any windows in here, making it difficult to see where anything is.

"Come on," Red tugs Green's sleeve, making him jolt. "Nothing's in there."

"Gah! Don't startle me like that!"

Red grins a bit. "Did I scare you?"

"I said _startle,_ not _scare,_ you brat." Green follows Red up the stairs. "There is a difference, you - "

There's a girl up here.

She certainly looks like a ghost. Her hair is matted, her skin is almost as white as snow, and her eyes are a bit sunken, lacking any pupils. She's either doing a damn good job at dressing up or, more likely from the sudden chill, she's actually dead. Even in the face of a ghost, Red finds it's hard to use his voice around a stranger. He waves to her, but she doesn't move.

 _She's not waking up._ Maybe this is that girl.

"Red, what are you doing? I-If you're trying to freak me out, it's not working."

Red looks at Green, then back again, and the girl is gone. Yeah, definitely a ghost.

"...well, it was worth a shot," Red answers. It _is_ amusing to see Green losing his bravado, but he doesn't want him to go into a full-on panic. They wind their way around to the next room in silence, save for the creaking of the old house and the occasional gusts of wind outside from the sandstorm. The next room in is equally as barren as the one before.

"I guess they took some of their stuff before they left the place to rot, huh?" Green notes. "Fuck, Red, stop grabbing my sleeve!"

The realization hits Green as soon as Red speaks. "I'm not close enough to - "

Footsteps echo from overhead.

"...Okay, okay, okay," Green is panicking now, "are there any bipedal Pokémon that live here?" Red shrugs. "I'm going to assume there's at least a few, 'cause no one else is in this place, because no _sane_ person would come in here!"

 _Please..._ That's not either of their voices.

"Y'know what, Red? Let's - I'm gonna head upstairs and just see what's up there! You wait here so you'll be safe!"

This would be more amusing if this house wasn't so definitively haunted. "Okay..."

Red waits in the room for about two minutes before he decides to go check on Green. He's smart, he really is, but he's just stupid enough about ghosts that he could probably get possessed. He doesn't understand the semantics of spiritual activity like this, the need to stand ones ground and stay brave, calm, even in the face of the unknown. Jumping at every little sound will only make him more vulnerable to a ghost, human or Pokémon or... otherwise.

He barely reaches the main staircase before Green runs into Red, half-hugging and half-clinging to him.

Yes. Good. Kinda bad that he's upset, but this feels nice.

"O-Oh. Hi. Uh..." He might actually be blushing, but Red can't quite tell in the lowlight. "Wh-What are you doing out here? I-I told you to stay safe."

"What are _you_ doing up there?"

"...I, uh, heard someone. W-We should probably go - n-not like I'm scared," bullshit, "b-but I dunno if we're... supposed to be here."

Red could swear he sees a light in that back room. "What's up there?"

"Red, I'm serious." He's already heading toward the dim glow. "Red!"

"It'll be fine." Green grabs Red's hand tightly.

"Red, you're amazing sometimes, but sometimes you're a fucking idiot," Green whispers, as if someone could hear them. "There's a creepy girl squatting in here, a-and I don't wanna deal with her."

"Usually, people call that a haunting."

Green goes pale. "You're kidding."

"Not really."

Green takes a deep breath in and, to Red's surprise, starts to follow him up the stairs. Maybe he just doesn't want to let go of his hand. "W-W-Well, I'm coming with you to make sure you're - "

There's a gross, fast scraping noise, and the two of them actually _see_ the pots move to block off the other two doors.

"...Eevee, come out."

Red follows his lead and sends out Pikachu. It's not like they can fight a spirit, no, but at least if there's a hostile _Pokémon_ , the two of them can deal with it. Eevee is even immune to ghost-type moves, to her advantage.

_"Wick!"_

Oh!

"Red - Red!" Green is getting progressively more frantic, but that may or may not be his pseudo-phobia of ghost type Pokémon. Red flips out his Pokédex and aims it at the little candle.

 _Litwick shines a light that absorbs the life energy of people and Pokémon, which becomes the fuel that it burns._ That explains why it's hiding out here.

 _"Its flame is usually out, but it starts shining when it absorbs life force from people or Pokémon,"_ Green reads off his own Pokédex entry. "Which means it's trying to literally kill you, Red."

 _"Wiiick?"_ How could a candle try to kill him, though? It's just a sweet little thing.

Red whistles in the same pitch as Litwick's cry, which catches his attention.

 _"Lit lit?"_ Red matches it again, and the little flame on his head goes out. _"Wiii..."_ Again, he mimics Litwick, even mirroring the little gestures and confused expression he has. It's always been something that Red does, to catch the attention of a Pokémon without having to battle it. Confusing a Pokémon for long enough to make it calm down is how he's been able to catch some of his partners without a proper battle. It's not always an option, but when it is, he prefers to not hurt a potential friend.

"Red?"

Pikachu edges over to Litwick, squeaking quietly to the ghost type. Red doesn't exactly hear words the way N seems to when he listens to Pokémon, but the gist of the conversation is more or less _why are you living in an abandonded house_ and _I don't see the problem here,_ curiosity and a natural certainty.

Red makes a soft calling whistle. _Do you want to come with us?_

"Red..." Green is still worried about _something,_ he's not sure what. Probably just the Litwick.

 _"Wick?"_ The Litwick looks between Red and Pikachu, then seems to make his decision. _"Wick wick!"_

Red digs out another empty Pokéball from his bag and holds it out to Litwick, giving him one more chance, just in case. _Are you sure?_

"Red!"

There's a heavy silence resonating from all around them, and it's just now that Red realizes _all the furniture is floating._ A huge _slam_ follows when everything falls to the ground, shaking the floor.

 _"Liiit!"_ The Litwick practically jumps onto Red's shoulder, and just as quickly, Green grabs Red's hand and drags him out of the house, with Pikachu and Eevee following on their heels. Somehow, Red feels like something else might be giving chase.

The door slams behind them once they all reach the outside. Yeah, something really wanted them out. Red did realize this, and ordinarily he would have left sooner, but he _did_ win his bet with Green, so everything worked out in the end.

"Red, I swear, if you _ever_ make me do something that stupid _ever_ again, I will... I'll..." Red can't really help laughing. Green's aggression doesn't really come through when he's shaking and holding Red's hand tight enough to turn his fingers white.

"You'll buy me dinner?"

"Yeah, whatever. Don't expect me to _ever_ do something that stupid again, do you - _gah!"_

Green notices the Litwick sitting on Red's shoulder and jumps back. One of these days, Green is going to have to warm up to ghost types. Maybe Red can make a whole team of ghosts and get him to overcome his fear.

"You wanted to come with me, huh?" Red asks Litwick, and he happily nuzzles against Red.

_"Litwick!"_

"Red, you're insane."

"Touya has a Chandelure, right? I'm not that crazy."

Green groans. "Yeah, sure."

"Welcome to the team, little one," Red hums, and Litwick lets him press the pokéball to his forehead, formally accepting him into his family of Pokémon. "See, Green? Ghost types are fine! Litwick is nice!"

"Thanks, I hate it."

"Well," Red edges closes to Green, almost leaning on him, "if we didn't go in there, I wouldn't have caught a new Pokémon."

"I guess," he sighs.

"And you wouldn't have had a reason to hold my hand."

Green is absolutely blushing. "Fuck off."

Red has never been good at this, but he's happy to see Green is finally starting to take a hint.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "but ghostscibe," you say, "didn't you already write about the Strange House in that fic with Nate?"  
> to which i say, "yes, but i love horror and ghosts and you can't stop me"  
> i think it's pretty apparent that Red has very poor social skills, so when it comes to his idea of flirting his methods are... kinda unorthodox, but did it work?? yes. was it worth the spooks?? Green certainly doesn't think so, and now Green has two ghost types in Red's party to deal with, so he's gonna have a grand ol time. at least his ~~boy~~ best friend seems happy with this situation lol  
>  also sorry about the lateness, my convention is from friday morning to sunday afternoon, so i'll be out for a little bit ;u; i'm gonna try to just do a bunch of writing in the meantime and draft some things to post up maybe while i'm there?? if not i'll post when i get home!!


	28. slowly, slowly, but surely progressing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Red is trying his damndest to get a handle on his emotions, both about Green and the things that scare him the most. He's not getting anywhere fast, but at least he's getting somewhere.

"See, this is a better spot to be in 'cause there's no murderous Pokémon."

Red is still pretty amused with Green's fussing over ghosts, even though that last adventure was just a little bit more than they all bargained for, admittedly. The sun is starting to set now, though, and they've just reached a small clearing in the woods, a place that Green wanted to visit so he could find a certain Pokémon. It's a Pokémon known for its healing abilities, often used in Unova Pokémon Centers, and it's the species that helped Touya recover from a nasty fall when he first visited Mount Silver. Red has to admit, he's not sure when Green developed an interest in the medical science of Pokémon, but if he wants to catch an Audino for research purposes, so be it. Maybe later on Red will get Green to buy him dinner. He's not one to back out of a bet, but he does sometimes like to pretend he forgot so he doesn't have to pay up. He's always been a little stubborn in that way.

At any rate, the sun is going to set soon, so Green is intent on finding this Audino.

"So, the only real reason I wanted to swing down here instead of literally anywhere else in Unova is 'cause there's also a few grottos around here," Green continues on. "Supposedly, the Pokémon found in these hidden grottos have a much higher chance of having their hidden abilities, so I figured that'd be good to check out, too. The semantics of _how_ that works is still up in the air, but I'm not lookin' a gift horse in the mouth."

Red nods, hoping that Green can see the gesture. He's a bit preoccupied, scanning through his Pokédex while they walk through the lush clearing. It's a peaceful space, certainly, but there's a few trainers milling about, and that's making Red a bit uneasy. He hopes they can hurry up here and take off again, maybe find a place that's more secluded. Red's definition of _secluded_ may be a bit intense, granted, but he's lived alone since he was twelve...

"You holding up okay?" Green asks, and Red nods. "There's no guarantee there'll be anything in either grotto. We'll head over to a Center for the night once we're done here."

Great, more people. He hears talking from across the way, and even that makes him antsy. It's one thing to be surrounded by people he's already familiar with at a quiet beach. It's another to be around unfamiliar people. It's better than the tournament crowds, at least.

"...getting shy again?" _Shy,_ as if this anxiety isn't debilitating. He would take offense to that if he didn't understand years of connotation below it, the way Green uses the word to take some of the heat off Red's rather unusual predicament of _literally can't speak to strangers,_ to keep people from grilling Red too much about this condition.

 _Kinda,_ he shrugs a bit and reaches halfway for his hat. _I'm nervous._

"About what?"

He looks back over his shoulder briefly. _People._

"Ah." Green slings his arm around Red. "It's okay. It's pretty quiet here."

Red nods. That doesn't make it safe to talk, no, but at least he can be a little calmer with the weight of Green's arm around him. Maybe he'll feel better if they set up camp in one of those grottos. He just needs to be alone (mostly).

"I only started doing research on Chansey in the past few months, actually," Green explains. "There's been a hell of a lot of studies on them, so that was mostly me reading other people's stuff and reaffirming things we already knew with more data to fill in the gaps. The comparative research between them and Audino is kinda a new development, though. I figured I oughta grab an Audino while we're in Unova anyway. It'd be a disaster trying to find one once we head back to Kanto, y'know? You can't trust you're getting a properly caught Pokémon when you have it sent overseas."

Red is spacing out a little bit, though he's still nodding along with Green's rambling. He just... likes listening to Green's voice. It's always been soothing in a way, especially when he gets into these tangents. Oh, Green can scream and laugh and be absolutely obnoxious; that was his calling card when they were kids. It's this calmer tone of voice that always leaves Red pleasantly dazed.

"You listening?"

_Kinda._

Green smiles at him. "You're alright, then. I got you."

Red smiles and glances away. Green can melt him in an instant.

{Hey Red, where are you two? I've been texting Green, but he won't answer.} Crystal's message comes through loud and clear to Red, though, so it's not a matter of cell reception. Red tugs Green's sleeve to get his attention.

 _(What's this place called?)_ he signs. _(Crystal wants to know.)_

"Abundant Shrine. Why's she asking?"

 _Dunno,_ Red shrugs. _(She tried to text you.)_

"Well, let her know I'm doing some research stuff. Let's see, now..." Green heads into the grass, not far enough to make Red nervous but giving himself enough distance to find an Audino.

[we're at the abundant shrine he said. he's looking for Audino]

{Oh. Why?}

[he wants to do research stuff]

{ :/ He never takes a break, does he?}

[¯\\_(ツ)_/¯]

{How have you been doing? I've been having a fun time here, even though the kids are causing hell. We went up to Opelucid City because Silver wanted to prove that dragon specialists aren't that hard to beat. He and Hugh are getting into a double battle with the gym leader and Lance.}

Red silently laughs a bit. Silver has always been pretty feisty. [is he doing that to spite Lance and his dumb cape?]

{Knowing him, probably. Are you guys okay?}

[yeah, i'm just following Green. also we accidentally made a ghost mad and i caught a Litwick]

{I'll ask for those details later. Did you ask him out yet?}

Red looks up to see Green battling the pink creature, carefully wearing it out so he can catch it. That's good. Now he won't look up and see Red blushing. [uh. sorta]

{...be honest, Red.}

[i made a bet that if he wanted to leave the building where i found Litwick before i did then he would have to buy me dinner so it's kinda a date??]

{Red, when I told you to just ask him out already, that's not exactly what I meant.}

[ik but it's hard]

{Red for the love of all that is good in this world PLEASE just be honest with him.}

Red glares at his phone, as if she can she his irritation, because really, he's been _trying_ for _years,_ but confessing that he's in love with his best friend isn't an easy task. [at least i'm trying to flirt with him :/ ]

{Well, that's better than usual.}

"Gotcha!" Green cheers. "Now we just gotta heal you up, then we'll be good to go, huh, li'l buddy?" Red quickly puts his phone away before Green comes back, out of fear that somehow knowing his intentions will mess this up for him. "C'mon, Red."

That sends a jolt of panic through him, because that was loud enough that someone could have heard his name, and now they could know he's here, and now people may be looking for him -

"Hey, come on."

Red rushes to catch up to Green, but his heart is still pounding.

His head is reeling with any way he can try to get Green to understand how he feels without saying it, both in romance _and_ in this anxiety. He doesn't really _want_ to be anxious like this forever, no, but that just seems to be how things are working out for him right now. It always comes on at the worst times, because it's always when they're in even a semi-public space, and that's when his head can go into overdrive, that's when there can be too much noise and attention and commotion and not enough safety. He knows, he knows, he _knows_ he can't just wait around on his nerves and hope they'll sort themselves out. Why is he still stalling, then? He's not going to get anywhere like this, constantly letting himself succumb to this terror.

Besides, he doesn't think Green wants to be his safety net forever.

"Are you okay, Red?" He asks more quietly this time, a safer volume. Red nods once. "You sure?" Again, one nod. "...okay. Let's keep moving."

If Red stopped, he didn't realize. He's not very steady right now. The ground under his feet feels squishy and there seems to be some kind of mist in his lungs. He feels dizzy and sick and _I wanna be alone -_

"Where are you going?!"

Red skids to a stop only when he sees the weathered shrine, made at least quite a few decades ago, weathered and worn. For some reason this is what wakes him up, brings him back to the world around him, maybe because it's so out of place and unlike much of anything he's ever seen before.

"Hey," Green starts a bit too loudly, but he quickly corrects his volume. "Hey, relax. We're okay."

The last streams of sunlight flutter through the trees. Red can't find his voice right now.

"Do you still wanna come with me?" Green asks, and Red nods adamantly, because losing Green right now is a death wish. "I'm going over to the grotto that's supposed to be just across this little pond here, okay? Follow me, we'll be quick."

The two of them cross the pond swiftly, the small body of water offering little resistance to their respective water types, and then they're in a small huddle of trees, a living cave of sorts. From in here, barely a ray of fading light pierces the trees, leaving them in relative darkness, calm, isolation, perfect isolation.

"Well, nothing's here right now." Green looks at Red - Red can see him look at him in his periphery, but he's not really focusing on anything in particular. The shadows of the space are swirling in his eyes, morphing into incomprehensible shapes and figures, visages of things he doesn't want to see again, black-clad men with whips and Koffing, dozens of crowds all closing in and closing in, everyone is always approaching and always coming for him _get away from me -_

"Red."

He manages to look up at Green, and there's certainly concern in his eyes, but Red could swear he sees disappointment or irritation or anger there too, and he suddenly wonders if he's paranoid or if his love is misplaced.

"It's okay. I'm with you, okay? I'm always with you."

Except for when he abandonded him for two years straight. Then again, Red can't say he did much better.

"Red..."

Red sits on the ground, hoping to work this out of his system. He may as well just lay here and rot for inconveniencing Green with nothing more than his own swirling paranoia. No one else is in here. It's just him, Green, and maybe a Pokémon lurking out in the trees, but that's all. It's just them. He's safe here. He's safe.

Why doesn't he feel safe?

"Red, you're okay, I promise." Green's voice sounds muffled, as if Red were underwater. "I got you, alright? What do you need?"

"You."

"What?"

Red has actually managed to embarrass himself out of this building panic, which is a first. "...y-you don't need to do anything." Yeah, sure, Green will think he just didn't finish his sentence at first. Maybe.

"Well, I'm gonna do _something,"_ he insists. "How can I help?"

Red finally relaxes his muscles, noticing slivers of moonlight starting to come through the canopy beautifully. "I just... need a minute."

"Of course."

The air is quiet, too quiet, quiet enough for Red to slip back into a frenzy. He needs some kind of distraction, maybe. Actually, why has he never considered that before? If he could just get himself to focus on anything else... That wasn't often possible when he lived in a cave away from the world, but here, he can definitely find something else to fill his head before his fear does, right?

"...can I see the Audino?"

"Yeah, of course." Green pulls the pokéball out of his bag, then keeps digging around the pocket where he keeps his medicine items. "I gotta heal her anyway. She has the Regenerator ability, but I still oughta take care of her myself. Eevee did a number on her."

He's honestly a little lost on any Pokémon outside of the Kanto-Johto area, so he's not sure what all that means. "Regenerator?"

"Yeah. It means she regains some health whenever she's put back in her pokéball. Pretty nifty, if you ask me." Green picks up a super potion and uncaps it, then fixes it to the button of the pokéball to heal her. "I was gonna try and get a Slowking with that ability, but y'know, I'm not the kind of guy to swap one of my teammates because've something like that."

Red nods a little. Green's voice is nice...

"Are you okay, Red?"

Red jumps a little. "Y-Yeah, just... dazed."

"Right." Pause. "It's not that crowded here, y'know."

He curls in on himself. "I know. I just..."

"...it's alright." Red can't help but think Green doesn't mean that, or maybe he's being paranoid still. "Just do your best, okay?"

"I'm trying."

"Good. I'm proud of you, y'know that?" 

Even after that, he's still proud? "Thank you."

Green puts the empty potion bottle away. "Alright, Audino, come on out."

There's a flash of red that lights the space for just a moment, then the pink Pokémon is out in the grass with them, looking around a bit blearily.

_"Au?"_

"Hey, there," Green smiles, holding his hand out to his new Pokémon. "You doin' okay?"

She wanders over to Green, looking curiously at him. _"Audi?"_

"I'm Green, Pokémon researcher and gym leader of Viridian City," he introduces himself a little too formally, as if she knows what all that means. "You're gonna be part of my group, now, okay?"

 _"...Audino!"_ She grabs onto Green's arm in an attempt to hug him. _"Audi di!"_

"It's nice to meet you too, buddy," he laughs. "We're gonna get to visit all sorts of places, okay? My best friend and I are runnin' all over Unova together lately, and we came out here just to find you."

_"No?"_

"Yep, you!"

_"Dino!!"_

Green doesn't notice Red snap a dim phone picture, thankfully. [Crystal look at this idiot]

{Aw! He caught it after all, huh?}

[Crystal help i love him]

{Oh, gee, I wonder what you could possibly do about that.}

[ughhhh it's not that easy]

{Well, you're not getting anywhere by NOT doing something about this, are you?}

[ughhhhhhhhhh]

"Hey, Red," Green calls his attention. "You wanna send Litwick out? I don't think he's had any time out of his ball since you caught him, has he?"

Red quickly digs out the ghost's pokéball and releases it into the grotto. For just a moment, the purple flame on its head glows brightly enough to light the space before simmering back down.

_"Wick!"_

"...it's trying to kill us again."

"No it's not," Red huffs. "You need to get over your ghost fear almost as badly as I need to get over my people fear."

"Well, we'll both take it one step at a time. At least I suggested letting him - gah!"

Litwick practically jumps into Green's lap, and Red laughs. "I think he likes you."

"Y-Yeah. Sure." Audino leans over Litwick and pats him on the head. "Well, at least Audino likes you."

_"Au audi!"_

_"Wiiick! Wick!"_

As if they've been friends forever, the two Pokémon start chasing each other playfully around the grotto, almost playing tag with each other. Green catches Red's gaze.

"So am I the only one who's not too keen on ghosts, or what?"

"Yeah, that sounds right."

Green sighs, trying to sound annoyed, but he's grinning. "Well, sucks to be me, I guess. Maybe I'll move to Kalos or something. They don't have as many ghost types, do they?"

Red shrugs. "I dunno much about Kalos."

"Well, they have fancy food, and Sylveon was originally discovered there, so they got my ticket."

He... He hopes that doesn't mean Green is leaving him. "Sylveon can evolve outside of Kalos, though."

"Oh, I know. I actually ran down there last year to go do some research on mega evolution with Professor Sycamore. It's really lovely, if you ever wanna visit." Pause. "Not to say that you have to go, but..."

Green is trying to get rid of him, isn't he? "I would go with you if you went. I-I would go anywhere with you."

Red can _feel_ himself blushing, and in the little glimmers of light Litwick is giving off, he thinks he can see Green blushing too.

"O-Oh. Cool. Good." Green has that nervous pitch in his voice.

Red feels himself sink back a little. "I-I just missed you."

Green laughs a little, a shy noise that's so unlike him but so, so endearing. "Yeah, I missed you too. I'm only saying you don't need to come with me because I don't wanna stress you out more than you already are."

"I'm okay. As long as I'm with you, I'm safe." He doesn't fully believe that yet, but one of these days he will.

"I'm glad." Pause. "In all seriousness, though, you oughta visit Kalos with me. It's gorgeous there, and maybe we can convince Sycamore to give us some mega stones."

"What is mega evolution, anyway?" Red asks. "Do you just get an even bigger Charizard?"

Green grins. "Well, somethin' like that. It's not very well understood yet. The stones said to elicit mega evolution have only been found in Kalos, Hoenn, and Alola, and they're only in labs for now. It's got somethin' to do with energy waves coming off the stones, and that combined with a stone a trainer holds will potentially allow a fully evolved Pokémon to change form and become even stronger. The strain they experience is pretty severe, though, so we're trying to decide if it's even ethical. For the time being, no one's experimented with mega evolution in even informal battles outside the lab. Sycamore said he's scouting for trainers with one of Kalos's gym leaders to decide if they can formally be used on a day-to-day basis. The stress may be too great for mega evolution to happen in _every_ battle, but there seems to be some benefit to mega evolution. We were... uh..."

Apparently, it took Green this long to notice Red slowly moving closer to him, to the point that they're almost nose to nose.

"W-What are you doing?" Green laughs sheepishly.

"Nothing."

"Are you even listening?"

"Yeah."

Green sighs. "You're a piece of work, Red."

He rolls his eyes. "As if you're any better. What else did you learn in Kalos?"

"Well..."

In a move that even Red isn't bold enough to do right now, Green takes Red's hand and kisses his fingertips softly.

"That's a common greeting among close friends in the region."

If Red were a fire type, his face would be in flames right now. "O-Oh. Neat."

"Only for _close_ friends, though. Usually, you can just shake hands if you don't know the person." Wow. Cool. Green is still holding his hand and Red literally cannot think right now. "You good?"

"Y-Yep! I'm fine!" Red shouts and pulls back nervously. That's probably the loudest Red has been since crying his eyes out when he reunited with Green.

"If you say so." Green is so smug and so stupid and so damn attractive. "Are you okay with going somewhere civilized enough to get food?"

"I have food with me."

"I mean _real_ food, not uncooked noodles."

"We can cook them."

"Do you even have anything to boil them in?"

Red pulls out a small, collapsable pot from his bag, extending it out to its more reasonable size. Green looks more than perplexed by this.

"Uh... do you have - " He sets out the noodles. "Do you - " A small bottle of sauce and his salt shaker join the pile. "Jesus, Red, do you have a whole kitchen in there with you?"

"I keep stuff with me so if I got stuck in a different cave on Mount Silver, I could still make sure everyone got fed," Red explains.

"Does _everyone_ include you, or just your Pokémon?" No answer. "I dunno how you survived up there, Red, I really don't."

"Mostly because Venusaur and Espeon wouldn't let me do anything _too_ reckless."

Green sighs, relieved even well after the fact. "Good. You really oughta take better care of yourself, you know."

"Well, I have you, don't I?"

"Yeah, you have me." Green leans in and kisses Red on the cheek, and he feels like his blush could provide more than enough heat for boiling water right now. "Always."

"U-Uh..."

"That's another gesture I learned 'bout in Kalos. Anyway, gimme the pot. I'm gonna go grab some water from outside and get Charizard to heat it."

Is _this_ flirting? This _has_ to be flirting, right? Crystal insisted Green has been flirtatious, but is _this_ flirting, or is this just teasing? How is he even supposed to tell with Green? He's never seen him flirt before, unless he _has_ been flirting, in which case -

"Red?"

"H-Here."

"I'll be right back, _mon cher._ Don't let Litwick steal my Audino's life force while I'm out."

"Don't speak languages I don't understand, Green."

"I thought _my dear_ was a pretty common phrase, but if you say so, Red."

...Red doubted Green, but he's starting to wonder how many of Green's clues _he_ missed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> light angst and fluff in the same chapter??? yes indeed i'm here for that classic hurt/comfort  
> honestly no matter how bold Red tries to be, his confidence doesn't usually last for too long. he can very confidently battle, and he can try to drop hints to Green, but the second he notices onlookers or Green actually flirting back all bets are off and he's a shy boy again ~~especially because this is his _crush_ flirting with him gfdjkhfg~~  
>  also featuring a dumb headcanon about how healing items can be absorbed by the pokéball the way Pokémon are and then have their effect somehow?? yeah idk, i always found it odd that you can heal your Pokémon while they're in a pokéball, so i imagine maybe it's just some weird absorption effect or something.  
> ...also i should be in bed bc we're leaving at like 7am but i wanted to finish this up really quick before i go for the weekend!! N and Touya are coming back next so that's gonna be a fun time ouo  
> also apparently this fic has 1000+ hits?? so thank you all! i'm having fun writing this so i'm glad people are reading!!


	29. memories, memories, let them burn away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Touya knows that N just wants to move on. He just didn't fully realize how much he's trying to escape.

He shouldn't have brought this up.

It's a necessary evil, Touya has to admit, but that doesn't make this any easier on anyone. The last thing N wanted to do was talk about Team Plasma, he's sure, because N has been hesitant to say much of anything on the matter since they came back to Unova. Maybe it's the context, sharing information about the team he thought he was leading in the very region he thought he was going to liberate. The only mention of Ghetsis he made since the initial interviews was when N told Touya about the name _Harmonia_  and its connotations and connections to a real king from some other time. Still, Touya could see panic in N's eyes when he saw Lance's Hydreigon the night before the tournament, he saw his mind starting to reel when Touya was talking about a childhood N never had... Of course he wants to move on. That seems to be all he wants.

N is going back to the site of a particular encounter, though, and Touya doesn't know what to do.

He'll defend N with everything he has and everything he is, of course. He didn't spend three years looking for N just to hurt him, but he's worried that seems to be what this is turning into. He's going to have to get N out of here as soon as possible, bring him back to Undella for another few quiet days, or maybe wherever else N wants to visit. He doesn't really care where they go, as long as he can work N out of this funk as soon as possible. It's not that Touya is doing this out of malice, of course, but N is obviously hurt, he's getting more and more anxious, and Touya can't expect N to cope with this alone.

"Are you okay?"

N only nods in response to Touya's question. He's trying to stay close to N, trying to keep an eye on him, but N keeps edging away from every touch. He seemed okay when they decided to come here last night, but ever since they woke up this morning, N has seemed wildly uneasy, leaving Touya to make smalltalk with Alder and Colress instead. He understands this is definitely not a happy set of memories for N, and that doesn't make him feel any less guilty for bringing this back up. He wanted - needed this one last meeting, then they really should be done, but Touya knows that's not going to ease N's nerves at all.

"Here we are," Colress says, pulling Touya back out of his spiral of worries. "We should be able to head straight down to the heart of the chasm from here. N, do you remember exactly where Ghetsis lost that notebook?"

"Roughly." N has that clipped voice that he uses when he's annoyed, short and a little lower and a little faster than usual (which is somehow possible). This isn't looking good. This is totally justified, feeling defensive, but N really, really needs to try to cooperate.

"Do you remember about where you and Rosa were when he lost it?" Touya asks, hoping to get through to him. N's tone is still curt.

"I'll lead."

That voice is so sharp. It's really very unfitting for him. He only heard that tone when N was under more and more pressure to prove himself as Unova's hero. That whole ordeal was wildly stressful, he has to admit, but it changed both of them for the better in the end. That's the only good that came from the actions of Team Plasma three years ago.

N swiftly winds down the rocky paths, around the boulders and crumbling stones, and before anyone knows it, they're in the heart of the crater. Touya only visited here once while he was looking for N, before he left the Unova region to scour the rest of the world. It definitely looks different than it did before, covered in not trees and grass, but surrounded by the remnants of a forest that's been largely destroyed in the middle, completely burnt and blown away by some force.

"What happened to the forest?" Touya wonders aloud.

"I was asked to dock Plasma Frigate here," Colress answers. "It did quite a number on the foliage, unfortunately, but it seems like some grass and trees are trying to regrow already."

"You're lucky you didn't permanently ruin this ecosystem altogether," N mutters, only loud enough for Touya to hear. He's just bitter about everything today, it seems. That's reasonable.

"So the book wouldn't be in the middle of the forest, then," Touya concludes. _Forest_ is a bit of an overstatement for this environment, though.

"No." That's all N says.

"...So, where are you leading us?" Alder asks.

"Can you just trust that I know where I'm going? This moment in time has been burned into my memory against my will. I know where it is."

Wow. That's.... really weird. Like, really, _really_ weird. N isn't ever this snappy. He had a bit of a spat with Professor Juniper once, and one with Alder, but hearing him almost yell is wrong.

"...There's a cavern on the far north side of this area. That's where Kyurem lives." N's voice finally settles a little, lowers to a more reasonable volume, but he's still tense.

"That's where you and Rosa saved Kyurem and Reshiram, then, right?" Touya reaches for N's hand, but N speeds up just enough to pull away. "I-I'm not doubting you, I promise, I-I just don't know the geography very well, y-y'know?"

"Yes." This is concerning.

The rest of the hike up there is made in silence as Touya kicks the last of the dirt up from the barren center. He feels like he remembers there being a pond in the middle of this place, but he never actually got that close to it. He started to feel overwhelmingly nervous trying to approach it, the sun was going down, and he decided that maybe it would be best to trust his gut and go back to Lacunosa Town for the evening. Maybe there is some logical reason for the town's curfew after all.

N stops just inside the cave, staring dead ahead into the darkness of the next chamber. He's definitely shaking, but this aggravated expression he has is unwavering.

"Are you okay, N?" Touya asks again, hoping for an honest answer.

"Fine." No dice. As to what is exactly wrong, though, Touya can't say. It's probably a mix of everything, of remembering how Reshiram fused with Kyurem, of having faced Ghetsis one final time, of not even having the satisfaction of knowing where the hell Ghetsis went. From what Colress has said in his interviews, the man shouldn't even be mentally stable enough to try anything else, but that's not much comfort to the people he's hurt, especially not N.

Venturing deeper into the cavern, into the darkness that N is fretting, reveals nothing but ice and an empty space.

"...ah."

Alder looks at N. "Where's Kyurem?"

"I believe it may be with Rosa. She had declined to take Reshiram with her in favor of capturing Kyurem."

"Is that so?" Alder sounds a bit doubtful. Touya wonders why N didn't seem to remember this sooner.

"If you don't believe me, you can do this on your own."

"I just didn't realize that was the case, that's all," Alder quickly defends himself. "I'm not accusing you of anything."

N still looks unhappy, to use the absolute lightest term. "Call Rosa. Ask her."

"I believe you," he insists, "but why didn't you mention - "

"Do you expect me to know everything?!" _Oh no calm down -_ "Do you know what kind of stress I'm under with you _constantly_ questioning me?! I can only do so much under this kind of pressure!"

Touya is starting to panic, the anger is starting to make him want to run and hide and never come back, but he absolutely, positively refuses to abandon N like this. "N, y-you only n-need to tell us what y-you know, o-okay? I-It's okay, it's not - "

"Fine."

"N, p-please j-just - "

"It's _fine,_ Touya."

N rushes ahead while Touya's vision blurs, falls out of focus and into the haze he falls into when he gets this scared. It's okay, it's okay, N is upset and that's perfectly understandable, but that doesn't make this yelling and this aggression any less terrifying. The only incident Touya can clearly think of where he faced someone's wrath bravely was when he faced Ghetsis three years ago, and that was only because Touya's fear was overridden by his own outrage, the absolute injustice of Ghetsis's treatment of N, of his Pokémon, of every living thing. Sometimes, Touya tries to remember that time when he gets yelled at, he tries to fight back to keep himself grounded, so maybe he can steady himself and work the tension down to enough of a simmer to have a civilized conversation.

He can't fake being mad at N for acting this way, though, so he's stuck shivering in place.

"Touya?"

He can't find his voice to answer Alder. He wonders if this is how Red feels on a daily basis, this paralyzing inability to speak, or if maybe it's become commonplace for him. He wonders about anything but this moment, anything to pull him out of this terror. It's not working, though.

"Touya..."

It's only when Alder's hands grip Touya's shoulders, shaking him gently, that Touya snaps out of his panic for long enough to gauge what's happening. N is deeper in the cave, while Alder and Colress are here, looking at him, all eyes on him because he can't calm the fuck down.

"S-Sorry, I-I'm o-... kay..."

Alder leads Touya along with his hand on his back. "Come on. We'll be out of here soon."

He knows, he _knows,_ but he doesn't feel any better. Touya blinks for a few long seconds, trying to force his eyes to focus. He sees N standing near the center of the wide opening in the cave, looking at something in his hands.

"Is that the log?" Colress asks quietly, as if speaking could make N erupt again. It certainly could.

"Yes."

Alder moves toward the two of them cautiously. "Do you want to read it here, or would you rather - "

N suddenly chucks the log at Colress. "Take it. I don't care what it says."

Touya approaches with small steps while Alder speaks. "I know this is difficult for you, N, but we do want your input on this. We need a more comprehensive understanding of Ghetsis, and you're one of the only people who knows him as well as you do. We can try to decipher this on our own, but everyone we speak to has a different picture of this man, do you understand? We need all the pieces of the puzzle to put the picture together." No answer. "N, I understand - "

"You don't understand anything!"

Touya almost screams, but his voice is caught in his throat, and he and Colress both jump back as if someone shot at them.

"Well," Alder is somehow calm, "if I really don't understand, why don't you help me?"

"He tried to kill Rosa and freeze Unova! He tried to kill Touya! He _has_ killed before, and he'll do it again!" _No no stop yelling please stop yelling -_ "He would've killed me if he wasn't using me!"

"N, please calm down..." but Touya doubts that Alder's gentle words are going to do anything now.

"How am I supposed to calm down when _you_ are making me relive my childhood trauma?" He's not yelling anymore. Somehow, that makes this voice scarier. "You don't really know what pain is like until you've suffered scars you'll never recover from. Have you ever had a Hydreigon bite into your thigh and try to tear your leg off your body? Have you ever seen bruises from your own father form on your skin exponentially faster than they heal? Have you ever worn turtle necks in the summer so you didn't have to see your father's fingermarks on your throat every single hour of every single day? Have you ever been truly hurt, Alder?! Have you ever been abused so horribly that you wondered if your life has any other purpose?!"

There's no words. There's nothing to say.

"My only purpose in life was to liberate Pokémon, and I couldn't even have that," and now N is crying, still shaking with either rage or pain or or both. "I'm not a hero. I lost, and then I had nothing. It's one thing to lose a beloved Pokémon, and that hurts, it hurts a _lot_ , but it doesn't even begin to compare to losing your entire _purpose_. If I didn't have to protect Reshiram, I would've jumped off the top of that castle and died."

Oh.

...N wouldn't try that now, would he?

"If Rosa wasn't there, he would've stolen Reshiram forever, and he would've killed me. He would've taken this stupid staff and beat me to a pulp with it, just for old time's sake." That's not a phrase that should be used here. That should be a phrase used for fun, not for... not for this. "I was as much of a tool to him as this stupid fucking thing!"

No answer. The only sound is N's shaking breaths as he slowly, slowly composes himself, floating between ragged sobs and beginnings of sentences that never comes.

"Alder," N says finally, quietly, exhausted and broken down, "this is my final testimony against my father: I hate him and I hate what he's done to me. I never want to talk about him again."

It's now that Touya peers out from behind Alder and sees that N's nails are digging so deep into his wrist that little rivulets of blood are rolling onto his palm.

"I'm so tired. Please let me rest." Pause. "Please just take that book and leave me alone. I need to think."

Alder turns to Touya and Colress and waves them away, and then they're heading back to the entrance. Touya is moving too, but he's not sure how, only vaguely aware of the hand on his shoulder leading him along again. Then the late afternoon sunlight hits his face, and a wave of absolute terror hits him.

_N isn't here._

"Touya, where are you - "

He only stops to speak, though he's barely able to keep his composure. "I spent three years looking for him, he's not emotionally stable right now, and I'm not leaving him alone where he can run off again. I'm just gonna wait quietly until he wants me."

Touya rushes back into the cold cavern before either of his companions can respond. He only stops running when he hears N's voice.

"Please, just stop - !"

He's frozen in place. Why would N want him to come back? This is his fault.

_This is my fault._

_This is my fault, if I just learned to keep my mouth shut and let sleeping dogs lie this wouldn't have happened, I could've just kept quiet about this and let it all be over, I could have stopped this weeks ago and everything would have been fine, I could have just analyzed and overanalyzed and everything would be okay, I could have been spending this time trying to find Ghetsis instead of hurting N all over again, I could have just_ stopped _and N wouldn't be hurt and he wouldn't be mad at me and he wouldn't be trying to run away again, I ruined it I ruined him I ruined everything all of this is my fault this is my fault I never wanted to hurt N and this is my fault -_

"This is my fault, this is my fault, this is my fault..." Touya vaguely hears these words in a voice that seems similar to his own. Beyond that, he's not quite lucid.

"Touya?"

And he can hear that, oh he can hear, but the noise sounds unfamiliar, he's not sure who's saying it or what it means. He does know he did something unforgivable, it's his fault.

"Touya, y-you didn't do anything wrong."

He thinks his lips are still moving, he can feel his throat vibrating, but if he's speaking, he can't process that.

"It's okay, Touya, it's going to be okay..."

He feels a pressure on his chin, and suddenly the scene pans up, and he sees N looking at him. Everything else is a haze.

"I... Touya?" No answer. "Touya, please answer me." What are these sounds? What is this? "Please..."

He can't really see anymore, but he does feel himself fall forward limply. He hits something, it's not the ground, but he hits something and he feels something rubbing his back rhythmically, as if he got caught in some kind of time loop. He can hear some kind of sound, something that's echoing a bit, echoing in his ears, but he's not sure what it is. He's not sure of anything.

"Touya, I promise I'm not mad at you. I'm just upset because of what happened to me. It's not your fault."

 _It's my fault._ His lips make motions that might be those words.

"It's okay..."

Then Touya is gone for a minute or an hour or a day, he can't be sure. The thing that nudges him toward the end of his trance is the sudden string of salt water in his eyes; tears, it seems, so many shed that when he cries again, his eyes start to burn. He finally, finally lets out a deep sigh he didn't know he was holding in his chest.

Touya blinks the tears away, and finally he feels himself returning to his body, returning to the physical world. It's been awhile since he's had a proper panic attack like that. He's been coping well, but seeing N like this, knowing _he_ facilitated this hurt, that's what broke him down, that's what killed him.

"...this really was my fault," Touya whispers, so softly that he doesn't know if N even heard him.

"It's not. It's really not."

"I'm the one who started this."

"Alder was going to ask too many questions anyway."

"Not if I didn't start it."

Silence. It is Touya's fault.

"...either way, I'm not mad, Touya."

"You oughta be."

"I'm not going to be mad at you, Touya," and N hugs him a little tighter. "You've never hurt me. I know you meant well. The only reason this went so poorly is because I dreamt about my childhood all night long, and I wasn't in a good state of mind to be here. I made the mistake of hiding this from you. I should have been honest so that this wouldn't have happened." N speaks as if he's figuring himself out in the moment. Good. Touya can't make sense of anything right now.

"I started it."

"You took me to Lacunosa Town, yes. You're not the one who ruined my childhood." N almost laughs. "In fact, I think you're the first person who's ever been as kind to me as you have been. Even my sisters never got too close because of Ghetsis. He didn't let them protect me. You didn't let him stop you, though. I admire you for that." Pause. "You've done nothing but _help_ me. There are just... things that you can't fix. There's things that aren't going to go away yet. I know you're doing your best. You've done _more_ than enough for me, Touya." Touya can't say he feels like he's done much of anything, though. "I'm happy you came back, even though I snapped when I heard you run back here."

"...I shouldn't have let it get to this point." His head is still blurry with guilt.

"You didn't start this fire, Touya. You're cleaning up ashes that aren't your responsibility."

"I don't care if it's my responsibility or not, N," Touya spits out. "You mean so much to me, do you know that? I just want you to feel better."

"...this is going to take awhile, Touya."

"I know," but he still sobs those words, because he hates that N is hurting.

"I don't ask anything of you, and yet you're still here for me." N pulls Touya's head a little closer to him, and he nuzzles into N's shoulder. "You're not at fault. No matter what, you are _not_ at fault. Please try to believe this."

"I just hate seeing people I care about get hurt." He doesn't want someone he loves to be hurt. He doesn't like seeing his friends or family or Pokémon get hurt. More than _anything,_ he hates seeing his loved ones feel pain, and just as much, he hates that sometimes there's nothing he can do but be there. He wants to do more. He _needs_ to do more.

"All I can do is be here."

"That's all I need."

Touya finally finds the strength in his arms to hug N back. "How are you so calm all of the sudden?"

"All of... we've been here for about two hours, Touya." Of course. "I even asked if I could call Rosa and make sure she did have Kyurem, and you nodded and let me call." Pause. "She does, by the way. Do you not remember?"

Touya shakes his head slowly. "I don't remember a damn thing."

"Poor thing..."

In a motion that would make Touya jump and blush and shout if he were feeling any more steady, N kisses his forehead and hugs him again.

"I'm sorry I got upset. I'll tell you if I'm not okay next time so I don't break down without warning again."

"You don't need to apologize, N. Th-That was totally justified."

N laughs a little. "It was still a bit mean."

"You're doing your best." Touya closes his eyes sleepily. "I'm proud of you."

"You too." N pulls away at last and wipes Touya's eyes with his fingers. "Do you want to leave?"

He tries to nod, but the motion isn't too clear. "Y-Yeah, yeah. Do you wanna go back to Undella Bay?"

"Of course," N smiles. "I know that place makes you happy, and I like seeing you smile."

Touya manages to smile back. "Me too."

"Also, would you want to visit Nimbasa City again at some point? I haven't been on a ferris wheel in years."

"You and your ferris wheels, huh?" he laughs.

"I like them!" N fusses, but Touya isn't protesting. He looks cute when he falls into this lighthearted state of mind.

"I'd be more than happy to go back with you."

Touya isn't quite feeling better, he's not all the way here, but he _is_ with N, and that's all that matters.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "hey ghostscribe is back in action what're we getting today" highkey angst!!!  
> hoo boy this was a fun chapter! they'll get some fluff soon i promise :0 my feelings about N having a Bad Dad can be summarized by me banging pots and pans outside gamefreak's headquarters chanting LET N BE HAPPY late into the night. granted i just wrote angst of him so i'm kinda at fault too but still -  
> fun fact, the only benefit to having experienced really severe anxiety before is that you get to write panic attacks for characters with real life experience!! otherwise it sucks. Touya just wants his ~~boy~~ best friend to be happy and when he's not Touya's heart is just the D: emoticon  
>  (bonus content: [daddy issues](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1ItGArSKDT4) by the neighborhood was my writing music for this chapter if you want some nice mood music)


	30. settle, settle, share your thoughts with me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Touya is settling down after the day's events with N. His mind is reeling with another overwhelming set of emotions, though.

"I'm just happy everything stopped in the end."

Touya and N are walking back to Undella Town, even though the sun is down and they're navigating by moonlight reflecting off the ocean waves. It's truly a stunning scene all things considered, truly a moment of peace after all the stress they've put themselves through in the past day at Lacunosa Town. While N has insisted that everything is okay, and it was all worth it, Touya begs to differ. Nothing could be worth letting N feel as hurt as he was back there. Touya still isn't forgiving himself for what happened, but for the moment, he can at least push those thoughts aside for a little while, tuck them away and let himself just breath in this moment with N.

"I-I'm proud of you for stopping it," Touya replies. "I know things got bad, b-but if you weren't there, Rosa could've gotten hurt. You saved her _and_ the Unova region."

N is grinning a little in the moonlight, sadly but surely. "I suppose so. I heard about what was going on and felt it was a necessary effort. I had nearly thrust Unova into the jaws of undoing when I was leading Team Plasma, and I needed to make up for my misdeeds somehow."

"I think you've done more than enough by now."

N hums quietly. "I'm glad you feel that way."

Touya realizes now that he's been holding N's hand since... since when? This gesture is coming sonaturally to them that he's not even aware of it when it happens. How could that be, though? Maybe it's just because Touya doesn't want to lose N again, maybe this is a means of keeping him close enough that he won't run away, maybe this is grounding to the both of them. Whatever it is, it helps Touya remember that this is real, N is here and so is he. He woke up one morning to look for N, and at last he found him. This is what he's been seeking for years. As to why, Touya couldn't explain in short until now; he cares so, so much about N.

Touya can't always find the words to say about N, but if there's one certainty, it's that he cares so much about him.

"Staryu."

N swings their clasped hands out toward the ocean, aiming at these periodic flickers of red coming from below the surface. "Oh. Does everything in the ocean glow?"

N laughs a little. "Not everything glows within the visible light spectrum, but most oceanic Pokémon have some amount of bioluminescence to them. Many of them glow so faintly and in wavelengths that humans can't see, so it's often difficult to tell. I know that if we _were_ to see the luminescence of otherwise non-luminescent Pokémon, it would look almost like a yellowish-green color."

Touya nods. "So even the Basculin out there are glowing a bit, huh?"

"In their own special way, yes. Most of their luminescence is stored in the stripes on their body."

The way N looks out on the ocean makes Touya's heart warm. He knows this is a bit of an unusual setting for him, that N isn't used to ocean tides coming in and sea salt getting stuck in his hair, but he's glad he seems to like it here. The beach has always been a huge source of comfort for Touya, so if he can bring N willingly back down here, that would be lovely.

"How are you feeling?" N asks suddenly.

"Okay," Touya answers. "I'm doing better now. Are you?"

N shrugs. "Partially."

"I-Is there anything I can do to help?" He needs to do _something,_ he really does. He's the reason N had this breakdown in the first place, whether N wants to acknowledge it or not.

"Just be here with me. That's all I ask of you."

Touya grips N's hand a little tighter impulsively. "I-I know, but... I-I just, I feel like I should do something more. I-I let you get hurt, a-and - "

"Touya." N's voice is stern enough to silence him in an instant, but it quickly becomes gentle once more. "Touya, it really isn't your fault. I don't want you to keep telling yourself that, okay?"

He will, but he can at least be quiet about it. "Okay."

Touya tries to focus on the environment, letting the quiet moment override his ability to overthink his mistakes. He can hear roots of Pelipper cooing from the grass, some of them even soaring out into the waves in the darkness for a bite to eat. The sand sinks under his feet - oh, wow, the waves are getting close. His shoes are going to get soaked if the tide comes in anymore while they're on this sandbar.

"Do you want to just... stay here for awhile?" N asks. Touya grins at him.

"You mean on Route 13, or on the sandbar that's going to disappear any second now?"

N laughs a bit sheepishly. "Whatever works for you."

Touya pulls N gently along, careful not to tug hard enough to reopen the little nail bites on N's wrist. "Let's find a spot to set up camp for now. It might be nice sitting out here - u-unless you'd rather head back to Undella's Pokémon Center, I-I don't wanna - "

"No, no, I think it's a lovely night to spend outside," N cuts Touya off with a cheerful tone. "Besides, there's not any good camping spots around Nimbssa City. I don't think they'll take kindly to us trying to sleep out under the ferris wheel."

N and his ferris wheels. "Why do you like ferris wheels so much?"

"They're elegant and beautiful," N muses, smiling peacefully in the sea breeze. "They're comprised of gears and motors all working in mathematical harmony to bring you to a bird's eye view of the world below. Whenever it waits there for a moment, I look out on the scenery and realize how beautiful the world I've been given to is. It gives me a sense of purpose, in a way. There's so much natural beauty, and I want to protect that." Pause. "And I can. I can do it without Team Plasma."

Touya is lost in N's words for a moment. "That's beautiful."

"I'm glad you agree. I love this world." N's hand finally leaves Touya's grip when N darts a few steps ahead, almost dancing up the stairs. "I love everything about the way the world works! It took some time to understand how the world works, of course, but I think that's what keeps it magical. There's always more to explore! There's an infinite amount of people and Pokémon to find out there, when everyone carries their own truths and ideals."

N takes a deep breath in. The ocean smells even clearer from up on this clifftop, Touya notes.

"The world is a beautiful melody of formulas and harmonies all working to make one long, meaningful existence. Nothing is ever black and white." N looks back at Touya, the moonlight almost tinting N's hair in blue shimmers. "You taught me all this, Touya."

Touya is grinning ear to ear. "I-I'm... glad I could help a little."

"More than a little, Touya. You changed the world for me - rather, you helped me see past my idealized truth. The _real_ truth is what's ideal, it seems."

N has always had a way with words, with monologuing like this. It's a wonder he doesn't trip over himself with how fast he talks, but N always knows exactly what he wants to say. He seems to effortlessly put experiences into sentences in a way that still captures the essence of it all. There's always just the right emphasis and the perfect pauses, rising and falling tones, as if N is singing every time he speaks poems about the world. He wonders if N realizes he has this gift - but maybe this is just how he thinks. As someone who's often at a loss for words, N's expert handle of conversation is really outstanding to Touya.

"Touya?"

"Hm?"

"Is something wrong?"

Touya shrugs a little. "No, no. You're just good at saying stuff." Wow. How eloquent of him.

N blushes a little. "I suppose so. I just like to talk through my thoughts so I can understand myself. It's hard for me to understand how I feel without talking about it."

"For me, it's kinda the opposite," Touya replies, motioning for N to sit next to him at the tree line. "I can understand how I'm feeling, b-but I can never find the right words. I used to talk to my sister about how I felt sometimes, b-but we got older, and things got more complicated, a-and I just... kinda didn't have the right words anymore. Sometimes she'd ask if I had a crush on Cheren, a-and I didn't know how to tell that I just love him as a friend, y'know?"

N seems a little lost. "Ah."

"I mean," he continues, but god this is not his strong suit, "I think when we were just getting to our teenage years, she kinda forgot that love isn't always a romantic thing, right? S-So when I'd tell Cheren or Bianca that I love them, it wouldn't click with her. It's just that I love my friends. I-It's kinda how people love their Pokémon, too."

"I see..." N thinks for a minute. "I loved my Pokémon, too. I love all Pokémon, in fact! That's why I always feel a little sad that I have to keep Reshiram in its pokéball, but it's also sad that my friends live all across the region - across the whole world, even. I've made plenty of Pokémon friends I'd like to meet again one day, but I think they may have just moved along with their lives, as they do."

"Well, you'll never know until you go back and visit, huh?"

"If you would come with me, I would love to travel again."

That relives Touya in a way he didn't know he needed, knowing that N would want to travel _with_ him. "Th-That could be nice. I've been all over looking for you, b-but I didn't stay anywhere for too long. It'd be nice to go back out and just... explore, y'know?"

"I would love that." Pause. "Touya?"

"Huh?"

"What _is_ love to you?"

Oh. That's a good question, actually. "I-I guess... it's kinda a strong affection for someone. S-So, I mean, I care a lot about my family and my friends and my Pokémon, right? So I would do a lot for them, e-even if it would hurt me sometimes. I-I don't go out of my way to get hurt," he quickly clarifies, "b-but... I mean, I guess I'd rather get hurt than see them get hurt. Th-That's kinda a constant thing I have for the ones I love."

"What do you do when your Pokémon get hurt in battle?"

Touya looks back out to sea, watching the Staryu's lights flicker like lightning. "I heal them. Pokémon battles are just... k-kinda a thing that happens when you're a trainer. Th-There's a difference between getting hurt in battle and getting _really_ hurt, I-I guess. It's kinda like what Green was saying in Driftveil City. You don't make your Pokémon battle to the point where they get really injured."

"Ah."

Touya twists his fingers through the grass. "I-I guess that doesn't really answer your question, though. I-I just... Love is a feeling. I can't really put feelings into words the way you do."

"I guess the trouble I'm having is in understanding how you know if you love something."

His heart skips a beat. "What do you mean?"

"I know I love Pokémon," N starts, "because they've been the only comfort I've had for much of my life. I'm sure I love them, and I want to protect them, but I'm not sure what else love is, other than defending someone like that."

"Hm... I mean, sometimes I guess it's just the little moments?" Touya offers uncertainly. "When I was talking to Cheren before we left for the tournament, he was telling me a lot about kinda the little things he and Bianca like to do together, a-and I guess... I-I dunno, I guess that might be love...?"

"I see..."

Touya sighs. "D-Don't quote me on that, though. I-I'm just as lost as you are."

"...can we walk on the beach again?" N asks suddenly. "I just want to test something."

"Sure," Touya hops up and follows N back to the sand. "What are you testing?"

"Um... something." Is he blushing?

"Well, if you wanna get any input on it, you can tell me."

Oh yeah, he's blushing. Why, though? "I-I'm just... thinking. I'm thinking of the people I've met."

That makes Touya's heart sink a little for some reason. "Right."

"I guess I started wondering about this when I remembered a very cruel thing someone once said to me," N muses. "I wondered if love was characteristic of a human heart, but I know Pokémon are very capable of loving one another, so that's not the case at all. I just... wonder if I would, um, know it if I felt it."

Touya shrugs. "Cheren definitely didn't for awhile. I could tell he totally had a thing for Bianca before we even got our first Pokémon, and when he told me he thought he had a crush on her while I was going to get the Freeze Badge, and I think I just said something like _yeah, you think I didn't notice?"_

N laughs, a full and happy sound. "Did he think you didn't know?"

"I mean, _he_ wasn't even sure if he was in love, y'know? So he just figured I didn't know, either, but he was making it obvious. We were struggling to figure out how Bianca felt, though, b-because she's just always very sweet to us three - Cheren and Touko and I. It's funny that he made such a big deal out of it when they ended up forgetting when and how they even got together."

N nods thoughtfully. "I suppose it was natural for them, then."

"Very natural." He pauses. "Who were you thinking about?"

"Just... people I've met."

"Ah." That's... nice. That's good. He's glad N is branching out. Why does this hurt, though? "Is it Crystal?"

"No - well, yes but - well, it's just a lot of people," N vaguely answers. "Though, I do like her outlook on Pokémon battles, and Red's perspective, by extension. If it's not fun for everyone, it's not worth pursuing. I feel like a lot could be solved by following that logic."

Touya wonders if he can get Crystal's number, just to keep tabs on these two. He's sure Crystal isn't interested in someone she just met. Then again, he doesn't know her very well, and if N falls in love with her, isn't that a good thing? Touya wants N to be happy, and he shouldn't - he _won't_ be one to stand in the way of that. Maybe he just doesn't want to lose N. It's not that he would - he didn't lose Cheren as a friend when he started dating Bianca, but he's still nervous...

"Then there's Rosa," N continues after a few quiet minutes. "I realized the only thing she seems to have in common with you is her determination. Otherwise, she's... she's hotter and colder than you, really. She's quicker to snap, but she's not... well, I've told you this before. You're a very neutral presence, and she seems to be more of a dichotomy than a perfect balance."

"Perfect?" Touya feels himself flush a bit. He'll never get used to compliments.

"W-Well, I mean, um..." N trails off for a moment. "You know what I mean."

"A neutral presence."

"Y-Yes."

N really is sweet. He can see why someone would be interested in him.

"Silver is interesting, too," N continues. "I know you didn't see him for very long, but he reminded me a little bit of Cheren. He's very intent on becoming stronger, but from what we discussed, he used to be... even less tolerant than he is now, a-and he definitely has a temper." Pause. "His father was the leader of Team Rocket. I felt that he was a kindred spirit, in some way."

Touya remembers Green mentioning Team Rocket before, and it was never anything good. He recalls Lance saying that Green was getting _too_ up in arms, but Green had just said something to the effect of _you know I feel about people that hurt him._ It's only now that Touya realizes _him_ in that sentence was referring to Red, not just Silver.

"Y'know what's weird?" Touya starts, because he needs to bounce this off someone. "Th-This is kinda off-topic, but I met Green almost a year ago now, w-when I started working on the Plasma case, a-and he never really talked about Red at all."

"And now you can't get them away from each other," N chuckles. "I wonder why that is."

Touya shrugs. "I dunno. I talked a lot about you when you were gone - I-I mean," he backpedals a bit, "I-I was looking for you, s-so I had to talk about you..."

Touya didn't need to spill all his thoughts and feelings about N out to Red on that mountain, though. He didn't need to run his mouth to the youngest champion of Sinnoh. He didn't need to explain what N means to him to get Steven to escort him through the treacherous underwater trenches of Hoenn. Nonetheless, Touya said a lot about N, thought even more about him, all because... because what?

"I would mention you, too," N replies at last. "Sometimes I wouldn't, though. I was trying to remain anonymous, mostly. I even considered cutting my hair, but then I worried you wouldn't recognize me." N sighs. "I guess that's a bit of a dumb thing to worry about, though."

"N-No, no, I understand. I would've recognized you, though, s-so you don't need to worry. I-I did get thrown off in Hoenn because I saw someone with hair that looked like if you cut yours. Th-That was kinda embarrassing."

N looks back at Touya. "He was younger, right? And he had a Gardevoir with him?"

"You met him, too?"

N nods. "I suppose it really is a small world."

"Not small enough sometimes," Touya sighs. "R-Really, whenever I felt like I went over every inch and every face in the world, I'd look up and realize I wasn't even close to done."

"...I'm sorry about that, Touya."

N squeezes Touya's hand a bit. How long have they been holding hands this time?

"Don't be sorry. I-I'm just glad you're home."

N smiles sweetly, peacefully. "I'm happy to be home. I love it here."

There's that _love_ thing again. "At least you know you love that, right?"

N seems to be blushing again. "Right."

"...was there someone specific you wanted to ask about?" Touya offers, though he feels a bit like he's losing N, even when he's this close. "I-I mean, I've never had any real romantic experience, but I, um, I can try to help you."

N shakes his head quickly. "N-No, no. It's just... I'm just pensive."

Oh. "You think about stuff a lot, huh?"

"I want to understand the world around me," N replies. "I don't understand a lot of things yet, so - oh!"

N suddenly pulls away from Touya, so suddenly and unexpectedly that even N's excitement can't really cheer him up. "What is it?"

N reaches into the water and picks up something, leaving his shoes and the edge of his sleeve damp. "Sea glass!"

Touya gives him a lopsided grin. "You could've pulled your sleeves up, you know."

"I wanted to pick it up before it got washed away," N retorts. "I wanted to give you a piece, too, since you gave me the one you found."

It's a small, irregular shape, but it's textured with little bumps, and a beautiful deep blue. "You found a really good piece, N. Blues like this don't come up that often."

"Then you should keep it," N smiles. "Take it as a form of thanks."

"You don't have to thank me for anything, N."

"Too bad. I'm thanking you for always being kind to me, so that's that. I know you love sea glass."

"Well, thank you. You know I love - yeah."

 _You know I love you_ is the phrase that he almost said, but that's not what he meant, he loves N as a friend but this is kinda a conspicuous time to tell him given the subject matter and _he just gave me a present and why am I getting jealous of him crushing on other people I love him but I don't meanlikethatholyshit -_

"Are you okay, Touya?" Touya looks up and half expects to see N through rose tinted glasses, but he's still just N, the same as he's always been, but these feelings aren't settling at all and that's making Touya even more nervous. "You look sick..."

"I, uh..." He'll tell him later. He loves N as a _friend,_ and it's okay if N falls in romantic love with someone else, but he'll deal with this later. "Did, um, did you eat dinner at any point?"

N looks confused. "When would I have eaten dinner? I've been with you all day."

Shit shit shit his heart won't stop racing - "I-I think, um, w-w-we should eat, o-or something. I-I don't, um," _I don't want you to get hurt,_ no, that's also kinda suspicious, "y-you might not feel good if you don't eat, s-so, uh, y-yeah."

N takes Touya's hand again and leads him on, and he feels himself settling down. "You look like _you're_ getting sick, Touya. You can be honest."

"I-I just... didn't want you to worry." Yeah, that's a good enough excuse.

"Well, let's find something to eat so you feel better. Do you want to eat in Undella Town?"

Is... Is that a date? "That would be nice."

Whatever kind of bond Touya has with N, he cherishes it, even through these weird butterflies.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i like to call this one _plotless fluff where Touya is either in denial or oblivious but most likely both,_ the movie  
>  N has a lot of feelings about a lot of things and he likes to share them with with his ~~boy~~ best friend Touya! i feel like during the events of bw, N kinda used Touya as a sounding board, which is largely how N's world views started to change, and so he keeps talking to him about stuff he doesn't understand such as yknow. Love™  
>  meanwhile Touya is trying to justify his jealousy because he doesn't totally wanna admit he's in love yet. that's slowburn for ya!  
> 


	31. worry, worry, stop overthinking it

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Green experiences two main kinds of stress. One type makes his heart drop, and the other sends it soaring higher than a ferris wheel.

This alternative is going surprisingly well.

Green was worried that Red wouldn't actually hold up in a proper civilized restaurant, and considering that most of the restaurants in Nimbasa City are a bit pricier, he was starting to fret having to actually pay for dinner. He spent twenty minutes trying to convince his friend that their dinner in the grotto could _technically_ count as that dinner Red bet on, but Red is, of course, too stubborn to just accept that. The resulting compromise between that and breaking his wallet is less of a dinner and more of a dessert, but Red seems content with this nonetheless. It's been years since they had milkshakes anyway.

Green can't help but think this feels a little bit like a date, though, and Crystal isn't helping.

[ok but literally why is this like. date-like yknow]

{Green, just go with it. You *are* trying to flirt with him after all, aren't you?}

[i mean yes but like this just feels weird for him?? its not like Red to do date shit]

{Well, if you're too nervous to ask him out yourself, this is the best you're gonna get, so you should take it.}

Green huffs at his phone, as if Crystal can sense he's annoyed and honestly pretty nervous. [i guess]

Red tugs Green's sleeve, and he tilts his phone screen just far enough that Red can't read it. _(Are you okay?)_

"Yeah, yeah." He's only half-lying. "The kids are just getting up to some shit. I dunno how Crystal manages to keep them in line even half as well as she does. If I got stuck with 'em, they'd've burned half the region down by now."

Red grins a bit. They both know Crystal has a way with keeping people a bit more level-headed, especially when it comes to the twins, but exactly _how_ is a mystery to both of them.

"You wanna head towards the park? There's prob'ly a good place to sit down there." Red nods a little, though he seems uneasy. "It'll be alright, I promise. If it's way too crowded, we'll swing back out and find somewhere else to park, okay?"

Red nods a bit more definitively. Green still puts his arm around him to keep him steady. He realizes that Red isn't exactly a very touchy person, but he seems fairly comfortable with Green keeping his arm around him, oddly enough. He'll take it. This is comforting for Green, too.

{Green, are you working on your mega evolution research? I found a few inconsistencies. Call me when you have a spare moment.}

Oh, great. Green didn't want nor need a text from gramps today. He'd rather be left alone until he gets back to Kanto. [not now i'll call later]

{The longer you put it off, the harder it will be go through and fix it.}

Green sighs a bit. [is it even anything that bad]

{Of course it is. Any inconsistency in a research paper will invalidate everything that follows that research. You need to fix it.}

That doesn't really answer his question. [where is the inconsistency]

{Call me and we'll talk about it.}

[international calls are expensive. we'll talk when we get back]

{Are you really going to wait that long?}

Green refuses to dignify that with an answer. The _esteemed_ Professor Oak is a fucking piece of work, which is something only Green knows as well as he does. He heavily critiques any piece of research or data he can get his hands on, and ordinarily, it's all in the name of science, of understanding this weird species of creatures called Pokémon as thoroughly as possible. Usually, that flies. That's usually what it is.

That's hardly ever the case for Green.

Green will be honest, the man is brilliant in his research, that much is certain. It's just that he's kinda an asshole. Gramps knows how to put up a facade of kindness, of amiability, but when there's no one to impress and no need to keep that image up, he gets testy, irate. More than anything, Green resents his constant scrutiny, his inability to stop being critical and start experiencing life through his heart and soul. He's sure gramps wasn't always this way, he's sure he was a bit better last decade, but even then, the relationship between he and Green was a trying one. The fact that he kept favoring Red didn't really-

{Do you stillhave Red with you? You can't lose him again. His mom was devastated.} - didn't really help their slowly deteriorating relationship. Green honestly just doesn't want to bother trying to make amends anymore.

[he's with me] With that, Green mutes the conversation and puts his phone away. He's sick of this.

_(You look upset,)_ Red signs, catching Green's attention.

"I'm kinda tired, is all." Again, that's not entirely a lie. "Are you good?" Red nods. "You sure?" A more firm nod. "Good." Green tests his luck and pulls Red a tiny bit closer, and he leans into Green for a moment.

{Are you ever actually going to say something? Because I doubt Red is going to figure out how to do it.} Green stares at Crystal's message intently. Oh, he wants to tell Red how he feels, he even _tried_ to just after the World Tournament, but he got interrupted, and now he can't really find the courage to try again.

[idk]

{Green.}

[maybe he'll do smth first]

{That is ridiculously unlikely, and you know it. You know how shy Red gets.}

[i'll figure something out ok get off my ass]

{If I stop hassling you, you're going to just wait for another what, six years? Nine? Why are you stalling? You're getting nothing out of this.}

[bc i dont wanna freak him out and make him run again okay??? i want Red *here* so i dont care if he feels the same or not i just dont want him to run away again jfc] Green has actually been very anxious about Red bolting, and that _you can't lose him again_ message isn't helping.

{Ah, sorry for hassling so much then :( That's totally justified. Maybe you should let him know you're worried though...?} Maybe. Either that, or he can bottle up his emotions in the way that he does.

_Green._ It's this very particular tug at his sleeve that's become synonymous with his name.

"Sorry, Red. I shouldn't keep spacing out on you."

_What's wrong?_ The sentiment is conveyed in a worried expression and a slight shift.

"Nothin' in particular," which is a blatant lie this time. He's worried about Red, about eventually going home, about losing Red and disappointing everyone as per usual. "I'm just... dunno. I guess I'm..." Yeah, no, there's no excuse.

_You're okay._ Red squeezes Green's arm a little. Funny how he's the one comforting Green, now.

"Yeah, we're all good." Pause. "Do you still wanna head into the park?"

Red nods, then makes a swirling gesture with the hand not holding the milkshake. It takes Green a second to decode, because this isn't a word Red has ever used before.

"I don't... Wait, uh, something about the ferris wheel?" Red nods and smiles, happy that Green figured it out. "You wanna go on it?"

_(If you do.)_ Signing with a milkshake in hand should be harder than Red is making it look.

"Once we're done these, yeah," Green nods and takes another sip of his drink. "B'sides, this is basically dinner for me."

Red rollshis eyes. _(You need to eat real food too.)_

"Oh, look who's talkin'." Red laughs silently. "We did have _one_ actual meal today, at least. That's better than nothin'."

_(We could've got a real dinner. You still owe me.)_

"Look, food is fuckin' expensive here, Red. We'll do something in Castelia." Red tenses up, not a lot, but just enough for Green to notice. "It's alright, Red. We'll find a quiet spot out there. A city that huge can't have _every_ corner of it filled up, right?"

_I'm nervous._ It's such a familiar gesture.

"If you get too nervous out there, we'll head into one of the gates and figure out where we wanna go from there, okay?" Green offers. He's not about to make Red _stay_ in Castelia City, no, but he does want to try and get him to visit. He feels like it's probably a bad idea, all things considered, but if Red doesn't like it there, that'll be pretty immediately apparent, and Green can pull Red aside before anything goes too horribly wrong. He's even keeping a close eye on Red here, even though it's late enough in the evening that most people are either back at their hotel rooms (Nimbasa isn't exactly a residential city) or in some club or casino somewhere.

Green can't help but feel his nerves working through his stomach, though. _You can't lose him again._

The two of them sit on a bench near the end of the park, next to a tacky inflatable Audino. It's deserted out here, quiet save for the flashing of the water fountain in front of them. The way the lights glimmer off the water and bounce onto Red's eyes is almost mesmerizing.

"...hey, Red, what do you wanna do when we leave Unova?"

He glances at Red, who sits pensively and sips the chocolate milkshake. All he offers is a shrug.

"'cause I dunno what I'm gonna do next. I might go back to Kalos at some point to keep researching mega evolution," _inconsistencies,_ "but I might also go to Hoenn for that, too. There's a League meeting this fall, so I'll have to head back to Indigo Plateau to go to that." He looks at Red expectantly, but Red is just listening, following along but offering no input. "I dunno. What do you wanna do?" Red shrugs again. "I dunno either."

The air is suddenly a bit heavy, or maybe that's Green's nerves getting to him. He's not worried about having to interact with people the way Red is, no. He's always eager to move around the world, in fact. While he's been Viridian City's gym leader for quite some time now, he's getting a bit stir crazy, to put it lightly. He doesn't like having to live so close to home, he doesn't like feeling trapped.

And that's in great part due to the famous Professor Oak.

It really isn't that Green _doesn't_ care about his grandfather, no. It's the other way around, in fact; he doesn't give half a shit about Green anymore. Green would have been fine to just borrow the lab and do his own research forever, maybe even inherit it whenever gramps eventually passes away, but there's too many memories there that Green doesn't want to bring back up, memories of constant criticism and frequent yelling about how _he was your responsibility, how could you let him do this to himself?_ No, Green didn't _let_  Red run away, and ever since he left, gramps has been grilling him about it and making him feel worse and worse and _worse_ without even considering that Green is already guilt-ridden about it. That's not even mentioning the barrage of criticisms, often unnecessary ones, on all of Green's research. Green stopped letting gramps proofread his work after only a few months of working together, because he couldn't put aside his constant barrage of implications that _you're really not good enough._ Crystal can be harsh in her proofing, but at least she's reasonable and honest. She -

"Green."

His name is whispered so softly that he almost doesn't hear Red, but Green has a way of detecting his voice from a mile away. "Hey."

_(What are you thinking about?)_

"Eh, just stuff." He... He may as well be honest. "Just stressed about going back to Viridian, I guess. I kinda don't wanna deal with gramps getting on my case again."

Red nods knowingly. When the two of them left for Unova, gramps had a few choice words for Green, ultimately amounting to _he came back on his own,_ you _didn't bring him home and I'm disappointed in you._ This sure as hell isn't the first time he's been disappointed in Green, and it won't be the last time.

_(We can visit Kalos.)_

Green smiles a bit. It's not a permanent fix, but it'll do for now. "Yeah? Like I said, it's really nice there. I wanna get out and visit around more, too. Oh, I oughta bring you to Laverre City. The gym there specializes in fairy types. The typing is actually really interesting, 'cause there's a lot of fairy Pokémon that were previously classified as normal or something because we didn't have the right words for 'em yet. I heard Professor Elm was trying to research into the mythical Pokémon Celebi, 'cause he thinks it might be more of a fairy type than psychic, but - "

Green looks over to see Red stealing the last sip of his strawberry milkshake, and he can't help but laugh.

"You could'a asked, y'know."

Red just shrugs. _(You were talking.)_

"I can talk for hours, Red."

_(I like that.)_

Why is Red so cute? "Well, I think you're the only one that does."

Red shrugs again and leans his head on Green's shoulder for half a minute. Green leans over a little too, letting the moment happen quietly, gently. Green likes feeling Red's physical presence, likes the affirmation that Red is really here, because for so long these moments would shatter at the sound of his alarm clock, and Green would have to come back to reality. This _is_ reality, though, this time the moment is real, and when it ends, Red will still be here.

_He_ didn't bring Red back, but Red is at least here.

"...did you wanna go on the ferris wheel?" Red nods, but makes no move to get up. "We can't go anywhere if you're still leaning on me."

Red is processing that logic for a couple more seconds before he blushes and hops up. Green slings his arm around Red and leads him off after tossing the empty cups. The ferris wheel is just about to ascend by the time they get into the cart.

"You've been kinda quiet tonight," Red says quietly, as if he could still be heard in the enclosed ferris wheel carriage.

"I'm just kinda lost in thought."

"Oh."

Green reaches across the cart and holds Red's hand. "I'm doing fine, though, okay? I promise."

"I don't believe you."

Silence. What should he say? What _can_ he say?

"Oh."

The wheel jolts suddenly, and now they're ascending slowly to the top.

"You just don't get this quiet. I wanna make sure you're okay."

Green nods. "I am, I just... stuff's kinda weird right now."

Red looks nervous. "What do you mean?"

"I mean," Green squeezes Red's hand a bit, "I'm so, _so_ happy you're with me again, trust me, I-I couldn't be happier with that. I just dunno what's gonna happen when we get back to Kanto. Gramps and I aren't getting along," and suddenly his words are coming without his consent, "a-and he's still pissed off that I never got you to come home 'cause he likes you better than me, and I'm gonna have to go back to the gym, but I don't wanna leave you alone for too long 'cause then you might leave again, and I don't _want_ you to leave, I-I want you to be with me because I - "

Green's voice catches in his throat. Almost. He almost got it out that time.

"...I really care about you." Close enough. That's not close enough.

"I'm not gonna leave, Green." Green looks up at Red after a moment of silence, and if anything, Red looks concerned and particularly confused. "I didn't wanna stay up there after you left last time."

That doesn't make sense. "Why didn't you come back, then?"

Red shrugs shallowly and looks down. That gesture here doesn't mean _I don't know,_ it means something closer to _I don't have the words to explain it._

"...what made you come down this time, then?"

"You wrote me a letter."

"I was writing them for awhile, Red."

Pause. Then, "I miss you so much it hurts." Using the present tense doesn't make sense here, but _I miss you so much it hurts_ was the last line Green wrote to Red in that letter, and that was the line he debated erasing. Red wouldn't be here with him if he did.

...so he did succeed in bringing Red home, in a way.

"Sorry, Red."

"What are you apologizing for?"

"I dunno. Everything?"

"It's okay."

"It's not - "

"I'm forgiving you for everything even if you're not gonna forgive yourself, and you just have to live with that now," Red pouts, and Green laughs.

"Alright, alright, I accept your forgiveness."

"Good. I don't like seeing you sad." Pause. "I'm sorry Professor Oak is giving you a hard time about this, though."

Green waves his hand dismissively. "Eh, he's just giving me shit about everything. He doesn't understand this at all, though. He thought you ran off 'cause of me, I guess." Pause. "It... I didn't make you run, did I?"

"No. It was everything else." Red takes Green's other hand in his own and looks away, cheeks tinted pink. "You were the main reason I didn't run away sooner, a-and you're the main reason I came back."

Green takes Red's hand and kisses it. "I'm happy to hear that, Red."

Now he's definitely blushing. "W-Why do you keep doing that?"

"Well, we're gonna visit Kalos, aren't we?"

"Are we in Kalos right _now,_ though?"

"May as well practice, right?" he smirks, and Red pulls away shyly.

"Shut up," Red mumbles, and Green laughs. "What did I _just_ say, Green?"

He rolls his eyes at Red. "Yeah, yeah, I heard you."

The ferris wheel stops for a moment, placing them just shy of the peak. "Why are you getting stressed about going home right now, though?"

Green sighs. "'cause gramps messaged me earlier, and I stopped answering up 'cause I wanna just enjoy being out here instead of having to fight him at every turn. I'm just overthinking some stuff now."

Red looks concerned. "When did overthinking become _your_ specialty?"

"What do you mean?"

"Crys said you overthink things a lot too." Pause. "I didn't realize that."

Green sighs again. "Yeah. It's kinda a new development, I guess." Pause. "It's not anyone's fault, it's just... sometimes things happen, and you think on it for a minute, and suddenly you're being a crazy conspiracy theorist in your room about whether your tone of voice is gonna start a fight or not."

Red whines softly. _That's not good._

"I know. I'm... I'm kinda okay about it now." Pause. "Don't worry about it, Red, okay? I just gotta make sure you're okay."

"If you're not okay, neither am I."

Oh.

"So I want you to tell me if you're not okay. Even if I can't help, I don't wanna let you be sad alone."

For some reason, it's that line that melts Green's heart, it's that line that makes him fall apart under Red's gaze, determined and caring. It's the look Green has seen in Red's eyes when he's training his Pokémon, when there's a close call in a battle, when someone is in trouble and he refuses to let them struggle in isolation.

Green fixes his sleeves. "That sounds fair."

"Good."

_Ohmygod -_

It's... been awhile. It's definitely been awhile. Green can't remember if it was a month or half a year before he stopped going up to Mount Silver. He knows the second visit was the first time, he knows this isn't exactly a common occurrence, he knows he was kinda asking for this by being as flirtatious as he's been, but his logic is torn between Red's subtle headstrong attitude and his overwhelming shyness, because this is so like Red and yet so, so unlike him. This is weird, this is _wonderful_ , it's always those two emotions swirling together that leave Green reeling for some grip on reality, because this shouldn't be real, this isn't something somebody does with a friend, but they're not just friends - well, they are, but not really, they're Red and Green, and somehow he feels like there has to be a better word for this.

All of this introspection shoots through Green in a blur in the two seconds that Red kisses him.

"...do you think there's more of those grotto things in the routes around Nimbasa?" Red asks while he looks out on the world, as if he didn't just kiss him, as if this is totally normal and everything is as it should be. Green's heart is racing fast enough to burst.

"Uh... maybe. W-We can check tomorrow, when it's lighter out."

"If you want." Red is barely blushing in the lowlight. Green feels like he's more a mess.

The ferris wheel starts to descent as if on cue. "By the way, uh, I have a question, if that's... okay?"

Red looks at Green a bit nervously, because that's really not the best way to ask Red anything. "What?"

"Why did you - "

"Dunno."

"Oh. Okay." That's about the same exchange they had on Mount Silver when they were fourteen, and somehow, that seems to be a fitting enough answer. Green turns his phone back on.

[CRYS HELP]

{Green, it's midnight, do you need real help, or is this about Red?}

[I THINK HE KINDA TOOK THE HINT BUT NOW I DONT FUCKIN KNOW WHAT TO DO???]

{Okay, calm down. Stop using capslock and tell me exactly what happened.}

[hdsjfgfk fuck i. idk what just happened]

{Look Green, I'm just gonna tell you what I know already. Red thinks you're just teasing him for the sake of teasing him, so you *need* to be really clear. If he's flirting back, I think you're getting somewhere.}

[yeah but fuck idk]

{Green, you need to do *something.*}

[is he fuckin. not getting it]

{Not from what I'm gathering, no. Try harder.}

[I *AM* TRYING OKAY]

{TRY HARDER DUMBASS}

[HOW IS HE NOT GETTING IT HE LITERALLY JUST KISSED ME LIKE WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO????]

Crystal's typing bubbles are going, and suddenly Green realizes that she does not, in fact, know that they've been... doing whatever it is they're doing, weird experimental kisses that have happened too often to be experimental anymore. He doesn't even think she knows that they've kissed one or ten times on Mount Silver. She's going to write him a novel, isn't she?

"Crystal?"

Green jolts. "Uh, yeah. How'd you guess?"

Red shrugs. "Just got lucky."

"Yeah." The next text is from N, though. Crystal is gonna take awhile to reply.

{Green hello this is N, Touya gave me your phone number, we're going to visit Nimbasa City tomorrow evening, would you like to come with us?}

[yeah Red and i are there rn, we'll be around by the time you show up. we're gonna go to some of the grottos around the routes here but lmk when you get in okay?]

{okay! thank you! ^_^ }

"N and Tou are gonna meet us up here tomorrow night, by the way," Green relays the message to Red, desperately trying to settle his racing heart. "You cool with that?"

Red nods. "Are you still gonna look at the grottos?"

"Yeah, of course. We can - "

"Do you wanna go right now?" Does Green want to camp outside again with his crush who just kissed him on a ferris wheel and then pretended nothing happened?

Green's phone buzzes seven times with a message from Crystal that's so long it can't even be sent in one chunk, and suddenly Green decides he wants to go somewhere where the reception is a bit worse.

"...yeah, why not?"

More than anything, though, Green just wants to be with Red.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is known as _Green tries to work through a lot of emotional shit and also is gay_  
>  honestly Green needs a better grandfather Oak literally just tells Red he's doing good and kinda snaps at Green all the time. i feel like Oak is almost definitely kinda a perfectionist, and while Green really _really_ overworks himself, Oak just has some pretty impossible standards and is also guilt-tripping Green bc he also feels kinda responsible for Red's disappearance and just doesn't wanna face that fact  
>  meanwhile Red is not fully aware of this but he wants his ~~boy~~ best friend to be happy. is Green going to be happy in the next chapter or am i gonna angst again???? who knows  
>  also, i'll be back at school starting this monday, so don't be surprised if updates are suddenly very slow. i'll aim to at least update a few times a week but my major is pretty time consuming so i can't promise anything ;u;  
>  ~~also also did i ever mention it's actually harder to come up with chapter titles than it is to write the fuckin chapter bc dhgkjfgks~~


	32. close, close, but still too far

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Green tends to think too long and too hard about his worries. Unfortunately, his friendship isn't an exception to this habit.

They're definitely lost.

Yeah, sure, it's literally called _Lostlorn_ Forest, but it looks fairly small, so Green can't figure out how or why he and Red managed to get lost in here. Somehow, they're wandering in the middle of the night through groves of trees that all look slightly different but still very much the same. He could be leading Red in circles for all he knows. It's not even like Green wants to leave any time soon, no. He's just trying to find this one grotto and catch at least one Pokémon with a hidden ability for later evaluation. He's no stranger to catch and release research, but it seems like the forest caught him this time, and there's no release in sight. How is he even supposed to find a specific patch of trees in such a densely wooded area like this, at this time of night? Maybe this wasn't such a good idea...

"Are you sure you know where we're going?" Red asks for the fourth time that night, and finally, Green answers honestly.

"I don't have a damn clue where we even are, Red."

"Good job."

That was said jokingly, of course. Red isn't maliciously patronizing Green, he's not insulting him, but given the past string of messages Green has, he can't help but feel a little weird about his rival right now.

"Thanks." Green tries to peer up through the canopy to catch sight of the stars, in hopes that maybe he can guide himself at least in one direction, but there's no luck. Great. "Can you get your bearings in here, or...?"

Red shrugs. "Left?"

"Yeah, we haven't gone left in awhile."

_He was your responsibility_ is the line that always kills Green. At the very least, that's not what gramps has been complaining about tonight. Before his phone reception died suddenly upon entering Lostlorn Forest (because why wouldn't it cut out?), Green was bombarded with another slew of choice words from him that left a sour taste in his mouth.

_[look i'm just going to do what i can only do in unova for now],_ was the last text Green sent out. The famous Professor Oak responded in turn.

_{You're being ridiculous and stubborn. You've always been like this. You need to focus all your energy into one thing if you want to make any amount of progress in life, Green. You can't keep being this scatter-brained. You can't put something on pause when it suits you. Do you think that could be why Red left? You ignored him for weeks after you lost your champion status, but it was your own fault you lost. You're the reason that boy ran away, all because of this attitude of yours. You need to get yourself into shape. Call me tomorrow about your mega evolution research.}_

In the same breath as a critique of his own character (which Green is used to), there was also this accusation that he was somehow the reason Red isolated himself for eight years. Only two minutes passed before the next novel of a message came in, one that Green could only read snippets of before he lost the ability to focus altogether. Something about _need to seriously pursue him instead of joking around_ and _better not be leading him on_ and _I know you love him, but he doesn't quite get it, and he needs to know unless you want him to give up._ He knows Crystal wrote all of this with the best of intentions, but now his mind is reeling, he feels like he's definitely wronged Red many more times than he should have, and now he has to worry about waiting for so long that Red gives up altogether.

He feels sick. He just wants to sleep.

"You wanna set up camp out here?"

Red looks at Green in confusion. "Right here?"

That's a dumb idea. "Eh, never mind. We'll keep lookin' for a little longer."

Green doesn't know what to do anymore. The ideal plan of action is continuing to pursue Red. If he wants Red to know he loves him, that's really all he can do. This is his best friend, though - he hopes Red is still his best friend, anyway. Red and Crystal never fight like this. Red warmed up to N and Touya pretty quickly. Red plays with Lyra and Ethan without any hesitation. There's other people out there that have been consistently kinder to Red than he has. Green has been defending him with all his heart and soul since he came back down from Mount Silver, but he abandoned him up there for years on end, he hassled and bullied and downright _hurt_ Red when they were kids, he was selfish and rude and awful and Green hates that the last thing he said to Red before he ran away when he was twelve was _don't be selfish_ when Green was the one being so -

"Green!"

Green stumbles and almost face-plants into the dirt. He doesn't know when he started running.

"Sorry."

Red rushes to catch up to Green. "Why are you running away?"

_Running away._ "I... dunno."

"...don't do that. Please."

"Okay. Sorry."

At least it seems like they've finally reached a clearing. This looks like where they started, though, and of fucking course the grotto was literally right fucking there, of course he got lost in his own thoughts and this fucking forest looking for something that was right in front of his stupid eyes.

"C'mon, Red." His voice is low, almost unfamiliar. It's a tone he only used to use when Red was still gone, when he was overwhelmingly miserable in Red's absence. Now Red's presence is what's killing Green. It's the fact that he's so close but not close enough, it's the fact that he could decide to love anyone else at any moment now, it's the fact that Green beat Red down one too many times for them to be this idealistic match that Green thinks they can be, it's the fact that Red got hurt at all and it was always, always Green's fault, it's the fact that this is a wild goose chase and there's no reason Red would feel the same way, it's the fear that all of Red's seemingly flirtatious gestures may be just a means of torturing Green and getting his well-deserved revenge, it's the fear of losing Red in a new, even more horrifying way.

He should've given up ages ago.

_"Vanny?"_

There's a Pokémon in here.

Green knows a little bit about the nature of Leavanny already. He spent quite a while talking to Castelia's gym leader at the previous year's PWT, and after meeting that Leavanny, he knows that even wild ones are very nurturing and docile. They hardly ever attack unless attacked first, and they're a prime candidate for catching without a proper battle. Red has a knack for that, in fact, since he...

He doesn't really want to think about Red right now, actually.

"Hey, buddy," Green approaches the insect, who comes over to him willingly. "Looks like I finally found someone in one of these little coves, huh? What are you doing up so late?"

_"Leavanny?"_

"I guess I'm up late too, though." He doesn't know exactly what she said, but she did sound confused. "I don't - "

_"Vaaa!"_

Before Green can really react, the Leavanny is covering him in large leaves off the ground, sticking them together with the silk from her mouth. Green sits down beside the Pokémon and lets her do her thing.

"You guys are always good at making clothes like this, huh?"

_"Va va..."_

"She's worried about you."

Green looks over at Red, the person he's been trying to ignore for the sake of his own sanity. "Yeah? How do you figure?"

"Tone."

"Ah."

"I'm worried too."

"...right."

Red sits next to Green now. Leavanny continues piling leaves on Green, and he continues to focus on only their rustling and the way the dirt wavers ever so slightly as bits of wind rustle the grass. He focuses on anything else he can possibly focus on. Normally, he would be hellbent on his research, but with even that under scrutiny and at the front of his worries, he can't properly consider it anymore. Everything is slowly coming undone and he doesn't know how to get it back together.

"Green."

No answer. He can't even find his voice right now.

_"Vanny..."_

"Green, look at me."

Green glances over at Red. The air is tense.

"Tell me what's wrong."

"I dunno. Everything."

"That doesn't explain anything well enough for me to do anything about it."

"Stop worrying. It'll be fine." It always is. He always burns himself out eventually, and then he's fine. He'll be fine. He's fine. It's fine. It'll be fine.

"I know it _will_ be fine. I don't wanna wait on it, though."

"Just be patient, for fuck's sake."

_"Van vanny?"_

Green rubs Leavanny's head as if she already were his Pokémon. "It's gonna be okay. I'm just not doing so hot right now."

_"Lea?"_

"I'm just stressed out."

"You're telling a Pokémon more than you're telling me," Red mutters.

"You do that all the fucking time."

"...not all the time."

"You've done it for the past eight years."

"You weren't there..."

"Yeah, 'cause you ran off."

"I wanted to be safe." Red's voice is cracking, and Green forces himself to watch his tone.

"I know. It's not your fault."

"Then s-stop acting like it is!" He's almost crying now, and that breaks Green, too.

"I'm not trying to act like it is! I've felt like it was _my_ fault since the day you left, and that's fucking me up right now, okay?!" Green takes in a shuddering breath, catches his voice in his throat long enough to lower it to a more acceptable volume. "Gramps keeps guilt-tripping me about it, and you're really close with everyone else now, and I dunno what we are anymore, and I just don't wanna lose you."

_I just don't wanna lose you again,_ is the extended version. He doesn't want to lose Red to mountain nor human nor anything else. He's too freaked out to try and keep Red close right now, though, because he's been quite the jackass before, and if Red is happy with everyone else, so be it. He just wants Red to be happy.

Even at the cost of his own happiness, Green wants Red to be happy.

"...I'll stop freaking out after I get some sleep. Just don't - "

Leavanny pulls away when he starts to speak, and Red cuts him off with a tight hug.

"I'm not leaving."

He kinda is, though, the closer he gets to anyone else. It's not like Green wants Red to isolate again, no, it's just that Red has always been _his_ best friend, and seeing him drift has been quietly eating at the back of his mind. If gramps is right about one thing, it's that Red's disappearance was his fault, and to date it seems like Green is the only one who's ever hurt him as painfully as he has. If Red wants to travel around with Green, so fucking be it, but Green can't say he's any good for him. He doesn't deserve Red.

_I don't deserve you._

He sobs once, then he hides his face in the crook of Red's neck, muffling any more sound he can make. This is stupid. This is fucking ridiculous. He shouldn't be getting this bent up over his own nervous thoughts. He hasn't been this uneasy in awhile, he's been able to keep himself preoccupied and away from the lingering thoughts of _Red shouldn't really like me that much anymore_ and _I don't deserve a friend like him after being such a jerk_ and _I don't think I could stop him if he ran away again_ and _why does he even put up with someone like me -_

"Is there anything else upsetting you, Green?"

\- and _I really don't think he could love me if he tried._

"...I guess."

"Tell me."

He will, in a roundabout sort of way. "Do you still like me?"

"Of course I do," Red answers after the briefest pause, but even that millisecond is enough to shake Green to the core.

"Are you sure?"

"I'm positive, Green. Why do you think I follow you around everywhere?"

Green shrugs. "I do stuff for you."

"So does Crys."

"Then why don't you follow her?"

"Because I like you."

"You like her too, though."

Red is quiet for a moment. "It's different."

It is, he supposes. The dynamic Red has with Crystal isn't as deeply rooted in childhood adoration or the pure devotion that comes with scaling a mountain on a weekly basis to keep your best friend safe. It doesn't come with being each other's first for everything, the first friend, first word, first battle, first win and loss and hug and kiss. It doesn't come with moments like these, it doesn't come with being able to spill the heart to the point that it becomes so uneasy and yet so much more steady.

Granted, this may all be one sided, because the first isn't often the best, and he's sure he's not the best for Red.

"I guess."

"Are you jealous of her?"

"Not of her."

"Then who?"

_Everyone._ "No one in particular."

"...Green?"

"Hm?"

"You know you're the only one I talk to this easily, right?"

"I guess." His voice is almost hoarser than Red's right now.

"And this much."

"Right."

"And this comfortably."

"...right."

Red sighs a little. "I can only talk so much before I hit a dead end if you don't talk, too."

"Just..." and god this is going to sound desperate and stupid and weak, "just keep hugging me."

Green finally closes the embrace, wrapping his arms lightly around Red's waist in case he wants to pull away. Of course he's not leaving. Red hasn't left Green's side for more than fifteen minutes since he came back down from Mount Silver. He was always looking back at Green when they were having their own battles at the World Tournament. He could barely keep himself on the opposite end of the arena when they finally matched up against each other. Their hands were clasped when they walked through the electrical pulses of Chargestone Cave and the cold spots of that strange house. No, Red hasn't tried to leave Green. If anything, he's tried to stay even closer. Even after every cruel thing Green has done to Red, he ran into his arms at the base of Mount Silver sobbing apologies into the night, they held each other so close that it was hard to breathe, hell Red wouldn't even let go when they went to get a few hours of sleep before their first day together in far too long. Red isn't leaving.

He should be, though, after years of bullying and belittlement. That's where this fear is coming from.

"I promise I'm not going anywhere without you," Red whispers. Green needs to hear that, but he needs to _believe_ that even more. "Promise."

"I believe you." _I'm going to believe you,_ rather. "I just..."

"Don't say you don't know."

Green's hold on Red tightens a little. "I really don't know, though. I still miss you." That last sentence comes involuntarily, and the sentiment even takes Green off-guard, because he's not entirely sure what he means by that. "I-I don't... know what I mean."

"...did I do something wrong?"

"No, no, I just," and now it clicks, "I'm just scared I'll lose you." To either another mountain peak or to someone who treats him better.

"You won't. I promise."

He needs to believe Red. For the sake of his own sanity, he needs to believe Red. Red isn't really a liar. He hides his struggles sometimes, but he rarely truly lies, and Green can objectively doubt this promise would be a lie, despite what this anxiety is trying to say.

"Thank you, Red." Red hums in response. "I-I'm sorry I - ow!"

_"Vaaa!"_ Leavanny mimics Green's shout.

"Why'd you poke me in the eye with a leaf, buddy?" Green pulls away just enough from Red to see the Pokémon better, who looks shyly down.

_"Vanny..."_

"I told you," Red hums, and he pulls himself closer to Green, "she's worried."

"Yeah, but - " and it's not that Green looks down and realizes he's completely covered in a blanket of leaves and silk.

_"Lea leava?"_ Leavanny tugs at his sleeve and hands a leaf to Green this time. She gestures to the undersides of her eyes, waving her leaf-like hands a bit.

"Oh, that's what you were trying to do, huh?" Green would usually use his sleeve to wipe his eyes, but he decides to accept her gesture. "Thanks, li'l buddy."

_"Va?"_ She points at Red, who's now almost dead weight on Green's shoulder.

"You okay?"

"Mhm."

"...it's not your fault that I kinda had a meltdown, y'know. I just thought about stressful shit too much. I should get back to researching - "

"You know you can't work your feelings into oblivion, Green."

Oh. "I mean, that's kinda what I've been doing..."

"And then this happened."

"...you got me there." Pause. "Are _you_ upset about something?"

"I want you to be happy."

Green's heart skips a beat. "I-I'm okay, I - "

"I want to make you happy."

"Red..."

Red suddenly jolts and throws himself off of Green. "What?"

"...that's really sweet."

Both of them are blushing, but Red is in much worse shape than Green is. "D-Did I... say that out loud?"

"Yeah, kinda." Red whines and hides his face in his hat while Green laughs. "Why are you acting all shy now? You literally kissed me on a ferris wheel, y'know."

"Th-Th-That's different!" Green sighs. How is Red so cute? When did he get so cute?

"Yeah, sure it is. Is it any different than - "

"I'm gonna say _yes_ so you shut up!"

Green smiles and pulls Red back into a hug, just to make sure he won't disappear. "Relax, Red. I'm just teasing you." Pause. "Kinda."

"Kinda?"

"Uh..." _Kinda, but I'm also kinda legitimately flirting with you because I've been meaning to do this since I was fourteen,_ but he can't exactly say that. "I mean, I'm kinda teasing you, but... you... you seriously are really, wildly important to me, okay? Just know that."

Red hugs him again. "You too." Green tries to pull back again, but Red keeps him close, and Leavanny pushes him back into Red's embrace.

"You've been hugging me a lot since you came down, y'know." Or... Or maybe he's been hugging Red a lot?

"I spent two years without hugging you at all."

He feels bad about that, but it does make the embrace so much warmer. Warmer still is the second layer of leaves Leavanny is tacking onto his plant cape.

"You're making me a whole quilt over there, aren't you?" Green asks.

_"Va va!"_ Leavanny adjusts the pile of leaves so it's halfway around Red's shoulders too. _"Leava!"_

"I doubt he'll get cold, though. He's used to subzero temperatures."

_"Lea?!"_

"Yeah, long story." Green tries to pull back enough to look at Red's face, but Red isn't budging. "You're not getting too hot, are you?"

"Mm-mm." He shakes his head.

"...you feel pretty hot, though."

"No I don't."

"You feel hot to me." Probably from the blush on his cheeks.

"Shut up."

"Look at me."

Reluctantly, Red finally pulls away from Green, but he's still hiding the lower half of his face behind his hat. That's a little habit Green has always noticed, this tendency Red has to try to hide his emotions.

"Thanks for putting up with me."

Red hesitates to answer, and he looks away when he finally does. "It's... I'm not really _putting up with you_ if I wanna be here."

"That means a lot more to me than you know."

It's not as brave as Red's gesture earlier this evening, but Green still kisses his forehead. Red makes eye contact with him for all of two seconds before Leavanny coos excitedly, then he's hiding in his hat again.

"You suck."

"Yeah, I know," Green laughs. "You started it."

"Shut up..."

_"Va vanny?"_

"Don't start with that," Red groans.

Green has been wondering this for a little bit. "So do you have the same thing N has with talking to Pokémon?"

"He said he can hear their voices or something. I can just tell what tone is what."

"I see." Pause. "You can come out now, Red."

"Fuck off." Red continues to hide in his hat. If that was supposed to sound aggressive, it's completely negated by that gesture.

"I'm not fucking off without you, you got that?" Red laughs and finally drops his hat away from his face. He missed that laugh. He missed Red, but now Red is here, and Red is going to stay here.

"You have such a way with words," Red quips.

"Hey, I can info-dump about Pokémon stuff for hours on end, don't test me."

"Trust me, I know." Red looks at Leavanny. "If you wanna come with us, you're gonna find that out first hand. You probably won't be able to shut him up if you tried, though."

_"Va, va."_ She sounds amused, even though Green is a little bit annoyed.

"I do research for a living half the time, and the other half of the time, I'm battling. If I wanna just _talk_ about evolution for five hours, I think that's totally justified, right?"

"That's fair." Red is getting his little kitchen back out again. They'll need to get more substantial food in Nimbasa at some point. Maybe breakfast will be cheaper than dinner. "Wasn't there a river somewhere out near the entrance?"

"I think, but we're not going back out and getting lost again."

_"Leava!"_ Leavanny holds her leafs out for the pot. _"Vanny van!"_

"Could you help?" Red hands the pot over to her. "You can have some food, too."

_"Va!"_ With that, she's back off into the forest. She probably won't get lost. From what he's heard, only humans actually get lost out there.

"...we're gonna spend most our trip camping in these grottos, aren't we?" Greek asks.

"I don't care." Red flops down on the ground, and Green lays next to him.

"But - "

"I like being with you."

His heart soars. "Me too."

"You like being with you too?"

"Oh, shut up, Red."

Green would never shut Red's sweet little laugh up, though, never in a million years.

"...you think Leavanny will wanna come with us, Red?"

"She already seems to like you a lot," Red answers, shifting a little closer to Green. "She might be good friends with Audino, too."

Green smiles. "I could make a whole Unovan team at this rate. I already have two fully evolved Pokémon, and Audino can mega-evolve if she gets the chance. You're over here making a ghost team."

Red nuzzles against Green's cheek, his hair familiarly soft. "They're good ghosts."

"Is there such a thing as a good ghost? Your Frillish tried to drown me."

"She just wants to be your friend."

"And she does this by trying to drown me?" Green wraps his arm around Red as best he can while laying on the forest floor.

"She just wanted to play," Red insists. "Or she thought you were acting like prey, if N was right."

"In which case, she was gonna kill me."

"She won't. I wouldn't let anything bad happen to you."

Green doesn't have a proper answer for that. He just lets the moment carry on. Red is here, and so is Green, and this is all he needs right now.

_"Leava!"_

Well, that and food. He almost loses his appetite when Red pulls away to start cooking.

"Hey Red?" He needs to get him back. Red isn't going anywhere, no, but Green needs him to come back.

"Hm?"

"Lemme swap that dinner bet for a breakfast, is that fair?"

Red laughs a little. "Yeah, that's close enough."

"How 'bout you, Leavanny?" Green asks the Pokémon. "You wanna come with Red and I?"

She practically throws herself onto Green. _"Leavanny!"_

Green smirks at Red a little. "Now we both have two Unova Pokémon. I'm gonna have more than you before y'know it."

"Oh, you're on."

He's never liked sleeping on the ground, but Green would trade his bed for these moments at any turn.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey i'm back from the "prepare for college" void for now with a hurt/comfort update! hooray!  
> is Green good at overthinking things? yes! is that a good skill to have? not when it makes you think your best friend is better off without you! Professor Oak isn't helping at all and now Green is probably gonna be a little bit clingier than usual because he refuses to lose his ~~boy~~ best friend ever again   
>  i always thought Leavanny would be kinda like a mom friend with how they make clothes for other Pokémon, and this Leavanny seems to combat any unease by covering people in leaves. does that work? it would for me at least lmao


	33. wander, wander, come with me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> N loves his friends, he loves them very much. He wonders why he ever left them behind, in fact.

He's very happy to be back here.

It's been ages since N actually visited Lostlorn Forest, but he always did love it out here. He spent quite a bit of time among the trees while he was waiting for Touya to catch up, back when they were still seeking their truth and ideals and their respective dragons. He remembers it always being such a beautiful place, and he particularly remembers Zoroark loving the forest out here. N has to wonder where he went after he left Unova _again,_ and it pains him to admit that he left his friend behind _twice,_ now. At least he got to see Ferrothorn again. Maybe he can try to visit some friends in the Desert Ruins, too.

"Do you even know where we're going?" Touya asks suddenly, and it's now that N looks up to see they're surrounded by trees.

"Um..." He glances around for any notable landmarks. "Not quite yet. I'll find our way back out, though. I spent a lot of time here before."

"Y-Yeah, but people get lost in here a lot," Touya insists. "I-I just don't wanna be lost out here, e-especially when it starts getting dark..."

N squeezes Touya's hand in his own. "It'll be okay, I promise. It's only an hour past noon, and the days are getting longer as we're getting closer to summer, right?"

"I-I guess..." Touya still looks around suspiciously. "I don't really recognize anything, though."

"That's part of the magic of forests, isn't it?" N smiles. "If it gets too late, we can always ride out with Reshiram and Zekrom."

Touya gives him a crooked smile. "I-I don't think we should take them out just to get out of the forest. Isn't that a little much?"

"Well, worrying about how to get out of here is also 'a little much,'" N huffs, though Touya laughs. "I promise we'll be just fine. Just trust me, Touya, okay?"

"Alright, alright. You're the nature expert, after all."

"You have your ways with nature, too," N hums. "That's how you have such a strong bond with your Pokémon."

Touya looks a bit sheepish, this cute expression that N is coming to really adore. "I-I guess..."

"Why do you always get so nervous when someone compliments you?"

"Because I'm not used to it, I-I guess. I'm more accustomed to like... I dunno, j-just kinda skating through life." That's fair. Touya has always been very unassuming. "H-How did we even get this deep in the woods? I-I didn't think the forest was this dense..."

"It has its clearings, but Lostlorn Forest can be very dense," N explains. "Often, the reason people get lost is because they assume the forest is much smaller than it actually is. When they reach another clearing, they assume it has to be the way they came in, and when it's not, they find themselves turned around. I think that's what happens to them, anyway."

"I-I think someone said there's supposed to be an illusory Pokémon in here, too," Touya adds. "Maybe there's a Zoroark around."

There's that name again, Zoroark. N wonders if maybe his friend could have found his way out here and set up camp. N raised him ever since he was a Zorua, and while he lived in the castle with N all his life, he took to the forest the moment they visited it. He knows Ferrothorn stayed right where he found him in Chargestone Cave, but he's not sure if Zoroark would have stayed in the castle ruins or not.

They come across a clearing in the trees, but N doesn't recognize anything in it. The sun glows brightly and slightly from the west.

"Do you know which way Nimbasa City is, Touya?"

Touya gives him a confused look. "I don't even know where we are."

"Well, was it east or west of here?"

"Kinda south-west, I think, but - "

"Then we'll go this way," N declares, taking Touya's hand and leading him back into the woods. "I know you're feeling uneasy about being out too late."

"I-I don't - w-we don't need to leave if you wanted to stay for awhile," Touya stammers, "I-I just wanted to make we know where we are."

"We'll know when we get back towards the entrance. Besides, there was a small cliffside I wanted to explore up there, too. I never got around to climbing it."

"Right."

Touya's grip on N's hand tightens, not enough to bother him, but just enough to call his attention. "Is something wrong?"

"I-I'm just... thinking," Touya answers vaguely at first.

"About what?"

"J-Just stuff. I-I don't... I dunno. I-I've been gone for so long that it feels weird trying to settle back down, y-y'know? So I'm just... a little lost, I think."

Either Touya feels nervous talking about this, or he's making it up on the fly. N had to struggle through a moment where he didn't feel like he could admit he was being introspective about the person walking next to him, and so he had to distract himself with thoughts of other people while he tried to figure out how he feels about Touya.

It's not that N is denying that he loves Touya, no. It's that he's not sure what love really is, or how he would know if he happened to be _in_ love. He assumed he was before, but he doesn't have much to base this theory on. He loves Pokémon, and he loves his sisters, being the only real family he had. As for Touya... he's something else altogether, he's something new that makes N's heart race and odd times for seemingly no reason. Even just his laugh can make N feel like there's butterflies in his stomach, but he still doesn't understand why he would be nervous around someone he cares so deeply about. Again, that seems to be characteristic of a crush, but it still seem so odd.

He thinks about Touya's description of love once again. Touya's laugh and sheepish blush and tidbits about his childhood are the little moments N sees in him, those are the moments when N realizes that the feelings he has for Touya are unprecedented, entirely new. N definitely doesn't want Touya to get hurt, of course, so if that's another quality of love, he can check that off the list. He wonders if maybe Red or Green have any more of a clue about these feelings than he does. It could be nice to get some more input...

Another clearing. N looks up at the sky and continues on in the direction they've been going.

"...are you using the sun to navigate?" Touya asks.

"Of course. I didn't exactly have a map when I was asked to seek out Reshiram," he grins. "I navigated the region by asking which way the next city was and following the sun and stars. I mostly navigated like this, though. I'm... not very good at talking to others."

"Of course you are," Touya counters. "You were talking my mom's ear off when we were in Nuvema Town."

"That's - "

"And you actually kinda got Red to talk on Mount Silver, right? That's an accomplishment."

"I suppose."

"You talk to me all the time."

"Well, that's different." N pauses, gathering the right words. "You accepted me when no one else did. Even when I told you that I intended to separate Pokémon from people, you didn't immediately disagree with me. It's difficult to interact with people who's values clash wildly with yours, but even though you were a Pokémon trainer, you didn't tell me I was wrong."

"Well, you weren't all wrong," Touya says, and N feels a bit of a flutter again, a bit of sickness and health all at once. "You didn't say you were just breaking up trainers and Pokémon, y-you said you wanted to _save_ Pokémon, a-and even if that meant separating them from us... I-I mean, it's kinda hard to fault someone who wants to protect others, e-even if their actions are kinda dubious."

N looks over at Touya while he speaks, watches the rays of sun glint of his hair in the special way that it does - or maybe that's just these rose-tinted lenses N is seeing Touya through, maybe it's this enamored haze. Either way, his words are comforting.

"It's very nice to hear you say that," N answers at last. "I didn't want to hurt anyone."

"I know. It wasn't your fault that anyone got hurt."

N spins one of the rings on his necklace. "I still feel like... somehow it was."

Touya shakes his head. "Your heart was in the right place. Y-You didn't even really harm anyone. It was... other people intentionally made bad decisions, a-and you were trying to do what was right. That's why I've been working to pardon you, a-and the other members who were following your orders." Pause. "I-I guess we shouldn't be talking about this. I-I know it's not fun."

"It's not, but you make it easier." N grips his hand a little tighter. "You have a very easy tone when you talk about these things. You don't throw criticism and doubt at every turn. I think that makes you very easy to talk to, in fact," N adds. "It's much easier speaking to someone who wants to understand you from the heart."

N looks over and notices Touya blushing again. "R-Right."

"I can continue complimenting you, but you look like you have a fever."

"Th-Th-That's okay, really, th-thank you."

N can't help but laugh. "You really never will get used to this, will you?"

Touya sighs. "N-No, probably not. I-I dunno how Red deals with as much recognition as he gets if I can barely handle my friends saying nice stuff about me."

"By living on a mountain, apparently."

"Not the best coping mechanism, though." Touya looks up at the sky. "How do you actually tell where we're going?"

"Well, the sun is slightly westward at the moment, so we're moving roughly west and south."

"How do you know which way is south, though?"

"Well, south is left of west."

"Left of..." No, he's not getting this at all.

"Stop here for a moment."

"What?"

N moves around behind Touya and takes his right hand in his own, aiming around the sky. "See, this way is west. From when we woke up to about now, midday has already passed, so we know the sun is setting in some hours, and the sun sets to the west. This is your right hand - and if you point to your left, this is south. And see how the sun is slightly off-center? The sun shifts slightly north in the summertime. We're walking in the direction the sun is moving to head west, and veering slightly away from it to move south. Does that make sense?"

"...y-yeah."

Touya looks like he has a fever right about now. "Are you sick?"

"N-No, no, I-I'm okay." Why does he sound nervous? N know sometimes he gets a little shy, but he just looks like he's burning up.

"Are you sure?" N wraps his hand around to feel Touya's forehead with the back of his hand. "You feel warm."

"Y-Y-Yeah, uh, I-I'm just, i-it's kinda hot out here, th-that's all."

"Are you sure? You seemed a little ill when we were heading back toward Undella Town, too." N turns Touya around and holds his face gingerly in his hand. "Did you not get enough to eat? Would you like to go back to Nimbasa City and have an early dinner?"

"Th-That... sounds like a good idea."

"You should take your jacket off, too, or at least unzip it," and for some reason Touya almost jumps at the suggestion. "That should help you cool down."

"R...Right."

Touya unzips his jacket about halfway before something rustles loudly from the trees ahead of them. Touya practically jumps away from N at the sound. 

_N?_

Is that -

_N!_

_"Zoroark!"_

Zoroark practically leaps into N's open arms, radiating happiness at finally seeing his friend after years of separation. Distance makes a Pokémon's heart grow fonder too, it seems.

"There you are!" N cheers. "I was just wondering about you! What are you doing out here? Have you made any new friends?"

_Missed you!_ Zoroark purrs and nuzzles his face against N's neck.

"I've missed you too," he hums and hugs the fox close. "I'm sorry I've been gone for so long. I'm glad to see you're doing well, though!"

_Better, now that you're here,_ he barks, then runs over to Touya. _Hey, you!_

"Gah!" Zoroark is awfully fast, N has to admit. He's not surprised he startled Touya.

"Zoro, be nice! Touya is my friend!"

_"Zorrro?"_ _Where've you been?_

"Uh..." Oh, right, Touya can't hear Pokémon's voices the way N can.

"He wants to know where you've been," N translates.

"I-I um, I-I was... looking for N..." Touya clutches the strap on his bag tightly. N hopes he's not scared of Zoroark...

_"Arr."_ Zoroark nods, seemingly satisfied with that explanation. _"Zorro zo?"_

"We just came back to visit," N answers. "I've been meaning to come back here, after all. I know you like it here too."

_"Ro!"_

N looks over at Touya, who still looks a little shell-shocked. "Should we continue?"

"Uh... yeah."

N carries on happier than ever, with Zoroark on his left and Touya on his right. The forest seems a little bit brighter somehow, or maybe it's just this pleasant mood he's in that makes the world feel sunnier. It really has been forever since he's been able to just spend some quiet time with his Pokémon. He and Zoroark wouldn't always have the best time in the castle, and when they began traveling through Unova (though he never let Zoroark fight, not until it seemed absolutely necessary), much of their time was spent on... other endeavors, rather than finding peaceful moments like these. He loves having these moments with Touya, too, where they can just exist together and be calm and safe and truly _happy_.

_"Roa ark?" Where did he find you?,_ Zoroark asks after a few quiet minutes of traveling.

"I was visiting Mount Silver in the Kanto-Johto area, but I, um, slipped and fell a little." Yeah, that's not an under-exaggeration at all. "A friend of Touya's found me there and helped us reconnect."

_"Rooo rroark?" Didn't find you on his own?_

"Well, the world isn't as it seems sometimes," N shrugs.

_"Zo."_ _True._ Zoroark hugs N's arm and purrs contently.

"I'm happy to have found you here," N hums, then holds Touya's hand with his free arm, "and you, too. This is a wonderful way to spend an afternoon."

"E-Even though we almost got a little lost?" Touya asks, then adds, "Actually, we didn't get that lost. You're really good at navigating."

N smiles happily. "Why, thank you. I find it's a very useful skill to have. I'd be happy to teach you how to navigate by starlight too, if you were ever interested."

Touya laughs a little. "You can try, but I could barely understand one star, let alone a whole sky."

"Oh, it's not so bad once you get used to it. I can make you a star chart, if you want! That should make it easier - oh, but that wouldn't help if we went south of the equator, but I could make another one if we travel down there. It's amazing how much the sky can change across the world, really! Even though we have the saying that everyone is always looking at the same sky, but that's only partially true. The constellations and meteor showers we can see vary wildly across the globe, but it all happens in the same universe surrounding us..." N sighs dreamily. "Space is wonderful. I wish I had more time to learn more about it."

"We have plenty of time, actually," Touya notes. "Now that we're not running all over the world, we can kinda settle down a bit, right?"

The realization hits N hard, not in a bad way, but with a very sudden, almost comforting weight, the kind of force that comes with a tackle and a hug mixed together. "Oh. I almost forgot about that," N answers. "I was just happy to be spending time with you."

Touya squeezes N's hand a little. "Me too. I'm glad you're back."

"It's nice to be back, really," N nods. "I'm glad we're - "

_"Zorro!"_

They've reached the clearing that leads back out of the forest. Zoroark is tugging N along now.

"What is it?"

Zoroark gestures to the very cliff N was hoping to visit. _"Zo ark!" We need to go up there!_

"What's up there?" N asks, but Zoroark only growls impatiently. "I'm not sure how we can get to the top..."

"I-I can see if Samurott can bring us up, if you want." Before Touya even finishes talking, Zoroark is clambering up the rocky wall, and in no time he's staring maybe thirty feet down on them.

_"Zo!"_ _Come on!_

N looks at Touya. "Can Samurott carry both of us?"

"I don't think so, but he can make a second trip." Touya releases Samurott out next to the river. "Hey, buddy. Can you get us up there for a minute?"

_"Sam!"_ Samurott slides into the water.

"N, y-you can go first, since Zoroark seems eager to get you up there."

N climbs onto the otter's back and lets him rush up the roaring waterfall, swimming with swift, even movements. Touya really has trained him well to make the ride this smooth, N thinks. Touya is an incredible trainer, so that comes as no surprise.

"Thank you, Samurott," N hops off Samurott's back and onto the grass. "You're a wonderful friend, you know."

_"Samurr." So are you._ With that, he takes off to get Touya.

"What did you want to show me?" N asks as he catches up to Zoroark.

_This._

"What is...?"

Oh.

There's an old, broken pokéball laying in the grass, covered in scratches, the paint starting to chip and fade from what must have been years of exposure to the elements. It's not like this is the only pokéball in the world to be this weathered, but N can just sense he recognizes this one, he can almost feel its weight in his hand from when he was given it as a child.

"You kept it after all these years?" N asks slowly, cautiously. It's not like this pokéball can ever be used again, no. Once a Pokémon is released, the ball is out of commission, and that's the end of it. There would be no logical reason to hold onto it.

_Reminded me of you,_ Zoroark hums. N can faintly hear Touya come up behind them, but his mind is elsewhere for now.

"I see."

_"Zoro."_ _I miss you._ Not _missed,_ but _miss,_ the present tense for a word that encompasses the dull agony N has been feeling in the depths of his heart as he ran around the world, hiding from his past, hiding from his friends...

"...I'm glad you found me."

_"Zorr zorr!" Don't avoid the subject!_ Zoroark picks up the pokéball and puts it in N's hands. _"Zoroark!"_

_I want to come with you._

N looks at the open capsule, the mirrors inside reflecting the sun's rays like twinkling starlight. He knows this pokéball, he knows this Pokémon, he knows this bond that he walked away from all too well. Pokémon should be free, is what he was taught, and he doesn't even like keeping Reshiram confined, and yet... What's worse? Is it cruel to keep a living creature in confinement until the trainer can spare a moment to let them see the sun? Is it worse to leave a friend behind after forming such a special bond with their trainer?

_"Zorro..."_ _Please..._

N's vision is getting blurry. "I'm surprised you kept this all these years."

_"Zoro zoroark."_ _Didn't have you anymore._

N lets his tears silently fall into the open pokéball. "I'm sorry."

_"Zo."_ _N._ No answer. _"Zo!"_

"Yes?"

Zoroark paws at the pokéball, then looks at N pleadingly, a gaze that N can only see out of his peripheral vision as he looks down, but he feels the emotions surging from Zoroark and into him - or perhaps some part of him is pleading with himself, begging to bring Zoroark with him, because it would be even more inhumane to abandon his friend _again._

If there's something N has learned recently, it's that loneliness is never worth it.

"Touya." He came back for Touya, after all.

"Yeah?" And Zoroark came back for N, now.

"Do you have a pokéball I could use?" Touya was overjoyed when he found N.

"Y-Yeah, lemme grab one." And Touya would have been devastated if N left again.

"Thank you." He senses that Zoroark would feel that kind of heartache if he left now.

"...here." Is this okay, though?

"Are you sure, Zoroark?" Of course it's okay. He's just traveling with a friend.

_"Zoroark!"_ He's reunited with his childhood friend. Why would he turn away now?

The red light envelops Zoroark when he presses his claw to the button of the pokéball, and just like that, he's gone - no, not gone, Zoroark is right here in N's hand, in this mysterious capsule created to capture Pokémon. This... this feels strange. It's one thing to be given a Pokémon already in confinement, it's one thing to hold a pokéball for the first time as a child, to be given his own Pokémon captured by someone else, but to be a part of this moment... It's foreign, it's downright bizarre for N to be holding the pokéball that just captured Zoroark for him to keep safe now and forever and _always._

"Are you alright, N?" Touya whispers. It's only now that N realizes he's smiling a little, still crying, but smiling.

"I'm not sure."

"You know, you can let Zoroark walk with us, i-if that would make you feel any better," Touya offers. "Sometimes I like to let my Pokémon walk around with me, j-just to get some time out, you know? I kinda think of a pokéball as a safe place to keep them when it's too crowded or too dangerous to have them with me. That's why Reshiram and Zekrom are in their pokéballs, too. I-It's safer for them." Pause. "B-But it's safe to let Zoroark out now. I-I dunno if any restaurants in Nimbasa let Pokémon out of their balls unless they're service Pokémon, b-but... N, are you okay?"

He's not _okay._ There's not any words that can describe this feeling. It's overwhelming, but _wonderfully_ so, it's so much more than pure delight but he can't find a word that's strong enough to describe this almost euphoric release. He's spent his life thinking he would have to leave his friends behind forever for them to become perfect beings, but the way Zoroark gingerly entrusted himself to N, the willingness he had to stay by his side, N has to believe that maybe Pokémon are already perfect. He was too blind to see it before, and while he can't see the world through his overjoyed tears, he can see the truth more clearly now than ever. This is okay, it's okay, he can keep his friends and the idea of never saying _farewell_ to them again is so liberating, it's a release N didn't know he needed until now.

"N..."

Touya finally catches N's attention when he tilts his face up enough to make eye contact. "Hi."

"Hey." Touya's voice is soft, neutral, caring and genuine and _perfect._ "Are you feeling okay?"

N's smile says it all, though. "I couldn't be better."

For this moment, N stops trying to understand his feelings and simply lets them keep him warm.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> two upates? in one day??? yes bc i've been gone for awhile and have been trying to update daly but that's not gonna happen anymore ;u; tldr for this chapter;  
> >N: here let me enter your personal space and touch your face and tell you to take off your jacket  
> >Touya: [internal screaming]  
> >N: also this is my Zoroark and friend i love him!  
> >Touya: [is already kinda dead]  
> this got a little bit longer than i expected this chapter to be, but i needed some fluff for these two though, and also N finding his Zoroark again! i remember being able to meet his Zoroark in bw2 and just being like ;A; because he releases all his pokémon eventually but also that means he's losing like a childhood friend??? i'm crying in the club hdkfgsj (also Zoroark may or may not be a little overprotective of N and therefore wary/jealous of Touya so we'll see how that pans out lol)


	34. higher, higher, your heart is soaring

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> N has a lot of feelings about Touya that he's trying to sort out. He just wants to spend as much time with him as he can for now.

The city is busier than he remembers.

Nimbasa City holds a special place in N's heart, both for the surrounding areas and the attractions within. Lostlorn Forest is a wonderful place with wonderful memories, with today's events being a new recollection to keep close to heart. The Desert Resort is also special to him, in its own way. There wasn't one particular incident there that he recalls, but he does remember enjoying the area, gathering Pokémon to help him battle against his opposing hero outside the ferris wheel. There's that ferris wheel, of course, a harmonic creation to soar high above the trees with perfect formulas and mechanics. That was the first time he realized how close he was to Touya, in fact, sitting in a carriage above the world, and the words _I am the king of Team Plasma_ didn't garner even a bat of Touya's eye. He simply listened and understood in the way only he can.

The only thing N is a little nervous about here is the crowds.

"Are you still there?" Touya calls back, walking a little ahead of N. He rushes to catch up to him.

"I-I'm here, yes." Physically, yes, but mentally he's a little outside of himself. There's too much going on, and he just wants to step away for a moment and gather himself. Whenever N would go into a city before, he would always ready himself and script his words and motions before actually having to fall in line with the crowds. He avoided Castelia City as often as possible because of all the commotion there, a world where there's so many variables that he can't possibly be prepared for every one. More often than not anymore, N fears that one misstep could be his undoing, that the universe will turn on him and he'll be in a world of trouble. It's not likely that he'll get into _that_ much trouble, but the thought still worries him.

"Hey, this way."

N looks up to see Touya has veered off toward the edge of the street, and N rushes to catch up to him again. Is it okay to hold his hand just so he doesn't get lost?

"I forgot this place gets kinda busy," Touya sighs a bit. "I-I think it's early enough in the evening that the park might not be swamped, though. I think most people are going to get dinner right now."

"Can we go on the ferris wheel, then?" N asks maybe a bit too eagerly. Touya is at least amused, laughing sweetly.

"No, what makes you think we'd do that?"

"Be careful with your sarcasm, Touya. I might not catch it as easily as I just did."

Touya pulls N along by the wrist, holding just tight enough so that he won't lose him. "Really? I-I always kinda thought you were good with social cues."

N can't help but laugh. "I'm nothing if not a bit clueless, Touya."

"If you say so," but it sounds like Touya definitely doesn't believe that. "Come on, I-I think it's - "

" - this way!" N pulls Touya along, now. "I remember this place very vividly. This is where I got to go on the ferris wheel with you for the first time."

"I-It's been awhile, huh?" Touya follows N along the road down toward the ferris wheel, peeking up just beyond the buildings.

"Far too long," N nods. "I'm eager to go back."

"I-I could kinda guess that," Touya grins. "L-Lemme know when you wanna turn in for the night, though, o-okay? We can probably stay at the Pokémon Center if it's just the two of us, instead of a whole group. R-Remind me to check in on Nate tonight, though."

"Of course! We could also go back out to Lostlorn Forest," N offers. "It would be nice to stay out under the stars again."

"Whatever you want."

"...unless you're getting tired of camping out," N adds a bit nervously. "I-I bet you spent a lot of time outside when I was gone..."

Touya shrugs. "I-I'm fine either way, honestly. I spent a lot of time in Pokémon Centers, too. What do you want to do? We'll do whatever makes you happy."

Is that another quality of love? Is it love to want to make others happy, or is that just a side effect and an otherwise independent sentiment? N truly just wants to know how Touya feels about him at this point. He's been dwelling on this for awhile since they reunited, since Touya was laying as close to him as possible under some blankets on a mountain, holding onto him as if he could disappear in an instant. Their hands have been so magnetically drawn to each other, but is that a matter of the time they've spent apart, or is there something else there? If N can concretely determine he loves Touya, could he determine if Touya feels the same way? Is he solving this formula, or is it doomed to divide by zero, is this doomed to fail at the hands of a missing reciprocity? Should he ask, should he tell, or should he just keep what he's been given? Is the potential gain worth the potential loss?

"N?"

"I think camping would be nice," N answers Touya's previous question.

"R-Right." Pause. "A-Are you doing okay? You got really quiet all of the sudden."

"I was debating on what to do," which is more of a lie than not, unfortunately. His mind is obviously elsewhere. He feels like he _has_ to love Touya, there's no other reasonable explanation for this feeling, but he has no idea what to make of Touya's feelings for him. As far as he can tell, Touya is his closest friend, but _just_ a friend. He thinks Red and Green must have the same kind of relationship, so, so close, but for N, it isn't close enough. He almost feels selfish, wanting more from Touya when he doesn't seem to want more from N. If he were to tell Touya that he thinks he's in love with him, and if Touya doesn't feel the same, could they at least be friends? He doesn't want to lose Touya, not in a million years, even if that means this distance between their hearts can never be closed. On the other hand, there's a chance Touya could reciprocate, in which case N is equally unsure of what he would do.

The sound of carnival games and chattering people brings N back to the present moment. He thinks he should let go of Touya's hand now.

"Have you visited since we were here last?" N asks, trying to focus his attention away from his heart.

"N-Not really, no," Touya answers, putting his hands in his sweater pockets. "I-I came by when I was looking for you at first, b-but I haven't been here since. I-I should visit Elesa at some point, though. She's really nice."

"I don't think I've ever met her."

"Oh, she's cool. She's a model and a gym leader, a-and she even does her own fashion design stuff on the side. She's busy most of the time, b-but I got to talk to her when she some downtime once. Sh-She's just really down to earth, you know? Battling with her is fun, too."

"Right." N is fairly sure he's not near as easy to talk to, unfortunately. He can say quite a bit, but unless it's Touya - well, he and Touya already had this conversation. It seems like he's at least pretty good at talking to people, but that doesn't mean it _feels_ like it's easy. N always feels like he's walking on thin ice, like he needs to practice before he speaks, and unfortunately he hasn't really had the chance to do that as of late. He's been managing, sure, but he feels like he keeps backpedaling more than he should. Then again, maybe part of that is because Touya keeps catching him when N is thinking about him -

"I-It's alright," Touya almost whispers. "You don't have to say much if you don't want to talk. I-I just wanted to check in, a-at least."

As if on cue. "I just..." Yeah, no, there's no excuse. "I feel a little light-headed."

"Oh, maybe you need water," and Touya is already digging through his bag while the ferris wheel empties out cart by cart. "You can get dizzy pretty easily if you're dehydrated."

Touya hands the water bottle to N, and despite the fact that he doesn't think that's the problem, N takes a few sips anyway. "You're always prepared for everything, aren't you?"

Touya laughs a little. "You kinda have to be when you're a Pokémon trainer, e-especially when you're traveling around the world."

Traveling in search of someone who ran away for three years, at that. "I see."

"...is everything okay?"

The last cart empties out, and N wordlessly pulls Touya onto the ferris wheel, sitting across from him like they did three years ago, when Touya was more timid and N was a lot more foolish. "There's just a lot on my mind."

Touya nods softly. "Is this about Zoroark?"

"Not exactly - well, in a way." N feels his heartbeat pick up. "I'm happy to have him with me. It's been far too long since I've seen him. I guess I'm just thinking about how much things have changed over time." That's a bit of a lie. "I want to visit the Desert Ruins again sometime soon, but I heard they were working on construction near there, and I'm a bit worried about the ecosystem."

"From what Cheren told me in Nuvema, I-I think it's fine. They have laws about working that close to natural ecosystems, after all, s-so I doubt anyone got hurt."

N nods a little. "I wonder if I can find anyone else there. I miss my friends." Pause. "And I do love them." A longer pause, because this is harder to say, this is scary and it catches in his chest and swirls itself into something else. "Touya, what do you think of me?"

Touya jolts, and immediately N feels guilty for having made him nervous. "I-I, um, I think you're one of my closest friends, a-and I, um, I-I really admire how you... I-I guess, um..."

"I didn't mean to make you uneasy," N mumbles, and the ferris wheel jolts this time and starts its ascent. "I was just curious."

"I care a lot about you, N." That makes his heart stop for a moment. "I admire how much Pokémon mean to you, a-and how much you care about the world as a whole. It's kinda... I feel like it's hard to find people who care so unabashedly about things anymore. Sometimes it's hard to be kind when the world can be kinda a harsh place to live in, b-but you make it look so easy, a-and I think that's wonderful. I-I try to be nice whenever I can, b-but that only really works with my friends. You're just... you know. You're you."

N feels the heat rising to his cheeks as they rise into the sky. "Oh."

"Now you're the one who can't take a compliment, huh?"

N laughs and hides his blushing face in his hand. "Oh, hush."

"I guess we can call it even now, huh?"

"For now." N looks out the window now, watching as they get closer and closer to the clouds overhead. "We could stay in one of the Centers tonight, if it's going to rain."

Touya nods. "I-I didn't wanna disappoint you, b-but I kinda had a feeling it was gonna get stormy soon. We should probably find Red and Green before it gets too late. I-I think we can grab a room for the four of us for the night."

"Do they have rooms with four beds?"

"Yeah, they have up to eight beds in a room, f-for when it gets busy. I know they also have rooms with two large beds, b-but I've never been in them before, since I've," and Touya pauses for a moment as he realizes what N is also realizing, "I've always traveled alone."

"But now we're traveling together," N almost whispers, as if he could wake himself up from this moment, as if it's a dream.

"Yeah." Pause. "I'm really glad."

"I am, too."

The rest of their time on the ferris wheel is spent in relative silence. The only thing that breaks the silence is N's hand reaching for Touya's, and he reciprocates almost immediately, naturally, as if this is how it's meant to be. Is this love, or is this just friendship? The trouble is that N hasn't had a friend nor a crush the way he has Touya, and because Touya says he loves his friends, that only makes it harder for him to determine if this is the kind of love he wants it to be. He can't tell if the dizziness in his head is from dehydration or the slight swing of the ferris wheel or his own swirling thoughts about Touya. Maybe it's all of that combined.

"Was there anything else you wanted to do while we're here, N?"

"I wanted to tell you something."

"Yeah?"

 _I love you_ is the phrase that comes to mind and practically paralyzes N because _no no no I'm definitely not ready to tell him that yet -_ "W-Well, something I wanted to ask. You, um," N backtracks through his memory for anything he can use, "you aren't scared of Zoroark, are you?"

Touya looks a little concerned. "I-I mean, he kinda seems protective of you, th-that's why I was a little nervous. I just didn't want him to get mad at me or anything."

"If you're worried about that, we can just talk to him about it," N answers, punctuating his words by squeezing Touya's hand.

"I-I mean, I might be overreacting, b-but..."

"It's okay, Touya. I want to make sure you feel safe."

There's a glow of recognition in Touya's smile, and N wonders if maybe he can tell what he's getting at, that both of them want to protect the ones they love. "Th-Thank you, N."

"Of course." The ferris wheel finally lowers itself down, and they step back out into the humid summer air, the clouds threatening to burst at any moment. Before N can offer a _by the way, I love you,_ Touya's phone rings. Maybe this is the world's way of telling N it's too soon, or that it'll never be the right time.

"H-Hey, what's up?" Pause. "Yeah, we're by the ferris wheel. I-I thought N said you were in town, right? ...right, right. We just got out of Lostlorn Forest earlier this afternoon. N found his old Zoroark, too. H-He's gonna be traveling with us, now. ...oh, a Leavanny? Yeah, they're a wonderful species. Mine has always been really doting to me, e-especially when I get anxious. ...no, we're still by the park," and now Touya tugs N's hand and leads him off to the side. "I was gonna try and find Elesa to see if we could catch up a bit, b-but I dunno if - ...oh, right now? Sheesh. O-Okay, uh, w-where do you wanna meet up? Do you wanna just meet a the Pokémon Center lobby? ...okay. W-Well, uh, l-lemme know if you need help with that, okay? I'll - ...gotcha. We'll see you soon."

"Who was that?" N asks, almost a little too sharply for his liking, because he feels a little annoyed that Touya's attention was elsewhere when N has been looking at only him all day long.

"That was Green. H-He said it's supposed to storm in another half an hour, s-so we should get to the Pokémon Center soon."

"...do we have time to go on the ferris wheel one more time?" Just one more time. One little jealous gesture can't kill him.

Touya laughs a little. "Yeah, why not?"

N practically drags Touya back to the ferris wheel, running even through the thick air. N sits a little closer to the edge of his seat this time, to be a little closer to Touya.

"I didn't mean to be so abrupt, but I've missed this ferris wheel," N hums, trying to sound especially sweet. "I've been thinking about coming back here while I was traveling, but I wanted to come back with _you_."

Touya blushes a bit. "Y-You still could've come by if you wanted."

"I almost did once," N admits, "but it wasn't the same."

Touya shrinks in on himself a bit, shy but seemingly happy. "Well, I-I'm glad we're here now."

"I am, too." N looks out the window, trying to gather his thoughts, but he really has no idea what to do from here. He's in love with Touya to the point that he's getting jealous of people he's good friends with, for heaven's sake. This is ridiculous. This is weird and unusual and _I can't handle this on his own -_

[Green hello i need some advice]

"Y'know," Touya starts, "I-I doubt it's a good idea to be in a ferris wheel during an actual thunderstorm or something, b-but it'd be kinda cool to see what that looks like."

"Thunderstorms look beautiful from above," N nods. "I was able to look down on one from a large mountain in the Alola region when I visited there. I'd like to take you there sometime, too. I didn't spend very much time there myself."

{whats up}

[i don't know when i realized it but i think i have a crush on Touya and i don't know what to do, do you have any advice? ( > <) ]

There's a couple little droplets of water on the glass on Touya's side of the carriage. "Whoops. Guess the rain came faster than we expected."

"We can still make it back, right?"

Touya nods. "Yeah. It wouldn't be the first time I got rained on. It seems kinda light right now, at least."

{yeah love does that to you}

[aaaaaaa how did this happen though ;A;]

{idk. you try an experimental kiss one time on a mountain and suddenly it hits you like an avalanche.}

Wait... [have you kissed Red before?]

N takes in the scenery and the feeling of Touya's hand in his until they reach the bottom, and it's only then that Green actually replies. {don't say *anything.*}

Well then. It looks like Green is just as lost as N is.

{look just uh. idk. just feel out the atmosphere i guess. if the moment feels right maybe you can tell him or smth.}

[okay i'll try that, thank you >//<]

{godspeed}

"What's up?"

N jumps a little. "N-Nothing, nothing. I was just making sure Green and Red were making it back okay."

"Yeah, I-I guess we oughta catch up with them." N's heart flutters unnaturally when Touya takes his hand this time. "C'mon, I don't want you to get rained on and get sick."

 _I wouldn't mind, as long as I'm with you,_ but N can't find the courage to say that just yet.

The rain is starting to come down a little harder than a mist, but it's not enough to make either of them get sick and cold just yet. The Pokémon Center is probably a fifteen minute walk from here, but at the pace they're jogging at, they should be able to make it in ten. At least if the clouds open up, N has a reason to curl up next to Touya for warmth, but he'd probably be too annoyed at N for making them get rained on at all. He doesn't ever want to make Touya mad, never in a million years, but...

"N, this way!"

Touya tugs N across the street, and they finally slow to a stop once they find themselves under a bus stop just outside the park. They both take the moment to catch their breath just as the bus pulls up.

"Perfect timing, huh?" Touya smiles at him.

"Very much so." Pause. "You're not mad at me, right?"

"Why would I be?" Touya asks, and he sounds so genuinely perplexed that N feels a little more steady.

"I was worried you were annoyed that I made us stay out longer..."

"Well, you don't control the weather, do you?" He leads N into the vehicle.

"I suppose not."

"Don't worry about it, okay? It's alright."

N debates on whether he can hold Touya's hand in a crowded bus or not, but before he can even decide on what to do (not that he _wouldn't_ spend five minutes deliberating), they're at the Pokémon Center. N follows Touya off the bus and into the lobby of the building, slipping in just as a roar of thunder rolls through.

"Are you sure you don't want to watch a lightning storm from the ferris wheel?" N jokes.

"Yeah, pretty sure. I don't want you to get hurt."

A quality of love, perhaps, or perhaps the misinterpretation of a hopeless romantic. "You're very sweet, Touya."

He blushes just a bit, or maybe he's a little chilly from the rain. "Oh, please. I'm just - "

"Yo, there you two are!"

Green has a very distinct voice, N realizes, because he can hear him even over the other patrons chattering. Touya and N make their way over to Green and Red, and at last the four of them are in one spot again.

"Red and I got a double room for the night, 'cause they wouldn't let us grab a four room without you two being here," Green explains. "I would've held out the extra fifteen minutes if it weren't gonna storm and fill up in here."

"S-Sorry, sorry, w-we just got a little distracted," Touya apologizes. "You got a room, a-at least. I-I don't think we can camp in this weather."

"Well, Red thinks we can," and N just now takes note of Red's uneasy expression, "but here we are. C'mon, let's get settled. I wanna swing around town one more time before we head to the Desert Resort tomorrow."

N perks up at that. "Oh, you were thinking of going there too? I wanted to see if I could find some friends of mine down there!"

Green grins back. "Yeah? Come down with us, then. I heard you found your old Zoroark too, huh?"

 _His_ Zoroark, as if the Pokémon is more of a possession than a friend. "We did reunite, yes. He'll be traveling with me, now."

"Yeah, Tou mentioned that when I called. Were you two - hey, wait up!"

Red darts into the room they must be assigned, which is just far enough away to make the rest of the group to chase him. Red flops face down onto the bed furthest from the door.

"You comfy over there?" Green asks. Red doesn't reply. "I'm gonna talk to him for a few minutes. Lemme know how you've been holdin' up the past few days, though. We've had an interesting time," he almost whispers.

"L-Lemme know if you need any help," Touya offers, and Green nods. N sits on the other bed next to Touya now, speaking softly.

"You would come with me to the Desert Resort, right?"

"Of course," Touya nods. "I-I'm not gonna go anywhere without you."

 _Now_ N holds Touya's hand. "Thank you."

"You can't have the whole bed, you brat!" Green snaps, and N looks over to see Red trembling a little - laughter, that looks more like laughter than anything, thankfully. "Move over!" If anything, he somehow takes up more of the mattress. "Jesus, Red, you're only 5'5", how can you take up this much space?"

Red sits up and makes a few signs N doesn't recognize, and that only fuels the banter between he and Green. Maybe it was just the crowds making him nervous. Maybe it's just Green making him happy. It's interesting how he seems to snap so easily out of his panic here when it was so difficult to even get him anywhere near Nuvema Town when they first came to Unova. That must be the virtue of having someone like Green, he thinks, someone to make Red happy.

"Are you alright, N?"

"Wonderful, actually - if not a little wet..."

Touya grins lopsidedly. "Let's see if we can find some towels. I wanna make sure your hair dries so you don't get sick."

Again, N truly wouldn't mind being sick, as long as he's with Touya.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i survived my first week of classes somehow, here's some isshushipping fluff!  
> my brain is kinda fried admittedly and i don't have a lot to say, N is just doing his best to figure out how to romance and Touya is still kinda oblivious. it's funny bc i kinda headcanon Touya as generally being pretty observant about other things, like noticing when there's a Pokémon hiding somewhere or being able to tell when his friends are upset, but love??? he doens't know her  
> also ferris wheel, because ferris wheel. i love that scene and i will die with it  
> jdfgdf also thanks for 100 kudos!! thats a lot of people!!!!


	35. closer, closer, you need to be mine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Red can only dream and daydream that maybe Green could be in love with him. As it were, Red's dreams have a tendency to come true.

He doesn't really want to wake up yet.

Red is kinda awake, his eyes are adjusting to the dim room, but that doesn't mean he's all the way here yet. It takes him a few minutes to remember where he is, the previous day's events swirling around his head pleasantly. He and Green went into Nimbasa City and had breakfast (a date, one may even say), then spent the rest of the day running between the city and the surrounding routes. Red isn't all the way comfortable with being in such a heavily populated area yet, but Green was eager to get back to some semblance of civilization, and so their compromise was between looking in the grottos and exploring the city for a bit before checking the grottos again. He already has the Leavanny he caught, but Green insisted on continuing with his research. That's absolutely in character for him.

That evening, though, it began to rain, and neither of them were eager to catch a cold.

They reconvened with Touya and N at the Pokémon Center, managing to grab a quiet room near the back. It's more of a blessing than an issue that they could only get a room with two beds, since this gives him a less conspicuous excuse to sleep so close to Green. While Touya seemed to be having a bit of a crisis (which is funny, considering N saw nothing wrong with the proposition of sharing a bed), the closer Red can stay to Green right now, the better. He doesn't want Green to worry about him running off right now. Red doesn't intend to leave Green, never again, but his best friend's worries aren't entirely unjustified, unfortunately. As long as Red can stay by him, though, as long as he can lay here in his arms for a few more minutes, everything will be okay.

Green's heartbeat is slow and soothing. That and the rolling thunder almost lull Red back to sleep.

Red nuzzles a little closer to Green, letting his thoughts wander. While he's definitely a little wary about the idea of traveling very far (until recently, Mount Silver was as far away from Pallet Town as he's been), he also finds that exploration comes very naturally to him. It's a childhood quality that he has yet to let go of, a moment in time that's stuck with him, and it's a trait he's happy to embrace. Sometimes this means he gets a little reckless, he ventures into mysterious buildings and edges too close to his friend's heart, but when he wants to explore, he wants to explore, and that's that. _If Red wants something, he wants it with all his heart and soul,_ is something Green mentioned to Rosa over at Undella Town. That's absolutely true.

There is the slight issue that he wants Green with all his heart and soul, though, and he's not sure if he can have him.

It's not that he thinks Green hates him, no. Sometimes the worry comes back, but Green was pretty clear about his feelings when they finally reunited, and the fear is easily pushed away by the warmth that was in Green's eyes when he finally saw Red after eight years of living on that mountain, after years of separation. The issue is that Crystal has said Green doesn't seem to fully understand that Red is, in fact, trying his damndest to flirt with him, either that or he doesn't _want_ to notice. He seems to be reciprocating, though, which is the weird part about all this. Why would Green answer flirting with more flirting if he doesn't think Red likes him in that way?

...unless Red hasn't been flirting at all, but he thought kissing Green was pretty explicitly flirtatious.

Red rolls out of Green's arms for just a moment to grab his phone off the nightstand. He needs help.

[hey Crystal are you awake?] Red's phone reads 6:21, though, so she may still be sleeping.

{My phone is on Do Not Disturb right now. I'll get back to you ASAP! -Crystal}

Yeah, she's probably out cold; understandable, since she has a whole flock of troublemakers to deal with right now. Who else can he get advice from? Either of the twins will just raise hell (he likes them, but they're not the most tactful), and Silver is struggling with his own attempts at flirting with Ethan, if they could even be called _flirting._ He likes Rosa too, but he's not sure if he's ready to dump all this on her. Red knows Touya and N are still both asleep, too, so that about exhausts the list of people Red is reasonably comfortable with talking to. Unless...

[Fire are you awake?]

No answer. Maybe he should just put his phone down.

"What're you up to?"

Red really, really likes when he can hear the sleep in Green's voice still. "Not much."

His eyes are still closed, but Green smiles. "You gotta be shuffling around for somethin', Red."

"I checked the time." That's not a lie. "It's about six thirty."

"Mm..." Green pulls Red closer to him, and Red nuzzles into him. "We got time."

"When did you wanna head out?"

"Dunno. Whenever I feel awake enough."

That could be six minutes or six hours, but if Red gets to stay here with Green, Red will let him take all the time he needs. "Just let me know."

"Mhm."

Red starts to drift back in and out of dreams, partially asleep and partially just introspective, partially just trying to come down from this thought. The sentiment is here to stay, though, it's locked in, and so Red is going to have to face this head on. From the looks of it, he'll want to admit this sooner rather than later.

Red loves Green. He should tell him that at some point.

Maybe he could tell him in Kalos. It's a nation that prides itself in its romanticism, the beauty of human emotions and the very essence of love itself, and it's a place Green wants to visit with him. _I love you,_ and maybe Green would respond with something similar. He could always tell him when they go back to Kanto, when the nights are uneasy because of the return from this adventure and back into reality. _I love you,_ and maybe that would make the stressful days of training and researching worth it for Green. Maybe he could tell him in Alola, looking out onto a tropical beach at sunset, or walking hand in hand on the white sand while water as warm as a bath laps at their bare feet. _I love you,_ and maybe the moment would feel so natural that Green would reply with the same words without skipping a beat. Maybe he could tell him here in Unova, maybe he could tell him on some sunny shoreline, in a place where he can say he loves to be, and he loves that Green is with him, _and I love you, Green,_ and maybe Green would be able to say he feels the same way.

That settles it. Red needs to confess before they leave the region.

_"Emolga!"_

Wait, what?

Red rubs his eyes and sits up, unfortunately losing the warmth of Green. When he looks over, he sees a small electric-looking Pokémon sitting at the foot of the bed. She has two yellow cheeks, a similar pattern as his Pikachu, with dark black markings as if she were wearing a hood. The most notable thing about the critter is a red ribbon tied loosely around her neck, a mark of a trainer who's certainly worried about the missing rodent.

"What are you doing in here?" Red asks the Pokémon quietly. She merely cocks her head at him.

_"Emo mo?"_

"What...?"

Red nudges Green all the way awake, and he sees the Pokémon in question staring back at them. "Oh. Uh..."

_"Molga!"_

"What're you doin' in here?" Green asks the Pokémon. "Where's your trainer?"

The electric type soars in sparks over to N and Touya's side of the room, perching itself on Touya's chest while he sleeps. He's a surprisingly heavy sleeper, apparently.

"Hey, Tou," Green calls over, but he doesn't answer. "Tou!"

Red checks the Pokédex entry on the critter for the moment. _Emolga: electric/flying. The energy made in its cheeks' electric pouches is stored inside its membranes and released while it is gliding._ Huh. They're all going to get a bit zapped this morning, then.

"Ugh..." Touya slowly comes to, then actually falls out of the bed - not when he sees the Emolga literally inches away from him, but when he looks at how close N is. "Gah!"

"Yeah, so this li'l fella found us," Green carries on casually as both the Unovans wake up. "Dunno where she's from, though. I figure we oughta take her up front and ask Joy to put out an announcement on her."

"Y-Yeah, we can... wait..." Touya is still groggy, but he looks closer at Emolga, and something clicks. "I think this is Elesa's Emolga."

"What's happening?" N mumbles as he sits up.

"Elesa's Emolga got out again," Touya answers. Wait, again? "L-Lemme get dressed really quick, a-and then we can take her back to the gym. D-Don't let her do anything crazy in the meantime."

They end up having to take turns getting changed, because the Emolga is fully awake and eager to play. Red doesn't mind the task of keeping her occupied, though. He really is fond of electric Pokémon, for reasons he can't fully explain. Maybe it's just something about their demeanor, energizing and a little mischievous, that makes them so much fun to be around. They're actually kinda like Green, in that way. Pikachu is even a little like him, although Pikachu tends to be a little calmer thanks to Red's influence. Pokémon often take after their trainers, so Red has to wonder what the famous Elesa is like. All he knows about her is that she's a model and a gym leader who specializes in, of course, electric types. Emolga is a good strategic choice, too, since it's immune to ground moves if it has a subtype in flying. 

And yes, Emolga _does_ love to fly around and perch on people's heads, as Red is quickly learning. 

"Where's the gym, then?" Green asks, brushing his hair back into place once Emolga flies off and onto N's head. 

"I-It's actually in the park," Touya answers. "I-I dunno if Elesa is up yet or not, b-but we can at least try to bring Emolga back there. Some of her gym members have to be awake, I-I think."

"We're headin' out for the day, then?"

"I-I think so. I dunno if - h-hey, stop that!"

Emolga scurries into Touya's hood and settles in. _"Mo!"_

"Y-You can't stay in my hood! We've talked about this!"

_"Emoooo!"_

"No! Get off - ow!"

"She just wants to be friendly," N defends her, laughing at the squirrel's playfulness.

"B-But I always get zapped when she - ouch! Emolga!"

_"Molga!"_

Red whistles in her pitch, and that sufficiently distracts her. The squirrel clambers up to Touya's head and hops off, gliding over to Red and perching on his hat. He rubs the top of her head, accepting the little shocks from her fur. It's actually a nice feeling after awhile, a sort of grounding spark.

Red ends up holding Emolga in his arms all the way to the gym, for that reason.

They're about at the gym when the clouds threaten to open back up, rumbling dangerously with thunder. The three of them are waiting outside while Touya runs into the gym to see if Elesa is there, but truth be told, Red would rather go into the gym than stand out here. It's not at all the rain, no. It's that he feels much easier in gyms than he does in parks; rather, he feels better when he's enclosed somewhere. He supposes that maybe this is why Green's arm around his shoulder is always such a soothing weight, because it cuts him off from the rest of the world and into a soft little pocket of comfort. Sure, the other part of it is the crush, but he's convinced there's a bit more to the calming effect Green has on him than just that.

"She's at the studio," Touya answers, a bit out of breath, as he darts to the next building over.

"Studio?" N echoes.

"Y'know, the modeling studio."

Oh. Does that mean there's going to be lights and cameras? If that's the case, maybe standing out here isn't so bad after all.

_"Mo!"_ Emolga zaps Red as a warning. He didn't even realize he was holding her too tightly though his nerves.

"You alright, Red?" Green did, though. Green is always very observant. "Red?"

Red just shrugs a little bit. He'll be fine. It's going to be fine. He has Green with him. The place is empty, anyway. Of course it is. It's only seven in the morning. Red leans a little closer to Green nonetheless, seeking comfort and maybe just a hint of how Green might feel. 

"Elesa?" Touya calls out, and even the echo makes Red wince a little, imagining how loud this place must get when it's busy. "Elesa! W-We found your Emolga!"

"One minute!" That voice sounds muffled through a wall. Touya treks on until he's standing at the head of the catwalk, a stage who's very nature makes Red reluctant to go up.

_"Mo molga!"_ Emolga wants to head up there, though, but Red doesn't want to let go of the comforting little zaps...

"Red, c'mere." When did Green get up there? With a nervous sigh, Red darts up the stairs and stands close to Green, feeling uneasy. He feels like this could be a trap, like everything could shift in half a second and suddenly he could be right in the spotlight.

He hears heels echoing from somewhere, and the person he sees is objectively a model.

Red didn't realize how pretty Elesa was, but looking at her now, he remembers why she's a model. She's in fairly casual clothes for the moment, instead of one of her more extravagant outfits she's said to wear during gym battles, but he gets the sense she could wear a trash bag and still make it look fashionable. There was a young girl from Pallet when he and Green were kids who tried to teach them all about fashion, but of course it all went over Red's head. Elesa seems to be the true expert, though.

"Oh, there you are!"

She's looking at Emolga. Of course she's looking at her own Pokémon. That doesn't make her eyes in Red's direction feel any less intimidating. Oddly, though, instead of approaching and taking her Pokémon back, she lets out another Emolga, this one sporting a blue ribbon around it's neck.

_"Molga!"_

_"Emo mo!!"_

The squirrel in Red's arms flies off and joins its friend in the center of the stage, flying around the other in a flurry of electrical crackles. Elesa sighs contently.

"Sheesh. I thought I was gonna have to cancel _everything_ today to get her back. She's not easy to find in this city." The model looks at Touya, now. "Thanks for finding her, kiddo. You come back to Nimbasa after three years and immediately help me out, huh?"

Touya blushes a little; he's still very much not used to compliments, Red has noticed. "I-I didn't really find her, though, sh-she found me. Or Red, rather."

And now the spotlight is back on him. Great.

"Oh?" She looks at him and seems to realize that, yes, this is _that_ Red. "Oh! It's a pleasure to meet you, Red. I saw you did an amazing job at the World Tournament this year. Your Pikachu is something else, huh?"

Red only nods. This is too sudden and he doesn't have it in him to try and communicate this on-the-spot at this time of day.

"Do you mind if I meet him? I think my Emolga would wanna meet a new friend, too." He gets the sense she's bribing him with her Pokémon, but Red complies nonetheless. Pikachu appears on the ground in a flash of red light.

_"Pika?"_ It's only after hearing Emolga's shrill chattering that Red realizes Pikachu even seems to have a softer voice than most other of his species. That's probably his fault for making him train on a mountain for years on end.

Red claps for Pikachu to hop on his shoulder without even thinking. That weight is comforting, too.

"Oh, how adorable!" Elesa fawns.

"Yeah, Pikachu's cuter when he's not zapping or biting you," Green jokes. "Although that tends to be the case most of the time with me."

"I guess he just doesn't know his own strength, huh?" Oh, he does, but Pikachu just prefers to give Green a hard time, mostly in jest. "He _really_ is adorable. So is Pikachu."

Wait, what?

_Wait does she think I'm cute -_

_(Thank you,)_ Red signs, even though he's not sure if that's an appropriate way to answer.

"You're welcome, Red." Wait, she can understand him?

_(Do you sign?)_

"Not exactly, but I'm learning to read sign language," she answers, and Red lights up a little at that. "You actually inspired me to do that, in fact. I wouldn't want a kid to come in here and feel uncomfortable because they couldn't speak to me, you know?"

Red nods and smiles at her. Okay, so she's a gym leader, a model, and just a really nice person. This is rare.

"That really is wonderful," N hums, letting one of her Emolga perch on his head. "It's good to see someone so kind in your position," and Red nods in agreement.

...did Green just move closer to him?

"Why, thank you," she bows a bit. "I think that's a bit of Touya rubbing off on me, though."

"Oh, shut up," Touya sheepishly mumbles too quietly for anyone to actually hear.

"At any rate - and this is only if you would want to," she starts, "but if you wanted to show me how to actually _make_ hand signs, that would be lovely. I don't have the best grasp on that just yet."

_(Of course!)_ Oh, this is wonderful. This is going over so much better than he expected.

"Y'know," Green slings his arm around Red as Pikachu hops off, "I've never actually seen you battle before. How do you deal with electricity flying around you all the time?"

"Stay out of the way," she answers simply. "You get that, Red, right?"

Red nods in response, but Green moves in closer and gives a different answer. "He actually just organizes himself with his Pokémon well enough that he doesn't need to be out of the way all the time. They're always on the same page - same with me."

Wait, he's on the same page as his Pokémon, or Red is on the same page as Green? They're both true, but what does he mean?

"I can imagine." She's watching Pikachu hop around her two Emolga. "It'd be a pleasure to battle you sometime."

"I would love to," _wait, I think she was asking me,_ "but Red and I were gonna head out, actually. We're gonna swing by Icirrus City soon." Woah, what?

"Why are you heading up there?" Touya asks, and Red has the same question, because he's pretty sure that was never the plan.

"Just to take a look around," Green answers vaguely. "B'sides, I heard there's supposed to be a tower up around there with a lot of strong ghost Pokémon, and those are Red's favorite."

"Oh?" Elesa looks from Green to Red. "I always guessed it'd be electric types."

He can't truly pick a favorite type. It kinda is electric types, but - "You get to know him better than that when you've been his friend for the entirety of your life." Well, not the _entirety_ , but just about. Why is Green so edgy right now?

"That's how my Emolga are, too," Elesa hums. "Zebstrika gets along really well with Eelektross, too. Zeb's known her since I hatched her last year."

"Yeah, Red and I have known each other since we were babies, pretty much. That's kinda why I'm his best friend." There's... There's a lot of emphasis in that last sentence. What's with him?

"That's why your battle at the PWT was so electrifying, I bet," Elesa nods. "If you do wanna have a quick battle before you go - "

"How about we make it a double?" Green is almost too close to be socially acceptable, his hand is squeezing his shoulder, there's this weird sharpness in his voice and -

Oh.

Oh, this is jealousy.

Elesa grins, almost a bit smugly. "Sure. Touya, would you like to be my battle partner for today?"

Touya seems to perk up at that suggestion. "Y-Yeah, totally! I-I was kinda meaning to battle you myself, too, s-so maybe after this...?"

"If we have time, of course! I can always set aside a slot for my favorite champion."

"Oh, my god, shut up." Elesa just laughs.

"Still not good at the whole _accepting compliments_ thing, huh?"

"I-I never have been, and never will be."

"But he _does_ deserve all of the compliments, though!" N insists. "H-He's a wonderful trainer!"

"And a wonderful judge of character," Elesa adds while Touya pulls his hood over his head. "That's why he's your friend, N. It's nice to see you got back safe and sound."

N suddenly looks a little flushed. "O-Oh, um, th-thank you. I'm glad we're friends."

"I guess the same goes for you two, right?" She looks back at he and Green.

"Without a doubt in the world." Okay, this is cute. Green being jealous is cute. It's bad that he's worried, but _wow_ this is adorable.

"Well, then," Elesa snaps for her Emolga to come back, and Red whistles for Pikachu. "Shall we begin?"

Red is intent on impressing Elesa here, just so he can keep her attention, because then he'll keep Green wrapped around his finger.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> y'all thought there was gonna be a "oh no we're sharing a bed" moment but Red has absolutely no shame lmao (at least there's a hint of that with Touya lol)  
> this week on _Red is desperately in love,_ Red is totally enamored with Green and doesn't understand that Elesa's friendliness can be easily mistaken as flirtation bc he has absolutely no experience in this. i always imagined Elesa to be maybe a little flirty, but mostly she's just very personable and likes to make friends fast. unfortunately Green is kinda getting in the way of that here bc _no he's mine stop that_  
>  sorry for the long break btw, i'm swamped during the week so i might only be able to update weekends at this point ;u; i promise i'm not abandoning this fic though!!


	36. hotter and hotter and burning up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's not that Red doesn't like exploring with Green. It's just that he doesn't fare well in the desert heat.

The heat is unfamiliar.

Red isn't used to weather like this. He's used to being buffeted around by snow and ice, and a sandstorm feels at least slightly similar to that. He's unaccustomed to getting grains of sand stuck in his hair, though, and the heat is absolutely unbearable. He doesn't understand how anyone can even think of living in an area like this. Lentimas Town was hot, but it's not even close to this horrendous heat, and it certainly wasn't this windy. He wonders why they didn't just come down here in the evening when the desert would be cooler; darker and even windier, sure, but at least they could navigate without the constant threat of dehydration looming over them.

"You still there?"

Red squeezes Green's hand in response; it's a clearer response than nodding in this situation. The sandstorm is so heavy in some squalls that Red completely loses sight of Touya and N up ahead. For now, he can see them as vague shapes moving through the storm, trudging closer to the desert ruins. While Red and Green wanted to explore those ruins, the two Unovans are combing through the barren landscape in search of an old friend of N's, a Pokémon N had battled with before releasing it back into the wild. Red really can't imagine being like N, feeling the compulsion to release all his Pokémon after a single battle.

Red _can_ empathize with the whole _falling in love with your friend who spent yeas trying to bring you home_ thing, though.

Red snaps out of his thoughts to find himself completely alone.

He's going to have to act fast. Red releases Espeon into the dry landscape, immediately holding her to shelter her from the wind as best as he can. It takes her a moment to adjust to the harsh heat and scorching winds before she realizes that they are, in fact, in a desert.

_"Goodness, Red. When you said we were leaving Mount Silver, I didn't expect you to take us to a desert."_

Red rolls his eyes. "I know. Where's Green?"

 _"Did you lose him in the storm?"_ Red nods, barely able to speak over the wind. It's a miracle she even heard those four words. Espeon's eyes glow through the sands, and a few low waves of psychic energy shoot out across the landscape. _"There's many people here, Red."_

"Three people," is all he manages to choke out. He does _not_ want to be around many people, he just wants to find his friends and keep exploring with them.

Again, Espeon combs the sands. _"This way."_

It only takes about a minute of hiking through the dunes before Red can see the trio up ahead, which is almost jarring. Of course they couldn't have gotten that far, sure, but Red couldn't see _anyone_ through the sands. It's eerie to him in that way, eerie that he could so easily lose them when they're so close up ahead.

"There you are," Green sighs, relieved yet still worried. "I thought we lost you. We kept going because we thought you got ahead of us."

 _"Do be careful not to lose him next time, Green."_ Espeon still has a minor grudge against Green for the time he stopped visiting Mount Silver, Red recalls. It's definitely unfortunate to have a Pokémon who isn't too keen on his crush.

"I know, I-I won't lose him again." Green looks at Red, still sweating under either the heat or the pressure of Espeon's glare. "Are you okay? I'm sorry we lost you. I didn't - "

 _(It's okay),_ Red signs. Green grins at that.

"Alright, then. Let's..."

And now N and Touya are out of sight. Great.

"Y'know what? Let's find those ruins. I'm sick of being in this sandstorm."

Red nods and recalls Espeon with a soft _thank you_ before following Green back into the desert. Touya did mention something about how the desert is right on the coast, so maybe getting out to where the sand meets the ocean will give them some reprieve from the storm. Red remembers the opposite effect on Mount Silver; the closer you were to an edge, the worst the winds would get. That's why he made a base not only inside a cave, but in a cave system nestled between several peaks surrounding the summit. The more sheltered they were from the wind and snow, the safer everyone was.

It's either the heat or nostalgia that makes Red want to go back for at least a day or two.

Green pulls Red into a small hole in the sand, the Relic Castle they've been looking forward to exploring. In Green's case, he wants to survey what Pokémon live inside in general, whereas Red has a bit of a different agenda. Working with his Frillish and Litwick has made him realize that it might actually be fun to go out of his way to make a ghost-based team. It wouldn't be the most effective in battle if the whole team share a weakness or two, but the principle of type specialization is interesting. The way Elesa uses her electric types is beyond anything Red does with Pikachu; it's a wholistic knowledge of the type, and if Red is going to start that anywhere, he may as well use his ghosts.

Hence, Red is going to capture a Yamask, and Green is going to have to live with that fact.

"Alright," Green starts aloud, "so, I think we should be able to get to the bottom floor in decent time if we keep moving along. I just dunno exactly where the ruins _end,_ is the problem. This place is supposed to be huge." Red nods, following behind Green.

"Ah, you're looking for the castle's Volcarona, perhaps?"

It's a random trainer who butts in to their plans, a girl and a round pink Pokémon with little flowers on it.

"Yeah," Green answers with a bit of a lie. "Y'know anythin' about it?"

Red scans the Pokémon while the girl talks, reading the entry on Munna rather than paying much attention to the chattering. The more preoccupied he looks, the less likely it is that she'll try to engage him in conversation.

 _It eats the dreams of people and Pokémon. When it eats a pleasant dream, it expels pink-colored mist._ That's much nicer entry than the other dream eater he's familiar with, Hypno, who _sometimes try to steal children_.

"...then you should be able to reach it, but it's a bit of a maze," the girl concludes a thought that Red didn't hear. "Either way, I wish you luck! I sense it's really hostile."

Green nods with determination. "We'll see what we can do. Thanks again!" Green tugs Red along, and now it seems like they're off to the depths.

Red feels a little more easy in here, despite being dizzy from the heat and stagnant air. The castle is built like a network of caves, making him feel very much at home. He remembers darting around Mount Silver's cave systems for hours, even days at a clip, just exploring and finding whatever there is to find. Sometimes he would even drop off full restores or revives along some of the more well-traveled paths, just in case someone was in a bit of a pinch. He knows that actually helped Ethan on more than one occasion. He wonders how those kids are doing. He hasn't heard from them, though Crystal has informed him that they've been causing their usual trouble. At least they're having fun, from the sound of it.

" _Yaa?"_

Red flips around to face the small ghostly Pokémon, with his Pokédex in hand. All he really knows about Yamask off the bat is that it's a ghost type Pokémon that lives here.

 _Each of them carries a mask that used to be its face when it was human. Sometimes they look at it and cry._ Well. That's upsetting.

"These Pokémon arose from the spirits of people interred in graves in past ages," Green reads off his entry, sounding very uneasy. "Each retains memories of its former life."

 _"Yaa..."_ The shadowy creature floats a little closer to the two of them.

"...Red, no."

"Red, yes." He approaches the Yamask. "Hi, there."

 _"Maa..."_ The Yamask slowly backs up, and Red mimics the motion. The two of them look silently at one another for a few moments, the only sound in the space coming from streams of falling sand.

"Red, c'mon. We can't sit around here all day." Green tugs at Red's arm. "We got stuff to do."

Red stands up with a bit of a spin in his head and waves to the Yamask. If it doesn't want to come with him, he can understand that, but he kinda doesn't want to battle a Pokémon that cries when it looks at its old face to try and catch it. He wonders if its evolution would be any easier to capture.

"Okay, so we have to go... left...?" Green looks around the next room over, trying to orient himself. "Left is just a sand pit, though..."

"Let's jump down," Red suggests.

"Are you nuts?"

"Kinda." His head is swirling, but if they get any deeper, maybe it'll be cooler. 

Green sighs. "Well, that looks like our only way down. Those stairs just take us back up, so..." He's still hesitant, understandably. "I-I dunno. Maybe we took a wrong turn?"

"We can go back up, but that's further from where we wanna be."

"Well, yeah, but it's not - gah!"

The Yamask from earlier is still following the two of them, it seems. _"Yamaa..."_

"Holy shit, what are you doing here? You scared the hell outta us!"

 _"Maaa..."_ Red holds his hand out to the creature, but again, it moves back. He whistles to it in the same low tone it's using, but that doesn't seem to offer it any comfort.

"Whatever, let's just jump down and see what we can see. Hold my hand, though, Red, I'm not about to lose you in a sinkhole."

Red takes Green's hand a little too eagerly.

The two of them continue down through the ruins of the castle, interrupted only periodically by Sandile and banter about where to go and how lost they are. If need be, Green could always get Alakazam to teleport them out of here, or even have Rhyperior dig them back to the surface. Green doesn't seem particularly comfortable, though, either from a growing claustrophobia or the purplish Pokémon trailing behind them. Its yellow eyes gaze out at them through each dark room, almost offering a light for them to navigate by.

The two of them end up falling down one sinkhole after another. As if by some cruel design, the stairs only seem to lead them further up from wherever they've fallen. This place is ridiculously confusing to navigate. Red is starting to think the heat is getting to him. He could've swore Yamask usually have red eyes, too, but apparently that's not the case. Maybe he's just tired... He's definitely fatigued, but is that making him disoriented? 

"Do you not like it here?" Red asks. Green seems uneasy, which isn't outstanding. 

"I'd be better if that thing weren't following us," Green mumbles and gestures slightly toward the Yamask. Of course that's why he's nervous. "B'sides, this place can cave at any second. Limestone and sand are kinda unstable, right? The bedrock deposits in Kanto are a lot more steady. At least I can trust a cave there won't cave in as suddenly."

"Oh." That's... actually not a threat Red considered. Now he's a little nervous, too. Then again, the ruins have stood for this long, right? He tries to consider the logistics of it, but that just makes his head hurt even more.

_"Yamaa!"_

"What is it?" Red asks, and the Yamask nudges Red and Green toward another pit of sand.

_"Yaa!"_

"He's gonna kill us." Green's grip on Red's hand tightens.

"Just trust him. We've been jumping down anyway."

It's one more jump until they hit the lowest level, filled to the brim. Red numbly wonders how far down they are.

"Okay, so..." Green looks between the entry ahead of them and the ancient staircase. "Let's try the door first."

_"Yaa."_

Green looks warily at the Yamask. "Or you can just catch that thing so it stops stalking us. It's a shiny, so you may as well."

Wait. "Wait, what?"

Green looks at Red. "You can't tell me you didn't notice. Yamask usually have gold masks and red eyes."

Red shrugs. "I didn't really think about it."

"You didn't notice the dozen other Yamask around that all had a different coloration?"

"Well, yeah, but..." Now he's _really_ confused. He almost feels a little sick. He  _knew_ they usually have red eyes, but he doubted himself...

"Have you have your head in the clouds this whole time?"

"N-No! I just only noticed this one because he's following us!"

Green looks amused. "So you totally missed the image on your 'dex entry that shows a Yamask's normal coloration, then?"

Red feels a little nauseous. "Um... yeah, I guess."

Green sighs, but he's still grinning at Red. "You're a piece of work, you know that? Go catch your buddy, then we'll keep moving."

"If he wants to come with me..." Red really can't blame Yamask for being a bit more reclusive. He seems like he wants to befriend them, but being hidden away in a castle of ruins probably makes it a bit difficult for him to have any contact with humans. Red can empathize with the isolation, but thousands of years is a little out of his experience.

Red edges near Yamask. This time, he doesn't recoil.

"Thank you for leading us down here," Red thanks the Yamask, who seems to nod in response. "Is Volcarona nearby?"

 _"Ya."_ Yamask seems to perk up at the name _Volcarona._

"Do you know where Volcarona is?"

 _"Yama!"_ At that, the little ghost takes off, and Red chases after it. He can hear Green following close on his heels, sifting through the sand as fast as it'll allow them to move. Next time, Red feels like he should look into appropriate desert attire. This is ridiculously hard to trudge through, and all his limbs are starting to feel weak. There has to be sand shoes or something that can help them out.

Luckily, they finally enter into the hole in the wall to find themselves in a small chamber, filled with crumblings columns from a time long since gone.

"This place feels like a huge version of the Ruins of Alph." Green muses. "Where the hell are we, though? Where'd your Yamask go?"

Red shuts his eyes for a moment, trying to physically steady himself. Where would Yamask have gone, anyway? He has to be around here somewhere, right? "Well, where's Volcarona?"

"Dunno," Green shrugs. "If we can find Volcarona, Yamask will probably be there too, but we still gotta find one of 'em."

"Hm." Red looks around pensively. "Where's the edge of this place?"

"Oh, you wanna loop the perimeter?" Red nods at Green. "Let's zip through 'til we get a dead end, then - yeah, yeah, follow me."

Red takes Green's hand as they dart off, and despite the overwhelming heat, the gesture is very welcomed. The limestone floors are treating their footfalls much more kindly than the sandy mountains, but the air is getting harder to breathe as they run. "Do you know where you're going?" 

"Well, Touya found one've the Plasma Sages down here. I think I remember where he said the deepest area is," Green explains. "Do you really think Volcarona is gonna be that hostile, or what?"

Red stumbles and shrugs. "I dunno. Are you worried about it?"

Green slows to a trot, pulling his jacket off while they travel through the ancient corridors. "I'm worried about the context of a Pokémon that hostile. They said Mewtwo was hostile, but that's because it's been mistreated for so long. Then you have the deal with the Gyarados at the Lake of Rage... Pokémon aren't normally ridiculously aggressive, you know? Maybe it's just going stir-crazy."

A few thousand years of being hidden in a castle can probably do that to someone, Red thinks.

_"Yaa! Yaa!"_

Red catches a glimpse of the (apparently shiny) Yamask, then chases it down the hall. "Wait up!"

"Did he find Volcarona?"

"I-I dunno! Just keep up!"

Red is the one struggling to keep up now, though. The air in here is so much thicker when he's running, so much hotter, and by the time they reach a room with an eloquently designed doorway and several sacrificial-looking pots, he nearly falls over and passes out from the heat. It takes him a few minutes to gather that Green is holding his head in his lap, now.

"Wh..." Red sits up, but he can't manage to make any words just yet.

"Maybe we should've come later in the day," Green sighs guiltily, "so you wouldn't be melting right now. Did you drink any water yet?" Red shakes his head. "Red!"

"Forgot," he mumbles. Green gives him the last of his water bottle.

"Take this, then drink some of your water. We'll be outta here soon." _Wait why is he taking off my jacket wh -_ "You oughta stay cool, too."

"Th-This isn't _that_ heavy..." Having Green undress him to any degree is a weird sensation that's making him think of things he absolutely should not be thinking right now. 

"You said it _was_ when you were on Mount Silver," Green counters. Okay, shoot, so he can't claim that here. "Just wait here and cool off. Yamask," Green looks to the ghost without a trace of fear in his eyes for once, "stay with Red. Make sure he's safe."

 _"Ya ya."_ Yamask curls up in Red's lap, eyes fixed on one doorway, then the other.

"Are you going in alone?" Red asks nervously.

"I'll be fine." Green sends out Rhyperior. "We're heading in. Stay put, you hear me?"

Red glares at Green. "I'm not letting you go in alone."

"Well, I'm not letting you go in when you're dehydrated and heat exhausted, Red. You can't battle like this."

Red manages to stand up, with Yamask sticking close to his shoulder. "My Pokémon can still battle."

"Not without a trainer, they can't."

"They can help you if something happens to me - which it won't," Red adds quickly. "I'm going to be fine, okay? I promise."

Green looks confused suddenly. "Wait, you'd lemme use your Pokémon?"

"Of course. I trust you more than anyone."

Green smiles softly at him. "That means a lot to me, you know."

Red feels himself heat up from shyness more than anything, now. "R-Right."

"Slowking, get out here." The pink Pokémon appears in an instant. "Water Gun."

"What are you - "

Red gets blasted with water before he can finish his sentence. At least Yamask dodged the attack.

"You suck, Green."

"Hey, you gotta cool down somehow." Stupid Green and his stupid smug smirk. "Stay back and lemme handle this thing, okay?"

Red follows Green quietly into the large chamber, walking with echoing footfalls between the rows of columns and pilasters. The tiles on the floor are formed just so, as if they were designed to pull them towards the end of the hall. Laying on the floor at the back of the space is the motionless form a Pokémon that has to be Volcarona.

 _"Ma! Ma ma!"_ Yamask frantically cries to the Pokémon, who offers no answer. Green approaches Volcarona quietly.

"Is it okay?" Red asks softly. Green approaches the Volcarona's limp form.

"I dunno how, but she's hurt. _Really_ hurt." Oh, no, that's not good news. "Lemme see here..."

Yamask shoots over to Volcarona, crying and whimpering to her, but she seems to be unconscious. Red edges closer slowly, nervously, because he's somehow afraid that if he gets too close, he'll find that the Pokémon has been dead for ages, or maybe just minutes, maybe they were just a little too late. A faint memory of Alder's fallen Volcarona comes back to the forefront of Red's mind before he pushes the thought away.

"She's breathing, at least," Green confirms before Red's thoughts can keep spiraling. "Totally out, though..."

_"Maaaa..."_

Red kneels on the other side of the giant moth, wavering slightly as he does. "What do we do?"

Green continues to inspect the injuries that Red can't bring himself to focus on. "Maybe... Oh, man, I think she was trying to get out. A lot of these injuries are blunt force trauma. Wonder how long she's been keeping at this..."

Red feels his stomach sink. He recalls blunt force being the death of a certain overachieving Raticate.

"We gotta get her to the surface, but I don't wanna heal her all the way, 'cause she might attack and hurt herself more," Green explains. "I dunno if I can carry a five foot moth all the way back through that, though, and you can't catch a fainted 'mon, so - "

_"Ya ya! Yaa!!"_

"Do you have an idea?" Red asks. Yamask tugs at his tank top - right, he doesn't have his jacket on right now, that's still weird to think about. "Do you know how to get her back up?"

_"Ya!!"_

Red looks between Yamask, Green, and Volcarona, though that makes his head swirl momentarily. "Green, wait here with her. Yamask, show me how we can get out, and we'll come back for them in a minute."

"Red - " Green already doesn't like this idea, but -

"I just need to see if we can carry her up some other way," Red insists. "Trust me."

Green doesn't seem to trust him at all, but he understands the severity of the situation. "Alright. You come straight back here though, got it?"

The mountain blinks back into Red's mind for a moment. "Got it."

Red and Yamask dash as fast as they can through the ruins without making Red overheat more, weaving between the columns and walls that could share thousands of stories if they could speak. He carefully steps over the patches of slippery sand and jostled stones, tracking Yamask closely, until they reach the same room they came from before, the hill of sandleading out of the depths of the castle.

"Can we go all the way up the stairs from here?" Red asks.

 _"Ya!"_ Yamask nods.

"They go _all_ the way up?"

 _"Yama!"_ Yamask starts to lead Red back to Green, seemingly understanding the gravity of the situation, of letting Red run off from Green. It's not like Red would leave him here, no, but Green's fear is understandable. The last time Green let Red run off somewhere on his own, he didn't come back on his own volition. Hell, Green even had to drag Red to Driftveil City when he was hiding out on Route 1. 

"Green," Red calls into the chamber, bracing himself on the door frame, "the stairs outside lead all the way back up. Can you carry her that far?"

Green lifts the moth with a big of a huff. "Well, I carried you across a mountain when you fainted in the snow one time. She's about your size, huh?"

Red rolls his eyes. "In my defense, that totally wasn't my fault."

"Yeah, yeah. Just be more careful, okay?"

They both fall silent for a moment. As to why Mount Silver is on everyone's mind right now, Red isn't sure, but that explains Green's nerves. Maybe it's just this environment, somehow reminiscent of loss and isolation, and suddenly Red wants nothing more but to leave.

"Yamask, do you wanna come with us?" Red asks abruptly, feeling an unease fill his chest.

_"Ya. Ya?"_

Red grabs a pokéball out of his bag and shoves his coat in, then slings the bag over his shoulders. "For real, though."

_"Ya..."_

Silence. Yamask doesn't protest when Red holds the ball out to him, but he hesitates.

"Do you wanna stay here?" Yamask shakes his head quietly. "You'll be safe if you come with me, I promise."

It seems the same words Green said to him years ago were all the convincing Yamask needed. If only Red were less stubborn back then.

Green grins at Red. "You really have a knack for that, huh?"

Red shrugs, still feeling uneasy at his swirling thoughts. "Yeah. Let's go back up."

"Yeah, the heat's not treating you well. I'll see if I can call N when we get to the surface. He might know how to help Volcarona."

Red follows Green wordlessly halfway up the stairways before he speaks again. "Hey, Green?"

"Yeah?"

"I don't wanna leave you ever again." 

The air is thick. "I'm glad. I don't wanna lose you, so - "

"I-I'm not going anywhere." He's almost trying to convince himself, he's trying to tell his memories of snow and ice to shut up and get out, _I'm not going back to Mount Silver and I'm not abandoning Green._

"Thank you." Pause. "Are you okay?"

"Just..." This is too much to talk about for the time being. "Thinking. I don't wanna talk right now."

"Do you feel okay?"

The dizziness is slowly trying to convince him that vomiting is a decent idea right about now. "Too hot," is all he can say. He hears people nearby.

Green nods understandingly. "We'll get you cooled off as soon as we're outta here, okay? Keep drinking water for now. I'll get Slowking back out to cool you off once we find a spot to stop." Pause. "Also, uh, if you could call N for me and just hold the phone, that'd be good. I kinda can't hold my phone with an armful of Volcarona."

Red grins in response. Green really is a wonderful person, taking care of a Pokémon in need, going to lengths he shouldn't have to for the sake of Volcarona's health. It's just another little reason why Red is in love with him.

"Hey, N, where're you guys?" Red can only vaguely hear Touya's voice, actually, but not his words. "Oh, hey Tou. Y-Yeah, uh, long story short, we found a Volcarona, but she's really hurt. I carried her out of the ruins 'cause we need to get her healed, but I dunno what'd be best for her. She's kinda..." Pause. "Yeah, yeah, really bad. 'cause she's hostile, though, I didn't wanna heal her and have her hurt herself more, you know? ...How much d'you know about healing?" Another pause. "Yeah, we'll be by the coast. If y'all could swing up here, that'd be good. We'll be waiting." One more pause. "Gotcha. See ya."

Red hangs up the phone and puts it away. _(Are they on their way?)_

"They should be. Let's find a spot to park for now. We gotta get _you_ healed up, too."

Red realizes his heart is racing. _(Right.)_

"I'd hug you for comfort, but that'd just make you hotter. Also, I'm holding a giant moth."

Red laughs silently. _(It's the thought that counts.)_

The nearby breeze from the water is almost as cooling and comforting to Red as Green's presence. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yikes this is long  
> Red not noticing a pokemon is shiny is definitely something that has happened before i'd imagine, but he's also experiencing some heat exhaustion so he may or may not be entirely in his right mind rn poor boy ;u; it's been swelteringly hot all week here too so i got some real life experience, which is the only good to come out of 100f degree weather fjkhg  
> truth be told, i had no idea what this chapter was gonna be, so this one was written almost entirely without an outline. hopefully it came out alright though?? i like writing explore-y stuff :0


	37. steady, steady, get out of the heat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Touya and N set out on what feels like a wild goose chase through the desert. Touya is just glad the friends they encounter aren't heat-induced mirages.

The sand is really grating.

Touya remembers visiting here quite awhile back, and he remembers getting lost in the sand and almost fainting from dehydration. He wasn't underprepared, not by a long shot, but he ended up giving most of the water to Samurott while making his way through the heavy sandstorms. The next thing he knew, he was in a Pokémon Center with Professor Juniper and Samurott at his side. Touya has since resolved to never come here unless he has plenty of water for _everyone,_ including N and his Zoroark.

Now, everything seems to be going as well as it can in a sandstorm.

"I think he may be this way," N insists, tugging Touya along through the sand. "Sigilyph like to get out of the storms as much as they can. It would make sense to find him by the coast."

"I-I thought Sigilyph like to stay around the Relic Castle too," Touya adds, actually having to shout over a gale of wind. "M-Maybe we should head up there?"

"In a minute."

Touya has never seen N as determined as he is in this moment. N isn't a pushover, but he's generally not this gung-ho about anything. Touya has to wonder if maybe it was N's reintroduction to Zoroark that's making him so eager to get out into the desert and find his old Sigilyph. The only fear he has is if the Pokémon doesn't want to come with him. Touya recalls N saying that he felt bad for even bringing Sigilyph into Nimbasa City; _they prefer to guard the ruins they used to live in,_ or something like that. If that's true, N may need to leave Sigilyph behind. That shouldn't be difficult with his track record, but...

Wait a second.

"Did we lose Red and Green?"

N finally stops trudging forward, peering around through the sand. It seems like they did.

"Ah."

"You're really on a mission, huh?"

"S-Sorry," N starts quickly apologizing, "I just - "

"H-Hey, hey, no need to apologize," Touya insists. "They'll call if they need us. I-I can even call them and see where they're at. I'm pretty sure we still get reception here..."

"Maybe." N is looking ahead again.

"Or we can keep going," Touya grins. "W-Whatever you want."

"Or both," and N is already pulling Touya along. "I want to explore as much as we can before it gets dark. Sigilyph is going to be harder to find in the evening, and sometimes it gets even windier here after sundown. It'll be even more difficult for any of us to navigate, since none of us are immune to the sand. It'll be cooler," N adds, "but that doesn't offer us anything in the way of finding Sigilyph."

Touya can't help but smile at N. This is a little tiring, and he's sweating like crazy, but it's worth it to see N so energetic, so determined. Seeing N actually coming back for his Pokémon is a rare experience, it's absolutely _bizarre_ in the best possible way. Touya never thought he would see N get to this point, he never thought he would see him carry on after Team Plasma and actually catch Pokémon to travel with. This is an amazing development, one that Touya is incredibly proud to see.

His phone cuts from a monotonous ring to the start of Green's voicemail. So much for getting in touch.

"Did they not pick up?" N asks as Touya redials.

"Y-Yeah, uh," and this time it goes right to the voicemail, "I-I think he lost signal. They might be in the Relic Castle. Do you think Sigilyph would be in there?"

"It's not unlikely," N answers quickly. "We can check later in the evening, actually. It'll be safer down there when it's already cooler, so that the ruins aren't too overheated from the sun."

Touya looks up through the sand and can only see a dim disk where the sun should be. Deserts are surreal in that way, he thinks. Beyond mirages and strange pockets of water that sometimes appear (though not here, of course), it feels so alien.

Touya looks behind him to see a small herd of Sandile trailing after them.

"I think we have company."

N turns to face the crocodiles for only a moment, shielding his eyes from the incoming sands. "They must be curious. They don't seem particularly uneasy."

Touya doesn't entirely like that they're being followed, though. "Right." Pause. "What are they saying?"

"Nothing, at the moment," N answers. "I'll tell you if they say anything. There's really nothing to worry about, though."

It seems like N is off in his own little world right now. While Touya isn't unused to that, he doesn't like feeling like he's kinda on his own out in the middle of a desert. The swirling dunes offer him absolutely no sense of direction, so if he loses N, he's totally out of luck.

"D-Do you know if there's a way you could try calling out to him?" Touya offers. "M-Maybe if he hears you, he'll come out."

"Perhaps," N agrees, "but I only want to do that if I think he might be nearby. The wind will carry my voice away too easily to shout at random."

That's a good point. "I-I guess you don't want sand in your throat, either."

"That wouldn't be ideal, no." N shuffles over another dune, practically dragging Touya along. "Are you okay?"

"K-Kinda hot, a-and the sand hurts my eyes," he admits, "b-but I'm okay to keep going."

Pause. "I'm sorry, Touya. I'm not trying to be impatient, but I don't want to waste any time."

"N-No, no, it's good that we're moving at a good pace," Touya insists, warily eyeing the bask of Sandile. He is feeling overheated, though. He takes another swig of water and hopes for the best. Maybe the coastal wind will cool him off.

The edge of the Desert Resort has always been particularly ethereal to Touya. It's a sudden paradox, a dichotomy of land and sea, like something out of a myth from the Hoenn region. If it weren't such a tall drop down to the ocean, Touya would jump in to get out of the heat. The fact that the thought even crosses his mind worries him. He must be losing it.

"Sigilyph!" N calls out once into the wind, and now Touya understands what he means when he says he doesn't want to waste his voice. Even that shout is eaten up by the wind, not even echoing off the cliffside. Maybe it's not that far of a drop. It looks nice and cool down there. It's probably like being at Undella town, but with a bit more of a dive. That's fine, right?

"I'm going insane," Touya mumbles to himself. "Are you doing okay out here, N?"

"Of course," he nods. N looks like... well, like someone who's been traveling in a desert, but otherwise he doesn't look too bad. "Are you?"

"Uh, s-sorta," Touya answers carefully, trying not to make N feel bad about bringing him out here. "I-It's just the heat, b-but I'll be fine."

"Can you take your jacket off?"

Oh, right, he's wearing a heavy jacket in a desert like a fucking idiot. "Th-That'd be a good idea."

"...Sigilyph?!" N calls out into the desert again, but there's no answer. 

"Where else would he be?" Touya asks, tying his sweater around his waist..

"Either by the Relic Castle, or in the southwest corner of the resort," N answers methodically. "Sigilyph don't like being in the wind, and if I recall correctly, the southwest corner is somewhat more sheltered than the rest of the desert."

Touya groans internally. "Th-That's gonna be kinda a hike, though. Should we check the ruins first?"

"Sigilyph could be anywhere inside, though," N protests, and again he's marching through the dunes. "It'll take longer to explore through there than it will to look out here."

"Fair point," Touya sighs and chases after him. Trudging through all this sand is starting to get tiring, though. He knows the Relic Castle isn't much better on that front, though. He spent quite a bit of time there looking for a certain Pokémon, but after two days of no luck, he ended up leaving. He was getting disoriented in there anyway.

It's actually so disorienting out here that he managed to lose N in the few moments he's been thinking.

"N?" No answer. "N!"

Touya looks around through the sands, hoping to find even the slightest footprint, but there's absolutely nothing to go off. He's absolutely out of luck.

"Shit... N!" No answer. "God, damnit, I take my eyes off you for one second and I'm totally lost..."

_"San?"_

Touya turns to the bask of Sandile that have been following them, noticing that one has come up to his heels. "What do you want?"

_"Sandile."_ Ah, yes, that's very informative. Why is Touya trying to talk to wild Pokémon when he's getting sick from the heat?

"Okay." Touya takes another sip of water. Ground types don't usually need water to survive, but... "D-Do you want some?"

The nearest Sandile only cocks his head. _"Dile."_

"Okay, uh, I-I'll take that as a _no,_ then. Wh - "

_"San san!"_ Sandile actually turns his head up towards the pokéballs on Touya's belt.

"...I-I really don't know what you want me to do, here. Those are just my Pokémon."

_"Di!"_ The crocodile snaps at one of the balls, making Touya jump back.

"Woah, okay, no!" Touya reaches for the one he snapped at, which coincidentally happens to be Krookodile's ball. "W-Wait, do you wanna meet Krookodile?"

_"Saan!"_ Is that a _yes,_ or not? How does it even know which one is Krookodile? At any rate, Touya sends out Krookodile in hopes of getting these little critters under control.

_"Krook."_ Krookodile snaps at her smaller counterparts.

_"San san!"_

_"Krooko?"_

_"Sandile di."_

_"Korro?"_

_"Di!"_

Now he really wishes N were here. Krookodile looks back at him and nudges him forward.

"O-Okay, uh, w-where are we going?"

_"Krooko."_ Uh...

_"Sannnnn."_ The emphasis on the _N_ in that is an unusual vocalization for Sandile. Maybe -

"Oh, N?"

_"San san!"_ Sandile scuttles up to Touya, and Krookodile nods. Are they trying to get him back to N? That would be nice. Maybe he shouldn't have been so worried about them after all.

_"San sandile!"_ The one Sandile he's been dealing with momentarily goes back to the others, chattering among themselves and nudging their snouts together, until finally the rest of the bask departs into the desert. It seems like only this one is coming with him. Maybe...

"Do you remember N?"

_"Sandile!"_ The little crocodile scuttles eagerly ahead, followed easily by Touya. So that's what's going on here. It actually makes perfect sense that N's old Sandile would be here, but he's just impressed that he actually recognized that Touya would bring him to N - rather, Sandile is bringing Touya to N. This line of Pokémon have better luck finding people in this type of environment than Touya.

"N?" Touya calls into the desert. "N!" No luck.

_"Krook?"_ Touya looks at Krookodile, who's leaning over towards him.

"I-If you think you can drag me through here, y-yeah." Touya climbs onto her back. "D-Do you have an eye on Sandile?"

She flings the Sandile onto her back, which means he's really flung into Touya's face, and honestly that may as well happen. It's worth it for only a few minutes of desert travel.

"H-Hey, N!" That has to be his silhouette, a tall figure and a strangely shaped floating creature. There's a residual fear that this will be like every other time Touya has looked for N, every single hope and dream that he would find N would be whisked away in an instant, and suddenly Touya realizes it was moronic of him to let N out of his sight. "N!"

Touya has shouted that name in that tone of voice way too much.

"Touya! I found him!"

_"San sandile!"_

"What...?"

Touya hops off Krookodile's back with Sandile in his arms, rushing more easily through the gales of sand weakened by the sandstone shelter. "I-I figured out why those Sandile were following us around. Do you remember him?"

N's eyes light up as he takes Sandile from Touya. "You came to find me?"

_"San san!"_ Sandile looks up at Sigilyph. _"Dile?"_

_"Siii..."_ Sigilyph utters a strange noise that Touya, to this day, has never been able to describe.

_"Sandile!"_

N is grinning ear to ear, the kind of smile Touya could get used to seeing every day. "I'm happy you remember each other. I'm sorry I've been gone for so long."

A gale of sand hits Touya from over one of the lower rocks. "Do you think we can get out of the sand now?"

"Of course!" N motions for Touya to sit on the ground. That's better than the wind, at least.

_"Sannnnn..."_ Sandile curls up in N's lap happily, shutting his eyes and letting N rub his back.

"I'm happy to see you too," N smiles. "It's been awhile, hasn't it?"

_"San san!"_

"I missed you too. Would..." N still hesitates here, even after all his excitement, "would you like to come with me?"

_"Sandile!"_ Yeah, Sandile isn't wasting a second. Sigilyph remains silent, though.

"How about you?"

Sigilyph stares intently at N, uttering a low hum that Touya can't decipher. He seems to be glancing between N and the direction of the Relic Castle.

"I understand if you want to stay," N insists, though he sounds a little sad. "You don't need to come with me if you prefer it here. That's why I took you back here after we visited Nimbasa City."

Sigilyph's eyes (eye? eyes? Which ones are real?) lock on Touya for a moment. Despite the creature's unusual disposition, he feels an almost overwhelming sense of safety under its gaze. The two of them hold their impromptu staring contest for a few quiet moments.

"What is it?" Touya asks at last, more softly than he anticipated. Sigilyph looks back at N and hums.

"Well, we're friends," N answers the Pokémon's question. "We - "

_"Lyph."_

"I... yes, you could say that."

_"Sigil."_

"Um... well, yes, but..."

"What's wrong?" Touya asks. N wrings his hands.

"Nothing, nothing," N insists, but that has to be a lie. Sigilyph makes another haunting hum. "No, no, I just... I missed him."

Are they talking about Touya? They know he's sitting right here, right? Then again, he can't exactly decipher what they're saying anyway, since he can't hear Sigilyph's half of the conversation the way N can.

_"Gilyph."_

"That doesn't mean I wouldn't welcome you to come with me," N retorts, a bit hurt. "In fact, I came here just to see if you would want to join me. We spent many hours here talking about my goals. You were one of the ones who helped me realize the error of my ways."

Sigilyph looks back at Touya. _"Si."_

"Um..." How does he respond?

"Touya helped me too, yes, but - " Sigilyph cuts N off.

_"Sigily lyph."_

"But..." N trails off for a moment. "If you want to stay, that's okay, but don't think you're not welcome here. I-I know Touya has been protecting me too," wait, what? "but that doesn't mean you can't join us. We can all travel together, can't we?"

Sigilyph looks intently at Touya. "Wh-What is it?"

_"Lyph."_

"He wants to speak to you, but you can't hear his voice the way I can," N explains. "Do you have a psychic Pokémon who can help translate?"

"I-I mean, I have Reuniclus, but he's not really good at telepathic communication yet." _Yet,_ as if Touya is still trying to teach him. Reuniclus really just thrives on communicating through emotions rather than words.

"Sigilyph, I think that - " N is cut off by his ringing phone, which he hands to Touya. "It says it's Green. Can you talk to him please? We need to work this out."

Touya feels a pang of guilt. Maybe this wasn't as good of an idea as he thought. "R-Right, right."

_"San?"_ Sandile almost _eats_ the phone before Touya yanks it away.

"C'mon, don't eat this," he sighs and picks up.

"Hey, N, where're you guys?" Green asks, his voice a bit grainy from the wind.

"W-We, uh - oh, um, i-it's Touya, N is kinda busy with Sigilyph. W-We're kinda in the south-west corner of the resort. Where did you two go?"

"Oh, hey Tou. Y-Yeah, uh," he sounds a bit winded, "long story short, we found a Volcarona, but she's really hurt. I carried her out of the ruins 'cause we need to get her healed, but I dunno what'd be best for her. She's kinda..."

Carrying a giant moth would explain why he sounds a bit exhausted. "I-I have tons of healing items on me. Is it bad?"

"Yeah, yeah, really bad," Green confirms. "'cause she's hostile, though, I didn't wanna heal her and have her hurt herself more, you know?"

"Right, th-that sounds tough." N is whispering to Sigilyph now.

"How much d'you know about healing?"

"I-I mean, n-not more than you, I-I don't think. B-But, um," he adds, "N is really good at healing Pokémon with more natural remedies, s-so maybe he can help slowly heal her and calm her down. Do you have a rendezvous point in mind?"

"Yeah, we'll be by the coast. If y'all could swing up here, that'd be good. We'll be waiting."

"R-Right, we'll be right over."

"Gotcha. See ya."

Touya hangs up and looks back at N, who's fallen silent. "N? G-Green and Red need us. Th-They found a Volcarona that got hurt, a-and they need to heal her slowly s-so she doesn't strain herself."

N jolts at that and looks at Touya nervously. "Where are they? I think I know what might help, if you have some berries."

"Y-Yeah, I do. Um, they're out by the coast, so..."

N looks back at Sigilyph one more time. "Do you at least want to follow us to help Volcarona?"

Sigilyph rises up in anticipation, and with that, they're off through the desert again. Somehow, the trek doesn't seem as bad this time. Maybe it's a bit of adrenaline, or maybe it's because Touya is slightly sheltered by Krookodile. If he knew all he needed was a huge crocodile to get through the desert, he would've sent her out at the start.

It's getting dark by the time he finally sees Red and Green through the sand. He can only tell it's them because of the psychic shield Alakazam has around them, blocking the sandstorm.

"Hey. You brought a whole party, huh?" Green calls out over the wind, which is only getting stronger. "How're you holding up?"

"Could be worse," Touya answers. "Um, N, what did you..."

"Can I see what berries you have?"

"Yeah, here," Touya hands over his bag and sits in the sand behind Alakazam's barrier, inspecting the wounds on Volcarona. There are fainter bruises that seem to be a lot older, but she's mostly covered in fresh injuries. "Where did you find her?"

"Right at the bottom of Relic Castle," Green answers. "It gets hot as hell down there, as a fair warning. Red kinda passed out for a few minutes there."

Touya looks over at Red, who has his jacket only draped his shoulders. "A-Are you doing any better now?" Red nods a little, but is otherwise quiet. He still looks pretty pale. "W-We'll get back to Nimbasa for the night, I-I think. We should bring Volcarona to the Pokémon Center, anyway, right?"

"Right," N agrees. "I can heal her enough to keep her in a pokéball so we can safely get her out of here, but beyond that, a Center would be a good place to go." Oh wow, that's... it's weird to hear N suggest the use of a pokéball. "Did you do anything to help, Green?"

"I patched as many open wounds as I could find, but she hasn't woken up yet," Green explains. "Did Touya explain the situation? We went down and..."

Sigilyph floats up behind Touya, grabbing his attention. "O-Oh, hi." The Pokémon makes that strange trilling noise again. "I-I don't know what you want, s-so..."

"Wants to talk," Red almost whispers, barely loud enough to hear over the wind. At least he's not getting pelted with the sand right now.

"I-I know, N said that too, b-but if Sigilyph can't use telepathy, a-and neither can I, then..."

Red thinks for a moment, then sends Espeon out into the sand. The cat adjusts to her environment and looks at her trainer. _"Yes?"_

Red points to Sigilyph, then makes a few signs he doesn't recognize. Espeon understands and stands between Sigilyph and Touya.

_"What is it?"_ A harmony of strange trills and murmurs comes from Sigilyph, and Espeon nods. _"I see. Touya,"_ she turns to him, _"Sigilyph is worried that he may not be needed among N's team. He says if you're protecting N, he has no purpose. I'm not sure I agree, but..."_

_"Sigil..."_

_"We don't know that."_

Touya looks at the Pokémon with a guilty feeling in his chest. "Y-You know N _wants_ to be with you, right? I-It's not like... I-I mean," how does he say this? "it's not that N wants you for protection. H-He missed you as a friend."

_"Sii lyph."_

_"He didn't explain that part,"_ Espeon translates. _"Why not?"_

Touya shrugs. "I-I think it's because he's not used to keeping Pokémon. If I had to guess, Sigilyph," and the Pokémon turns to him, "I-I think he just didn't wanna pressure you. H-He was really happy when he reunited with his Zoroark, though, j-just... for reference. He'd be really happy if you wanted to go with him."

_"Besides, you can never have too many friends. Red has made and reunited with quite a few as of late."_ Red nods in agreement with Espeon.

Sigilyph stares at N while he finishes healing Volcarona just a little bit more. The moth is finally conscious, flapping her wings weakly against the sand.

"Alrighty, then," Green reaches into his bag, "lemme see what I can do here... oh, perfect!"

Touya sometimes forgets that there's specialized pokéballs, since he only ever uses the regular few, but a heal ball makes perfect sense for this endeavor. Green taps the ball to Volcarona's wing and captures her without incident.

"There we go," Green hums. "So, just about all of us have caught somethin' here, huh?"

"Everyone but me," Touya answers. "Red, what did you catch?"

"He caught a Yamask. A _shiny_ Yamask," Green answers, and Red nods after a second.

"W-Wait, how did you find a shiny Yamask?!"

"Don't ask us. Red didn't even know it was a shiny 'til _I_ pointed it out," Green replies, earning an annoyed glare from Red. "Red's a grade-A space cadet sometimes - but he's kinda sick from the heat, so that justifies it _this_ time."

_This_ time? Meaning that Red has found more shiny Pokémon? How is he that lucky? Touya is definitely jealous, because he spent those two days here looking for a shiny Yamask with absolutely no luck, and Red just happens upon one just like that. It's like Red is the protagonist of a video game or something.

"It's actually very kind of you to bring Yamask with you," N notes. "Shiny Pokémon are often rejected by their herds, and are much easier for other Pokémon to hunt. You've saved this one from a very rough life, Red."

Red nods again, slowly. He seems shaky.

"We really need to get out of here soon," Touya says. "W-We need to help Volcarona and Red get better."

"You're tellin' me," Green replies. "I almost had to carry both've them outta the ruins. We good to head into Nimbasa for one more night?"

"Th-That sounds good, yeah," Touya nods. "N, are you ready to head out?"

N looks sadly at Sigilyph, anticipating their departure. "I do need to leave again, unfortunately. I have to help take care of my friends."

_"Lyph?"_

"If you want to, I welcome you with open arms." Sigilyph floats around N methodically, hovering in a very particular pattern. Touya recalls Professor Juniper mentioning something about that habit, being the dance Sigilyph do when defending something dearly cherished. "It's okay if I catch you, then?"

_"Sigi."_ N digs through Touya's bag again. He's pretty used to sharing at this point, isn't he?

"Here, let's..." N is still uneasy in the moment, but when Sigilyph is captured in a bright ray of red light, he holds the pokéball close to his heart and smiles. "There we go."

_"Sandile?"_ Again, N digs into Touya's bag for another pokéball.

"Of course! We can travel wherever we want! Hold still, now..." Again, a crimson flash fills the space, and Sandile is also captured. "Thank you."

The last sentiment is whispered so gingerly. It's a feeling that Touya can't fully describe in words. It's -

_"Zam?"_ Alakazam is looking at Green impatiently.

"Yeah, I hear you. We all set?" Green asks. Red nods and recalls Espeon.

"Ready!" N cheers sweetly, happily, overjoyed in this gentle way that only he can convey. Touya hopes he can pass off this blush as a side effect of the heat.

"Let's bounce, then. We got healing to do." Green recalls Alakazam, and the barrier around them fades.

Sheltered by Krookodile one last time, Touya holds N's hand through the sand that feels a little softer now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> uhhhh hello i'm super exhausted from school this week and next week looks like it'll be just as bad ;u;  
> anyway here's the last of our desert excursion! N loves his friends and Touya loves ~~his N~~ his good friend N. unfortunately everyone is dying of heat and now they need to cool off  
>  honestly i like writing chapters where events are happening in tandem, it's something i did a lot with an older story i wrote that i kinda wanna do more often. tbh i just wanna write more often  
> also i'm realizing this is a chapter w actually a bunch of pokémon in it, so that's fun :0


	38. loss and loss and life itself

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's a wonder the moth is still alive. Touya wonders about the value of life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> real quick just wanna apologize for being gone for so long; school swamped me and i was anxious about replying to stuff without making more content bc i felt kinda guilty i guess ;u; so yeah. updates are gonna be sporadic, but i have the rest of the fic plotted and it will get written if it's the last thing i do (it wont be though) (i always want more of these good good boys)

The trek there feels particularly tense.

Touya isn't used to things like this. He's never had a Pokémon get this hurt before. He's always been very, very cautious with his teammates and opponents alike, refusing to let any of them get hurt to the point of having to be rushed to a Pokémon Center. Never has Touya run to a center for his Pokémon; no, he makes sure everyone is healthy enough that he can get them there safely, even if he gets held up for awhile. This wasn't anyone's fault, of course, but he still feels uneasy.

Touya looks back at Green, who holds the pokéball close to his chest. He looks pensive.

"A-Are you doing okay?" Touya asks quietly. Green seems to snap out of his thoughts.

"Huh? Oh, yeah, I'm fine. Just a little sore from walking through sand all day," Green answers. That doesn't explain why he's holding the pokéball, but Touya doesn't really need an explanation.

Touya looks at Red, silently asking him the same question. Red shrugs a little. _I guess,_ he seems to say. At least he's starting to recover from his heat exhaustion.

"You keepin' up, Red?" Green asks, and Red nods at him. "Good, good. Lemme know if you're gettin' too hot. You might as well send Articuno out if you start overheating again, huh?" Red quietly laughs a little and signs something he says to Green a lot, but Touya doesn't actually know what it means. "Yeah, yeah. It's not that ridiculous an idea, though."

Touya looks at N now, setting his focus on N's nervous expression. Of course N would be worried about Volcarona, that much is understandable. Touya is just worried that he's going to be unwell for awhile after this. The whole reason they're en route to Castelia City is because the Pokémon Center at Nimbasa didn't have the right resources to help Volcarona. Castelia's center isn't just a bigger complex; they specialize in bugs, being so close to Burgh's gym. Hell, maybe if they still don't have a good answer, Touya can just call Burgh in to help them out.

"What're you thinking about?" Touya ventures to ask. N hesitates at first.

"About... um... I'm just worried."

"We're gonna be in Castelia soon, and we'll get Volcarona taken care of there," Green insists. "Don't worry too much, okay? We're gonna make sure she gets better."

N nods, though he doesn't seem convinced. "I just worry when I see a Pokémon this hurt. I'm sure we're going to help her, but..."

"I've done this before," Green says, which is... a little worrying? There's comfort in that he apparently knows how to take care of a Pokémon in this state, but it's not great that he's had one get injured like this. Touya has seen Pokémon get pretty battered before on the news or in a Pokémon Center, but he's never dealt with one himself...

"Touya?"

He looks up at N. "What's up?"

"Do you think... um..." N walks a little slower, letting Red and Green pull ahead, and Touya stays by his side. "Do you really think she'll be okay?"

Touya sees Green flinch a bit, but he's pretending not to hear. "Of course. We just need to take her there as soon as we can, a-and she'll be fine."

N nods weakly.

"...something else is on your mind, huh?"

"I've seen Pokémon in that state before." Pause. "I regret not being able to give them the help they needed."

Oh. "It... wasn't your fault, you know."

"I know." N falls quiet at that. The air feels heavier around them, now.

Touya doesn't really know what to do now, is the issue. He knows that N doesn't like seeing Pokémon get hurt to this extent, but as to whether or not there's anything he can do to help him feel better, he's not entirely sure. It's not like he can really comfort N through something he doesn't totally understand, and he's under the impression that N probably doesn't want to get into the details. There's very, very few parts of N's childhood that he's comfortable sharing.

They reach the gate to Castelia City in relative silence, the terse atmosphere hurrying their excursion along. This isn't great. N is worrying, Green is tense, and Red is looking more anxious the closer they get to the city. Even Touya is feeling anxious, mostly because everyone else is uneasy, but also largely for Volcarona's safety. Is there even a way to heal her? Will she ever fully recover? It's not unheard of for Pokémon to die, and suddenly, Touya feels like he needs to take a few minutes to talk to his team and tell them how much they mean to him.

That could've been his Pokémon. He could lose them in the blink of an eye. That's what makes life so precious, he thinks, precious and terrifying. It's frightening that something could just... disappear, that someone could be there one moment and gone the next. It's these stories of near death experiences that make someone seem so much more precious; _you never know what you have until it's gone,_ or something like that. That's how Touya felt about N, really, when he almost gave up the ghost and went back to Unova. There was a time that he thought N had died, and when he thought he really, truly should have said something more before he left.

...he needs to steady himself.

"H-Hey, um," Touya says to no one in particular, "M-maybe after this, w-we can get something to eat...?"

"Oh, hell yeah," Green grins back at him. "You got any favorites around here? There were like, thirty places people kept telling me about at PWT last year, and I only got around to four of 'em."

"Y-Yeah, Castelia is kinda like that," Touya nods. "I-I can bring us to this little sushi place actually, th-they have some really good food there. D-Don't, um, th-there's no rush, though."

Green nods. "Yeah, we kinda can't rush this stuff. If it takes too long, we can order pizza and try to get down to sushi town later. I bet we could - hey, Red..."

Red is stopped in his tracks a few feet behind the group, with that deer-in-headlights look about him again. Castelia City is enormous, yes, but somehow Touya doesn't think leaving Red out here is a good idea.

"Come on, Red. We're gonna get right to the Center, okay?"

No answer. Touya approaches him as carefully as he can.

"W-We need to make sure Volcarona gets healed as soon as possible, okay?" Touya says quietly to Red, and that seems to actually snap him out of his daze. He still looks nervous, but he does move along with them now. Touya should try to keep an eye on Red, though. The heat is probably still messing with him. He seems off.

"So, the Center's in front of the bay, right?" Green asks. "Is that directly down from here?"

"Y-Yeah, um, w-we're gonna keep going south until we see the docks," Touya nods. The north circle is always pretty clean, but the road ahead is going to be a bit of a nightmare to navigate. "The Pokémon Center is a bit more east, b-but... h-here, I'll lead the way. Um, y-you might wanna put Volcarona's pokéball somewhere safe, though. I-It..." _It gets really busy,_ but that'll make Red nervous, "it's a pretty long stretch of road."

Touya takes N's hand before they get onto the main boulevard, weaving through the crowds of people as they make their way toward the Pokémon Center. It's surprising that the streets are still flooded, even after the evening rush hour. Touya has to wonder if maybe some of them have the job of just making the city feel fuller.

"Are you still with me?" Touya calls behind him. He knows N is still here, the warmth of his hand keeping him grounded through the busy crowd.

"We're here," Green answers over the commotion. Good. Now they just have to keep up with him.

It takes a little longer to reach the Pokémon Center, but when they finally get in, Touya is pleasantly surprised to see it's fairly empty. There's a few people milling around, settling down for the night or perusing the market, but there's thankfully no one else in an emergency state.

"Hello there," Nurse Joy greets the group, smiling as pleasantly as always. "How can we help you today?"

"We have a Volcarona in pretty bad shape," Green answers. "We found her covered in bruises from blunt force trauma. We got her healed up enough to catch her, but that's all we could manage. I could gather that she was doing this to herself, so she might still be aggressive."

Joy's expression drops to one of worry. "Let me have a look at her. I'll take her in back and see if - "

"If I could go with her, that'd be appreciated," Green adds quickly. "I have some experience in this specific kind of trauma."

"I would also be willing to help, if you want any more assistance," N adds, speaking with a bit of a performative confidence. It's more than he's had as of late, though. Touya understands N's nervousness about being back in Unova, but even a fake bravery makes him proud.

Still, Touya is a little disappointed when N's hand leave his. The comfort was very, very welcomed in this situation.

"Yes, of course," Joy nods. "Follow me. We'll inspect her and decide on what plan of action to take from here. When it comes to bug types, it's typical for..."

Their voices fade as the three of them disappear into the back room. Touya is left outside with Red.

"Uh... do you wanna sit down somewhere?" Touya asks. Red hesitates at first, but then nods. Touya leads him over to the chairs and table tucked comfortably in the corner. 

Touya mulls over the possibilities in his head. There's really only one of three options; she heals, she's stabilized, or she dies. He doesn't really want to consider any of them, admittedly. He refuses to get his hopes up, but he refuses to imagine the worst. Even stabilizing wouldn't be the best fate, because if the Volcarona never fully heals, she may never be able to fly properly again, and that's just... sad, that's tragic. His mind wanders briefly to Alder's Volcarona from many years ago. He has to wonder what happened to it, if there was anything that could have been done. Of course, Alder cherished the Pokémon, but he was able to move on. Touya wonders if N and Green would be able to move on, too.

N is... N. He's sentimental, emotional, he's empathetic to a painful fault and he's sometimes too idealistic. It always struck Touya as odd that the dragon that embodies ideals didn't choose N, actually. It's this idealism that makes him think N might have his heart broken tonight. If Volcarona dies... no, that would be bad for everyone. As for Green, Touya has no idea. He obviously doesn't handle loss well; Green was a wreck without Red. While Touya never met Green before his friend's disappearance, he knows now that Green really only thrives in the company of his rival. The loss of the friend is one thing, but the loss of a Pokémon... unless they are the same...

His head hurts trying to figure this all out. He may as well ask someone with a better idea of what's going on in Green's head, right?

"...hey, Red?"

Red looks up and makes a sign that Touya thinks is _what?,_ or something adjacent.

"When, um," maybe this is kinda personal, but he'll give it a shot, "when Green said he's dealt with this before, what did he mean?"

Red sits quietly for a moment before pulling out his phone, typing something down. He's... he's typing a lot, actually, or maybe reworking his thoughts. Touya supposes that's one benefit of communicating with a bit of a delay.

[it was his Raticate.]

...for all the typing, that's one short message. "Yeah?"

Red carries on, writing a little more this time.

[he let Raticate push himself. i think they were frustrated when i beat them one time. Raticate are naturally prideful Pokémon and don't like to show weakness. i think he was still hurt, but Green let him keep training. he was young and he didn't know any better. he didn't see the warning signs. he couldn't have. he was 10. he didn't know. i wouldn't have even known.]

"Oh."

[i dunno exactly what happened though. he doesn't like to talk about it.] Red pauses for Touya to read, then adds, [i think that's why he's hellbent on helping Volcarona. Raticate died from blunt force.]

Touya nods solemnly. That's... heavy. That makes this so much more meaningful in the worst possible way; the meaning isn't bad, no, it's just bad that Green is struggling with memories of a Pokémon he lost. His thoughts return to Alder again. He wonders if he ever has moments like these, if he thinks about his own Volcarona's death when he looks at another hurt Pokémon, despite having more or less moved on. Touya can't even imagine losing Galvantula, or Reuniclus, or Samurott - god, never Samurott, they've been together since the beginning. How would he even begin to move on? How has Green moved on? _Has_ he moved on?

"I'm sorry that happened," Touya whispers, because what else can he say?

Red shrugs a little. [he's been okay about it for awhile now. sometimes he just thinks about it when things like this happen and he helps the Pokémon. he doesn't linger much.] Pause. [usually he just finds something to work on to distract himself.]

Touya nods. "I-I kinda noticed that about him. W-When we met, when he was gonna start helping me with the Plasma case, h-he kinda... I-I didn't expect him to throw himself into the work so quickly. I-I just thought that was kinda how he is."

[he likes distractions.]

How... How often does he _need_ a distraction, though? Does he need to overwork himself?

"H-He's been relaxing a little lately, at least."

[i came back]

Red begins typing quickly now, almost frantically. The message is a mess of a heart spilled on a screen.

[i feel bad. i shouldnt have even left but i was gone for a long time, and crystal said he got too upset and too overwhelmed and he started overworking himself because he didnt want think about me anymore and i shouldnt have let that happen to him. and he let raticate overwork himself before and it got him killed and i think green will be safe but sometimes i think im going to get him hurt and i dont want to i want to help him and make him happy because i love him and i don;t ever want to see him sad again i want to be helpful]

Touya reads the message twice over, trying to place punctuation in to parse the rant. The phrase that leaps out at him is the _because i love him_ slipped in there, seemingly unconsciously. Now... probably isn't the time to confront him about that though. 

"You do make him happy, you know," Touya says. "I-I never really saw him in a good mood until you came back. H-He could be pleasant, b-but... something was missing. He always smiled when he talked about you, you know."

Red blushes slightly. [so did N. he told me a lot about you and he was always grinning eat to ear and talking about all the stuff he wanted to do and all the places he wanted to visit with you when you came back]

_When you came back,_ as if N was the one who was where he was supposed to be. Touya feels a pang of something unsettling surge through him.

"I'm glad," is how he chooses to answer. "I-I mean, I'm glad he was happy."

[is]

Touya grins a bit. "Yeah. Is."

"Touya," N calls, peeking out from behind the door frame, "can you come back here?"

"Y-Yeah, I'll be right there." Touya heads toward the back room, followed shortly by Red. He _thinks_ Red is following, anyway. He's too nervous to really process much outside information anymore. He's worried that maybe it was too late. Why else would N call him in?

"Thank you for coming back here," Joy sighs a little, relieved. "I was told you own an Audino, right? Would you be willing to let her out to help Volcarona?"

Oh. "Y-Yeah, of course." Touya feels around for Audino's pokéball. He did remember to switch her back in after the World Tournament, in fact. He specifically keeps her on his travel team to help heal his other partners, in case of an emergency. She's quite resilient, and her endurance means she can heal the whole team, more or less. He tries to not let that happen, though. He - 

He tries not to overwork her.

_"Audi?"_ Touya's Audino look up at him curiously, then at the other two Audino in the - wait, two?

"Alright, everyone," Joy stands by the Audino with a nurse cap. "On three, we're all going to use Heal Pulse on Volcarona, alright? One, two, three!"

On their cue, the three healer Pokémon begin emanating waves of pink and gold energy, focusing their shockwaves as directly on Volcarona as possible. The moth feebly flaps her wings in response, murmuring quietly to herself.

"Who does the other Audino belong to?" Touya asks.

"That'd be mine," Green answers. "I found her out by the Abundant Shrine the other day. I've been getting her up to speed with healing since then, which was pretty good timing, I'd say."

Touya nods, then looks at N. He looks like he might cry.

"I-If you wanna step outside for a minute, you can," Touya offers. N shakes his head.

"I'm just..." oh no, his voice is strained, "listening to her. She's struggling."

"I can see that," Joy nods calmly. "That's why we have our Audino healing her. It's going to take some time, but she's going to recover eventually. It may take some physical therapy sessions, though."

"What's our ETA, then?" Green asks, almost clinical. Touya supposes a researcher needs to be a bit indifferent - no, not indifferent, just not overwhelmed with emotion.

"Four weeks, if the Heal Pulse therapy works out for us. Otherwise, we may be looking at closer to eight weeks." Joy looks at Green. "Do you intend to keep her? You said you just found her in the Desert Resort, right?"

"Yeah, I'm keeping her," Green nods. "I just gotta figure out if she can ever battle or not. I don't wanna push her past her limit."

_He let Raticate push himself._ Everything makes a little more sense now.

"I wouldn't try it," Joy replies. "Volcarona has sustained injuries from recently, but she almost certainly has fractures beyond the broken bones we found. It seems like she got the injuries years ago and never got the proper treatment for them."

"Heal Pulse won't cover that, then," Green concludes.

"No, no," she shakes her head. "It's meant to heal her current injuries more rapidly than unnatural healing methods. Whatever injuries aren't recent will take some time to heal. While Heal Pulse can improve her ability to recover, it isn't going to do much in the way of whatever she's dealt with in years gone by."

N tugs Touya's sleeve, pulling his attention away from Volcarona. "Yeah?"

"I'm going to step out for a moment," N whispers so quietly that Touya almost doesn't hear him.

"D-Do you want me to come with you?"

N shakes his head. "I'll only be a minute."

With that, he walks out into the lobby. Touya looks back at Volcarona with a bit of a sigh. She looks almost calm now, though. Whether that's a good sign remains to be seen.

"I'm assuming that means no breeding, either," Green adds. "If her body is already this strained, she'll probably be more of a domestic 'mon."

"Yes," Joy nods. "I'm sorry there's not more we can do."

"Don't be sorry. I'm just glad we can get her fixed up. That means more than anything."

Touya looks nervously at his Audino, watching as her expression falters from focus to stress. "Can they let up for just a minute? I think my Audino needs a quick break..."

"Just one more minute," Joy answers.

He looks back at Audino. She's pushing herself.

"And... Break."

Audino lets out a sigh of relief, and Touya kneels next to her. "You did great, honey. Just rest for a minute, o-okay? Do you want some water?"

_"Di di,"_ Audino nods. Touya reaches for his bag, only to realize he left it outside. That was a great idea.

"I-I'll be right back, my bag's outside." With that, Touya hops off the ground and quickly makes his way over to the chair where his bag is sitting. N is in the chair adjacent to it.

"I'll be back in a moment," N says when he sees Touya. "I just needed some air."

"Th-That's alright," Touya insists. "I-If you wanna stay out here, you can. I-I just needed to grab my bag - I-I mean, I need water for Audino."

"Ah." N stands up, bringing the back the rest of the way to Touya. "Here. I'd be happy to accompany you back in."

Touya grins at him. "Thank you. I-If you need a little more time, though..."

"No, I'm okay," N shakes his head. "I want to help."

"Y-You've been really helpful already," Touya says. "I-I'm sure it means a lot to Volcarona."

"I can only hope so," N sighs a little. "It's hard to hear her."

"She'll get better soon," Touya insists. "Then it'll be easy to talk to her."

"Welcome back," Green greets the two of them when they enter the room. "Did you leave Red out there?"

"What?" Touya passes the water to Audino, then looks around the small room. He suddenly realizes Red isn't actually in here.

Red is missing.

_Oh god Red is missing -_

No, no, no, this is bad, this is bad, this is really really bad. He let this happen, he _let_ this happen, he didn't bother to see if Red was still with him because he was worried about Volcarona, he valued one life over another and that was the biggest fucking mistake he could have possibly made. All this thinking about _I couldn't even imagine losing any of them,_ and he let someone get lost, he let Red run, he let him run off in fucking _Castelia City_ and _there's no way I can find him no no no -_

"Touya?"

N, that's N, but his voice still sounds distant and not quite like himself, as if his head is underwater and everything is muffled by the pressure and drowning drowning _no no no no -_

"I'm okay," which is an automatic response, autopilot. He's not okay. "Are you?"

"I... Yes, I am," N nods, or at least, Touya thinks he does. He can't quite see whatever isn't in his immediate frame of view. He can't even turn his head.

"Red?" Green calls, calls the name of a ghost, the name of someone that Touya let out of his sight and now he's gone. Touya can blearily see Green turn around, looking through the room as if Red might just appear.

He doesn't.

"Fuck..." The panic is less evident in Green's voice, very much there but quiet enough to seem like his head is above the waves.

"I-I'm sorry," Touya whispers through his terror. "I thought he was..."

"Stay with Volcarona," Green instructs, handing her pokéball to N - not Touya, not the one who lost Red. "I'm gonna get him."

"What's going on?" Joy asks, concern evident in her voice.

"His friend is missing," N informs her. "He doesn't usually like being away from Green, so it's worrisome that he left on his own. Green is going to make sure he's okay."

"I see..." Volcarona's wings flap more feebly than before. "We need to keep going, though. N, would Green be okay if you took charge of his Audino for now?"

"I'm sure he wouldn't mind," N nods. "He wanted to help Volcarona in the first place, after all. Touya, are you ready?"

Touya nods, though his vision is blurry, unfocused. He let this happen. He let Red run. N could run just as easily. Volcarona could die because of him now. Everything can come undone, and it would be entirely his fault. He could lose everything.

He could lose _everything._

_"Audi...?"_ Audino tugs at Touya's pant leg.

"Heal Pulse."

Touya's voice feels too light in his throat, but his head is heavy with premonitions of the worst.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "hey ghostscribe welcome back" thanks! here's some angst and contemplating death for yall!  
> i haven't had much energy or _any_ time to actually write so getting this out was really therapeutic ;u; i've missed these boys! nd now they're all having a ~~actually kinda bad~~ great time!  
>  i do kinda wonder about death in the pokémon universe sometimes. i haven't seen the anime but iirc, there's an episode with a stoutland dying of just natural causes or something, and i wonder like... what is that lifespan? how bad would a pokémon have to be hurt to die? that would be bad and upsetting but like, it's obviously very possible?? and none of these boys seem to cope well with loss so they're all a little on edge here lol  
> except for Red, who's more or less still kinda in the clouds. he's still just worried abt Green and honestly with the effects of heat exhaustion not being fully treated just yet, who knows if he even totally realizes there's a Volcarona in need of help.   
> where did he go? who knows! find out next time on "gay pokémon boys just need to confess but the author said slow-burn and means it 100%"  
> (also thanks for being patient w me not updating ;u; it's been hectic in my corner of the world aaaaaa)


	39. yours, yours, him and the blame

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Green knows that Red is his responsibility. He also knows he hates neglecting his responsibilities more than anything.

No sign of him. 

Green takes a moment to just breathe, breathe in and consider every little corner of the impossibly huge city where Red could possibly be hiding. It has to be an anxiety issue, right? He wouldn't just run off, would he? It doesn't make sense that he would just disappear for no reason; not to mention he's sick right now. God, Green got so caught up in trying to heal Volcarona that it slipped his mind that Red never got properly treated for the heat exhaustion. Red was a little unsteady, but he didn't seem too stressed. If he was that uneasy, it should have been more apparent. He just seemed fine, though, he - 

_He seems fine! Why should I worry?_

Because, not unlike a certain rat Green used to have, he recalls that Red is actually quite a good actor. 

Green takes off toward the docks, not quite running, but letting the world rush past him as he scans every inch of scenery. This is a quieter spot of Castelia, where the volume diffuses the noise, so its not unlikely that Red would be here. On the other hand, he could've gotten disoriented and tried to run back towards the north circle, through crowds of people and endless noise. If he panicked in that space though, he would - 

_He was your responsibility._

Fuck. 

"Red?" 

No answer. 

He needs to gather himself. Red is going to be fine. He knows more or less how to take care of himself - no, if he's still disoriented and overheated, he's going to struggle at every turn. He can only hope Red had the sense to send out Espeon to help him navigate, but if that ends up being the case, she'll be furious with Green. At least Red would be safe, though. He's going to be okay. He has to be okay.

_How could you let him do this to himself?_

This time, Green _did_ let this happen. He feels sick now.

Green walks along the row of docks more slowly now, scanning every swarm of people for any hint of his rival. He knows he told Red to head back towards one of the gates of Castelia in case he wasn't feeling well, but something tells him that the words never got into Red's head all the way. In this state, it's doubtful that he even fully processed Green was talking to him. In that case, he has no clue where his rival went. He should've been keeping a better eye on Red. Green knows damn well that he has this habit, he knows that he's consistently been considering another escape - of course he is, he always is, it's always in his eyes. Red is a solitary adventurer by nature, and Green's even momentary disregard for this let him run away again. 

He looks at his map of Unova and ponders where the nearest mountain is. Nothing could be as harsh as Mount Silver, but that doesn't mean he wants Red to go into a subarctic climate in just a short sleeve jacket again. That seems to be his specialty, unfortunately. If he's not in Castelia or the surrounding wilderness, he probably flew off with Charizard.

"Near Icirrus..." he muses to himself. There is - was - an active gym up there. Maybe he could call in and see if they've - well, no, because Red wouldn't willingly go into a crowded gym, right? He knows a few gym leaders like to train on that mountain, but on the other hand, he doesn't think any of them would see Red if he's trying to run away. He knows how to hide. Red certainly knows how to hide.

Green, unfortunately, has never been good at hide-and-seek.

He tries to call Red, to no avail. As to why he didn't do that sooner, he doesn't know, but it seems like he's out of luck either way. Red wouldn't pick up if he couldn't speak anyway. 

[Red hey where'd you go???]

[i'm tryin to catch up to you stay put]

No answer. Of course. He's getting frantic.

Green has a few options from here, none of which immediately find Red, all of which makes his heart race with the fear that he's just gone. He can go into the heart of Castelia, out towards the north circle, or east towards Skyarrow Bridge; that leads out to a forest, if he recalls correctly. Red would be fine there. He'd be safe and comfortable there. 

_I've felt like it was_ my _fault since the day you left, and that's fucking me up right now, okay?!_

Words keep throwing themselves at him, and he can't even fight them. It _is_ his fault this time. 

Green's mind reels again, through fears he doesn't want to fear and memories he doesn't want to remember. He _knows_ it was his fault, thank you very much, and he sure as hell doesn't need that reminder now. He doesn't need his own paranoia being relived and replayed and confirmed, he doesn't need to hear accusatory voices echoing in his head about _he was your responsibility_ _,_ he knows he fucked up -

Green needs to do something. If he doesn't, he'll just go insane. 

He makes his way carefully through the far west alley, scanning each building and considering where Red could have tried to hide. There's mostly office buildings and shady coffee shops that probably double as brothels, rows of dumpsters and dark windows spanning hundreds of meters high. There's no way Red would -

Gym. 

Burgh's gym is nestled cozily into a hole in the wall. No, it wouldn't be Red's first choice to duck into a gym, but on the other hand, there's plenty of Pokémon in there. If Red came down this way, the gym would be his only grounding place. If nothing else, maybe he would come by here to challenge the gym and steady himself. Is he thinking that straight if he's still out of it, though? He can't be in his right mind if he ran away from Green, unless Red decided he doesn't like Green anymore, and he wants to go back to his mountain. 

_You didn't bring him home._

Except he did, and Red himself made that loud and clear. They talked about this. They talked about it for a long time. Green knows he did _something_ to bring Red home. He did. Now he just has to keep doing whatever that _something_ is, he needs to keep bringing him home, he let him get away this time but he won't let this happen again. 

Finally, Green breathes out. How long has he been holding his breath?

"Welcome to the Castelia City Gym!" the doorman greets, enthusiastic as ever. A person needs to be energetic to work at a gym, Green notes. 

"Hey, I'm the Viridian City Gym Leader, Green Oak," he introduces himself quickly, matter of factly, and suddenly he feels himself slip into the workaholic tone he carried when Red was on Mount Silver and he just wanted that pain out of his head. "I need to speak with Burgh, we," and somehow he can't get Red's name out of his mouth, "we're having a situation with a Volcarona in the ICU right now."

That's not a lie, but unfortunately, that's not his biggest concern right now. 

"Oh, geez, um," the doorman pauses, looking around as if the answer might appear on a wall, "well, we have someone up there right - "

"She's in a critical state."

"Yes, but - "

"I'd rather not wait and let her die."

"Okay, um..." he glances around one more time. "Go around the back of the cocoon over there, there's a stairwell up to Burgh's studio. All I ask is that you wait until he's done battling if his challenger is still there. Someone came by and..."

Green waves the man off without bothering to hear the rest of the thought. He practically sprints up the stairs now. 

If Red isn't here, then he isn't here. If Red is still in Castelia, then Burgh should be able to help find him. It's customary for a gym leader to know every inch of their city, no matter how large or how small. Castelia is huge, yes, but it's likely that there's enough surveillance in the city for safety's sake that they could spot Red on at least one of the cameras. Then again, Red has a way of eluding everyone's gaze... If Burgh can't find him, then he can't find him. If Red isn't in Castelia, then they'll find out soon enough, and Green will be able to check in the surrounding areas. 

And if Red isn't there, Green doesn't know what he'll do. He's never known what to do without Red. 

"...out in the desert, huh?" Burgh is talking about something in there, maybe even talking to himself. From the bits and pieces Green has learned about him, he might even be talking to his paint brushes. "Ah, yes, yes. Don't lose hope though, okay? Hope is never lost. Keep it in your heart and do your best." Another pause, longer this time. "That does sound pretty rough. I'm sure she'll be just fine, though. She's in good hands, yes? Do you want me to give her a look?"

He's not talking to himself, is he?  Green knocks on the door. 

"Come on in!"

Green opens the door and feels a wave of relief shatter him. 

Red is swaying slightly, looking too pale for himself, his hair is more of a mess than usual and he has paint on his fingers. His handwriting is swept across the paint-splattered walls in green with the same essence its always had, shy and tentative yet adventurous, curious. 

_we need help for volcarona_

_found her in the desert and she's really hurt_

_green is worried she won't make it_ (Green never said this, but it seems like Red can always read him like an open book.)

_blunt force lots of breaks dunno how to help_

So no, Burgh wasn't talking to himself. It clicks now that Red didn't text him back because he doesn't have his phone with him. Otherwise, he wouldn't be finger painting on the walls. Green bets he has his Pokédex, though. Priorities.

"You need to carry your phone with you Red, you know that?"

Looking dizzy, Red nods. He signs out something sloppily that's probably supposed to mean _sorry,_ but it's hard to read right now. 

"Nice to see you, Green," Burgh greets him with that lazy, soothing grin. "You came to ask about Volcarona, too?"

"That, and to find Red."

"Ah." He glances at Red now. "You didn't tell him you were getting help?"

Red blinks twice, trying to reorient himself, it seems. _thought i did_ , he writes on the wall. 

"Well, you didn't, and I've been worried sick about you." Green's voice almost catches in his throat. _Do you know how worried I've been about you?_

"It's an easy mistake to make," Burgh hums in Red's defense, handing Red a towel to wipe the paint off his hands. "Let's go get this lil' buggy taken care of, shall we? It's well past my gym's bedtime anyway."

"Right," Green nods. "It's too humid in here for you anyway, Red." He's not sure how long Red has been in here, but being in a hot, sticky room filled with paint and bugs probably isn't helping him recover any faster. With a nod, Red drops the now paint-covered towel and darts back down the stairs, with Green following on his heels. 

_He's my responsibility._  

"What were you thinking?" Green snaps between hurried breaths as they run. "You could've told me where you were going, dummy. I thought you just ran off!" 

Red skips another four stairs down to landing below; even when he's not feeling well, his mountain climbing experience makes it easy to make those unnecessary leaps. ( _Wasn't thinking.)_

"Clearly. I'm gonna put you in a freezer when we get back to the center so you can cool down."

"Put him in a freezer?" Burgh parrots, concerned. 

"He got heat exhaustion since we left the Desert Resort and hasn't cooled down enough since then." Pause. "Partially ‘cause I've been absent-minded. That's part of why I wanna get him outta here. Heat's good for bugs, not Red."

Red shakes his head and signs messily again, something like _(Didn't want any worry)_ or ( _Didn't want you to worry_. _)_ He darts off before Green can get a clear answer out of him, though. 

"He's not doing too well, then?" Burgh asks, keeping up with Green. Red is just ahead of them. He's still here, still in sight. 

"No. I should've gotten him taken care of first and left Volcarona with Joy, but - "

"Does he not know what to do?"

"Definitely not. Red can only take care of himself if he's on a mountain."

"Is he going back at any point?"

Green's heart sinks. "I hope not."

Red is too far ahead, and thankfully he seems to actually notice he's faster, so he skids to a stop. He does lose his balance for a second, skidding ahead and landing steadily another meter back. 

"You're gonna need to lay down real soon, Red," Green sighs. Red only shrugs. "I'm not holding your funeral any time soon."

"Just lay down with a nice ice type Pokémon," Burgh suggests. "They can be awfully cuddly for how chilly they are. Brycen's Beartic gives the best hugs, you know."

Green's mind swings to Articuno. Honestly, having the bird out and wrapped around Red would be cooler than any freezer would be. Articuno's mere presence in a room should help, he thinks.

"Well, when we get back to the center, I'll show you where Volcarona is, then I'll get Red settled in. N can tell you what's going on with her physically."

"N? Is he back?"

"He came back with Touya, yeah."

"I see," Burgh hums. "I guess I didn't consider why Touya came back, more than the fact that he did. I'm glad he finally found who he was looking for. Being separated for that many years is painful."

Oh, Green knows that all too well. 

Again, Red skids and stumbles to a stop just outside the Pokémon Center, letting the gym leaders catch up. Green locks his hand around Red's wrist the second he reaches him, refusing to let Red wander off anymore. It's bad enough that he let him run away. It would be worse to just let it happen _again_. 

_He's my responsibility._

"So, where is the little moth?" Burgh asks softly as they enter the building, keeping calm for both her and (possibly) Green's sake. 

"She's back in the ICU," Green answers, explaining as he totes Red along. "We found her late this afternoon in the Desert Resort. We - "

"You haven't slept since then?"

Pause. "Uh, no."

"Go do that as soon as you can," Burgh insists. "Sorry, I just want to make sure you're practicing self-care. Do go on, though."

Green nods a little. When tasked with taking care of your best friend your whole life, _self care_ is a little foreign. "Uh, so we found her in the Relic Castle totally unconscious. The majority of her wounds that I could find at a glance are from blunt force trauma. Joy said some of the injuries are from some years back, so while we have her on Heal Pulse therapy, that's only gonna do so much. I know about this kind of trauma," and again, he wishes he didn't, "but not to this extent, and I dunno as much about bug types as you do."

Burgh nods quietly along, entering the ICU with soft footfalls. "Is she conscious?" 

"She was when I left."

"She's awake right now, but she's drifting," Joy informs Burgh, keeping tabs on the moth's pulse. 

"Is she concussed?"

"We're trying to determine that now. If she is, she's already slept on a concussion. They found her unconscious."

"Ah." Burgh lifts one of her wings up to see her face, moving so gently that it seems like he's using some kind of telekinesis. "Hello, there." 

_"Vol..."_ Looks like she's actually vocalizing a bit more now. That's progress, he thinks. Maybe - 

Touya tugs lightly on Green's sleeve in a way that usually only Red does, disorienting him for half a second. "What - Oh, what's up?"

"S-Sorry about, um," Touya starts, his voice strained and almost too quiet to hear, "a-a-about losing track of, um, of Red."

"Hey, it's not your fault. B'sides," Green adds, "Red's the one who flagged Burgh down for us. He's gonna get her taken care of, I'm sure of it."

"R-Right." Touya seems unconvinced somehow.

"You good?"

"Um... yeah. I'm..."

Red tries to pull away, and Green tightens his grip on his wrist. "Uh-uh. Where do you think you're going?"

Red flaps his free hand, and now it clicks that Red can't fully communicate one-handed. Green lets Red's wrist fall out of his grip, and the age old fear of _if I can't feel you there, you're still on Mount Silver and I'm about to wake up from a dream_ sneaks back into his mind.

_(Touya nervous mad. At Touya mad.)_ Okay, his grammar is really sloppy right now. That's bad.

"Hey, Tou, I'm not mad, okay?" Green gently assures him, throwing any lead-in out the window. "You didn't do anything wrong. You're helping Vol, and that's all you gotta focus on right now, 'kay?"

"Right." Touya is just a little bit more steady. Before Green can try to make any more amends, he feels Red's weight on his shoulder. He's actually about to pass out.  "D-Do you want help with - "

"Burgh, I'm gonna get Red sorted, okay?" Green blurts out. Burgh hums to Green in response. "And Touya, I appreciate it, but we'll be good. You should stay back here in case they need Audino again. I'll let you know if I need anything. You're doin' great, though, okay?" Touya nods a bit. "Oh, N?"

"Yes?" N looks over at Green, seeming a bit more steady than when he left him. At least someone is calm. 

"Keep my Audino with you for now, so she can help Volcarona. I'm gonna get Red settled down."

"You can use one of the inpatient rooms across the hall, if you need to rest for the night. The first room on the right should be open." Joy informs the two. 

"Gotcha, thanks. C'mon, Red."

Red's pace is usually very light, quick and a little bit apprehensive. He used to walk on his toes as a kid; he probably only got out of the habit when he realized that doesn't work on a mountain. Still, it seems weird to feel Red walking clumsily along. At no point did Green have his arm around Red in the desert - way too hot, obviously - but even in the sand, he seemed light for most of the travel. Sometimes he moves like a ghost.

Sometimes he feels like a ghost. 

"Hey, Red?" Green starts as he closes the door to the room. No answer. "Red."

"Mm..." It's better than nothing, but...

"Are you okay, Red?"

His eyes are shut. He seems like he's trying to nod, but mostly he just looks like he's wavering with vertigo. 

"Do you have Articuno on hand?" he asks quietly. "You should let it out to cool the room down for you. I know Pokémon Centers are already pretty cool, but you're kinda a special case right now, huh?"

No answer.

"Red, can you say something?"

"Ngh..." No, he doesn't like to hear that, but -

"I just need to know you're here." His voice shudders when he says the line. 

"m'ere." His voice is a little rougher than usual, probably from running back here. His words are slurred, though. 

"Where's Articuno, Red?" Little steps, little steps.

"Pok'ball. In th'bag."

"Can you let Articuno out?"

Red whines again, but he feels around for - wait, where is his bag?

"D'nno where th'bag is."

"Did you leave it in the lobby?" 

"Leave'n... what?" 

Well, Green will just have to check for himself. "Stay _right_ here, okay? I'll be right back."

Green darts out into the lobby, spotting Red's backpack on a chair nestled into the corner of the space. He grabs it and darts back into the room in under a minute.

"Is your phone in here, too?" Green asks, a little breathless when he enters the room again.

"Prob'ly." 

He sighs a little. "Try to keep that in your pocket from now on, okay? If you run off, I wanna be able to find you more easily."

"'dex's in there."

"You have multiple pockets, Red."

"Ugh." Green grins a little at him. It's just like Red to fuss when he knows he's wrong.

"Articuno's in this one, right?" Green hands Red an ultra ball with a little snowflake sticker placed on the button, faded and peeling after years of wear. 

"Mhm."

"Wanna let it out?"

"Mhm." He makes no move to do anything, though.

"...Red."

It takes another second for Red to actually hit the release on the pokéball, but when he does, the room immediately drops about twenty degrees celsius. Little crystals of frost creep across the window sill, a haunting reminder of the power this legendary creature holds.

_"Cuu..."_ Articuno glances around the room, immediately noticing that something isn't quite right. It sneaks over to Red's side and nudges him with its beak. 

Red, in turn, falls over onto the bed.

"Red?!"

"'m fine," he whines. "Just wanna lay down."

"Jeez..." Green still finds himself rushing to Red's side. "I thought you passed out."

"Wanna."

"Is it safe to sleep if you have heat exhaustion?" Green sits on the bed near Red's head.

"Prob'ly."

"Lemme look that up before you - "

"It's not a c'ncussion," Red mumbles. 

"Yeah, but - " Green loses his train of thought when Red lays his head in his lap. "Um..."

"'t's fine."

_"Arti."_ Well, if a legendary bird agrees, it's probably okay. Articuno is pretty intuitive. If he really wants a second opinion, he can bring Espeon out, but he doesn't want her to grill him for letting Red get sick. He feels guilty enough as it is. 

_He's my -_

"Should get dinner."

"Hm?" Green looks down at Red. "It's pretty late, Red. You might just wanna sleep, and we'll get a big breakfast tomorrow."

"Mean t'morrow." 

"Yeah, we'll get dinner tomorrow."

"Mm..." Red yawns quietly. "Th'n it's a date."

Oh.

"Wait, what?" 

"Date."

Green feels himself blush, but Red is safely sleeping now, leaving him to his thoughts. Was that... is he _actually_ asking him out, or was that a joke? How can he tell? 

"...did he mean that as like, a real date?" Green asks Articuno, as if the bird would know. It ruffles its feathers as if to say _your guess is as good as mine._

Green pets Red's cheek, taking in the physical sensation that is Red. Considering that the room has dropped to freezing, he isn't as worried about making Red too hot anymore. If anything, he's worried he'll go numb. He can always recall Articuno when Red seems to be doing better, though. The room will warm up soon after the legendary is in its pokéball. 

Honestly, Green's thoughts are tapering off into not much of anything. He feels exhausted himself. 

"...hey, Articuno?"

_"Cu."_

"How long do you think we gotta keep the room cool 'til Red's okay?" Again, the bird ruffles its feathers. "Whenever he's looking better, I'm gonna get you back in your ball and get to sleep. I've been up since... maybe six thirty, or so."

Green checks his phone for the time. It's now two in the morning. What even happened today? They woke up in Nimbasa, met with Elesa, got jealous of Elesa (okay, maybe that was only Green), battled a bit, lunch, desert... the desert took up the better chunk of the afternoon. They took Volcarona to the Nimbasa center, but they didn't have the right resources for her there, so they headed down to Castelia... 

_"Articu."_

Green realizes his eyes have been closed for a few moments. "I'm good. I've been up way longer than twenty hours before, y'know." Still, Articuno tries to push him back into the bed. "I'm fine, I swear."

_"No."_

Ah.

Green takes Red's pulse at his neck, which seems more or less normal now. He's not sweating as badly, and while his skin is cool to the touch, that's more because of Articuno more than anything. He can't tell if Red is still nauseous, given that he's sleeping, but Red can't usually fall asleep if he feels that uncomfortable. He's probably doing reasonably better already.

"What do you think?" He asks Articuno without explaining any of his observations, which isn't helpful. Articuno nonetheless coos in satisfaction, intuitive as ever. "Yeah? You okay to get back in your ball? I don't wanna fall asleep if it's too cold, y'know."

Articuno bows its head knowingly. With no hesitation, it allows Green to recall it, disappearing somehow more regally than the average Pokémon - or maybe Green is just losing it a little. Why is he so exhausted, though? He's spent way more hours awake than this on research. Maybe it's just been a long day.

Green looks down again at his friend. He gingerly moves Red's head from his lap to the pillow. They both need some rest. 

[hey Tou, Red's resting now. how;re things on your end?] Green texts, typing and retyping until the mistakes are more or less gone. 

{um good we think. Volcarona is resting too. Burgh thinks she should be able to fly again but not very high but she'll be mobile. he wants to talk to you tomorrow afternoon}

{"make sure he gets some good ol' fashion rest" he says}

Green grins a bit. [trust me i'm already on it. i'm staying with Red in case he wakes up feeling sick still but he's looking better than before. got Articuno to cool the room off]

{iisnt that really cold though?}

[yeah but it helped. easier than literally putting him in a fridge]

{true. N and Burgh are still talking but after that we're gonna go to bed too i think. it's been a rly long day and i'm so sleepy ah}

[mood]

[wake me up around 11 tomorrow if i'm not already up]

{will do !}

Green doesn't remember turning off the lights and laying down next to Red, but he's not about to move an inch for another eight hours. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> also known as _i went on hiatus for awhile and forgot all this happened in the timespan of a day_  
>  heres my classic fave, Green being very very worried about Red and Red having kinda a disregard for his own physical well-being. also really chill mom friend Burgh has always been a headcanon of mine. i kinda think i got that from my some of my art teachers bc they were always really mellow and nice. Burgh can be a flashy lad but under that extravagant facade is just a chill dude  
> not as chill as Articuno though lol. Red finally kinda gets into a freezer with the power of ice bird


	40. emotion, emotions, perpetually swirling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Green has yet to resolve his fears about Red. This is killing them both.

"You really like him, don't you?"

Green takes a long sip of the tea Burgh brewed for them, just to have a few extra seconds to gather his thoughts.

The past three days have been quiet. Green has been spending them mostly on keeping an eye on Red and Volcarona, keeping both close to heart and in good health. Touya and N left to visit the nature surrounding Nacrene City, searching for some familiar faces somewhere among the underbrush. Red has been in and out of the center, running off to Pinwheel Forest (this time with very clear, advanced notice), training his slowly growing team of ghosts among the leaves. It's a risk Green isn't comfortable taking, letting Red out of his sight right now, but on the other hand, they only occasionally crossed paths when they were racing for the Indigo League's Champion position anyway, so -

Right. The Champion. Red. 

It's the lingering knowledge that Red is a champion that makes Green feel queasy. It's not that the title was given in ill conscious, not that anything was unfair, not that Green even wants to be the champion; no, now the words _World Champion_ hold a weight unlike any other. It isn't a title of pride, of honor, of power and diligence. _World Champion_ is now synonymous with _a major catalyst of my best friend's anxiety,_ and with that, _a reason for my best friend to run away again._ The thought has been in his head since Red mentioned Mount Silver back in the desert, and since then, Green hasn't let it go. As of late, his heart doesn't beat until Red comes back into his line of vision, because he can't stand the thought of losing his best friend, or his crush, or his rival, or his soulmate. No, Green can't bear to lose Red, and he's been trying to drown that fear in work again, spending most of his waking hours on just knowing where Red is and helping Volcarona recover.

Slowly but surely, Green has stopped paying attention to his feeling again, and they're threatening to boil over.

"Yeah," Green answers, not knowing what else to say. "We've been friends forever, pretty much."

"Mhm..." Burgh pours himself another cup of warm tea. "I got that impression. I was rewatching some of your battle with him from this year's PWT. You looked like you were enjoying yourselves more than the other battles."

Green's mind flutters back to that. A flurry of flames, lightning, snow. A whirlwind of growls and roars, all echoing not off the mountains but the walls of a stadium. Lights too bright to look into, bright enough to see though, blinding but not nearly as bright as the smile of the rival whistling to his life-long partner to keep the battle going for even a second longer.

"Yeah." It's hard to put into words. It's hard to admit just how much Red means to him to anyone else. It's something Green even struggles to admit himself, that Red is... a necessity. Hearing his footsteps just a few meters away, leisurely playing tag with a healing Volcarona, that means more than Green can comprehend in human language. He wonders if this is what Red meant when he mentioned one day that he thinks in _movies and pictures and feelings, but not words._

"Does he know?"

 _Does he know that you love him?_ is how Green's brain finishes that sentence, but he can't be sure Burgh means to say the same. "What?"

"Does he know you enjoyed that battle?"

"Oh, yeah," he grins a bit, "we were still hyped up about it after we ran backstage to congratulate each other. He won, but it was kinda win-win more than anything. I was just happy to battle him again."

"Because it's been awhile, hm?"

"Yeah. Too long." A pang of fear hits him again. That could've been the last battle, too.

"You know," Burgh starts, stirring some honey into his tea, "it's important to make sure your friends know how much they mean to you. Maybe that's just the hippie in me - Clay says that all the time - but, you know, I think it's worthwhile. Sometimes people like to remember that they're cherished and loved."

Another sip of tea to catch an extra second. "I... I try to let him know. I _think_ he knows."

"Has he ever doubted that?"

No answer.

"Have you ever doubted that he cares for you, Green?"

"Why are you playing therapist for me all've the sudden?" Normally, that would've sounded harsh, defensive. Green is just too perplexed by Burgh to bite, though - that, and he's such a soft presence that it feels wrong to snap at him.

"I don't mean to intrude," Burgh insists, looking a bit bashful, "but I do mean to help."

This isn't helping - well, it is, forcing Green to face himself, but he's not happy about it.

"You see, Green, you've seemed stressed these past few days. Volcarona is healing well, and I know you know that, so... well, what else would make you stressed?"

Green glances over at Red, watching him trying to teach Volcarona a few commands by whistle. "Red doesn't stress me out. I just get stressed because I overthink it all." Pause. "Or don't think enough. Maybe I need to just sleep for a day, or something."

"Do something meditative," Burgh offers. "Try some yoga, go for a walk in the woods - ah, Pinwheel Forest is the perfect place to go. There's plenty of trainers, but the east side of the woods is always more or less deserted. I'm sure you could find a spot as peaceful as a landscape with a fairy."

Green chuckles - it's just like Burgh to slip into a bit of poetry. "Yeah, we might head down there. I know N and Touya were in the area for a bit, but they said they were heading to Wellspring Cave this morning. Dunno where they are now."

"The whole southeast coast of Unova is a very pretty place to breathe," Burgh nods. "I'm especially fond of Pinwheel Forest for its bugs, but Route 17 is another quiet place. There's veteran trainers down there, but when you hit a clear stretch of coast, it's worth a moment of your time."

Green takes another sip. "Red would probably like that. If all he has to think about are a few trainers and a nice spot to sit, he's pretty content."

"That, and you. Isn't that why he came back home?"

Green swirls his spoon in the tea, trying to ignore his swirling emotions. "I think so."

"You think?"

"Yeah."

"Do you know?"

Pause. "You should've been a therapist, man."

Burgh laughs. "I would, Green, but I'm not objective enough. I just like to make people happy when I can."

 _Make people happy when I can._ Red is probably getting restless in the city.

"...hey, Red," Green calls, and Red skids to a quick stop from his game of tag with the moth (and yes, he does keep his balance today. Articuno is a miracle worker for heat related health issues). "You wanna head down to Pinwheel Forest?"

 _(Do you?)_ he signs.

"Yeah, just to have a look around. Burgh's saying it's nice down there. I'm kinda getting stir-crazy anyway," and now he's making excuses, "and Volcarona might wanna get outta the city."

 _(Me too.)_ Yeah, he suspected as much.

"How about you two head down there, then?" Burgh grins. "I'm supposed to have someone challenge my gym in an hour, anyway."

"Wait, your league gives you guys a heads up?"

"Not usually," Burgh pauses to finish his second cup of tea, "but this challenger called ahead and said they're  _on a timer,_ so I didn't want to keep them waiting at all."

Green can immediately think of two people that could possibly refer to. "Well, if it's a girl from Johto with a Marill, be warned that she's tougher than she looks. If it's a boy from Kanto with an Umbeon, just know that he's kinda a weirdo, and he doesn't mean anything by it."

Burgh cocks his head. "By what?"

"By whatever weird stuff he does." While Green has known Fire for a few years, he's still the most unpredictable person Green has ever met. Lyra is still the most chaotic, though. "Either way, I'm sure you got a good battle ahead've you. I'm not - "

 _Green,_ says the tug on his sleeve. Red and Volcarona are looking expectantly at him.

"You wanna head out, then?"

 _"Vol!"_ the moth chirrs, and Red nods. He can't help smiling at them.

Green finishes off the tea before he stands up. "Well, I don't mean to run off on ya, but - "

"No, no, do! I'm happy to see you're interested in our region! We'll catch up again another time."

 _Catch up,_ as if they've been talking about gyms and not subtly psychoanalyzing Green.

The walk to Pinwheel Forest feels so familiar and so routine that the memories don't stick right in Green's head. It's a feeling again, not words or documents, completely unlike the memories he's made without Red. There's an almost cold breeze over Skyarrow Bridge (though Red begs to differ), the rush of waves below, then everything is swallowed by the sudden silence of the trees on the other end. It's been a long while since Green simply let a moment happen, since he let his guard down. Something about it is peaceful, liberating. It's a familiar freedom he felt when he dragged Red along to Cerulean Cave in search of a legendary Pokémon, or when he chased him into Rock Tunnel in an attempt to help navigate the darkness, or when they would race from Pallet to Cinnabar and play along the north coast until the sun went down.

And for a sliver of a second, the nostalgia makes Green fear that Red is gone.

"Red?"

"Hm?"

Green feels himself come back to reality, seeing Volcarona fluttering around Litwick and Leavanny. To his left, he feels someone, he hears someone, he knows someone is there -

It's Red. Of course it's Red. He hasn't left yet.

"What's wrong?" His voice is barely audible, though. He's still here.

"...can you speak a little louder?" It's potentially the worst thing he could say right now, the most selfish thing he could do, trying to force Red out of his anxiety for his sake.

Red gestures toward the main road through Pinwheel Forest. _People are there,_ he means.

Green waves toward himself. _Just speak to me._

Red leans in close - as close as usual, but in the state Green is in, everything feels like a lot. Everything feels weird and emotional and -

"I'm still here."

He tears up.

He looked for Red. He found Red. He came back safely, and everything is fine now. This time, Red wasn't feeling well, so he forgot to actually try to tell someone that he was going to look for Burgh to help Volcarona. That's understandable. All of this is understandable. Nothing Red did was unreasonable.

Then why is Green so distressed?

Red just hugs him, letting the moment sit quietly. A wave of fatigue leaves Green's body and sinks into the creek in front of them.

"Are you okay, Green?" Red asks a little louder, still within his range of comfort, but loud enough to be real. "You've been kinda weird since we got Volcarona to the Pokémon Center."

"I've been kinda weird since you ran off without any warning."

Silence.

"Oh."

And nothing else is said.

"I'm sorry, Green."

"It's fine."

Pause.

"Actually, Red, it's... not fine."

"Yeah." Red lets go. "I didn't think it was."

"Then why'd you do it? Were you just outta it?" Green quickly offers a reason, hoping not to put Red on the defensive.

"I think. I don't really remember. Everything felt kinda blurry."

"Hm." Pause. "I understand."

"You're mad at me, aren't you?"

"Not mad. Just worried." Just tired, really.

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah."

"Just worried?"

Green swallows down the omnipresent fear of hurting Red in favor of trying to help himself for once, just once. "And tired."

The last time he did that, though, he didn't see Red for two years.

"Y-Y'know, exhausted from keeping tabs on Volcarona, that's - "

"I know what you meant."

The air feels heavy.

"What do you think I mean, Red?"

 _(Tired of me.)_ Ah. He's not even talking anymore. That's not a good sign. Green never learned when enough is enough, did he?

"No, no! I love - I love being - I love that you're here," _I love you_ almost came out this time, and Green kinda hates himself for having backtracked at all. "I could never get tired of you, okay? I promise."

No answer. Green sighs and runs his hand through his hair. He fucked up quick this time.

"I promise, Red."

No answer.

"I love being around you."

No answer.

Green crawls over to Red, leans in, and - yeah, it's a bad idea to kiss someone who's having a bit of an emotional crisis, but he does so anyway, just to get a response, something, anything _this is selfish -_

"I promise." His own voice sounds unfamiliar.

Red's response is to glance away, his cheeks a light red and his eyes searching for something to focus on. "I believe you."

"Okay." Green pulls away a moment later. His heart is racing, his mind is reeling, everything in his body is _screaming_ that he's doing something, everything wrong, but he doesn't know what would be right in this situation. He doesn't know how to make sure Red _knows_ he means everything to him, because if words don't do the trick, and if he can't even figure his own words out, what the hell is he supposed to do? What does he say? Does he say anything? Is there anything he can say or do to keep Red by his side? Was - _Is_ Red trying to leave? Does he want to leave? He thought about this in Lostlorn Forest too, thought about how Red is meeting people that treat him better, there's nicer places to be and kinder people to travel with, there's every reason in the world to want to go back to Mount Silver and never write another letter again -

"Green!"

It's almost a shout. Green jolts out of his mind.

"What? What's wrong?"

 _Breathe,_ Red mouths, barely below a whisper. Green lets out a breath he didn't know he was holding.

"Okay." Another. "Okay..."

"Is this about me leaving again?"

"It's about the fact that you _can_ leave," Green almost yells, but his voice catches on a sob. "Sorry, I-I just..."

Red tugs Green's hand gently, urging him to follow in the way he's done since they were kids. Green follows wordlessly.

Their Pokémon trail behind them, not interrupting, but chattering to each other with clear concern. Of course they're concerned - Pokémon have a way of worrying when people feel unwell, and Green feels overwhelmingly upset. Honestly, that's about all he can focus on. He knows Crystal has always been right about the _if you disregard your emotions, they're gonna eat you alive when you can't ignore them anymore_ thing she gets on about. It's not that he doubted her, no. It's just that he didn't want to think he could get to this point. He's been vulnerable, exhausted, he's been worrying and worrying and _worrying_ more than he ever has in his life, and now he's dragging Red down with him.

"Here." Red leads Green into a small clearing in the trees, a dead end with clusters of flowers scattered about.

"You have a knack for finding places like these, huh?"

"I guess so." Another careful tug, and they're both sitting in the grass. The three Pokémon hover near the entrance and pretend they're not eavesdropping.

"...so, what's up?" Green asks. Red's eyes say it all, but he speaks nonetheless.

"You're a mess, and I wanna help."

"There's not really anything you can do," Green insists. "I'm just... fuck, I dunno."

"Yes, you do." Oh, uh. That's a weird tone of voice. Green has only ever heard Red sound stern when scolding his Pokémon, and that almost never happens.

"...maybe."

"Then tell me." Pause. "Or... Or anyone, I don't care, just stop trying to deal with stuff you can't handle on your own."

"You're one to talk."

Silence.

"Red," and every anxiety Green has had floods his mind, "I'm going to say some stuff that's definitely going to upset you, so if you're _positive_ you wanna know what's wrong, then..."

"What kind of stuff?"

"About you."

Silence. Then, Red nods.

"The fact that you're still isolating yourself from society terrifies me, 'cause you could leave at any moment, and I know I wouldn't be able to do jack shit about it."

The air feels heavy, but Red finds his voice still. "I was in Castelia."

"In the Pokémon Center and the gym. Since you recovered from being too delirious from the heat to be anxious, you've been running out here. You've been here more and more over the past few days than you've been with me."

Green feels the guilt in Red's eyes. "I know."

"Do you know how much I worry about you?"

No answer.

"I worry a lot, Red."

_(You were ignoring me.)_

Now he almost feels mad. "'cause I was taking care of a sick Pokémon, Red. Maybe if you didn't run away or avoid me because of the single nurse in the room, I would've spent time with you. I can't pay attention to you if you're gone."

_(Follow.)_

"Red, we're not having this discussion again."

 _(What do you mean?)_ Green almost wanted to cut him off for a second there, but he knows that would just make Red more upset. At least he did that right.

"You can't keep me away from society, Red. You know I won't fare well that way. We already went over - " Red starts to sign, but Green continues. "No! We already talked about this _years_ ago! I can't hide with you forever!"

Red puts his hands in his lap and looks down. He's wordless. He's cutting himself off. Isolating.

"Red."

No answer.

"I warned you this would be hard."

Again, no answer. Green sighs softly.

"You know you're my best friend, right?" Red barely nods, but he does. "I really want you to be steady, though. I know this takes time, trust me. I'm just..."

"Frustrating," Red whispers.

"It is for me, too. I hate seeing you do this to yourself."

_(Do what?)_

"Run and hide at any ounce of discomfort. That's not really healthy."

_(Better than being uncomfortable.)_

"Not better, Red. It's more comfortable, but - "

"But what?"

"Sometimes the harder choice is better for you in the long run."

"No."

It's the same kind of _no_ that Red said when Green asked him if he was coming home for the last time. It's desperate, it's terrified, it's the culmination of every fear condensed into a single noise. It means that Red is not, in fact, ready for the future.

Not ready to get better, because that's hard.

"Why would you _want_ to stay like this?"

Pause. "You could still see me."

And his heart drops.

"Are you actually considering going back to Mount Silver?" No answer. "You're out of your fucking mind, Red."

"You say that like I don't already know."

This feels like that day all over again.

_"Can you visit me?" He asked the same question he did when they were fourteen and Green came and left the first time. "Please?"_

_Green had alway said okay, even in that angry tone. He always said okay._

_"I can't keep doing this, Red."_

_But he couldn't pretend it was okay anymore._

"You... You promised you wouldn't leave me again, right?" Green asks, desperately trying to find a reason to keep Red here.

"Won't leave _you."_ The sun is starting to get lower in the afternoon sky. It feels too peaceful.

"But you'd go back?"

A full minute passes. "Maybe."

"I won't go back, y'know." Green doesn't even need Red to speak to know what to say next. "I told you, I can't keep doing that, Red. I can't start hurting myself like that again."

"But - "

"You fucking idiot."

Unlike before, Red doesn't burst into tears this time. He only hides his eyes in his hand, breathing deeply, thinking, dreaming of the next words he should say. "I'm not an idiot for being scared."

"Not for that, no. You're an idiot for thinking I would kill myself over you."

"I would."

There's a sudden wave of... of something. It's not quite terror, not quite remorse, not quite misery, but a mix of all that and some other foreboding something. It's a feeling. He can't put words to it. He can't quantify it with charts and data.

"I'm sorry."

Green can only hope, only pray, that the weight of this absolute guilt is conveyed in his voice.

"Don't be."

Maybe it is.

"...sorry. I shouldn't've brought this up."

Red hesitates, but the next words sound earnest. "I think I needed to hear it."

Silence. There's nothing more to be said.

Green hugs Red, hugs him like he's never hugged him before, like he's been gone for eight years and they've reunited at the base of the mountain that swallowed the only person he's ever been in love with. Red holds him tighter than before, the polar opposite of a ghost for once; now, and here, and very present and very much _alive._

"I don't wanna talk about this anymore," Red murmurs into Green's neck, putting most of his weight on him.

"I know. We'll stop."

This is a conversation that needs to happen, though.

"Just don't worry about for now, Red, okay?"

"Okay."

They need to worry about it eventually.

"I love you."

And Green needs to say that loud enough for Red to hear one day.

"Food."

Yeah, no, he definitely didn't hear that.

"What, is trying to do group therapy with no therapist giving you an appetite?"

"Comfort food."

Green smiles and leans into Red just a bit, just to feel the softness of his hair and the heat of his skin. "Yeah. What do you wanna eat?"

"D'nno."

"I don't have pancake mix here, if that's what you're after." Red groans in disappointment. "Do you even have anything to make pancakes with?"

"Pot."

"You need a pan to make pancakes. You can't make 'em in a pot."

"Not with that attitude you can't."

Green laughs, wholeheartedly, through the pain that's as of yet unresolved. "We'll try it one've these days, okay?"

"Not now?"

"I dunno where we'd get the mix."

"Nacrene?"

"Hm. It's worth a shot."

"...Green?"

"Yeah?"

Red hesitates, and Green is expecting the worst. "Are you going back to Nuvema Town at any point?"

Green shrugs, and the hug finally breaks - kinda, he's still holding Red, but there's some distance between them. "Eh, maybe. Dunno what else I'd do there, unless Tou is having us over at his place again. Why do you ask?"

In the moments that it takes for Red to answer, Green sees the three Pokémon edging closer, hoping that it's okay to check on their trainers. "...Is it nice there?"

"Yeah. It's right on the coast, so you get ambient ocean noises all the time. The trees are kinda between blossoms and leaves right now, too. It smells fresh, y'know? It's like... compare Pallet to Saffron, where Pallet Town has cleaner air, right? It's like that. Same population as Pallet, too."

"Including Touya?"

"Yeah, probably."

"Mm."

And Red says something he's never said in his life.

"I wanna meet them."

"Yeah?" Green's voice is a little softer; he's desperate to keep this quiet, don't make a scene, don't let Red know this is an event because that'll scare him out of it. "We can head back down at some point. Maybe we'll stop by for a bit before we visit Route 17. Burgh was saying that place is pretty nice, too."

"Reception's bad, though. Just... warning you."

"Oh yeah?" Volcarona flies low to the ground, hovering next to Green, and he rubs her head in the way she's come to love. "How do you know?"

"Touya mentioned it when he came to pick up N."

Right, that happened. Green is getting way too caught up in his own issues right now. "That'll be fine. Just... we'll stick together down there, okay?"

Red nods with a small grin. Sticking together has only once been an issue for them.

And when it was, it was the biggest issue he's ever experienced in his life. 

"Hey Red?"

"Yeah?"

...no, not yet. Trying to confess to a still emotionally unsteady Red isn't the best idea in the world.

"You're still my best friend, okay? No matter what."

Red answers with another hug, and for now, Green will call that a resolution to ease his nerves.

For now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> can you spot all the _9000 meters_ callbacks in this hot episode of _too much angst for one chapter?_  
>  i've been meaning to update since saturday and just kinda haven't, rip. i'm here now though! Green has a lot of unresolved tension about the whole _i'm gonna live on a mountain for a long time_ thing and neither he nor Red are really sure how to resolve that yet and are both just D: at each other. boys need a break  
>  meanwhile N and Touya are having a splendid time looking for Tympole and Woobat and whatnot and are being equally as gay but less angsty. ~~for now~~  
>  also mom Burgh strikes again! soft boy is doing his best  
> sorry it's almost 6am so if this is slightly incoherent i'm just ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯ rn. i tried to spell "run" as "wrung" so that should tell u smth lol


	41. it's okay, it's not okay, it's okay, it's -

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> N just wants to move on. Everything is not okay, though.

No.

No, he didn't want this. He really didn't want this.

N has been a little bit all over the place, he has to admit. He and Touya departed from Wellspring Cave last evening (with a friendly Woobat in tow, fluttering behind him for a while), intending to head out to Chargestone Cave the next day. Ferroseed - well, Ferrothorn, he was the first Pokémon N befriended that he met again upon returning to Unova, and he was the first one N left behind. The idea of capturing him is still difficult, and perhaps it always will be. Perhaps he'll always be stuck with a bit of guilt in his throat upon seeing his friends disappear into a little contraption, but perhaps it will always be overwhelmed by the idea of actually _keeping_ his friends, staying with them and cherishing every moment he has to share. He's done with running away. N fully, completely, entirely intends to improve himself in this way, intends to reintegrate into society should it choose to accept him, and that begins with accepting the way that Pokémon and people live in harmony.

That is why he did not want to see anyone from Team Plasma ever, ever again. He wants to move on.

Yet, they're here in Driftveil City.

"Have you been doing alright? We were all wondering where you could've gone for so long!"

"I'm well, yes. I was traveling." He speaks too fast. _Slow down. You talk too fast._ He speaks faster when he's nervous, he's realized.

It's not that he doesn't like this girl, no. It's not that any of the "grunts" (though he hesitates to use that term) he worked with were ever inherently cruel or evil. It's nothing personal; a cliché, of course, but it truly isn't anything N himself has against the lowly workers of the Team Plasma from three years ago. Neo Plasma is one thing; he detests them. The original Plasma is another story, a group of well-meaning individuals who only want to stop Pokémon from being used and abused at the hands of their trainers.

It's that thought that terrifies N, in some way; he still sees shreds of his broken truth in their ideals.

So now he's here with a girl he once knew, who he tried to forget along with the rest of the team. He tried to just move along, get out of the way before she could notice him, but he's not exactly the most unnoticeable person in the world. He wonders if the fact that he went out a little earlier than Touya cursed him in some way. If he had stayed in bed for just another thirty minutes, even another thirty seconds, perhaps Touya would have been awake, and perhaps he would be here with him, and perhaps he wouldn't hear the nagging _liberation liberation liberation_ chanting in the back of his conscious right now. A breath of fresh air wasn't worth this.

"I'm just happy to see you came back! We've been really worried about you, you know."

Lucy, full name Lucía de la Fuente; a quiet girl who joined Team Plasma when N was just a child. He recalls her looking more youthful back then, younger and yet more damaged and vulnerable. Her Petilil was so small back then, too, so little, her petals singed brown on the ends from malnourishment and poor sunlight; _I came from a bad place,_ she had told him in passing. She was vulnerable, and Team Plasma became her solace. Offering an oasis to the vulnerable was always a theme surrounding this team he called his kingdom; vulnerability was used to manipulate and mold and form as Ghetsis saw fit. He never knew that back then. N was innocent; too innocent. There is nothing more beautiful and terrifying than innocence.

And so, Lucy came from one bad place to another, and years later, the world of Team Plasma came undone.

"I'm happy to be back in Unova," N replies after a moment of considering his answer; as to what he should say, though, he's not sure. "I've been a little busy, is all." Pause. "But I'm better now."

"That's a relief," she answers. "For awhile, none of us knew where you went. We were worried something happened to you."

Oh, something did happen to him. He had an epiphany at the hands and heart of the trainer who _actually_ deserves to be called a hero.

"I... suppose something did," he answers cautiously. "I realized many things about the world as I was traveling through Unova, and I think... I think I needed more time to figure everything out. So I left for awhile." Pause. "I still don't think I'm knowledgeable on every front, but I feel more comfortable in this world than before."

"I'm happy to hear that," she grins, walking a little ahead of him, but close enough that he has no choice but to follow. "I'm sure the others will be happy to see you, too. Anthea and Concordia went out to gather groceries for the week, but they should be back soon. They've missed you."

N grins a bit at that silver lining. "I'll be sure to stay to say hello."

"Oh?" Pause. "You're not staying for too long then, huh?"

He feels something sinking in his chest. "N-Not for too long, no. I've been... I'll be around." Should he mention Touya? Rather, should he tell Touya where he is?

"Well, either way, our doors are open if you ever need us, okay?"

There is some weight to the idea of answering with _okay,_ to agreeing even halfway. He understands where she's coming from, yes, but is this _okay?_

"...I understand. Thank you."

He's worried. He _knows_ she means well. He knows the reformed members of his team mean well; they _meant_ well even when things fell apart. He still can't shake the soft tone of her voice out of the worst of the world, can't remove the petals from the thorns. He can't weed out the softness of the voices of everyone who mistreated him, he can't shake the thought that her tone of _I'm your family, and I am here for you_ lingered even in the voice of Ghetsis Harmonia.

If Harmonia is really his name. He was no ancient king. He was not _harmonious_.

[Touya i met with a former member of team plasma who wanted me to say hello so i will be back in a short while but i am still in driftveil] N types very quickly, all at once in one digital breath. He can only hope Touya will wake up soon and save him from this.

She's not a bad person. He just doesn't like to think about where he's come from. He wants to forget everything.

"Ah, welcome!"

Rood.

"Hello."

For a moment, the world is still, silent. For a moment, it feels like the world is about to fall apart. He feels something in the back of his mind working its way forward, _liberation liberation liberation_ murmuring above a whisper this time. He sees familiar clothes, silver and blue adorning small clusters of people surrounded by Pokémon, he sees tan and grey robes fastened with a logo that burns his eyes and brands his mind like a farmer and his cattle.

"I'm glad to see you've returned to Unova," and the title that follows leaves him feeling empty and far too full, "Lord N."

"Just... Just N. Please."

Ah, but any disobedience, disagreeing will be met with punishment. A moment of residual horror passes over him, a recollection of _you_ will _be the king of Team Plasma_ hangs over his head, and the world could come undone.

"N it is, then. Please, come in, make yourself at home."

This... this isn't home. This isn't home.

"Thank you."

This isn't home.

"So," and Rood smiles with a grin that feels far too familiar, a grin that never saved him from his father's wrath, "where have you been all these years? I heard you were traveling the world. Is that true?"

"Well," he wants to say  _no,_  somehow, but lies will be met with punishment, "yes, for quite awhile. I... had something I needed to do."

"A bit of soul-searching, perhaps?" What... Where's his voice? Where is N's voice? Why can he not - "Oh, never mind my prying, N. I'm just glad to know you're safe. I'm sure you had plenty of adventures with Reshiram, hm?"

"Yes." There it is. Barely.

Concern laces Rood's expression, and yet N can't really see it all that well. Somehow he looks contorted - or perhaps N's vision is getting blurry, perhaps the light in here is a little too low. "I know we didn't leave off on the best note - "

_You let him hurt me._

" - but I want you to know that everything heals with time."

_You let Ghetsis hurt me._

"N," another former member of his kingdom is speaking now, their voice almost distorted beyond recognition, "did you ever visit the Kanto region? I've always wanted to go there and see what it was like." And now he can turn his attention to the left, and he sees the face of a man who joined the kingdom far too young for himself, N remembers that. "My parents grew up there, but I never got to see it because they moved out here."

N feels his heart racing, _liberation_ chanting a little louder and a little more vigorously. "I... yes, actually, um..."

Lucy seems to know he's at a loss; N has learned that those who train grass-type Pokémon tend to be soft and empathetic, they tend to know. "Where was your favorite place to go?"

"Hm..." And now he has something to focus on, this region known as Kanto. He's been through the whole region, but... "I was very fond of the Seafoam Islands, as a matter of fact. It was very cold in the depths of the cave, but... pleasantly so. It felt like the first snow preserved in a seaside cavern."

"That sounds like a lovely place to visit," Rood notes, and again there's a sudden _liberation_ in his ears. He feels sick. "I was born by the sea, as a matter of fact. Perhaps I could visit one day."

"Didn't someone say the legendary Articuno lives down there?" the man asks.

"It... well, perhaps. I didn't... I wasn't looking for Articuno myself." _It actually travels with the Pokémon World Champion,_ but he's not about to mention that. Some part of him worries that mentioning Red or Green or Touya would elicit the same reaction as before, three years prior, the same _how could you do this to a perfectly innocent Pokémon?_

"Perhaps you could show us someday, then," Rood offers softly, too softly _you let him hurt me -_

"Yes."

"May I speak to you in private for a moment, N?"

 _You let him hurt me you let him hurt me you're going to hurt me you let him -_ "Yes."

"Have a seat, then. Would you like any tea?"

 _You're going to hurt me you're going to hurt me -_ "Yes."

"Coming right up." _You're going to hurt me -_ "Chamomile?"

"Yes."

N feels a sudden pinch and a sharp pain in his palm, and he realizes now that he's bleeding ever so slightly. Here is he gripping the blood out his hand and telling Touya not to bite his hand when he's nervous. N isn't one to talk, obviously. N isn't one to talk because words are very dangerous, and suddenly he wonders if he could elect to be selectively mute. A lot of things would have been better if N had learned when to be quiet.

Five minutes slowly pass as the tea brews. N's thoughts blur between an ideology he resolved to outgrow three years ago and a lingering fear that someone who never actually touched him is about to strangle him.

"I understand you're not feeling very well, N. If there's some way I can help, I would like to be of assistance."

"I just want to move on."

"So do we, N." Pause. "That's going to be a bit difficult if you can't move on with us, though."

"What do you mean?" N keeps his voice soft, keeps his eyes locked on the cup of tea.

"The way I see it," Rood explains, matching N's volume, "we can't move forward unless we apologize and admit we were wrong. We have done that, and we have been atoning for that as best we can. While the city didn't take kindly to our presence at first, we've come to coexist quite well." Pause. "How have you been handling Unova, N?"

He hesitates. "I've been traveling with a friend."

"Oh?" Pause. "Do you mean Reshiram?"

Again, he struggles to answer. "Yes."

Lies are punishable, though.

"...N, I know this look in your eyes. What's scaring you?"

The robes, the emblem, the familiar voice and the lingering memories, liberation and broken ideology, lies and assault and abuse _victim of a goddamn cult -_

"It's just been awhile."

"N, please be honest with me. You can tell me anything." And if he does, Rood will tell his father, and father will flip a coin to decide if he gets smacked across the back of the head or thrown into a wall.

No words come. No pain today. No words. No pain. No words. No pain.

"I know it's been awhile. And because it has been awhile, things have been better. Do you believe me?"

"I understand," said so fast that it barely sounds like language.

"But do you believe me?"

 _No._ "Yes."

Pause. "Will you be willing to forgive us?"

"Yes... but..." and he loses his words again, loses them to a feeling that he can't put into words. "It's difficult."

"Can you try?"

"Yes."

"Thank you, N. All we can ask of you is that you try."

"Yes."

"...are you going to be okay?"

"Yes."

"I'm only asking because you used to used to talk like this when you were having a hard time."

"Yes."

The sound of a tea cup clinking on a saucer barely brings N back to reality. He's not breathing. His hand is numb and he's not breathing. His hand is numb and he's not breathing and everything feels too close and too far away and the necklace around his neck feels like it's about to be synched and tied so tight that he'll never take another breath again -

"Is there something I can do for you?"

"Yes."

"What is it, N?"

"Yes."

"...do you hear me, N?" So soft.

"Yes."

"Can you give me a different answer?"

"Yes."

"N Harmonia."

"Y-Yes?"

Ah. Here he is. This is Driftveil City, and this is a house filled with people from a fallen kingdom. Was it ever really a kingdom? He never was a king, as far as he can figure. Ghetsis was even less so, though, he was never a king, and he doesn't deserve the name _Harmonia._

"Are you with me, now?"

N takes a moment to breathe, or at least make an attempt at breathing in this state. "I think so."

Rood offers his hand, a quiet gesture of consolation, of apology, but N doesn't take it. That hand could hurt him. He's okay, he's okay, but he's not okay.

"...I didn't mean to bring up any hard feelings," and his hand recoils slowly. "I only meant to ask if there was something I could do to help you. I understand you may not want to be here, but - "

"I just want to move on. That's all."

"Again, so do we."

"Why do you need _me_ to do that?" N almost snaps. "Why do I need to be involved?"

Rood takes a sip of tea to get an extra second to find the right words. "I guess I mean to say that we would like to settle any qualms you may still have with us. And," he adds more tentatively, "perhaps I would like to settle any animosity you have towards me."

"You let him hurt me." Augh, no. "I'm sorry. I understand it wasn't your fault, but - "

"No, I... did."

Ah.

"N, I will never know the true extent of your pain, but let me assure you, I have never lost my guilt over what happened. It was a difficult situation, really, one in which I couldn't protest unless I wanted to become a casualty myself. You know how he was."

"Yes."

"Are you still with me?"

"Yes."

"...are you sure?"

"I'm... here."

A moment of quiet passes, cut only by a Herdier's barks and some distant chatter. "I can only hope you can find the strength to move on, too. I believe - "

"Did he hurt you?"

"Hm?"

"Did he hurt you?" Slowly, as slowly as N can manage.

"He hurt us all. He - "

"Did he hurt _you?"_ Enunciated so clearly that it almost feels unnatural, it doesn't feel like words anymore.

"He did, but let us not focus on that."  _Victims of a damn cult._  "I'm worried about you, now, N."

"Don't be." At last, he takes a sip of the tea, a little too bitter from steeping a little too long while N got lost in some other world.

"How can I not be? I've known you since you were young. I do care about your well-being, I hope you know."

"Then why didn't you help me?"

Silence.

"I understand you all have been reforming as best you can," N starts quietly, "and I respect that more than anything. I understand how easy it can be to fall back into old habits. I feel," and he hesitates to even speak their name here, "I feel that Neo Plasma took the easy way out. There's no honor in it."

"I agree."

"But I don't want to involve myself here."

"Isn't that the easy way out?"

"Not at all."

Another moment of silence. Another sip of bitter flowers.

"It would be easy for me to come back to a world where I would be accepted. I don't want that. I don't want _this,"_ though his voice wavers. "I don't want to live in an idealized world. Reshiram found me because it knew I needed to pursue the truth. I've only ever been hidden away from it, by my own volition or... or his."

"I see."

"So..." The cup is comfortably warm. "So I won't be back very much."

"Is this... really the same world?"

"Somehow." Pause. "I know it should be different. I know you've been _trying_ to be different, a-and I would like to believe you've been successful, and I would like to forgive you, but..."

"...but what?"

"I can't do this yet, Rood."

"Mm."

The tea leaves a strange taste in his mouth. It tastes like apprehension and anxiety.

"Do you not trust us after all?"

"You."

"Oh?"

"I would like to trust _you_ , but I can't just yet."  _You let him hurt me._ This time, the mantra seems to be conveyed in some way. 

"I understand."

N shuts his eyes, letting the last bits of steam from the tea hit his face, warming him just enough to steady himself. "I'm struggling to separate my memories from my reality in this place. I don't... I can't be here that often." Another pregnant pause. "I can forgive you one day. Just give me a little bit of time."

Rood is quiet for another moment. "I suppose I shouldn't have gotten my hopes up. You were more hurt than any of us. You should take all the time you need."

"And I'll need a lot."

Oddly, Rood grins. "Take as long as you need. I hope you find yourself life and love wherever you go."

"Love." Hm.

"N?"

_Touya -_

And suddenly, everything is okay. He's saved.

"Oh, welcome back, Touya. Have you been well?" Wait, Rood knows him? Of course Rood knows him. Touya has been working on the investigations around Team Plasma since... since N left, he supposes, or maybe even sooner.

"Y-Yeah, um, I-I just came to check on N," Touya explains quickly. "S-Sorry, I-I didn't mean to cut in, but - "

"It's okay," N says quickly, so quickly, but it echoes more clearly the second time. "It's okay."

Everything is... okay - is it? If it isn't, will it be?

"G-Good, good, I was just worried I was interrupting something."

"Not at all, boy," Rood grins. "Come on in. We have plenty of tea to go around."

"Th-Thank you," Touya grins, and the room seems even brighter than the sun.

"Hey, Touya!" Lucy - ah, she knows him too. "You did great at PWT this year!"

So... battles are okay?

"O-Oh - oh, yeah! I-I honestly kinda forgot about that," he answers sheepishly. "We had a great time, actually. I think Samurott and Galvantula are especially eager for a few rematches one of these days. How's Lilly been holding up?"

"Lilly, come here!" On her cue, the little Petilil that N remembers bounds forward as a deep green Lilligant. "She's been doing really well. We don't battle much," much? "but she's been training with the training dummies you recommended." Lucy looks at N, now. "I guess I didn't mention it, but Touya helped Lilly when she wasn't feeling well. She was getting so stir-crazy that he recommended training her so she could get some of her energy out."

"Oh." That's... oh. Then it is okay. This is okay.

"I don't know if you've trained Reshiram at all or not, but sometimes it's nice for a Pokémon to get some exercise in. I'm very careful with her, though," she adds quickly. "She never gets hurt. I know how much is too much."

 _We've been doing this for long enough that we_ know _how much is too much, okay?_ It's not just Green, then, it's not just a champion. Trainers know how to take care of their Pokémon.

The last time N realized that was when he met Touya.

"I," it's okay, it's okay, "I trust you've been taking care of her. You've been together since I met you."

"Have you been around the region since you came back, Touya?" Rood asks, coming back with another two cups for both Touya and Lucy.

"Y-Yeah, we've been showing a few friends around. We were..."

Touya tells his tale, and N loses himself in the hero of Unova.

Touya is a neutral presence, that much is certain. Perhaps it's that he's a blank slate, but more likely, it's that he's balanced. He was here for N's broken ideals, and he's here for his blossoming truth. He's soft, and yet sturdy, a mossy rock, alive and thriving in the quietest way. Pragmatic, eloquent, though socially anxious and introverted. He is justice; he is mercy. Touya is perfect, or the closest thing to perfection, flawed in perfectly human ways that make every mistake he could ever make infinitely and unquestionably forgivable. Heroic, and yet so gentle. Soft. Warm. Lovely. _Lovable -_

Ah. Right. He is in love.

"Are you alright?" Touya's perfect voice brings N back to this world he's been cursed and blessed to live in.

"Um, yes." Pause. "Just a little pensive. I... I think I'm okay."

"You sure?"

"Yes, I'm sure. Everything is okay," N promises himself, and Touya smiles beautifully.

Everything _will be_ okay. It's not quite okay yet, but everything will be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> guess whos back  
> back again  
> ghostboy's back (with angst)  
> tell a friend
> 
> this just in, N does not cope well with being around things that remind him of literally living in a cult for most of his life. whomstve known?? not N, but now he knows and he is having A Time, and just answering everything with _yes_ bc if he always agrees no one can get mad at him and hurt him right??? ~~why must i hurt this boy~~ ~~its bc i like angst tbh~~  
>  i'm also getting way worse at these notes lmao. i'm gonna try to finish this fic before 2019 so lets see what happens w that ouo;;  
> (sidenote, sorry i've been bad w replying to stuff, i've been really low energy lately but i really _really_ appreciate everyone's comments on stuff!! i'm just not a social lad lol)  
>  ((IMMEDIATELY FORGETS TO PUT A TITLE GDFHKGJHKGFD))


	42. want you, want you, need you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> N usually has a good sense of direction, especially in his favorite cave. Touya, though, is very easy to get lost in.

_"You're in love, obviously."_

_"A-Ah - I - "_

_"So tell him."_

_Tell him._ Anthea thinks it's as simple as that.

"W-Where do you think Ferrothorn would be?" Touya asks quietly, trailing along next to N, glimmers of static electricity pulling at his hair and flashing off his eyes, a perfectly blue motif for the cerulean bolts ingrained in that hero's dragon of deep black.

"I'm not sure," N answers, letting the shocks from the cave snap him out of his thoughts. "If I'm remembering correctly, he was deeper in the cave. Ferrothorn don't move around their habitats very much, so I think if we go back to where we first met him, we should see him again."

"R-Right, right. Let's head deeper down, then. I'll keep my eyes peeled."

He is a hero. Touya is a hero in every overwhelmingly prodigal way. Touya is a hero in ever infinitesimally minute way.

The thought has floated through N's head over and over and _over,_ this idea that Touya is a hero in every way possible. In every gesture he has made, he has proven himself heroic; not by saving lives at every turn, no, but in making the world warmer, kinder, more tolerant, a little bit brighter where darkness prevails and a little bit dimmer where the light is overwhelming. A shared berry here, a child lead out of a dark cave there, a smile where no smile has ever reached and a heart to absorb the darkness of another. Yes, Touya is a hero; he puts his whole self into every moment, and every moment is made better with his presence. Every little gesture is wonderful. Every grand gesture is just as outstanding, the call of _Fusion Bolt_ with full knowledge that he won't let anyone be hurt anymore, he _will_ find the answer, he _will_ find a solution where there's nothing but smiles and restful sleep at the day's end. He saved this region, he defends his Pokémon with his life, he cares for his friends with all his heart and soul.

Touya envelops himself in a world that fills him with anxiety and terror for the sake of peace; he creates - he _is_ \- justice and mercy in perfect harmony, balance. Touya is balance, a neutral presence in such a perfectly _harmonious_ way. Touya could take the name Harmonia, if he -

Ah. Wait, no, not like that. What is it about this place that makes N fall in love all over again? 

"Are you okay?"

"I'm fine, yes," N answers Touya a little too quickly to be innocuous, he fears. "I'm just, um, thinking."

"Right." Touya doesn't press the matter, thankfully, letting the issue simmer until N is ready to speak, because this is the kind of person Touya is. He's always here, always present, never too much but always just enough.

Once again, for the life of him, N truly can't recall falling in love. It's frustrating at least; at most, it's infuriating and almost terrifying. It's the fact that Touya was able to make N fall for him out of absolutely nowhere - did he really _make_ N fall for him, though? Perhaps it's the simple fact that Touya is who he is, and it's every sliver of him that made N fall in love. It's the way he looks at his Pokémon, his family, his friends with this unrelenting gentleness in his eyes that puts the rest of the world to shame. It's the softness of his voice and the octave it jumps when he's startled or nervous or embarrassed; and oh, what N would give for Touya to never feel uneasy ever again, but what he would give to hear the nervous cracks in his voice, so delicate, a perfect representation of the fragility, the humanity of someone so outstanding. He's beautiful and terrifying in that way, in that _any_ possible outcome about Touya is something N wants, _needs_ in his life.

N has never been in love before, and some part of him still wonders if this _is_ love, but the louder, more learned part of him insists that if this isn't love, he'll never know what is.

"Are you worried about Ferrothorn?" Ah, yes, they did come here for someone in particular. It's now that Touya presses N for more information, because now he's a little worried, and it's only when he thinks he may need to help that he ever imposes on anyone. Even the moments filled with doubt and clashing ideology were rarely met with force from the Hero of Ideals.

"No, I'm just... thinking of a lot of things," N answers vaguely, nervous. No, he can't really say _I'm trying to remember why I fell in love with you, but I just keep falling in love again._

"Is it about Team Plasma?"

That's a reasonable excuse. "Somewhat."

"I see." Pause. "Y-You looked a little uneasy when I showed up, s-so I was worried something happened. I-I didn't wanna ask while we were there, obviously, but... Was something there making you uncomfortable?"

Spot on. "It's just the atmosphere, I suppose. It sets off memories I don't really want to look into."

"I understand. S-Sometimes I used to get that way about Nimbasa City."

"Oh? Why?"

"Just at the ferris wheel."

"Ah." He feels a weight in his chest. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be. You don't have anything to apologize for." Touya speaks with this perfect, humble confidence. He's _perfect_. "I-I guess part of it is that I never rode a ferris wheel before I met you, s-so it always makes me think of you. I-I was always kinda afraid of heights before that."

"Why didn't you warn me? I wouldn't have made you come if I knew - "

"I-I mean, I would've had to learn to fly with Unfezant at some point, s-so... y-y'know, it worked out in the end."

"I... I see."

"So don't feel bad about it, okay? Everything's okay."

N nods a little, at a loss for words, but he hopes his smile is enough of an answer.

"Does it have to do with the people there?"

"Um... no..." Okay, that's a lie. He doesn't want to explain his feelings about Rood right now, though. "I would go back, I have to admit. I would like to see my sisters again."

"They're really nice," Touya comments, then more hesitantly adds, "I'm glad you had people like them to look after you."

N shuts his eyes for just a moment, and for that moment he's back in that castle, in their room, listening to songs that have never been recorded and stories that have never been written. "Anthea and Concordia have always been kind. Though, Anthea can be a bit more forward at times."

_You're in love, obviously._

"She reminds me a bit of Touko when she gets kinda sassy," Touya laughs. "Touko is kinda... I-I guess she's more headstrong, but they both just say things the way they are. I-I think it's good to have people like that around."

"Mm. Maybe we could bring them here some day. I'm sure my sisters would like it here."

"I-If you want, they're right nearby, s-so we can bring them down whenever, right? I-It's like how Touko used to love going up to Accumula. Th-There's not much to do up there, b-but I think she just always liked to get out of Nuvema for a little bit. She's always been more of an adventurer than me. She's the one who got stuck on a sandbar in Undella when we were kids, and attacked by a Patrat when she tried to go "train" our mom's Stoutland we had when we were kids. I-I didn't even leave the house unless mom did, a-and even then, it was always kinda a struggle."

"Mm." He's not entirely listening anymore. He just wants to hear Touya's voice.

"I-I guess I've always kinda been a homebody, I dunno. I feel like being with my Pokémon is home, though."

Perfect.

"Me too."

"Of course, you too."

Wait, um.

"I-I meant - "

"N-No, I mean it. You do... feel like home to me."

Ah.

_Wait what -_

"I-I just always feel safe when I'm with people I trust, like you or my team, y-y'know?" Oh. Um. Right. He can't tell N is blushing, can he? "A-Anyway, I'm glad you had Reshiram with you while you were gone. I-I was always kinda worried about you, b-but I figured it would keep you safe."

"And you had Zekrom, s-so you were safe too." Pause. "I am sorry I was gone for so long, though. I didn't - "

"N."

Silence.

"...yes?"

"You don't need to apologize to me, okay?"

"Oh."

Another pause. "But if you feel like you need to, I want you to know I'll always forgive you, okay? I-I know how apologizing like that can be, s-so... S-Sorry, I-I guess I shouldn't heckle you about it."

"It's okay, Touya. I'll always forgive you."

"Thank you." Whispered, like a breeze over a field of flowers. Beautiful. _Perfect._

"Touya, I - "

_Hey._

"Oh?"

"What is it, N?"

_Up here._

N looks up, and sure enough, those two yellow eyes peer out of the darkness, stone cold and yet very alive, alert. It's a chilling gaze to anyone who may be unfamiliar with the creature.

"There you are!"

_Waiting for you._ Ferrothorn's voice is gentle under all that armor.

"I-I see that, yes. Um..." Augh. This is going to be a little awkward - or maybe it'll be fine. He really should be optimistic about this.

_Came back. Thank you._

"Of course!" N extends his hand, and Ferrothorn lowers himself down from the ceiling, crawling slowly down the wall to place a spiny "hand" in N's own. "I feel I'll be visiting here more often now that I'm settling down. It's been peaceful lately, hasn't it?"

_Agreed._ Again, Ferrothorn looks at Touya with a curious gaze. _This friend of yours._

"He is, yes," N answers more confidently than he did before. "That's why we've been traveling together."

_Admit it._

Oh.

Uh.

"Yes," N answers tentatively. He doesn't mean - 

_To him._ Oh for goodness sake he _does_ mean - _Have you?_

"Not... not just yet." Why is this suddenly a topic of discussion? Why does he have to deal with this now?

"Is everything okay?" Touya asks softly, sweetly, and honestly the last thing N needs right now is to prove Ferrothorn's point.

"Yes, we're... yes." Um, quick, change the subject, _everything is fine_ \- "Ferrothorn, I... have an offer for you, if you'd like."

_Tell._

"Um..." It's still always a little strange to ask, to try and see if he can uproot someone and bring them around the world with him, to take them away from the only place they've ever called home... but then again, isn't that what N has been doing with Reshiram? Isn't that what he did himself, ran away from home? "Would you like to come with me?"

The look Ferrothorn gives him is... indiscernible. Not angry, but confused. _Travel._

"Yes. Together."

Ferrothorn pulls N forward as carefully as he can with his barbed vines. _Capture?_

"I, um," N looks around nervously, "I-I prefer not to refer to it as such, but, um..."

_Change of heart._

"Yes, I - "

_From him?_ Referring to Touya, of course.

"I... in a way. I found a very dear friend of mine in Lostlorn Forest, and I suppose that made me rethink a few things."

And now there's this glow in Ferrothorn's eyes, something between pride and just plain happiness.

_Let's go._

"Touya?"

Touya is already on it, digging through his bag for another pokéball. He tends to be quiet during these encounters, letting N's self-made redemption play out on its own. Perhaps it's because he doesn't want to involve himself in a more personal matter, or maybe it's that he's letting N understand the world for himself. Touya isn't one to teach by instruction or even example; his being here is enough. He _is_ the example, in a way.

"Ferrothorn, if you ever want to come back here - "

_Stay with you._

N grins, and a comfortable heat builds in his chest. "If you like us to _visit_ here sometime, please let me know. I would be more than happy to bring you here if you ever feel homesick."

_Not a place. He is your home._

Blue and red _somewhat_ cancel each other out, right? Touya can't see the blush on his cheeks, right? "I belive so."

_Happy for you._

N grins back at his friend. "Thank you. And thank you for being patient."

Touya hands the pokéball over, a shape and weight that's becoming familiar. There's a flicker of red light, then a beam, and Ferrothorn is gone - no, not _gone._ Ferrothorn is safely in a pokéball, and Ferrothorn is going to stay with him.

"...I'm really proud of you, you know."

N turns back to Touya with a start. "Really?"

"Of course," he grins. "You've been doing a wonderful job with just... everything, lately. I know trying to come back to society can be kinda hard, but..."

"It's easier with you here." _With you._

"I-I'm happy to hear that." _With you._

"Thank you." _I want to be with you -_

"Of course! I'll always - "

"Touya, I - "

There's a sudden explosion, calls from a trainer to a Pokémon, rocks falling, more indiscernible shouting, and footfalls echoing off the cave walls. That... okay. Fine. This will have to wait, apparently.

"...maybe we should move to a quieter spot."

"A-Are you - "

"I'm okay," N answers quickly, anticipating Touya's question, "I-I just want to be somewhere quiet right now. It's been kinda a long a day, that's all."

With a quiet nod, Touya takes N by the hand, and the two are rushing off away from the trainers who decided to come out here. 

The cave continues to soothe him, though, as he and Touya steadily move away from the commotion and into the silence of the earth once more. N lets himself get lost in the electricity in the way that he does, in a way that brings him closer to reality than the sights and sounds the world has to offer. He can't quite focus on the static, though, can't quite ground himself; Touya's hand is holding his, and he's floating, floating yet steady, as if flying comes more naturally than walking when Touya is this near.

Augh. He missed his chance, though. None of this really makes up for that.

"S-Sorry, I-I guess someone's trying to get to Mistralton City, or something," Touya apologizes, sings his regrets for something that wasn't even his fault. "I-I didn't think anyone would be here at this time of night, though."

"W-Well," and N still feels wound up from trying to say something that _really_ should've been said a second earlier, "it's okay. Neither of us could have known. Besides, I have Ferrothorn with me, now. I'm just glad he didn't get startled off."

"Oh, true. I-I don't think he would've left you, though. He was waiting on you to come back, huh?"

"Yes." _My god you're perfect -_

"S-So it's all okay." _Absolutely perfect_. "Here, this way."

"Oh? Do you know where you want to go?"

"Yeah, just follow me."

"Where are we - "

"Just trust me."

Oh, N trusts Touya more than he trusts that the ground beneath his feet is made of metal and rock.

N allows Touya to tote him along, letting the scenery pass by. He's... desperate, he's desperately trying to immerse himself in the environment, but now that N has half the words out of his mouth, he can't bear the feeling of keeping them in; less so can he bear the thought of finishing his thought, with the lingering wonder of _does he love me back?_ N does understand that he can't really know unless he asks Touya himself, unless he confesses his feelings first, and yet... There's everything to lose, and everything to gain, a balance of the best and worst possible end all wrapped up in two little words that he should've said just a little bit faster, a simple _love you_ that should have echoed before humanity decided to interrupt. Now, though, now the feelings are stuck in his chest, and he can't pull them back out again.

So he's stumped. Great. Excellent.

"I think it's... right around here? Yeah, right here."

Touya stops N in place, and it's now that the world comes back to him; this is where Touya hugged N for the first time, in a different time, somehow a different place, and yet it's all the same.

"I wanted to come back here for a bit, i-is all. I-I guess I just feel nostalgic for this place."

"This particular place? I wonder why?"

Touya laughs. "You've definitely been spending too much time with me if you're learning to be sarcastic."

"I could never spend too much time with you."

"I... Thank you." The way the blue bounces off Touya's brown eyes will never fail to make N's heart melt. "Th-That really does make me happy to hear."

_You make me happy._

"You make me happy, N."

As if Touya can hear N's thoughts. "So do you, Touya. I hope you know that."

The silence is comfortable, but N still wonders if he could chant _I love you_ loudly enough in his head to communicate it to Touya, so that Touya could say it, and everything could be settled a little more easily.

"Do you wanna just... talk?"

"What else have we ever done here?"

"Well, um..."

_Ah -_

Touya almost throws himself into a hug, and despite N's shock, he finds his body working on muscle memory, holding Touya a little too close and a little too tight, but Touya is holding him with just as much force, and for a moment N almost forgets the words to describe this feeling. Maybe this is why Chargestone Cave makes him fall in love all over again. It's where he fell in love for the first time.

Though certainly not for the last time. N could fall in love with Touya every minute of his life.

"...I-I feel like I don't say this enough, but I'm really, _really_ happy you came back," Touya whispers, so softly that his words don't reverberate in the air, only in N's heart and soul. "I really missed you."

"I missed you too, Touya." Again, a weight fills his heart. "I'm sorry."

"It's okay."

"I... I want to apologize, though. I want to _do_ something, Touya, I want - "

"Being here is an apology, you know."

"Oh."

Touya pulls away for a moment, but only for a moment, and the hug continues as if it's the only way to breathe. "I wanna prove it, though. I-I wanna do something to show you that... I-I dunno. I just want you to know how much I care about you."

N's heart is racing. "I... I believe you have."

"How?"

"Everything you've done with the Team Plasma investigation, for one thing," N answers. "If you weren't involved, I'm certain I wouldn't be welcomed back here. And - " 

"I want to do something for _you,_ N."

N's soliloquy is cut short. "But isn't that - ?"

"S-Something personal. Something only for you."

What does he... "Being here is enough." That doesn't seem to satisfy Touya, though. "Just stay with me, okay? That's what I would like."

He feels Touya grin, feels him grip the back of his shirt a little tighter, but somehow he's still just a little too far away. "I'll always be with you. Always. I..."

And Touya tenses.

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah." Pause. "S-Something zapped me pretty bad just now, th-that's all."

"Ah."

Touya pulls away to look for the culprit, and now he's definitely too far away. "Maybe a Joltik? I-I don't see anything now."

"Do you still... where do you want to be?"

Touya shrugs. "I'll follow you wherever you wanna be."

"Maybe..." Augh, this is infuriating, but this is as close as N can get to telling Touya how he feels at this point, "maybe we can just stay here for a little longer?"

"Of course!" His smile is perfect. His voice is perfect. Touya is _absolutely perfect._

"Thank you. This - I - um," almost, kinda, not really, but kinda, "you mean a lot to me, Touya."

"You do too, Natural."

Touya hugs N again, and his heart is charged with more watts than the crystals and memories surrounding them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> someone commented "EVERY TIME THEY DONT CONFESS I HOLLER" awhile back and if that aint this chapter idk what is  
> this chapter could alternatively be titled _N is trying his damndest to tell Touya he loves him and also everyone else is trying to get him to just fuckin say it but when u get interrupted Sometimes Thats How It Be On This Bitch Of An Earth,_ but im p sure thats too long to be a chapter title. ~~that's more of a fall out boy song title~~  
>  also, if all goes well, i have a handful chapters left until The Boys get all the loose ends tied up!! when i said slowburn i _meant_ it lmao this fic was supposed to be 10k words


	43. safe, safe, safe with you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's the fact that he missed Green that convinced Red to come down. It's the fact that Green is safe that's convincing Red to stay.

This is a conversation that needs to happen, though.

It's been on his mind since Green brought it up. Red understands, objectively, that he's going to have to deal with society at some point, and that point is coming a lot faster than he can handle. He also understands, objectively, that avoiding the very thing that causes him to become avoidant is only going to make him even _more_ avoidant, and the fear will only continue to snowball. What Red feels, subjectively, is that he would rather travel around this crystalline cave with Green, surrounded by electricity and only the distant clammer of some trainers somewhere else in the network of gemstones. It's more or less quiet, but even the noise from other trainers is almost welcomed; being a trainer himself has been a blessing and a curse, and the excited shouts from a group of kids going on their own journey are a reminder Red has been needing for quite some time.

Red went into the world with nothing but a Bulbasaur to his name, and he survived.

It's... It's not quite like anxiety, not quite like a debilitating social phobia, but it's similar. It's the fact that he didn't get used to battling until after his second gym badge; how he even got that far while feeling uneasy about battles is a mystery, he has to admit. Battles were, for awhile, a social event, and for awhile, Red couldn't stomach the idea of socializing in any way with strangers. The Pokémon World Tournament was a form of inadvertent exposure therapy, then, a roaring crowd that still terrified him when he took his mind off the battle for even a moment. He didn't _die,_ though, he didn't get killed, the cameras didn't chase him down, and the only time they threatened to, he had his escape route.

No, not Charizard. Green Oak.

"Do you know where you're going?"

"Mm-mm," Red shakes his head, and Green sighs.

"Well, where are you trying to go?" Red only shrugs. "Just exploring?" He nods. "Alright. Don't get us _too_ lost, though, okay?"

_(I have a better sense of direction than you do.)_

"Oh yeah?"

_(I navigated Mount Silver for years. You got lost in Rock Tunnel.)_

"Okay, to be fair, I was ten, and it's fucking dark in there, okay?"

_(And Cerulean Cave.)_

"Well - " and there's a slight tint of blush on Green's face, a bit of embarrassment that dances beautifully on his cheeks.

_(And Lostlorn Forest.)_

"Look, _everyone_ gets lost in there, okay? That wasn't _really_ my fault!" Pause. "Mostly."

Red laughs, a mostly silent rush of wind with the slightest hint of a voice, a voice in a moment only meant for Green to hear.

Red tends to think in metaphors that only make sense to him, and to him, Green is Mount Silver. He's easy to get lost in, with every network of caverns filled with random information about research and battles and league standards. Every little crevice, though, every nook in Green's mind is mapped perfectly in Red's memory, every joke that's ever made him laugh, and every moment of insecurity masked by arrogance, every glow in his eyes when he knew he was about to win, every rushed footstep that meant nothing but a perfectly innocent kind of mischief, and every smile that made the mountain feel so much warmer. Yes, Green is infinitely complex, always twisting and never truly mapped, but always _known._

And being with Green is as safe as being nine thousand meters above sea level.

It's something Red has always been dimly aware of, that Green is safe. It's not just that he knows exactly when to step in for Red, when his signs become so weak that he isn't even present. It's not just that he knows how much to say, how much to understate and oversell, how Green's theatrics have saved Red from many,  _many_ cameras and microphones. It's the fact that his mere presence is soothing, soft, a comforting weight disguised under an unrelenting, unwavering, indescribable energy. Green is Green, plain and simple, and it's the fact that Green is who he is that makes him a safe space; he _is_ safety.

So no, Red doesn't feel safe with the idea of going to Nuvema Town to try and handle a social situation. He just feels safe that Green will be there with him.

"Are we going in circles?"

_(Dunno.)_

"You're totally not here, huh?"

_Eh,_ Red shrugs. He's not really here, no. He's not in Chargestone Cave so much as he is with Green, and honestly, that's his life vest right now.

"...what're you thinking about?"

_(Stuff.)_

"Okay." Red recognizes the nerves in Green's voice, though, and while he wants to answer, while he wants to reassure Green that this isn't about running away again, he's not sure how to say all of this. It's more of a feeling than anything, and even running through the words he's trying to use to describe the sensation that is Green is difficult. Within the safety net is an overwhelming gratitude and no way to convey it. "Hey, Red?"

"Hm?"

"Are you like... What kind of stuff are you thinking about?"

"You." Pause. _(In a good way.)_

Red could swear Green's blush is deepening, or maybe it's the cerulean glow playing tricks on his eyes. "Oh. Did I do something, or...?"

_(Thank you.)_

Green grins, though he still looks confused. "Whatever you're thanking me for, you're welcome. I'm always here for you, okay?"

_(That's what I mean.)_

Green laughs a little, a sound that Red has heard plenty of times since coming home, but it's a sound that still feels so new and so, so _right._ "Of course. That's what friends are for, huh?"

_Friends._ That's the only issue.

Red isn't really sure what to do at this point. He's not sure how else to make Green realize he's in love with him - rather, that Green means the world to him, and that feeling can only be described with the term _love._ Flirting seemed to get nowhere, explicitly kissing him proved to do _something,_ but he's not sure what, and he's not sure if that effect lasted. It's like every attempt at expressing himself without words - _really_ without words - is a battle, and in the end, all the status effects wear off, and the slate is wiped clean. It would be so much easier if Red could just muster up a _by the way, I love you,_ but that's so, so much easier said than done.

_"How difficult could it possibly be? You love him, right? Just let him know."_ Crystal asked him when he first admitted to having fallen in love at thirteen years old.

_"Very, very difficult."_

Red considers himself one to overthink things, but he could also say Green is the same way, and some part of him wonders if Green would even believe him. Some part of him wonders that, even if Green _does_ feel the same, if he would admit it willingly or not. Some part of him wonders how horribly, horribly wrong this could go, and if the chance of success outweighs the weight of failure on this front. It's the fact that something _could_ go wrong that always deters him. The chance of failure - no, _devastation,_ that's what always holds Red back.

"You're making me worry, Red."

Red comes back out of his thoughts at last, finding himself deep in the depths of Chargestone Cave. There's a familiar dampness in the air around them, and a comforting, deathly silence.

"What do you mean?"

"'cause you're so... outta it," Green answers, looking at anything other than him right now. "I mean, I know you get like this sometimes, but it still kinda freaks me out."

Odd. "It didn't used to."

"Well, I... I have a lot on my mind too, I guess."

Oh. "It's not about Mount Silver."

"Okay," Green breathes a sign of relief, a breath he probably didn't even know he was holding, "okay, that's good."

"But, um..."

Silence. Red sits on the ground, and Green sits across from him, a familiar sort of ritual they've fallen into over the years.

"I... I know you were really upset about the, uh, that stuff. And me."

"I mean - I wasn't - It's not like..." Green doesn't have an explanation, though. Of course he doesn't. Of course he's still upset over Red even _considering_ saying something like _you could still see me._ "I dunno, Red. I-I just, I'm thinking too much, okay? Don't worry about it."

_Just let him know._

"I promised I wouldn't leave you, you know."

"I know. That's why I don't like that you'd even _consider_ running off again." The tone is harsh. Of course it is. Red broke his heart in some irredeemable way. _You fucking idiot_ doesn't even come close to describing what that did to Green.

"I... I need you to just let me talk for a minute." Wow, uh. That's not a phrase he ever thought he'd hear himself say.

"Of course. Take as much time as you need." A soft voice, still bitter, understandably so.

_Just let him know._

"I..." Talk, sign, write, whatever, just _get this out of your head._ "I don't think there's anything I can do to make it up to you." _Just let him know._ "But I want to. That's kinda why I wanted to go to Nuvema Town soon."

"You don't..." he trails off though, leaving the spotlight on Red.

Red sighs deeply, desolated, because all his thoughts are stuck in pictures and movies and he can't get those out in any coherent way anymore. "I think about going back because I want to be safe again, a-and I still don't _feel_ safe. Th-The only reason I actually came back down was because I missed you too much, and I couldn't - I didn't wanna die without seeing you again."

_Just let him know,_ but what is he even trying to say?

"And I'm only still here because..." Where are they, where are the words? " _You're_ somewhere safe. I-I mean, being with you is safe."

Silence. The glow of the cave brightens and dims with Red's beating heart.

"And I love that you're safe."

_And I love you,_ but those words are trapped.

"So, um..." Was... was he even trying to make a point here? "I'm not going back because being with you is just as safe as being up there. And you make me happier."

Red looks up, just now realizing he's been averting his eyes. The smile on Green's face is gentle, an expression he rarely wears, but it looks absolutely beautiful on him.

"...does that make sense, Green?" Green nods. "Are you sure?"

"Positive." Pause. "God, I wish I had the words to tell you how much this means to me."

"This...?"

"Y'know, coming home. Staying with me. Being alive."

Red can only nod.

"And coming out here, too," he adds, with a glow in his eyes rivaling the crystals around them. "I know Unova's a hell of a ways away from Kanto, and PWT is something totally alien to you, and it's not really easy, but you're still... here. And I dunno if you can see it from where you're sitting, but you're making more progress than I think you know. We had _way_ more than three people in Undella, and you were doing totally fine! I never imagined you could take that step, you know. I-I mean, I always wanted to see it, but... you really did that on your own, you know?"

Something is stuck in his throat.

"Look, all I'm saying is that I'm really proud of you, okay? I know I get kinda freaky about you leaving again, but," and he pauses as if he's just now realizing the point he's making, "I think I'm more scared of you running away than I should be. I _don't_ wanna lose you again, but... y'know, you haven't made it seem like I _would_ lose you. That's just... separation anxiety or something, I dunno." That's a hell of a condition to try and brush off, though. "You're doing amazing, Red, okay? Don't - Red?"

Red throws himself onto Green before he can even process that he wants, needs to be as close to him as possible. He weeps quietly into the crook of Green's neck before he can even process that he needs to cry.

"Are you okay?"

_I love you,_ mouthed out, not even whispered, not conveyed nearly loud enough for Green to hear. _Very, very difficult_ indeed _._

"Red?"

"You mean the world to me."

But... maybe not that difficult.

Then Green kisses his temple, and suddenly his heart leaps, and no, it's actually very, very difficult indeed. Green makes him feel a weird sort of nervousness that he actually wants to drown in.

"So do you, Red. I hope you know that." Pause. "Never doubt that, okay? I mean it. I promise."

Oh, he could. Every ounce of anxiety in Red's head could doubt that. Red, though, heart and soul, could never doubt that. This is the same person who keeps his arm around him in the face of anxiety, who always did and always will, the same person who travelled up a lethal mountain for him every week, who wrote letters well after he was presumed dead, who screamed his voice dry in the cruelest winter winds, who wept and whispered _you're here, you're here, I missed you so much,_ who's holding him now and insisting, _promising_ with more earnest feeling in his voice that _you mean the world to me -_

"Red?"

"Mm?"

"It's okay."

As to what _it_ is in this situation, Red isn't sure that either of them know. The general state of things? This moment? Whatever this relationship has become? Whatever it is, it's okay.

"Thank you." Red leans into Green, and honestly, he doesn't know what he's thanking him for. The hug? Unconditional support? Whatever feelings he's planted in his heart? All of the above.

The air remains quiet for a time, and for a time, Red considers saying something he should have said awhile ago, but there's still a net in his throat catching the butterflies. If Green rejects him, so be it, but Red wants to keep this moment pure in his mind. Actually, if Green rejects him, this will be the last happy memory with him, because he doesn't know if he could live without Green - no, he knows he _couldn't_ live without Green, and that's why he was a ghost on top of a mountain when Green forever returned to the land of the living.

And so did he. So did Red.

"Do you trust me, Green?"

"I trust you, Red."

"So I'll stay with you." Green grins and pulls him just a little closer. It feels warm again. "And it's okay if I go catch another ghost type, right?"

Green groans. "You little brat."

Red laughs. "I like them."

"You're lucky you're so cute, Red, you know that?"

Red hugs Green a little tighter, because if Red pulls away now, the blush on his cheeks will be painfully obvious. "Shut up."

"...I _guess_ you can get another haunted Pokémon, whatever. Just don't let them suck my soul out or anything, okay?"

"I think they have a more complicated process than that."

"Oh, yeah, 'cause that makes it _so_ much better."

"I could catch a Joltik."

"That's not a ghost type, Red," but Red is already looking around for any yellow spots on the cavern walls.

"No, but I like them."

"Yeah?"

"'cause Touya's Galvantula is fun."

Green grins, and when Red darts off to look for one of the little bugs, he trusts that Green is following him, and he trusts that Green trusts him. "You had a hell of a time with that one, huh?"

"Mhm. It was fun." It's because always winning by a long shot becomes a depressive episode. It becomes _unbearably_ dull. While Red would never throw a match just to make things interesting, battling someone who has a damn good chance of beating him makes his heart skip a beat, it makes him feel a little more alive and a little more here.

"I'm glad you had fun, Red." Red, Red, Red, as if he's still trying to make his name sound right.

"With you, too."

Green chuckles. "I'm glad. I was just warming up, though. You know I could totally take you down if I gave it my all, Red."

That familiar arrogance is a look only Green can wear well. "I'd be fine with that."

Pause. "With... With losing your title to me?"

"Mhm."

Green hesitates to speak still, seemingly struggling with what Red is trying to say. "So like... Like, if _I_ became the World Champion, that'd be totally fine?"

"You deserve it more than I do."

"Well, I wouldn't say that..."

"I would."

Pause. "You're too nice for your own good."

"No, you're just better than you think you are." Something is scuttling over there, but it's hard to see such a small Pokémon. "Besides, if you beat me, you could still handle all the interviews and stuff."

"I'd do that even if I didn't beat you, y'know."

"Yeah, but it'd be easier if we were already in one place. Not like I'm gonna be very far from you anymore." Red glances back at Green. The smirk on his lips and the look in his eyes is almost hot. "What?"

"Are you challenging me, Red?"

And he can't help smirking back at him. "Maybe."

"First thing tomorrow."

"Deal."

"You got a visitor, by the way."

"Wh...?"

Red looks around, but the Joltik he thought he saw is gone. It isn't hiding on the ceiling, or if it is, it's too tiny for him to see down here. Maybe -

_"Ti tik!"_

...it's on his hat.

Red whistles back in the same intonation - not that he can't talk right now, but it's become habitual for him to mimic Pokémon. That was how he convinced Pikachu to join his team without even battling him - well, that and a plethora of snacks.

_"Jolti?"_ Another whistle matches the spider. _"Ti!"_

"Even though it's not a ghost, I guess it kinda counts as a spooky Pokémon. Y'know how many people have arachnophobia?"

"Too many." Red carefully raises his hand up to the Joltik, who crawls onto his fingers like she's supposed to be there. "They're cute."

"I think you have a bit of a different definition of _cute_ than most people do, Red."

"Implying most people don't think you're cute."

Green laughs at first, then realizes what Red said. "Wait, what?"

He has to figure it out eventually. Green is a researcher, he's a gym leader, he's one of Kanto's champions (and honestly, he's better at his job than Red is), so it's not like he's an idiot. He should know flirting when he sees it, but tomorrow the slate will be clear again, and Red will have to start all over again.

For as much trouble as he's been to her, he thinks maybe Crystal could give him some insight.

"Do you want a snack, Joltik?

_"Joool!"_ That's a resounding _yes._  Red digs out a berry from his bag that's about as big as the spider, and Joltik digs in.

"I can't believe they start out this small," Green comments. "You could just keep her in your pocket, and that'd be just as easy and getting her in a pokéball."

"I tried that with Pikachu when I first found him."

"Yeah, and he tried to zap me the second he saw me," he replies. "Wonder why they don't use Pikachu as bodyguards more often."

"I dunno." Joltik scuttles along Red's arm and back onto his hat. "Do you wanna keep going?"

"What, without catching her?"

"I think she's happy up there."

Green looks amused. "You two are a piece of work, you know that?"

"Well, I'm _your_ piece of work, so there."

Green rolls his eyes with a smile. "Whatever. Let's keep lookin' around."

The way Green takes Red's hand sends more shockwaves through him than this cave and its spiders ever could.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me: looks at last nameless chapter thats just a lot of angst  
> also me: _time for resolution fluff_  
>  Red is doin his best here!!! he's trying to cope w anxiety!!! he's trying to flirt!!! only one of those things is working because Green is both really dense and in a perpetual state of _i'm totally overthinking it and Red wouldn't actually be flirting with me right???_ jokes on you Green you absolute Fool


	44. wait, wait, what?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Red knows this has been a hassle, but he needs Crystal's input. This might be the last time, though.

The air is comfortably cool.

Red lets the echoes of his friend's chattering fill his head like the cave around them, taking in the simple feeling of being here, of being well. The zaps from the Joltik on his hat and the crystals surrounding them keep him just focused enough not to lose track of Green - and by extension, N and Touya. He's not exactly surprised that they met up down here, considering N loves Chargestone Cave, but the Unovans certainly seemed surprised to see them.

"What were y'all up to, then?" Green asks as they approach the outside air, the exit to the cave system lit only by soft moonlight. 

"Just, uh, kinda reminiscing," Touya answers. "W-We had kinda a long day though, s-so I think we're gonna stop at the Pokémon Center tonight and call it a day."

"I suppose we could also camp here if we wanted to, but we did hear other trainers near the front awhile ago," N adds.

"Yeah, Red and I heard that commotion, too. Then he found a spider to add to his collection of creepy Pokémon."

_(She's not creepy.)_

_"Jolti tiiii!"_ Joltik seems to be equally as offended as Red, if not more so.

"Look, I'm just saying you better have that team next Halloween, okay? They won't even need costumes." Red rolls his eyes at Green. "Don't sass me, now."

"The Joltik line is actually really friendly, as far as bug type Pokémon go," Touya offers, and Red's Joltik chirrs happily. "The worst thing Galvantula ever does is zap the power from my phone - o-or he tries to recharge it, a-and ends up zapping me in the process."

"You and Red both," Green laughs. "He gets Pikachu to keep all his electronic stuff charged up. If it works, it works, huh? I guess I could always try that out with Zapdos, but that's more of a risk than I wanna take. I doubt that..."

Red zones out again, but he's just present enough to follow the others. The moonlight above them is soothing, the fresh air crisp and cleaner than the still, silent air from the cave. It feels less like a bundle of sparks and more like he's walking on air, floating in some impossibly natural way. He has to wonder if -

"Green! Red!"

Oh!

Red is the first one to dart over to Crystal, who's off on her own right now for some reason. _(I got a Joltik!)_

"Aw, I can see that," she grins at the little spider riding on his hat. "Did you actually catch her, or is she just along for the ride?"

Oh, right. He should probably _actually_ capture her, if she wants to be on a team with his other Unovan Pokémon. He knows specialty teams have their glaring weaknesses, but this is less of a competitive team and more of a fun excursion. _(Need to catch still.)_

"You should do that before she sees something interesting and runs off. She'll be hard to find again this late at night - but you could tempt her back with berries, huh?"

Red laughs silently, signing subtly to Crystal before Green walks close enough to understand him. _(I need advice with Green later.)_

"Will do," but she rolls her eyes a little. "You've been keeping up, though?" He nods, and she grins. "Glad to hear it. I'll be up for a little while if you want, okay?"

"Hey, Crys! Where'd the kids get off to?" Green asks with a wave.

"Oh, they took off for Opelucid again," she answers. "I guess one of them heard Fire was around, and they wanted to see what he's been up to."

"So he's already on what, seventh gym badge? When'd he get here?"

Crystal just shrugs. "I don't ask questions, Green. I just know what I've been told."

"A-And I know Rosa said she and her friends were going back to Humilau for something," Touya adds, "s-so I guess they're all on their own."

"Well, as long as the kids don't burn the place down," Green shrugs. "What're you thinkin' of doing, then, Crys?"

"I'm not sure," she answers quietly, though knowingly. Red recognizes this voice, a tone she carries when she does, in fact, know more than she's letting on. He worries sometimes that her lean into secrecy might partially be his fault. He was even the one who suggested she use an alias if she planned on doing any groundbreaking research that would draw attention to her. That... that probably wasn't the healthiest thing he could've done to her, actually.

"Have you done any gym battles since you landed?"

Again, this is partially Red's fault, and partially just how Crystal is. "Oh, no, no. I haven't done any battles in a _long_ time. Though," she glances at Touya, "watching some of those PWT battles is making me a little antsy."

Touya grins sheepishly. "I-If you wanna battle at some point tomorrow, I-I would be good with that."

"I'll see how my team is feeling." Yes, Crystal and her team including the fastest Typhlosion Red has ever seen and a legendary Pokémon known to walk on water. "It's getting late enough that I might just turn in for awhile, though. Babysitting the Johto kids is an ordeal. Rosa helped keep everyone in line too, though, so I had a _bit_ of a break. We got to..."

Red zones out once again, but not before remembering that he does, in fact, need to capture the Joltik riding around on his head. He pulls a pokéball out of his backpack, to which Joltik doesn't react at first.

_"Jol?"_

Red mimics the sound with a whistle, then holds the pokéball up to the Joltik. The spider actually crawls _onto_ the ball, and after a minute of prying her off so he can actually _use_ it, Joltik is his. So that makes... Frillish, Litwick, Yamask, and now Joltik. He almost wonders if Joltik is going to pick up on some ghostly habits, if she's being raised around a bunch of other ghost Pokémon. He knows Pokémon pick up on their trainers' behavior, hence why Pikachu is a little more subdued all things considered.

"Red, you coming?"

Red nods to Green and rushes to catch up. The moonlight feels soft, though, and some part of him wants to ask Green to just camp outside somewhere, so they can be away from the world and away from the lights of civilization.

Ugh, this again. He needs to not let these thoughts eat at him.

It's not like the Pokémon Center is even that busy of a place, especially up in Mistralton City. The only thing that seems to give the little cluster of people the label of _city_ is the air port and the Pokémon Gym. Otherwise, it's more or less deserted, more or less quiet and subdued by the surrounding wilderness. This is fine, actually. This is a good starting point to Nuvema Town. Even if this place has a bit of a higher population, he has to interact with less people. This is a start. This is a good start.

He still feels sick, but he's not letting that stop him anymore.

"Are you gonna turn in for the night?" Green asks softly, already laying down in one of the beds in the room. Seems like there's no excuse to curl up with Green tonight, unfortunately.

"Um... In a little bit. I wanna catch up with Crys."

"You gettin' tired of me already?" Green asks jokingly, but still, Red fears he may actually think that.

"Never."

Green's grin softens. "You're too nice for your own good, Red, you know that?"

Now he almost doesn't want to leave.

"If I'm already out by the time you get back, remind me to actually wake up tomorrow, okay? I'm gonna look for - "

Red darts over to Green and hugs him, hugs him as tight as he can, just to be absolutely certain that Green knows he could never, ever get tired of him.

"...I'll wake you up."

"Thank you, Red. And _you_ remember to actually sleep eventually, got it?"

Red nods with a grin, and with that, he's off to find Crystal.

Stepping out into the hallway, he immediately spots her; seems like she's been waiting for him. She waves him over and leads him out of the Pokémon Center, back out into the night, onto the route past the tiny city and into a clearing surrounded by thick, tall grass. If anyone other than she or Green led him out here without a word, he would be concerned.

"Sorry for dragging you out here," she apologizes, "I just needed some fresh air. I spent most of the day in Chargestone studying Tynamo." Red tilts his head at her, a confused gesture that he's sure she's become quite familiar with. "They're the first Pokémon of the Eelektross line. Eelektross are known for having no weaknesses with the Levitate ability, since no ground moves can actually hit them."

He nods a little, expecting her to go on, but the night air is quiet. The moon gives them just enough light to see each other.

"What did you want to talk about?"

Somehow, though, even in this peaceful air, his voice is somewhere else. _(Green.)_

"I know that," she laughs softly. "What in particular?"

_(Did Green ever mention that I'm flirting with him?)_

"Oh, that," she sighs. "He keeps saying he's misinterpreting it. I think he believed it at first, but..."

_(Did I mess up?)_

"No, it's just..." Crystal sighs a little, gathering her thoughts. "Here's the thing; Green... kinda has some self-worth problems."

"I know." Oh, he knows. He knows and he wishes it were any other way.

She nods. "So, that's part of it. I think he just doesn't believe you would flirt with him because he doesn't think he deserves it, or something? It's kinda hard to tell with him. He gives me a bunch of half-baked answers that I have to jigsaw together into an actual explanation. It's tough - I mean," she adds, "it _is_ worth it. He's my friend, and I wanna help out, but he doesn't make that easy."

"...guess I don't, either."

"No, Red, you're more of an open book than he is about this," she corrects, which is honestly unbelievable. There's no way Red could be easier to deal with, right? "You at least tell me how you feel. He just... doesn't, sometimes."

"Aren't I more confusing?"

"Not really, no. You talk in poems sometimes," and he blushes a bit, knowing he needs to break that habit, "but I can analyze that. Green doesn't give me a lot to go off."

"But as far as you know, he thinks he doesn't deserve...?"

"You."

Wait. Wait, no, that doesn't make sense. It should be the other way around.

"And he wants to be around you, trust me, he really does. I met him after you left for Mount Silver, and I've literally never seen him as happy as he is when he's with you. It's not like he doesn't _want_ to be with you, it's just that he doesn't think he _should_ be. It's that _you can do better than me_ mentality people get into all the time." Hm. That would maybe explain why Red's progress always seems to reset.

"I mean," he tries to explain, "I _can_ flirt with him, and I'm pretty sure he notices, but at the end of the day, or if we get interrupted, it's like that's all kinda gone."

Crystal nods, and Red can see even in the dim light that something is hiding in her head. "Yeah, I can see that. He avoids things that make him uneasy, is the trouble."

"No, _I_ do that."

"Yeah, you _both_ do that."

"Oh."

"See, he didn't talk about you much when you were gone," oh, "because it always really upset him. The times he did were either in passing, or because I _made_ him tell me about you. Trying to avoid how much he missed you wasn't helping him at all."

Now he's starting to feel like - "Maybe I shouldn't."

"Shouldn't pursue him?" Red nods. "I think you should. You can't dwell on that mistake and let it run your life. The best way to apologize is by moving forward."

An apology is a process, after all. "Right." Pause. "But he could do better."

"Trust me, he couldn't." Rude. Red glares a bit at her. "I mean to say _you_ would be best for him."

"How in the world could _I_ be best for him? Didn't I send him into a downward spiral of not taking care of himself because I couldn't just come back home?"

"That's not - "

"And he keeps getting more and more scared that I'm going to leave again, a-and I'm not, but..." His voice drops. _(But the fact that I keep scaring him is a bad thing.)_

"That isn't your - "

_(I don't wanna let him love me if I'm going to hurt him.)_

"That isn't your fault, Red. Green just hates himself for letting you run away in the first place."

No way.

There's just... There's no way. Green struggling with Professor Oak is one thing. Fighting for the approval of someone who refuses to give him even the slightest victory is one thing. That never sat well with his rival - and no, it never will, Red is sure of it. To extend that to the idea of self-hate is beyond Red's scope of comprehension, though. Green isn't like that - he's never _been_ like that. While Red knows arrogance and bragging are often masks for Green's own insecurity, for those to be a mask for an actual feeling of _I hate myself_ seems impossible.  The only way that would make sense would be if... if what? The only reason Green would hate himself for letting Red leave would be if - 

If this is Red's fault.

"Did I do this?" Red asks barely above a whisper, so softly he can barely hear himself.

"No, no, I promise. I... god, I shouldn't have mentioned that, but if it puts your mind at ease, he's told me it's a lot of personal issues. I even asked him if it _was_ your fault, and the answer has always been the most honest _no_ I've ever heard. I think the majority of it comes from Professor Oak, and some part of it is just his own self-doubt gone wild."

"Oh."

"You make life a lot easier on him, though. He can't beat himself up or overwork himself too hard if he has you to look after." Pause. "That's why he went up to visit you so often for so long. I told him to take care of himself, and... I mean, sure, it's always a blizzard up there, but being with you was - that _is_ how he takes care of himself."

"I thought..." What did he think? That Green is still mad? That Green never actually forgave him? "He yelled at me a lot, though."

"Every time he yelled at you about that, he was yelling at himself. You got away, and - and I guess he still can't let go the fact that... that it happened." She's careful not to place the blame anywhere. "Listen, Red, whatever you did or didn't do that might've hurt him in any way, he's never been _mad_ at you. You really do keep him happy."

Red curls in on himself, considering all of this, all these struggles that Red could see in his periphery that Green kept under wraps for so long. A part of him wonders, then, if this is actually okay or not. If Red does keep him happy - and that's an _if_ that Red is starting to believe more easily - then any moment where Red is gone would be a negative, and his constant presence around Green would only make him more anxious about being apart.

Then again, Red isn't exactly throwing himself at his fears unrelentingly either. Maybe it's that Green is trying to get used to Red being home, trying to get used to the idea that he isn't quite a ghost anymore. It's the same way for Red; he's trying to get used to it too, but it's terrifying and it makes him feel sick, and... Well, if Green is using Red as a sort of safety net, Red supposes he could do the same, and he supposes that could be okay. 

"Red."

"Hm?"

"Are you alright?"

He hesitates. "Do you think he _would?"_

"Do I think he would...?"

"Love me."

"I'm willing to bet he does." She says that so carefully, and somewhere in that sentence she's keeping something behind closed doors.

"If he doesn't like me back because I was gone for so long and I made him so upset, just tell me now," he blurts out. "I don't wanna - "

"Not all of his issues relate to you, Red," she cuts him off sternly.

"But the ones that do mean he might not."

Crystal sighs, understandably annoyed, but he still feels nervous in the face of her irritation. "Red, everyone has problems with each other. No one has a perfect friendship or relationship or anything. I know this is a lot to deal with, but that doesn't mean he suddenly doesn't like you, or whatever else you're positing. You realize he's perfectly capable of forgiveness, right?"

He does, but, _(I'm just scared.)_

"I know," she sighs softly, lowering her voice. "I get it, but I need you to believe me when I say he's not mad."

_(Hard.)_

"I know. Just try." He is. He certainly is."Look, Red, none of us were ever mad at you for what happened, but it still took its toll on Green, you know? You were gone for so long, and that hurt him so much because being in love with someone who's nine thousand meters above sea level is - "

She falls quiet, with an expression of _oh shit_ that Red has never seen on her before. More pressing than that is the detail of -

"Being in love with...?"

"I... wasn't supposed to tell you that." She sighs deeply, putting her head in her hand. "God, I'm stupid. I kept that back for six years, now, but I just... ugh."

 _Being_ in love with. With him? With who? Is he - would he - has he -

"Don't tell him I said that, okay? I swore I wouldn't tell anyone."

_In love with -_

"Me?"

"What?"

"In love with me?"

"What do you - "

"He's in love with..."

"Yeah, you. I  _really_ wasn't supposed to say that though, so just don't tell him you know that, okay? O-Or at least, don't tell him _I_ told you."

Red runs through every moment about Green, every time he kept an arm around him for safety, every time he dragged him into some cave in Kanto to explore and get away from the world, every time he hiked on foot up the world's most lethal mountain to see him for even a few hours, every delivery of birthday presents and wishes and kisses and - and -

That wasn't just an act of platonic love. No, no, it was, it was in some way, but only in _some_ way. In some other way, it was -

No way.

_No way!_

"Are you  _really_ sure?"

"Red, I am drop-dead positive that Green is in love with you. A-And that I wasn't supposed to tell you."

"How - " no way, this is - there's - is this a miracle? "How long did you know he had a crush on me?"

" _Has_ a crush, first of all," she corrects him, and _wow_ that's so surreal and so amazing and - "Second of all; six years."

Since they were fourteen? "And you didn't tell me?"

"I don't tell people other people's secrets! I just - gah, shit, I totally - do you know how many times he asked me to tell you he loves you _for_ him? Because it was _way_ too many times. I'm not gonna play cupid for anyone, though. It's his heart to yours." Pause. "Hence, um, don't tell him I - "

"18."

"...what?"

Red's mind is reeling in geography and scenes, pictures and movies and feelings. "Route 18."

"What about it?" The downside is that Crystal has no idea what the hell he's saying.

"I'm gonna tell him when we go down there."

She looks a bit relieved. "Good, because again, I'm not gonna be the messenger."

"Why would he ask you to tell me instead of doing it himself?" His mind is just reeling right now, swirling between every way this confession can go wrong and _right_  and wondering _how did I never make that connection myself I'm such an idiot -_

"'cause he swears up and down you don't feel the same way."

"...I _have_ kissed him before."

"Yep."

"And that's not a dead giveaway?"

"Nope. It wasn't for you, either?"

Red shrugs.

"See, this is the roadblock I've had with being friends with you two. I'm watching you pine after each other and sworn to secrecy, and I have to try and convince both of you to just get over yourselves and date each other for six years."

Red's mind is elsewhere. His mind is at the coast, in Alola, lying next to Green and basking in the warmth that can be so nearby if he's not on a mountain but never quite close enough. His mind is on impromptu snowball fights in Pallet Town the winter before they reached the Indigo League, his mind is on the words _I'm so proud of you_ in his favorite voice of his favorite person, his mind is on a comforting weight that he suddenly misses more than anything, his mind is on every smug grin and every chuckle and every flash in his best friend's eyes, his mind is on the first word he ever said to Green; _thanks,_ in response to something so small that Red doesn't even remember what it was about, but now he's more thankful than ever for Green, and he wants, _needs_ to let him know somehow.

And if all of this falls apart -

No. Something in his chest takes a bite out of his fear and insists this won't go wrong.

"You in there?" Red only looks up when Crystal waves her hand in front of his face, clear concern in her eyes. "Are you nervous?"

"Yeah. No. Kinda." He's not really sure _what_ this is. Anticipation, maybe.

"Glad we've established all your possible answers. Which one is it?"

Red laughs a little. "A little of everything."

"Are you gonna be okay?"

Red nods, and for once, he believes himself. He hears a screeching _he's going to hate you and everyone is setting you up to fail_ in the back of his head, but if he was reckless enough to take on Team Rocket, he's reckless enough to confess his love for his whole world.

"So... Route 18?"

He nods again. "If we don't get down there, I'll tell him on Kanto's Route 22."

She gives him a lopsided grin. "Something special about that spot?"

"Yeah, 'cause he helped me with Bulbasaur there." There's a comfortable heat in his chest. "That was where he told me I should whistle to my Pokémon if I can't call out attacks."

She looks a little surprised. "He never told me that was his idea."

"I learned a lot of what I know about Pokémon from him. Honestly, I just wanted a Pokémon so I could keep up with him. I didn't really wanna be Champion." Pause. "But he always helps with that, too."

"And..."

"And?"

"And you never noticed he's in love with you?"

He feels himself blushing. "I dunno! I thought that was just a friend thing!"

"It could be, sure, but Green goes _way_ above and beyond."

"Uh... yeah..."

She can't help but laugh. "You two are ridiculous, you know that?"

"Oh, shut up. I'm trying."

"You're not gonna procrastinate this, are you?" From the tone of her voice, a simple _yes_ isn't going to convince her.

"I wanna find another ghost Pokémon up here first, 'cause there's supposed to be some up at Dragonspiral Tower. Also, you still need to battle Touya, then I think we were all gonna go down to Nuvema Town. Green said we'd visit Route 17 and 18, so we'll do that after we go to Nuvema, then I'll tell him."

 _Nuvema_ is the part that raises an eyebrow. "What are you guys gonna do down there?"

Red shrugs a little. "Just visit people."

He sees a glow in her eyes, he can tell she's hoping for the best, and for once, the pressure is less intimidating and more encouraging - or maybe he is still intimidated, and he's just faked his confidence well enough to suppress that in this moment. "I bet that'll be nice. The kids said they want me to meet them at Aspertia City in a few days or so, but if they get caught up, I might swing by myself. Have you been there before?"

Red shakes his head. "Green said it's kinda like Pallet, though."

"I'm sure it'll be a good time, then."

And a bit of sickness hits him, but if he can battle with numb hands, he can tough this out. "I think so."

"And if you two take off a little early, good news! You get to tell Green how you feel that much sooner, huh?"

This is... still surreal. "Yeah."

"...you okay?"

"I kinda don't believe this is happening, but I'm gonna just do it."

Crystal puts her hand on his, reassuring and calm. "Go for it. You have better odds than a Master Ball right now."

That analogy isn't exactly wrong, but Red thinks of Green, and he has to wonder who's really catching who. "Thank you."

"Of course. I'll be around if you need anything, okay?" He nods. "What're you gonna do now?"

Red hops off the ground, and Crystal follows suit. "Find Green."

"Isn't he sleeping?"

"Yeah."

"Did you get the double room?" Red nods. "So you won't wake him up, huh?"

"I'm sleeping in his bed."

Crystal laughs loudly, a rare but very welcomed sound. "O-Okay, okay. Red, you're so bold it surprises me sometimes."

He shrugs, amused at her reaction. "What can I say? When I want something," and he signs as the approach the city, _(I want it with all my heart and soul.)_

Red, of course, means to say he wants Green with all his heart and soul.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Red finally finds out that Green loves him and decides to just fucking go for it at this point,_ the feature length film  
>  we are Getting Close to the end!! i'm gonna see how much time i have to write in these last few days til Christmas, bc if i plan this right, i can get a special chapter out on A Big Holiday ouo no promises, but i'm trying my best!  
> also, Crystal is probably very thankful that this fic is closing up soon bc my god she has had to deal with these boys and their needless pining for so long. the one time she slips up and spills a secret ends up working out for her though so at least there's that  
>  ~~and now i'm gonna go gorge myself on christmas cookies and get sick hjkfgdf~~


	45. don't go, don't go, i love you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> N is gone. N is _gone._

He wakes up with a bit of a start.

Touya is usually a pretty deep sleeper. The only times he tends to wake up are when he has some kind of nightmare (which are rare, even though he often goes to bed on an anxious mind), or when something is just... not quite right. It's a blessing and a curse, to wake up when something is out of order. He's woken up for anything, from the kitchen fridge being slightly ajar to his childhood Stoutland falling ill during the night. This is why he's a bit apprehensive, coming out of his dreamless sleep to a dark and quiet room; the only thing that could be amiss would be N.

N, it seems, isn't here.

"N?" It's impulsive, a habit Touya's built up after years of looking for his friend. It's not like he even expects an answer; N obviously isn't here. Touya's first thought is that he might be in the restroom, but if he's not there, where would he be? How far could he have gone? Could he have run away? Maybe he wanted to spend some time with Reshiram outside. Maybe Zoroark decided to stir up some trouble. Maybe he is just -

No, not in the bathroom. With that checked off the list, Touya is nervous.

[N where are you?] Touya texts, but after two minutes of no reply, he's already getting impatient. It's not like he expects an _immediate_ answer, but... well, no, that's exactly what he's expecting, because N replies almost immediately most of the time.

He calls. It goes straight to voicemail. He gets dressed as quickly as he can and darts outside.

No N in the Pokémon Center lobby, and now he's getting really uncomfortable. Did - no, he wouldn't have just run away again. N was doing fine tonight, right? Is the Team Plasma reunion still messing with him? If it was bothering him still, he should have mentioned it. Would that make him run away again, though? Where is he, where is he, where the hell is he?

"N!" Touya shouts out into the night, to no avail. His heart is racing.

Quick, quick, think, where would he have gone? What's around Mistralton City? Would he be in Chargestone Cave again? That's very likely, yes, but they _do_ get signal in Chargestone, so it makes no sense that he couldn't even get a call through. What else is nearby? Route 7 is just ahead, but what would N be doing out there?

"N, where are you?" No, no, no, this is bringing up a lot of really shitty memories. This is bad, this is really bad. He's not here. No, the route is longer than he's traveled, but he can't see him, he can't see N, N isn't here and Touya has no idea why he left.

He sprints back to Chargestone, calling for N through the chasms, but there's not a single answer, not even from the Pokémon hiding in the shadows. N is just... gone? No, he can't be gone. Didn't he - wasn't he doing better? Did seeing the ex-members of Team Plasma in Driftveil really fuck him up that badly? Did he lose all that progress so quickly? Was it something even earlier? Was it going to the Giant Chasm? Was it watching Pokémon battle and get hurt for sport at PWT? Was it the hours upon hours of interviews back at the base of Mount Silver? Was it - was he - is he -

_Is he avoiding me?_

"N!"

No answer. That hurt his throat, though.

"Okay, okay, where else could he be?" Touya asks himself aloud, because thinking to himself right now is difficult. "Th-The nearest towns t-to here a-are, um, um... D-D-Drift...veil..." Is he breathing? Not really. "A-An - A-And..." Breathe. "I-Icirrus. Driftveil, Icirrus, Driftveil, Icirrus, th-then, then... R-Relic Passage, Driftveil Bridge, PWT... Icirrus Moors, a-and... Celestial... and..."

Dragonspiral Tower.

"You fucking - " _You fucking idiot!_

As to who that's directed at, he's not sure he'll ever know. Touya is sprinting out of the cave nonetheless, towards Driftveil; he's gone too deep in to try backtracking to Mistralton. He just needs to run, needs to feel the electricity on his skin and notice when it's gone, and when he's outside, and when he can fly to Dragonspiral Tower. He just needs to breathe, and feel, he needs to let the electricity surround him because that's something N loves about this place, it makes him feel grounded, electricity is expressed in formulas, and _formulas express electricity and it's connection to Pokémon, if people did not exist this would be an ideal place, you have been chosen you know, does it surprise you that I -_

_"Samurott!"_

Touya looks up and makes an almost pained noise, a sound that was supposed to be a word. More noises come out of his throat that he's not processing.

_"Sam..."_ The otter nudges Touya's back, urging him to sit down. He should, he should sit down and breathe and _calm down,_ but N isn't here, and he doesn't know where the hell he went or _why_ he left, he can only _assume_ N is in Dragonspiral Tower, but if he isn't here and he isn't there -

"Get back in your ball." Touya is speaking almost as fast as N, actually.

_"Samurr!"_ A defiant _no,_ from the sound of it.

"Get back in your ball!"

Samurott is stunned, and in that moment, Touya recalls him. He swaps the pokéball with another in one swift movement, and now Zekrom is out in the open air.

_"Roooom!"_

Touya climbs on his back, god this feels just _awful,_ he _hates_ that he remembers how this feels _only_ from chasing helplessly after N. "Dragonspiral Tower."

Zekrom does take off, but not without a cautious glance at Touya. Somehow, the black dragon conveys a message to the mess of a trainer in low rumbles.

_Calm down. We'll find him._

"We need to. We need to. We... We need to." He needs to find N. He needs to find him.

The air at this altitude is cold, thin. It's hard to breathe - it's hard to breathe, it's hard to breathe because it's high up, and he's not breathing at all, he's too nervous because any breath might be his last, and he wants his last breath to be by N's side, but N isn't here, N isn't here and he doesn't know if he's going to find him at Dragonspiral Tower and if he isn't here -

"N - "

_He's on the edge of the tower -_

_"N!"_

_"Zekrooo!"_

N moves, and he moves, and there's a flurry of motion that Touya isn't fully processing, and now he's hopping off Zekrom's back and onto the dusty floor, Touya looks at N and he _sees_ N and yet he sees Reshiram and N with a hat and a twisted reality and _if you want to stop me you must become a hero,_ the columns are weathered and old and somewhere else, then he's somewhere else and N is somewhere else and the tower is a castle and _wonderful dreams and ideals give you the power to change the world, if anyone can it's you, Touya -_

_Well then... Farewell!_

"Touya!"

"Where the hell have you been?!"

He doesn't even recognize his voice, actually.

"I was just here," N says, in a voice that sounds more real than Touya's own. "I thought - "

"Do you know how fucking worried I was?!" He's shaking - is he? Or is the room spinning? "You _never_ run away from me like that again, do you understand me?!"

"Ah... I..."

He's shaking, he's shaking, he's furious and terrified and his life is still flashing before his eyes. "Why are you here?"

It takes a moment for N to answer; of course it does, because he's clearly nervous, but in this state of mind Touya can't register that much. "I was pensive."

"What?"

"Pensive."

"You're talking too fast."

But now N isn't talking at all.

"Why won't you tell me what's on your mind? Are you planning on running away again?" Something gets caught in his throat as he only half-yells now, either despair or horror. "If you think you're going to get away that easily - if you think _I'm_ letting you go that easily, you're dead fucking wrong. Do you know how long I looked for you? Do you know what it feels like to run around the entire _world_ looking for _one_ person? Have you ever seen a statue of Reshiram in some aristocrat's garden and cried because you knew you'd die before you'd see that dragon or its hero again?! Do you - you - "

It's now that Touya realizes it was tears caught in his throat, because now he's sobbing too loud and too hard to keep shouting.

The ground hurts against his knees - he fell, and he hit the ground, and now it smarts, but nothing will ever, ever hurt as much as losing N that day. It's not even today that hurt, no. N left earlier this morning, just this morning, he left and he was found and everything was fine. Somehow, though, this was worse. Was it only because N didn't tell him where he was going? That begs the question, though, of _why_ he didn't just _tell_ Touya that he was coming here. There was no reason not to, no reason not to leave a text for him or even a hand-written note in that pretty script handwriting, there was no fucking reason to just run away without a word, there was no reason, no reason, there was _no reason -_

_There was_ _no reason to yell at him like that, how did you fuck up this badly, this is why he must've ran away in the first place, because_ you, _Touya, you are fucking overbearing and overprotective and so much more than N wants, he loves you as a neutral presence but if you're anything else he doesn't fucking_ want _you, what are you even doing here, why don't you just let him go because he clearly doesn't want you around anymore how did you even consider yourself a hero what kind of idiot are you you selfish stupid fucking -_

The voice in the back of Touya's head shuts up only when he almost vomits.

"Touya!" Almost a whisper, almost a yell. He can't hear quite right.

Touya swallows, and breathes in, but that actually _hurts_ his lungs, and he just sobs again, almost a scream, a noise that sounds like someone beating him to death with a staff. Every breath he does take is too fast, too deep, it feels like he could puke his lungs out right now and honestly - honestly? In all honesty? That would be the best case scenario right now. If N wants to leave his life for good -

"I don't wanna be alive anyway."

The words are way too choppy, too strangled and slurred for anyone to understand.

"Why would you say that, Touya?"

Anyone does not, in fact, seem to include N.

"I... ah..." A shuddering breath. Another sob. The vague words come out more like squeaks.

N is speaking. He can't understand the words, but he hears _leave_ and _you,_ and no matter what else was in that phrase, Touya hears a death sentence.

"Go." That's all he can coherently say.

"I am not leaving you, Touya."

Ah. That voice. The same voice that told him to become a hero, to try and stop him. Harsh and pronounced. Slower, though. Well-stated, clearly enunciated.

"Do you understand me?"

Angry, even.

Touya looks up at N, and there's fire in his eyes. That's rare.

"...what?"

"Are you even fucking listening to me, Touya?" _Ah,_ no, no, why is he - "Can you even hear me?"

His heart is either beating too fast to feel, or it's stopped. "No."

N melts, and the world melts around him. "Where's Samurott?"

"I don't... I... uh..." _I don't understand,_ but even that's impossible to say. His head is in another world. His head is in the clouds, and there's a tornado en route. He's choking on something.

N is reaching for a pokéball on Touya's belt, and he hears a rolling roar, almost a purr, and there's a heavy weight on his back, and everything fades. His chest hurts, his throat hurts, his eyelids hurt and he's fluttering in the grey area between consciousness and lack thereof.

"...not going to... understand why... need to be..." Ah. Um. No. Who's speaking? "But that's not... came back so... for nothing. I am _not..._ need you..."

He slumps over.

"Touya!"

Nothing.

Nothing.

Nothing at all.

If anything is being said, the next minute or month or millennia is spent hearing sound waves and absolutely nothing of any comprehensible value. That doesn't make sense. Everything is quiet. Gone. Nothing. His eyes are completely out of focus. He has eyes. He thinks he has eyes.

"Touya."

Hm.

"It's N."

Oh?

"Can you hear me yet, Touya?"

_Oh my god I found you -_

"I, fuh... yh..." No words yet. Nothing yet. Touya isn't here yet.

"Are you trying to answer me yet?" No answer, though he would like to give one. N sighs. "I don't know what to do. I should have asked him to bring you out sooner."

_"Samurr."_

"I understand that, but has he ever sent you back when he clearly needed you?"

_"Rot. Samur saa."_

"I know, okay? I know I should have let him know where I was going, but I was gone for even less time than I was in Driftveil!"

_"Saaa. Murro."_

"And the missing reception wasn't helping, either." Not anger. Frustration. That was frustration earlier. "I just... I don't know what to do. I don't know how to help him! He was okay when I was out in Driftveil, wasn't he?"

_"Ru. Samurrrot."_

"Why was this _so much_ worse, then?"

_"Samur saa rro samuro."_

A hand on his head. "I see. I know I was in the wrong, but... He's... Have you ever seen him like that?"

_"Sa?"_

"That angry."

_"Murro rot."_

Pause. "That makes more sense - though, if we _were_ angry instead of terrified, I wouldn't blame him."

_"Saaam."_

"No, it's not a _pity me, it's my fault_ thing. I just mean that I _know_ I did something wrong. If he were angry at me for that, that would be perfectly reasonable. Being nervous is just as much so."

He's not mad at N. He could never be mad at N. Truth be told, he was mad at himself for letting N get away for even a minute, even a second.

" _Murrot?"_

"Is he?" There's an unfamiliar roughness to N's voice.

"Rrrr..."

"I hope so. He's been practically comatose." Pause. "Has this happened before? I remember him being very upset at the Giant Chasm, but not to this extent."

It's strain.

_"Samurr. Samurott."_

"It isn't fair. He doesn't deserve it."

Strain from crying.

"N."

"Touya?" His vision is still off, but he feels N's hand in his hair, and it's just now that he realizes the pressure under his head is too soft to be the ground, and the weight on his chest is too much to be just his arm. "Can you hear me?"

"Y... Yeah."

"Can you understand me?"

"I can."

"Good, good," though N says that though what sounds like tears. "I'm glad you can hear me again. I'm sorry I left without telling you. I thought I would only be gone for an hour, and you would sleep through it. I didn't realize you woke up."

Slowly but surely, the double or triple or quadruple vision clears and settles. "Yeah."

"...did you understand that?" He wants to nod, but he can't move. "I'm so sorry, Touya. I'm so, so sorry."

Touya looks up - he realizes he's sitting face up, rather. N's face is above his, eyes tinged red with misery. The weight on his chest seems to be Samurott.

"It's okay," Touya replies to N after a moment, working on autopilot, but he hears those words and knows they're the right ones. "I'm not mad."

"You should... you should rest soon. W-We should go back."

Touya only shakes his head. "It's... It's okay. I'm comfortable here."

"It would be more comfortable if we went back to the Pokémon Center." He's speaking so slowly.

"It's okay."

"I think we should go back, Touya."

"You never talk too fast."

That seems to catch N off-guard. "Sometimes I do, but that's okay. I'm working on it."

"Don't worry about it."

"I just want to make sure you can understand me - "

"It's fine, I can."

" - because you make me so happy, Touya."

"I like your voice. I like how you talk. I like all the things you say."

_I like you._

He likes how N speaks in poems, how N speaks to Pokémon, how he speaks _about_ Pokémon like he's just found out about them for the first time every time. He likes how N's voice floats and flutters like an aria, he likes how N asks questions and answers them in the same breath, he likes how he's explored himself and the world and come back with a smile filled with a hope Touya has never seen before. He likes how N speaks to Pokémon with an extra ring in his voice and an extra cheer in his eyes, how those eyes always burn with the same comfort as a campfire in the forest or a hearth in the dead of winter. He likes how N rambles on about mathematical equations he doesn't understand, how he tries to teach Touya for hours on end with the utmost patience even though it's a losing battle. He likes how N's voice jumps a little higher in a field of blue crystals, or on a ferris wheel four hundred feet off the ground, how he wants to share all the things that make him happy with Touya. He likes how perfectly balanced he is between gentle and powerful, he likes how N's hand feels in his, he likes how he's here, how he's _alive,_ how he's his dearest friend, how he shifts just a little with every breath, how his heart beats and how soft his hair is and how gingerly he strokes Touya's hair and how delicate his touch is and how genuinely he says _you make me so happy Touya -_

"You make me happy, N."

"Thank you, Touya. Thank you."

_I love you._

_Oh my god I love you._

"...I'm sorry about all of this, Touya."

Touya finally, finally regains control of his body, and he smiles at N sleepily and uncontrollably. "I forgive you. I promise."

Hahah. Hah. He feels so dizzy. He's in love and it's giving him vertigo. It's a ferris wheel, high and low, rocking, swaying in the wind, but always turning, always functional, cyclical and infinite.

_How long have I been in love with you?_

"Do you feel any better?" N still has tears in his voice, and that kills Touya a little. "I'm sorry I couldn't do anything to help you. I-If you can tell me what would help tomorrow when you feel better, I promise I'll remember if this ever happens again, a-and then I can help you. I want to make you happy, Touya."

"You do. You make me happier than you know." He's not even sure if he's controlling his voice or if his heart is just spilling. Probably the latter.

N blinks at him, tears flicking off his eyelashes. "Do I?"

Touya can only muster a nod, an almost drunk smile. He's in love. When did he fall in love?

"Thank you for saying that."

"I mean it."

N sobs. "Thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank..."

N lifts Touya into a hug, and Touya twists himself around until he's almost in N's lap, his arms wrapped around N, his face nestled against the crook of N's neck. It's amazing how two human bodies can fit so perfectly together.

"N."

"Yes, Touya?"

"I want you to be happy."

"I am happy. I'm happy with you. You," his voice hitches, "are the light of my life, Touya. Please always, always remember this."

He really can't remember when he fell in love with N. "So are you."

Maybe he always has. Maybe this was fate, or destiny. Maybe this is a bond between two souls that spans far, far beyond the lore of dragons and heroes.

"...I hope I can help you feel better next time."

"Whatever you did this time, do that again."

"But you weren't moving for an hour," he chokes out.

"That happens. Just be patient with me, okay?" N pulls him closer, and Touya's heart soars. "You're always patient when you try to teach me math."

N laughs a little, though it's strained. "That's a little different."

"It's okay. As long as you wait for me, everything will be okay."

"I don't want to wait, though. I want to do something for you."

"All you need to do is hold me and wait. I'll be okay if you're here. I trust you."

N's breathing slows to a calmer pace over the next few minutes. "You trust me?"

"Yeah."

"Did I break that trust when I came here?"

"No."

"You were so upset..."

"I was just scared."

"But I - "

"That's what anxiety does to you." Pause. "I'm working on it. Just stick with me and be patient, okay? I'll get to a point where this doesn't happen one day."

"I would like to see that day."

"You will."

"Will it be soon?"

"Dunno."

It doesn't matter when he fell in love. All that matters is that he _is_ in love. And he could lose N if he doesn't feel the same way, but that thought won't come until morning, when his brain has rebuilt the chemicals that tell him everything will go wrong. For now, he's in love, and he's not afraid to be in love.

"Touya."

"N?"

"I'm never leaving you again. I swear on my life."

N plants a quick kiss on Touya's forehead, and now they're looking at each other. The rest of the world has fallen away.

"I swear."

"And I'll never leave you, N, okay? Do you believe me?"

"Always." N hugs him again. "Forever and always."

_I love you._

Touya feels the world eroding as sleep fogs his mind. "Wanna go back?"

"Yes, please. You can fly with me on Reshiram, if - you should, you shouldn't fly on your own right now." N pulls him close, so close, but somehow not close enough.

_I love you._

"Touya?"

"Mhm?"

"Should we return?" Not _go,_ but _return._ A different weight, a different connotation.

"Yeah." No motion, though. "Thank you, Natural. You have no idea how much I care about you."

"Nor do you, Touya," N grins. "You mean more than any of my words could ever describe."

Touya could think of three words to describe it, but now he has to figure out how to say them to N.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well this was a long emotional roller coaster  
> welcome to _this series is almost over and Touya is just now fully comprehending that he is helplessly in love with N Harmonia,_ the feature length film, starring severe panic attacks and hurt/comfort. i imagine N was only actually at Dragonspiral for like three minutes and like just landed before Touya showed up in full-blown WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING I WAS SO SCARED mode and N is just D: emoji while Samurott has to be a therapy pokémon for two (2) scared boy ~~friends~~  
>  also!!! it is 7am and i gotta be up in 3 hours so uhhhh good night ;u;


	46. how, how, how do i say this?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Touya has often hesitated to act on his desires from this anxiety. This time, he can't hold back.

Three days later, and he's already about to explode.

Touya is, in fact, in love with N Harmonia, and that's diving him insane. It's not that the feeling of love is hurting him, no; it's quite the opposite, in fact. It's so overwhelmingly soft and sweet and dizzying that he can barely keep his feet on the ground. It's the fact that his love is not only omnipresent, but impossible to ignore. Even in the few quiet days he's had to recover from melting down over a problem that never existed (typical), the thought of _I love you_ , _I don't know when or why it started but I love you_ has been overwhelming him. Every frame per second with even a hint of N sends Touya's heart into his throat. Perhaps he's always been in love, but now he's _aware_ of it, and that's what makes this suddenly that much more difficult.

Hence, he's arrived at an old friend's house for a short time, just to desperately seek help from someone who desperately sought his help several years back.

"Cheren!"

Cheren gave Touya a spare key to his home in Aspertia upon his return to Unova, on the pretense of _if you run into any trouble - and I know you will - my door is always open,_ and now's the time to put that open door to the test. Sure, it's almost midnight, and sure, Touya has a somewhat limited amount of time until N returns from visiting his sisters, but Touya kinda needs someone to kick his ass into gear about this.

"Cher? Where you at?"

"In my bedroom upstairs. Come on up."

Touya heads up the stairs as if he'd lived here all his life; no, he's never even been to Cheren and Bianca's home in Aspertia until just now, but he has been to their houses individually. His friends are homes in their own special ways.

By that logic, Touya throws himself onto Cheren's bed and shrieks in frustration into the pillows. That does not make him feel better in any tangible way, but it feels like the right thing to do.

"...can I help you?"

"I'm in love and I don't know what to do," he mumbles into the plush pillows.

"Just tell N how you feel already."

Another scream. Cheren always knows too much.

"Is that _not_ the answer you're looking for?" Cheren turns away from his desk, gathering the weight of this situation.

Touya sits up at last and faces Cheren. "Look, man, here's the thing; I do _not_ know if he feels the same way. I know we're friends, and we're close, but I don't even know if he's gay. I don't even know if he has _any_ romantic inclination for _anyone,_ you know? So like - "

"Look, just do or don't. It's not that hard."

"Says the guy who doesn't remember how he started dating his girlfriend."

Cheren blushes at that, clear and red on his pale skin. "You shut the hell up. Sometimes things are natural like that, okay?"

_Natural,_ said in a normal context, and yet Touya still feels like there's stardust in his veins at the word, the melody of a sound. "Yeah, so it was easy for you. It's a lot harder to have to actually think about what to say to someone. What do I do if he doesn't feel the same way? Do I just leave? I-I mean," he adds quickly, immediately countering himself, "I-I would still be his friend, r-really, b-but maybe he would just want some time alone, is all."

Cheren can only shrug. "If he turns you down, you should just ask him what he wants to do from there." Pause. "Wait, weren't you just in Mistralton City?"

"Yeah, Zekrom brought me down here. I needed advice."

"You could've called, you know."

"You only pick up your phone half the time, you know."

"Whatever," he rolls his eyes. "Look, let's not focus too much on the rejection. He'll probably tell you what he wants, and if he doesn't know, the best bet is to give him some space and let him come back to you. Sound good?"

"Sounds horrible, but yeah."

"Well, what do you - "

"I-I mean, being turned down sounds horrible," he clarifies. The idea of it is stabbing him in the chest, but at the same time he feels numbed by the realization that he's _in love with N,_ a fluttering he's still completely unaccustomed to having.

"Fair enough. Let's do this methodically; where do you want to tell him?"

"Chargestone Cave."

"...wait, did you leave him up there?"

"He's visiting his sisters right now," Touya answers. "I-I told him I was gonna swing down because you called me for something, b-but - "

"Oh, so it's _my_ fault you're here?"

"Cheren, I am trying to come to terms with the fact that I am apparently the densest fucking idiot on the face of the planet right now, okay? Give me a break."

Pause. "Do you mean you didn't realize you're in love with him?"

"No!" He flops back down dramatically on the bed. "That's why I need advice! If I knew any sooner, I-I would've been able to think it out more!"

"What, are you on a timer, or something?" Cheren finally gets up from the desk to sit by Touya.

"N-No, no, but if I knew this sooner, I-I still would've probably been too anxious to say anything, a-a-and I could've figured this out on my own," he sighs, exasperated with himself. "I-I'm at a point right now where I kinda can't _not_ tell him. A-And we kinda had an argument earlier, and I," and he's just now realizing why this is a bit of a time-sensitive issue, "I wanna make sure he knows I'm not mad at him."

"...can't you do that without confessing your love for him? I'm not saying you shouldn't," Cheren quickly adds, "but I am saying that, if you need more time to figure this out, you don't need to tell him right now."

"I-It, um, k-kinda relates to the argument."

Touya's stomach sinks at the memory. It's not like he needs to tell N that he wants to say _I love you_ as a way of apologizing, but it'll clear his own conscience a little; and if all goes well, maybe N will say the same to him. He does have anxiety, and sometimes he doesn't cope with it, but that was... bad, that night was _really_ bad. That was one of the worst bursts of panic he's ever had, and he's been _better_ than he was four or five years ago. He went so far as to yell at N, to project his own fear as anger, and that's not something he thinks he's ever done; surely, it's not something he ever wants to do again. He needs to make sure N knows that he didn't yell because he was _mad_ at him, but because -

"What did you fight about, if I may be so bold?"

"He left for Dragonspiral Tower during the night b-because... I-I guess he just needed to think, b-but I woke up, and he was gone, and..." He doesn't want to remember how that felt. Oh, he _does_ remember. He just doesn't want to amplify it.

"You were upset."

"Yeah. Because I love him, a-and that was _terrifying._ I need him to know I wasn't yelling at him because I was mad."

"It was because you love him."

"Yeah. I need him to know that." Pause. "I just generally need him to know I love him."

Cheren nods quietly, processing the information carefully. "Did you work that out?"

"When I came to, yeah."

"So everything is fine with that, right?"

"Y-Yeah, but..."

Cheren sighs a little. "You know, if it's all settled down, you can let go of that argument. There's no need to overcomplicate things."

"I-I know, but I think he's still upset. I-I think... I think he can tell I'm not being totally honest when I tell him I was just upset because he's my _friend,_ right? B-Because I love him more than just that, and I won't tell him, a-and hiding that is making him nervous. Maybe... I dunno, maybe he thinks I'm still mad at him, a-and... I really don't know, Cher. I just know he's upset."

"How do you figure?"

"Well, how do you know when Bianca is upset about something?" No answer. "You just do, huh?"

He groans. "I hate when you're right."

"Right back at you. B-But, look, Cheren - "

"Just drop the argument part of this, okay? If you both apologized and moved on, there's no need to bring it back back."

"Right." That's one thing settled, at least.

"If it's _that_ important for him to know you love him - and I'm sure it is, I understand, - you just need to be point-blank about it."

"Shouldn't I try to have some tact, or...?"

"Man, I don't know," Cheren huffs. "You think I know anything about love?"

"Not really, but you're my friend, so you're stuck with me."

"Why didn't you ask Bianca?"

"'cause she'll probably just tell N herself, a-and I really don't want a messanger."

Pause. "True. Well... you said Chargestone Cave, right?" Touya nods. "Why there?"

"B-Because it's special to us," Touya answers simply. "We battled there before, b-but after that, we just talked for _hours_ about... j-just about everything under the sun, everything and anything. We jumped from moral dilemmas to taking selfies in the little bit of light there was to the biology of ice type Pokémon to... just all of it, you know? A-And I hugged him there before he left, and we keep going back there, and I love it there because _he_ loves it there, and I only have good memories from there, and..." Pause. Maybe it's a bad idea then, because if this goes wrong... "I dunno. M-Maybe I should try to figure out if N is gay, first."

"I don't think sexuality has anything to do with it. If he loves _anyone_ in this world, it would be you, no questions asked."

"You think so?"

"Touya, after dating Bianca for awhile, I started to notice a certain look in her eyes when she looked at me." It sounds like a bit of a non-sequitur, but Cheren always works his way back around. "You can just kinda... you can see it. Sometimes you can't see it when you're wondering if it's really there or not, but trust me, I saw it in his eyes in Nuvema. N looks at you the way Bianca looks at me."

Touya takes a deep breath, then another, and _wow_ it's so much easier to breathe when his anxiety levels are comparably low. "Right."

"I'm not making any promises," he adds as a disclaimer, "and I'll always be here for you if something goes wrong, but... look, Touya, I think it's worth just going for it. Agonizing over it is just going to make you put it off."

{Touya i'm coming back! i'll be there in ten minutes!} _Oh shit I gotta go soon -_

[okay! can we meet at Chargestone?] Hopefully his apprehension isn't as obvious over text.

{of course ^u^ i'll see you there!}

Touya runs through his options one last time, scenes of every rejection, of N disappearing for good, or sticking around Unova and simply avoiding Touya, but there's scenes of collecting sea glass on the beach together, sitting under the stars with their legendary dragons, a hero and a hero, a heart for a soul, black and white mixing into the perfect grey sky that waters the world and brings life to everything, everyone, to N and to him _you bring me life N -_

"Fuck it, we'll do it live."

"That's the - wait, right now?" Cheren calls after Touya, but he's already halfway out the door.

"Yes, now!"

"Touya, it's midnight, shouldn't you - "

"I can _not_ sleep peacefully with this hanging over me! I have literally no way of knowing if this is gonna work out, so... so fuck it, I'm just gonna go for it."

Cheren gives Touya a lopsided grin. "You _can_ be determined as all get-go when something catches your interest, you know."

"Yeah, yeah. If I call you, don't hold the phone too close to your hear, because either way I'm gonna scream."

"Godspeed, Touya!"

And in another ten seconds, Touya is flying off.

Zekrom's body is smooth under Touya's fingers, sleek and easy on the senses. For once, Touya is present while flying with his dragon. He's not _looking_ for N; rather, he's meeting him. Some part of him feels like this could easily be the end, this could be where everything comes undone, but some other louder part of him insists everything is going to work out just fine in the end. He doesn't expect to go through with this without a few hiccups, without a lot of stammering and awkward silences, but he does expect the words _I love you_ to come loudly and clearly enough that N understands him as clearly as he understands the voices of Pokémon.

To say he loves N _romantically_ might be a good addendum to that _I love you_ , though. Touya has mentioned that he loves his friends, his family, his Pokémon, but he needs to be sure N is definitely, one hundred percent sure that he means to say _I love you romantically;_ Touya is _in love with_ N, and that needs to be clear. That needs to be clear so N knows what it means to say _I love you too,_ so that he knows not to reciprocate in the worst case scenario. Despite Touya's inexplicable optimism about this (maybe he's just seeing N through rose-tinted lenses right now), he has to brace for the worst. He can't - he literally _cannot_ let himself melt down on N again, he can't do anything that would guilt N into reciprocating love where no love exists. In the same breath, though, he can't - seriously, honestly _cannot_ let himself believe that N is lying if he _does_ reciprocate. He just needs to accept the reality of this, of them, he needs to accept whatever happens no matter how perfect or how horrible it is.

He's already here. He sees N down there. He feels sick.

_"Zekrrrro." It's going to be okay._

"Thanks, Zekrom," Touya whispers, hugging the dragon as best he can while flying. "Wish me luck."

_You don't need it._

"Oh."

With that, Zekrom lands, and it nudges itself back into its pokéball on its own volition. It seems to know that Touya needs to be alone with N for this to actually work. The moment of silence in between Zekrom's disappearance and N's voice almost makes Touya want to keel over.

"Hi, Touya."

"Hi. Um..." Fuck this is going to be harder than he thought, this is going to be _way_ harder than he thought. "Wanna go for a walk?"

"Of course," N answers in that sweet sonnet of a voice. "You're coming to enjoy it here too, aren't you?"

"Yeah, you could say that."

Touya holds N's hand in his, and N doesn't even begin to recoil; no, he simply grips Touya's hand with just as much force, a gentle, comforting pressure. The crystals seem to glow brighter than before, the sparks sting a little more, but maybe that's just Touya being overly perceptive, trying to bury himself in the world before he can drown in the fear that this _will_ go wrong.

"What are you thinking about, Touya?"

_You._ "Not much. I-I'm just happy to be here."

N looks over at him, and when Touya's eyes meet his, he feels thunderbolts firing in his chest, flames engulfing his heart. "I am too. I mentioned this before, but I never came here while you were gone. We spent such a long time down here that it felt wrong to visit without you. It would feel empty that way."

"Y-Yeah, yeah," _steady,_ "I-I kinda felt the same way about the ferris wheel. That's why I was waiting for you to get back before I went back on - n-not like I was in Unova for long after you left, but..."

"I'm glad we're back here, though. In spite of everything, this region holds good memories for me." Pause. "You helped me make these memories, Touya. You've had such a positive impact on my life, and I can only hope that one day I can repay you."

Touya nods a little, but his joints feel stuck, his movements made in stop motion frames. "Y-You can - I-I mean, you already have by being here."

N laughs softly, sweetly. "I appreciate your kindness, Touya, but if there's anything you _really_ want me to do for you, please do tell me. I would do anything for you." Is he blushing? Is _N_ blushing? "Because we're friends."

For now. "Thank you."

Words are failing him right now. He still doesn't have the words to describe just how fucking much N means to him, how absolutely perfectly N fits into his life. He doesn't have the words to do him justice, this hero - and he _is_ a hero, he _is_ a king in his own special way. Unconditional kindness and a need to learn about the world, a need to be _part_ of the world, it all mixes perfectly with an unwavering determination, a desire to be better and do better and protect every little life from any harm that may befall even the tiniest of living beings. He doesn't have the words to explain how every facet of him mixes together to make N so lovable.

Touya simply leans into N as they walk, hardly paying any mind to the fact that other trainers might be in here. He just needs to be close to him.

"Yes?"

"Nothing. I just wanna be close." Oh. That was easier to say than he thought it would be.

"O-Oh. Okay." Something in his voice sounds a little nervous, but something else sounds almost excited. "I'm right here."

Touya shuts his eyes and lets N lead him through the cave. This is nice. This is really, really nice. His senses are dulling out the chattering Joltik and crackling crystals, and the static is getting more and more distant with each step, the ground is falling away. All Touya can sense is N, the softness of his fluffy mess of hair and the heat of his hand, his smooth, slender fingers and the shifting rustle of his clothes as he leads Touya to who knows where. He would follow N to the ends of the world; oh, of course, of course he's run to the ends of the earth looking for him, looking for N Harmonia, but now he's here, and Touya would do anything and go anywhere to keep him this close.

"Touya?"

He finally opens his eyes. Both of N's hands are holding his, and it looks like they've stopped in their favorite spot. Touya meets N's gaze and feels himself melt in the most beautiful way.

"I just... want to thank you for everything you've ever done for me," N speaks softly, quickly, a pace that Touya has learned to love a long time ago. "This isn't just about Team Plasma. This is about me - about _you,_ and - and how you've changed me. I hesitate to ever say that someone can be fixed, a-and I'm sure you can understand why, but when I look at where I've come from and who I've become, I can only attribute my repairs to _you,_ Touya."

He almost looks like he's in tears, and it worries Touya that he can't tell what emotion is is making N cry.

"I had never, ever doubted myself until I met you in Accumula Town, Touya. It wasn't just what Samurott said about you as a young Oshawott, but it was the fact that I... Touya, I looked at you, and I saw someone I never could have imagined. I had only known you for a minute, but I knew that we... that you would mean something, _everything_ to me."

N is smiling now, though tears, and Touya thinks he might actually be happy.

"Every moment with you has been a gift, Touya, a _blessing._ I just..." He pauses for a long moment. "I just need you to know that."

Touya's heart is racing so fast that he can't tell if it's even beating, but this time, the feeling is welcomed. "I feel the same way about you, too. Something about you makes you easy to be around, do you know that? I-I had anxiety to the point that I almost backed out and didn't even try to get my first gym badge, but - but... I wanted to keep going so I could find you again. You - a-and look, I need you to understand I never thought I would be where I am today - you gave me the determination to keep going. I never _had_ that before. I never even had the _courage_ to move forward, and..."

The air is quiet for a moment. Touya's thoughts race so fast through his head that he's not even sure how to finish this monologue, how to carry on, how to tell N -

"And?"

"I dunno."

No answer.

"Sorry. I-I'm... k-kinda at a loss for words."

N falters slightly. "I see."

"I-I told you, though, you're a lot better at words than I am," he adds quickly, in hopes that N will feel better. He can't tell if that's helping or not, though.

"You did say that, didn't you?" N is still smiling, but something sad is in his eyes, and yeah, this is where it all goes wrong. "I'm sorry, Touya. I didn't mean to pressure you into saying anything you... well, anything."

"I-I-It's not that, no! I-I, I wanna tell you how I feel, b-but there's so much of it, and I'm remembering everything all at once, a-and I don't know what to say or what to do and - "

"Touya." A firm yet gentle voice. The panic Touya was working himself into subsides a little.

"...sorry."

"Don't be. There's nothing to apologize for."

"Sorry."

"It's okay."

"I-I'm sorry," louder this time, beginning to tremble and waver under the weight of an imbalanced formula in his head. "I-I just feel bad for wasting your time just _rambling -_ "

"I ramble a lot too, though, so - "

" - when I'm just trying to figure out how to tell you I love you!"

Silence.

"I... I guess that's... one way to say it." Smooth. No, not smooth. He can't even say that sarcastically, that was just bad, this was a bad idea, N might turn him down and he just needs to hold his breath and -

"Really?"

And it hurts to say this knowing that anything, anything can happen right now. "Really."

"R-Really?!"

Oh wow, that voice, that's - has N ever sounded that - is that excitement? Is he -

"Touya," N leans towards Touya, who staggers back with their shifted weight, "please promise you mean it, please, I - "

"I-I promise," say it right, clearly, "I promise I love you, Natural."

N almost squeals, grabbing Touya into a spinning hug, laughing and almost crying and swirling around with his hero as if this were their last moment on earth. "I love you too! I love you so much, Touya!"

Wait -

Wait, really? Really?!

"I've been trying to find the courage to tell you, because I was worried you didn't feel the same way, and I thought if you didn't love me, I would make you upset or uneasy, and I only want to make you _happy,_ Touya, I - I love you, I love you, I love you so, so much!"

The ground comes back, and the world steadies. N's hands are on Touya's head, one cupping his cheek and the other twirled in his hair like it's his lifeline.

"Touya."

Touya feels himself smiling so, so much brighter than the sun and moon and stars. "I love you too, Natural. I-I'm sorry it took me this long to tell you."

"Oh, who cares how long it took? You told me, and now I'm always yours."

"So am I."

Touya has never in a million years imagined making this move, but it feels right, here and now.

"What are - "

Touya rests one hand on N's shoulder, and the other swirls into his hair. He's always had a particular smell about him, a scent of mashed berries and fallen leaves, a perfectly natural scent for his namesake. He's happy to confirm that N's kiss does, in fact, taste as good as he smells.

The kiss only lasts for three seconds, but it's the longest, most magical three seconds of his life.

"What... What was that?"

Touya just smiles at N, because he can't do anything but smile at N, _his_ N. "You know what a kiss is, don't you?"

"Um... I don't think so." Okay, that's a blatant lie. "Could you demonstrate?"

Another kiss, for five seconds. N's grip on Touya's hair tightens just a little, just to prove he's here, this is real, this is a dream but it's not, it's a living, breathing, waking dream.

Touya pulls away again, bouncing on his toes, torn between kissing him again and just _looking_ at him, seeing or feeling the reality that is N. "Does that clear things up?"

"N-Not exactly," though N's smile says _absolutely, yes, please do it again._

"You're silly."

Seven seconds now, another prime number for his perfect mathematician. Touya barely pulls away before N drags him back into another twirling hug, laughing and dancing, guiding Touya through a sort of waltz that comes so naturally that he would think he's a ballroom dancer from some victorian movie, from some royal masquerade filled with illicit romance and disappearances.

This, however, is not illicit, and N has not disappeared. The rest of the world has, and it only returns when one of them stumbles and trips, and Touya falls into N's lap as if the world wanted this moment to happen.

"...hi, N." Touya feels breathless, and it feels _wonderful._

"Hi, Touya."

"Guess what?"

Oh, N knows what he's about to say. "What is it, Touya?"

"I love you."

"I love you too."

N pecks Touya quickly, a little messily, sweet and innocent. There is nothing more beautiful and terrifying than innocence. There is beauty in this terror, in how he drowns in the absolute perfection that is Natural Harmonia, there is beauty and terror in balance in how uncontrollably in love he is; no, more than that, this is _sublime_ , destructive and awe-inspiring. He's sublime. N is -

"I meant it when I said you mean everything to me, Natural."

"I did too, Touya. I hope you remember that."

"Always."

"Forever?"

"Forever and always."

For Touya, this is an ideal place, and an ideal moment, and an ideal lover in Natural Harmonia.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cheren, a good friend: hey can you just like say you love him or what  
> Touya, a gay: idk what if that doesnt work and -  
> N, another gay: 100% YOUAERE My FUCKIGN BO>YFREIONGD  
> Touya, a happy gay: ALRIGHT ALRIGHT ALRIGHT ALRIGHT -  
> fdsjhgdjk this has been. a fucking wild ride my dudes. we got one more set of boyfriends to officially boyfriend and i've been writing nonstop to make sure i get this out for the Big Holiday™, and i'm so glad i did bc i'm actually super happy with this one :D how much are u willing to bet that N was going to try and confess to Touya and Touya stole his thunder ~~thats exactly what happened and honestly no one is complaining lol~~  
>  anyway happy crimmus! it's crimmih! merry crisis! merry chrysler!


	47. softly, softly, moving ahead

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Green didn't expect their visit to Nuvema Town to go quite like this. He expected the obvious match-making attempts even less.

He's a little worried, but a little excited.

Green knows that Red is definitely nervous about this, but he's just a bit... naturally spacey today. It's less of his facade, less of this performative indifference in an attempt to isolate himself, and more of a genuine absence. That's neither here nor there; it would be better if Red were more aware when they reach Nuvema Town, but on the other hand, he might be a little less nervous if he's more distracted. The relative calm of Mistralton City seemed to take a bit of the edge off him - that, and a long-awaited rematch against Crystal that honestly could've been a win on her part. It might just be that his head is elsewhere, but if Red weren't already feeling a little lighter, he would be a wreck right now.

Actually, Red has _generally_ been doing a bit better lately.

Maybe it was finally finishing a conversation they've needed to have for years, or maybe it was the fact that, for once, Green's harshness did something good for Red. While Green hates snapping at Red like that, the fear of _I don't want you to fucking run away again_ is so overwhelming that he tends to lose his senses for a moment or ten. He has no idea what was different about this time, though. Maybe it's that this conversation finally happened away from Mount Silver, a conversation that ultimately amounts to _you need to face your fears, and I will be here every step of the way._ Maybe it finally clicked because Red _is_ facing a world he never wanted to see again, and Green _has_ been here for every step forward and every step back. Maybe that convinced Red that things aren't as bad as they seem.

Green refuses to ask Red where exactly the change of heart came from, though. If he startles his rival now, it's all over.

"Red, c'mon," Green calls casually, and shockingly, Red does hop away from whatever Pokémon he was looking at in the bushes to catch up. This is... odd. Pleasant, but odd. It's still so, so unlike Red to be this willing to meet people he doesn't know, but this behavior is familiar. This feels like a ten year old Red who wasn't slightly traumatized yet, just a shy kid with some breed of early-onset anxiety.

This feels like Red. This feels right.

"What'd you find there?" Green is trying to keep his excitement down, though, trying to keep Red engaged. He's trying to make this feel normal, for either Red's sake or his own.

_(Lillipup,)_ Red answers, still looking back at the bushes. He seems... Everything seems fine. They're getting closer to Nuvema, closer to the point where Red decided to hide, and closer to seeing just how well this does or doesn't go.

There's a tug on his sleeve. Green braces for the worst and hides the anxiety with a grin.

"What's up?"

_(Is Touya already there?)_

"Yeah, he should be. He said he and N headed back here last night. I guess it's a little early in the morning," _early_ being 7AM, in this case, "but he said he's kinda a morning person anyway, so he should be up. He said to just give him a call when we get in."

Red nods, but offers no other input. Okay, that might be bad.

"You good?"

_Nervous,_ Red signs in his own little gesture. Green finds his arm around Red without even thinking of moving.

"We'll be fine, okay? We can head out to Route 17 and 18 in a bit if you wanna take off early."

Red nods a little more, still here, but slipping a little. Green wonders if Red's apparent apathy about the situation at hand was just a good act, or if he's just now realizing what he's getting himself into.

This was, though, Red's idea. He had asked Green if they could visit Nuvema Town, to which Green agreed as calmly and unceremoniously as possible. Red was the one who asked to come down here, and if he wants to back out, so be it, but... Somehow, Green wonders if he's responsible for some of this anxiety. Maybe trying to soothe Red at every turn makes his rival realize that he is, in fact, a nervous wreck, and if that's just making it harder to stay steady. That's more or less what Green did with Touya early on at PWT. Honestly, maybe Green is more anxious about this than Red is.

To his right, Green sees the entrance to Route 17. Red makes no motion to turn down that path, and already they've gone further than they did before as a couple.

Couple? Not - not like that, no, but as a pair - group? Sure. Not a couple. Well, not yet - or at all, or - maybe they - they aren't -

Green forces himself to swallow a sigh. Red has been racing through his mind for many reasons as of late.

The more Green has been worrying about Red, the more he realizes he shares a trait with Touya that he never noticed at first; he's wildly protective of the ones he loves. He's aware that he has a crush on Red, yes, painfully aware. What he wasn't aware of was just how deep in over his head he's been. Honestly, Crystal probably - definitely - noticed how bad he is well before he did. It's just that Red is so... Red. It's something Green has never been able to put into words, something that he's never been able to really quantify. It's the almost wheezing laugh that slips past Red's lips when he's otherwise staying silent, it's the glow in his eyes when something catches his attention, the way he bounces and waves his hands when something _seriously_ excites him, all these tiny little quirks and mannerisms that Green came to love over time, and suddenly he's in love with Red himself, all of him.

So sure, some of his anxiety about Red leaving is from his own issues. More of it seems to be the fact that he is, in fact, in love, and he just wants Red to be happy.

Another tug on his sleeve. Green braces again.

"Hm?"

_Call Touya,_ Red gestures. Looks like his memory is better than Green's today.

"Oh, right. Hopefully he's awake by now. He said he had kinda a long night last night." Red tilts his head at Green the way Pikachu does, a motion to ask for clarification, a motion that makes Green just want to pet his head and keep him as close as possible. "Dunno. He didn't elaborate much, 'cause he said he just got home and passed out. He sounded happy, though, so there's no reason to worry about - "

"Hey, Green," Touya's voice breaks through the dial tone and Green's monologue.

"Hey, we're at the north side of Nuvema. Did you just wake up, or what?"

Touya laughs a bit, a light sound that seems a little unfamiliar. "N-No, no, I've been up for a little bit. N and I were gonna help mom make breakfast for you guys. You remember where my place is, right? O-Or, um, sh-should I go catch up with you, or...?"

"Nah, we'll head over," and Green ushers Red along. Red's motions are a little more tense, but he _is_ moving along. "You need help with that?"

"Dude, you're the guest here. I'm not gonna make you cook things."

"Alright, alright. See you soon. Oh - tell me what happened last night when you get a chance, alright? Bein' all vague is making me curious."

"U-Uh, right." Touya's voice hops up a key. Green can practically see him blushing, and he can definitely guess who this is about. "I-I, um... y-yeah, I'll tell you later. S-See you soon."

At that, Touya hangs up, as not to let Green asked what happened between him and N. He's not very discrete, try as he may.

"Green! Red!!"

_Oh shit -_

Bianca is a nice enough person, but she's so... high energy, especially compared to Red. She's kinda like if Lyra were more mature and less chaotic, really, and that's going to make for a trying time with a still somewhat uneasy Red. He already looks a bit like he's been paralyzed. He hates hearing his name yelled.

"Hey, Bianca," Green waves and subtly (he thinks he's being subtle, anyway,) steps in front of Red as a bit of a buffer, a natural instinct from when they were kids. "What are you doing up this early?"

"I heard Touya came home last night, so I was gonna say hi, but I didn't expect to see _both_ of you here!" Emphasis on the _both._ Red is unresponsive for the moment. Normal, unfortunately.

"Well, when you spend most of your time traveling for battles and research, you get used to showing up unannounced," Green declares. Still no response from Red - or maybe Green is being frantic at this point, overprotective, but if he lets Red handle everything on his own, it's not going to end well - or is it?

"Well, I guess I can't blame you," she hums, "but I'm super happy to finally meet you, Red! Touya said your battle at PWT was one of the best he's ever had! Do you think you'll have a rematch sometime? It'd be cool to see two champions - "

Something in Red's eyes breaks and lights back up in the same blink.

" - battling it out - oh, _especially_ with Touya! He left Unova like, a month after he became champion, so I've never seen him battle any other champions until PWT!"

There's a momentary pause, and Green watches Red's emotions reel and settle like a whirlpool at the bottom of a bathtub, a moment of fear, total absence, an attempt to keep up with her, looking for an answer and finally -

_(I would like that.)_

\- a full response. There's still stiffness in his hands, a jerkiness to his signs, but they're legible, coherent, and it's a full sentence of a response to someone Red doesn't know at _all._

"I would like that," Green translates as Red signs, following the tense motions with what he could only call astonishment. It seems like such a sudden jump for him, and yet Red still looks... somewhere else. Whatever is distracting him seems to be helping, but what _is_ distracting him? What could be so enticing that Red is so lost in his own head that he can communicate this smoothly all of the sudden? 

Rather, what's willing him to be this brave?

[hey Crys what did you and Red talk about the other night in Mistralton?] If anyone would know, it would be her.

"Oh, I can't wait! Your team is _so_ cool, too! I've never seen a team with all three starters! Where did you get them all?"

It's now that Red looks to Green, a gaze bordering more on anxiety and _help I can't keep this up._  "Well, Bulbasaur was from my gramps," Green answers quickly, "which was his starter - and I took Charmander, obviously. I think you said you found _your_ Charmander outside Cerulean, and Squirtle was..." Maybe Red can pick up from here?

_(Route 12, by Snorlax.)_

"Yeah, so just south of Lavender."

"Oooh, is Lavender Town as spooky as people say it is?" Red only shrugs and looks to Green for help again.

"Not really - I mean, yeah, it's a memorial town" he elaborates, "but it's more of a melancholy than creepy vibe. It gets pretty peaceful when you spend enough time there, too. It's just a low energy spot, is all."

_(Quieter than Saffron.)_

" _Definitely_ quieter than Saffron, yeah."

"You know, I do kinda wish we had more quiet spots like Nuvema in Unova," Bianca comments. "It's like everything outside of our little south-east pocket is big cities or wilderness."

_(Undella is nice, right, Green?)_

Oh?

"Undella is beautiful, yeah. Lacunosa is supposed to be pretty chill, too."

"Oh, I love Undella! You guys went up there already, right? It's nicer in the spring before it gets too crowded - but I don't mind the summer rush, either! I just like being at the beach."

"Yeah, it was a vacation in a vacation, huh, Red?"

Red nods a bit, softly, but he's still here. _(Pikachu wouldn't mind running around people in the summer though.)_

Oh.

Oh! Red is talking to Green more so than Bianca. _That's_ how he's handling this. That's... wait, that's how he's _always_ handled this. Any time he got swamped by people asking what his secret was, how he got to be such a powerful trainer, how he took down Team Rocket, every question was answered either by or - or  _to_ Green. Everything is a little more manageable with a safe pocket of someone to turn to for support.

Honestly, Green feels that Red is just as much a sphere of comfort as he is to Red. Red has always been proud of Green when no one else was, Red was always a beacon of unabashed amazement at even the littlest things about him. Green has to admit he was kinda insufferable as a kid, but Red was always there - he always _wanted_ to be there. Red is the one person who has consistently made him feel wanted, needed, _loved -_

Maybe he is loved. Maybe not - no, Green isn't getting his hopes up, but... maybe.

"If you two ever get to Humilau, too, you should go - oh, what am I doing?" Bianca smacks herself lightly. "I should actually get to Touya's place. He's probably wondering where I am by now."

_(Should we go too?)_ signed to Green again. There's a lightness about Red now - or maybe Green is just mesmerized. 

"Yeah, c'mon, - oh, Bianca, Touya actually invited us for breakfast, so we're heading over now, too."

"Oooh!" she coos. "So is it like a double date with you three and N, then?"

If Green were drinking something, he would've choked on it. "I - I'm sorry, what?"

"Oh, never mind. I just thought... you know."  _Thought what?_

The softest noise comes from Red's stifled laughter. He's lucky he's too cute to stay mad at. "N-No, uh, we were just... around. Anyway..."

As if to prove her point, Red walks just a little too close to Green, and they're off. Despite being flustered at this accusation, being this close to Red does raise a good point.

Case in point; Green is a fucking idiot. 

He  _is_ a fucking idiot, he's come to this conclusion and nothing can change his mind. He has spent so much time worrying about how Red will fare down here alone that he forgot that - well not _forgot,_ no. Green has fully intended to stay by Red's side no matter what, but every calculation and theory on how Red will handle the land of the living has assumed he'll handle it _alone_. How did he fuck that up so badly? How could he have possibly assumed that Red wouldn't have him to lean on? Maybe it was the fear of _what if my best friend runs away again_ getting mixed up in all of this, maybe it's the fact that Green is just as worried about Red as Red is about the world. Maybe it's so much to be afraid of that he couldn't sort it all out into one cohesive problem with one cohesive solution, or a hundred problems with a hundred solutions. Maybe it's that he hasn't had any work to do, so he's just been noticing his anxiety more than before. Maybe - fuck, what could it be? Maybe he just worries too much about the people he loves. 

Oh, and of all the people he loves, he's not even sure if _love_ is enough to describe how much Red means to him. 

{We just caught up on small stuff, is all. Why do you ask?} Crystal finally replies.

Green quickly answers while Bianca is ranting, in hopes that Red _can_ handle this one on his own for a moment. [Red seems kinda off today but like more okay than usual? is he good or]

"What do you think, Green? Cinnabar or Undella?" He can assume she's talking about the beaches.

"For beach purposes? Undella, by a long shot. Cinnabar is pretty rocky, 'cause it's a literal volcano. There's not much left on it, since it erupted."

_(Cianwood,)_ Red quickly signs, because yeah, he doesn't wanna talk about Cinnabar.

"Yeah, Cianwood is pretty, too. There's maybe twenty percent solid ground and eighty percent sand."

"Over in Johto?" Red nods before Green can reply, holy shit he is actually holding up in a conversation _god I'm so proud of you -_

{I think he's just happy to be with you.} That reply took longer than it should have.

[what are u hiding]

{?}

[i know ur hiding something you're never this vague]

{ c: }

That is the most ominous fucking thing in the world. More ominous than the smirk that Red gets when he knows he's got Green backed into a corner during a battle is Crystal's wordless smile emote. That almost always spells trouble - not even trouble, but just... something. Something's coming and he's not sure whether to brace for it or let it happen.

"Touya!" Bianca calls into the house, and Red flinches for just a second before gathering himself - mostly. There's still a bit of shock in his eyes. "We're here!"

Touya comes halfway down the stairs before he stops and realizes that he does, in fact, have a party on his hands again. "O-Oh, hi, um, w-we gotta finish getting Samurott's breakfast, b-but we'll be right down, okay?"

"Gotcha!" Wait, we? Touya doesn't need N to help with that, does he? "How've they been since they came back home?" Bianca asks Touya's mom, who's getting the table set.

"Oh, they've been on cloud nine since then," she laughs. "Green, Red," Red doesn't flinch _too_ much at his own name today, "did you hear the news?"

"I hear a lotta news, so you're gonna have to be more specific," Green answers.

"About N and Touya?"

Oh. "Y'know, I had a hunch." Red gives Green that adorable head tilt again. "They hooked up, I'm calling it."

"I'll let them tell you themselves, but they'll probably make it pretty obvious," the woman laughs. "You two are just as in sync as they are, so it was a dead giveaway."

Again with this. "I-I mean, we're not, uh..." Red looks at Green with this innocent gaze that absolutely melts him, and he fucking knows what he's doing. "Um..."

Really, honestly, it's not that he doesn't want to date Red. He wants that more than anything. Maybe he's rushing this, or maybe he's been pining for too long, but he would literally marry Red right now and take him to some tropical island for a honeymoon in an instant if Red would let him. There are some ways that Green can understand how everyone seems to think they're already together (namely a mutual clinginess and Green's less-than-subtle jealous tendencies), but this is the first he's hearing about it. Maybe Touya's recent endeavor have brought his own relationship with Red into question.

Maybe Green is just falling too hard for Red all over again, and he's not as good of an actor as he once thought.

Actually, scratch that. Green has never been a good actor. Crystal caught on in under a week. Or - or maybe she's just more intuitive? 

"Touya, breakfast is ready!" his mom calls up the stair.

"One sec!"

"Get your boyfriend and eat it while it's hot, Tou!"

Green hears Touya stumble at that comment, and N is giggling. So that's definitely what's up.

"Wh-Who told you that?" Touya stammers out, followed very closely by N down the stairs.

"You're not that slick, Touya," he smirks. "It doesn't take that long to feed a Pokémon."

"Oh, shut up." Yeah, Touya is blushing. Seems like he's kinda new to this type of thing, too.

"Admittedly, we did need to make sure Zoroark didn't eat Samurott's food," N explains, possibly being honest and possibly covering for Touya. "He's very interested in salmon, but he already had his breakfast, so he tried to disguises himself to get seconds."

"Sounds like something a Zoroark would - do."

Green's words hitch for a second when Red holds his hand, his mouth stops and his brain completely malfunctions. Did... did something _already_ happen? Is Green supposed to know about something? Have they already - did they - did Red -

Red tugs his sleeve. Green would let the world burn to keep Red as close as he is when he whispers to him and him alone.

"Can we go to Route 18 after this?"

"Of course," Green answers almost too eagerly, and he needs a cover-up for his excitement, the idea of being alone with Red again. "'cause Burgh _did_ tell us to go down to Route 18 at some point."

"I hear it's a popular date spot," Touya's mom teases, and _fuck_ this is getting  _really_ hard to write off -

"Cheren and I went down there for our first date, actually," Bianca mentions too casually for Green's liking. "You boys are gonna have to fight it out for who gets to visit there first, huh?"

"Y-You guys, uh," wow words are hard, why are words harder for him than Red today? "you know we're not like, actually dating, right?"

"What do you mean by _actually_ dating?" _Fuck you Touya seriously -_

"I mean, like..." he looks to Red for some sort of help this time, but Red is silent; intentionally so, and that's _infuriating_ and getting him heated in a weird sort of way that's making him fall in love over and over and  _over._ "Where's all this coming from all of the sudden?"

"Wait, are you _actually_ not dating?" Bianca asks, sounding genuinely, actually surprised. "'cause I totally thought - "

"Did Lyra do this?" Who the fuck else would tell everyone he's dating Red? Who the fuck else  _has_ told people they're a thing?

"The girl with the brown pigtails? Yeah," _for fucks sake,_ "she said you two are like, a thing."

"You kinda are," Touya mutters, and honestly Green is planning on throwing one of these pancakes directly in his face if he says one more word.

"Well, not like - not what she's getting at, no."

_(Not yet.)_

He's not translating that. He is _not_ translating that.

_Wait that's definitely flirting -_

How... okay, yeah, he's been writing off obvious flirtation as nothing, he's been setting himself up for failure on the assumption that Red doesn't know what he's getting at. He's been pretending that nothing is here because he doesn't want to deal with heartbreak, he doesn't want to deal with Red rejecting him, he doesn't want to deal with every possible outcome that doesn't end in Red being his and his alone. He's been pretending that nothing is here, though, and that's more than a little counterintuitive to attempting to date his childhood friend. He's just... torn, though, because this _could_ just be Red messing with him. This could mean nothing.

But Red is going out of his way to make Green happy, throwing himself out of his comfort zone for Green's sake, and that's... that can only be an act of love.

That, and the fact that Red basically said _we're not dating yet,_ as if to say _I fully plan on dating him,_ as if to say -

Wait, what -

Wait -

_What -_

"You good over there, Green?" Touya asks from across the table, and Green suddenly realizes that there are still other people here.

"Yeah, no, gramps just keeps trying to call me," Green answers, fake-muting his phone, and Touya's nod means that he's effectively fooled him - probably. "I keep telling him international calls are expensive, and he just does _not_ get the memo. I mean..."

Green falls into a rant about everything and nothing, because if Green thinks about how hard he's falling for Red all over again, he's going to explode.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> welcome to _Green is in love and pleasantly surprised that his rival is actually doing okay filler chapter,_ the movie, also known as _Green can not ignore Red's flirting anymore and now he's getting flustered_  
>  "how is Red doing okay" you ask???? Red is distracting himself with Green bc The Boy makes him feel Safe and Loved™ and i imagine they did this a lot as kids. both of these boys are kinda hard on themselves so Red realizing that _maybe Green is okay with me leaning on him still_ is such a relief for him  
>  i legit need to write more sweet kinda domestic stuff like this, it's such a nice change of pace from my constant angst lmao ;u; sad stuff is nice to write for venting but fluff just makes me like :D emoji gfhkdj  
> also sorry i've been a bit awol, we had a friend come from out of state so we've been hanging out for the past few days. i'm gonna do my best to get the last (!!!) chapter up for new years! we can go into 2019 with some Good Nameless Feels perhaps  
> (also sorry this is long filler i swear next chapter will be less so)  
> also i literally dont know what to title this one lol


	48. i love you, i love you, i'm awake and i love you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There's no way this is real, but somehow, it isn't a dream.

The sun is getting low in the sky by the time they leave.

Green has made it clear how proud he is of Red, but somehow he feels like he needs to make it even more apparent. He just needs Red to know how amazing he is sometimes, he needs to make up for years of downplaying every magical little thing about him. When Red wants something, he stops at nothing to get it, and it seems like today he wanted to try and move forward, move on, move away from an omnipresent fear and into some lighter era. The fact that Red can just _will_ himself to do that is outstanding. It's more than Green will ever, ever be able to do.

Yes, Red is amazing, and Green hopes he knows that.

Route 17 is mostly water, interrupted periodically with sand bars and rocky outcrops, filled with speeding currents that remind him of the Seafoam Islands. It's mostly deserted right now, oddly enough. Green remembers that there's supposed to be more people around, more trainers, but the quiet is welcomed. He's starting to feel like he's missed the quiet too. Living away from Red meant that he hardly gave himself any time to settle down, any time to breathe in his own mind. Red is here, though, Red is here and so is Green, and the ocean waves are so peaceful.

"Hey, Red! This way!" Green barely has to shout over the sound of the ocean, and Red catches up eagerly to him. Slowking and Blastoise are certainly enjoying their time in the water. It's been too long since the two of them just swam around, explored the world. It's been too long.

"I think we can get to Route 18 from here," Green calls behind him - yes, leading Red, because seeing Red's will to be here, to _exist_ here, that's given him enough comfort to know that Red is following him. "Dunno if it'll be busy there, but I wanna check it out."

"Is something up ahead?" Red asks, just loudly enough to hear over the waves.

"I'm sure _something_ is," he grins, "but I dunno what. I'm just in an exploring mood. You wanna look around too, yeah?" Red nods and smiles, a warm grin that mets his heart. "Good. Let's keep moving, okay?"

Green hears a low rumble of agreement from Blastoise and a yawn from Slowking. Otherwise, their travel is made in comfortably silence.

Green realizes he's missed this, he's missed not only Red himself, but the moments that come with his friend. Hearing the water part under their Pokémon and slosh against the rocks, the wind that peppers them with sea salt and mist, the presence yet absence of a world. Everything feels right with Red. Nothing felt right without him, but everything is falling into place. Even the moments of fear, despair, unease and uncertainty, everything feels right when Red is here.

"Green?"

His voice is so clear. "Yeah?"

"Ahead."

Green nods at the large island in front of them, a mountain littered with trees and short grass. "More of an island than a route, huh? Wanna look around?"

Red nods and hums in agreement, a familiar, wonderful noise. Between everything about him and the recent questions about their friendship, Green truly wonders why he hasn't already made Red his.

Red slips his hand into Green's, and he doesn't fight it, doesn't malfunction so much as he lets his heart take over for his head. He wonders if he could be selfish just this once, if he could keep Red a little too close and hold him for a little too long. He wonders if Red would let him stay here, if Red would let Green love him. Red can do better; Red _should_ do better. Hell, he could've fallen for Crystal years ago and Green wouldn't have even known. It wouldn't be surprising, given how fond he is of her. Maybe he's just looking for an out, though, maybe he's just trying to find a way to put Red's heart where it belongs. Certainly, Red doesn't - shouldn't - Red _can't_ belong to Green.

He wants Red to be his, though, or maybe he wants to be Red's, or - or both, both sounds right.

There is one trainer up ahead, overlooking the east side of the island by a bridge. Green glances at Red, and a familiar unease settles in his black eyes.

"Race you." Red tilts his head a bit, uncertain. "We're gonna go down those stairs on three, got it?"

_"I don't wanna go!" Red whispered, looking at the route ahead of them, littered with trainers._

_"Come on! We gotta get to Cerulean City to get the next badge!" Green insisted._

_"I don't wanna talk to anyone..."_

_"Then I'll race you! Ready? One..."_

"One..."

The wind picks up.

"Twothreego!"

And Red chases after Green like they did when they were kids, running past the world, from one safe bubble to another, from one moment to the next. Until the world becomes less frightening, this is how Red moves through the world, chasing Green, right on his heels, always just a little behind and yet a little bit ahead. It's not that Red has ever been better or worse at anything than Green, he realizes. It's that they keep each other balanced, somehow, and when one pulls too far ahead or falls too far behind, they're pulled together again by some magnetic force.

So he's not sure who hit the sand first, only that they both fell down the last step. He almost feels like a kid again.

"I think I won."

Red rolls his eyes, but he's smiling. _(As if.)_

"You know," and Green has to bite his tongue, has to keep from saying too much, "I'm really happy you came back. I hope you know that."

For some reason, Red looks a bit surprised, as if Green wouldn't be happy to see him again. He gives Green another head tilt, asking for an explanation, asking why he would say something like that.

"It's nothin' serious, really, I just..."

It's the fact that Red is so close now.

"You know..."

That he's within reach.

"I'm just glad. And I just... needed to say that. A-And that I'm proud of you."

Red almost looks sad...? _(Don't be.)_

"What... What do you mean by that?"

Red hops off the sand, and he makes his way back up the shorter set of stairs. Green follows close on his heels as he wanders into another one of those hidden grottos.

"It's not much," is all Red says.

"It's more than before."

Red just shrugs. "Could be better."

"You've _been_ _better_." Pause. "Where is this coming from?"

"I want you to actually be proud of me."

Green frowns. "I am, Red. That's why I keep telling you. A-And," he adds, "I guess it's maybe shallow for me to tell you over and over, but I keep telling you I'm proud because I mean it. I just, um... I want you to believe me."

"Mm."

Silence.

"Do you?" Red nods. "Are you sure?"

"Do you believe _me?"_

Silence.

"Green," and hearing his own name in a tone speckled with hurt kills him a little, "I know you worry a lot about me, but I want you to believe me when I say _I_ believe _you_. Otherwise, we're gonna get stuck in a loop."

"I-I do, I believe you, I just..." What is it, then?

"What are you worried about?"

He... no, he can't hurt Red like this. He's not about to make Red upset. "I dunno, it's just a lot of things."

"You can't say you don't know if it's a lot of things."

Green sighs. "I don't wanna get into it."

"I don't want you to worry about me so much."

"That's kinda inevitable. I worry about people I care about."

"This much?"

"Yeah."

"Really." He sounds incredulous.

"You don't believe me?"

"I want you to tell me if _you_ believe that."

"I do. I know I don't always show it with everyone, but," _but you mean so much more to me than anything or anyone else,_ "but I do worry."

"...okay." Pause. "Sorry."

"It's fine, really. I just... I dunno what's... I dunno. I don't know what's happening right now."

The air around them is weird right now, it's too viscous and hazy. There's some vibe in the trees that's pressing down on them, but for the life of him, Green can't discern what it is. Something broke the lightness between them - oh, of course it was Green, of course it was something he said, but now he has to figure out _why,_ and now he needs to get out of this.

"Are you mad at me?"

"What? No," Red answers with genuine honesty, confusion. "Why would I be mad?"

"'cause worrying is making me sound like a broken record, at this point."

Red shrugs. "I'm not mad. I just want you to know I'm okay."

He can see it, feel it, he can tell Red is okay, but - "I guess - "

That's it.

"I guess... I'm so used to you _not_ being okay that..."

"...that you're worried?"

"Terrified, Red."

Silence. The waves can just be heard over the rustling leaves.

"How can I make you feel better?"

The tables are turning, and Green hates it. "Don't worry about me, okay? I'll be fine."

"Okay, fine," Red answers with this almost childish stubbornness. "I'm not worried. I'm still going to help you because _I_ want to. If you don't tell me what I can do, I'll just keep heckling you until something works."

Green tries to keep up with that stubborn attitude, but he just laughs. "You haven't changed _too_ much, have you?"

"Nope. What do you want me to do?"

Green feels like he's sinking somehow, like the ground has become more sand than grass, and the waves are flooding in. "I... I dunno. I'm not sure if anything _would_ help. I'm just a worrywart, and that's that."

Red pouts at him, looking a bit frustrated and a bit sad. "You don't have to be."

"I'll sort it out on my own."

"You don't have to."

"Red, I - "

"If you're not letting me deal with crippling social anxiety on my own, I'm not letting you deal with whatever this is on your own either, okay?" he blurts out, actually loudly, so much so that maybe that backpacker up there could overhear. That doesn't seem to matter to his rival in this moment.

"...you're too nice for your own good."

"Yeah. I know."

Silence. Green forces a breath through him, and the thoughts flow out like a quiet breeze, the calm before the storm.

"I'm scared of losing you again. The fact that you're staying with me is all I need you to do."

"That isn't helping, though."

"These things take time."

"Then what can I can do in the meantime?"

"When'd you get so persistent?"

"I've always been persistent," Red huffs. "You know that. Tell me what to do."

It's not that Red is doing anything wrong, though. Red has never, ever done anything wrong. Even leaving for Mount Silver wasn't a fault on his behalf. It was a manifestation of uncontrollable anxiety, terror and trauma gone unchecked for too long. That was never Red's fault, nor were the years of depression weeding their way through Green's chest. No, he understands why Red left, and yet he can't understand why Red came back. _I miss you so much it hurts_ couldn't be the only reason Red came home, though, he couldn't -

"You didn't come back just to see me, did you?"

"No. To _be_ with you."

Green feels some heat growing on the tips of his ears, a blush threatening to slink to his cheeks. "W-Well, I mean, it wasn't... why did you decide to come down?"

Red looks away for a few minutes, but Green recognizes this, a gaze at anything else to gather his thoughts. Three minutes isn't as long a silence as hundreds, thousands of days, millions of hours, trillions of seconds without Red. "Three things."

"Oh?"

"You stopped writing. I met Touya. You wrote again."

There's so much hidden in that, but Green can't decipher it alone. "That's a lot to unpack."

Red just shrugs, as if the answer is in plain sight. "You stopped writing, and I missed you. I wanted to see you again."

"But you didn't come down right away."

"I didn't think it was an option." As to why, Green doesn't think he'll ever know. He's asked Red a million times why coming home was never an option, and every time, Red's answers have been surreal and incoherent. They mean something to him, certainly, but to Green, it's another language. "Then I met Touya."

"Did you talk about coming home?"

"A little." Pause. "He reminded me of you."

"Yeah?"

"'cause he missed N." Pause. "And you missed me, so you came to look for me."

Silence, but that's not all. "What was special about that?"

"I figured if he could look for N, N could look for him, too." The analogy is there, then. If Green could come to Red, then Red could come to Green, and it took him that long to realize it.

"Then I wrote to you?"

"And I realized."

"Realized...?"

"That it's warmer at sea level."

Green just grins and shakes his head a little. "You talk like a poem sometimes, you know that?"

Red blushes just a bit and whines. _(Sorry.)_

"Hey, don't be sorry. I like it," Green adds. "It's pretty."

 _(Thank you,)_ signed sweetly, timidly. Green would give anything for that smile.

"I think I just needed to understand," Green answers after a quiet moment. "I keep thinking you could leave whenever, and that's making me freak out more than you're freaking out over anything anymore."

"To be honest, I'm copying you."

The grotto is getting darker as the sun lowers in the sky, as if Red himself is a mystery, as if he shrouds the world in the kind of darkness that makes a kid want to explore. "You're what?"

Red hops up and leads Green out of the trees, winding up to the south-west coast of Route 18. The sand is soft under their shoes, the waves calm and captured by a semi-circle of stones. The sheer cliff above them almost reminds Green of Cinnabar Island, the last shore Red visited before he ran away, the last shore Green cried on before Red came back.

"...Red, what did you mean?" Green asks softly over the lapping water. A few minutes of quiet surround them before he answers.

"You pretend you're confident when you're not, so I'm trying to do that." Oh. Green knows that Red was aware of his _fake it until you make it_ habit, but he's surprised Red is following that example.

"How's that working out for you?"

"Okay. It's better with you here."

Green smiles at Red, at him and everything he is. "I'm really happy to hear that, Red."

Red grins back. "Did you doubt that?"

"Honestly, yeah."

"Don't."

Red hugs Green, and Green holds him close, as if he could disappear with the waves. He won't though. He can, he has the capacity to run away - but no, he won't run away. Red is here.

"...I believe you."

"Good."

That's a lie.

This would be perfect, but it feels like a dream. He's had them too often, those dreamscapes he wakes up from to find himself living in a nightmare, a world where his best friend is still nine thousand meters above sea level, and he's too far away to hold. This, though, this would be perfect if it were real. If this weren't all some beautiful fever dream, this would be perfect.

This can't be real, though.

Red is speaking, he is, but he's slipping away, and Green's vision is getting a little blurry, a little hazy. Red can't possibly be here. This is perfect, _too_ perfect, and there's no such thing as perfection. Soon enough, Green is going to wake up in his apartment above the Viridian City Gym, he's going to hear his alarm blaring out and telling him it's time to come back to a world that Red has left. It's time to get back to the gym, to the lab, time to battle trainers who don't know who they're up against and present research to scientists who don't understand that his success comes from more than the legacy of the name _Oak_. He's going to wake up, and it'll be spring, the avalanches will be too frequent on that cursed mountain for him to climb, but he's going to want to anyway, he's going to want to break his promise of self-care and see Red and fall apart when he leaves again. Red will be hiding, though, Red will be avoiding the world, Green will wake up and Red will be a ghost, and everything will go back to normal.

Yes, distance is normal, and more than even himself, Green despises that fact.

"Green?"

Red is here.

"Yeah?"

"What's wrong?"

"I don't wanna wake up." The words come out with a choked sob. He feels the fabric of Red's vest wrinkle under his fingers.

"You're not asleep, Green."

Of course not. He almost wants to be, though. He wants to wake up instead of living in this place, he wants to wake up and just deal with the heartbreak. He wants to wake up and know that Red is somewhere else, that this idea of being loved is just that, just an idea. He wants to snap the fuck out of it and accept that this is a dream. This has to be a dream.

"This has to be a dream."

He wants it to be real, though, he wants the heat of Red's cheek against him to be real. He wants that heartbeat to be real, he wants that voice to be real, he wants Red, Red and everything he is, to be real. How many times has he woken up, though? How many nostalgic dreams has he broken out of to find Red is still gone? Hell, maybe he won't even wake up that far back. Maybe he'll wake up at 6AM again, and Red will run from Nuvema Town, and then he could believe this is real. Maybe he'll see Red taking two steps back, and it'll kill him to see his best friend living in a terrified smog, but it'll be real, and he'll be awake. It's not that he wants Red to be hurt. It's not that he wants Red to be stuck in a bog of anxiety forever. No, it's just that he can't bare to see Red take those steps back anymore.

More than that, he can't bare an unrequited love anymore. He just -

_Smack._

"Dude!" Why the fuck did Red just smack him in the back of the head?

"Are you awake?"

"Well, I am _now!_ Why did - "

"Then this isn't a dream."

Oh. "Okay. Okay..."

Green tries to catch his thoughts, but they're still swirling in the air for now. This can't be real, this can't be _perfect -_ but it isn't perfect, no, and that's what proves that this moment is real, that's what proves that Red is here and moving forward faster than Green is anymore. That's one of his skills, isn't it? Red has a knack for starting three steps behind Green and getting four steps ahead before either of them even realize it.

"Green."

"Sorry," he answers instinctively, without even considering anything else he could say. "Sorry, I just... yeah. Sorry."

"It's okay. I'm not mad."

"The tables have tabled." Wait. "Turned."

Red still has worry in his eyes, but he laughs nonetheless. "Close enough. Everything is - "

Green puts his hand on Red's cheek, and the heat is real. His hair is still soft, just a little grainy with sand and sea salt.

"...it's okay, Green. I'm here."

His voice is still strained from years of ice and wind, years of silence, but it's his voice. Red's eyes still shimmer and reflect the sunset in a way he'll never understand, a hypnotic glow that puts Green's mind into a silent ease.

"What is it?"

Despite everything, it's still him.

"We're awake, right?"

"Right."

"Okay." He can't argue the certainty in Red's voice. He can't argue with his senses anymore.

"Do I need to hit you again?"

"No, no," he laughs a bit, laughs through fears he has to hide; rather, he laughs louder than them, so that maybe they'll get tired of him and fade away. "When'd you get that strong?"

"I climbed a mountain for eight years." Pause. "S-Sorry, did that actually hurt?"

"Eh, everyone needs some sense literally smacked into them every now and again," Green shrugs.

"But did that - "

"No, it's alright, Red. Promise."

Red smiles at him, brighter than the sunset glowing behind him. That's more of an answer than words could ever hope to be.

"Besides," Green jokes, "if I'm too hurt to get home, we get to chill out here for the night."

"You don't wanna go back to Nuvema, or something?"

"Nah. I like camping with ya."

Red nods, smiling. "It's been awhile."

"It... actually, yeah," Green agrees. "Last time we stayed outside was before Mistralton. Was it before we got Volcarona? Or - "

"No, after we left Castelia with her. _Then_ we went to Mistralton."

"Mm," Green hums. "Your memory's always better than mine."

Red shrugs. "Kinda good, kinda bad."

"So is my end of the deal. We'll balance out."

Red leans on Green for a moment. "Do you feel better?"

"Yeah, just... I just gotta believe you."

"...can I help with that?"

"Just tell me when I'm being nuts, okay? That's been working just fine."

"Mhm."

The two of them wander around in comfortable silence until they're both sat on the edge of the island, white sand and blue sea dancing a few feet below their shoes. The sun hovers like an apparition above and on the sea, projecting itself shakily on the calm surface. The wind is nearly gone, now.

Intertwined with all of this scenery is Red. He's so used to Red being beyond the world, but now Red is _here._ Red is here, and Green still can't believe it.

"...Red?"

"Hm?"

"Why'd you wanna visit Nuvema?" That question has been nagging at him, he realizes. The fact that Red willed himself to socialize is wild to Green. He still doesn't know what made Red do it.

"Just 'cause."

"'cause what?" Reds shrugs. "Really, Red, what made you decide to visit?"

"You."

Um.

"Is that good or bad?"

Red looks over at Green. "Why would that be bad?"

"I dunno, Red. I didn't wanna pressure you into anything."

"You didn't. I just wanna follow you."

Huh. "I wouldn't've went to Nuvema if you didn't ask, though."

"But if you go somewhere I don't wanna go, I wanna be able to follow you." Pause. "So I'm working on it."

 _It_ being the ability to exist in civilization, and honestly, Red has been doing a good job when all the factors come into play. "Oh."

"Does that make sense?"

"Yeah, of course." Pause. "But, um, if you ever don't wanna go somewhere, don't feel pressured, got it? I'll stick with you if you wanna hang back sometimes. Don't forget I'm an introvert, too."

"Is that why you like Cinnabar so much?"

Green shrugs, feeling a bit nervous about the whole truth. "That, and I remember playing there with you a lot. It's just nostalgic."

"Do you wanna go back sometime?"

"If you want to, I'll take you, but do _you_ wanna go back?"

"It's up to you."

"Well, _I'm_ saying it's up to you."

"We'll flip a coin."

"Sounds good." Pause. "You always have been adventurous, huh?"

"I just like being with you."

"Me too," Green replies, another instinctive reaction. Something about Red makes Green lose his senses and just fall into him. "Are you good with camping here for the night?"

"Yeah, why not?"

"'cause I know you don't always like being by the coast, is all."

"It's fine."

That usually spells trouble, but Red seems okay with this for now. "You sure?"

"Yeah. Because you're here."

Why... Why does that have so much weight to it?

"And I love that you're here."

He's not asleep, but -

"And I love you."

_Ah -_

Green doesn't even know where he's looking right now. Everything feels electrified and burning and freezing, it feels like all his senses have gone haywire and he can't - fuck, he can't even figure out what to do, he can't ground himself, he feels like he might throw up if this isn't real - but it _is,_ this _is_ real, there's every way in the world this _couldn't_ be real but it is, it is, _it is -_

"I love you too."

_Oh my god I'm not dreaming -_

"Are you sure, Red?" Is he sure? Is anything in this world sure of anything?

Red looks at Green, looks through the frantic haze hovering around him. "I'm positive, Green. I promise." Red is sure.

"I... ah..." Um. What are words? What even are words?

"Green."

Ah - um - is this actually -

_Ah - !_

This isn't their first kiss, it sure as hell isn't their last, but it feels like the first heartbeat he's ever felt. There's no words for how this makes him feel. There's no words for how he feels the echoes of every other flirty taunt and experimental touch in this, how he feels this echoing there, how everything seems to come together in these three seconds. The world falls apart and comes together all at once, and Green's mind swirls with _why isn't there a word that means more than_ love _because you mean more to me than even I can understand and I love you I love you I love you so much -_

"Do you believe me, Green?"

"Yeah." Shockwaves are shooting through his whole body. "I believe you."

Somehow, Green finds a way to break though the paralysis. Maybe it's Red's smile.

"Good, because I mean it."

"Like... that kind of love?"

"Of course."

"You... really... uh..." Wait, he's -

"Do I need to smack you again?"

"N-No, no, no! I-I - I just - I'm just..."

"Just...?"

"In love with you." Yeah, that's the word. That's _four_ words. That's better than he's been doing.

"Me too."

Oh my god.

"I love you, Red."

_Oh my god I can actually say that -_

"I love you too, Green."

_This is real. This is real!_

Green has cried over Red before. It's happened a lot, actually. He cried himself to sleep the day that Red disappeared, and the day they had to call the search off and presume him dead. He cried the day he found Red hiding on a mountain, and the day he had to walk away from him. For seconds or hours, he cried every time he had to leave him there, every time the words _are you coming home?_ were answered with a simple _no,_ certain yet reluctant, hoarse and conflicted. He cried when Red came back, too, when he held him as tight as he's holding him now, when he put his fingers against his neck and felt a pulse, felt his heart beating, felt the dawning realization that Red is here.

Green just doesn't know how to react to how Red makes him feel, it seems. Love is a mysterious thing.

"Are you okay, Green?"

"Happy." He takes a deep breath, lets himself fall into Red. " _Really_ happy. That's not even close to describing how good this feels, but I don't know what else to say."

"You don't need to say anything." Red nestles closer to Green, Red is here.

"Except that I love you."

"I love you too."

His mind is nearly blank. All he can think about is the fact that Red is here, and Red loves him, and now Red knows Green loves him too. The waves come back and sprinkle the first starlight across them.

"I love you, Red."

"I love you too, Green."

Green almost laughs, almost cries, he's not even sure. "You keep answering."

"Of course I'm answering. What else am I gonna do?"

"Stay with me, right?"

"Always."

Green pulls away just enough to look at Red, just enough to feel this static flutter off of him and blur his mind with bliss. This is Red. Red is _here._

"You don't know how much this means to me, Red. You don't know how much _you_ mean to me."

"Are you sure about that?" Red taunts, but even that tone of voice is sweet.

"Yeah. So I'm gonna prove it to you, okay? No matter how long it takes." Green grins mischievously at Red, now, at his friend, his rival, his _boyfriend_ \- "That's a challenge."

"Challenge accepted."

Green just laughs when Red tackles him to the ground into another kiss, because this moment couldn't be long enough. He could stay here forever, he could lie in the grass and let the sea swallow him whole and the sand blow in on the breeze and bury him, he could hold Red's weight over him like an anchor to reality even if he never took another breath again. He could let this scenery fade to anything else, to Kanto or Alola, to foreign shores or local forests filled with bugs and mice, to castles built into mountains and hidden in sandy mirages, to the loudest and brightest cities, to the quietest reaches of the world. As long as Red is with him, and as long as Red loves him - _love,_ being the operative word, it's love that defines this moment.

As long as Red loves him, everything is right.

"I really, really love you, Green," Red breathes, finally pulling just a little bit away, just enough to speak, and Green has only just enough time to answer before he's kissed again, before the dream and reality become one in the same.

"I love you too, Red. Always."

No, this moment couldn't be long enough, and Green knows that Red will let it last forever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HAPPY 2019 EVERYONE THIS FIC IS COMPLETE AND THESE BOYFRIENDS ARE LIVIN THE DREAM [aggressive party blower noises]  
> also this chapter is apparently over 5k words which makes it the longest one in this fic! so hopefully that's a good note to end on uwu these are good good boys and i lov them so much, so even though im going back to class next week (ew) i'll have the willpower to go on w these Good Boyfriends™  
> thank you to everyone leaving comments/kudos/even just reading this for this long!!! i'm glad we could all scream about these ships together :D


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